I never was one for keeping journals, but this letter I write should the worst happen. If you're reading this you may be cause of my death.
Everything I do is to make us whole again. I have said these words time and time again. It is my creed. I promised myself that I would become an abomination if that is what it took to change my world and save my family. I also promised that I would never become the monster the world wanted of me.
What, then, separates men from monsters? From Beasts? I believe it is two things: A Code and a Family
This is my code. It is pieced together from the laws of my village where we had no other weapon but magic and the bodies of our ancestors who gave themselves willingly to give our community a chance to survive. To hide and hopefully outlive the Arkaeduval Empire that would enslave and burn our homes. I have no illusions that I am not an abomination. That I committed to taboo research that the gods themselves may find abhorrent. But everything I did, and do if I live again, has a purpose. Everything I did was to make us whole again. I entered this world as a cripple and faced the horrors of Barovia. The Vampire Macerak, Neuri, a drow vampire. To achieve my goals, to save my family and my people, I needed to be more than a Cripple.
The Code:
No spilling the blood of the innocents.
No unwilling creation of undead, the exception is those convicted of capital offences.
No trapping the souls of anyone, same exception.
The powers of the arcane are a tool to be used, just as any other instrument.
Do good whenever possible.
Everything else can be set aside when the lives of my friends and family are at stake.
I have already faced the limits of my code, the constraints I try to live by. I am not sure if I will be able to keep it but it is for my family that I strive to. I will never be a monster.
I am truly homeless. So far in the Core I have found countries and people that would smite or burn me for what I am. They don't care for intentions, only the lens of Good OR Evil. If it is for this reason that I have been slain, then I hope my Murderer is content knowing they have ridden the world of one more evil miserable creature. But I have felt love. Real love. Know that there are some good people in this world. I am not among them, but I tried to protect and keep them. My alternative to keeping my secret, to hiding until I succeed or I'm found out and hunted, was to join the Red Academy of Hazlan. I did. I looked in the face of true monsters with no code or morals to contain them. Even here there are good people. Hazlan is the Antithesis of my world where wizards were enslaved by the Arkaeduval. Here, Wizards have the power. Here, I could be safe. I could serve their Lord and perform my experiments in relative peace. But I also might not be able to follow my code. I might be expected to do awful things, to become a monster, as the price for this safety. There is no sanctuary for me. I will do everything I can to keep from becoming what I fear, but in the end, a cornered and hungry animal doesn't always get a choice but to fight for other's gain. Know that as in the last line of my code, I will do anything I must to survive because I have people depending on me to take them home.
If you are an Outlander or a lost soul, then we are more alike than you think. I have someone to return home to my world to. Someone that may not even know who I am anymore. It is for her, and the names that follow that I walk the knife's edge between abomination and monster. Good and Evil.
The second thing that separates men from monsters is a family. What else does one have but become a monster when they have never felt love or kindness from anyone? From a family. As long as the following people support me, then I will never be a monster. I ask that if you've killed me, before you be my final judge, or just as a request if my fate is sealed. Deliver this note to one of the names on my list so that they not wonder if I abandoned them.
To Grizzle:
My Beast of Carnage, my shield and my first supporter. You do not know what you mean to me. I spent a year in the Core before you stumbled out of the mists at my feet. I don't know how, but I knew then that we were alike in ways no one could be. I called you beast because you didn't always show the man behind those hollow eyes. We are both used by others. Manipulated and thrust forward to fight the battles of greater men and gods. I hope that you will find peace someday without me. You were my foundation. You showed me that my road didn't have to be alone when you joined in my walk. You never asked too many questions. Just endured the hard ones I demanded of you. Become the Man I know is inside you Beast. The man that stood in between the horrors and a cripple and asked nothing in return. I love you, Grizzle.
To Tenshin Kazuma:
The Red Lotus. A man who knew what it was to have a family. You swore you would protect me and you are a truly good man among the best of the names on this list. I do not want you to feel failure or regret if I am lost to you. I have failed you, most of all. I promised I would find a way to send us both home. I believe in you whom taught me of Honor. I ask only that you look out for the rest of my family and never let this world swallow who you are. Find your way home. Or protect our new family here. I'm sorry I failed you. I love you, Tenshin.
