Within the swirling Mist (IC) > Biographies
Journal of a slave.
Destinysdesire:
Today has been a disaster, sat in the Ladies rest with Luthor when some kind of pulse hit all of Vallaki, I remember standing by the table helping Luthor up, then the next thing I know, hes helping me off the floor, im covered in blood, Luthors battered and bruised as is Radu who is literally giving me a look of sheer hatred. I got to where Bianca was when Radu attacked again. I managed to bolt past him and out the door. Getting to the tree line, I circled around till I could enter the shadows and vanish on him then made for the church.
We never found out what caused the pulse, though apparently it caused me to go mad and attack Luthor and then Radu who swiftly pounded me into the floor. Only other side effect after was a bloody nose. Other then that I am physically okay. A bit sore but otherwise I could have come out far worse. The Lance Corporal showed me mercy over the matter and didn't press charges. Thankfully she knows well I am not one who causes trouble or chaos, and I went and surrendered myself to her immediately rather then hide from her.
I just hope Luthor is okay, while he claims not to be bothered, I still feel rather guilty for hurting my friend. Who hurts their friend and doesn't feel bad?
Destinysdesire:
Time continues to move on, more and more every day I struggle to find reasons to get out of bed. Just as many reasons to struggle to get into it. I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep. Luthor has become more and more concerned with my fading health, though I don't tell him how bad it really is. It would just make him fret more. Right now he's the only one I have and I don't wanna push him away. He had left me a note in Vallaki telling me he had gone to Port for his job. I was gonna head up after him when I exited the temple to find a Caliban named Maggot standing outside. The poor blighter looked horribly like a mix of a gnome and a halfling that has been mangled.
I tried to tell him to flee, to leave the area before the guards came out, but he refused and challenged Andrei about him being there and how he hadn't done anything wrong and started to storm off in a huff, I knew immediately Andrei was not gonna take that well. Maggot was seriously beaten with the club for his insolence and when he came too, immediately fled the area. Soon after a dwarf who was a friend of Maggots started running his mouth, I knew instantly he was gonna be next, and true to my suspicions he was.
After Andrei left I turned and fled up to Port, I didn't wanna sit there anymore and see anymore brutality, even if they had brought it on themselves. Of course I had no such luck, I arrived in Port only to learn that Port had been attacked by wererats. Luthor had gone down into the sewers with some others and I quickly followed to ensure he was safe. Agnes, Nastia, and the others did not seem too thrilled to see me there but I kept close to Luthor. Apparently this dumb wererat is just another troublemaker after Verinne. Is it sad that the Paladin Nastia wasn't even the least bit concerned about doing her job as a Paladin to protect innocents? She was more worried about running to her Master...I mean friend Morrigan. I guess one life is far more valuable then many.
I grow colder every day, Luthor has noticed it too and commented that he feels like he is losing me more with each day. I don't dare tell him how dark some of my thoughts have become, how I would almost rather be back on the collar then living like this, or maybe I would just prefer it all to end. With Validus gone I just don't see a point in things. Everyone tells me I will get over it and move on, but what if I don't or can't? Even writing this I feel light headed, no hunger, just hazy. Part of me just wants to curl up here on the dock and just...let it go...
Destinysdesire:
I think I have done what I swore not to do, I pushed Luthor away. I am too broken even for him. He believes I fear anger and hatred, that I have reverted back to the broken slave that is entirely dependent on other people. Maybe he's right. I depended on Validus, I depended on Luthor. Now they are both gone. I don't want to be what I was when I killed my master, it scares me to feel that anger its true. Maybe I am just a hopeless case to all. When he walked away...his last words..." I tire of hearing my own voice, and it is not doing any good"...they felt like a knife in the gut, then I just felt everything go numb. No hurt, no pain, no anger, no happiness, nothing. Just a cold void.
Lue'atha says the coldness is not natural or good. Yet I don't know if I can feel anything else now. Maybe if I just keep feeling nothing, something will change. At least the cold is better then the pain. Maybe it is better to feel nothing, so no one can hurt me anymore, so I can't be abandoned again. It was after all opening my heart to Validus that lead to this heart ache, and to Luthor walking away. Emotions for me seem to be a bad thing. If I get angry, people die, if I fall in love, they leave me, if I am sad, they walk away, if I am happy, bad things happen to make me sad. Maybe just shutting every emotion out, just being cold is better. Yes I will never be happy, but it is better then being in pain forever.
Destinysdesire:
The writing is sloppy, unlike all other writings it seems as though the writer had trouble with focusing enough to write
I have no mentor, you can progress without one too. Cristans words. Even in my numb state they ripped to my core. Cristan is one of those people that no matter how bad you have had it, hes had it fifty times worse then you. How could he possibly know my pain, my anger, my sorrow. Trying to tell me my woes are lesser then his as though I don't account for anything that he has suffered. Oh no, dark mistlings took his lover. At least he knew what happened to her. Oh no, he has to carry religion on his back, hes a god damned priest, that's not my choice. I cannot progress without Validus. Its officially two weeks now since I saw Validus and my soul feels like its ripped apart. I try to hide it now, though it doesn't seem to help either way.
People are no better, saying to just let me drown, but of course, they don't care. I am not one of them, not their friend. No one is left that really cares if I die except perhaps Luthor. At this point, just put the damn collar back on. At least then I didn't have to guess at anything, everything was how it was meant to be without guessing. There was always someone there, another slave, a task master, the Master themselves. Always someone. I am mocked, taunted and laughed at by those around me, my woes considered worthless compared to theirs and as if I should be ashamed for feeling anything short of grateful for my life. Yet people wonder why I am cold and numb?
Destinysdesire:
The writing is in a shaky hand, small stains on the page suggest tears.
How do others so easily bring out the emotions I try to hide? Thaelandriel started talking to me today about his friend in the past, who was also a Thayvian slave who apparently died happy and free. He then pointed out...maybe it was my fault Validus left, my problems being what pushed him away. That instantly broke my heart all over again. I couldn't stop it, the tears came on their own. He pulled me into an embrace where I fully broke down. He said few in this world deserves my tears, but nobody in this world holds the responsibility of my happiness on their backs either. Happiness must come from within, not the other way around. Validus may be gone, but the world will not stop, and life will not end.
Did I really push Validus away? Did I make him leave due to all my problems? Does he hate me now and regret actually meeting me? I don't even know. All I know is I still want him to come back. I don't know if I can ever truly find freedom. I try, but many times I feel myself stumble. Hunger doesn't come easy, I am so used to not eating most times that I don't even think about it. Maybe its my health that pushed him away? I don't know....but if he never comes back....I will never open myself to another like that again. I never want this pain again. Not now, not ever.
Breaking down I don't know, it felt somewhat relieving. He didn't try and tell me to stop feeling the way I do, didn't try and make it all seem like it was okay and that I would be perfectly fine if I just held out. His words hurt more then I wanted to bare, but maybe because they are true? I don't know.
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