Author Topic: Journal of a slave.  (Read 510 times)

Destinysdesire

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Journal of a slave.
« on: December 22, 2018, 10:54:47 AM »
It was advised once that I start writing my past to try and overcome it, then the present to view my own progress as I grow. Thus I am starting this now to try and do so. I don't know if it will have the desired effect, but at this time I am willing to try anything to put the past behind me and actually start living my life.
 
I was born in the city of Tyraturos, which is the capital of the tharch of Tyraturos. It is the hub of the slave trade and merchanting. Both of my parents were slaves and I would never meet them. I was whisked away as a newborn to be sold on the market as newborn elven slaves held a great market as nothing about them had been set in stone and were unmarred. I was quickly auctioned off to a Red Wizard from Thaymount by the name of Bezephaal Zorlus and taken from Tyraturos to live up in Thaymount.

During my first decade of life, I was taught to read, write and how to perform simple and mindless task, cleaning and polishing things. After the decade had passed though, I learned just how cruel of a man he could be, and his son Ondrik Zorlus as well. An upcoming mage, he was often permitted to practice non lethal spells on me, often leaving me in a bloody and battered heap before a cleric would come in, heal me and the process would start again. Other days I would find Master Bezephaal drunk and in a blind rage, and as fond as the whip as he was, he often found reasons to use it, if he even decided he needed a reason to.

The man was a monster, and if I could have hid from him at any time, I did or tried to. He had extreemly high expectations of a learning curve for slaves that was entirely unrealistic and often lead to slaves being tortured or lashed for hours on end. You were expected to learn and master his demands the very first time ever seeing or learning of it. Failure was painful and did not help with learning to know he was waiting for you to fail in any form. I believe the term best used for him is sadistic. The only time healing was ever applied to those beatings, is if his brutality got out of hand to endanger the life of his property, which healing would be enough to preserve life and possible stop the bleeding, prevent infections and so on. Other then that you were left in pain and told to get back to your work.

I remained his slave for fourty years before the man finally perished in his sleep. His son Ondrik immediately took ownership of me as the firstborn son and rightful heir to the family estate, and honestly things only got worse. He was drunk on his newfound power. He wanted more, more slaves, more power, more money. I can easily remember being forced to bed several of the female elven slaves till they were pregnant, regardless if they desired such from me or not, I was expected to complete the task. Though I would never be permitted to see them again once they were expecting, they were either kept for future slaves, or sold off as I was to increase his fortune. I never really asked as it wasnt permitted for me to think I had a right to even approach him on such. I was property after all, property has no rights.

Religion was outright banned. Even having a book of any religion was a punishable offense as slaves were not entitled to have their own religion or worship, slaves worshipped their Master, nothing more, nothing less. Ondrik was just as fond of the whip, and the drink as his father, the only difference was his disfavor of me. I don't know what it was about me he seemed to detest so strongly, but when he was drinking, he came hunting me. I can easily remember many of the savage beatings from him, not always with the whip, sometimes magic, sometimes crude instruments that he would grab, one of his favorites was having other slaves pin me down while he sometimes magically, sometimes physically carved into my skin, different markings, brandings, tattoos. Other times he would lock me in a dark pit of the house in his drunken state and forget about me for days on end. Then proceed to punish me when he did remember me for not doing my chores.

He eventually wound up with his own son, Inalchin. He also showed great promise in the magical studies. Though much of his magical studies was darker. Focusing more in Necromantic magics and the Netherese and their old ambitions. He often used me for sadistic experiments that would leave me barely clinging to life, in absolute agony and unable to move. Like his father he had a distaste for me, I am unsure if it was due to my elven heritage or something I had said or did that made them hate me, but there was no hiding from their wrath. I was ninety when his father finally died.

Inalchin like his father claimed me as his property, as well as the rest of the household. More days then I could count, I would not be fed. Unless he ordered me to be fed no food would be given and no mercy shown. I quickly lost weight and a lot of my strength with it. He seemed to enjoy watching me in this fragile state and often taunted me. Ordering me to stand in the dining hall while he would eat. Putting me on kitchen duty under heavy watch while food was being prepared. It was always closer to starvation I would be permitted a meal. Enough to prevent the starvation, but never enough to put back the weight or gain my strength back.

