Author Topic: The Panther in the moon:  (Read 16576 times)

Silas Rotleaf

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #25 on: October 04, 2018, 03:46:45 PM »
As an acolyte I love and proudly serve my deity. I wish to spread Yutow's message of compassion and survival to all even the non believers and best do so through providing powerful healing to the party in a dungeon. I put out wave after wave of savagely unrelenting blasts of positive and divine energy against the undead hordes we face and cut swathes into the bands of lycanthropes we come across with my weapon of silver.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2018, 04:47:44 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

Silas Rotleaf

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #26 on: October 07, 2018, 06:59:39 AM »
I have performed some successful raisings now!
Two.
Also consecrated oil (protection from evil) may help with when performing one on cursed ground.

The heart seeks what the heart wants and though I can befriend many... Still, a mate seems as elusive as the amulet I have been questing after.  Evidently none of the merchants around have seen one in some time.

As Yutow suffered to protect His charges, so too must we uncomplainingly undergo life's trials and hardships... To prove ourselves worthy of His devotion!

However, I am not sure who I can trust. This is a very different "jungle" to navigate and yet...
« Last Edit: October 09, 2018, 03:03:55 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

Silas Rotleaf

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #27 on: October 08, 2018, 07:24:55 PM »
My first failed raising had Egil zombified and we had to find a full fledged priest to rectify it using resurrection.
That was very embarrassing!

On the other hand I did learn how to invoke a planar ally.

Silas Rotleaf

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #28 on: October 09, 2018, 03:31:12 AM »
Good priests get a hound archon.
Evil priests get a succubus.
I get... A giant toad.  Apparently that's what you get when you aren't particularly good or evil.

I call him Battletoad.
Sonny the expert slinger halfling calls him Slaadimir.
That nice Halan lady who I think might like me called him Slaahd Von Zarovich.


He's a green one. Apparently they are what you get when a Slaad tadpole bursts out of a wizard.  Good, I don't really like wizards much.

So what does he do?
He can do hammer of gods like a priest and vampiric touch but also flame arrow and fireball. He likes goofing around with self buffing wards too... Stuff like stoneskin and ethereal visage. He's very strong and not the smartest or most charismatic but he radiates an awesome amount of power. Also even if he gets chopped up into little pieces he can still reincarnate and get called on again after I pray and have a long rest. He doesn't like it much though and it is understandably painful for him; I will try not to send him on too many suicide missions.

Picture credit: Martinez and Sparrow 2010: Dungeons & Drawings Green Slaad
« Last Edit: October 09, 2018, 03:03:11 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #29 on: October 10, 2018, 06:50:20 PM »
In the dirty sewers of Port A Lucine I found a vendor woman who happened to have a pile of "exotic trinkets". Among them was the holy icon I had so long been searching for. The symbol of our faith.

I must write to the senior Moarnekone in the Ungrad Church of Yutow about this and about my planar ally. I am assuming that since ours is faith that is neither wholly good nor wholly evil these "slaads" as magical beasts we call upon when beseeching Yutow's divine aide in times of crisis are not likely to be something new and unprecedented that I am the first acolyte to summon.  There must be some record of these green slaads showing up when earlier priests in our holy order have done planar ally.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2018, 02:46:18 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #30 on: October 11, 2018, 12:56:30 PM »
I have also devoted much of the physical combat portion of my training toward fighting defensively. So much so that I have reached a new level of blocking blows and leaning into my shield which seems about twice as effective as the earlier form...

Teram Monroe the Forfarian has told me he will try to get me a book about Slaads which are what my planar ally's species are called. He is familiar with them and says they can be powerful in combat and support.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2018, 01:21:25 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #31 on: October 12, 2018, 11:09:57 AM »

The church of Yutow is a monotheistic one.
We believe that though there are many spirits only Yutow is deserving of the title of "God" because He is much more powerful than the rest. The others don't hold domain over all plants and beasts, men, life and death to the extent which He does.

The traditional orthodox liturgical canon is that other faiths are the result of bastardized, corrupt misinterpretations of Yutow caused by misunderstanding. Still others are false gods which are actual demons and malevolent fey who pretend to be deities.

