Author Topic: Powers Seduction  (Read 9970 times)

ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #75 on: January 16, 2023, 10:16:35 AM »
Quote
01,15,778

I seem to have somehow simultaneously ruined my chances at two goals. With fair standing I will never be able to join the garda, and I do fear that I have ruined my chances to learn from Sister Marissa. I may never become a full fledged sister of Hala now. Unless I can find someone else to teach me the ways. Perhaps Sister Eve, or maybe I will have no choice but to go to that city that makes me so sad. Sit in their slums and talk to the Sisters there while little children mug people in the streets. I don't know how they can function there and not do anything to help those poor children. That city is as vile as possible, yet if I truly want to learn... Would it even be good to learn from people seem to do nothing for the children of the slums?

What do I do now? I have no longer a fiance to be wed to, I've lost my good standing in my home, and I honestly do not think Marissa would teach me a single thing now. Not after she called me a baby murderer.  I'm unsure she would be the right person to teach me anyway, she seemed to lack an understanding of the situation beyond the fact I took silphium. And to call me such a thing for making a choice that would prove the best. Had I not, I would of continued to loose my mind. I would of descended into madness full paranoia and fully misused the weave. Benedikte would of had to deal with the clashback of being responsible for a child out of wedlock, for having the mother of his child either commit a crime or end up in the asylum. Not to mention how that may affect his position in the garda, and the sheer fact that he had decided to leave me. Or if I died in childbirth, he would be responsible for the child, and... He is far to busy with the garda for such.

Not a single of those instances are conducive to a happy and healthy child. I will not bring a child into this world if it will suffer, and it would of. I would of suffered too. If she reacts this way to me taking such, oh goddess, what if she encountered a woman who sought out the Halans for help with a child she could not raise? Or if she would die or suffer greatly due to it? I understand emotions can make us act and say things we do not mean, but... She should not ask questions she is not able to handle the answers to. The truth is rarely pleasant and never pretty. It is harsh, brutal and cold. It is cruel and freeing.

I will take some more time away from home to calm myself down and then I will go back and speak to her, hopefully she will have calmed down too. I forgive her words, even if she truly meant them. I guess Richemulot has no issues with unwed mothers, or children raised by lunatics. It sounds like a wonderful place to live. Or maybe she left it in search of a place that matches her? Sadly she will not find much kindness for those things in Barovia. I should find out where Eve procured this silphium and make sure the hospice has it in stock. Along with other medicines.

I've been exploring the Hazlani woods in search of herbs the Garda said they needed. I think the Barovians forests are a little safer, but I can not deny the abundance here. When I fill these pouches I'll return home and come back in the summer for the berries, along with cotton and flax. I've been finding a lot of these pretty white flowers, I'm not sure if they are useful, but maybe they are. I'm sure Marissa will know what they are

 
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ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #76 on: January 16, 2023, 02:41:18 PM »
Quote
01,16,778

I gathered she would not teach me, but to take my job? Because of that?

I guess I have lost everything I had.
Well I am back at the start again I suppose... Do I have it in me to go another round? Am I suppressing my emotions? Am I terrible?
I grieved more than she would ever know, could ever know. I was going insane. Being ferried out of the country would not of solved anything, I can see that being worse.
"Woman carrying lance corporals child vanishes"
"Woman carrying lance corporals child admitted to asylum"

Not his wife, just a woman.

During a time when I needed normalcy more than ever, where I needed the routine and the small joy, where I needed compassion and friendship. I instead end up jobless, no tutor or mentor. I was not prepared for this sort of loss. What do I do now?
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ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #77 on: January 17, 2023, 06:05:44 PM »
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01,17,778

I saw a group of Garda, even one of the Lances on a day off. Outside of the citadel. Everyone I have spoken to has told me that I deserved better, Barovian, outlander alike. Only one person spoke differently. I understand Sister Amelia's explanation of why she reacted with so much hostility, and I know she most likely spoke out of hurt and anger. I want to speak to her about it, but I guess I am still hurt by her words, or afraid that her anger and hurt will return.

Seeing a group of Garda taking a day off to go chop wood and socialize made me realize that Benedikte could of taken time off to be with me and I am sure they would of understood. He knew there was a strong chance that I was carrying his child when he came to leave me. He was aware, I remember our conversation. Had I not had such a hard time in finding an Ezrite, nor delayed it, things would of be different. I can not deny my part, but nor can I take full blame.

I guess it is right what people are telling me. I did deserve a man who'd pay attention to me. Hell even whatever the goddess damned creature Seraphim is was right about that. Thinking back on it... As much of a unwanted thing it was, it did show me a tenderness I deserved. Mama taught me to give thanks where it is due, I guess I owe him thanks for that.

Despite it all and as my thoughts become clearer, I still miss him, and to think...

The duke was brought here by the actions of a person driven by lossed love. I almost repeated that. I contemplated it, really I did. I stared at the sample of the water of styx and thought about using it to call him forth. To make a deal to get my beloved back. I learned today that one time a monk lost the woman he loved, and in a desperate attempt to get her back the duke was brought about. I can understand the level of pain that can drive a person to rationalize such actions, because I was walking that path myself. However, I realized what I was thinking of doing was insane. I could of ended up in the same place as Augustus.

I should try to visit him someday. Perhaps see if he can be released. He wasn't ever insane, that bastard imp really was out to get him.
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ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #78 on: January 19, 2023, 11:28:23 AM »
Quote
01,18,778

I finally got to see the Ice palace of Jezra Wagner! Well not entirely, just a small section of it. It was beautiful. I'm still chilled to the bone and it's been a few hours, but I want to go back. I want to see more of it, and Miss Nissa said she even knows the location where Jezra took refuge and became trapped. I understand completely why she loved the mountain, it is very beautiful up there. And the ice palace it is stunning.

