Sapphire and Gold eyes

[Raven Credale]

Name: Milelal Fcilnyn
Nickname: Milly

Age: 138

Height: 5'0"

Race: Moon Elf

Class: Sorceress

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Misted from: Mythdrannor, Faerun, Toril.

Background:

    Life for her was as normal as one could expect for an Elf born in Evermeet, the isle of Elves. Her home was in a port town named Elyon, her father owned and ran an enchantment shop and would usually grace the fishing boats and sailors to have safe fishing trips. And as for her mother, well, she was not around after Milelal was born. The only thing Milly knew were the pictures of her mother as she grew older.

    Her father, Irilam, soon noticed Milly's natural talents for the Weave as she grew older. He also noticed that there was something a bit strange about her as well. The gold flecks in her eyes. Neither he nor her mother had this oddity. Curiosity soon lead to madness as her father delved into countless experiments on innocent and random elves. Trying to recreate the oddity of Milly's eyes.

    Frightened by the mad man she once saw as a gentle father, Milly took what she could and fled her home. Fearful of the possiblity that her father's madded gaze would fall to her as his next experiment. She was only 121 when she left.

    Five years passed and Milly was living peacefully in the forest of Mythdrannor. She knew of the dangers around the area, but she did not have her home stand out so much. If there was anything she learned from her father aside from pulling tea sets out of thin air from her cloak, it was making things hide from unwanted eyes. She had a nice minimalist home and kept things tidy. Though from time to time her familiar would cause a bit of mischief with the wild life. Life was good for her and she had all that she needed to survive.

   That is...until they came. Skin of ebony, ruby red eyes that blazed with malice and scorn and hair as white as freshly fallen snow. Their armor was a mixture of Black and Violet, their cloaks patterned like spider webs and the clasp of a Spider held them fast. The Drow. Scared at the sight of them, Milly quickly hid and hoped that they wouldn't find her home. However she had forgotten one thing, her familiar was still outside as evening turned to night. From her hiding place, Milly could hear the Drow speaking in their native tongue. She didn't understand what they were saying but she soon heard her familiar scream.

    A sharp pain ran through her as the scream continued. She covered her ears and shook as the pain grew until there was just silence. Her body shook, like she had been the one that had been ran through then crushed. Footsteps slowly approached her home, she heard a door open. She tightly closed her eyes knowing that the Drow had seen past her spell. An image of her lifeless familiar looking to where she was flashed in her mind before a hand was placed on her head. Shocked out of her thoughts, Milly's eyes flew open, her heart threatened to break her rib cage as she looked at the Drow in front of her.

    They were male but something was different about them. His eyes weren't red like the others and there didn't seem to be any malice in them. Instead they were a gentle violet and she saw concern in them. He placed a finger to his lips and motioned for her to follow him. With little choice, Milly placed some trust into this Drow.

    Quietly the two left Milly's home and headed deeper into the woods away from the others. Hours passed before they stopped at what appeared to be a cave. Fear was creeping up Milelals spin as she was motioned into the cave. Something about this didn't sit well with her, but what choice did she have now? If she ran now she would definitely run into the red eyed Drow. So she walked into the darkness of the cave, feeling her way along the walls in hopes to keep pace with the man in front of her. As they walked, she could hear the sound of water running getting closer until eventually one came into view.

   The man motioned her to follow him to the left, where a small camp had been set up. He took a seat and so did she, though she wasn't feeling any less on edge after what just happened.

    "I am sorry for your familiar, Miss." The man said with a soft voice. "It may sound heartless, but if it had not been outside...you would have surely been on your way to the Slave market by now."

    Milly swallowed the lump in her throat from that thought. And from that thought came the fear of her maddened father and his twisted experiments. "Th-Then I have you to thank for saving me from that unfortunate scenario." Her voice was barely above a whisper.

    The man softly nodded. "Elistraee told me that someone would be in danger tonight, I am glad that I found you first before them. Though I am still saddened that I could not save you and your familiar as well."

    "If it is okay, may I know your name? I'm Milelal." She introduced herself while holding out a hand.

    The man gave her a gentle nod then placed a hand over his heart and bowed his head to her, much like the elves back in Evermeet did. "It is a pleasure to meet you Milelal, my name is Xillion follower of the Dark Maiden."

