A series of identical letters are hand distributed to their intended recipients. One is addressed to the Kinship. One is addressed to Alin, to Kerdic, to Zanven, to Rendrelys (in elven), to Sythaeryn (in elven), to Cat. It is possible a few are lost to the wind where strangers might pick them up. Some places, the text is thicker, suggesting the quill was pressed particularly hard into the parchment.
((anyone who wishes to reply with IC responses is welcome to do so)) To my friends,
I am starting this letter many days before my death, and when you read this, I will be gone. It is important to me that I do not leave even a single thing out. To say everything I desire for you to know, and more, before it is too late. I will do my best to be articulate, and chronological.
My name is Elisina Starbreeze. I was born in Har-Thelen, Sithicus. Some people call me a half-elf, or half-human. My father is Terevalis Starbreeze, and my mother…. Well, I do not know her name. My existence is a result of a drunken dalliance. He had travelled to Kartakass for purposes of trade, and only spent one night with my mother. He paid for her company, and her discretion. Not long before I was born, she travelled to Sithicus to beg him to do right by me. She knew he had two other children, and that his wife was deceased. She also had no coin, and could not support a child alone.
He said he would give her a sum of coin if it meant to never see either of us again. She readily agreed and stated her fortune would be doubled even more so when she sold me to traders on the road. Unfortunately, she gave birth that very evening… and did not survive. This is how my father and his family became saddled with me. The half-breed burden. I only discovered any of this of course, by snooping in his journals. I never told him that I knew. I did not need him to tell me I was a burden. I was well aware of this in the different ways I was raised from my brothers.
The early years were quite bleak. I grew up in darkness. Shadow. Here in Barovia, the trees are tall and majestic. They let the light in, like beautiful magic pillars and streaks of sunshine. In Sithicus, the trees are dark and brooding. They suffocate life, and everything it stands for. The night is even darker. It is thick, and chokes the life out of everything like a heavy fog.
I used to dream of someday seeing a beautiful moon in the sky, like I had heard about in stories. Sometimes I thought I could see one or two stars. I treasured their twinkling in my heart, like tiny droplets of light left by Ezra just for me. I would watch them through my window from my blanket on the floor until my eyelids were too heavy. I would dream until I was called to awaken and begin the day.
My family. They never called me by my name. The Girl, they called me. It was only in the journals that I found my name. I was never told precisely why my name was not spoken, but I do know this. I once found a kitten in the streets, starving and frail. I begged and pleaded with my father to let me keep it as my own. I swore to him on my own life, she would be no burden to anyone but myself. He seemed to be considering it.
I told him I would name the mongrel, Starlight. For the light she held in her eyes. No sooner were the words spoken, he plucked my companion from my arms and crushed her under his boot. He stated we do not name living creatures who will not survive long enough to be of consequence to the world. I have never forgotten this.
My two older brothers tried to understand me. They even convinced my father to allow me to study with them under their tutor. It was in this that I learned several languages. Balok, Mordentish, Vaasi, and of course, my native tongue, Sithican. They resented me for how much faster I absorbed the material then they. It was not long before it became too much for them to see me grow and change so quickly. Too curious they said. Too impulsive. Too quick to speak.
They treated me like an impaired child, too slow and idiotic to understand how the world worked. No one would ever truly care for me they said. If I did manage to find love, it could only end in heartbreak. In loss. I would watch those I love perish before my eyes, or I would force them to do the same. It was the way for those like me. I withdrew from them to find comfort in solitude…. And they allowed me.
I was very young when the illness began. Maybe a decade into my span of existence. A blink of an eye for my family. They said I was delicate because I was tainted with human blood. All I know is that I have always gone through periods of being unwell. Extreme exhaustion, coughing of blood, incoherency even at times. But it always passes. I suppose now that I am leaving, it does not matter. I tried very hard to be in the way as little as possible. Afternoons were for study. Mornings and evenings were my own. I made the most of them, leaving home as often as I possibly could.
I spent a great deal of time navigating dense woods and foliage near my home. On the ground the forest floor was damp, and stank of rot. Mottled ivy and grey ferns overtook every point you could step on. I tried to avoid rodents and insects that scurried about when they were disturbed but it was near impossible. Especially the mice. Ezra, the mice. I spent nearly all of my time in desperate search for beautiful trees.
I dreamed of finding the perfect tree. Alive, and green, not like the blackened, slick, bark that adorned everything else around me. When I found this perfect tree, I would climb to the top. I would climb to where the air was clear, and the view uninhibited. I thought if I could climb high enough, I would find hope. If I found hope, maybe I would not be so weak. So sickly. Maybe my family would not see death when they gazed upon me.
I read about hope in a book once. A beautiful maiden was locked in a dark tower, with no chance of rescue. Day in and day out, she paced in her stone prison, praying to Ezra that a shining knight would brave the horrors that trapped her within. That somehow she would have a chance at a different life. This was her hope. I never found out if she was rescued.
That half of the book was covered in mold, like most of the books in Sithicus. Like most of Sithicus at all. Just wasting away. The city streets run down into untended rivets, and the castles of nobility are crumbling away…. They have given up. They are like the beautiful maiden, except…. They have stopped pacing. Their monster is the darkness that permeates their existence. They are lost in stasis, a world lonely and forgotten. I tire of pacing the darkness. I digress…. My family.