I had no idea that the mountain could be so massive within! I always thought that mountains were solid. Yet, inside of the mountain there is a chasm, we did not explore it because by this point, the vast majority of the people left in the group wanted to fight and to get fang out of it. Mister Bartholomeus stayed behind at the logging camp while we continued up. Even though it wasn't the coldest months, it was still bitter at the peak, and the palace, somehow, colder.

We saw a lot of- well it would be naive to believe they were ice sculptures- frozen people. I had no clue that a person could be frozen solid like that. Most of them looked afraid, or were positioned in combative poses. There were these massive ice things, and giant snowmen, the latter was what caused our party to fail. The strongest fighters were not able to match the beings and so they fell and we had to begin the arduous and dangerous trek back down the mountain carrying three corpses and their gear. I got lost and seperated from the group on the way down, it was terrifying on my own but we all made it back down to safety.

Knowing the dangers that are present up there now, I wont go without proper preparations, and that means I will need to ensure we bring someone who can address the weaponry.

I still want and need to speak with Marissa, but... When I look at her, the images of our last conversation flood me and I feel like crying. I am not ready yet to speak with her, I am still quite hurt by her actions and words, at least I am not angry anymore. I've not set foot back in the hospice yet because of it. I dread facing her right now, I don't want to be the recipient of such harshness again, I would not be able to handle it. I fear it would break me.

I admit that I am not at my best right now. I feel fragile, I've lost a great deal in a short time, and much of it being the first time experiencing it. Loving someone to that depth, carrying a child, loosing both lover and child. Due to my own actions in part. Being told that a sister saw me with my daughter in a vision, telling me that that was what I could of had, that I stole it from Benedikte. Deprived myself of it... That it broke his heart. How could it break the heart of a man who had already decided to leave us?

I do not think she even knew he had decided he was leaving me the day I told him the barley seeds had sprouted.

I deserve better. The path of least suffering applies to those who walk it too, right?
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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #79 on: January 20, 2023, 01:54:00 PM »
Quote
01,19,778

Why would she tell me one day that she took a vow to only speak truth, and then the next not only break confidence and discuss my medical choices, but also spread a lie? It was not just to sister Margit that she spoke but to an Ezrite named Jane. Spreading such information can have horrible effects on Benediktes position both in the church and in the garda. He needs his Ezrite family, more than ever I think. I worry about him even as I am realizing that I deserved better treatment. I am sure when the time is right I will find another if I want.

I guess Sister Amelia spoke to Marissa about her actions, and from what Sister Eve said, this is not the first time she has done such. I suppose perhaps the power she weilds has gone to her head. Or maybe she is under the influence of a hag. Sister Eve said that they prefer to target Halans...  I don't know why else she would act so cruel, or claim to have vowed to speak truth, and to lie to others. I want to believe that there is some other reason that is causing her to act so.
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ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #80 on: January 24, 2023, 04:02:23 PM »
[A letter left in the designated location, presumably delivered to her father]

Quote
Papa,

I can only assume now that you are gone. I'm not sure who is taking the letters, but this will be my last one. I've lost the man I loved to a woman who lives as a memory of his past. Mama said you've not sent any packages since the war. I will miss you Papa. For a brief moment in time I had it all. A fiance, a growing child, friends, but my actions cost me all of that. Benedikte has broken my heart, and I have spent many nights crying. Mama kicked me out, I haven't been home since we fought.

I will accept that you're gone Papa. I will miss you, but know this Papa. I know my worth now, and I wont let myself settle for anything less ever again.

Who ever has been taking these letters, thank you for keeping a young woman's hope alive all these years.

Your loving daughter, Sisi
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ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #81 on: January 27, 2023, 06:38:23 PM »
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01,27,778

I was finally ready to speak with her today and I tried. I can forgive all that she has done except the lie. I struggle with that one, I understand why she would be upset at how I did not speak with her or the others, I understand that she did not approve of my choice. I can forgive these things, and even her sharing my personal choice with others without my consent. I can forgive those mistakes, but the lie... Why would she lie? And about that?

What did I do to her that she wont speak with me? What mistake did I make this time? How did I further push her away?

More so, what do I do when there is someone with an issue who will not speak with me to solve it. What do I do in this situation? I want to make it right with her, very much so.

I'm also worried about her. Whatever happened recently to her, she seems to have lost her sight again. At least she seems to have that elf lady for a friend, perhaps her new friend will help her adjust to her new loss of sight.

I've begun to notice something, since things have ended with Benedikte, other people have shown me kindness and even given me flowers. I may of loved him deeply and part of my heart will always be his, but I can see how he neglected me. How he could of treated me better, made better choices. I was the happiest I ever was with him, now I just have to figure out how to find that joy again. Because as much as I want to believe otherwise, he will never be mine.

Pluth has also felt saddened. I mean Benedikte was the other person who helped save him, helped nurse him back to health. The luster of his feathers has faded a little, and he has spent more time in hiding than ever before. But I do like how he comes to me when I cry. Pluth is such a sweet bird, I guess I was lucky to encounter Pluth.
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ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #82 on: January 27, 2023, 07:43:38 PM »
Narcissa's life was full of many lessons, and she embraced each one, in due time.
As she walked the Hazlani lands searching for those wild cotton shrubs, she began to think to herself. Perhaps this was another lesson that she was being taught. She had learned to look beyond herself, she had learned what it was like to be tricked and what it was like to love. Her curiosity was being tempered too by the group she had joined to delve into the historical ruins of her home. So why wouldn't her affair with that other Halan be one as well?