   "Xillion. That's an interesting name." Milly smiled while taking her hand back.

    "Believe me, if I were to say my whole name, if would be quite the tongue twister. Even I have bitten my tongue a few times while saying it. Xillion is a much simpler version." He chuckled a bit.

    The two talked for a while until Milelal retired for a time. Her mind seemed more at ease now having spent time to know Xillion. Though she knew now that not all Drow were like him. He told her about Lolth and her way of things in the Drow pantheon. But he also explained about the Dark Maiden more, which helped her relax a bit more.

    As the years went by, Milelal and Xillion developed a friendship. As odd as the two might have appeared to others that caught sight of them, it was easy to see that Xillion was more for hard labor while Milelal did lighter tasks. The two co-existed while being in the same area even though they had separate living areas. Milly never got over the loss of her familiar as the pain still haunted her. And the fear of her father was never far from the front of her mind. But with Xillion around, sh could relax, even if it was just for a little bit.

    Then one morning while Milelal was tending to her Garden outside the cave, an odd fog started to roll in. It was thick, thicker than what her light spell could pierce. She lost sight of her garden, of the cave and was eventually stumbling through the mist until something knocked her unconscious. When she woke up, she was outside the Vistani Camp.

    And now that she's well aware that Vampires and Werewolves aren't the only things to stalk the night, Milelal seeks to find a way out of this nightmarish hell. And prays to the Seldarine that these Mists do not change her into something like her father.

[Raven Credale]

A journal entry:

   How long has it been since I've been in these misty lands? I can't quite tell anymore. Though it seems the events in Vallaki continued to be drab and depressing. A shame really but it is what it is I suppose. Humans are such odd creatures. They live short lives yet they seem to hold such massive grudges. No wonder some of the human mages lose their minds to power and become litches. They've no discipline. So eager to just become more powerful without questioning the source of that power....Ah well. It can't be helped. Curious by nature and all. In any case, I find myself without a meat shield more often than I should. How am I to get better if there is no one that will take the punches on adventures. My talents are beginning to rust and decay...It is rather sad.

[Raven Credale]

A journal entry:

I simply must remember how Father use to spawn in a pot of tea at will. I know the Garda would absolutely lose their minds over a sight if they witnessed such a thing. Floating tea ports pouring tea into cups, or a floating book while I pour my own cup of tea. They'd burn me at the stake for it no doubt. Ah well, suppose I'll have to save my Teamancer hijinxs for elsewhere or the basement of the inn. Well...once I remember how Father use to do it before he turned into a mad man. Thankfully I do not have to fear him here. As...odd as it may sound I am happy that I am no where near my father's reach. Where his bounty hunters can't find me. Hopefully they tell him that I'm dead or just kill him instead.

    I...still cannot believe he would go to such dark lengths...and to try and use me for his...experiments...his own daughter treated like cattle before the slaughterhouse... I'm very thankful I came to be in this realm. Even if it is a bit dejected at times and the Barovia s Xenophobic. It is a much better place than somewhere my father could find me. I just hope that the Lady of Dreams can forgive him of his sins when he goes to meet her...if the spider queen has not already claimed him.

[Raven Credale]

   How long have I been asleep...how long has it really been since I last saw the others? I...I miss them and now it seems that I am alone once more. I'm terrified now from all the new things that I have learned. A vampire that feeds on fey, a werecroc that's possibly still on the loose...I...I don't know if I have the strength or will to keep going on in this mad house realm. Why was I even misted here? What did I do aside from run from my lunatic father who wanted to....Force me into becoming some Monstrosity?! I...I don't know anymore...I don't feel confident in myself or in anything that I could ever hope to do. I feel...replaceable...diminished...something that now has no place anywhere in any realm. No home, no family, no friends. Nothing. Just a vast and empty void that doesn't seem to fill with anything but uncertainty.

    I spent...so long...so long away from others that they've probably forgotten me. But...maybe on the bright side...father has forgotten me too or has been killed for what he's done. I...I don't know anymore. All I seem to do now is just...agree to what others say and barely speak. But I know my words mean nothing, that my existence means nothing other than to be useful in the only thing I know. I...am just a tool for other people, no more no less. Just something to later cast aside when something better appears. A few tell me that I should give myself more credit but why should I? It doesn't matter what I say do or think. It never has. I could say something, but it'll just get overlooked. I could think something, and it's just a stupid idea. I...am only a means for others to be better...nothing special. Nothing extravagant. Just...a simple tool...