For twenty eight years I continued to take his torture and torment. Though part of me began thinking dangerous thoughts too. Thoughts of escape, of freedom beyond Thay. There is no way he would have ever let me go. No way that he would ignore my departure. One night of his drinking he came down to my room, a whip in one hand, a carving dagger in the other with two other slaves with him. They gave me a pitied look behind his back knowing well I was again the target of his drunken rage. For several hours I endured his brutality. Him cutting deep into my chest as the two slaves held me in place. I could only scream in agony until my throat was raw and unable to make sounds before he turned back to kicking, stomping and whipping me to try and get new screams.

At some point, I just lost it. I'd had enough. Suddenly I was ontop of him, blood covering my body and soon most of his. I was just punching again and again. Anger coursing through me as never before as the other slaves backed away in horror before fleeing the room. I could hear bones crack and give way as my anger continued unabated. Ten decades of rage finally released into one man soon left him in a broken bloody and dead heap. Covered in blood, starving, in agony and terrified I fled the house. Knowing well if I was caught for this crime, I would be brought directly before the Red Wizards Council. That is a worse fate then death as you become property of the Council instead for magical experiments far worse then anything my Masters had done.

I fled as far as I could, finding the forests in Dmir. I was good at hiding and evading the search parties. Foraging as I could, stealing when I had to. Surviving on the edge of starvation for almost six months before a dark mist rolled in one night. Beyond exhausted I could hear the hunters coming again and prayed that perhaps the mist would throw them off my trail. I fled into it and soon blacked out. When I woke, I was no longer in Thay, or relatively close to it. Honestly...I am grateful for the Mists.



Destinysdesire

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2018, 09:33:15 PM »
My time here has been a mix of a blessing and a curse. I have definitely grown from what I once was, the frightened runaway slave that couldn't approach or talk to people. My eating habits are still alarming to some and recently has taken a bit of a turn for the worse, but I will get back to that. I met many whom I got to be friends with, even when I found them strange to my own ideals.

Tymir for instance. Very aggressive and a bit hard assed to deal with, yet if you generally need a friend in a pinch, you better bet he will be right there. Hes not afraid of anyone or anything that I have ever seen and I envy him that. He was the first one to really talk to me, help me figure some things out and ensure I was doing well.

Jeanne, gods know I would be lost without this woman. Even at my lowest point she has stood beside me and tried to make my life better. Shes always watching out for me and even now when shes in danger by a Demon, she still often shows much more concern for me then anyone else save one other. Shes an amazing bard with great talent. I love her music and I often find it very soothing to just sit and listen to her play. Sadly these days she is more often then not in Port.

Alin, a brother of the Morninglord, though when I met him, he wasn't of the faith and nor was I, he was just always around and helping. He was always glad to help advise me and give some tips to living better, though recently he and most of the temple seem a bit distant, though with everything going on im not entirely sure my issues are considered pressing in relation, thus I try to leave it alone.

Validus, My teacher, mentor, friend and lover. The last one was the hardest for me to learn and still difficult for me to understand. Yet I do not deny these feelings, I do not deny the enjoyment of laying beside him, head on his chest and just listening to his heart for hours, sometimes while talking, other times just listening as he sleeps there beside me. I am at my strongest when he is nearby and find most of my fears fade in his presence, I even manage to sleep. He is a monk like myself but he teaches me more then the arts, more how to survive, and make choices for myself. He has been the greatest gift the Mists have granted me since coming here.

Loredana, The Vicar of the Morninglord, a sister and a friend. Often very open minded and friendly, she is one of the people I sometimes speak to, though her recent disappearance was very worrying as of late and I was the one to notice and dispatch word to Elenuta. I am glad she is safe and secure once more. Though I have yet to hear back from her yet either which keeps me somewhat worried as well.

Elenuta, the Lion of the Dawn, a brother of the Morninglords faith as well as the teacher of the Laymen for the faith. He and I have spoken a number of times about my concerns, goals and ideals. He taught me a lot about the faith and why its so important. He gave me reasons to fight and stand strong. He took the Vicars place in the Citadel and that only makes me more worried about him. I pray he is alright but I don't know. The last time the Vicar was in trouble with the guard, they ripped out an eye. What will they do this time?

