The Panther in the moon:

[Silas Rotleaf]

Jayden is not my friend.
Very quickly he turned on me. He said my gifts I gave him were trash, called me a fool and a jester (and still does). He could not take my teasing response to his excessive moodiness and lashed out verbally.

I think he uses people then when he feels they are no longer useful he discards them. I see him for what he is. His charming charade to get into womens' pants and have men give him equipment and supplies.
He had talked a good game before of understanding the value of bonds, vows and friendship but to him it is meaningless.

I feel... Strangely towards Veronika.
I am not infallible. Maybe it is in the realizing I am not without flaw she has lost some trust in me? The lack of communication hurts.

Perhaps this is all a test by Yutow.  Family and camaraderie are not something I have experienced so the offer of these things is a temptation and having it cruelly ripped away is but a test of endurance?

These are childish and stupid mind games designed to wear down an opponent and break them into being nothing more than your mere plaything.
I want no part in such chicanery. Boundaries must be set.

She thinks of me as an idiot instead of the powerful priest I am becoming. Perhaps it was foolish of me to be alright with her offer to be my wife. It sounded good, perhaps too good. Mayhap she is one of those who is only interested in the chase and then once you catch someone all interest is lost. I hope I am wrong.

I want a mature relationship. What I thought I had and what I actually have... are featuring a growing divide I am increasingly more and more able to discern.

I have the power to regenerate, to regrow lost limbs and reattach severed body parts. I can return the dead back to life.

I cannot mend a broken heart though. Only time may do that.
I want someone I can occasionally hold in my arms and we can talk about things, with whom we can share intimacy. This is not that.

I wish she would talk to me. I wish I could confide in her.
I fear she would not understand.

I go into the mists and crusade alone against the greater mist horrors, bombarding them with positive energy and divine wrath... in spite of my life feeling empty.

Relentlessly attacking unnatural things does not fill this hole in any sort of a lasting way.

I hate that feeling of being entirely alone with no one else to understand in the core or who can tell me, "Cristan, I have been through a similar thing."
I must be strong for the both of us. It is evident she cannot handle or take bad things happening to me well.

Give Veronika time. Ignore Jayden's rudeness and treatment of people as things that may be of fleeting benefit to him but not as people.
Tough things out, reward or no... Difficult though it may be.

Forgive them Lord and Protector, oh Peacebringer... For they know not what they do when they hurt one another.

Jayden is not what he presents himself as. He is no chivalric knight. He only cares for himself. The second something or one shinier comes along you are treated as yesterday's refuse.

People who tell me they feel I am undeserving of Yutow's blessings for not being perfect, they don't understand. Yutow is not a paragon of perfection. He was an imperfect God in an imperfect world who in desperation used imperfect methods to solve a far from perfect situation. He gave of Himself to the benefit of all others around Him. It was the ultimate act of self-sacrifice on His part which ended the Pacification war and forever changed our jungle.

I miss the sensations and experience of Veronika sitting in my lap straddling to face me, whispering in my ear I was the king of her jungle, with her cute Barovian accent. That feels almost a lifetime ago. There was a time when we would cuddle, and joke; When I suppose were made a bunch of promises that seemingly ring empty right now at this point.

I hate to think it was all an act and she wanted something, an idealized invincible male protector rather than a very human and loving partner, but there is a part of me that has lingering doubts as to that she truly cares. If she cannot be at my side and does not wish to converse... This is not giving it time though.

Does she care about me and about us? There is some indirect evidence she may. Yutow give me patience with this girl!
I cannot feel, touch or interact with her in any sort of way and it is as though we are not in any relationship at all.
What a very strange way to purportedly treat someone you claim to love; To punish him for missing you and to scold, scold, scold.
Does she not understand I am (of course) not proud of the death my folly had caused but am proud that I did the right and honorable thing in seeking his next of kin to offer making reparations?
His lesson of compassion and survival is sadly rather lost on these outsiders. I can put my faith and trust in the God of my ancestors but not even in one who said she wanted marry me and bear my children?  Nor can I place it in one who lied and said we would be as brothers for sharing battle in "the good fight."
Thank you Peacebringer for presenting me this lesson in man's frailty.

[Silas Rotleaf]

Yutow's blessings...
I wonder whether to work on fighting while blinded or on desperation attacks next.