To Adalia Raine
Halberd. You tried to teach me lessons I didn't know I needed. I still wear, when it's safe, the Ilmateri Cords you have given me. You taught me of a god unlike the tyrants who walk among the men of iron on my world. We were a pair of cripples when we met, and though I found my way of healing my body. I will never forget what you taught me of suffering. Your willingness to keep suffering for others and fight against it is something truly special. I remember, Halberd. Don't lose your ability to judge people by their actions and creed, I was skeptical of you because the arbiter's of my world had similar devotion. But it made them hypocrites and Monsters. I believe you're strong enough to be truly good. I hope that before the end, I found the courage to let you judge me for all I was. To tell you the whole truth. I love you, Adalia.
To Taiko
Our time together was all too brief Taiko, though I hope we'll be able to travel again, we've not seen much of each other of late. You taught me of the Ronin. Of those who have no one to follow losing their honor. I may not have understood the true gravity of your place here, but our discussion before we delved into the Terg Ruins carried with it the idea that we are not defined by ourselves alone, but by whom we choose to call family. To serve and protect. I love you, Taiko.
To Ryuko:
I hope that before this letter reaches you, I found the time to get to know more about you. One of my three Samurai, you are perhaps the best among us. You followed me into many dangers and your heart remains pure against the tides of the worlds around you. Don't ever lose that. I hope that when the day comes that you learn of all that I am, that you will not think me a monster. I love you, Ryuko.
To House Magnier:
Charles, Alphone, Majorie, and Nicole. We all fought together against the terrors of the world. I thank you for the place you once offered me among you, and hope that you will understand what I am to become. Wherever you are, be safe.
To Tharlendur and Khisindri:
Elves. Odd creatures, you are. There are no elves on my world, but in the short time I've known you, well, most of your kin are long lived, haughty, and arrogant. But they are also capable of great feats of compassion and harmony. I understand that it must not be easy showing that to outsiders whom you'll have to watch die time and time again with such long lifespans but I am glad I was able to know you, even if I must keep my secret to keep from forcing you to act against me for your gods. I love you both, Tharlendur and Khisindri.
To Mercer Krai:
You are quite the enigma, Koros. Your realm is ash and I have not ever heard a tone of emotion from you. Not anger or rage or compassion. And yet I know that it is the way of your kind. If I perish before you achieve the peak of your faith, and are allowed to express entirely who you are, know that I am thankful for your service and aid to our little band of travelers. To you whom set me among your Mer'as, I hope our work together was long and fruitful. I might even love you too, Mercer Krai.
To Sidonie
Do not ever forget who you are. You taught me that even the most monstrous can find someone to love. You saw in me what perhaps no one else could, and still found it in your heart to love a wretched thing like me. I am sorry that my path took me away from you. I love you, Sidonie.
To Kova
My young sister, the day I penned this letter you'd have turned five years old. You were spared my fate and they probably didn't even tell you who I was. I regret that you will never read this but I hope you know who I am. My name is Jadis Kendara. My art is my soul. My code is my creed. You are a daughter of Kendara, among the last still alive. I watched you play behind the white stone fence and locked iron gate. At the estate where you were adopted, innocent to the horrors that the Arkaeduval inflicted upon me. Upon our people. I remember watching you through the gate as the night darkened. I broke free and escaped, but I knew I was not going to survive. My lips were still sewn shut. I was yet a cripple. I tried climbing the wall, shaking the iron gate. It began to rain and you were taken inside by a servant. For a moment I thought you saw me. But I was left alone there. A miserable wretched creature with no strength of her own. The rain came with my tears. Then came the Mists and I was taken away. Here in this land far away, I have a chance to become truly powerful. To be strong enough to kill even the Arkhan. To watch his golden blood spill over his throne and prove to all the Arkaeduval that their god bleeds. To give you a world free of tyrant gods. This is my purpose, to do so I will become an abomination. I will walk the knife's edge between life and unlife, but I will not surrender my humanity. My soul. I will escape the mists and return to you strong enough so no wall or gate will ever keep me away or I will not return at all. This is the promise I may never keep. I love you, Kova.
[Still being written, another blank page is within, perhaps for additional names with time.
So then, my murderer. My friends. I saw my story ending one of three ways.
I succeeded and saved my family; those I have come to care for.
I failed and became a monster.
I died.
Everything I did was to make us whole.
Jadis Kendara