[Raven Credale]

   The last time I slept...the last time I had a dream...it was not good. I dreamt that I was back in my fathers shop in Evermeet. I could hear the screams coming from our basement. It was like I was just watching as my body moved on its own to the location, the screams getting louder with each step. Until I was at the door. It was cracked open a bit, a thin air of light shined from it, the sounds of someone screaming and thrashing around were evident more and the screams louder. But...mingled in with the screams...was my father humming. Humming as he worked on the people. Turning them no forcing them to become monsters. And I heard it, his words.

"Your progress will benefit my daughters perfection."

I took a step away from the door, because at that moment my father had turned and looked towards it. And the screams abruptly stopped. I heard him step closer to the door. His azure blue eyes looked through the crack into my Sapphire eyes and all I saw was insanity in his. His voice once kind and caring now full of sweet lies. His gaze pierced into me and I felt the air grow heavier as he opened the door. He would start to reach for me and before his hand reached my neck, I would wake up from the nightmare.


   It has...been a long time since I slept. A long time since I last had a good dream. This time...I dreamt of my Mother and what sort of person she might have been. I dreamt her as a woman with dark blue hair, and starlight eyes. I dreamt that she wore a fine blue gown with a Star Sapphire pendent with white gold caressing the gem. That her smile was kind and loving like a mother's should be. I dreamt of all things that might have been good. To relive my life with her instead of my father. But I know...that is not the reality I grew up with. That the sins of my father...are also on me. I did not stop them...I allowed them to go on...and a part of me wonders...will I to become like him now? Will I inevitably become like my own Mad Father?



   ...I can still him singing my name in the darkest parts of my mind...as of he is still searching for his lost experiment...

[Raven Credale]

The past couple days I've been keeping to myself. Out of sight and mind while I figure some personal matters out. I know lately that I have been to neutral with things. Closing myself off in different ways is an unhealthy thing. And really, I should be better than that. Emotions are something that are going to happen. It is just up to me if I allow them to take full control or not in situations. Moderation is key as Father once told me, before his madness. And I seemed to have forgotten that. I know that what I do on a day to day basis needs to come to an end. I cannot allow myself to simply stand around in the Outskirts and hope that someone needs a Warder to come along. Part of me wishes that I had taken up the art of the blade. To at least know of to defend myself. Part of me also wishes that I had gained some sort of summoning skill. Something that would benefit me so that I am not always alone. Perhaps a Slaad or some elemental. Maybe a Fire Tiger or two. But alas it seems I am meant to ward more than attempt to venture alone. I know I am comfortable with my skills, but I wish to know more. I must know more.

Standing around all day will not teach me what I must know. And feeding into the Ego of one such as them, though entertaining if not vexing as a whole, must be a second thing. I am not good yet, so I must get better. I must know more so that I can be better.

[Raven Credale]

I've recently come to find myself craving to tailor more things. Ever since last night after seeing the amount of Spider Glands someone threw to Petre...I'm reminded of the old crafting flame. I know it'll take time and much investment but...in the end. I'll have to pick up two trades so that I might know more. It is not training and it may be lonely...I doubt I will have any who would want to keep me company as I work, but I could be very wrong on that. In any case I really should practice tailoring more. Who knows, perhaps I'll find some new material to work with and make better things to design or wear. I might also start selling the clothes I make. Means I'll need to figure out a decent price range too...ah so much work...but it gives me something to do for now I guess. Other than tease a certain blue scale for fun that is. A decent source of conversation...can't quite get a real read on them though, so even with the Bravado of theirs I find them curious.


It does make me wonder though...maybe dad was on to something...but to blind to think outside his madness. I sort of what to see how this will turn out.


But I should know better than to do as that mad man did. There are better ways to study this. More humane ways of going about it. Evolution is something that can't be forced. But...I think I understand what happened when my father attempted to force it. Those monstrosities he created...It's hard to really find the proof of it. But perhaps my Father attempted to graft a dragons soul into an elf then force it awake. But it always resulted in failure. And I still do not know why he would say those failed experiments where going to lead to my perfection...I doubt it is true...I doubt it is even real, but....No. If I were of draconic blood it would have made itself known to me already. I'd have had dreams...but all I have are nightmares.