It felt good to interact with people again after so many runs through the mistways alone, blasting greater most horrors with positive energy.  I have a decent amount of divine magic at my disposal... but my personal life is in shambles.*

There are holes that you simply can't fill by slaying monsters.
I am hurting.
I am... Lonelier than one might think.

Before being told to get over it you have to understand the role I was raised to take on since birth.
Moarnekone in Valachani society are counsellors, advisors, mediators and arbitrators of community disputes. We are very much instruments of community and enforce social cohesion.

To be so very cut off without loved ones or any to care about is... Causing of a grave psychological wound.  We need networks of friends and families to function properly. A clergy does not exist in the way it was meant to without companions.

Community is vibrant. It is community that makes social hegemony.  There is no society without people working together.  Stripped of that we are as animals lashing out at one another.

I was very isolated as a child from the other children for having the abilities that I did. We are a very rigid society with distinct castes of peasant farmer and hunter or fisherman, soldier, priest and noble.  The clergy however is the one class allowed to interact with the others to an unregulated extent unheard of and taboo in the others.  Never quite belonging but very much a part of our system... This is what it means to be a Moarnekone.

Unlike the others in Valachani society priests are not as rugged individualists as the outdoorsmen.  We are a literate caste and spend time poring over documents, solving people's problems, conferring with each other and pondering the wisdom of our Word and the ancients.

I do not wish to be selfish or appear needy. I am hurting inside. The extreme isolation of being the only of your kind is very palpable. Having a differing values system from most of those around you can lead to strife, misunderstandings and unnecessary extra conflicts.  It does not mean one should never bother trying to understand others. Far from it!

What it means is often we are alone and that the only person you can really rely on, he or she whom you must come to understand very well both their strengths and weaknesses is yourself.
You will most often be in company of yourself. By yourself. With yourself.
The sporadic interactions with others bring a splash of color into this bleakness.

It feels wrong somehow that as you gain in power, wealth and strength this tends to alienate those around you. Those same people who get frustrated at your needing assistance from being too weak when you started out on your path.
Know who your true friends are.  They are there for you in both the good and the bad times.

The priesthood's duties are threefold; we give guidance mediating disputes between the classes, perform rites and rituals of bonding, blessing and curse removal and we combat the unnatural hazards presented by lycanthropes and the undead.

The bottom line is it is we who commune with spirits reliably and interpret Yutow's will. We are given power over plants and animals above and beyond that of the average man.

*I would like the relationship between Veronika and me to work, but if she will not spend time with me then how can it? I want us to get to know each other better. How can I communicate this to her though when she is only bare minimally present in my life and seems to resent being contacted?  These things make it feel like our relationship is a bad joke.
Am I to be a good times only friend or barely an acquaintance? I do not know what to think about us anymore but I miss how things were.
However, there were some earlier warning signs: There were those few other times she got cross with me and expected me to know things automatically without any learning curve.
When is the right time to advance? To retreat? This is frustrating and I do not like it.
Arlee and Elric explained to me Veronika wants me to be more assertive in our relationship, but to me it would seem I am not rewarded for doing so. Perhaps what she is saying she wants and what she actually wants have some overlap but are not quite identical in nature?
We cannot explore intimacy so long as she is not present in my life! This is a conundrum!

[Silas Rotleaf]

Jao.
Arlee, Elric and Th'rar are my friends.

I have helped Th'rar find happiness with Chloe. He was worried all would fear him for his strange power and that all female elves only liked female elves (this is not in fact a part of elven culture but a strange myth propagated by some in Degannwy) but I found an elf girl for him who is not afraid of strange things and they make a nice couple. He is her brave hero sword elf and it helps him feel welcomed for his talent instead of reviled. He has this ability to channel his anger and fight with the speed and power of several people or one that is many times larger than his size for brief moments. His volley of slashing and slicing keeps the monsters back away from her long enough for her to cast all sorts of energies.

I am becoming a more powerful priest and this is alienating to some. They know I am a man from a strange land actually within the core, that my people have a peculiar relationship with the Vistani they themselves do not have any hope to control* and that I can do such things as return the dead back to life with aide of diamonds as soul foci and remove many types of curses.

A wizard's magic is from the mind. A sorcerer's is from something they feel.
I think for priests and paladins we cast with our hearts.

