Author Topic: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina  (Read 787 times)

Raven Credale

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Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« on: September 11, 2021, 11:01:47 AM »
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These mist filled lands always seem to hide some sort of Illusion or lie to them. As entertaining as it is to see individuals stride towards an unknown foe or battle, I find it all so pathetic in the end. Even those that seek power through dark arts and means hold a sense of liability in my eyes. This doesn't mean I haven't found some to be a good card to have, though I still don't know if I -should- fully trust them yet.

People change like the ocean waves. And those waves can be unforgivable. In any case, I will keep my guard up and avoid the strings of manipulation. I do so hate when others believe me to be a puppet for their meaningless games. It makes them far to boring and predictable.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2021, 10:55:11 PM »
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Something in my gut tells me it's time to start looking for new companions to travel with. Sad as it may be to cut some ties...it's for the betterment of my survival to not get tangled up in certain webs. Suppose it will be many days advertising my skills once more and not actually getting a chance to use them...perhaps I should remove the Merchant part of my sign...I am...still not as good as I could be for that...not as good as others anyways...
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2021, 11:04:08 AM »
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    Winter is drawing closer, fall has started already bit as it passes I cannot help but remember the days back in Baldur's Gate. Before I was an assisted to the owner there and before the Mists. I remember the harsh cold, the icey air as it stabbed my lungs. I remember my feet, bare to the frost covered ground and chilled to a point I thought I'd lose some toes of my feet themselves. How I managed to survive for so long is both a mystery and a miracle to me. I...had no one...it was just me for a long time.

     Just...Fleurina...the only real part of my identity. I can't really remember the earlier parts of my life. I feel like there was someone there that let me alive when I couldn't keep myself alive. I heavily doubt an infant can really steal or take care of itself. So this mysterious person was there then they left before I could remember them. It's funny to think of such things now when there's really no point. That person whomever they might have been, is possibly long gone by now. And with me being in the Mists I may never find them. It would be ironic to come across them here. But...heavily unlikely.

     In any case, I need to keep focused on my own survival and not something lost to time. I've only myself to care for, so I won't let the past consume my conscientious mind. Here and Now, that's all that matters.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2021, 03:33:53 PM »
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It still perplexes me, the idea of showing a person like me kindness. It is...hard for me to fully wrap my mind around. I know what it is...And I have been exposed to it before getting misted but...even in the past I have always felt there was some alternative motive behind such acts. Where the other party sought to gain something by offering me friendship.

  I recall in the past that there was a time where I was oblivious to the harsh reality of the world. Where people wore fake smiles to mask their real intentions. That is what I am use to. The only person I wasn't so guarded with was my old mentor and Foster Father. He was a sweet man, use to call me his Darling Lilium. There were even days where the flower would be in my room by the window back home...I think it was the one flower that held meaning for me. Then again, he would always ask why I never wore any of the pretty clothing or dresses he bought me. Why I would always go out with my face covered and dressed in dark clothing.

 I don't think I ever gave him an honest answer when he asked. I think I just lofted a shoulder and said why not. I even remember there was a day that he and I got into a fight...and how I blatantly shouted at him that 'he wasn't my true father'. I remember seeing the pain in his kind eyes...and I remember seeing how my words caused his heart to break a bit.

I... shouldn't have said such a hurtful thing. Not to the person who gave me so much back then. A place to stay, to learn and to grow. Why...did I say that? What was the fight even about? I can't recall that part...Maybe in time I'll remember.

  I just hope he's forgiven his Darling Lilium...
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2021, 04:05:39 PM »
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These past few days has me recalling a story my Foster Father once told me. It was about a girl who became a muse for a devil. In the story she was made to hide her face at all times, if she showed it to anyone they'd scream in shock and horror, not because she was hideous or ugly. But because she had an unparallel beauty about her. So the girl hid her face from the whole world. Little did she know, her beauty caught the attention of a young Devil. He would watch her from afar and secretly send her gifts. At first the girl was scared and unsure of the gifts. She was afraid it was a mere joke, but as time went on and the gifts continued to come, the girl became more and more curious. Who was this secret admirer that had gone to such length?

Eventually she got her answer, on a moonless night the Devil appeared before her in human form. The girl shook at the sight of him, but it was not fear that caused her to do so. Surprise yes, but something about him made her...relax. As if she did not need to hide.

"Why do you keep such a beautiful face hidden from the world my dear?" The devil asked as he softly drew the girl hood back.

