The Panther in the moon:

[Silas Rotleaf]

I simply... don’t feel much sense of belongingness ever. I’m a core native too but I get treated like an outsider because my people’s culture is quite different from that of the peoples in many of the other nations in the core.

I wonder what it would be like to sign onto the crew of either a merchant trade vessel or a pirate ship and explore the Sea of Sorrows or the Nocturnal Sea.

Love and friendship seem to both evade me.  I have the respect of my adventurer peers but that can only take a man so far.  Things feel stale.

Fate is mandated from above and not to be questioned. Perhaps this lonely misery is my curse. I was taken from my parents, given away to be raised by the elder priests of my church.  When other children were learning to hunt and trap and physical pursuits like farming, fishing, being a lumberjack, smith, carpenter or tailor and how to leatherwork, I devoted my days to learning the written word, I spent my hours doing much theological study, performing our ancient aptitude tests, passing rites given to me by the elders.  The elders did it to bring out my shaman potential.

I do not blame them but it leaves a legacy of certain deficits...

I’ve picked up tailoring and will resume smithing... eventually I will start leatherworking...
Which reminds me of Arlee.  I remember happy hours fetching raw ingredients for the little minx of a person and watching her craft. I get the feeling she is gone and not coming back... That, or I drove her away and she is not coming back.
I wanted someone and had certain needs that no one is going to be willing to fulfill. I miss her friendship at times.

 I was openly mocked and attacked in hostile fashion by some for admitting these things (loneliness, longing and so on) openly.  Being the only one of your people and lacking your own tribe is pretty hard.

There are many other interesting adventurers out there and I have yet to meet one I have really been able to connect with.

I thought she and I had something and maybe we even did but this was wishful thinking leftover from my youth.  I am 35 going on 36.  If any sort of thing between myself and others had been meant to happen perhaps it would have already??

Maybe I should just concede defeat and go to the university to be a human specimen for some exhibit.

I can’t really explain these things to Th’rar or Ly’in. I don’t think the elven couple I am friends with would understand. Even if they tried.
It is... a lack of depth present in my life.  I go through the motions when we raid crypts or hunt monsters in caves.

Lexington too came from a communal society. His he told me had very grand cities and lives ona much larger sphere than this demiplane.  I... he seems well adapted to life in these cities. I struggle.

Before one says relationship with your patron deity is all one needs that trite platitude annoys the crap out of me.  I want... to function as if not a community leader then at least a valued advisor or second in command perhaps to some mercenary company or treasure hunting salvager group?

I feel very expendable. Too unique to be able to fit in with these people most of the time. Born different. I don’t think this being special makes me necessarily better than these people.  I loathe some of their selfishness, material greed and propensity to violence toward one another.

What would make me happy? Do I deserve to seek happiness? Is this an inherent thing for all people as a basic motivational drive? I am no alienist.
I’d like to talk to one though, so in order to find one I should stomach it down and head to that university, much as I loathe these northern academic types.

Something has to change. Somehow.  This sameness all the time far from bringing a comforting certainty... my status quo of things being lacking is... frustrating at best.

[Silas Rotleaf]

There are others ripped away whom I wonder about...

And I am told very often, we do not want you.
Well... to hell with that. Who cares of your comfort you selfish shits?!
I do. I try to make things better for these people.
My snake and my toad do not judge me the way these travelers do... well, Orm cannot talk and Battletoad... has other things on his strange alien mind. I say ‘his’ but these slaad (is the plural of it slaadi?) seem to possess both male and female parts.

I wonder why I put myself through such things to go through the motions.  Some way to be more involved would be nice.

[Silas Rotleaf]

Happiness will not come to me.  I have to make it for myself...

[Silas Rotleaf]

Things which should be are not.

Conversely, things which should not be, are.

Where did it all go wrong?
Everyone else seems to have gotten much more powerful than I am and in relatively short time.