[Raven Credale]

[The page has been ripped out before being replaced with another entry]

I can feel it in my head...after all this time after all the chances it could have been killed by others much stronger...I can still feel it in my head. Like there's some sitting in my brain...a parasite...I can't allow myself to get overwhelmed by negative emotions...or else it's rotten claws will wrap around my neck...I need...To get it out.

I need to burn it out...Burn it out of my mind and rid myself of it's poison...

[In the cold winter night of Barovia, a high pitched scream can be heard on the wind. A faint smell of burnt flesh dances with the chill. The next addition to the entry has some splatters of blood on the page.]

This...feels familiar...as if I had done it before somewhere...visions of a burning home, Father reaching out to me as the flames consume him...my flesh burned from it as it is now...it hurts....it hurts so much. The cold chill of the winter rips through me but it makes the burn hurt more now...even my left eye is partially burnt closed now...heheh...it feels...normal...fitting...like I am meant to be this way...the duration lasted long too...the left side of my face and neck...burnt for the rest of my days...but it is still there...the pain will help...it has to help...I can't break like that again...I can't fall into that abyss just yet... Only a bit more...then I can be useful...just a little more...then I won't be so limited. I can be useful to others...needed...wanted...I won't care if it's just to ward others...I hate this solitude...I hate this parasite in my head...just a little more...then I can burn it out for good. I can be free of it...I can dream better dreams...I can hope again...I won't need to lie to myself or others like I have been...So this burn that I now wear...marks the rebirth of something I once let go of. Discarded by fear...just a little more...

[Raven Credale]

After I burned my face this morning...I had a dream. I dreamt of a raven with three red eyes under a Moonbow. It cawed at me before flying towards me. I raised my arms to cover myself but when I lowered them I was standing front of a mirror. I saw myself but not as I currently was. My eyes were pitch black, a twisted smile was etched into my face and dripping down from my eyes, mouth and nose was a necrotic black substance. The reflection canted her head suicidally to the left before her neck snapped. It hung there, black eyes locked onto me but I did not feel fear from this reflection. I felt comfort. Knowing that this...this was the true nature of my soul. Defiled, tainted and fully corrupt. I do not fear this reflection, I do not cast it aside as it wraps it's arms around me and consumes what I currently am. I hear it laugh for only a moment before the three eyed Raven appears again. It caws at me under the moonbow. This time after it flies at me, I am in a graveyard. The names of those I knew and know are carved i to the broken stones. Then I find my grave. I stand before it and look down to find it occupied by my corrupted reflection. She stares back at me and holds out her arms. Motioning me to join her in the grave. I start to fall forward as my eyes flutter shut. I openly welcome this corruption and then....I'm stopped.

I turn my head and look back over my shoulder. Gripping the back of my clothing is my younger self. Trying with all her might to keep me from falling in deeper than what I already have.

"You are not weak Milelal! You are more! Remember Xillion! Remember his words to you!" my child self had shouted at me. And as it it had been summoned on her command.

"You are more precious than any stone or gem in the entire world Milelal. Your magic, your tenacity, your will to survive and defy the man who was once your father. You are strong. Your are perfect. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not a mistake and there is no one, no one who would be disappointed in knowing you." the Drow said as he held my face gently in his hands. I could feel the burn fade away as I looked into his pale violet eyes. I felt that warmth again, where my stomach fluttered and threatened to leave my throat. I felt at ease.

The raven cawed again drawing my attention towards it as it sat under the moonbow. It's three eyes watched me for a long time before it shifted and changed horrendously into my twisted reflection.

"You know what you must do Milelal. Head under the mountain. Head to the Alhoon. End our nightmare!" the reflection shouted at me.

After that I woke, and wrote this dream down. I know what it is I must do. But I cannot do it alone. If I do...I shall be joining my reflection in that marked grave of mine.

[Raven Credale]

As she stood in her room in the Lady's Rest, Milelal looked into the mirror and softly placed the tips of her fingers to the burn she had.

"Another chance huh..." She softly spoke then looked to the torn out entry from the night before. Her eyes then moved to the recent entry about her dream. "I'm making all the wrong choices aren't I Xillion. Missing all the right ones too...because I'm so pessimistic and dense. What would you say if you saw me like this?"