While her hands pulled the fibers free from the plant, she mused over the possibilities of this potential lesson. Could it be a lesson in forgiveness? Perhaps in acceptance? Accepting that there may be many a thing in her life that she would never understand. Accepting that there would be many things she would never know. Accepting that what another persons says or does is not her responsibility. But then, whose would it be? She wondered to herself as she filled the pouch with fibers.

Accept that it may never be known.
Accept that it is out of your hands.

Yes, surely that was it. Acceptance. It must be the lesson she was being taught. Narcissa thought back to the creation story in her bag. The original 13 got envious of each other and began to fight. But it was not until they almost destroyed themselves that Hala intervened. Life was as complicated as the chaos it was woven from, and Narcissa was beginning to understand this. This last half year had given the young sheltered city girl many lessons and opportunities to learn. She enjoyed each one, the new challenges she was presented with, the new things she got to see and learn. Even the pain.

Narcissa appreciated all of these things. For in her understanding better, she felt that she could better aid those in suffering. If she walked in their path, she would learn about them. Understand them and be able to help them. She wanted to do what it would take to learn how to be better. She knew she had made mistakes, and as Sister Amelia had pointed out, mistakes are prime examples of a chance to learn and to improve.

Narcissa smiled to herself. That was right, a mistake was a chance to improve. A chance to accept a flaw or a failure and strive to make it better. To not repeat the same mistake, and be able to guide others with the knowledge she gained from her own mistakes.

Perhaps, this lesson of acceptance, was also in accepting that not everyone would be her friend. That not everyone would like her. She could succumb to the woe of this notion, or she could rise above it and accept it.

And so, as she filled her bags with cotton, wool and flax fibers, she headed back to her home, ready to seek the aid of her sisters in her lesson, and learn to accept and let go. Sometimes there were things better left unanswered. Some truths better left unknown, and some people better off forgotten.

After all, the path of least suffering applied to those who chose to walk it too.
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ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #83 on: January 28, 2023, 07:17:03 PM »
Quote
01,28,778

A game of envoys, where children share a whispered messege and have it come out different than the original. Perhaps that's the case here. Maybe she did not listen fully, maybe her emotions caused her to remember my words wrong. However, even if a person believes what they are saying as true, does not make it true if it is false. I could believe that the sky was purple, but that would not make it purple. What is true is true regardless. What is false is false even if you think it true.

I know if I made a mistake and repeated something false, I'd seek to correct it once I learned it was false.

It is getting tiresom, this whole situation. Allegations I did what I did to hurt the man I love, allegations I worked with a fiend... Maybe this is something that I wont be able to repair. Perhaps I am ready to face what may. I don't understand why people are so eager to move to violence, or why they don't listen to warnings.

If I don't understand then I should try to come to a middle ground, a compromise. I guess like I treat the people who want to go to dangerous places. I'll go with them because they wont change their minds and if I go I can do my best to protect them from the suffering they would endure.

I noticed something today, it's happened a few times before now too... When I was stitching up the wounds on the dwarf that fought Emilian, they closed up. Not from stitches, but it was akin to how divine magic can heal. I've noticed this a few times, where it seems like I've done more than I should be able to do with a mundane tools, but this was the first time I saw someone rise up because of it. I'm not sure how I did it, maybe I will ask Amelia and Eve about it. It isn't something that happens all the time. I've only been able to do it for people who are at deaths door.
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ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #84 on: January 30, 2023, 09:57:20 AM »
Quote
01,30,778

I have had every last thing taken from me. My home, my work, my friend, my child and my lover. I was kicked out of my mothers house, and now I am banished from my home town. I have lost everything. And all because I made the mistake of working at the hospice. Had I not done that, I am sure that I would not of lost it all. How do I live with myself knowing that a lie has cost me everything. I know there is no way to fix this mess, the allegation that I consorted with a fiend, when I never ever did. Misled by one yes. When I learned what it was I was horrified. How the hell should I know what an imp looks like?

Eros misled me, convinced me he was a friend. But none of that matters anymore. He's dead and gone, that was months ago. More so being punished for my mothers choice... People wouldn't even let the water take me. I have nothing left except outlanders. My job at the hospice, gone. My chance to explore my homelands history, gone. My good standing, gone. And all because I took silphium. All because my choice upset Marissa so much that she believed I worked with a fiend to abort the child, but that was not the case. Well unless Sister Eve is a fiend, since she gave me the silphium.

Marissa has no right to call herself a Halan. She has no right to force such suffering on another person when our duty as Halans is to ease suffering. I want to drown. I want to die. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to live with all this loss. With all this pain. If those people had let me drown, at least my pain would stop. Marissa would win, like I am certain she wants. It would be my choice, but her actions are what pushed me to this brink. I tried to repair things, I tried to find out where she got the notion. And instead, I am branded a liar, and a consorter of fiends. Claimed that I speak no truth, and do harm.

They would not beat me, whip me, or punish me in any other way. I begged them. I begged and sobbed and cried. But the Garda are convinced of the words of Marissa, even though she broke law, was punished by having her sight removed for owning Van Richten books in her possession. Me, a barovian born woman, is taken as a liar based on the words of an outlander criminal witch.

None of this makes sense to me. Eve has tried to convince me that the Mother is still at my side, but... I am... Having a hard time believing in anything right now. Ezrites surely wont believe me now, and my home is stolen from me. It's a good thing that I wont use my athame to cause harm, even though it tempts me with the glint of the steel blade. It tempts me and begs me to use it, to end myself. To stop my suffering.

I do not understand why the garda did this. I've made mistakes while I was distraught and pregnant, I understand that. I made a mistake in obeying my mother when she said she did not want to report it. I understand that.

I was misled by Eros, yes that is true. I did not consort with a fiend though. I did not make any deals with that imp, or anything. Infact it was long dead. Marissa intentionally created a lie with malice to achieve this outcome. I don't know why she did that. Nor why she would want that for a sister of Hala.