This lack of connectedness is really taxing me and I don’t think...,
Well, I don’t know how much further I am going to be able to continue with no bonds.

Strength in identity is diluted but also solidified when you are the only one of your kind around.

I wish I would stop being on the periphery, that there was more going on in my life.

Being so very removed from everyone else around me does not feel good.

Nothing will welcome you with open arms.  Everyone rubs in your face their clubs, guilds, factions and associations and they tell you to submit to their will as price of initiation.

They demand an abject humility, a fawning servile attitude that is disgusting.

They attack you for being “proud” and “arrogant” for not playing this game, this ritual show of obedience to their less than true authority... are their senses of worth so fragile, their positions so truly weak they need this show of piety performed regularly as though they are a king and you are their slave,... in order to assert that their framework of reality which is subjective, that it must indeed be correct?

I submit to Yutow Peacebringer, my Ghostly Lord in the sky and to Baron Kharkov, the terrestrial Lord of my people’s land.

...and you, my friend, are not they.

You who are not they have no business attempting to order me around.  You are not some great chief and respect is earned. So many petty chiefs, tyrants, hiding behind their institutions, their organizations... using their titles to demand fealty. Or what?

I nor they owe each other any real explanation. This is simply the way of things.  Both the things which are natural and the things which they have set up, those things which are artificial.

[Silas Rotleaf]

When I was raised by our elders, I was taught our traditions and many things important to being a spiritual healer and a lore keeper.

I was taught things about our creation story, our holy lord in the sky and his mortal servant, our lord of the land.



Let me tell you of the beast lords, too. The messengers of the chief in the sky, the ghost chief, Yutow our lord in the night sky.

Brother Panther, wisest of animal spirits and Yutow’s self-proclaimed best friend was whom of the beast-lords came forward with the daring plan that ended the pacification wars. Together they devised the ritual to merge the invading Vaasans and original Valachani.

We know what happened because of it: The hearty aboriginal rootstock and efficiently organized, tactically genius stems and leaves would be grafted together into a superior hybrid which thrived on the fertile soil of our land ending this dark time and bringing about a harmonious advancement.

We thrive together well beyond the means of what our warring ancestors could do apart.  Put another way, we understand the value of working together and not completely against the nature which is something that escaped our forebearers, locked as they were in all-encompassing conflict.


I am proud servant to our two lords, both the mortal one and our eternal lord.

Our country is small but our cities are overall comparable to others. I would say Ungrad is perhaps physically half as big as Vallaki, for example.

Peoples in the Northwestern core think us savages but our architecture techniques, our basketweaving and our carpentry are good.  Nor is our masonry bad; Our structures endure well considering the harsh environment we call home.
A good many of our buildings erected prior to the Great Upheaval still stand.

Our longhouses, sweat lodges and cabins are nice. I love our redwood and I love our stone.  It has a great aesthetic: Sturdy, yet flexible. That is how we too as a people must be in order to survive, you see.


Our people are not perfect. No people are. We try our best. We carve our civilization out from an unforgiving landscape, we deal with bristling and prickly neighbors.

[Silas Rotleaf]

I have begun work on the very important Yutow Codex.

I will set up a meeting these poofs who call themselves scholars at their cloistered university or their book club perhaps and I will translate this great work of my people into High Mordentish.  This will preserve our culture even if we ourselves as a people become wiped out; spoken word dies with a people but written word endures for long past when that people may no longer tread the earth.

I must find “college of divinities” and the ones who call themselves anthropologists.  Alternatively perhaps the Societié de Erudites might be of some help?

[Silas Rotleaf]

I must begin my work scribing down the Yutow Codex.
I purchased a signet ring too in anticipation of inviting people to hear a talk about it.

I have not found a venue yet though so I am getting a bit ahead of myself, as usual.

Likely there is not sufficient interest in my people, our religion and culture to draw a broad enough audience to justify such.