*Honestly, we Valachani like them. These nomadic gypsies place emphasis on their communities and self sufficiency.

Arlee and Elric helped remind me I do have value and that if one is too stupid to realize this and I am pushed away for it they are perhaps undeserving of my company... During a moment when I was filled with self doubt. Not of the power in my deity and in my faith but somewhat in my ability to function properly as a human socially.

Not everything at every turn is to always have disastrous unforgivable social consequences. People are overly dramatic at much more minimal things than accidentally taking a man's life. I see there are people in Port-A-Lucine and parts of Borca who engender blood duels for something as simple as another attending the same party gala may have chosen to wear the same outfit as they did and oh no, there is a chance that other person may have worn it better.

There are people killing one another on purpose over perceived verbal slights... And they think we are the savages.
Violent narcissism is. Very dark rumor mongering designed to purposely get other people killed to remove them from your list of minor inconveniences getting between you and a personal, usually material goal. People who engage in such have no moral compass of concept of hegemony or altruism. They feel that consequences are for other people who are not them to have to deal with.

Every man... For himself? That is not enlightened self-interest and it is not eusocial.

[Silas Rotleaf]

I am less broken than I was but still not whole.
Being around friendly people has helped lessen the sting and impact of her prolonged absence. Her withdrawal from my life. The empty promises, the lack of presence and the neglect.

Also, Arlee got her voice back.
The Garda Private Sarbù has pointed out to me some safe places out of the way I can keep fiend and witch touched from getting into trouble during the day with the Vallaki township, people who are like my friend Geist who was born with goat-like horns on his head. There are wilds outside the edge of the city where it is alright for wildmen to camp, for example.

In some ways, Sarbù reminds me of a Moarnekone in that respect. He is trying to mediate disputes and dissipate conflicts between various factions in his city before they happen.

When I do finally get back to Ungrad I will have much wisdoms like these I have collected from others from various walks of life during my travels that will be of help in my job as an arbitrator. We Moarnekone apply the laws of our land and of our peoples' tradition and customs to mediate disputes, but that does not mean the outside world does not have anything useful to offer. I am gleaning so much knowledge and skill during this journey.
Takk Peacebringer.

[Silas Rotleaf]

If there is one thing I could tell upcoming new young acolytes it is that the loneliness can get to you.  When possible surround yourself in community.

Solve people's problems for them.  That howling isolation can be painful.
You have powers that few others are granted and a social mobility unheard of for the other social castes... Use them.

You don't have to traverse the "Demi-plane of Dread" entirely alone.
Make friends. Outsiders and outlanders can be worth getting to know. Well, some of them. At least sometimes.

We are a very social people, the Valachani. Lack of community stabs you in the heart and causes intense psychological pain. Do not... Be too isolated.
We lack the birth clan and grown up around family structure our mundane brethren are raised upon and are looked on in settlements as the entire village's older brother. The settlement becomes like your extended family.

Relationships are important. A great tree is not borne and supported without extensive branching roots at its base. Reach out to the folket.
You would not be able to support yourself alone. Churches are maintained by and we eke out a living based on donated tithes, or tiende to boost our meager subsistence. This is where humility comes in. Our chosen weapon is the humble sickle. More commonly it is looked on as a farming implement.

We defend the traditions and help guide our people through this new somewhat less-isolated age. The Kharkov family entrusts us with guiding the rest of their subjects through hard times of uncertainty and in their day to day difficulties in ways which soldiers and nobles are less likely to. We are counsellors, advocates, arbiters. We perform the roles of providing these mundane their spiritual guidance and act as rural magistrates.

Each Moarnekone's jurisdiction is a single town or village. We confer with our neighbors though when it is needed to do so.
There is folk wisdom that the best way to survive and to thrive in a harsh and unforgiving environment which will not hesitate to swallow you up then spit out your bones picked thoroughly clean is in working together.
===

In this time alone I have been thinking about things and I was happiest during that moment in time when Veronika told me she loved me, wanted to marry me and to bear my children.
I... Feel like we had a fairly nice thing going.
I drove her away. I could not stop bad things from happening to me and when she saw me at my most vulnerable state during my recovery she was repulsed.
Maybe she did mean it back then but it certainly doesn't feel like we still have a relationship when she does not want to spend time with me.  This is stupid.