My head hurts from crying. I want to end it all.

Garda wont do it, they wont even send me to the asylum.

They just stole the last thing I had holding me together.

I have come undone. The seams which held me together have fallen apart, they've been shredded by malicious intent. And I don't know what to do now.

I've lost too much to have the will to go on.

Quote
I remember all the lovely times I had in my home town. Even though the children teased me when I was little for my fondness of ghost stories and legends, I forgave them. Even when they would pick on me, or when I would be left out, I would forgive them. Benedikte, Marissa, the garda, I want to and I will forgive them all. Garda are simply doing their job. I understand it. I admire the Garda. It's not an easy job, but it's one so vital to my home. They keep it safe... Or they try to.

In this case, a case of slander... They are wrong. I understand why they cut my tongue, I made a mistake, and put my mother first before the laws of my home. I understand and accept that, there is no disputing it after all. I did withhold information of criminal activity, although I had no proof if it was criminal. I still do not. There are many questions about it perhaps she did it to herself and that is why she did not want to report it. Perhaps papa did it, or perhaps one of the families of my prior fiances. Perhaps Eros did it. It will be one of the things I will never know.

Perhaps Mama will speak with the Garda about it. However, I doubt it will do any good. How do I forgive myself and how do I forgive Marissa for destroying my life? Amelia, Eve, Margit, they all say they stand by what I did, understanding why I did it. I upset them by not going to them first, not because I took Silphium. Not because I prevented the suffering and unpleasant life a bastard child would have.

Why would the garda think I would flee?

What did I do to deserve all of this?

Surely Hala, nor Ezra would forsake me, I have always strived to ease suffering and pain where I can. I don't lie about people, I don't speak ill of them behind their backs or to their faces, and I try to be understanding of why people do things. I try to see the best in everyone, and I try my best to follow laws and behave. I am so scared. I do not understand why they punished me in this way. I'm all alone right now, I'm terrified, and alone.

Mama speak with me now, that's for sure, and Papa is most likely dead. No family to turn to now, no permanent dwelling. While the outlanders may not understand it, but I lived my life a proud Barovian, strived to be a good Barovian woman, so what has happened... Besides lacking a shred of truth, every thing that I am, my identity, has been destroyed. I do not understand how it came to this, how this happened or why it happened.

I am terrified, I don't understand any of this. What do I do now? I just want to not exist.
« Last Edit: January 30, 2023, 01:52:28 PM by ladylena »
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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #85 on: January 31, 2023, 12:57:05 PM »

Two days had passed since she tried to surrender herself to the waters that boardered the territory of her home. She had not left the room since the first night she came. She had gone down to get some liquor and attempted to eat some fish. The liquor was much easier to stomach than food, and she had not eaten since. Her mouth was dry from lack of water, and her stomach growled from hunger. She could not find the will nor the energy to walk down the stairs to eat nor search her belongings for water. Her comfort had been the quiet burning of the candles flame and a sole visitor the prior day.

She enjoyed the company, a chance to distract her from the invasive thoughts that coursed through her mind. The pain in her heart and soul. She was terrified and felt utterly alone. The only support she had had these days had come from those who were not of Barovia. People who she felt could not fathom or understand the depth of what had been taken from her. She wasn't just banished, kicked out of her home and slandered. Narcissa felt that everything that identified who she was had been stripped away.

As she lay in the bed staring at the colourful bird of paradise flower, she felt raw. Her identity, her dreams, aspirations, goals, the very people she admired and had dreamt of joining, her mothers goals for her. A chance to marry into a good Barovian family, make her mother happy and proud, the pride she felt as a citizen of Vallaki, the joy she had in working at the hospice, and the Sisters there she had considered friends, all of these things were now gone. The very things that had formed the foundation the woman was built upon. They had crumbled away, letting her unravel.

As the candled burned down to a nub and darkness surrounded her, she cried. She cried a desperate, broken cry for help. A cry that was heard only by pillow she burried her face into.

« Last Edit: January 31, 2023, 01:44:11 PM by ladylena »
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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #86 on: February 02, 2023, 05:18:18 PM »
Quote
02,01,778

It was nice to see Sister Amelia, I am thankful my mind was clear enough that I could let her know about the question the garda asked about the basement. She sees strength and light still within me, Victor said similar as did Weyland... I don't feel strong, and I don't see light around me anymore. I used to look at people and see only good, I believed that people would only act horribly due to suffering. Now though... People, I am learning, sometimes are simply horrid.

Perhaps there is benefit to all this suffering. Ezrite and Halan alike share similar views. Only the Warden I spoke to said she stabbed me in the back. There is a toret who can tell if you are lying, and maybe speaking with him will help to repair the damage done. I asked Sister Amelia to make sure that my mother isn't lynched for the lie about me. She, like myself, will need to pay the price of the consequence for not reporting her poisoning, but that should be all.

Amelia still has hope that Marissa will be willing to speak with me to resolve this, but I've accepted that she wont. Maybe that is alright. Maybe I don't have to speak with her, maybe I don't have to forgive her either. Even to the Ezrites it is not up to us to judge, and I surely know that Hala asks us that we not judge.
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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #87 on: February 05, 2023, 01:22:28 PM »
Quote
02,04,778

I left Barovia.. I think I'll try to pick some flax and cotton if there is any left in Hazlan. I still feel lost and I don't know what to do. I can feel the encroaching darkness and it terrifies me. I do not want to dwell in that darkness. I am beginning to think people are right, and that Marissa is not worth my time, even an Ezrite has said such. When given the truth of the matter, the Warden I spoke to said that she stabbed me in the back. She did.