This presents a problem when you are outside Valachan.
The staggering number of other faiths in other lands... Means diplomacy is required.
We know this. Even back in Valachan Moarnekone are spread thinly and often work in conjunction with the odd Ezrite enclave or Halan coven here and there to caretake after villages when cooperation is possible.

I don't want to be a heretic or blaspheme but how am I to explain my faith to others without putting it in terms of something else they already understand?

Yutow and His sacrifice makes  sense to me. It teaches us the values of compassion and survival. I pray to the Lunar Peacebringer for some answers.

Gods are not alike to men... our old medicine men and wise women will say.
That is a cryptic answer. It does not really explain the how of that they are different. It is a thing one must take on faith.

I am far closer now to being a Moarnekone than when I began this journey as a mere acolyte but there is still much to being a priest and mysteries of our God's wisdom to puzzle over and discern out.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2018, 06:27:03 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #32 on: October 14, 2018, 12:12:10 PM »
Battletoad is much quieter now. I think he prefers not to be so talkative.
Though he understands common and when the urge strikes him can speak simple sentences and phrases in it or answer direct questions he also has a different language which I do not understand. It is a guttural and croaking one that I think only makes sense to his fellow toadfolk.

There are times where he stares at me, not blinking terribly much and interrupts it by doing a very toad like behavior such as croaking or licking his own eyeball.
People say he is what is called a green Slaad. When I asked my planar ally where he came from I was told "Chaos place".  This is the being that my God Yutow saw fit to grace me with. Not an angel. Not a demon. A hulking toadman that walks upright, punches hard and expels blasts of energies from its mouth.

It is appropriate since Yutow holds sway over plant and beast as well as life and death. Valachan is a mystical jungle and very much a living and breathing thing with its own living pulse.

Great and Mighty Yutow is its soul. He who gave of Himself sacrificing His very body to end a most profound conflict that the forests He loved and peoples in them could endure. It is He who has seen fit to grant me use of this magical creature, one of His messengers.
« Last Edit: October 14, 2018, 12:19:52 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #33 on: October 16, 2018, 02:33:08 AM »
I ran into Annabelle again. Port seems to have changed her for the worse.
I miss the swamp girl; I am not sure that the society debutante she has become is really my cup of tea.

I have also penned a Yutow Bible.

Veronika is very nice. I like her and she likes me.  There is a sadness beneath the generous heart though. I shall try to soothe it as best I can.

A wildman, halfling and I barely survived an encounter with a terrible ghost in the basement of the Vallaki temple.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2018, 04:31:49 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #34 on: October 17, 2018, 03:22:19 PM »

Large cats are admired and the panther is revered by my people above all other animals.

Brother Panther was the wisest animal spirit in Yutow's court and is who helped The Provider figure out how to end the great Pacification conflict to unify the two warring peoples saving our forests in the process. He and Yutow worked out a ritual wherein Yutow gave of Himself and ascended to Peacebringer and balance was restored in ancient Valachan.

There are noble and virtuous aspects in panthers. The great cat is a clever hunter and mother panthers care for their young cubs.

It is also little surprise then that our Baron's noble house uses an emblem of the panther as their heraldic crest.
Castle Pantara too evokes imagery of the jungle's greatest feline hunter.  It a marvel of clever architecture. Each gatehouse is a paw and the body of the cat which is the castle proper so appears poised to pounce on the road below it.
The Panther's tail is itself another road.

Today in the mist camp with some help from Arianwen I taught Th'rar about meditation.
« Last Edit: October 17, 2018, 05:42:25 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #35 on: October 18, 2018, 05:46:27 PM »
I could be doing so much more.
I bring part of Valachan, of a piece of my home city of Ugrad with me. This is the first exposure many outsiders have had to any of my people and to Yutow's lessons and virtues.

It is a lonely existence most of the time being the only Valachani around.
When the "noble" gentry in Dementlieu amusedly mocked my joy at procuring the holy icon of my order... I am a calm and peaceful man normally but the beast aspect... My cat spirit in my heritage... Briefly I entertained for a quick moment in my mind and our shared soul the image of ripping their throats out with my barehands as they flapped their condescending gums in their High Mordentish; Hmm, does the Third Revelation of Ezra say be a prick towards other peoples?