"Because, many run from the sight of me. Or they call me a freak." The girl replied.

"I see no such thing about you. I see a sad and lonely girl. Tell me, did my gifts bring a smile?" He offered her a toothy smile.

"They did. And for the longest of times I was unsure of who might have sent them. I knew it was not one of the towns folk, and the gifts felt more mysterious than something from the gods. But...I must ask, why have you taken such interest in this mortal woman. You, who is a devil and can out live me." The girl asked.

The devil was quiet as he studied the girl before softly chuckling. "I will admit that I had no intentions of being interested. But it was your smile that swayed me my dear. Each time you opened a gift, you smile made something in this cold heart beat again. And though I may out live you, your beauty will never die in my eyes." ...


It was a sweet story, however the ending is all to sad. The girl is killed by the towns folk for being a devil worshiper. And the Devil, after going through the necessary means to become human for the girl, learns of her fate all to late. And so...he joins her in death. Even if it meant that they are suffering in different ways. I remember how I'd look at my Foster Father and ask "Why can't they just meet again in the next life and live there?" His answer for that was always "Some souls are not meant to cross paths more than once in existence my Darling Lilium. Some souls merely graze one another and some simply stay with each other. But death is one thing that separates them. But the souls that do meet again? Now that is true eternity. We are not meant to fight death, it comes regardless of what we try. Those who reject death become undead."

"What about life?" I'd ask.

"Life happens much like Death. You may try to shut it out, and you can ignore it all you want. But life has a funny way of always happening. Even for broody little girls in dark clothing." He was reply while a boop to my nose.

I've not thought about that time for years now. And I still feel sorry for the two lovers in that. Never together and forever apart. But I suppose there's a lesson in there somewhere.

Never fall for something like a devil. No matter what they might say or do. It will end fatally.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2021, 03:11:28 PM »
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Lately I find myself thinking of my younger self. Of the little girl that would do what she needed in order to stay alive. How the strings she would pull and the lies she would tell to avoid unnecessary trouble. Sometimes I wonder what she would have been like if the world was not so cruel to her. If she would have lived a normal life. Or a life of someone who's name meant something. I wonder if she would have been one of the Ladies like those in Port. Ignorant of the reality outside the city walls. Where bandits and thieves are the only thing to worry about. I wonder if that Fleurina would be able to have had a better life. One where it is not so dark of a path to walk. She would have shown her face more, graced suitors with a smile even. But ...I know that is not me. Perhaps in a different world or in a different life all together that might have been me.

   But that is not the path I choose to walk. No, the little girl I had been chos to walk in the Twilight of the world. She sees the Shadows and what lurks within, she sees the light and what basks in the glow. Yet she and I feel more at home within the Elegant Twilight. There is a somberness, a mysterious to the twilight hours. The feeling that you are in one place but also in another. As if there was a Fable twenty fifth hour to a clock. But the moment is fleeting and many do not realize the beauty when Light and Shadow dance with one another.

But...I suppose that can be understandable. Humans, mortal creatures are the two combined into one being. We dance the mysterious waltz of light and shadows, and it ends when we break off to dance with one or the other. Not many remain partnered with the Twilight,either they are lead to ruin by the Shadows...or carried to valor by the Light. Yet, I refuse such partners. For the Twilight of the world and those that dance with in it's grace, are the only partners I ever wish to dance with. Those free to choose their own paths, their own fates and not be lead by Light or Shadow...those are the partners I enjoy dancing with.

They may not last, and we may stumble at times. But the beautiful Twilight is still there casting it's glow and shades upon us, it's guest, while we dance through the waltz we've come to call Life.


....Looking back at this now, after writing it all out. I find myself amused. Mayhaps I am losing myself to to much thinking. Or maybe i am enjoying the dance.
in
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #6 on: September 19, 2021, 02:14:49 PM »
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The fancy rooms of the keep make me uncomfortable. It feels like I'm out of place. A black blot of ink on perfectly white parchment...I do not like the fancy decorum, the posh feeling of the rooms or the brightness of the colors. And when I dreamed last night, it was not pleasant.

Again I saw my younger self. She smiled a moment before she kneeled down and covered her ears. She screamed in silence and I could already tell it was because of some loud noise. The sounds of a busy market day, the sounds of merchants peddling their wares along the streets. Performers and bards being to loud for her to fully take in all the noise. She longed for the silence, for the one place she felt at ease. Where hardly anyone would see her or hear her. For only the select few to notice her.