I am not a liar, I do not consort with fiends.

I may of had the thought of descending that road, but I realized how insane it was before it was too late. I really miss my home. I wish there had been a way to clear my name.

Hopefully the warden will be able to get that toret to speak with me, so I can confess the truth to him, and he will know that I am not lying. I've drank holy water, if there was any sort of fiendish control over me, there would of been a reaction. So I can rest easy and know that I did not do something awful without my knowing. Maybe I will visit a hospice in Port a lucine and inquire about the belief relating to silphium. Marissa spent a lot of time there, so if she was taught that, they would know.

I have a lot still to learn. I want to learn prayers, maybe my magic can be used to heal people. Maybe I have that ability hidden inside me. Why else would my hands heal people beyond what normal means allow? It's not consistent, nor something I can control yet, but maybe if someone will teach me, I can do it.

Maybe I can fight off this damning darkness that threatens to consume me. Maybe Amelia is right, maybe there is strength and light still within me.
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ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #88 on: February 07, 2023, 07:10:34 PM »
Quote
02,07,778

I was asked to write a letter to sister Klara to inform her of what happened...
Let's see if I write it like describing a third party...
Person A experienced mental distress as a result of pregnancy, and being left while pregnant. Person A considered making a deal out of grief for their lost fiance with a fiend. They did not. Person A considered things and chose to use silphium.
Person B has seen person A acting out and suggested they get tutored by some sorcerer to control their emotions. Person A says that is not a problem anymore and apologised. Person B presses Person A for an explanation. Person A gives truthful answer. Person B is upset by this and calls person A a baby killer. Person A explains why they took silphium. Person B is upset and maybe did not listen effect did not hear correct details. Person B goes on to spread misinformation and personal choices with multiple parties.

Hmm no, that still seems to convey the wrong intent...

Maybe...
She misheard what I said when I explained why I took silphium and did not check with me about the truth. She then told others a falsehood about me regarding consorting with a fiend.

Hmm... That doesn't quite work either... But it is better.

I'll try again tomorrow after I get some sleep. Maybe with time to disgest what the advice Amelia gave me I'll be able to write it in pure facts. I trust my Sisters judgement.

Oh what was it she said, she let go of the past accusation made by another sister. Perhaps it is better to do that. Wash myself of this matter and let sleeping dogs be.

I think I will pray to the Goddess for guidance, to me it seems like sending a letter would be stepping out of line, but Sister Amelia thinks it best Mother Klara be informed incase Marissa needs protection. Perhaps the Goddess will even grant me vision of divine prayer and healing magic. All magic is from the weave, so that should mean that regardless of how my magic is drawn, I should be able to use divine magic.

To be fair, I've watched the beautiful way Sister Eve and the outlanders and Ezrites heal people. The magic they use is beautiful and pure. Though I watched them, I was always more focused on how beautiful it was, rather than how it was done.

Ezra had no teacher or mentor, and through trusting herself she gave up everything for people to be protected. Even without a mentor she managed to achieve greatness and helped many people. If I apply myself with the same devotion Ezra did, and with the compassion of Hala, maybe I can figure out the pattern in the weave for healing.

Dream or something more, I enjoy dreaming about those mystical weavings in the stardust fabric. Of the beautiful loom upon which this tapestry is woven. Perhaps if I pray enough and with enough intent I can achieve divine healing.

I think I'll rest some now, I want to have a clear head when I speak with Mister Tarset.
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ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #89 on: February 08, 2023, 10:56:52 AM »
Narcissa went up to her room and locked the door. Tonight she would spend in prayer and meditation, praying for both guidance and aid. The last time that she had prayed for divine help she watched a creature that hovered over her travel companion vanish. At least at the time she thought that it had vanished. Perhaps it had simply moved out of her line of sight, but that did not change the fact that she believed her prayer had been answered. And so she hoped that if she committed herself enough in prayer perhaps she could gleam some glance or glimmer of divine magic. Narcissa set up her small altar. A statuette of Hala in the middle of the desk, a couple of candles and her holy symbol. It was not much nor elaborate or fancy, but it was honest.

"Hala, Goddess, Caretaker and Mother, I need your guidance. How do I proceed, what do I do about this matter?
Hala, Mother and Caretaker, please show me how to heal divinely, so I can better ease the suffering of those around me.
Hala, Caretaker, please show me how to treat myself with your compassion and care.
Hala, Mother, please give your child wisdom to know what and where to go.
Hala, please show me what I need to see to know."

She uttered the prayer with her whole beings intention behind it. The words falling from her lips as though ushered through by some other force. A prayer that she spoke for the first time as if she knew. These were the things she wanted to sort, she wanted to know how to make amends, how to proceed and what to do. Narcissa kneeled in front of her makeshift altar, her eyes closed as she focused on her Goddess. As she focused her intention on what she was after.

Her deep breathing soon pulled her off into a slumber land full of cosmic wonder. Before her eyes lay a tapestry of her life, woven details of recent events displayed vividly. She studied it, looking at the memories and listening to the words said.

'Marissa I was going to make a deal with a Goddess damned fiend! That is not mentally well.'

She revisited the moment in the hospice where she learned the vows a sister had taken.

'To never remove the veil... To never use the gifts of the Goddess for play vengeance or to cause suffering...To take no husband and bear no child while the veil is drawn... To never speak a word that is not truth.'

The tapestry moved forward, showing her the images of Eve healing, the patterns she wove in the air with her divine magic. It flashed back to remind her that all magic comes from the weave, the most very basic lesson she was ever taught. It showed her the first time she pulled on the threads of the weave to illuminate the tree so she could climb at night. It showed her the moment her healing hands restored health to a man on the brink of death. She looked closer at that image of the tapestry, noticing the different pattern in the weave than in others. While still the same tapestry, the same woven fabric of reality, there was a little difference that she could now see.

