[The paper seems to have been written on in fits and starts, a flow of ideas written over time. Nothing crossed out, only added to. It continues on and on, a ceaseless flow of consciousness. The below is a fragment of the rambling.]
Danya...
I’ve been thinking, Danya, about what everyone has been telling me. That I’m your slave, that you’re using me, that I made all the wrong choices...
I know that’s not true. Danya I love you, and I know you love me back.
It doesn’t matter.
It wouldn’t matter, I mean.
If I was your slave. Because I know you love me, so having to obey you wouldn’t change anything. I would obey you in everything already.
I do, I mean.
I mean, it’s hard sometimes... And I get worried I’m not doing as well as I could. Like I’m dragging you down or making you look bad.
I’m trying so hard for you, Danya.
I know I didn’t do well in front of those two, when I was supposed to be pleading my case. I probably made you look bad. I’m sorry.
It was easier, before. I told you it was easier, remember? When you could look at me and my mind would go blank and I would only know, only understand serving you. I liked that. I want that again, Danya. Why can’t that be forever? It’s so hard, like this...
I don’t like thinking so much. I love you, Danya.
You love me too, I know you do, of course you do. I shouldn’t doubt. People are just trying to fill my head with lies.
I think I want to cry, Danya. Only... Only it doesn’t really feel like that. My emotions feel so strange now. I feel like I should be crying. Like there’s some part of me that wants desperately to weep, to sob brokenly at your feet and beg the world to make sense again.
But that’s only a part. The rest is... it’s so cold. Cold like your touch now. Cold like mine now. It feels wrong and right and so different than it did before.
Maybe they are right, Danya. Maybe we’re both fakes. Not really ourselves, anymore. But that’s fine. If we’re fakes, then it doesn’t matter that the old Mirabel was never held by her Danya. I am. I’m here, new Mirabel with new Danya. I’m yours, Danya. Please be mine.
Be mine forever. No one else’s. No one else is worthy of you. Just me. No one stood by you like me. No one loves you like I do. They’re all liars, Danya. Every last one of them. I won’t let them touch you, won’t let anyone come near you to hurt you ever again.
...You do love me, don’t you Danya? I mean, of course you do.
Of course you love me. You’ve said it so many times.
...It would be fine if you didn’t, I think. It would hurt me. It would hurt so bad, but nothing really hurts, not anymore. Too cold to hurt. You don’t have to love me, Danya. Please just let me near you. Please, please, please, please...
...I think I know how this ends, Danya. I’m sorry. I think I do. I don’t want it to be this way. I want it to be like you promised, you and me forever and ever. But I think I’m going to die.
I was trying to die, I think. Back when I was alive. There was this time...
It was right before I left for a couple weeks, remember? I had gotten the letter from home, about my Mom...
...It’s funny, now. It doesn’t feel like it did then. It’s like I don’t even care. The only thing that matters is you.
...There was fighting, at the Gaping Wound. You know, brawling. Jane gave me a lot of Rum, on the house, I was pretty drunk.
I miss Rum. Being drunk felt nice.
And I got paired off into the brawling. I lost, Danya. Got crushed by Outlanders. The last fight, I remember I was so frustrated, and angry...
It was against Irach. I was gonna play it cool, fight it out all slow like. But the crowd started saying stuff, and my temper got the best of me. I threw all I had at him. I lost, Danya. I lost so badly.
I nearly died, then. Pushed myself too hard. Got up off the floor and fell back down and it felt like it was the end. But not quite. I didn’t die there. I didn’t, because I’m meant to be with you. I’m meant to die for you, Danya. Please, let me die for you, let me save someone, please.
I guess what I’m saying, Danya, is that I understand what Lavinia did. Dying seems like the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it once, I guess. When I became this.
Only I’m not sure if that counts, Danya. If we’re new Danya and new Mirabel, I mean.
It’s funny though.
Everyone talks to you like you’re fake, but they talk to me like I’m still me. They still call me Mirabel. Or Taltos sometimes, like Giles did when he was insulting me. I loved you even more when you stood up for me, Danya. You told them. You told them you loved me.
...I wonder, sometimes. If Lavinia would understand. She didn’t take it well, you being like you are. I guess she wouldn’t have taken it well for me, either.
I loved her like a sister, Danya. I think I did. It’s so cold, now. Like for my mom. It hurt so much, Danya. Did it hurt for you, what Lavinia did?
Ah...
It feels colder than usual, right now, Danya. I wish I could be by your side always. It doesn’t feel cold then. It feels right.
I wish...
I wish I could always be there for you. Even if this ends like I fear it will. Can’t it be like that, Danya? Can’t we be together always, in this life or the next? Can I promise that? Can you?
I swear it, Danya. An oath, or a curse. I’ll be with you, no matter what. If I die, I’ll be with you. My spirit, with yours. I pledge myself to you forever, Danya. For eternity. If you die, I’ll follow you then, too. Wherever you go, Danya. I’ll be there, loyal. Yours.
...I want to believe that will happen. Like in a story. If it’s a story and someone says that, you know it’s gonna come true.
I like when you tell me stories, Danya.