Why do I keep struggling to talk about Yutow and Valachan to people to whom my people and country are simply not real?  What happens there does not usually day to day immediately effect outsiders in the larger core.

Our only neighbors we sometimes trade with, Mordent and Sithicus I think largely see us as wild savages not to be trusted.  Relations are strained. Somebody likes it being this way.
Mordent and Sithicus are somewhat removed too but those places at least people can have more regular contact with here in the larger core.

You don’t often run into Valachani adventurers. Most of us never stray too far out of our jungle homeland aside from a few traders and the occasional raiding party.

I wonder if my people have any way of knowing what has happened to me and if any of the Baron’s agents can relay report of me back home.  I’d like to think I am doing my nation proudly but I am just a priest and an adventurer. I am not a diplomat. I do not represent my people’s governing body outside of the village I come from.  The only reason I represent us to outsiders at all is because my people get so rarely encountered.

I try to present our virtues so I can be a “model minority.”

What are Valachani virtues you may ask?:

1. We work hard.
2. We are friendly toward strangers.
3. We treat our women well (something *some* other nations might really benefit from adopting in their domestic policy!).
4. You could also say we are not afraid of getting our hands (and boots) dirty from the elements.
5. We praise self-sufficiency but are also *highly* sociable.

[Silas Rotleaf]

I could not cram all of our people’s history into one journal so I have compiled it into three volumes. I finished two of them getting through the mythic early era and classical period. Now I just have the modern period remaining.

The offer of a date with Arleena sounded sweet and not just because there would be cake.
Also, I briefly saw a woman from one of the Valachan villages at the mist camp. That is very heartening... maybe if more of my people are coming through the mistway has begun to open again?!

I have gotten sucked into a web of drama and danger with Avana who it seems is worried she has gotten in over her head but also has an unhealthy affinity toward the mists being quite fixated on them. She lost her squire to them and they prey on her mind. I have heard of this happening to people before.

She told me she has been catching up to being in our world again after what she figures has been two months but felt like it had been two decades within the mists.

Understandably in her coherent moments she is colder than I remember.
That was her pattern the time we lost in the harvest temple too.  She is quick to call up my past failures back when I was weaker; The shields I give are stronger now but they cannot undo the mistakes of the past.

I bought our elf mage Serina crimson dragonhide bracers and a firebrand scroll to up her defense and firepower. Like many mages she is running around in what appears to be a cloth robe and I fathom this cannot be very good physical protection.

I do not understand the way of mages because they are taboo amongst my people. She is of a different people though and therefore since she is also not a necromancer that, her being an elf, they are an inherently magical people so to expect her to follow my people’s customs to the letter is not reasonable.  It did feel strange going into a wizard shop to buy scrolls though, I will not lie.

[Silas Rotleaf]

Still working to unlock the ninth divine circle.

The Valachani woman’s name is Andras and she is a tribeswoman from beyond the settlements. She likes climbing trees, worships Yutow as any proper Valachani should and oddly enough also tends to refer to herself in only the third person. She did express a possible interest in attending an open air night service I will hold in the mist camp. I need to find Ly’in and explain to her the duties of priest and disciple in this glorious, momentous set of ceremonies. We lack a church building but praying outdoors is encouraged so with a portable shrine I make due!

I’m getting closer, but slowly. The third volume of the Yutow Codex which covers through to the modern age is waiting for me to write it.

I met some more strange offworlders, a mage and a thief this time, both rather cute. Anyway... I have a lot of ground to cover but once I obtain the ninth circle... then it will all be worth it I think.

I use these powers I was granted to do right by the god of my ancestors and be a mediator, a judge and reconciler, the sort of councilor a Moarnekone is intended to be... as best I can when ripped away from my village and with so few others of my people around anywhere nearby most of the time.