Teresca, the Lance Corporal of the guards, mostly a decent woman with a bit of a short patience. I have never actually had issues with her though I have heard many speak poorly of her and the guards. As I tell people, follow the laws and generally you have no issues with them, I personally have never had issues with her except the day I arrived and she didn't like my outfit.

Sameryl or Sam, she "WAS" a friend of mine until I found faith under the Morninglord. She held this entirely racial prejudice that because I wasn't following her Seldharine, which has to my understanding no power here at all, I was a heretical traitor to my people, even though I had never heard of these gods before nor understood them. She made no attempt to teach me, only hate on the people that had accepted me as family. Its a shame, I had really liked her and still somewhat do, if only she would actually consider listening to the opinions of other people other then her own.

Chloe, I still consider her my friend, regardless of what she does. I don't approve of it, and I worry for her vastly. She has always been kind and protective of me, she was really excited for me when I told her about my feelings for Validus. Good people can make bad choices. She made some yes. But I believe without a doubt that she can do better. She can be redeemed.

There are so many more people I could add to this list all day of the people who have helped me along the way and I would still not be done. I wound up joining the Morninglord faith with Validus help in approaching them. I was scared to approach them given the fact that Faith was always banned for slaves and I wasn't sure if I would receive the same treatment here as there. Yet I found Loredana, Alin and Elenuta very welcoming and friendly. As we spoke I began to relax with them and asked many questions. I was given books to read and study and was told when I was done, to speak again to Elenuta to begin my training as a Layman.

It was a few days before I saw Elenuta again but he didn't hesitate to start teaching me once I was ready, we went over the lines of the Morninglord to see if I understood it, and was allowed to ask my questions on things I didn't understand. He then taught me about prayer and why it was important, and that as I prayed I would begin to understand it more as only the Morninglord could guide me in that area. He was right on that. As I grew in my faith I found myself looking forward to the dawn every night, waiting anxiously for the dawn to go find my prayers and center myself in them. Sometimes praying for a few minutes, other times for a few hours as I felt drawn to do.

He taught us carpentry when Brother Volkov joined us, how to repair the Temple and handle upkeep of it before testing us in a cave that had a key belonging to the Temple of the Morninglord in the Village of Barovia. I am still unsure what its used for but I have heard where it will take us is extremely dangerous.  It would be the final test before becoming Light Carriers. He also taught me the meaning behind the Spears, why they are so important for Light Carriers to have. Other then training with Validus, I devoted most of my time to the Temple, to seeing things through and trying to help there.

Destinysdesire

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2018, 06:39:23 PM »
Things were going so well, why did that have to change? I was well on my way to becoming a Light Carrier, I showed promise as I was told. I struggled some for sure, but given my newness to religion and learning to adjust to life outside the collar, I think I was doing fairly well. I travelled with Validus up to Port, while there I was separated from all the others by the mists and jumped by bandits. One of the bandits managed to cut me across my eyes in effect blinding me. Jeanne found me unconscious and moved me to a nearby Temple, but they could not restore my sight.

Validus rushed me back to Vallaki and to the Temple, Sister Loredana managed a very strong healing power that would regenerate my eyes, but it would take about a week. A long while to wait but I would not waste the experience. I learned to train during that time as a Blind fighter. Validus taught me how to better balance myself, how to sense movements and hear and feel the vibrations they would make. I progressed in the training very well and before I could take the bandages off, I was moving fairly comfortably. Though I was glad to have my sight back.

Then one day, Validus just seemed to have vanished. This scared me but I figured it would all be alright. Then Halvor showed up, a Thayvian with the markings of a Red Wizard, who quickly proved to me he could dominate me just as quickly as my old Master used to. I think he had fun watching me jump and react and I don't trust him. Fearing what may come next once he realized I was part of the Temple and what he might order me to do, I sent a letter to Sister Loredana to speak with her, but she was missing. I immediately sent for Elenuta and informed him of her being missing, no one had seen her for more then a day and I was rather worried. Then I spoke to him on my concerns and told him for the time I was stepping away from the Temple for the protection of the members and to ensure I did nothing to endanger the church with the law.

