Within the swirling Mist (IC) > Biographies

The Wild Pirate Named Jimmy

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James Ladimor Summerlin, a crazy son of a bitch ... Or so he was told by dozens.

On that hot summer day, all but one had the great laugh, and that 'one' was James.

They dashed out of the tavern in Luskan, City of Sails, with blades raised and women screaming.  "Jimmeh!"  Shouted a fellow with long, blonde hair, "Stoop fookin' a'roond wif tha' bird an' git in th' ship befoor it beh tae late, aye!"

James was busy making out with a middle-aged waitress from the tavern and did not hear the man.  "Yer a cuteh girrr-rrl, sweetums, whot'cher name, eh?"  Asked the flaming-haired elf.

Before she could answer, the same blonde fellow yanked James out of her arms and muttered coldly while the elf's boots clicked against the wooden planks inside.  "Yeh dinnae fookin' listen tae meh, Jimmeh!  Oi shed joos' leave yeh 'ere tae git sloo'terd boi th' Shell Gang!"

Poor James moaned and did not say a word, reaching out with both hands for the waitress that purred for him.  "CAP'N Ass-hat!  Lemmeh bloomin' take're wif oos, puleeeeeeease!?"  He begged finally.

"Tha's 'ASET', YEH FOOK!  Nut 'Ass-hat'!"  Shouted the blonde as he smashed his other fist to the back of James' head, "Yer a bloomin' pain in th' arse, Jimmeh, oi swear it!"

The evening passed, and the crew composed of two dozen were sailing on their ship:  The Silver Rose.  A fine vessel, it was ... Grey-painted wood with a clean deck, and loads of interesting characters.  Most of these characters, including Jimmy, were composed of con-artists, drug-dealers, theives, and even ... mad chefs.  Captain Giand Aset kicked open the doors to the crew dorms one evening.  "Jimmeh!"  He shouted, "Git'cher arse oop 'ere!  Oi need a werd wif ya!"

What Captain Aset didn't realize was that James was busy cuddling with his daughter, Lila Aset!  James hit his head against her head and growled, "Shet, luv, hoid soom'whar!  Yer poop's coomin' an' if'fin e' saes ye, oi'm fooked!"

Lila grabbed her clothes, dove into the closet near his bed, and slammed the door.  James, on the other hand, slid into his one pair of pantaloons and laid there with hands behind his head.  Giand opened the door to James' room and gave him an icy stare.  "Jimmeh ... Oi've bin 'earin soom shet 'boot yeh flirtin' wif meh dough'ter ... THIS BEH TROO!?"  He unsheathed his sabre and pointed it to James while he relaxed.

"Nay Cap'n!  Oi'm fookin' clean!"  Said James with confidence, "Whot gave ye' tha' oidea!  Oi'm yer bes' man, remembah?"

Giand lowered his sword and rolled his eyes, "Oil'roight, Jimmeh.  Oi believe yeh, yer' nay tha' bad, yi'knoo."  He then laughed and sheathed his sabre.  "Doon worreh 'boot it, mate.  Yer clean, oil'roight."

Suddenly, a rather large wave hit the sailing ship, and it swirved heavily, tilting and knocking over everything in the room ... And then the Captain's naked daughter crashed against the closet door and ended up on the ground between both of the men.  Giand stared at Lila long and hard, and then he looked to James and his eyes began twitching.

"Har-har-har ... Uh ..."  James hesistated and turned pale, "Oi jest?"

The next day, James found himself standing at the beginning of ... The Plank, blindfolded, and scratched up in several places.  The Captain stood next to his crying daughter, along with all the other crew-members, and shouted loudly while pointing his sabre at James' back.  "STOORT WOKIN', TRAITOOR!"

While James was slowly walking, he started humming a light tune and sang "Oooooo Loilahhh ... Moi foine sweet deareh!"

The Captain's daughter sniffed and looked up "Jimmeh?  Coom back!"

"Har-har-har!  Dinnae worreh, Loilah, oi'm nut gunnae doie,"  Said James with confidence as he reached the very end of the plank, "Coos oi'm frum fooken Looskan!  An oi'm nut joos aneh see-doog!  Oi'm Jimmeh Soomerlin!  Tha' best poirate in tha'- ... WOOOOOORRRRRLLLDDD!"  He screamed as the Captain stomped over the plank, causing James to plunge to his imminent doom.  What he did not know was ... The water was strangely 'misty' that day ...