I knew their patience with me, Elven as it was, was wearing thin. The day I was asked to leave began like any other. I rose. I dressed. I prepared a piece of toast, and made my way to depart for the trees, so as not to be underfoot. They stopped me and asked me to attend the daily family meeting. I had never been invited before. Clearly something was amiss. That is when he told me. That he needed me to go on a long journey, and it would be very difficult. I may not even survive. But if I succeeded in the mission he sent me on, I would be welcomed back home with the same rights, privileges, and affections that my brothers enjoyed. I was overcome with emotion. This moment, this had to be what hope felt like. My hard work had finally paid off. I demanded he tell me what I was to do.
I was to journey to Kartakass, find my mother, and return there with her. So that we could be a family once more. In the midst of his words, I felt what once was intense joy, cool and harden into a lump of iron in the bottom of my stomach. He was sending me on an impossible journey. I did not tell him that I knew. I do not think it would have helped, or made it any easier for any of us. I simply packed my few belongings, and departed. It was what they clearly desired, and so I granted their wish of me.
I was a full day into my journey before it became apparent I had no map, or even a compass. It was a terrifying realization. To be completely alone, with no direction or destination. How foolish and ignorant I felt. I conserved what little bread I had with me. I would wait until I could not take another step… then take one more bite. One sip of clean water. That is how I found myself in the lands of Barovia. I stumbled into Vallaki on accident. I found rotting food behind the Broken Bell that they had thrown out. I saved that too.
I found the tradehouse. They offered me a job, and they did not ask about my heritage. I took the highest paying one they offered. To travel to a town not far into the mountains, in Krofburg. I fainted in the snow three times the first time I made the journey. I was certain that would be my end. Cold and alone. But I got stronger, and then I did it again. And again. And again. Soon, I was able to eat toast every day. Eventually I made enough fangs to even set aside a small amount in the bank. Through all of this, I remembered to be discreet in my dealings. The world is not kind to half-breeds, and I did not wish to draw attention to my shortcomings.
Somewhere along the way, I got a little more brave. I let myself draw closer to those living around me. One day, within the Temple of the Morninglord, I saw an elf. She was tall, confident, and beautiful. She was everything I am not. I followed her and her companion into the depths of the crypts. I assumed they would ignore me. Everyone else did. But they did not. The lady, said her name was Hycathra. Cat, her friends called her. I thought she was a saint. She made me feel important, and special. She never called my ideas strange, or stupid. She never tried to make me be anyone but who I was.
I never could understand what she saw in me. She called me her daughter. This must be what it is like having a mother. Before, I could only imagine. I love you Mother. More than anyone else in this forsaken world. Please forgive me for leaving. Please forgive my weakness. I wanted so much to be as brave and fierce as you from the moment I met you. I forgive you also. I forgive the enormous wrong you committed in my final days. I know you were just trying to protect me.
Ander. He was my dearest friend. I know he was broken inside. Maybe that’s why I cared so much. We were both broken, and flawed, and had made foolish decisions. I hope the people he wronged will find it in their hearts to forgive him. The faith he had in me, when there was no reason to, will always make him a bright light in my memory. Even though I knew I would feel loss in my life, I feel the sting of his absence in my every waking moment. I go to the trees, where I scattered his ashes, and I speak to him. He never speaks back. I speak anyways, hoping for a whisper. I hope I can remember him, in the next life. Maybe he will find me there. I forgive Cat for letting him die. It is what he would want me to do. I only hope she forgives me.
Alin, thankyou for listening to me in my final days. Thankyou for being a neutral voice, and letting me speak my mind, even though we rarely agreed. You once thought to call me your student. I know I failed dismally at that. I’m sorry I never got the chance to hear your story. I am certain it was a good one. Please use the donation I gave you in a way that I never could. I trust you with my savings. I trust you to do good and show kindness with it.
Kerdic, we have not known each other long, but you are my friend. You did not hesitate to listen to every word I needed to speak. The Morninglord put us in each other's paths. I believe it. Please remain good and kind. Thankyou for helping me.
Rendrelys. We’ve only known each other a short time, I know. But when I am with you, I imagine a different life. I imagine your family was my own, or perhaps you were my best friend as a child. I deeply regret all the time that we will miss. You have a kindness in you that I did not know was possible in those of the People. Please never let your light go out. Please do not forget me. Please Remember me. Speak well of me. Please let me live in your memory.
Sythaeryn. When you spoke of your home, you gave me the memory of a dream. A place so beautiful and holy, it could not possibly exist. But when I look at your face when you speak of it, I know it must be true and real, because it’s purity radiates from your eyes. Thankyou for your kindness, and for listening. Please take care of Ren. That is all I ask of you, now and always. Please take care of her.
Zanven. I have saved you for last. I do not know where to begin. Our journey together has been a wisp of smoke in time, but you have been by my side from the very first moment we met. I couldn’t understand why, even when Mother told me. Even when I was oblivious, you gave me everything. In another life, I would imagine a different future for us. I imagine that we get to enjoy every single moment together, and that we are very old, and we depart together. Life is cruel, and you deserve to be happy. That is all I desire for you.
I know none of you fully understand why I must make this decision for myself. I’m not sure I do completely either, if I am being honest. I feel a weight about my soul. A darkness pressing in. I do not wish to fight it anymore. For the first time in my life, I will choose my own path. Maybe I will see you all on the other side.
Please let me rest with the beautiful trees. Please plant violets with my ashes.
Zanven. I love you too.
- Ellie
P.S. I am putting these letters away for someday far away. I have decided I want to try life.