Since then, not one member of the church has spoken to me leaving me feeling a bit outcasted, my last letter to Loredana went entirely unanswered. I fell apart and wound up breaking my own vow never to drink and got drunk. A few days passed alone, and finally Validus returned, but by then I hadn't eaten for days, and had become quite ill. He stayed in the inn with me for a full week looking after me. We decided that once I was healthier we would head out of Vallaki for a while and up to Port-A-Lucine. We took some mail up to Midway Haven as well as to the Village of Barovia where we stopped for a while, speaking of me taking up herbology.

We spent a full night there before heading to the Mist camp where I managed to make some cure light wound potions from the herbs we had and then proceeded up to Port. There was some big social gathering going on there but as I was in a Gi, it did not seem appropriate attire when everyone else was dressed like high nobility so instead we pressed on into the docks to bring down some cut throats. We did quite well for a while until a Caliban came out of nowhere and nearly killed us both. Jeanne heading to her play spotted us and got us up. We headed for the Grand Hotel and actually found a Guest Suite available which I jumped on immediately. It has hot running water, a fireplace, everything me and Validus could want. I think I will try to hold onto this place! I should stop for now though before I wake Validus. Hes pretty tired after that beating we took and besides, more time to just lay beside him and listen to his heartbeat. Who knew that could be such a soothing sound?

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2019, 07:25:52 AM »
Tonight I spent time with Lue'atha and her mate Allatarn, Lue'atha gave me a lesson on meditation as well as some points about reverie. Something I have never actually done in my past given I was never allowed to learn much of anything about my culture. We also talked a lot about our pasts and how much we have in common, we were all slaves, we all have suffered similar hardships and struggles that others cannot understand. Lue'atha seems to have a high understanding of my homesickness and why I am so stressed. She speaks of her past and her own struggles that are so akin to mine its almost terrifying. Allatarn was also born a slave, so he has some understanding of what my life was like, hes actually older then me though and seems to have a greater understanding of freedom, hes been free close to a year and a half by his guess.

Its been closer to eight months for me I think, maybe less. Counting the days and nights in the wild didn't really work out well. So it may even be less, I don't know. I see Allatarn so collected and well managed that I am made to wonder if it is a lot less then I thought. I have a lot to learn about freedom still, and how to cope with my life.

I hope Luthor is doing better. He and Odelle broke up and he was so depressed I thought if I didn't intercede he would be dead by dawn. I dragged him back to my apartment after buying some Lethe wine and brandy and got him piss drunk for the night. Letting the Lethe do its work on drawing out all his emotions in a calm and safe space. He had his full break down, but I knew at least for the time he was safe locked in my room. It was admittedly terrifying having a drunken mage in my room considering my past, but well, he needed me and I would never turn my back on my friends.

Come the dawn and his sobriety I finally freed him and took him down to the docks to let him get some air and advised him some practical meditation to clear his mind and find himself. Hopefully he will do better and get better really soon.


Destinysdesire

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2019, 04:57:00 PM »
Its been almost two weeks since I have seen or heard from Validus. I keep our room at the Governors Hotel, and while I trust him to return, doubt continually creeps in. What if he doesn't come back, what if I am what drove him away, what if I am really just so weak that I disgust him and he no longer wants to be here, what if the Mists have taken him from me? I keep telling myself its a delusion, that it is my past creeping back in to haunt me, yet as days pass, I question this more and more. Last time it was only a week, now it is almost two. Again I feel no hunger, depression sets in like a stone in my stomach, I try to find reasons to eat, yet I know I am not eating enough, barely enough to sustain myself and survive, yet never enough to grow stronger. I will hold onto this room as long as I can afford to. Though with my meager savings I do not know how long that will be.

I recently started having nightmares again, mostly ones of Validus looking at me, then turning and walking out the door, with no intentions of coming back. I don't know what to think or do, or who to even talk to at this point. Without Validus I am back to being entirely alone. I don't like this feeling. Though I don't know how to fix it either.

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2019, 11:41:14 PM »
Today has been a disaster, sat in the Ladies rest with Luthor when some kind of pulse hit all of Vallaki, I remember standing by the table helping Luthor up, then the next thing I know, hes helping me off the floor, im covered in blood, Luthors battered and bruised as is Radu who is literally giving me a look of sheer hatred. I got to where Bianca was when Radu attacked again. I managed to bolt past him and out the door. Getting to the tree line, I circled around till I could enter the shadows and vanish on him then made for the church.