[Silas Rotleaf]

Not quite there yet but it’s closer. Fought devils with Hadush, Grugg’Thokk and Ayame. Fought werecrocodiles and desert trolls with Nathaniel, Morfindel, Alessandra and Nastia. Fought fishmen with Rozira.

[Silas Rotleaf]

The young female wizard seems to have developed some feelings toward me!
I... am not sure how to feel about that. Obviously pleased but also a little dismayed because she is a wizard.

Finances are steady. I would like to accumulate 100,000 gold pieces though for... reasons. I currently possess 15,000.

85,000 remains to be earned.

Spoiler: show

What reason? A sizable dowry perhaps?

Hmm! Progress toward the ninth circle is still in progress but my facility with the eighth circle divine magics mass death ward and lion’s roar seem steady.
Seventh circle mass negative energy protection, but especially mass spell resistance have saved my and my group’s lives many times.

I am attempting to learn a new and more powerful way of doing my invocations as well at the same time.

Each glyph I scribe... each passage I think over... brings me a step closer to unlocking it.

[Silas Rotleaf]

I seek the advice of my spirit animal guardians.

I do hope I can unlock the vaunted ninth circle soon as I continue to pray, meditate and practice.

I am closer but not quite there yet.

                       

I am not exactly sure how much longer this will take.
Rozira says she believes in me though.

I believe strongly in the power of the spirits and Yutow as the spirit-king.

Can I believe in myself? Well, I’ve gotten this far.

All is possible through Him.

[Silas Rotleaf]

It feels a tad strange being happy for a change of pace.

Not having to fake it.

For the first time in a long time the longingness abates and as I suspected it was actually very simple.

The desire for companionship and the reactionary “Eww, no! Learn to be satisfied being by yourself while watching others have all of their bonds!” response which caused me so much disconnect... for once is not so everpresent.

Without the distraction of this particular misery I feel that I can truly grow.

...For now that part of my beast aspect is sated...

[Silas Rotleaf]

She loves me. ...and I care for her.

Much as I care for any of the others I am charged with protecting, intervening and mediating for but on a perhaps more personal level because she said she cares about me. The person. Like, not just for being shaman spirit nagual, but Cristan the man.



It has been a long time since I have last felt that way.

She also told me of her Lord a bit. That he is a very dangerous man with vast resources and that I should definitely show some strong respect and deference toward him. I will but not through out of supreme fear but out of how much I care for her. She serves him after all. Were our positions reversed I know she would not be rude to my Lord in Valachan.



I am physically unable to fear anything less than a horde of pit fiends so I suppose if I have to I will pretend he is a horde of them in order to elicit an appropriate response?



I am told fear is a very important part of her church’s culture.

I keep thinking... and I keep wondering... and I know things, but have much left to still learn...

[Silas Rotleaf]

Still not quite there yet.

I vaguely think I may have felt a certain presence briefly, unlike [most of] the other ones.

Go away! I am happy now.

...and yet, it was not so completely unfamiliar to me.

Dear Rozira and I protect ourselves and each other from users.

The lingering sweet smelling breath creeping down the back of my neck as I try to rest at times???

[Silas Rotleaf]

A new enemy appears.

One that seems furious we choose not to be afraid of it.
I am... not strong enough to defeat it yet.

The stupid thing tried preying on Native Barovian superstitions very insistently despite that neither of us are Barovians.

I tried explaining that those who worship the Nocturnal Lord, the Lunar Dead God do not fear the undead and that it is thoroughly imbecilic to expect us to be able to fear the night.

Certainly we can fear monsters, that part actually makes sense.  We are taught though from an early age not to fear our own death too much so very much of her monologue about the terrors and how we were tormenting, taunting the powers of the night to be traveling at dusk were wasted breath.

It was a hard fight and she was... more powerful than us. I got a slight brief upper hand and slew her minion but that dirge attack is brutally nasty. I cannot be forced to be afraid by her.