"I'd say you're giving yourself to little credit again and getting into the beautiful mind of yours." Milly turned and sitting on the bed was the Drow she once knew before being misted. His silver white hair was pulled back into a low pony tail, locks of it framing his face. His pale violet eyes looked into her sapphire one before a gentle kind smile formed on his lips. "I was never to far from your dreams, was I? You always found comfort with me more than anyone else." he held out his arms and motioned her to come over. She walked over and sat beside him. Leaning into his embrace and relaxing more than she had in the past couple days. She took in his scent, a mixture of rosemary and mint. She always enjoy that smell. She remembered his warmth and the gentleness of his arms when they wrapped around her.

"Eilistraee grant it, I would have followed you even to here. You were very special to me Milelal. In more ways than you will ever know." he placed a gentle hand on her burn before he frowned some. "But this is just a dream. And I know it hurts you to see me after so long. But Milelal, I want you to remember one thing. One very important thing. Old loves may fade over time, but that love never truly goes away. Instead it grows and changes into a new love. So even if I am not here with you physically, I am here. And here always." he placed a finger to her forehead and then to her heart. "Do you understand?"

She looked into his eyes, searching them for anything that would make her doubt things. But like always there was nothing there to make her doubt. She gave him a nod and a soft smile. He returned the smile then sweetly kissed her forehead before laying her back on the bed and closed her eyes. "Good girl. I am always with you, my Nightingale, never forget that." his words echoed into her ear and for the first time in what had felt like forever, Milelal slept without any nightmares.

[Raven Credale]

You're stronger now...I feel it." Milly turned and looked over her left shoulder at her twisted reflection. It grinned more for a moment before it faded. "And you have found one that will aid you. Your memories never seem to fail you do they. You have something for any sort of situation. You're getting more bold too. More outspoken...Good good. You are not getting weaker."

"I gave myself this burn for a reason, I didn't expect you to take up residency and change it's color like you have. Almost telegraphing to others that I am not telling the whole truth." Milly idly comment as she let out a soft breath. She soon looked away from the twisted reflection and down at her hand. "One could assume that my father had experimented on me without my knowledge and you are a bi product of that. The incomplete results of his work."

"Irilam Fcilnyn did not create me. The Black Hawk could do nothing but fall into his own madness for something beyond his comprehension. But you, my little Black Raven, you are something more extraordinary. Something more raw and unrefined. And I am very compelled to observe how you will continue to grow. I will lend you my strength for when you need it most. For now, you must reforge yourself, rebuild what has been shattered in you from so long ago. Only then will I give back your knowledge of destruction."

Milly was quiet for a long time before she softly chuckled. "One cannot exist without the other. Nor can they be apart from each other. A body without a shadow is just a husk of who they really are. And you...you no doubt know my True Name. A thing that holds the most power over any living creature."

"True Names are what we use in spells. It is not just made up words, you know this. And yes your True Name is known to me as it should be. I am you after all. But I am you with all the pain, guilt, and sorrow. The you that did not make it to being a 'Dragoness'." the reflection snickered.

Milly rolled her eyes a bit before she grabbed her burnt cheek. "I'm going now, so you can crawl back into whatever dark crevice you came from. I was looking to have another dream with Xillion this time."

"Do not cling to the past Milelal, it will bring you nothing but pain in the end. It is time to let Xillion go and move on." the reflection spoke before fading away.

[Raven Credale]

It's finally out. I can have my mind back but the price to pay to get the creature out was a high one to pay. But...it is good to not have that thing in my head anymore, it was clouding my mind and judgment. Making it hard to decent what was truth and what were lies to make me isolate myself from others. I am glad it is finally out. I can start to refocus, regroup my thoughts and hopefully learn the spells i am meant to know. I can feel confident in myself again. I can feel the weave coursing through my body even now in a more dominant way.

The nickname "Dragoness" that was given to me...I don't know if it a good fit but in time, perhaps I will make a nickname for myself? But I may just keep what I have now then make a list of what others will call me. I am stronger than I was when I first came to the Mists. I will not hold myself back anymore, I am me and that is all I should ever aim to be."

[Raven Credale]

A picture of a blue, black and gold Phoenix is sketched into the journal, under it is the following.