At that moment in front of the vampire, she saw a beautiful pattern emerge in the darkness of the night. It was faint, and hard to make out, but it was there. A most beautiful pattern similar to what she saw as divine healing magic. Narcissa focused on this pattern in her dreams weave. The pattern of her magic was etched within this new design.

Perhaps she did not need prayer at all, but perhaps all she needed to do was to set aside everything she thought she was and look for something new.
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ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #90 on: February 11, 2023, 07:25:50 PM »
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02,11,778

I have decided not to send a letter to Mother Klara. I do not wish to put Marissa in a similar if not the same, position that I am in. That is a level of suffering that I can prevent. Her mistake was made in Vallaki, and it should remain and be resolved in Barovia. I will not be responsible for her suffering in an entirely different country, let alone one as far from Barovia as Dementlieu. I have been there very rarely and thus, since Marissa can tolerate that place, she deserves to have that at least. If she speaks her allegations to Mother Klara, I trust in Hala that the wise Mother Klara would suggest she seek to confirm something before spreading it.

Who am I to involve another person who need not be involved? Who am I to be the voice that causes suffering, even though she has caused a great much to me?

I will be better than her. I will rise above this. And I will clear my name.

It will take a while to regain my sense of self, and rekindle the flame in my soul, but...

I want to live and learn.
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ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #91 on: February 14, 2023, 11:00:32 AM »
Quote
02,13,778

It happened again. I was stabilizing someone who was dying and I healed them again. They stood up despite the fact that bandaging and stabilizing a person does not heal them, but I managed it. When I told Sister Eve about it she told me it was the Mother showing me that she is still with me. Closer at my side now than before. I feel blessed to be able to heal the dying. I hope I will be able to heal the living too.

I have many questions about these rumours and who started them, especially the allegation that I was in the Black Dukes cult. What did Marissa tell people? Or did Nyanka do this? I have confirmed my suspicion that Marissa was the one who went to the garda, and it seems that it all tracks back to her. Had she been doing this in secret for months? Or at least weeks? Perhaps whatever happened to her, the suffering that she must feel to have the need to inflict it upon others... She must be hurting and suffering intensely inside.

Mister Tarset has enlightened me and I will be writing to inform Mother Klara, since she was supposed to mediate a similar debacle with Sisters Eve and Amelia. While I had not wanted to do this, it seems now that it will be the right thing to do. She has begun to slander Sister Margit too, and that is hardly fair. I see now that if I do not inform the Mother Klara, then she will likely continue to inflict suffering on the sisters and brothers that she does not agree with.

I can forgive her for all her trespasses against me... In time. Right now... I am still too hurt to forgive her lie. I do hope that she will attend Sister Eves summoning of all her followers. At the least that way I can tell her I forgive her for taking my job from me, and for causing my suffering. I've endured the suffering, and continue to endure it. I admit I lived a sheltered life, no one had spread a rumour about me before now, at least not to my knowledge. So this is new to me, and even though it has hurt me deeply and injured my very soul, the Goddess is still beside me.

I am not abandoned, and I am not in the wrong. If I hold a grudge against her, that is poisoning myself. If I cling to the hurt she caused, that is also akin to poisoning myself. Maybe, just maybe, it is time to wash myself of it all. Cleanse myself of her intentions and words and actions. I do not think I will be able to heal people like I want to, like I hope to, while I cling to these pains. I need to learn to let go and forgive, even those times that I do not understand their reasons for causing harm. I must still learn to let go and to forgive.

To forgive is a way to ease the suffering of both sides.
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ladylena

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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #92 on: February 17, 2023, 05:29:58 PM »
Quote
02,17,778

Day by day and night by night I feel as though torn in two ways. A darkness tries to push me along one path, while I try to cling to the light. Nyanka, Marissa... Two women who seem to have caused this mess with the garda. I can not write to ask them for less, they made it clear to me that they had no such desire. I also, unlike what everyone else thinks, I do not have the strength of soul to bear the banishment. I need to return to my home. I want to return to my home.

I try to fight this impending darkness and despair but as the days go by with no change, I begin to dread that my fate has been sealed and in the back of my mind I hear the call of the water. Or the call of the mountain peak. I hear the cold is a peaceful way to go. Perhaps I will do that. While they all think me strong, I know the truth. I am not as strong as they think. I long to make this end, and I am almost to the point of doing whatever it takes, even if that means abusing the weave, or turning to darker magics.

I really don't want to. I just want to go home. I was not raised to live among the outlanders. Hala help me.
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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #93 on: February 19, 2023, 01:43:56 PM »

Quote
02,18,778

I am understanding how my own actions impacted my fate. If I had let sleeping dogs lay instead of waking them to prevent harm, I could of avoided harm to this degree. Maybe? Regardless of it, it seems that I can only prove them wrong now. When I can return I will attend the fifth day services weekly, and do what I can to prove that the allegations were wrong. At least in that I have no associations with fiends. It is about all that I can do now. I can either give up to the darkness and return to the cold waters of Lake Zarovich, or I can find the light, however faint, and go towards that.

I never claimed to be experienced in life. My life existed in Vallaki, until our coffers were emptied and I had to replenish them. Since that I have learned love, loss, what it is like to be victim to a falsehood, banishment, despair, and hurt. I admit that I am in a better place now than I was to offer aid to people, having experienced such so quickly. Hala may be a goddess of compassion and magic, but it is in lessons that us mortals learn best. It is in experience that we retain best what we are taught. I expressed desire to walk the path of least suffering, to aid and offer succor to any and all who need it...