We never found out what caused the pulse, though apparently it caused me to go mad and attack Luthor and then Radu who swiftly pounded me into the floor. Only other side effect after was a bloody nose. Other then that I am physically okay. A bit sore but otherwise I could have come out far worse. The Lance Corporal showed me mercy over the matter and didn't press charges. Thankfully she knows well I am not one who causes trouble or chaos, and I went and surrendered myself to her immediately rather then hide from her.

I just hope Luthor is okay, while he claims not to be bothered, I still feel rather guilty for hurting my friend. Who hurts their friend and doesn't feel bad?

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2019, 11:56:24 PM »
Time continues to move on, more and more every day I struggle to find reasons to get out of bed. Just as many reasons to struggle to get into it. I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep. Luthor has become more and more concerned with my fading health, though I don't tell him how bad it really is. It would just make him fret more. Right now he's the only one I have and I don't wanna push him away. He had left me a note in Vallaki telling me he had gone to Port for his job. I was gonna head up after him when I exited the temple to find a Caliban named Maggot standing outside. The poor blighter looked horribly like a mix of a gnome and a halfling that has been mangled.

I tried to tell him to flee, to leave the area before the guards came out, but he refused and challenged Andrei about him being there and how he hadn't done anything wrong and started to storm off in a huff, I knew immediately Andrei was not gonna take that well. Maggot was seriously beaten with the club for his insolence and when he came too, immediately fled the area. Soon after a dwarf who was a friend of Maggots started running his mouth, I knew instantly he was gonna be next, and true to my suspicions he was.

After Andrei left I turned and fled up to Port, I didn't wanna sit there anymore and see anymore brutality, even if they had brought it on themselves. Of course I had no such luck, I arrived in Port only to learn that Port had been attacked by wererats. Luthor had gone down into the sewers with some others and I quickly followed to ensure he was safe. Agnes, Nastia, and the others did not seem too thrilled to see me there but I kept close to Luthor. Apparently this dumb wererat is just another troublemaker after Verinne. Is it sad that the Paladin Nastia wasn't even the least bit concerned about doing her job as a Paladin to protect innocents? She was more worried about running to her Master...I mean friend Morrigan. I guess one life is far more valuable then many.

I grow colder every day, Luthor has noticed it too and commented that he feels like he is losing me more with each day. I don't dare tell him how dark some of my thoughts have become, how I would almost rather be back on the collar then living like this, or maybe I would just prefer it all to end. With Validus gone I just don't see a point in things. Everyone tells me I will get over it and move on, but what if I don't or can't? Even writing this I feel light headed, no hunger, just hazy. Part of me just wants to curl up here on the dock and just...let it go...


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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2019, 04:25:46 PM »
I think I have done what I swore not to do, I pushed Luthor away. I am too broken even for him. He believes I fear anger and hatred, that I have reverted back to the broken slave that is entirely dependent on other people. Maybe he's right. I depended on Validus, I depended on Luthor. Now they are both gone. I don't want to be what I was when I killed my master, it scares me to feel that anger its true. Maybe I am just a hopeless case to all. When he walked away...his last words..." I tire of hearing my own voice, and it is not doing any good"...they felt like a knife in the gut, then I just felt everything go numb. No hurt, no pain, no anger, no happiness, nothing. Just a cold void.

Lue'atha says the coldness is not natural or good. Yet I don't know if I can feel anything else now. Maybe if I just keep feeling nothing, something will change. At least the cold is better then the pain. Maybe it is better to feel nothing, so no one can hurt me anymore, so I can't be abandoned again. It was after all opening my heart to Validus that lead to this heart ache, and to Luthor walking away. Emotions for me seem to be a bad thing. If I get angry, people die, if I fall in love, they leave me, if I am sad, they walk away, if I am happy, bad things happen to make me sad. Maybe just shutting every emotion out, just being cold is better. Yes I will never be happy, but it is better then being in pain forever.

