Zaya Corvinus - Cursed

[Day Old Bread]

Twelfth moon - Third Quarter - 775

Few incidents this past full moon.  Mother sent me into the forest like we practiced and I found shelter for the long restless nights.  On the third day, when dawn came, my hands were bloodied an I confused, a dead racoon lay nearby.  It certainly could have been worse.  She was right about one thing, being under the open sky helps.

I've never seen so many soldiers before.  When the boats arrived, I didn't expect anything to change, certainly not as quickly as it did.  More surprising was the number of rebels within the city.  When I saw them fighting back, I grabbed my axe and made for the door.  Mother wouldn't have it.  She grabbed my arm and something in her eye told me that I left, there would be no coming back.  It was enough.  The hesitation set my mind right.  Why should I fight for people who have treated me like I am some kind of beast?

In the end, they didn't need me.  Moraru is dead and this man, Ajkler, is here.  I think we are as close as we have ever been to freedom.  It feels good.  Maybe they will learn not to hate me once we have our home back. Doubtful, but mother will be happier.  I wonder if they will be able to take back the lands in Invidia too.  I think I'd like to travel to her home some day.

[Day Old Bread]

First moon - Full - 776

I lost control. Mother has a black-eye and I more bruises and scrapes than I remember.  She said something was happening nearby and she didn't want me wandering alone at night.  I suspect we got these marks as I tried to break free from her.  I don't blame her, she is doing what she knows is best.  She's always looked after me and given me what I need even when it is hard for us both. 

I feel comfortable when I am with her and the pain and agony of everyone else is quieted.  I don't know why she is so content when others who have more are only want to complain and cry.  She is stronger than I ever knew and I wish that she could have a better life.  Maybe when I am old enough, I will go and find a place to live and she can live in peace, without the sideways looks and backhanded comments about her child.

She tries to keep me away from others and I like it that way.  But, I did over hear her speaking to one of the neighbors about the war.  Apparently the siege of Teufeldorf went quite poorly.  There are other whispers too.  Strange whispers that I don't know if I believe.  I wish I could see it.  I wish I could be a part of it.  But I won't do that to mother, not after everything she has sacrificed for me.

[Day Old Bread]

First moon - Waning Crescent - 776

I was in the market when some pissant made a remark about my mother.  I didn't hear the whole of it, but it was something akin to a wagtail.  To think, a woman with no husband who takes no men into her bed would be called such a thing.  He probably said it because I am a bastard.  Doesn't matter.  I followed him home and beat him with a stick until he was unconscious.  Took what coin he had and fetched some decent food, a surprise for mother, she deserves nice things.

Dinner was pleasant and mother didn't ask where I got the meat. Better that way. She knows I would lie, and I don't like lying to her.  I still wish she would let me join the Army.  I can fight and I want to.  She knows better than most.  But, I love her and I won't abandon her.  Maybe I will find another way to be a part of this.  There has to be some way I can help.

[Day Old Bread]

Second moon - Waning Gibbous - 776

Things have been relatively quiet since the army moved eastward.  This past moon wasn't terrible.  Tried something new.  Mother did always believe in silly old tales.  She sent me out with a rabbits foot.  Not sure where she got it, but it's supposed to bring good luck or something.  It's hogwash.  Though admittedly, it was one of the more quiet moons.  I kept my wits and didn't run afoul of any beasts.

I think one of the neighbors must have lost someone close.  There's been a heavy feeling in the air lately and it pains me.  I wish these people could get a better handle on their feelings.  It's especially bad when someone dies.  The weight of it leaves me breathless.  Mother has been praying more. I don't understand it.  Does she think the gods will come and answer her prayers?  They won't, they never do.

I'm just so glad to have her.  I don't know what I would do if I couldn't have the reprieve that she gives.  Even just a few moments of calm and quiet is enough.  I wouldn't have it without her.  Should probably tell her some day how much she means to me.

[Day Old Bread]

Third moon - Waxing Gibbous - 776

I can't believe it.  They took Berez.  They actually took Berez.  It's been at least a few weeks and they're holding.  I've heard rumors from travelers moving back and forth.  If they can actually keep it we might have a chance.  It's a bit disturbing though, what they say.  Night creatures attacking the walls every night.  What is it about change that drives those creatures to such madness.