You who would look at me as only slightly elevated above a savage... You who would find my totemic shaman powers quaint at best. I am not some specimen to be placed into an anthropological zoo for your leisurely amusement. Pfah!
How can one make note of the life around when your nose is constantly looking down on everyone else and in so doing this action leaves your head forever in the clouds? That is a mystery.

No no,
I wish to spread a message of compassion, one of love and strength to promote survival.  This indignant umbrage is not of His moonlight. It is something not helpful... It is slightly troubling.

Some calming exercises later I allowed the anger to wash away and dissipate.
I apologized to my friend Annabelle in a heartfelt way. I realized I was frustrated not at the people of Dementlieu as a whole but at those of their nobles/upper crust in the terraces public parque for being A-holes; You see, to them it passes as an attempt at wit.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2018, 03:17:48 AM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #36 on: October 19, 2018, 10:27:31 AM »
People commonly misunderstand and conflate the monastic and clerical "vow of poverty" philosophy with a free bartering mentality as of some nomads and simple Stone Age tribesmen wherein value of currency itself is not recognized or accepted.  This is not true. It is not so.
A religious vow of poverty means you beg and humbly do work.

Goods and services in a community are not produced or rendered without an exchange of labor. This is a flawed line of thinking used by people to justify ripping off one another. A people come to an agreement about the value of things when trading.
« Last Edit: October 19, 2018, 04:26:17 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #37 on: October 20, 2018, 07:45:43 AM »
You can count on that nearly every terrible person in history has said moments before their demise: I regret nothing.
It's pretty much their go to to justify actions to themselves moments before the chopping block. Their ancestors watching from beyond and The Peacebringer know the truth though; You cannot lie to these spirits.

There are also wicked folk who spread the sort of rumors designed to get a person killed simply for not liking that individual rather than anything which may have truly actually been said or done by their target. Those folk get away with it.
Nobody seems to punish anyone for killing the wrong person even after the fact comes out. It is disgusting as much as disillusioning that mob violence is the "order" of the day in some places.

I wonder how much current Vallaki in Barovia is such a place.
You must always keep your head down because violent, misguided idiots are more dangerous a lot of the time than any monsters.

There are madmen (and women) whom feign normalcy well enough to rise to positions of abusable authority. What so ever shall ever be done about that?
It is not my place; This is merely a sadly hopeless observation.

Such injustices are not tolerable but neither is vigilantism tenable.
« Last Edit: November 06, 2018, 02:40:41 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #38 on: October 21, 2018, 10:10:19 AM »
It feels strange.
I am again experiencing a lack of direction.
I met a mysterious elven woman in green who taught me a little about Faerun and of tensions and conflict between her world's surface elves and their underground dwelling cousins called drow. This racial/ethnic conflict is so great that it even gets mentioned in their mythos.  The Faerunian elves are polytheistic and they extend their surface - drow conflict to their pantheons too. I wonder how much of that is real and how much is symbolic allegory.

She also told me of a deep cavern system networked by wild tunnels that many Faerunians call "the Underdark."  Her name is Alean.

I know a tiny bit of how legend has it that in the center of the Core there once was a country of dark skinned fey called the Arak and that during the Great Upheaval their nation sank. Now if it does remain in some form even ruined then it would be many kilometers down in the Shadow Rift.
I don't think the Arak and drow are the same.

In regards to the lack of direction I have been feeling lately, I think back to the sort of advice my Rotwaldi uncle or the Moarnekone who mentored me in Ungrad would give me in my youth.
What would Yutow want of me? What else more can I do to help the Barovians and to help myself?
Obviously there is the mundane but necessary pursuit of coin.
I fear I have stalled in the progress of my training. Perhaps I should go hunting with Dextan and Enora again...
I think I should soon.
That may help; Hopefully all that is holding me back from currently advancing is a lack of adventuring.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2018, 10:59:22 AM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #39 on: October 22, 2018, 03:57:03 PM »
What even is my life?
What would the wise women and medicine men say to me?

I know my purpose is to advise people, mediate potential conflicts before they erupt worse into full scale fights, to provide tactical healing and to slay abominations.

The Sithican-Valachani Incursion of three years ago is not so very fresh in everybody's minds but I feel like the official record of events made by the rest of the core is biased at best.

I wish to get out there three assertions:
Fact 1: I did not participate in my country's attempted invasion since I am not a part of the state militia.

