« on: June 18, 2021, 07:38:50 PM »
If I am to be frank with anyone, I should be frank with myself. I chiefly feel contempt and fear when I walk in the Publique. Mostly fear, in the Savant. They were not built for those like me. They were built to keep those like me out. Still, what else I am to do than force myself to do this play-acting? My father gives me no alternative. When someone who calls themselves a freak has been my best company in the Publique, that must say something. At least being around them does not make me want to detonate something.
Par Ezra, never let me be as self-absorbed as the people I have met since returning. I have nothing in common with the people who have deigned to become acquainted with me in their busy, high-class lives, and maybe that is what saves me. They simply do not know disdain and awkwardness when they see it. I wonder what they would say if they learned that I find a simple sailor more compelling than any one of them. Probably very little. Maybe it would validate their sense of superiority.
Maybe I am projecting my emotions. Father’s neglect… par Ezra, I still have not gotten over Jeanette’s death. Or Paul’s. Or anyone’s. That fear and panic and the smell of smoke and the noises from that day might never stop haunting me. I do not remember any nobleman protecting us then. And if they do not, we have to do it ourselves.
Speaking of father. I wonder when he will stop offering suitors to me. I've made it as clear as I can to him. He knows why. I have only ever asked him one thing, and he still refuses to understand. I wonder if he would understand a letter better. I might have to pen one... merchants understand letters.
Being ordinary is hard work. [A few dots of ink and anxiously tapped lines dot the page, as if speaking of the author’s hesitation.] And even with my best efforts, I fall short of the mark. But it does pay off.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2022, 09:36:59 AM by Vissy »
Logged
Active Character: Heir Andarateia, Lia Lanthaloran
Other Character(s): Gilraine Alean'ani
Shelved Character(s): Vinyafael Yavanna, Callistrae Dawnshadow, Vika van Voytz
Closured Character(s): Rakel Leviken, Celeste Seifert