I knew, I saw, and I felt that need. I hate fancy and posh things. They're not for me. As far as fine clothing and expensive jewelry...I would prefer the latter or none at all. If anything my tastes In jewelry will go only as far as something that I can hide. Perhaps in time...that lone piece could hold a secret meaning. But...I'd need to figure out what the meaning would be and if it can be shared with select others.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2021, 03:27:11 PM »
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I am young and I am still willing to learn and experience new things....

It's been a long time since I've said that phrase. It was something akin to trust for me. A way that I would show someone that I've no reservations about them. Part of me wonders if I should change that or phrase it better ...or use it in better context than what I used it for today. Regardless, there are very few who I trust here. Even fewer back in Faerun. Though what still perplexes me is why someone would take an interest in me.

These thoughts spawned from a conversation I had, and I began to wonder myself about why someone would take interest in me. Sure I've moments of wisdoms and playful comments, but deep down...I don't believe many would maintain an interest with someone who can act as a simple shadow. Hmmm...perhaps I should cease these thoughts of mine and get back to something more productive. This new weapon of mine will not clean itself.

But to be honest, I never considered myself to be an eye catcher. I simple go about my days as if no one will notice me. Even when the spot light is on me I've the urge to simply turn it off and act as though I am not worth the praise others give me. Ridicule and scorn are more common to me than those who are nice. Perhaps I have detached myself from morality as a whole and only allow a small select few to get close.

Not a very big social circle I have....but...I suppose it will have to do. I think all I really need in this life is that one very good friend....or at lest a purple swan in my little bevy. Who knows.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2021, 09:34:25 AM »
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Winter...a terrible season for me. Not only is it cold but it is a season that stole someone dear to me. Someone who...I may not have been able to survive without til now. The first person I ever loved really. I can see it so clearly even now. It was a harsh winter day, we had just gotten done warming ourselves by the smith in the Lower City. I was still in rags, no older than ten as well. My friend, a boy named Xhi, was unfortunately a half drow. A run away from the Underdark who was lucky enough to smuggle himself onto a traders cart. He never told me which drow city he was from, but he hated it there. He also said that he wasn't like his fathers people...I assumed the drow at the time.

     But...that was something I never got confirmed. Because that night is when the mob came. They had seen Xhi and they knew what he was. I...I was afraid, Xhi told me to hide and to stay quiet. Before the mob came for him. He looked at me, offered me a warm smile then left into the darkness of the night. Eventually the mob showed up and was about to find me when one had a rock throw at the back of his head. A wave of dread washed over me as I saw the mob turn their head like a collective towards the direction the rock had been thrown. And that wave crashed down on me when I saw them all run. I knew Xhi had caused it...I knew they were going to kill him.

     But it didn't lessen the sight and pain of seeing -what- they did to my beloved Xhi. In the morning I came out of my hiding spot. I'd fallen asleep but I did not dream that night. I remembered that Xhi told me if anything happened to us, we'd meet each other in out little secret hideout. I went there and was expecting to see him poke his head out from around the corner to scare me. But when he never did I hurried my pace. The winter air was stinging my face, the snow freezing my feet as I ran. And then I stopped, my knees met the cold snow and my eyes welled with tears at the sight before me.

    Xhi was string up in a tree near our hide out. A bag had been placed over his head and a noose tied around his neck. And what took it even farther than a simple lynching was the evidence that Xhi had been skewered by spears multiple times. His blood colored the snow a crimson red...and I could hear the crows cawing in the trees. On the tree was a note as well. I remember it saying "All who have red eyes will be killed on sight. No exceptions."

     I never felt so much anger in my life, I never wanted to ruin something as much as I wanted to at that very moment. But...I was only a child. I couldn't even cast a single light spell back then without really worrying someone would harm me. Eventually that anger turned to sadness and grief. I cried that day, ugly and terrible tears for a boy who had been the world to me. A little ray of light in such a grey and unforgiving world. Even if he was only Half Drow, he was still a friend to me. He at lest told me that he believed in Eilistraee more than Lolth. When I had managed to regain some of my composure, I took Xhi down from the tree and buried him that snowy day, beside our secret hide out. And when I had finished all that...I looked at everything and took a torch to it all. I didn't want someone to disrupt Xhi's resting place, nor did I want anyone to know where I had buried him. So I set our hide out ablaze and watched from a safe enough distance. I was still crying but Xhi's memory is still in my heart and mind. After that, I closed myself off from others. Kept my thoughts focused on staying busy...Yet every winter, I'd recall that day, and I would fight myself to not break down into an ugly mess of tears.