Fact 2: Lady Adeline and the Valachani warriors at our border with Sithicus regularly engage in skirmishes to the point people are aware militarily The Baron and his elven Lieutenant have their eye on annexing the Sorrow of Sithicus's troubled kingdom either partially or in whole.

Fact 3: In spite of this overall we do engage in regular river trade with the peoples from our border neighbors Sithicus and Mordent.

Mordent has been and remains our most reliable trading partner. It distresses me that chroniclers and historians have slanted record of this conflict into some sort of terror tale that we aggressed against our own ally.
Most reasonable and intelligent people know Azreal Dak is a liar and not to be trusted... So I worry not so much about what propaganda he put out regarding my people back then but misguided fools may think we attacked Mordent. I have trouble believing it.

What I think happened was that Mordent decided to aide Sithicus and wound up among the forces fighting against my people's army during the Incursion and somebody with anti-Valachan bias took that and used it to paint an image of us as entirely blood thirsty savages.

Such a stereotype is not wholly accurate. We Valachani are a highly social people.  Our hospitality is as if not more well known than our warfare. To say this though when few know much about us at all in the central and eastern parts of the core... Feels off.

I have not murdered Verbrekers. I have killed werewolves. If some of those happened to be from Verbrek then my apologies for that unfortunate coincidence or happenstance.
I am a priest, not a soldier.

Our swordsmen and archers are feared somewhat? That is all fine and good for them (going against an army is a prospective that should cause trepidation) but to assume this extends also to civilians and priests is misguided at best and a combination of hostile and misanthropic at worst.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2018, 03:16:33 AM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #40 on: October 23, 2018, 03:47:34 PM »
We are a noble people.
We are not merely savages.

You who would judge us... Without having to know what we put up with, are wrong.

Silas Rotleaf

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #41 on: October 24, 2018, 03:20:05 AM »
Veronika liked my presents.
She likes me and I am rather fond of her as well.
At present I am without any money, my weapon and shield due to a bad series of unfortunate circumstances.
Using my gauntlets with blessing I can punch things when I have to but this is much less than ideal.

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #42 on: October 27, 2018, 03:59:31 AM »
I love Veronika and she loves me.
We are to be married.
A Barovian Halan Healing witch and a Valachani Yutow priest...
It's an odd pairing to be sure but like peanut butter and tuna fish it just works.

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #43 on: October 27, 2018, 05:18:10 PM »
She says she wants children.
One of the things Yutow is a God of is fertility.
I can accommodate her request.

Some background about the God of my ancestors and the cult of Panther:
The favored weapon of our priesthood is the humble sickle.
Yutow's portfolio includes nature, compassion, survival, fertility and cats.
He "died" and ascended to end the Pacification War.  We Valachani exist today solely because of his active divine intervention back then. Yutow the Provider is dead. Yutow the Peacebringer presides over a spectral lunar kingdom over a spirit court.

Loyal worshippers escape the reincarnation cycle of these accursed mists and get to join it [Yutow's spirit court].  Those who are disloyal or unbelievers are doomed to live it [the cycle] over again and again until they learn the lesson He intends for their spirits to know.
Of them, the ones who refuse even after being presented the truth, the ones who absolutely deny Him, their souls are consumed by the fog.

We of the priesthood hate wizardry, corporeal undead and lycanthropes.
Panther is the most loyal and clever animal spirit friend and servant of Yutow.
Likewise panthers are the most noble and cunning of large feline hunters.

The Von Kharkov family's crest is a panther... Reinforcing that they rule Valachan by divine right. Castle Pantara is shaped to resemble a cat ready to pounce. Large cats are thusly revered in my people's culture.
The panther is a noble shadow stalking creature; Mother panthers care for their cubs.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2018, 07:04:02 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #44 on: October 28, 2018, 09:26:51 AM »
The Swarm.
It's coming.

I have had visions.
This moment will be soon.

I think I know what I must do.
For Yutow. For my people. For my bride. For her people. For our friends and for myself.
I must unlock the secret.

Nature hums, crawls, flaps, buzzes... It creeps. Most importantly it swarms, gnawing.
Bees, ants and flies quickly take down an animal many times larger than themselves by working together.