I have to move on, go forward and let go... If it truly mattered to her she would find a way for us to be together. She does not and so:
What is, is and what is not, is not.
How can she know and how can I convey this to her when there is no communication? Ugh.
She did care. That was why she was so cross and also why she paid my resurrection fee that time she had found me dead.
This absence... Hurts somewhat and there is a hole I am not sure how to fill in the heart.
Whenever somebody asks me when our wedding is to be and how my fiancée is it hurts worse. I have to tell them I do not know. We do not spend time together. I have not seen her in some long time now and I am not sure if she is any longer interested in our relationship.

[Silas Rotleaf]

My friend Chloe and I went to the desert. We looked at the weird monsters in the tainted oasis of Apep.

She is a very cheerful and inquisitive person and as such is often excited to learn new things.
I am thinking probably Veronika is not going to come back.
Elric got arrested in Port-A-Lucine for being a lookalike to a robber the gendarmes are seeking! Arlee is understandably upset about this.

What does my heart desire? Companionship.
Power by itself is... Not all it is cracked up to be.
Likewise, wealth without people to share it with or to spend on is boring.

Wanting and yearning for, that is focusing on the one thing which you cannot have is a recipe for misery; It is a great way to make a personal hell for yourself.

[Silas Rotleaf]

I am lonely.
I do not understand how it is that outland outsiders cope with such isolation and estrangement from one another. Being so cut off from people is painful.
We Valachani are a communal society. Much is shared. We help each other in our villages.

Other couples enjoying each other's company around the fire in the mist camp and going on about love *is* causing my heart some pangs of grief for I do not have one whom I may cuddle with. I am not saying nor feeling other people should not have the happiness which I have been denied but I wonder... When will I get to have a piece of such things to be able to take part in?
When is my turn?

Fiends and trouble making spirits lure people with promises of greater power or things which they desire.  I am thinking if one were to seek tricking me into giving into it a clear cut way of doing so would be the empty/hollow promise of a wife. She would probably turn out to be a changeling monster and steal my skin perhaps.  Or even an ugly hag would be some company. Would this be better than no company? Well no, hags eat babies and I think kill their husbands.
Really having no relationship is much better than having a bad one. I should remind myself this.

[Silas Rotleaf]

It hurts inside.
I am more powerful in my divine magics now but inside me howls with an intense loneliness.

I thought Arlee was my friend. She like many others seems to overwhelmingly prefer the company and companionship of Jayden. I do not understand this. He is not nice to people. Why do people fawn over him?

I wish someone would like me. That would be nice. Instead I was getting mocked for being lonely and miserable and people acted as though I was hideous for being honest. It's not right. No, it is not.

He is cruel and manipulative. Does no one else notice?
The way he kept putting me down in front of everybody at the camp fire was not... No. This is not how an honorable person behaves.
Come on Arlee, see through it, please.

I want to move on but with nothing new happening and everything continuing to stay the same it is hard.

[Silas Rotleaf]

I feel I am on the verge of achieving something.
Not something interpersonal no but perhaps something intrapersonal.

[Silas Rotleaf]

Emptiness.

I have spent much time alone in the mists, as I have since Veronika dumped me.
I am still hurting and have had much time to think.
There is no salvaging the relationship. We are happier apart than we were together.

...Well, she appears to be. I am not.

I wish someone would you know, help me out of this mired bog of isolation and estrangement. I am trying to feel around in the dark and hazard my way through out of it.
Let's go through life, life goes on, go one day at a time.
How can I be the best Moarnekone I can be when there is not happiness in my life.  We are meant to be connected to the community around us. It is not a solitary position.
I am the only one of my people around for a great many kilometers in any direction.  And others, they cannot understand what that is like.

People don't understand. I come from a very social race of people.  Being so isolated is bad for us. Mentally we aren't equipped to handle such things. We are survivalists but we are a communal people and very big on sharing as well as helping each other.

This is emotionally quite painful.

In Valachan a man or woman has his or her village and family and extended family as well as their neighbors; Not so in other countries in the core and clusters!
There are no village elders, there is no clergy with which to train under or discuss tenets of our scripture with and I have had to make due and adjust. I have trained myself as best I can considering the circumstances.