As James screamed while tumbling down, he could tell that he was going to hit the water any second ... But a minute passed, and he just hung there, his body feeling like it was floating.  When he felt moist, wet grass below his body, he quickly reached for his blindfold and removed it to see nothing but trees and mist!

"Whot tha' fook 'appened!?"  Shouted James as he stood up and brushed the mud off his sleeves, "If this is tha' bloomin' abyss, oi'm readeh fer' sum bloomin' foon!  YEH!"

... And so James Ladimor Summerlin began his adventures in Barovia.  Would he become just as much of a failure as he was in Luskan?  Or would he emerge as something greater?  ... Probably worse!

Speaking to one's self while standing at the docks of Vallaki.

"Oi need t' git tha' fook oot'a 'ere!"  James shouted  while throwing his hansd toward the cloudy night sky.  His high-heeled boots rattled over the wooden planks above the waters of Lake Zarovich.  He paced back and forth and began recalling his memories.  "Har-har, oi wondah whot ass-hat's doo'in wifoot meh!"

James was always a loud bastard, so his friends from Luskan remarked all the time.  They never understood how such a screw-up could manage to win the hearts of women, and they couldn't figure out why they trusted him so easily, despite his dirty greed for wealth and power always alerting them at each scheme prepared.  James recalled those memories while picking his nose, and he laughed for hours on that dock.

He then sat over the edge of the docks and allowed his boots to dangle above the waters.  Streteching his arms behind his head, he thought about his dear friend, the caliban named Grimshackle.  "Boi, oi shoor loov' Grimmeh!"  He said whie snickering to himself, "Loik' a bloomin' broo t' meh.  Hoop'fooleh oi kin keep 'im oota trooble wif 'em damned guards."

James was well aware of the dangers of making friends with calibans, and he excepted it.  The idea that he was able to last as long as he did with Charlotte (Cherry he called her) with all the 'bans comforted him.  "Maybeh oi'm purdeh good wif makin' troost'wortheh friens' aftar'oll!"  He admitted finally, grinding his sharp, white teeth together in glee.  "Whar tha' fook's Cherreh aneh'hoo!?"

Charlotte is a rose, James felt.  He doesn't say that to be romantic in the least, although it could be assumed as such whenever he says it around locals.  Every rose has its thorns, and Charlotte is COVERED with thorns!  In order to gain a simple kiss, James would have to endure scratching, biting, slapping, bickering, AND nose-tweaking ... He hated the nose-tweaking, because he knew that SHE knew that he hated it.

"'Un o' em dayehs, oi'm gunnae smack Cherreh sae 'ard sheh'll bloomin' croi fer oo'wers!"  James declared while raising his chin, "Boot 'en oi'd prolleh git tha' fook beat oot'a meh!"

James then thought about the broo, the chubby, white-haired fellow who introduced the opportunity to make a living in Vallaki.  He was tempted to say "Fook'it" 'till he thought about the outcome.  Risky, challenging job ... Greater rewards.  Plus, there was also the most important aspect of it, of which James stood up and crashed his right boot harshly against the wooden planks.  "Oi'm frum fooken Loosken fer fook sakes!  FOOKEN LOOSKEN!!!"  As he crashed his boot again over that wooden plank, it fell apart, and James tumbled into the shallow waters of the lake.

"Jimmeh!  Was that you!?"  Shouted a familiar, muffled voice from afar.  The jolly, yet gruesome calliban Grimshackle emerged and kneeled over the edge of the remaining planks, where he saw bubbles raising from the lake.  "Jimmeh!  It's the middle of the night, and you're taking a bath?  Didn't your mother ever tell you to shower indoors!?"

James emerged from the water and spit out a fish while groaning and shivering.  "Gud dammit!"  He shouted as he held his hands up to Grimshackle, "Git meh oot'a 'ere, Grimmeh!  Bloimeh!"

Grimshackle did just that and spoke to James while the wild pirate shook himself dry like a dog, "What are you we going to do tonight, Jimmeh?"

James grumbled and squeezed the water off his sleeves, and then he looked up to Grimshackle with determination.  "Th' same bloomin' shet weh olwayehs dae, Grimmeh!  Troi an' take oo'er Ooncle Rheemoosus' ancestoors!"