I fail each year...
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #9 on: October 08, 2021, 09:29:03 AM »
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     Seems I've found myself alone more often than before. Taking time for myself and sorting out all that I think is right or what may be excess. It's hard to really describe things...emotions. Father would say "That is Life my dear. An unpredictable force that is forever changing. The greatest mystery with no right answer". But...I'm not sure what to think at the moment. I look at myself and wonder things. I...find myself worrying most of all. Some chance that whatever lights I've been keeping in my dark little world will be taken way or snuffed out. Some little joys I've come comfortable with will be snatched up...Part of me wonders if...that's already happened. If I've been 'Replaced". I know I haven't made myself well known...but there are some people whom I don't want to forget me...or act as though I'm not there.

     It seems silly...to worry about such things when there are creatures and people out there that I should be worrying about. Yet I'm right here, thinking that I'm back to being in my own little grey world again. How silly...and so utterly childish of me to worry about this...about them...
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2021, 12:59:42 AM »
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  I was a fool....I should have known better than to get attached to anything...Serves me right I was suppose. And 'They' were right once more. I really am a waist of space. Something that amounts to nothing and there is never going to be anything to prove that otherwise. I screw up...I mess up and whatever I find joy in...It never lasts. Why can't these emotions just die off already? Why do I still feel these things? I hate it, I hate them. I hate all of them!


    I hate myself most of all. So weak and fragile...so pathetic it hurts to even see my own reflection. What they see in me...whatever good they see in me or whatever worth there is...I can't see it. All I can see is someone who isn't worth knowing, someone who isn't important or walks with a purpose. All I see is another orphan from the slums who can't do anything right. So why...why are they so persistent in keeping me around? Just get rid of me already! What am I to them anyways?! I'm nothing! I'm just a stand in for something better to come along. I'm not....I'm not....

It sees some drops of water have fallen onto the page as it abruptly ends.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2021, 06:21:02 PM »
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   Why do I exist? What is my purpose for living? What was it that I was meant to do?


    Three questions that I've yet to address, I was to tied up in my mind about something else that I've neglected these questions. So...what is it that I am alive for? I've always had a fascination with locks and the arcane. I even remember when I learned my first beguiler spells and used them I felt something akin to being whole. As I grew older and found myself sticking to the shadows a lot or attempting to keep out of sight...I felt...oddly free. Perhaps that is what my purpose is in this world. To be a shadow that slips in and out of places unseen. To get through locks and to know more than what I should...To learn and hoard secrets. I may not be a people person, but I'm more comfortable with doing things my own way. Learning things my own way.

     I'm still young, but this doesn't mean I'm not unwilling to learn some things. And when those things comes to secrets, hidden or forgotten knowledge...I want to keep it all for myself. Perhaps...I'm not so different from a regular mage after all in that area. More so since I can get past locks and traps. Perhaps one day I'll even be multi-lingual so I can translate things or decode them from some unknown or uncommon language. But...who knows. Hard to say what the future has in store, and it's hard to say who will be in the future.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #12 on: October 13, 2021, 10:33:18 AM »
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Now with my mind cleared up further and some sort of Order has been put back into place, I've started to think more and more on my purpose. I've time to figure it out, I forget that I am not fully human. I've elven blood in me but growing up in a human city it's easy to forget that I can out live humans. My foster father did teach me the language of the elves but rarely do I speak it. Though if I am honest, I don't really take my hood down out in the open or around people I don't fully trust. So many just assume I'm human.

   Though speaking of others, this concept of friends...it is...still something that I need time to process. I've only ever had one friend in my life and when he was taken from me or rather killed, I had a hard time trusting others. So...this is still all new to me. Even with others calling me friend or giving me some sort of praise. I still don't think I'm worthy of it, same goes for is someone compliments me or says I'm pretty or beautiful...I just...I'm not use to it. Mean sure I can act like it doesn't affect me, but this hood does a wonderful job at hiding my blush when I'm out in the open. Surprised no one has questioned how I can see when it's hiding half my face. But in any case, I need to get back to focusing on what I wish to do with my extended life.