I needed to learn what it was to suffer to be able to offer the best care and compassion. However, it has opened my eyes to the innate cruelty and malice that exists within some people. It is tragic and sad, but there is little I can do other than to try to help them. I will just try my best...

As I'm writing this, the little doll Mordalynn gave me is sitting on the table. I called her Flora... In honour of the little girl that could of been. Tomorrow I will get to meet more Brothers and Sisters of Hala.

I am starting to understand why the Mother let me endure this. It was a lesson I needed to learn.
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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #94 on: February 21, 2023, 08:09:55 PM »
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02,21,778

I have now seen the three hags of Barovia. Also devils, demons fiends, whatever you call those terrifying horned monstrosities. I do not understand how people can enjoy killing those things, they are harrowing. Terrifying... Why would anyone work with those things?

I noticed something odd in the swamp though, the stone pillar there seemed to be dedicated to some sort of nature dieties... I always thought that they had no faith. Perhaps, perhaps they were sent to punish people for Halas interferance? Perhaps they worship the other gods who are forgotten in the Tale of Ages... The stone pillar in the underground carvern in Lysaga hill had unique symbols that I didn't remember seeing on the others, I will have to look again. The people I was with were very brutal, so there wasn't much of the hags left for me to really note the features. But they were both smaller than the Annis hag of the forest fane.

I managed to do it again. Healing beyond what stabalyzing a dying person does. I am going to learn from as many as I can. I am sure there is a way that I can call upon divine blessings. I have understood suffering, and love in ways I had no idea possible. Now, I am trying to cling to the light, and Mister Tarset helped me better see it last night. I pray nightly now, to both Hala and Ezra, although, I think they are the same woman, or perhaps one of her thirteen.

It was lovely to meet more Halans. Though I have not taken the veil officially, it felt proper to wear it. It was a sacred gathering, and it was about the whole, nu individuals. I did not want to have reputation follow me, as I was there as a Sister of Hala, not as Narcissa... I think that makes sense... I took a sedative to calm myself from those fiends, it was a little too much, but we survived.

I was only slightly less terrified than I was when I saw the black duke. That was because Mister Raenok is indeed quite capable of putting them down. Why in Hala and Ezras name would people think I'd be consorting with those things? I've seen them now, I would of rathered remain blissfully ignorant.
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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #95 on: February 25, 2023, 04:18:06 PM »
Quote
02,24,778

I have been putting off writing the letter to Mother Klara. I think I will ask Sister Amelia for advice on how to write it.

Miss Rith taught me that I can share sight with my familiar, I had no such idea that was ever possible. Actually I knew nothing in the first place, this only proves to me that Eros was certainly not a familiar. She also showed me the pool and this magical place called a planatarium. It was magical and beautiful, and the top of the observation tower! Oh my Goddess I could see the walls of Vallaki, and even the city itself with the magnfiying tube you look through, what was it called? Oh right a telescope.

I've been enjoying speaking with Sister Amelia and I believe that I will take up her offer of tutelage, but first I need to know a little more. I wonder though, if she is only doing this because I made an error and wore the veil when I shouldn't of. If I had not made that choice, would she still be willing to teach me? She wants to have me devote myself to her order wholly though. I'm not sure about that. For if I do she would want me not to learn from Eve. I want to learn from both women. They each have their own wisdom, and are wise in different ways. They both have different means of taking the path of least suffering. Perhaps I can learn first from Eve, and then the traditions from Amelia.

I really am excited to learn more about Hala. I believe more now than ever before, the importance of being able to alleviate suffering. Although to me, suffering and pain go hand in hand. Although, even I understand that sometimes we have to suffer. Even if we learn from it, it doesn't negate the suffering endured while learning. Part of being able to have compassion is understanding what suffering is like. Although it would be lovely to see a world without suffering, there will always be suffering to some degree, that is why we call it the path of least suffering.
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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #96 on: March 18, 2023, 05:39:57 PM »
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03,18,778

I have thought much about my actions and what I should do going forward. Marissa is from Richmulot, Amelia is from Mordent I think, Eve is an elf. They are the three that I know personally who know the most about Hala, each of these women are knowledgeable in the information I want to learn, but none of them are from Barovia and so they do not have an understanding of life here. I do know of one other Halan, Mother Herczog. Perhaps she would be willing to instruct me, as someone from barovia she has a better understanding than the other three. On my own I try to put others first, to take actions that will result in the least amount of suffering possible, I put others first, but perhaps that is not all there is. Sister Amelia offered to teach me, but I think she may of become too busy to teach me what I lack.

I can read the story of creation over and over, study the book about magic that mentions the weave, study my medical books, but I feel like there is something vital that I am missing, something I need a teacher for. Marissa spoke to me about her order where in order to take the veil one must forsake relationships, and how she took a vow to speak only truth and of course to cause no harm. Eve has taught me that it is not our job to interfere, nor to judge but to help how ever we can. Amelia has taught me that forgiveness is the highest road we can walk. Despite all the time I have been around them, not a single one ever taught me about prayer or divine magic, or arcane. Eve gave me the book, statue and a holy symbol she has taught me the most. It took my making an error for sister Amelia to offer to teach me more in depth, and that is because of how her order operates, she explained that to me, and lacking a Mother, she felt the need to do so. I appreciate the chance, but the reason for her teaching me doesn't feel right. I do not want to learn to be a proper Sister of Hala because of guilt and a mistake.

