Journal of a Alestra Dragonsbane, Paladin of Torm.

[Destinysdesire]

This journal was purchased at the first place I could find, called the Vistani camp, a small gathering that looks more like gypsy's though they seem rather friendly if nervous. It has been a day since my arrival and while I like to think I have made some friends, I have also met new terrors that plague me. My first attempt at sleep nothing more then night terrors. Sleep will not easily be an option without something to stave off the nightmares.

I want to say this is better the Baator, but even then I start to question it. Its not a far cry different from Neverwinter, but I am already homesick, I miss my mother, my brothers in arms, the Temple, everyone I knew. People here seem to have mostly surrendered hope of getting back, but I cannot and will not. Tymir, a dwarf I met here from "Sigil" has advised me as best he can on surviving here and where here is, he has also started teaching me Balok and given me a written alphabet to practice with. Almost the same as I did with Karis. I am teaching her to read and eventually to write too, shes a good learner and I think she will grasp it fast.

I am seeking to learn about these crows, though information is scarce around here on them. I have learned who their leader is and if we are around at the same time, my source will introduce me to them. I am not sure how secretive the group is so I am avoiding putting too much on paper till I know more. Though they are apparently a good organization promised to fighting lycans and such so they can't be too secretive I guess?

I only pray I can one day find the route home, though the people here are the same as at home in regards to seeing what I am, they bulk at first though some seem more accepting then others about it. For now all I can do is try and learn more of the lands and try to determine my purpose here, and if Torm actually sent me here, and if so, for what purpose.

[Destinysdesire]

I have joined the Crows, Jerick Snow has accepted me as a Sister and a young Ranger in the order. I have enjoyed the family fellowship I have found within the crows. They have gifted me much better armor then my half plate, some good boots, vambraces, a helmet, and talk of a better sword. I didn't join for the gear, but I am grateful for the help they freely offer.

I have connected strongly with Patter, and Jerick. Already proved once I will die to protect my brothers and sisters even at the cost of my own life and I was commended for it by Jerick. We seem to have a lot in common in ideals and I find the Crows to be almost identical to my Triadic order back home. This suits me perfectly and I was glad to take the vows to earn my place within.

It is good to have a family again. I have never been without my family in the Triad, so being here alone was a nightmare. The Crows have fixed that for me. It is at least one relief in this place that I can be happy for as I move forward with this life. Speaking of nightmares, I have non stop night terrors, Jerick gave me a mix of herbs and tea last night to use to sleep, was the first time I was able to sleep without night terrors or any other dreams which I was most grateful for.

Now Hadush, while not officially a member but at least an honorary one, is being chased by a crazy vampress, I have spent the night guarding over him in the Temple of the Morninglord, some people seem suicidal here, wanting Hadush to wait with them outside, or venture down into the crypts where the Vampress can reach him, I keep telling them no and that we remain in the Temples secure area till the Dawn. I will keep him safe till then. For now I can only wait for Snow, Elene or Patter to respond to my message for them to seek me.

[Destinysdesire]

It has been over a year since I have written here, but so much has happened...One of the order wound up making a deal with a Vampire. I could not accept this but I could not betray them, so I moved up to Port under the guise of wanting to spread our way up there, even became the Ambassador of the Crows up there, I still have Jericks letter of recognition. Over time though, we drifted more and more apart. As time pressed on, I found myself moving further and further away from the Crows....from Jerick and from what I thought I believed in. Torm, the Crows....I lost faith in them both. I couldn't connect with Torm, and I felt cold from it.

Eventually I found myself in the Village of Barovia. I am still not sure what to this day brought me there, but I found myself standing in the Temple of the Morninglord. I was no stranger to the faith, I knew of Loredana and Alin and Elenuta after all. Yet never before did I feel the warmth there, the pull and draw. So I spent time there. Six months actually. Studying, learning, working to see what I could learn and understand. As I spent time there, I began to feel...some kind of connection I want to say...it still wasn't the same as Toril...but I didn't feel alone.

I was advised I should return to Vallaki, speak to the clergy there and seek my place if that was to truly be my path. So I did and have. I joined the clergy, the family of the Vallaki Outskirts Temple. They are an interesting bunch. Tess, very firm yet you can feel the caring and compassion within her. Vodal, my teacher and mentor both in swordsmanship and in Temple duties, very direct yet has a winning smile. Grigore, he is Florettes mentor and while he puts on a bright outlook, he seems to be in a lot of pain internally. Florette, my sister, she is a lot like Grigore, a beautiful winning smile, but in a lot of pain. I hope one day I can help them both with their pain.

