Author Topic: Shadows of solitude  (Read 427 times)

Raven Credale

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Shadows of solitude
« on: December 28, 2021, 09:37:03 PM »
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   These past few days, I seem to have forgotten things. I've become to lax in my ways. These conversations that I have with others...I must cease them. I must remind myself that emotions are a pathetic thing to have and that they just get in the way. Attachments will only hinder me in the long run. Friends and allies...are just liabilities. These is no place for me in any of the realms that is outside the shadows. I belong no where and i belong to nothing. One may think this is not a way to live...but it is all i know. Hate. Malice...rage...that is all. And they are not needed like all the other emotions one can have. So I must burn these bridges and cut these ties. There is no future for me with these attachments. So why should I keep them. These past few days and with more than just a handful of people..


    It has only proven to me that I can rely on no one but myself.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Shadows of solitude
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2021, 04:34:32 AM »
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   I suppose there is some explanation I must make. Before These mist filled lands, before the harsh sun of Amn, there was Guallidurth. The temple city of Lolth. I was born into one of the many houses there, House Xal'tari'sylenvii. My mother was second daughter but lowered due to my birth. She took her rage out on me. Her spite and lose of rank on me. And the others members of the house...allowed this. They would say "a fitting treatment for a waste of skin like her." I'd be beaten, starved and locked in some cell for days. Malnutrition easily appeared on me and the bruises didn't fade for weeks. From justy mother beating me, it turned to the whole house becoming my tormentors. One even went so far as to brand me. To carve webs into my forearms then burn them in to make sure they stay. The comment "Even if you live long enough, anyone who sees you will know what you are. And you will die like the pathetic dog that you are."

   Yes these brands on my arm were not self inflicted, and yes they followed the veins up and across before they were burned shut. The more disgusting thing though about this, is that in the temple city of Lolth, there was never just one way to worship her. Never a unified place. Each house had a different means to show their faith to the Spider Queen. Mine showed it by tormenting me and mentally breaking me til I was no longer needed by them. One thing still remains in my mind even now.

"Anyone who is smart with throw you aside. You are a pathetic creature that is just going to be replaced by everyone. Even if you die. There will be no one who will care to miss you."

   Words hissed at me by the one I should have called mother.


   I must forget these memories...I need them to be silenced...yet they keep screaming at me from time to time. Perhaps...this is what some would call Post Traumatic Stress?
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Raven Credale

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Re: Shadows of solitude
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2021, 08:57:09 PM »


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   The next brand I got was when I was older. A spider etched into my back by the same one who etched the webs into my forearms. I remember them telling me. "You'll make for a decent Drider, at least then you'll be useful, you pathetic worm." The feeling of the knife being ran into my back with more force... I had to stay quiet, or the pain would get worse. But when it was over and I was branded once again, I went back to my cage and just laid on the cold stone ground. I realize now...that I am broken...fractured and it has only been made worse over the years.

    When the merchant from Amn bought me, part of me felt like I would be free of these chains. But I was wrong. I was sold to be a mere trophy. Something to degrade in the sun. Something that held no value. There were times where I looked at a knife and thought about ending things. I thought about how in the next life something would be better...where I could be free of the chains that wrap so tight around it it's suffocating. I'd hold the knife in my hands above my heart...but I could never plunge the knife in. Instead it would fall and I would weep in silent tears. Asking myself why was I cursed to this life? In what sick and twisted scheme did the Spider queen find it amusing to torment me as such? In Amn...I broke even more and piece by piece that I managed to pick up, my need to run grew stronger and stronger.



   I know...I am broken. Damaged beond repair and flawed beyond recognition...I shut my emotions away...I try to silence the past that screams and hollers at me from the back of my mind...and I find it so terribly heard to really trust anyone...My mind is my enemy, and when it hijacks control of my emotions and rationality...I am a prisoner to it. I do not sleep...I have not slept in...such a long time...And meditations are much the same...
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Raven Credale

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Re: Shadows of solitude
« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2021, 05:38:22 AM »
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   I am...perplexed...the kindness others have shown me. Treating me like a...person more than something to spite or hate. I don't...I don't understand. It makes no sense to me...and that 'thing' done for the briefest of moments...what was that even? I don't...I don't understand my mind cannot process this or these things. Why ...why? I'm...I don't think I can handle these sorts of things right now...I'm use to such harsh and terrible treatment than this is...unknown to me. I...I don't know how I feel about it...I don't know what to feel about it...I'm confused about it that is for sure. But...what...why...