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2019, 11:52:41 PM »
The writing is sloppy, unlike all other writings it seems as though the writer had trouble with focusing enough to write

 I have no mentor, you can progress without one too. Cristans words. Even in my numb state they ripped to my core. Cristan is one of those people that no matter how bad you have had it, hes had it fifty times worse then you. How could he possibly know my pain, my anger, my sorrow. Trying to tell me my woes are lesser then his as though I don't account for anything that he has suffered. Oh no, dark mistlings took his lover. At least he knew what happened to her. Oh no, he has to carry religion on his back, hes a god damned priest, that's not my choice. I cannot progress without Validus. Its officially two weeks now since I saw Validus and my soul feels like its ripped apart. I try to hide it now, though it doesn't seem to help either way.

People are no better, saying to just let me drown, but of course, they don't care. I am not one of them, not their friend. No one is left that really cares if I die except perhaps Luthor. At this point, just put the damn collar back on. At least then I didn't have to guess at anything, everything was how it was meant to be without guessing. There was always someone there, another slave, a task master, the Master themselves. Always someone. I am mocked, taunted and laughed at by those around me, my woes considered worthless compared to theirs and as if I should be ashamed for feeling anything short of grateful for my life. Yet people wonder why I am cold and numb?

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2019, 12:20:42 PM »
The writing is in a shaky hand, small stains on the page suggest tears.

How do others so easily bring out the emotions I try to hide? Thaelandriel started talking to me today about his friend in the past, who was also a Thayvian slave who apparently died happy and free. He then pointed out...maybe it was my fault Validus left, my problems being what pushed him away. That instantly broke my heart all over again. I couldn't stop it, the tears came on their own. He pulled me into an embrace where I fully broke down. He said few in this world deserves my tears, but nobody in this world holds the responsibility of my happiness on their backs either. Happiness must come from within, not the other way around. Validus may be gone, but the world will not stop, and life will not end.

Did I really push Validus away? Did I make him leave due to all my problems? Does he hate me now and regret actually meeting me? I don't even know. All I know is I still want him to come back. I don't know if I can ever truly find freedom. I try, but many times I feel myself stumble. Hunger doesn't come easy, I am so used to not eating most times that I don't even think about it. Maybe its my health that pushed him away? I don't know....but if he never comes back....I will never open myself to another like that again. I never want this pain again. Not now, not ever.

Breaking down I don't know, it felt somewhat relieving. He didn't try and tell me to stop feeling the way I do, didn't try and make it all seem like it was okay and that I would be perfectly fine if I just held out. His words hurt more then I wanted to bare, but maybe because they are true? I don't know.

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2019, 09:48:13 PM »
I saw Sicart today, he was sitting in the middle of the garden café with his friends having drinks and chatting like he wasn't evil and wanted scum. He of course denied it but Luthor pulled me away fearing reprisal and soon filled me in on how much power over this city that monster has. Too much. Hes apparently a crime lord here and runs the underground crime ring. People ignore him because of "Lawyers" and power he has here. That's fairly worrying honestly. Ignoring the criminal doesn't make them stop. It empowers and emboldens them.

Seems I will have to be on guard, he knows I know of him now. I may be a target. He is still not the prophet though and I am not nearly as weak as I was then. I know who he is now, and I will be watching for him at my back. I can only pray that I will be ready for him when he comes and that he leaves Luthor alone. I don't wanna lose Luthor because of my foolish response to spotting the beast in public. Perhaps one day the beast will be slain.

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2019, 12:57:59 AM »
I seem to have found something to take off the edge, or I should say Halvor found something to take it off, Opium, which of course means no more Vallaki. Th'rar is worried I might get addicted but I can quit anytime, not like it was back in Thay with that Ziran drug my Master had me on. That crap was heavily addictive. I can put the pipe down anytime, I just like the feeling from it. It makes the pain stop and helps me relax, even brought back my appetite.

Th'rar seems stuck on trying to make me move on from Validus, but I think its not so much about helping me move on, as he doesn't approve of my relationship with Validus. He seems heavily against me with him. Yet I do not want to move on, I would rather wait. Besides, he is trying to hook me up with Chloe, which neither her or I want our relationship to move that way, she is more like an older sister that looks out for me. Even now shes looking after me as I stay with her. I fell asleep to her heartbeat the other day. It was very peaceful. I wasn't touching her when I could hear it, just sitting close enough to hear it. Not nearly as good as with Validus, but it helped.