   Shall I seek out hidden and forgotten knowledge? Or go follow the path of a rogue and seek out lost treasures. Personally, I think hidden and forgotten knowledge is more important than some lost treasure. Who knows maybe one of the two will lead to the other. Maybe there's other ways of getting out of the Mists aside from tampering with a Gate Spell.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #13 on: October 14, 2021, 07:15:21 PM »
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   'Think of everything that you hate Fleurina. Picture it in your mind. Do you got it? Can you see it clearly? Good, now swing that stick with all our might on to the Teddy Bear.'


     That's what Xio said to me one day when I was child. I had a bad habit of bottling up my anger, honestly I still do. And it seems pretty easy for the Harsh Twins side to feed off that pent up anger. When I think of everything that I hate, everything that just gets under my skin when I'm in the room (usually the center room on the right hand side) in the Harsh Twins side of the Keep, it feels like I can't control it. That I need to lash out at something in order to feel better. That I have to try and ruin something just to make myself feel good again. Back then as a kid I hated how my original parents abandoned me, how the gods cursed me to live such a terrible life...and later I cursed them again for taking Xio away from me. My one ray of light in the darkness back then. But...as I got older, I found myself hating more thing, more people and the gods even more. I'd curse their names and say they never cared. I'd hate the nobles for looking down on the poor because of some back stabbing that happened. And then I'd hate myself for getting worked up over something that wasn't my business. Eventually I learned that I can't do anything to change the hearts of corrupted people. I couldn't change the souls of those to lost in their greed and petty selfishness. Eventually I started to close myself off to others. I shut my heart away and locked it up as tight as I could. I didn't see the world as one full of people, I saw it as one full of backstabbing monsters and Liars.

    I learned to disguise myself through the use of my beguiler spells when I was older. I'd go as a beautiful woman to the noble district and flirt with the men. I'd put up a metaphorical mask and play the part I had in mind. Some men were easily enticed by it, others....took a bit more tact. Regardless, those men never noticed the leaked information til after it was to late. Anonymous tips and clues given to either the local rival gangs or the city guard. But only what they needed to know. The rest I kept to myself. But...it never really filled the whole in my chest. Seemed nothing did. My Father began to worry about me more and more with the passing days. Days became Months, Months turned to years...And I was so lost in a Greyed out world that even he was mere noise to me at the time. He barely knew me at that point. He looked at me one day and asked. "what is our plan now Fleurina? What is it that your going to do next? The little girl I adopted so long ago is now this black shadow in my doorway. Her once bright smile holds no warmth and her heart is as cold as the fifth circle of the Nine hells. Tell me Fleurina, where did you put my darling Lilium? What pit is she stuck in?"

   My answer to him. "Your Lilium is dead Asher. She died in your arms from the Wailing Death and you couldn't save her. You only survived because the cure was made in time to save you. I'm not your Dead fecking daughter."


   I never seen a heart shatter as much as I saw his. The intense sadness in his eyes, the pain of my words hitting him like a knife twisting in his heart...at that time I felt nothing for him. Not a single thing. And I made it clear that back then, I had murdered my own emotions. I had killed them off to the point I didn't know my own reflection. I would see it, but all I could make of it, was just another faceless person in a sea of back stabbing monsters and Liars. Another Mask to wear and fool people with. M mind was focused on seeking knowledge that others didn't dare to look for. To find something that was be valuable to pawn off. Myth of lost treasures, tales of forgotten kingdoms...something that would get me away from Baldur's Gate for good. My plan was to head to the Underdark and explore there, to find something unheard of. Even went so far to outsmart a drow into teaching me Undercommon, little did I realize how that would back fire and put me in the Mists. But even before then...a stranger came to me, knew I had been looking for hidden knowledge and secrets. I never did get a look at their face, they were hooded just like I usually am. But they offered me a book, told me of a place where I could find what I was looking for. All I needed was a few 'simple' ingredients.

   Naturally I collected them without a second thought, and made my way to an abandoned house. I made the magic circle when the alarm spell I had up went off. I turned just in time to catch the crimson red eyes of the drow I outsmarted. Though that wasn't enough when he reached me and physically lifted me up by the neck. Assassins as usual always have a plan for getting rid of people. This one wanted to catch me off guard. And he nearly did. Had I not gotten enough air and could still mutter the words, it is quite plausible that I would not be writing this now. That I would be in an unmarked grave in Toril. But I had remembered that the eyes of a Drow are sensitive to light, so I muttered off a Flair spell. The assassin dropped me, messing up the magic circle and when I activated it...I found myself running into Barovia, rather than the Shadowfell itself like the hooded individual wanted me to.