... Uncle Rheemus was a rather disturbing character that James and Grimshackle encountered one evening:  A lonely gold coin in a treasure chest.  The daring pair declared from that day forward that they would do everything in their power to unite Uncle Rheemus with the rest of his coin-brethren ... Under any means necessary.

I really enjoy reading your stuff, keep up the outstanding writing!  :fonzie:


James couldn't sleep this night, and he sat in the chair of the bedroom he paid for.  Leaning back and stretching his feet forward, the Luskan elf began recalling events from the past.

It was a cold, stormy night on the main docks of Luskan from years back.  The blonde captain of James' ship, Giand Aset, stood next to a relaxed James while smoking a pipe.  "Jimmeh, whot're yeh finkin' aboot roit noo?"  He asked  as he puffed a circle of smoke from its end.

James, whose legs were dangling over the edge of the dock, shrugged his shoulders and looks up to Giand while picking his nose idly, "Nut mooch realleh, Cap'n.  Whot're weh gunnae dae, noo tha' weh've gut a REE'OOL ship?"

The Captain lowered his pipe and laughed horridly before emptying its contents and sliding it in his vest, "Yeh shed knoo th' an'sar t' tha' 'un, Jimmeh.  Weh're gunnae becoom mer'chunts!"

James extracted a small sample of waste from his nose and flicked it into the sea, "Mer'chunts, huh!  Loike ree'ool bloomin' mer'chunts tha' trade n' shet?"

Aset shrugged his shoulders and looked around before smacking the somewhat daft James over the back of his head, "Nay, yeh fooken id'jet!  Oi'm tookin' boot poiracy ... Tha's joos oor bloomin' pooblic name n' shet!"

"Oh," James blinked, rubbing the back of his head, "Well oi dinnae fink name'un oot th' "Black Flag"'s a roi oidea, coon'siderin' oi 'eard o' anoothar lot tha' grabb'd tha' name n' got fook'd oop on sum bloomin' oi'lan."

"Fine 'en, fookah!"  Aset declared while crossing his arms and staring out to sea, "Yer a bloomin' foine hench'an, ye pick th' name fer it!"

James hopped up to his feet and threw his arms up in surprise while eying his Captain with glee, "Oi, yer shetten meh, Cap'n!?  Reelleh!?  Fooken roi!"

Aset shook his head, "Hurreh oop 'n pick'un, or weh're gunnae name oot th' "Roosteh knoife", ye."

"Fook tha', Cap'n!"  James shouted and snickered, "Weh're gunnae coll it ... uh .... AHA!  Tha' "Silvar Roos", aye-aye!"

"Hmm ... Interestin'," Aset stroked his chin and shrugged, "Whot th' fook, tha's foine.  Oi loik th' ring tae oot.  Weh'll beh th' Silvar Roos, a bloomin' MER'CHUNT ship!"


James laughed to himself in his bedroom.  "Ah, th' good ol' dayehs ..."  He looked down at his new garb, provided by his new mates, the Red Vardos.  Grinning to himself, he began pondering.  "Oi wondah if'fin 'ese gois're loik th' koindah "mer'chunts" th' cap'n aim'd fer ..."

Suddenly, he heard a knock at the door, where Charlotte's voice alerted him, "Jimmy!  Come out, come out!" 

Leaning back and crashing his head against the wall in shock, James dove forward and quickly changed attires while screaming, "Innuh minoot!"

Of Dice & Men

Winning that amazing round against the loud-mouthed Mila was a keen victory to James.  What made him laugh more was that he made more of a profit selling it back to her than he did beating her, alone.

Dirty One Eye ... James' dirty little secret ...

It all started back in good ol' Luskan.  James spent the entire day carving an eight-sided die out of a small wooden block.  After polishing the wood, he painted it blue.  Why blue?  To James, red was his good color, and blue was his opposition.  In gambling, one must have an arch-rival, and what better rival than his own creation, James snickered to himself as he pained the eight, white numbers.

"Un ... Twae ... Tree ... Foor ... Foive ... Sex ... Sevoon ... 'Ate!  'Ate soids!"  James shouted cheerfully as he finished counting his creation.  "Noo if'fin oi kin fink oov a gud name fer 'is ..."