I am not quite strong enough to take down ancient mummy lords, cursts or desert trolls reliably just yet. It is something to aspire towards but I know once I tap into the power of swarms that wielding the creeping, crawling doom will be a potent tool that helps, Yutow be praised.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2018, 01:25:46 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #45 on: November 01, 2018, 05:20:21 PM »
The fall equinox has passed.
Hmm... I have not seen Veronika in some time.
I do think she still wants to marry me but when it is your own wedding you do need to be present for it to take place.

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #46 on: November 03, 2018, 03:09:44 PM »
The power over swarms is mine to control.
I have obtained the power of a full priest. No longer am I a mere acolyte.
I have developed the abilities of a proper Moarnekone.

With such new power though and to be a full priest, it also carries a grave responsibility.
In trying to test one of the new prayers granted to me an innocent was accidentally slain. This is awful.
====
As Yutow suffered to protect His charges, so too are His worshippers to uncomplainingly undergo trials and hardships in this life, to prove themselves worthy of His devotions in the next.
===
As I took my lashes and received my flogging, there were those in the crowd of spectators who jeered that they thought I was not receiving a more in their minds fittingly brutal punishment.
There are also outsiders who do not understand the relationship I have with my God and believe I ought to be stripped of my powers or otherwise cut off from Him for not being perfect (or indeed, more perfect).
They do not understand that life is about mistakes and progress and it is in thinking you are perfect that one cannot grow. Yutow knows we are not perfect. He made our ancestors better by fusing two warring peoples on an imminent path determined to exterminate each other and take the forests with them into one, superior hybrid race. That was to force us to get along.
I am not overly concerned with what these outsiders think, however their irrational and vicarious bloodlust is unsettling.
=====
Veronika was most displeased I had put a tentative missing persons poster looking for her up in the mist camp. She had said she would be away helping the village for a few days. A week had passed. I guess we have different ideas of how many is a few days. I probably should have waited two weeks instead of one before doing that. Ugh.
===
Faith in the Peacebringer and Panther is about compassion, endurance and survival.
We are not to question fate for it is mandated from above.
If Veronika and I do have a future together or if we do not, what is - is and what could have been but did not - is not.
That vistaņa being absorbed too quickly to even have a chance to scream... His last moments though quick still haunt me. It was solely my fault he died. I accepted full responsibility.  However, his [figurative] blood is always and forever on my conscience. It [figuratively] stains my hands. Though I did not personally kill him, it was a creature I'd conjured which went awry. It ate him. I could not control it. I was not intending to summon a dread elemental. I just wanted to see if I could invoke a normal one. Nothing can bring him back. He was completely innocent and undeserving of so terrible a demise.

When your actions or inactions cause someone's death, when it is accidental, the correct thing to do is go to his next of kin, seek them out, you apologize and you offer them restitution. That is the honorable thing which proper men should always do.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2018, 01:26:40 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #47 on: November 04, 2018, 05:58:46 AM »
Now I think I understand, having been on the other side of the stocks or whipping post, why spectators jeer and attempt to egg guards on toward further violence and crueler sadism; it is to magnify what you have done in order to draw attention away from their own sins.
The victim of my carelessness was a vistaņa. His Vistani clan had ideas for reparations.
I withstood by Tarr's count a thousand lashes.
We Valachani culturally are pain stoics but it did hurt a lot and was quite difficult to walk. Once I was in private I cried out.
Even though I can call upon the power of regeneration I think I will have a limp for some time.

Also as I had noted earlier Veronika was extremely cross and I am not sure she wishes to marry me any longer.*

Even fighting monsters feels somewhat devoid of meaning. Nothing will undo that the innocent man died through my own carelessness. Even if I spend the rest of my life giving every Vistani free healing... It still won't bring him back. He got eaten by a monster. I had foolishly tried summoning an elemental to see if I could and it went rogue. I got a dread elemental instead which immediately consumed the caravan master. I could not control it and even though those of us at the camp immediately set to slaying it... Its touch paralyzed and there was quickly little left of the captain of the caravan but his shoes by the time we got to him. It was pretty terrible.

Two mantras helped me through the flogging.
One was repeating the first few lines of the Peacebringer dogma several times.
The other was this: In enduring, grow strong. In being strong, grow wise. In gaining wisdom, learn and in learning, know.

*I am having to consider what a future without her and without having a family with her will be like. Also what one alone might be like.