Perhaps it will be better for me to learn from one who lives in these lands, who has experienced the harshness of this land and its people. I have tried to learn and tried to act by example, perhaps it is because my ability to use magic is innate that they feel I do not belong. All magic comes from the weave. Regardless of it being arcane in nature or divine. I've watched the patterns woven when divine spells are cast, I've seen the motions of the hands and heard the words, but no one ever offered to teach me how. I've thought back to what I've seen when Eve used magic, and Marissa when she taught me to counter-spell. I have spent many days now in prayer and meditation, thinking about the path of least suffering, how to help others and how all magic is connected. I would happily trade several of my spells for the ability to heal. It may be selfish wanting to have such capability but, it is what I want. It seems like without that ability I will not be permitted to learn. However, if all I can ever access is the ability to heal those who are on deaths door, then I will be grateful for that ability.

Since all magic comes from the weave, I do not see why I should not be able to use divine magic as easily as arcane. I know that I can make this happen.
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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #97 on: March 31, 2023, 12:17:24 PM »
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03,31,778

I have spent quite a while in isolation, meditating and thinking about my choices, actions, everything that Sister Amelia has taught and said to me, all that Sister Eve has said too. I admit I do have much to learn, I am eager to learn now. I want to learn more. Not just about Hala, the weave or healing, but about the world. I want to see what more there is beyond the confines of my home town. That is what I want. Getting married to a Barovian was what my mother wanted for me, it wasn't really what I wanted for myself. Although, I did love Benedikte, I have learned that I deserve better if I am to go that route.

For now I want to focus on trying to figure out how to harness healing magic from the weave. I have watched how people use divine magic, I have the words memorized, and I've watched Eve and Marissa cast, but for all this time, I have believed that I could not heal. That my magic was different from theirs. Even when told that all magic comes from the same source, I had convinced myself that I was not capable of doing such without being taught. So, I tried to find a mentor, but none seemed to want to teach me. I had accepted that for a while, but now... If I can cast magic naturally, then I can cast magic naturally. I have already felt the spells I know shift and change before, and all magic comes from the weave. As the weave is the very thing which makes up everything. Strings and threads which connect all together.

As one who has that natural connection to magic, I know there is a way that I can tap into that magic classified as divine.

I have spent all this time focusing on that aspect. On the fact that all magic comes from the weave, I can easily access the weave, so if I focus and concentrate hard enough on the patterns I've seen used by others, I will be able to manifest that magic. I will be able to heal people beyond those at deaths door.

I wont let anyone stop me from being able to be my best self and be best able to help alleviate suffering. I may not fit with Sister Marissa's views of the path of least suffering, and perhaps not with Sister Amelia either. I have books to learn from, and I can learn from the very world around me. Why should learning be restricted when the weave encompasses all? I will learn from everything, and choose, from today on, to take every hardship as a lesson and learn how to better understand what the path of least suffering is truly about.
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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #98 on: April 12, 2023, 02:02:03 PM »
Quote
04,12,778

Magic comes from the weave, the distinction between arcane and divine are created by those who are not given the knowledge about the source of all magic. They do not know or understand and thus believe that it can be one or the other. I was one of those people. I thought that divine magic was something that had to be taught, had to be learned. I thought that because my magic was "arcane" that I was unable to heal and would not be able to without learning from a priest or sister or brother.

The weave connects everything. It is the fabric of reality, of the existence of all. Magic stems from the weave, the fabrics of reality are what we pull at and what we shift and sway when we use magic. I understand that now, but I have much more to learn. While this banishment lasts I will see if there are people who will help me to explore the old abandoned monastary, and the ice palace.

Legends and lore are ancient keys to history oft forgot.

I want to learn about everything there is. About the world that I live in. If the beautiful display at midway is truth, then that must mean there is much that I can learn. Knowing is how we can best treat and ease suffering.
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Re: Powers Seduction
« Reply #99 on: May 03, 2023, 03:38:21 PM »
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05,03,778

I've found a better understanding of magic through much thought, and due to that, I can better aid others. I really was quite foolish to assume that I would not be able to heal, that restriction was all my doing. I prevented myself from fully grasping the gift that the Mother gave me. Yet also showed me how easily magic can come, and to be alert and careful of my thoughts and desires. Magic is something that we must be cautious of and respect, for if we let ourselves, we can find the allure of its power corrupting. Find ourselves drawn to using magic for a darker purpose, such as to control, manipulate, harm or even kill. For those who follow Hala, there is an additional risk I've been taught. Hags enjoy corrupting Her faithful more than others.

I do wish to thank Marissa, she allowed me to grow, and to experience things beyond my comfort. Even now I'm sitting, alone, in an old fishing lodge, every time the wind blows I can hear the beams creaking with the gusts. I can also hear the heaving and settling of the old wood as spring sets in... All alone with just a lantern and magical light for illumination it's rather eerie. I keep expecting something to pop out of the shadows.

Since my return I've met someone who was lost in the mists for nine whole years. That must of been terrifying, but I am glad he found a way out, Mister Le Nore seems like a very kind man. We tried to put down some undead and worgs, but the lack of combat enhancing magic proved to be a downfall. We survived and took little in the way of damage, but, likewise weren't able to do much in the way of damage. I excell at preventing people from being harmed. I wont use magic in a way that will cause pain and suffering, but perhaps I can learn alchemy instead. Maybe by using the remains of the creatures destroyed, I can put them towards a better end. I have seen people selling 'magical varnishes' so I know it is possible. I understand that not wanting to harm is a wonderful, noble ideal, but there are times where being able to harm is needed. Even if I don't like them, that is why it is the path of least suffering, not no suffering.

I'm getting better at brewing medicines too, I'm going to try to make some regeneratives to help boost a persons natural healing abilities.

I am also thinking of going from town to town offering medicines, clothes and aid while I await the banishments end. I read in the review that Benedikte is more or less the highest rank, I'm so glad he achieved that. He worked so hard, and by the sounds of it, paid quite a hefty price in his morals and spirit. I wish I could be by his side again, but if wishes were horses beggars would ride.
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