Things at home are getting tense.  Mother continues to pray more and more.  It's a waste of time.  The gods don't care about us.  Those that hold to the old ways are becoming more aggressive and the non believers are pushing back hard.  Our new Duke, or whatever he is, has banned worship of our ancestral faith and it has caused a fracture.  What does it matter who they pray to anyways? It's not as if anyone out there is listening.  It's not like the gods are going to come down and save us.  I'm just thankful to those who've put their lives on the line so that someday we might have a new home.  Some day, when I'm strong enough, I'll join the Black Army.

[Day Old Bread]

Third moon - Waning crescent - 776

Things are getting more than tense.  There have been numerous little skirmishes within the city.  This new Duke oversteps.  Who is he to tell our people who they can and cannot put their faith in? Mother said many of our people used to pray to the old god before the Devil and his dogs tried to take it away from us.  They take away everything and we are too stupid to see that these squabbles only weaken our fight.

It sounds as though things in Berez are going poorly.  Nightly attacks from creatures beyond the walls. How long can they last defending every night.  It's hard to believe just earlier this month I was filled with hope, but now, just as it always does it begins to crumble.  Everything crumbles and fades.

[Day Old Bread]

Fourth Moon - Full - 776

More trouble brewing.  The Wachter's apparently set siege to Berez.  They had cannons.  Somehow the Black Company still holds.  It's awe inspiring, but I know it cannot last.  Mother was right.  I would die if I joined them.  Still, maybe there is something I can do.  Maybe some way I can contribute to the effort without putting myself at the end of a Barovian blade.

Two more sleepless nights.  Two more nights wondering if I will wake here or in some field somewhere, or worse.  I have made a friend of sorts though.  A curious young raven has made his perch in my little shelter.  He brings me little trinkets, baubles of all sorts.  Today he brought me two buttons, one of them silver, and a small bell.  I've fed him some of my stored food and he seemed to enjoy it.  Maybe I can teach him to watch out for me when I am out here.

Two more nights.

[Day Old Bread]

Fourth moon - Third Quarter - 776

I come back home and not more than a few days later, Akjler is murdered.  Worse, they are saying it was one of our own.  What kind of person does this to their own people? We were making headway.  We are still holding them back in Berez even if they are constantly assailed by creatures from the dark.  Old Noapte is fearsom, but we are strong and we are surviving.

I don't agree with what he did.  Shouldn't have made it illegal to worship our ancestral god.  But that is no reason to kill him.  It is no reason to give our enemies the advantage.  We have to make them believe we are strong, even if we aren't.  We have to point our blade at them instead of each other.  It's absurd. How could our own people betray us like this. 

We're never going to win this fight.

[Day Old Bread]

Fifth moon - Waning Crescent - 776

The army returns from Berez.  They look beaten and weary.  Some have told stories of unrest between the citizens there.  There was fighting.  It wasn't between the army and their enemies, but from the people within the city, normal people, farmers, artisans, maybe now the Barovians there know what it is like for us. I suppose this is the cost of relying upon hope.  We can't wait for someone else to come and save us.

The raven visited me again last moon, so I gave him a name, Bosszu.  Maybe it is a stupid name, vengeance, but he responds to it.  Maybe he must like it.  Next moon I will try to deepen our bond through magic.  It will be nice to have a friend to call upon whenever I need. 

Everything is falling apart so quickly.  It is as though our fight was balancing on a single stone.  When I am old enough and strong enough, I will be sure to help build a stronger foundation.  The Black Army still has numbers here though.  I will try to find a way to help them regain their strength for the next push.

[Day Old Bread]

Sixth Moon - New - 776

They've started rounding people up and evacuating the city.  Mother won't go and I won't leave without her.  They say the Devil himself is coming.  If this is where we die, I am ready.    Mother is sure we will be spared, the gods have told her so.  I don't believe it, but again, I will not leave her here.

Just like that, it is all over.