The Ruanie agreed with me that what is our fate is fated to happen and there is no use questioning it.  You see, we can only try to figure out what it means.

Arlee says Veronika still loves me. Hmm.**

Also, I have killed two "vassaliches." These are a type of lesser lich. This victory rings hollow though: Fighting monsters means more when it is to protect people you care about. Riches are meaningless without people to share it with or spend on.

I suspect that it is not about how many unnatural things you destroy or the wealth you amass and that it is family that is what is really the true adventure.
Progress forward. Be a better man today than the one you were the day before. This is what one must do.

The blood of an innocent is [figuratively] on my hands. It is my burden to share alone. I reiterate and emphasize again that it is nobody else's fault.
He did not even get time to scream... The things I thought were important were not and those I had thought weren't, were.
**I had started to worry a bit she (Veronika) had forgotten about me or perhaps been killed when she had been gone twice as long as it had sounded like she would be back when we had last talked at her departure.  I need to calm down. A letter would have been nice or something just to let me know she was doing okay.
I did offer to come by later to help some with those chores she said she was doing to help Barovia village.  Later in that week when I did find myself journeying through it on business I couldn't find her. In hindsight, panicking after a week is stupid.
When it turned out she was also making preparations for their winter her mission taking longer made sense.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2018, 02:10:27 PM by Silas Rotleaf »

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #48 on: November 06, 2018, 02:33:24 PM »
There have been some developments.
I have fantastic powers of regeneration, Arlee cannot talk for some reason and Veronika may still be interested in our relationship.

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Re: The Panther in the moon:
« Reply #49 on: November 07, 2018, 04:18:06 PM »
If she is [interested in pursuit], the ball is in her court.
As for our relationship? I feel I could take it or leave it.
I am lonely and want or need to have someone but have no one.
I am feeling she is not so very reliable.

Why did she pretend to like me? Does she like me? Did she at any point, truly?
She has a strange way of choosing to show it these days.
When we last spoke she threw a tantrum at me and did not wish to any longer speak to me.

Arlee said she [Veronika] did still love me but I do not have time for these childish mind games. It is up to Veronika now to demonstrate her true feelings in her actions.
If the second something seriously bad happens to me she wishes to no longer be together then that is very telling and what it says is not good.

I give and I give in this and other relationships. Why do it? Do I enjoy being taken for granted? Ugh.

This line of thinking is poisonous.

In sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. It is not in health and health and only in good times. Harrumph.

Saffron said Veronika is having her help make wedding dresses and she (Veronika) is trying such things on. I do not know. I am uncertain.

Is it the right path? Good relationships are based on communication, not upon the lack of it.  A relationship is as a garden. You must each put in effort to cultivate things.
You mustn't salt the earth or let the plot become choked with weeds.

During the time in which I am wounded and in need of a partner the most I find myself cut off and more alone than ever.
It is... Not really her fault.

Why pretend to your lover's face you do not love them? Dishonesty does not sew a good crop.

People say stupid things they do not mean when they are angry.
This seed of distrust is not... Healthy.
I do not feel loved or cared about at present. Hmm!

I fight so hard for what? For people to still be shitty anyway?
I am not sure who I can trust anymore.
I hate the uncertainty.

I am not in a terribly great place mentally. Companionship... Isolation. Hmm.
Have faith. Peacebringer, I am your servant. I trust that you will provide in one way or the other, somehow. You always do.

I do not know what will happen ahead of time. I must... Swallow down these negative feelings, these doubts and hope for the best.
In Peacebringer philosophy there is certainty.

Just because one is stoic about things does not mean they have no feelings or experience no hurting. It just means they are discerning in where and when to express it.

In a relationship both partners have needs. Of course are her needs being met.
Gah... You know, the idea isn't be an immortal and unchanging rock. Sometimes you have a bad day at work or are in a terrible accident. If you are going to make a family there needs to be trust.
If you cannot occasionally be open with and vulnerable around the one who says he or she would like to be your spouse... Then it is all so very stupid and meaningless. I have needs too! How dare I. Really.

I am not a fool. I would like to feel that I have some respect and to me it seems obvious that if you are willing to understand we are men and not gods that one should accept we are flawed and imperfect, that mistakes can happen at times.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2018, 07:30:43 PM by Silas Rotleaf »