Something that I have spent some time to dwell on. My family's last name is Fcilnyn. Translated to Common means Black. And ironically members from my father's side were named after Birds. My father, Irilam, is Hawk. Milelal, means Raven. Even out family crest is a bird. Though not just any bird. A phoenix, a bit funny that when I gave myself this burn I had that thought in my mind. To burn away my weak self and be reborn. I never thought it would become a foreshadowing to the event that came next. Getting caught in the firestorm, killing the parasite in my head, it...perhaps I am something like the Phoenix? That or I am lucky to have people who would not leave me for dead.

  But I feel it sometime too. The desire to burn it all down so that it can start anew. However, I'm more aware of my emotions and feelings now too. When I am mad, I can cast evocation spell. When I'm happy I can caste haste. When I feel protective I can cast wards. But there's something else. Something there...the fury. The rage ..evocation spells can't touch it...not yet at lest. But I feel something attached to it. Something...dark. I'm not sure what it is or what it might be. But it's there waiting. Perhaps in time I'll learn what it is, and if it is something I should be very mindful of. Last things I want is my rage to manifest itself into a Balor.

That....may be a very hard thing to explain to some down the road...

[Raven Credale]

Lately I've been having odd dreams. I see my home ablaze,y father dead under debris and a woman standing over him. She has wings and claws, but still looks relatively human like. Perhaps one of my father's experiments that surpassed him and kept their morality and humanity. I see the glint of gold on their wings from the fire, and my heart starts to race. The woman seemed to notice me and turns to look my way. And then I see it. Sapphire eyes with prominent gold flecks in them. A burn on the left side of her face that looked like it had been tended to professionally. She looked towards me and smiled before she placed a claw to her lips.

"There is more than just one fate for you. Mine is of the blood. Yours is what you choose to make it. Decide what you want little Nightingale, decide your path and keep to it. The blood does flow through you, like it flowed through our mother. But you can pass it on to your child. Your steps, do not have to match mine. My tale...ends in infernos of ice. Yours...yours is still being written."

That is what the woman said before ice began to consume the flames and everything around it. I wake up in confusion over these dreams. I'm not sure what they mean or why. I can't say I really believe them. But...the weave is a very strange thing. I don't hear anything calling to me. I've never had dreams of flying either. Perhaps my time in the mist is driving me insane...perhaps I am spending to much time with those of dragons blood? I don't know. I can't really tell what the cause is. Perhaps it is best i try and forget these things and focus on perfecting my arcane skills.

[Raven Credale]

Milelal, do you know why a Phoenix is apart of our family crest?"

"No, why father?"

"The Phoenix symbolizes eternity, beauty and destruction. Beauty because of how radiant it is when ablaze or settled, eternity because it persists after dying. Being reborn from it's ashes. And destruction because despite it's appearance and extravagant grace, the Phoenix can take everything away in waves of fire. It's rage is not something to take lightly."

"So...what does that mean for our family?"

"What it means, Pretty Bird, is that despite our appearance and despite what we can do. We each have the phoenixes fire burning inside of us. Each member of the Fcilnyn bloodline descends from the first to receive a gift from the mighty bird of flames. We do not fall easily, and when we pick ourselves up from the ashes of something, we are stronger than before. We are reborn to face new challenges."

"But...how do I know this fire burns in me? I can't feel it father."

"I can. It's in your eyes. I can see the spark of the Phoenix resting in you. Much like it rests in me. One day, we'll see how far that flame will aid you. And who knows...maybe one day you'll become a graceful and dangerous Phoenix yourself, Pretty Bird. I do fear for any man that would try and tame your fire as well."

It's been a long time since I thought of that conversation with my father. I was a child back then...so young and sweet. Back when the summer days passed at a turtles pace. It's funny...the more I remember that conversation with him...the more it makes sense to me. Dragons blood is not in me...something more destructive and beautiful is.

[Raven Credale]

How I hate things. Things as they are now. How they once were. How I wish to see it all burn to ashes beneath my feet in this place. How I wish to see their bones crumble to ash and watch the scales char in the rage filled flames. I hate it. I hate them. I hate it all. Yet...what can I do? I am but one firestorm in a sea of hurricanes. One flame against a tempest and rising tides. Drowning in unexpressed anger. I feel the flames ebb off the palm of my hand and smolder the ground while I walk. I feel the desire to burn everything down around me in twisted enjoyment. Yet...I never do. I bottle it. I let it sit and fester. I do nothing but let the flames eat away at me so that I might attempt to keep others away from it. Belittling myself so that I do not unleash the storm boiling inside, demanding to be let out and char the bodies to dust.