    Entering these lands...woke up my dead emotions. I began to wonder, recall and reflect on many things since I've been here. I've lost myself to crippling doubts in the past few weeks. Questioned my own reason for being and why I am even alive. I've had others tell me that I have worth when my mind screams at me that I don't. I've had others tell me that I am kind, even when my heart shouts that I am not. I've had others tell me that I am beautiful, when my eyes yell they're Lying. These Mist filled lands have made me start to question things more than I would have normally cared to. It's made me reflect on m past actions and my past doings. I know there is no god here who can hear the cries of those damned to this Misty Prison. I know there is nothing that can undo what I have already done or said even before the Mist claimed me. I knew long before the mists that I was a lost soul in the eyes of gods and goddesses. Abandoned by blood, by friends and by faith...I became one of the Lost.


    And that is fine. I sought forgotten knowledge. I sought a way to leave Baldur's Gate for good...to run away from the pain that lingered there even after Xio was gone. I ran from my own light and became the very shadow I always see myself as. This Keep of the Dyad, it's given me a chance to...reflect more. To realize that I am...a shadow and that my light is not in the form of another person. My missing light is else where. Somewhere searching for me but is unable to find me in all this mist and fog. It sees the shadows of others, but perhaps my own heart is over taken b darkness that I blend in with the other shadows around me.


   But perhaps I am simply mad now. That I've lost my mind from how long I'm been in these lands. So young, yet now so utterly mad. Perhaps I am looking into this more than I should.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #14 on: October 15, 2021, 02:24:17 PM »
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    Another night spent in the Harsh Twins side of the keep...my previous entry seems to reflect just how easy it is for the keeps sides to influence me. That or I really are losing my sanity. I can't really say now, perhaps all this idling I've done and all the times I see large armies of people head out on an adventure has made me to docile. Ugh, if it wasn't for my elven blood and these terrible food rations, I think I'd be more than plump now....In any case, I need to start heading out more if I want to find some sort of lost or hidden knowledge. Even if it means I need to head out alone into the Mists. It's far better than not doing anything like I have been. Just writing in my journal waiting for a reasonable group to form that needs a trapper or locksmith is becoming painfully boring.

    I miss the days where I was always dragged out to Vestibale...even if back then I'd just stand back and look pretty. Be a muse for the groups bard some others felt more inspired....I do miss those days. Not the mess ups and having to wake up to the temple ceiling though. Or the fact I wasn't good at sneaking like I am now...Part of me misses the little interactions I had with those I use to travel out with. Now things are back to just....lil ol' me sometimes. Gods, why do I find it so hard to people sometimes? Why can't I just throw myself out there and not have to worry bout my brain saying 'Fleur, shut up. No one cares about you'. You would think some nineteen year old who's good with locks (Not the best, no where near the best) would have the courage to just say "Hi" every once in a while....Gods I am terrible at conversations...The hell am I suppose to even talk about? Mask be damned what do I even start off with? Is it the usual "Hi, names Fleur and I can do magic and stuff along with opening locks and traps."

   That.....sounds very out of character for me...Mean I've built up a image of being quiet, mysterious and possibly unapproachable by some. I don't really talk much but again my mind tells me to hush up and let others talk. It's so exhausting to appear broody all the time...what I wouldn't give to have a friend or friends just ask me random questions about nothing in particular. To just chat and forget that the mists are cruel. I don't even care if it's something like girl talk, just anything. Heh...If someone even got a hold of this journal and read it, they'd definitely think I lost my mind a few entries back. Some good person would probably tell me I'm going to the nine hells for my previous entry, then then others just wouldn't care.

    But as usual, no matter where I go, it is the silence that accompanies me most of the time. Just wish I was use to it like I had been before the Mists. Suppose I should cut all ideas of future love interests out as well now that I think about it. Mean, I've got time to not worry about that. Why am I even rushing it? I'm not some human that'll live for a hundred years then die...or die sooner than a hundred years if stupidity is involved. But that does remind me that I'll be around to see my human friends pass away. Much like how the elves see their short life span friends pass away. The drow just don't give a damn I guess. They're...still ones I would not want to mess with and avoid if at all possible. Anyways!

    Back to my point...what ever my train of thought was going with all of this. The point is, I am bored of standing around with nothing to do and no one to talk to. This silence is more than likely going to be the death of me and the tree I lean on will eventually grow around me....I -really- need to venture out more...
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #15 on: October 16, 2021, 02:46:50 PM »
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   The past few days have been rather eventful. Seems The temple to Anubis has become my new playground. The traps are simple enough, it is the locks that still stop my talents. I'll have to seek out more of the good Lock picks, or ask if others can keep an eye out for me. I was told of the Black Market in Port, but I've no idea how to get to it yet. Regardless, it has been better than standing around and allowing my thoughts to run rampant. Though one memory has come back to me. The sound and feeling of playing the piano.