Who do I turn to Yutow Peacebringer? Whether I want to or not I am likely the first and only Valachani most of these outsiders will experience interacting with in their lives and thus I represent my people always; It is a large responsibility.

[Silas Rotleaf]

I wander lonely. I do not think I would want Veronika back even if she offered herself up to me in a straightforward manner. The best way to get over her dumping me would be to get a new relationship but most people do not want to get to know me. My customs are too different from theirs.

I tire of the lies of the palefaces and how they do not mean what they say.
Yutow, You emphasize compassion even toward our enemies but when it comes to matters of the heart... Hmmn.
Well, we are meant to bear our suffering without complaint as You did and had.
I did not think this was meant to include emotional pain in addition to physical.
I was wrong. It does include psychological pain.

There was a point when Veronika said she felt she was my soulmate. The abrupt change in her demeanor and subsequent avoiding me would suggest otherwise. I cannot forget, I can only forgive.

They don't understand and don't want to understand my culture. If they would just give things a chance though...

These people do not. They get angry over generosity and second chances. The paleface can be very vindictive and petty.

[Silas Rotleaf]

...My name is Cristan Keldan. I am a Moarnekone of Yutow.

My God is the Peacebringer. I grew up in Ungrad, smallest of the three cities in Valachan. Valachan is the westernmost country in the Core. The core is the largest collection of clusters in the "Demiplane of Dread." The Demiplane of Dread is a dimensional sinkhole, a sort of purgatory nexus according to sages.

In addition to the nightmares I have of the last moments the man I killed by accident experienced, another episode haunts me.

I found a skull while wandering the mists alone... Wandering the mists as I have been want to do since Veronika dumped me. It seemed vaguely familiar so I raised it. It was a woman from my past and her memories were fragmented. As she regained her identity she told me she wanted to be with me, but then the mists swallowed her back up. Many small white hands pulled her away and I was by myself again.  Perhaps in spite of all my shaman powers the curse of having an animal soul means I will never have a good relationship with the opposite sex.

Why do all my girlfriends always turn out to be either insane, cannibals or highly death prone? Despite my powers I cannot hold a stable relationship. It is frustrating.

I found a lightning spark "double axe" as used by our wild tribesman cousins. I cannot use it but being a collector of Valachani crafts I had to have it. I will put it in storage, perhaps to claim later for use as a prize I can give to some deserving young champion.

She who could break my curse must still be out there somewhere, I just have not met her yet.

I have honed my training fighting the specters of wayward blasphemer souls. These fragments of people in the mist are terrible but I am learning of the secrets of this universe and bit by bit the puzzling arrangement begins to make sense; You see, the mist horrors and their trickery are no match for spiritual power and strength of heart.

... I accept your challenge accursed fog. I hope you continue to test me!

[Silas Rotleaf]

I gained a new skill but despite being much better able to fight things hidden and also which are only semi-tangible than I could before I still lack direction and companionship.

This broken life is unsatisfactory to me.

My powers as a shaman continue to increase, and yet...
People who do not know me but hear of my early mistakes (I have died a handful of times, once I killed a man by accident, I lost a relationship, and so on and so forth, etc.) declare me a fool and insist not really knowing but feeling in their jealous heartstrings, nae their black and yellow bile overfilled guts I am undeserving of these divine gifts and ought be stripped of them?! Such vindictiveness!
They do not understand the relationship I have with my deity and could not start to try to comprehend Him in His full splendor; His true nature is ineffable.

In Vallaki some insist I cannot possibly be a powerful shaman then try very hard to sweep under the rug when I use my power(s) to help them. It does not fit their mind map; They live in a very rigidly defined artificial world disconnected from nature and the realm of spirits which abound all around us at all times.

[Silas Rotleaf]

Had a very fun time with Arlee. I know she is Elric's girl but we get along well and I wonder sometimes*... Well I like them both but he is under house arrest of a sort for the indeterminate future. She and I found an entire second half to an old dungeon in Barovia village neither of us knew existed really... And I used my command over swarms of insects to make locusts gobble down devils. They crawled under the shut door and gnawed on the fiends until there wasn't anything left.

Spent time with Argali too. Also Edwina.
The mists ate my books but then spat them back out in pieces later and I have reassembled my scripture. My robes were destroyed too but providence smiled on me and I procured an even better set for quite cheap at Djiordi's.