My mental training is such that it does not work very well. Anything short of a roaring pit fiend no longer evokes such a response in me and I have been at that stage for months now. Many of her enchantments aside from the dazing fizzled off me. Too late she adapted dispelling tactics but dawn drew buying us time.
She claims mount Baratak is her domain. What an arrogant creature.

Rozira and I saved each other and I resurrected Lance whom this vampiresse’s enforcer had cleaved to bits with a two handed sword.  We sicken and are tired of the arrogance of Vallaki monsters... even the undead in this region have become quite sanctimonious blowhards. I don’t think our foe this past night cycle was of local stock though.

 So it is that we have hit the road again and are back to training.
I had never seen an attack like that supernatural dirge before. So much blue unnatural corrupting fire.

The tactics though... why do vampires seem to always congregate around the fishing lodge? That is werewolf territory. Mt. Baratak and the Terg complex make sense as the heart of the mountain pours near constant effluent negative energy miasma. Why such proximity to the werewolves though?

This undead bardic vampire is not the beast that stalks me in my dreams and the moments between wakefulness and slumber where I am unalert, yet present.  She is not that which haunts in the Dreamtime.
Rozira witnessed our exchange as I fought the vampiress with my every last fiber of my being and was impressed by my staring death in the face and managing to spit in its haughty eye despite it handing my ass to me. I think she is the right one.

My claws twitch. Memory of the claws-of-the-savage trembles within my achingly tired fingers. We dress each other’s wounds and begin training anew in the next few days. I used greater restoration, remove curse, neutralize poison and remove disease on the area which the vampiress had bitten Rozira. The most powerful abjurative cures I can muster for curses and supernatural diseases and her health has improved. *I wish there was a way we could swap imbue our blood with the same properties as holy water...*

I am not a hero.  Excessively being preoccupied with conventional ideas about good and evil has oft struck me as idiotic.

Finally a worthy foe.

Someday soon Death Singer, you will be singing your own death song.
I look forward to getting stronger and my darling one growing more powerful so that things will be more evened in the next arena we inevitably encounter this foul overly-egotistical fiend.

[Silas Rotleaf]

I study and meditate........................ while I pray.

The turmoil of this world and having to repeatedly be the one to bury my friends of other ones because they were not adept enough at surviving our harsher one weighs heavily on me.

Let us ponder the words of the Peacebringer and our ancients.

This will be a mental journey for me while Roz is away on her mission.
I hope it goes well.  I will be praying for her.

In the meantime, let us look at the inner space.

Hello loneliness. I will fight to conquer the inner void-beast... once and for all. I accept your challenge.


Thats right... you are throwing down with me now and I am a moarnekone.

An inner daemon, vile and insidious I have grappled with my entire life. Let me take you on, head on. This quest? An internal and spiritual one, not physical.

Spoiler: show

Ooc I have a month suspension to wait out. As an author and actor this felt like a good conclusion to Cris’s story right now while I wait the sentence out to have him go on another vision quest, straining through dreams and unresolved crud from his past to the present on his own terms. It is a battle of heart and mind plus soul, rather than actual combat. We can say he is wrestling with inner stuff doing this during the month player banishment.  Thanks everybody, you’ve been great and I’m glad I got the chance to finally play the long game and get a character to as high a level as I could get on my cleric.

[Silas Rotleaf]

... AND NOTHING.

The reward is nothingness?
Nothingness is the state of not existing and being empty of life. Nothing... as in lacking a thing which is wanted or desired. No one. This is the same but for people.  That is the bitter reward for a life of service.  It is not right but who am I to question fate.
We are powerless.

The height of my power is reliant upon other people and community bonds. My spiritual gifts are because I care about other people. They do not share or reciprocate though, so I must simply do so for its own sake.  From serious meaning to seemingly meaningless...

Perhaps this is just the strongest trial of all Yutow. Fine world and universe plane,... bring it.

Hmm, fate is conspiring to return me to Barovia; There is nothing left for me in Dementlieu.