    Seems rather silly to think about now, but if I one day have my own home, I think I'd like to have a piano somewhere. If I got my own mage tower then I'd enjoy having a piano on the second floor. The first would be either a shop or Library with a kitchen off to the side as well as the bathroom. The second floor a living area where the Piano is. Third floor would be the bedroom and there would be a trap door that leads to the roof, where I could simply sit and watch either the world below or the skies above. To count the stars or find constellations in them. Heh, rather whimsical of me, one who tends to be so quiet. I've always liked looking up at the night sky at the stars. It felt as though that was the only time where I didn't wear a metaphorical mask. Where I could look out and imagine what else could be out there in the blackness of the night sky. How beautiful the stars where along with the crescent moon. And I didn't mind how small I felt.

    It's rather odd of me to be thinking of such things now. To have some sort of future hope. I know that nothing is set in stone and that life doesn't always go as planned. But it's a dream I wouldn't mind if it was made real. Though if it happened here in the Mists, I've need to find some way to get my tower back to the prime material plane...Can't really call myself a mage in Toril if I have no fancy tower after all. Hahah, it is an amusing thought though. One I do not mind entertaining more than negative thoughts. Ideas of how things would look, where things would be placed and the sound of the Piano playing.

   Asher once taught me how to play, simple tunes and scales to practice with. Eventually I experimented with the keys and started to create m own melodies. Xhi's memory would come to mind as I played. I'd imagine him standing at the corner of the piano watching me play. A smile on his face while I ran my fingers over the keys. I could almost hear his voice 'You are oddly talented Fleur, A quick learner and everything. Say, think you can play a brighter tune next?'. I'd try of course but the melancholy of losing Xhi always changed the tune back to a somber one. Then I just stopped playing one day. I don't know why, it may have been after I shut myself away from everyone that I didn't go near the piano again. M Foster Father began to worry more about me, we then had our fight and I then came to the mist after everything. If there was a piano somewhere where no one else was around, I think I'd try to play it again. I wasn't one for big crowds, I'm still not, so if one or two people hear then that's fine with me I suppose.

   I'd rather not have a gathering around me.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #16 on: October 18, 2021, 08:48:36 PM »
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   Looks back at the start of this journal and look at recent entries, it seems like I've opened up more. Like things are less grey and colorless now. Curious really. I've started to divulge some truths, even to myself. Perhaps it is because I've started to divert away from the person I once was. That I've taken a chance to try and atone for somethings I probably shouldn't have done. Maybe to atone to Xhi's memory and how he tried to lead me on to a good path. Thinking about it now and looking at my previous entry...I'm reminded that I've been to the beach before. Sure I saw from my high advantage roof tops, but I've never buried my toes in the sand or let the wing flow through my hair. Then again, I don't really take my hood down when I'm outside.

    Perhaps one day I'll do that. For now I am to fond of my higher elevated loitering spots. A shame the walls of some cities and tows are to smooth. Other wise I'd enjoy climbing up to the highest points and looked down at others. To get away from the noise of the ground and be in the air. Heh, if I were a great mage and not a beguiler, I think I'd like to find a way to have a Mage tower in the sky. One that moves with the clouds to stay hidden. Be my own little castle really. A fancy idea, one that might not work really. Though I wonder if it could be made in the Mists? I know they like to shift quite often and they can be rather dangerous. But it would be a safe resting place for adventurers to recover before exploring the Mists more. I'd have to get a priest out there though so others wouldn't have to travel back to the Vistani for aid if they've no cleric in their group.

    Interesting idea, possibly not the most practical and my home would also move with the Mists too. I'd need to devise a way to find my home if this idea ever did come to pass. Perhaps devising some magic runes? Or perhaps creating a spell? Hmm teleportation does not seem like it would work here. And if it did, there are possibly terrible outcomes where people become one with walls or trees. Magic Runes would be my best option, Perhaps I could devise them to be a sort of compass that always points in the direction of my tower? But I'd need to think of a way to link the two to myself as well. Perhaps a bit of blood magic? Or imbuing a part of m soul into the two? Hmm, I may need to look into this a bit more at a later point. It'd be interesting to see if it would really work. I could make the magic rune first, maybe make two so that when I am in danger or over my head while out alone, the person I trust the most would be able to tell and come to my aid.