Rage, hate, anger...all of it is so easy to tap into when a person once called a friend, fails to prove if that statement is even true anymore. So why should I care? Why should I bother if it is just going to be a one sided thing? Why waist my time when there is nothing to gain.

So I am just going to stay here in Midway Haven. Reside in the tower and keep to myself and refuse to be treated like a charity case again by that "other" phoenix blood. Perhaps when the fire storm in my soul has calmed I'll show myself again. Til then, I will let it fester and boil til it cannot boil anymore. They've only given me reason to avoid them and to stay, rather than trust them. Corin and Marcelia...I should have never allowed myself to know you.

[Raven Credale]

  I'm surprised that it did not take longer for my rage to settle. You would think the inferno of rage I felt would have lasted much longer than a few days. But I suppose the solitude has been what I needed to sort out things. Mist Camps holds nothing for me to remain there, so I will not linger in that dreadful sink hole ever again. No, I am more content being away from the trash that resides there, for I know they will never walk to Vallaki without a solid reason to do so. But now I can turn this festering rage in me towards something more productive than spawning infernos and fire storms in a vacant area or cave. I've even learned that my flames burn a brilliant blue. Would explain my dreams of blue fire. Maybe I was meant to lose it all and let the flames consume me when there would be none to drag my remains from the fire. Fitting really. Alone and with a fire that is unlike what should be normal. Perhaps I am not of an ordinary Pheonix blood line. Perhaps my blood line is something darker than that. And if that is indeed the case, then I welcome these blue flames of mine. I have no reason to turn them away, and there is none to change my mind on them either. Dreams of fire and ash, of screams and pleas for mercy...How I relish the thoughts of hearing them play out in reality. Fractured? Perhaps that is what I've become. Broken? Why, I've cracked to far not even gold can fix me now. If it could, I'd be beautiful but still so utterly broken. Fire and ash, ash and fire, screams and cries of people....that will mend me. That will mend it all. They're not worth keeping. They're not worth knowing. All of them deserve to burn in beautiful Blue Fire~! But I can't let them see, can't let them know, No, no. They don't need to know. Not yet. Not now. Later, much much later though. They'll know then. But not now.

[Raven Credale]

I can't recall what I was engaged about now. Or who it was towards. Perhaps they meant little to me deep down that I can forget them so easily. Either way, it is good to not feel the rage now. The thoughts of brilliant blue flames consuming things has dwindled down, so I may focus on something else. Some like what my father has once attempted to do. It is fascinating to read through, to see the train of thought he was on. And to think, he wanted to make me more beautiful than I already am. To bad I do not have what he was seeking, but the rest of his notes are enchanted. To think fire was the key to finding these hidden notes. Well now I've something to study and delve into. I wonder if there is something in the Berez Labs that can shed a bit more on what my father was thinking. I'll need to find a good meat puppet for the venture. One that's willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I am safe. A good puppet at my side all the time will make things go smoother...and I'll see things butchered and scream in pain~ I need to see it, to hear it~ I want to see the lights in their eyes fade as death slowly steals their final breaths~.

[Raven Credale]

The calmness I feel when around them, it is...soothing. More so that the raging tempest that dwells in my soul. Around them I do not feel like I need to fight to be heard. I feel treasured almost ... It feels genuine but part of me doesn't want to fully trust this feeling. Part of me wants to doubt that this one will stay. That like all the rest, they will discard me for something else once they've lost interest in me. I feel as if I am at odds with myself when it comes to them. Do I trust and hope it lasts, or will these seeds of doubt win a battle I quietly face? It would not surprise me, lately I have come to know shallow hatred. One who judges others based on their looks or what has happened in the past, one who is unable to see the present or what lays under the surface of a person...that sort of person I would enjoy setting them ablaze. So that they might understand the pain of what another might have faced. So that they can scream like the one they judged has. It would bring me nothing but great pleasure to see this one burn and scream as a means of learning~