*She's a half elf and such unions are frowned upon in the more traditionalist bent parts of my society but she's so nice and helpful and cute and stuff. It's not her fault she was born that way. Argh... What I really like is teaming up with her and Argali. We joke that Argali is Arlee with a G and Arlee is Argali without a G. I like my friends.
I call Argali little Miss Skogsra because she is filled with spirit.

[Silas Rotleaf]

I think I like Edwina and Caoimhe.
Hmm, there is much hostility and aggression erupting in the outskirts and Vallaki over tiny insignificant things which should not matter.
Chloe wanted to kill somebody over a stupid amulet of the Soukk and Kadar attempted to curse me using baleful polymorph and kept attacking in animal form but I do not feel that I did anything to invite such. It was claimed baselessly I was some sort of liability somehow despite being more powerful than him. The curse kept bouncing off me harmlessly which may have frustrated him further. Brock, Koltn and one other asked me and Edwina to help them and Kadar with the scrags. I do not understand why Kadar concentrated all his resentment on me and actually attacked his teammates. He postured at me earlier too and if I was a petty man, as so many are he would be put in the ground right now for it. I am not.

I am not sure what exactly is so wrong with people but I suspect it has something to do with not having any sort of healthy way of expressing and dealing with their emotions.

On the other hand I went to Luca's Fifth Day service to show support to my fellow priest friend. I am not an Ezrite but this did not preclude me from attending. I know that when you have to address a big congregation and are leading a mass for the first time it can be nerve wracking.

Victor who was rude to me before presented me with his sister who was suffering from a bizarre affliction the priestess in the Morninglord temple and some others had been unable to cure her of. I cast greater restoration and it left her body. Apparently the ghost spiders of the haunted monastery had both poisoned and drained her; The physical symptoms of the poisoning had been treated for but the underlying metaphysical soul drain had not.

They were both thankful.

So much ambient hostility is floating though.
Hunter thinks maybe Hadush and I aren't off in our guess a monster or curse may be responsible and told me there are certain types of fog that can affect moods, also supernatural creatures, psionic ones like the alhoon or an Aboleth can mess with people's minds and alter their behavior.
Sam thinks it is that these younger people may just be drunk on power.

I am a powerful shaman and yet... I never really saw that power as a reason to be a jerk to people. I don't consider myself better than the mundanes. I work with fighters and wildmen a lot. They are the muscle. I always tell people when they say they think my magic is strong, no - I am simply bringing out what you already have to make you stronger... and then people get angry, petty and vindictive over it.
I will not pretend to understand the full irrational reasoning but I suspect it has to do with the young wanting to assert themselves over the old in order to usurp their place. I'm not even that old but I am perceived as such?

I am fairly indisputably a powerful shaman and good at breaking curses people have put on them, but I do not pretend to know everything there is to know. I can do abjurations up to the seventh circle and command a vicious swarm of biting, stinging insects to attack my enemies.
All this shunning is quite idiotic.

I cure people of the horrible draining effects of undead touch and poison and this is how they choose to say thank you for it?
These morons accuse me of being selfish or greedy when I give to them endlessly. I turn aside their angry outbursts, and yet...

... Love and doom are around the corner, I just know it.

I have signed up for a position in a play being put on by the Broken Bell Theater, too.

[Silas Rotleaf]

I don't think these people understand.
They misrepresent me grossly with their own biases and are prone towards violence, obviously.

This however is not to be defended as simply the way of things.
It is not every man for himself. Cooperation *IS* important.

[Silas Rotleaf]

My heart pangs in a way I do not think others would be able to understand.

I am scolded for performing the function which it IS my ordained role to perform even for my close friends by idiot outsiders who have no idea of that which they speak.

Then there are still others, sweet others like Avana...

[Silas Rotleaf]

Oh woe is me, she is essentially loin girded in an adamantine chastity belt.
Still less insane than the exes though... And the hugs are nice.
Did not mean to frighten the Tormtar by revealing what I knew about the true dire severity of curses, vampirism and lycanthropy in this world. I just thought she should know the seriousness of what we are dealing with around here.

She did appreciate it and I told her we'd train to get stronger and she seemed to like that. I told her my motives transparently are because I like her and don't really want to see her become a monster or any of the other nasty things that can happen to people in this world. She thanked me and gave me a hug.