...I really can't fathom the reasons why. Or the concept of it. I am...so very confused by these things...

Below is a doodle of someone giving her a hug and she's 100% confused on what to do. It's not a terrible doodle, but it's no work of art.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Shadows of solitude
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2022, 05:55:02 AM »
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   I've come across a new place to loiter. A bit dangerous to get to but it's an abandoned monastery up in the mountains. It seems self sustaining for the most part. Wild Musk ox's to use for food, a pool or water that seems to come down from higher up in the mountains. Bit run down though I suppose i could restore it so it's a bit more livable. It would be a nice little haven for those like myself. The temple doesn't seem to house anything ominous or dangerous. And the dorms seem relatively empty. It will take a lot of work to renovate this place, but it doesn't seem like a bad spot for out casts and twists to be.

    Or I could just keep this place all to myself, save for the few I enjoy the company of. Can't be completely isolated after all...not that it would really make much difference I think. If I'm around or not...
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Raven Credale

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Re: Shadows of solitude
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2022, 05:01:06 AM »
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   These past few days...I have been...less closed off. Less machine like I suppose. These interactions with others and even the talks have been... different. I find myself...caring about them...it is strange...but...in a curious way. I know that I was trained to not get attached to anything. That I was to be a dagger from the shadows. But...looking back on Shar and her history...even she had allies at one point too. Though she kept it all professional. There was even a time she and Selene set aside their grudge to fight a common threat.

    While I cannot understand these new emotions and thoughts I have fully, in time I believe that I'll gain some understanding of them. Til then...I am curious as to what else the shadows might teach me here.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Shadows of solitude
« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2022, 04:50:14 AM »
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   This silence and having to spend time hiding...how I dislike these Garda that have apparently returned. One was fine to annoy, but...the hooded imposing one that has the greatsword. I do not think that one will tolerate my antics like Cip did. If anything that one looks like he will cleave me in two just for the hell of it. Bit peculiar though, I heard people saying he was some sort of werecroc? If that's the case then these Garda are idiots and I should have lied to Cip. Could have told him "Why yes I am a normal elf but I look like this so that I can hide from the monsters. Wolf in sheep's clothing if you will." But...I not that influential to make such an elaborate lie seem believable.

   In any case, I will need to watch myself or get better gear to boost my appeal to these Barovians. That...or I simple leave this place and find somewhere else to loiter. But...something in my gut tells me if I do that then I may run into something that might...cause my mind to snap back into memories...memories I do not want to be consumed by.

...Not again...
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Raven Credale

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Re: Shadows of solitude
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2022, 05:08:57 PM »
Warning: Themes of self-harm and Torture.

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   In the silence of the abandoned home of the Sullen woods, Rauva sits on one of the beds upstairs. Her legs are crossed where the tops of her feet rest on her thighs and her hands cupped in her lap. Her violet eyes are closed and only the soft sounds of her breathing echo in her ears. She centers herself and tries to clear her mind...but...

"You think it's that easy hmm~?" That voice amusedly spoke in her mind. "You know, -you- can't really kill the Devil, but it can surely drag -you- back into hell!" The voice laughed as Rauva's mind soon turned against her.

   Memories of chains tightly locked around her neck, the rattling sounds they made as she walked or moved. The restrictive ability to get enough air and the feeling of being strangled all flooded her senses. She wanted to scream, but no sound came out of her, she wanted to open her eyes, but the thought of the memories being true paralyzed her. She wanted to move, but -they- might be nearby to torment her. The devil in her mind that watched and waited. The one who lingered in her memories like an echo she could never silence.

   "You really are a pathetic worm you know. You cannot do anything without someone leading you like a dog. You're more worthless than maggots festering in a corpse." The voice seethed and taunted with malice.

   Attempting to calm herself and to regain what sense she could, Rauva lifted her hand to her mouth and bit hard into the side of it. The metallic taste of her blood washed over her tongue, the searing pain numbed the sound of the voice but only for a moment as it came back much louder in maniacal laughs.

   "I will not leave this time Worm! There is so much time we need to catch up on~" It echoed in her mind making it harder and harder for Rauva to stay in the present.