James made the rules of Dirty One Eye at that time, but he did not have a name for it.  He thought of it previous nights before spending a full day carving his eight-sided die.  It was a sparkle of hope for the Luskan, for he would either become the richest son of a bitch in the world ... Or he would become a bankrupt scallywag.  "Gud dammut!"  James growled while walking down the busy streets of his home town, "Whot th' fook'moi gunnae coll 'is game!?"

"Hey you loud-mouthed sod, stop shouting!"  Called a voice from behind.

"Whot!"  James' eyes bulged out and he turned slowly to face this man who dared calling him a sod.  He appeared to be a tall thug dressed in a black garb ... Long, greasy, black hair, even longer than James, and an eye-patch over his left eye.  The flaming-haired elf lifted his chin, "Hoo th' fook're ye, mate, an' whot d'ye wont wif meh?"

The one-eyed scoundrel shrugged his shoulders and approached James.  "What's that you've got there, bub?"  He asked firmly while pointing to the blue die in James' hand.

"Joos' a bloomin' doi ... Oi've gut a kickarse game tha' goos wif ut, boot oi kinnae fink oov a name!"  James sighed, hanging his head down.

"Well get your arse inside this tavern and let's play it!"  The one-eyed scoundrel gave the flaming-haired elf a toothy grin.  "What's your name?"

The two started for the pub when James answered, "Oi'm Jimmeh, whot's yer name, mate?"

The tall thug shrugged as he opened the door for James, "Name's Gareb!  I'm the leader of the Black Fl- ... Never mind.  Just call me Gareb, all right?"  He twitched and shrugged his shoulders.

James gave him a suspicious glance before entering the pub, "All right, Gare'oob."

While they sat at a small table together, James could not help but avoid the sight of dirt all over Gareb's clothing.  "Yer purdeh dirteh, Gareb.  Whard'ja coom frum?"

"Oh ... Err ... I'm on vacation, Jimmy!"  Gareb laughed, "I'm actually early to catch my ride to a crappy little island called Amia, ever heard of it?"

"Nope."  James shrugged, setting the blue, eight-sided die on the table.

"Well never mind, then!  Don't ask!"  The one-eyed scoundrel winked back, "Uh ... What are the rules to this game, Jimmy?"

James briefly described the basics of the game:  Taking turns rolling, trying to get to sixteen without passing.  "Un moor fing, Gare'oob," James mentioned while holding up his right index finger, "Yeh kinnae roll a 'un."

"What happens when you roll a one, Jimmy?"  Gareb quirked his left brow while sniffing his nose.

"Well ... Yeh loos, it's a bad noombar, tha's oll."  James explained in a boring tone.

"What a stupid rule!  There should be a penalty or something!  That would make it fun, I think!"  Gareb smashed his right fist over the table.  "How about you get to make the person feel like the biggest loser in the world!  Even throw some punches or something, you know?!"

James laughed hard while leaning back, "Oi loik tha' rool, meh'finks!  Le's gae fer 'ut!"

On the first game, James rolled a one, and Gareb smashes his right fist over the table and reached out to slap him across the face, "HAW HAW!  YOU LOSE!  Hand over your coins, Jimmy!"

On the next game, Gareb rolled a one, and when that happened, James flicked the die directly into Gareb's eye-patch.  "HAW HAW!"  James cackled, "Yeh loos, yeh dirteh 'un oi!"

"THAT'S IT, JIMMY!"  Gareb rose from his chair while extracting the eight-sided die from his missing eye, "That's what we'll call this game!  And that's what we'll call the penalty!  DIRTY ONE EYE!"

"Tha's bloomin' keen!"  James stood up with him, and the two men laughed merrily before the door of the pub burst open.

In charged a one-eyed dwarf, a blue-skinned halfling, and a tall, pale lady with very revealing clothes.  The dwarf screamed at the top of his lungs, "GAREB, it beh time t' git th' 'ell oota 'ere!  The ship's headed back!"

Gareb winked to James, "Pleasure meeting ya, Jimmy, I've gotta catch up with my friends.  I'll take your game to the island with me, don't worry!  Happy winning!"  And with that, the strange party of four left James alone.

He stared down at the die and smirked, "Dirteh 'Un Oi ... Noice."


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