[Day Old Bread]

Sixth Moon - Waning Gibbous - 776

It's over. Everything is gone.  Everyone I knew is gone.  I can still feel their cries, the agony. What was that? What was that feeling? I still can't place it.  It was like everything came through me at once, all of their terror, the regret, the loss.  I can never come back.  It is all gone. What am I going to do? Where am I going to go?  I can't get their voices out of my head.  I can't stop hearing their screams.  I don't even know where I was these past few days or how I got wherever I am. Why?

I should have stayed with her and tried to get her out too.  God's be damned. Why didn't she just leave.  I'll make them pay. I don't know how but I will make them suffer.

[Day Old Bread]

Seventh moon - Waning gibbous - 776

I still ache for them.  Sleep is difficult to come by.  I can still feel the terror and the agony they all felt in those last moments.  I think it will never leave me.

Iacob Eliade, I'll never forget that name.  He's the one who saved me.  Don't know why he did.  Maybe he lost someone too.  Doesn't matter. He should have left me there to rot.  He'd probably still be breathing if he did.  It was about a month he gave me shelter.  Taught me how to hold a weapon proper. I still don't understand why he did it.  Stupid bastard.  Everything would have been fine if I'd not lost control.

I tried to tell him that I needed to leave but the buffoon wouldn't listen.  What'd he expect would happen?  Then he tried to extort me.  That was his mistake. I probably would have let him be if not for that. Pig.  Doesn't matter anymore.  I've got enough food here to last another week or two and there's some things growing in the field I can probably harvest.  Maybe I'll slaughter a pig or a goat. I don't know.  Either way I've got to keep moving east.  I know it's the wrong direction but where else can I go?

I'll die out here alone.

[Day Old Bread]

Eighth moon - Waxing crescent - 776

The food didn't last very long.  I butchered a goat, but the meat spoiled quickly.  The hog lasted a couple of days longer, I cooked it all strait away.  I don't know how to prepare meat to last for an extended time.  There is some flour left, at least.  I can probably make some bread with that.  Doesn't matter. I'll head toward Berez next.  Seems like a bad idea, but maybe if I look pitiful enough someone will take me in for a few days.

After Berez, I'll go on to Vallaki.  I've heard stories of outlanders flowing into that wretched city.  Maybe I can blend in with some of them until I can take my vengeance. Whatever it takes.  They'll pay for what they did. They'll pay for their failures.  They'll pay for their betrayal. Let them burn.

I saw that fat cow in my dreams. Iacob Eliade. That fat slobbering face trying to hold me back. Ass.

[Day Old Bread]

Ninth moon - Waning crescent - 776

Nearly there.  Another week or two at most, I think.  Then, I don't know.  We'll see what happens when I get there.  I'll try to blend in. Maybe I'll try to find work. Would be nice to sleep in a bed again.  Even if it is a disgusting Barovian bed.

All this time I have just been running, trying to get away from home and to something else.  Now that I am close, I don't know what to do.  I need to plan. Make some money, learn to fight. Stop being so gods damned weak. You'll figure it out from there.

I've got to find a better way to deal with this moon madness. This last one was bad.  I was half naked and covered in blood. Who's blood?

[Day Old Bread]

Tenth moon - Full - 776

I decided to wait out the moon before completing the final leg of my journey.  The way people are, if I had lost control immediately after arriving I would have surely been driven out.  There was a place just west of the city, quiet, peaceful at night. There wasn't any shelter, but enough trees and cover to keep out of harms way.  I've been exploring since, trying to find any place better to go when it comes. Not much yet.

I have been watching these people here, there are a lot of strange ones.  Outlanders flock to this place like it is some sort of haven to them, but they are hated nearly as much as me.  I'd nearly forgotten what it feels like to absorb so many different feelings all at once.  I hate them for their petty woes, but there is at least some comfort in them. They drown out what happened to me at Zeidenburg.

It was only a day or two before the garda started giving me trouble.  First I am searched and groped by some disgusting oaf for sitting on the ground and minding my business, then one of them tricks me into greeting them in my own tongue. She nearly beat me to death for uttering a simple hello.  I know where I stand now, and I'll kill that harpy for what she did to me and for the part she played taking my home away from me.  Need to get stronger first.

