This page and the following one are slightly darkened by the effect of the smoke, the writing interrupts suddenly in the middle of a sentence and then it’s resumed as if it was written in two separate moments and not in one single session, as it was the case with the previous chapters.As it happened with Lloyd, as I’m writing this entry, Vaeldian has been absent recently too. I think I know why, and I hope to have him back soon.
I remember meeting him as “Acolyte Melthar”, it was during the atonement of my
sins, after my first confession. That night watching the walls of Raduta is still fresh and vivid in my memory.
He is a warden now, and he has overseen most of my training, But that is not the reason he is so important to me. He
saved my life, not from the Legion but from my own sword. Since it was he the one who gave an answer to my impossible choice, saving me from
suicide.
When I was broken, sinked in darkness and lost, he took me to the crypts below the Refuge, and showed me the tombs of the Templars, and right there, he told me that was expected of me, why my path was important, and what it meant to be an
Anchorite. His words got seared into my mind.
Now, when I’m about to perform a shameful or questionable action, I remember his words.When I feel lost, I remember his words. When I’m about to break, I remember his words. When I get tempted by sin, I remember his words.
He helped me improve so much, not only as an
Ezrite, but as a person.
When we returned from Borca, I remember I was asking all the wardens for advice on my Trial. Perhaps my talk with warden Laydon was the most important regarding my path, and my decision on the matter of delaying my Trial. But what Vaeldian told me when I asked him, has been what had more influence in me, what is truly helping me improve.
He asked me a simple question: “What are you good at?”
I was not capable of answering it back then. Not a single thing came to mind. That made me realize how big my problem was. And looking for the answers to that question helped me both improve and regain confidence in myself.
Now he is worried because he made a mistake. Or what he thinks is a mistake. Because an acolyte got endangered, and suffered, when he was in charge. I can understand why he feels guilty, I felt that guilt too, when Ranata died because I made a bad decision.
And this helped me see how it looks from the outside. It sounds even silly to me. If only he knew how I feel when I’m by his side. When I’m with him, I feel
safe. His presence makes me feel like everything is going to be alright, no matter what we are facing. Only two people make me feel this way. The other one is Rannish, I will write about him in a future chapter.
I hope to see him soon again. My life is now like a coin turning in the air, two incompatible sides, two different paths. On one side, a path of
light, that will lead to my own salvation and the salvation of many others, but that will demand from me a life of misery. And on the other side a path of
darkness, the road to damnation, a road of
sin, a life that I will enjoy in some ways, but that will lead to the loss of my family and to eternal torment. I’m now praying for the coin to land on its edge. I may need his counsel again.