For now, I practice my craft which I have been ordered to take one up in my spare time. I had considered Alchemy strongly...but I kept struggling to even get started. So I took the time to pray on it, then had this weird dream of a giant tree that would never run out of wood. I decided to give a go at Carpentry and I seem to have a natural talent for it. So I believe I will focus on that now. Work with what I have.

[Destinysdesire]

Carpentry seems a blessing in my choices, a natural skill. Conner has been giving me some tips and pointers and I couldn't appreciate it more. I passed my second test this time, though it seemed more easy. Though I do have to discuss it with Florette so we can both learn mistakes we were making and improve upon them. Simple mistakes at that, nothing greatly serious. I am sure she picked up mistakes I was making just as I did.

For the time being, the Morninglord has withdrawn his blessings from me, and they were worried I might surrender. No, I do not surrender, in fact I see it as a challenge by the Morninglord. Prove I can stand on my own in his light, without his blessings. Earn them, be the barer of his light without the power, then maybe he will return it. It is time I learned how to fight without the blessings, I have had them as long as I can remember and facing the real world without them will be a new challenge, a growth.

Even if I never get them back, I will grow. I will become stronger again, more willing to fight. I hold high hopes that one day I will regain his favor enough to stand in his light, but until then, I will continue to do what is required of me. Which brings up another flaw we found. My old oaths...I need to let go of them fully and move on in the Morninglords light. Failure was never acceptable, yet everyone fails at some point. Something I need to learn to accept and recognize if I fail, its "my" fault and no one elses. It has been an eventful insight.

[Destinysdesire]

Words can hurt, they can be harsh, cold, mean or they can lift us up. Today they seemed very harsh as Tess spoke with us. It started with Elenuta, I had mentioned I had known him as the "Lion of the Dawn" as Loredana had fondly called him, only for Tess to snap that he was a traitor.

Then in a later conversation with Florette talking about the Blessed Succor, I finally realized where she was speaking about having been there several times to fight off the undead and demons....to have Tess accuse me of going there with the crows to pillage the place...I understand her anger at the crows, but to be labeled a petty thief...worse a grave robber...that hurt, more then I could even express.

I spent some time talking to Lauel, getting her opinion and voicing my own frustrations..which is more therapeutic then most would believe. Sometimes its hard to see past emotions, and walking away is my first recourse, cooling off and sometimes speaking with another to help gain a second perspective of the matter so that I can better understand a situation. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. Even me.

Recently I have been going up to the silver mines with Conner and Ivory and usually a porter. Its a lot of hard work and I have a few new bruises to make up for it, though I am not taking a cash payment. Instead I told Conner to save it, and put it towards a new set of armor. Adamantium full plate, bodak lining and platinum gilding. Not a small thing to save for. I think the grand total is nearly 300,000 fang. A huge investment, but I think in time if I can get strong enough to enchant it. It would be entirely worth the cost.

[Destinysdesire]

I sit here and listen to Brother Grigore and Sister Florette, yet I am more confused then ever. The last line of the dogma, which I quote "Destroy the foul undead wherever you find them, for they are the enemies of the dawn". I spoke of further investigating the Temple where I went through my Spirits test, yet they are dead set it is worthless and not worthy of our time? As if my plan is horrible for the congregation? Yes they are trapped there, but is it not our duty to put them to final rest if we can? I suggested even doing it on my own time, even that wasn't good enough, I should be focusing only ever forever on the immediate on goings. Does that mean if something goes on for a length of time we should just forget it, and completely ignore it as not a problem anymore and move off? I am not sure I agree, I need to speak with Tess, see where she stands, after all, its not the first time I have disagreed with Grigores stance on things.

[Destinysdesire]

I had forgotten the risks of getting close to anyone, the fear of losing them. I rediscovered that today when I discovered Vodal as a statue. Wererats had been ripping at it and I had to spend a day and almost a full night protecting him as they attacked again that night. I'm still shaking, though everyone around me acts like theres nothing wrong with what happened. Am I just being silly? Is death so common place that such an event is numbing? Or is it just me?

Almost losing him was worse then I want to admit. I don't enjoy such things or the challenges of recovering from such. I found myself desperate and literally begging people to be able to turn him back, the fear of losing him was overwhelming. I'd give every last coin for a scroll that could turn him back. Thankfully Florette managed to save him. Hells I was basically being blackmailed to be someones meat shield just to "use" a scroll on him if I had the scroll already. Yet I was ready to pay it if need be. You can't replace family.