   "It's not real...It's not real..." she softly spoke to herself. "I'm not in chains....I'm not bound... I'm not..." Rauva murmurs quietly then...*Crack* "AAAAHR Mmhhhffff..." She shouts into the darkness as she dislocated her left knee. The pain of this silenced the voice in her mind before she fixes her leg. She lets out a breath, panting as she tries to coup with this level of pain. The voice had never been this bad before...it had never persisted beyond her biting her own hand. Rauva opened her eyes and looked about the dimly lit bedroom. Seeing as she was alone and that there were none to witness this moment. She let out a quivering breath. Her eyes closed again for a moment before opening again. Her regular stone expression replaced her moments of distraught.

"I am not -your- Puppet." she spoke to no one.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Shadows of solitude
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2022, 06:31:55 AM »
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That voice...its voice...how I hate when it comes back from the depths ofy mind. I wish it silenced, bit it screams and laughs. One might say it is a ghost of my past. Of the tormentor that placed these brands upon me. I would not doubt that as they were the one who enjoyed psychological Torture. Such sweet words or tone of voice, just to hide the pure rage, malice and spite towards me...

   I know I am broken and that fixing me will not be simple or if possible. Regressing in my training from stupid mistakes...it gives the voice in my head more power. More reasons to control me. I know I should seek help...I know I should find some means to quiet this voice but...I don't know where to turn to or who to bring this up with...
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Raven Credale

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Re: Shadows of solitude
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2022, 09:33:24 AM »
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    I...am at a loss for words....when they are around the voices do not chatter so loudly in my head. They are subtle...quiet. When they leave I feel more....isolated than before. I do not understand these emotions, I do not understand this...comfort. What is this? Why am I feeling these strange things? It is like I am in pain, but I do not mind it? I feel relaxed...as though nothing can...harm me...and what they've said or told me thus far...I...It is all so strange to me. Am I... developing a dependency? No, I can't be, it would not be right if I did so. I'd be betraying my own law of nature if I did that. There is just me, myself and I...but...would it be that terrible to lean on another?

    I've been on my own for so long...I've done things by myself for so long that...this concept, that these emotions are so foreign to me that I am rendered...speechless or shocked. I...I don't know what to make of all this. I don't understand anything that has happened between us. I know of Lust...I have been a target of it and in unwanted ways...but this...with them it doesn't feel like that. I am not seeing the signs of what is common to me. By the Shadows am I truly this fragmented from the past that I cannot even see what is in the Present? Am I so blinded by the old memories, pain and voices that I cannot see what is standing in front of me?  Though...there is a part of me that knows something. Should I break again and be completely shattered...

    I'll return to the life I had previously known without question. To be subservient, mute, and without a voice of my own. To return to the chains that I once hated so much and damned any who put them on me...I know...that despite all I would do to prevent such a thing...If it came to pass...I would revert back to the life I escaped from...and I would never attempt freedom again.

   "-You- cannot kill the Devil, but it can drag -you- back into Hell."
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Raven Credale

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Re: Shadows of solitude
« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2022, 05:52:09 AM »
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Once more...I am at a lost...I cannot think straight...this...what is this i am feeling? The voices grow stronger but even they are confused by what has happened. Disoriented even. I hear it screaming, shouting "Step away from my prey!" I cannot think properly, not with these emotions, not with this voice in utter chaos. But..

   I cannot deny it...this emotion...this feeling...I still do not fully know -what- it is... But it drowns out the grinding and hums of the voice. Yet I wonder when this too will dissolve. When will it just be me alone with the voice again... I don't want that. I don't want to be thrown back into the silence. I will fight this voice...I must fight it. I am not it's plaything...I am the one in control...not the voice.

   And when it has a form of its own...I will break it into submission. I may not be able to kill the Devil. But I -can- send it straight back to hell.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Shadows of solitude
« Reply #11 on: Today at 05:20:17 AM »
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   Soon....Soon I'm going to head out of Barovia for a bit to a place called Port-A-Lucine...From what I've been told it is rather posh and fancy. But if I head there, I'll need to cover my skin up fully. No doubt someone will ask if I am ill or goad me into something. I've but one goal there and one goal only. To replace these brandings on my skin with something more...Me. Something that suits me as an individual. I suppose this will be the one and only time where I will have to suffer with restrictive clothing. Hopefully I shall have enough to make it back here to Barovia so that I might still accomplish that task I've been given. One is already done...though I do hope I -Never- have to do something like 'that' again.

   I do not understand how some individuals can stand such an...awful...taste...I see no joy in it and it makes me gag really. But...It it one of the things I needed to do apparently. As beastly as it may seem. In any case, I need to plan for my next one soon. But for now...Port is first. I've a bit of an idea of what I wish my tattoos to look like at lest.


Below is a detailed image:
((Art done by me :3))

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