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2019, 04:50:03 PM »
Its going on three weeks now, the opium is helping the pain, at least taking it away enough to eat and sleep. Though few are very understanding of why I do it. Gravnir literally asked to share my pipe, and thinking perhaps a new friend I accepted and let him take it, only for him to whip it into the mists. Chloe bought me a new one thankfully, though Gravnir had the balls to ask me for my pipe to share again, and I outright told him hell no.

Why do people only pretend to care when they think they can dictate your life? He didn't bother to approach when I was literally starving myself to death, or sitting around falling apart. No one does except Luthor, Th'rar and Chloe, though now Karis is joining those actually concerned. She thinks I need to get off opium and she may be right, but I don't see an alternative.

Destinysdesire

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #13 on: January 17, 2019, 05:53:18 PM »
So finally there might be another path, a kin named Vashtalla has approached me and offered a different solution, rather then telling me I have to stop the Opium, or need to grow a pair and man up, which even he acknowledges isn't something I can just do. Hes offered a therapy that he thinks could help my mind. If it works it could help my healing process and help me learn to cope. I don't pretend I understand it, but he's willing to help so I am willing to try.

I honestly like this kin, he understands the pain I am in, mainly on a different level, but he has suffered at the hands of Thayvians so he does understand what I am going through and I do believe he can help. We will meet later tonight to start it. For now I am lending him my journal so he can gain further insight. Hopefully it helps him.

Destinysdesire

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #14 on: January 19, 2019, 10:06:32 AM »
So many things to write about, I'm almost not sure where to start. I had my first therapy session with Vashtalla, and that went fairly well, though he has warned me that it will be painful at times. Especially as we touch into more sensitive subjects. He has advised me a lot of my problems stem back from the lack of independence. Most children learn to be independent, with loving family, other children, peers and such to guide and teach them, correct their paths when they stray and to show them love and acceptance. I never actually had that in my life. I was never taught independent thinking, how to survive, how to be my own person and acceptance was never a thing. Thus it makes me struggle more trying to learn it now, it makes me socially awkward and harder for people to understand me and often mock me. Its also why I break so badly when Validus vanishes or people seem disappointed with my choices...I seek acceptance and approval from others where I never had it before. I think this lesson was very deep and meaningful. Good insight to where I am struggling the most and where I need the most help.

Validus has finally come back, apparently the mists took him from me and while its been three weeks for me, it has been four months for him. He was "VERY cross when he learned I was on opium and made me swear to quit it before throwing my pipe off the pier. It was a very emotional meeting as we spoke, he seemed very unhappy with my condition and that I had fallen apart with him gone, but I don't really think he understands the damage him being gone did. Again this goes back to what Vashtalla said about me and needing the approval of others and needing to heal my mind before I can truly start to recover and grow. We curled up in our room together and I just laid against his chest letting him sleep, he was extremely exhausted. The sound of his heart was very soothing as I stayed close to him.

The withdrawals have already started. Its already been almost a day since the last time I had opium and the shaking, the hot and cold flashes, the nausea, its unbearable at times. Finding dried ginger root is hard to do and chewing it is even worse, but at least it takes down the nausea a bit for me. I also notice I am fairly more agitated as of recent, likely part of the withdrawal as I try and clear my system. I spent today hunting with Luthor and Th'rar but that didn't even go well. I didn't wanna tell either of them that just sitting there made me feel like I was gonna lose my stomach contents or that the whole time I was nervous and distressed, for no apparent reason what so ever. Them fighting and bickering didn't help at all.

Destinysdesire

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Re: Journal of a slave.
« Reply #15 on: Today at 03:29:49 AM »
I went to go clear the graveyard behind the Temple as I normally do on occasion, I found Elenuta, Loredana and Volkov there and offered a greeting, for the moment happy to see them, the offered the most bare greeting, then after a moment Elenuta in a very stern and cold voice asked if I wanted something...this continues to prove my point that I was outcasted for trying to look after the Temples well being. I think I am done with this religion, clearly I cannot do right by them no matter what I do. Found Luthor in the Temple finishing things up, so decided just to follow him, though apparently the pain of the rejection from Elenuta and the Temple is visible enough that he caught on right away.

I guess it proves Sams point that I would never fit into their religions and such. I perhaps should have listened to her instead of hoping she was wrong. Nothing really new anyways. I always seem to get proven wrong on my own decisions and hopes.