There is a way maybe. I met a man, something was not right with him but he is like me, haunted by the moon each month and driven to madness.  He commanded some unliving thing and asked for my blood. I don't know why but he promised he would let me live if I gave it to him.  What else could I have done? There are too many things for me to do here to simply give up my life for a few drops of blood.  He gave me a message for someone and told me to hang it across from the sunkisser's temple.  The message came with a gift too, a blade stored somewhere far away, Port-a-Lucine.  I'll have to figure out where that is later.

I've found someone likes to leave messages around the city, kin, I think.  They don't sign their name.  Maybe they are like me, waiting until they have the strength to do something. Maybe they are just a coward. 

I've already started looking for kin.  There are more of us than I expected living here.  So many of them are like my mother, content to live under the heels of these filthy pigs.  There are some that seem to have heart though.  They are generous too. Maybe they can help me get stronger and learn how to fight.  I'll figure something out. I wish mother could have come with me. I can't escape these feelings without her.

[Day Old Bread]

Tenth moon - Waning gibbous - 776

They paint me a rebel. I am not a rebel.  But I will let them believe it for now.  It benefits others.  If they are looking at me, they are not looking at my kin.  I have suffered my whole life, what is a little more.  I'll keep them looking at me.  It'll make me stronger.  The pain makes me stronger.

I met the betrayer, she's hired me to do something. I don't know what entirely yet.  But she was generous and kind to me.  It's more than I can say for most of the people here. She tells me her side of the story over and again. I do not need to be convinced. She did what she thought was right.

Beaten twice just this week.  I won't be sorry when I repay the favor.

[Day Old Bread]

Tenth moon - Waning crescent - 776

Arrested the other day for making a joke at the Garda's expense.  They tried to fine me five hundred fang for suggesting one of them couldn't read. Bratu, he's a buffon and I'd be quite surprised to find out he actually could read.  He got himself killed because he wouldn't drive off that twist freak.  Next day he got two more garda killed trying to fight a massive bear.  They're so desperate they'll take any idiot off the street I guess.

Either way, it was a bad time to get arrested. The moon was full and they had me chained up.  I just wanted to run, be under the sky and run free. Instead they beat me senseless and kept me chained to that post.  I blacked out after a while.  Woke up in a cell with blood under my nails, a broken nose and a black eye.  They say I assaulted two of the garda. Convenient that they would arrest me and all that on a night where they knew I could lose control.  Suppose I have someone to thank though.  Instead of hanging me, they've just told me to hand out bread.

They're still looking at me. That much is good.  It's working.

[Day Old Bread]

Numerous pages seem ruined by rain and water, the text illegible

4th moon - Waning gibbous - 777

Some drunken ass bumped into me while I was doing my last entry. Spilled my drink. I nearly gutted him. Weeks, months gone. And memories of my journey gone with it.

So I star anew.

I cannot remember the last time I was myself. I've been so scared.  It's stupid. I can cleave a man in two, carry more than a brute thrice my size, and shrug off most blades Something about being alone still terrifies me.

There were five of them.

One took me in. They showed me kindness and gave me a few things I needed to survive. It was a manipulation. But then I was betraying them all the while.
One spared my life. I don't know why, but they also opened my eyes and showed me the world as it really is.
One gave me love. Conditional as it was, it was love. It was love I did not deserve. Love I do not deserve.
One gave me strength. The strength to endure almost anything. She teaches me, but to what end? I trust her as much as I would trust myself.
Only one gives me purpose. Only one makes me feel at home, even when I am not. It is as if a piece of my mother has found her way there.  It is a shame that I'll only ever disappoint.

Five of them. One is gone, dead or destroyed, however you want to look at. Sacrificed to lift back the veil. One is mad, sick with power. Hunting anyone that cannot be controlled. One will carry me to my grave. One will join me there. Both of them deserving better than I can give. And one will outlive us all. Whatever they are planning, I'll never truly know. Perhaps some day though, I'll be able to look down and enjoy the chaos they cause.