Then I staggered out of the inn at around midnight and was set upon by a pack of greater wererats. They got me good. I lay there face down on the ground in a pool of my own blood for I don't know how many hours. Didn't have my weapon out or armor on. Lucky I managed to come to without bleeding out. Gathered my wits, stumbled over, leaned against a wall and casted regenerate. The bones resetting themselves and torn sinews mending are as painful as they are unsettling.

However, time and time again, this spell has saved both my life and the lives of other people, giving them a second chance from grave injury or near death.

It is a very potent healing spell.

The spells I use to protect others and to break curses are called abjuration, I am told. I knew that.

I wonder how Marcus is doing. It has been some time since I last heard from him. Maybe the old wizard found his way out of the mists? No, knowing him he is doing ethnography and probably some sort of magical experiments or other. He helped teach me how to cast defensively during a magic duel; the art of counterspelling.

[Silas Rotleaf]

I had a double date with Avana and Anaralia (by which I mean I took both of them out at once). We made it a quest to sample every type of sweet there was in Port and I write this entry snuggling in the room of the hotel with them. I also helped gird one and arm the other with superior equipment to what each had been using up to that point. Two happy women, with two full tummies knowing they are safe and being provided for.

I enjoyed pampering them lavishly. One problem now though... I am very low on money.
They want to live in Port. I hope this won't derail anybody's training and it probably won't. Neither of them know Mordentish though. I do and I can translate for them... And some people have offered to teach them, including myself.
I like these two women. And they seem to like me, and to like each other... So that's good. You know, I feel really relaxed and like aside from the low bank account that life is pretty good.

I promise because I love them, that I'm not going to let anything really bad happen to either of them. Yutow's ever watchful eye help this paladin and elf.

I know unions between humans and elves are bad luck. I don't want to produce half elves with her I just like both these women. They are from Faerun. Ana is from Evermeet and... I'm not sure exactly which part Avana is from.

I think one of the Moarnekone back in Valachan is a half elf... I just need to remember which city or thorpp it was.

Avana says she doesn't want marriage and Aranalia I think I am not sure but she is one of those outlanders who is determined to escape the mists. This is fine. I show them my love and I help guide them. If anybody might happen to change their mind later... I will not object. And for what it's worth, it feels really good to be less alone. I enjoy their companionship. And the hugs and kisses are a bonus on top of that.

[Silas Rotleaf]

Team building!
I am a Moarnekone!

Must devise training regimen for the girls to help them become stronger and more powerful.  Feast day and potlach was great fun, but we need a plan and to stick to our group pact. I am to look after them and care for the two as I said I would.
I am the one who is native to this world. They are... Very vulnerable being that neither of them are terribly familiar with all the dangers of this plane.

Avana and Anaralia trust me. It is imperative that they remain safe and nurtured in order to thrive. They have been dealt a bad cosmic hand to be sent here but we shall make the best of it.

So, the task in front of me, Yutow willing and broken down into tangible sections is two-fold: 1. Financing this whole operation and the three of us,
and,
2. Helping my little darlings get those skills they need to survive in this incredibly harsh environment so different from the homeworld they are from.
On the latter, I'm not out of the woods yet but the paladin of Torm and the sorceress show promise. It definitely seems I made the right choice investing in those two.

Strategy playbook:
Avana is front line. Prioritize boosting her defense so she can last longer in battle.
Anaralia is the caster. Ideally she needs a clear shot while she is in a protected position to take the most advantage of her powers.
As the healer, I should be in the middle so that I can be in range to heal them both at the same time when and if the enemies do break our defense-line all the better I can keep them both standing so that the girls can keep going.

[Silas Rotleaf]

I feel like maybe the girls take me for granted.
Does my friendship matter to them?
Do they understand how dangerous this realm is?
Are they going to just take my kindness as a steady given?

Okay I'm not a paladin. That doesn't mean I'm going to corrupt Avana and Naraldur from being holy fighters. Sheesh.
How come I am good enough to be a guide, translator and quartermaster for Avana, Anaralia and Naraldur but not to socialize with? That hurts...

You can't protect the people as a champion of them if you are afraid to have any relationships. You are of the people and with the people!; That's not a weakness, it is a strength.
For me divine power is to do with caring about the people around me.