    Something to ponder for awhile I suppose.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #17 on: October 19, 2021, 11:05:58 AM »


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   Asher Krovanoff.

     It's been awhile since I've recalled his appearance. His eyes were always kind, just like his smile was. I remember there use to be days where he'd tap me on the head with a book if I fell asleep during one of his lessons. He'd scold me too for it and say I was up all night causing trouble again. Now that I look back on it and how he treated me, he really did care and worry about me. So the day I told him he wasn't me real dad or that I wasn't his daughter...I'm just reminded of how hurt he must have been. Makes me wish I could take it all back and tell him I'm sorry. That I didn't mean any of it. But I can't. I left him alone in the shop...I can only imagine how things must have changed for him. He was to sweet of a man to warrant such treatment from me. It was him who told me that my last name was Du'Parcina, said that I had trade mark black hair of theirs. But he seemed to understand why I was abandoned. It was a noble house of just humans. A half elven child was....well frowned upon by them. So by some technical right, I'm the daughter of a noble house. But I don't care for that. I never did really, that sort of life was never for me. And it makes sense of why Asher tried to have me dress like a lady instead of how I normally dress. He wanted me to have a life that was better than one in the slums.

     But I didn't want that. I hated that idea. How prudent nobles can be, how their games involve to much back stabbing. And even if I were to live a life of luxury....It wouldn't be me. I'm to use to the struggle. To use to the dark underbelly of things. I'm use to the twilight of things than the dawn. But...I need to rest. My trip through the Mists last night took a toll on me...and I cannot seem to focus as well as I could earlier on things. My mind still feels like I am here....but not at the same time...Like there are two me's....Maybe with some rest I'll feel better. That tower I came across in the Mists....I knew stepping through that door was not a wise idea. Not while I was alone...Well....Curiosity did not get to kill this cat at lest.
« Last Edit: October 19, 2021, 08:58:16 PM by Raven Credale »
A ragtag band of ladies who have a talent for Sass.

Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #18 on: October 19, 2021, 10:23:29 PM »
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   My mind is still a haze, hearing others makes my head numb. Like there's a ringing in my ears that's low enough to over look but still be there. Maybe I took a hit somewhere in the Mists last night? Did one of those little devourers get me? I can't remember clearly. But I was out there for a long time last night. Out on my own...on my own...much like I am now. Funny how that works, guess I'm good at being a sneak to get away from crowds without anyone noticing. Heh, lest I haven't lost that bit of knowhow yet. But it was stupid of me to go out there alone. I should remember the first rule of adventuring, never go alone.

    That's how I'll end up dead and my body never found in the Mists. I'd hate for my soul to end up getting twisted...by the Mists. I'd stop being me...I'd stop being Fleur...I don't want to think of the person I might end up as if that happened. But this idleness isn't keeping my mind off those thoughts. I need to think of an anchor. Something that will keep me from getting lost in my own thoughts and keep me in the Here and Now of things. I need to think of something to ground me. Something that can shock me out of my thoughts and bring me back.

    But what that is, I can't fathom a thought that's good enough to be the anchor for my mind. Perhaps I'm looking into this to much....thinking to much makes my head hurt though. I feel the fuzziness come back and  the ringing sound in my ear gets a little louder when I try. Perhaps I have suffered a head injury when I was out in the Mist last night...Though I don't suspect sleeping in the temple with demons and devils in Perfidus was a bright idea either. I got so lost that I found the way. I slept in the temple and woke up in the Mist Camp. Strange how that happened...something to question that is for sure I suppose. But I'll save that for another day. A day where my mind isn't throbbing.
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Raven Credale

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Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
« Reply #19 on: October 20, 2021, 08:50:24 AM »
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   Well I can say with certainty that whatever was affecting me yesterday and the night before no longer has a hold of me. From what I've been told I died twice in that Shipwreck and was brought back both times. It would explain why my entire body feels so sore...like my bones haven't quite healed from those tentacles roughly wrapping around me. I...I think I became full of quills at one point too but I can't remember...All I do remember is many tentacles and a lot of pain. Well....lest I am not dead for good, not sure if I'd be missed really. Maybe by one or two but...I think I'd only ever really die if everyone who knew me forgot about me. A rather sad fate that would be.
A ragtag band of ladies who have a talent for Sass.