But why stopped myself so low a level for just one who is stuck in the past and damnit g themselves into solitude. Being a zealot in these lands is what gets you killed faster, or worse, become the thing your own people hunt to the death. Sooner or later, they will see that their way of thinking is flawed and incorrect if they want to keep living in the Mists. Sooner or Later, someone will extinguish their flame as they'll have had enough of their Zealotry nonsense. I hope they burn on a pyre for such things~

[Raven Credale]

He spoke that name again, , I keep telling him it doesn't ring a bell of any sorts. If I knew some blue lizard I would have remembered that. But there's nothing to the name or description. It's just blank to me. He said we were close but if that was true then wouldn't I remember being friends with some blue lizard? I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. Whoever that person was they probably don't deserve to be friends with me. They're probably some toxic person just like my father was and if that is indeed the case...Then I would enjoy seeing them burn alive in my marvelous flames. I'd love nothing more than to see their bones and scales crumble to ash, and to see the hatred in their eyes when they look at me. A small petit elf, who took their life and destroyed their soul. How grand it would be to witness that~

But, I know my strength, I know what I am good for. So I need to remind myself that I can accomplish more when there is someone to guard me. I am not fighter, I am a caster. So I aid others to  preserve my own life. That is far better than allowing the flames to consume everything. Myself included.

[Raven Credale]

  It feels odd being this far East again. Part of me hates it, but there is a part of me that knows I couldn't stay in Vallaki for much longer. As nice as it was to be elsewhere. I still need to get better at honing my arcane skills. He was right that there wasn't much I could learn from around Vallaki, perhaps the Ghoul House, but that would have been it really. And I would have hated to constantly traverse that place over and over again just to learn something. But...it is tough regardless. I am but one person and one person alone can't do much. You can't survive the Mists if you don't make allies or friends. And lately I've found that list of mine to be small. I want to do more, see more. But I've not the shield or Guard to do so. A pity that I was not born to be a fighter as well as a Caster. But I suppose it is what it is. Fate can be such a cruel joke sometimes. And the fire burning within my soul demands to be sated. I can kill somethings with Fireballs, but only if they're slower than myself or if I have the element of surprise. But those things...I do not learn much from, so it is not rewarding, or it doesn't feel rewarding. It feels hollow in a way... I don't like the feeling of being Hollow...it leaves to much room for the fire to grow massive and chaotic.

    So, I am to wait. Wait and linger til I can traverse with one who can be a shield for me. I must wait on others if I wish to get any better with things. Yet...I despise the Mist Camps still. Lingering there only serves to prove an irritant. And the Hive Minded madness of consistently going to delve into dungeon after dungeon...I don't quite fancy that either. But that is what I am left with, I guess. Wait and then wait some more. How irritating this is...

[Raven Credale]

 It is strange, as I sit beside the pool in the Mist Camp, next the the statue on the other side; I find my thoughts drifting to the one who has been a great help to me lately. The one who has been a sort of mentor, though perhaps it is more? Regardless, I wonder about them. Of how they are fairing being away from me. I wonder if this nagging feeling in my gut is a sign for something ominous. I do not know, I cannot be sure what or why this feeling is here. Perhaps...perhaps I am on a path that is leading to another person I care for being stolen from me. Perhaps...that is a theme of my life. To love another, yet unable to really have them. What an ironic twisted fate that is. To love yet never be loved. Such a dark fate...dark enough to drive one mad if they let it. But this...until I know for sure...I won't believe that they would abandon me. Not after all that they have helped me get through and learned.

The following has been added:

My fault....it's all my fault....had I been around....I could have....he would still be here.... I'm left with nothing all over again...no...no don't put me back in that Darkness...dont throw me away again...come back...come back....I'm sorry.... I'm sorry...don't leave me alone...not again....I'm sorry...I'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorryI'm sorry.

[Raven Credale]

After what seems like endless pages of apologies, the words cease. Tear stains litter the pages and the edges appear a bit burned now. A few pages remain blank before a new entry is found.

    He wouldn't want to see me like this...so weak and helpless. So wracked with uncontrolled emotions. What did he teach me...he taught me to have confidence in my skills, in my arcane abilities. He taught me to be comfortable in my own skin no matter what and that my fire shouldn't be diminished so easily. He's not dead. There's no body to prove this. So if he's not dead...then he's trapped. Somewhere.

And if no one else is going to bother looking for him, then I will. I am going to get my Dragon Knight back. Even if it kills me and I have to do it alone.