It is because I love them I am able to put out so much positive energy to heal injuries and harm the undead.

I do not feel... Much appreciated by these three Faerunians.
They need to understand that this world is not their Faerun. Also, mistaken assumptions can be quite deadly.
Ana for instance did not understand why it costs money for the diamonds used as spell components in the ritual to raise a dead person and for resurrection.

Most of these outlanders and foreign interlopers do not understand what true community is! I, as a Moarnekone shall teach it to you! For why you should care for one another! However, at times this act of teaching can be very painful to me.

[Silas Rotleaf]

Lovely Avana.
So it turns out she does have some feelings towards me.
I told her I knew it wouldn't be right for me to keep her since she isn't of this world and still has lots of crusading to do back on her own one and we shared a kiss.

I've never met a girl like her before. It must be the paladin thing. She's very righteous but without being overly self-righteous. She's had a darker past she told me but you know, to me that doesn't make me like her any less. She's been through and seen evil's pull before, ultimately resisting or turning away from it.
Me, I walk a decidedly middle line between the two extremes.

I am thinking of more intermediate and advanced places I can show Avana, Anaralia and Naraldur and getting a feel for their strengths and weaknesses. These are all things to keep in mind when guiding these young heroes.

My own shortcomings are three: 1. My direction sense when it comes to specific geography of certain regions is not great. I get lost in the amber wastes and should make markers like my tracker friends do. Those seem to make navigating easier. I also forget to bring water and end up being parched. Note to self: Remember to bring water when setting out for desert treks.

2. Womanizing: Perhaps as a result of being taken from my parents at a very young age and the strict at times brutally abusive upbringing I was subsequently raised with in order to awaken my shamanic abilities I take solace in more carnal pleasures. I have a panther soul. That's kind of normal for us to have strong appetites of the nonliteral sort.

3. Vanity: I do not pretend I am without flaw but I know that I ooze sensuality while being physically easy on the eyes. My more unusual features of having numerous facial piercings and bile yellow eyes don't seem to detract from this very much.

[Silas Rotleaf]

Once I killed a man by accident.
I sought out his family to offer reparations.
They forgave me.
Some people continue to hold that against me though and I get that.
Oh, you aren't perfect; Let's shun you for that to draw attention away from our own flaws and sins.

[Silas Rotleaf]

People are stupid. They assume much and condemn based on false evidence often through their own clouded judgment.
I feel the blood of so many mis-tried people pulsing as though by an insane alien heartbeat. This is entirely unnatural. I try to turn it from my head.
In my heart I know it is a cancer that spreads across peoples in societies.
This lying to screw over the other person for temporary gain is most disgusting.
Drawn to its most extreme outcome this pattern rends entire civilizations.
Who am I to judge? Well, I seek neutrality and camaraderie. I am sex positive, arcane magic negative and pledged to destroy undead and lycanthropes.
I have honed my abilities to turn incorporeal undead now. I am gifted at channeling positive energy.
People do not understand that what makes me a powerful healer and conduit for this... It is specifically because I care about people.
I love them and that in its fundamentally basic form is empowering.

When I ward and boost someone, I am merely bringing out their more advanced potential temporarily ahead of time. They already possessed the skill. I am just helping them tap into it better. That is how I like to look at blessing someone.

I am strongly criticized for being prideful, accused of arrogance or even a lack of compassion but the thing is, I do have my honor and traditions. I as a reform priest try to take the best of the old ways and adapt them successfully to new times and situations. You could not begin to hope to understand what that entails or is like.

Don't you begin to understand now brother, sister, mother, father - child, neighbor, stranger and friend? Working man, poor man, rich man, all but not dead man...

Yutow the Provider is dead; Long live Yutow the Peacebringer.

It is His will that we attempt things harmoniously and to help defend against unrestrained nature in all its unmerciful horribleness, its terrible greatness.

This does not mean bow down to any threat. This does not mean kow to your enemies meekly. Let your faith be a mighty war cry against chaos and imbalance. It boosts morale. It tethers the soul in our many reincarnation cycles.

[Silas Rotleaf]

When Avana and I chugged Vistani love potions... Okay that was silly.
We do like each other though.

I feel on the verge soon of reaching the next circle too.
I think one of the things I like most about her is how she is not a damsel in distress; there is definitely something very appealing to me about a woman-at-arms.