Serafim is a vampire. The last woman I allowed myself to love. The woman that wasn't there for me when I needed her most, and left me broken and beaten in the gutter. And worst of all, she looks like the woman I loved back home. She is a Core native, I'm sure it's just part of the game the mists play with me.
All of those people who judged me, insulted me for being weak, who left me in the worst pain I had ever been in. As macabre as it is, I find I get along with them much better after they've died. Serafim described how she, too, was now abandoned by everyone she knew. How she begged to not be turned. But also her greed, how she wished all of her old friends would join her, so they'd be with her. Well, darling, now you know what it's like to lose everything. After I lost it all, I wanted the power to inflict nightmares on everyone who insulted me, so they too could understand what it was like, so they too would suffer. In the end, that is when we know we are all alone, when we have no one to suffer with us and so we must wish our suffering onto others.
For years, people insulted me for my inaction. That I wasn't prepared to just strike against a lord of a nation or some beast of the night. Even Absalom, who suggested work against slavery in Hazlan. Absalom had a reputation for uncovering child fighting rings in Dementlieu, but when it came down to it, he violated some of the most sacred aspects of the Code. I have no idea how many people he put at risk out of his own greed. He chased his greed, he wanted fame and fortune and political power. That's not to say I haven't brutally butchered the Code myself, especially during those long dark months after the nightmares came for me and the Vardo betrayed me. I wanted to believe I was irredeemable, I wanted to see just how wrong the world could make me. In reflection, that's when I began to befriend monsters. That's when I became a monster myself. But, just over a year ago, I learned that there is no such thing as irredeemable. All it takes is a reason to remember the old ways, and for me it was the possibility that home was at risk. I couldn't stand by and watch something threaten home, no matter how much I loathed this world. But in retrospect, I really didn't accomplish anything at all. I almost threw my life away like Nara'ia did. Was her sacrifice worth it?
I wouldn't change what happened, though. My snake-self reflected an entirely different personality within me, and the Dark Powers courted the snake disturbingly frequently. I recall quite clearly all of the times temptation would lurk, waiting to grab me. But, I refused, simply because what I truly wanted was never being offered. The snake-self was very coldly logical. And through all of it, that's all I really needed. My snake-self had seemingly impossible goals that he worked towards. After I was put into a human body again, there were no more paths left to walk. Clearly the only thing left to do was target the Dark Powers themselves and try to get sent home. Through this, Valkan became a victim to them, and I got to observe some of their workings more closely. All of the people I knew who insulted me for my inaction died or are lost chasing the darkness themselves, going from monster to monster like it means something. I was never satisfied with such simple actions, there was always something deeper involved, I didn't want to strike until I knew what I was striking against. And through everything, I now see it clearly. I see the game played with everyone, I see the patterns. People struggling with their own compassion to try and fix the world become slaves to it, lashing out at the first thing they can. Anastacia asked me with my research to find out how to prevent evils from rising. She is entirely misguided, we must prevent ourselves from attacking these evils. Our very existence is what makes these evils in the first place. The old code simply does not work in this world, as our very nature becomes our shackles. And through the darkness and gazing at the illusion of reality itself came the new code,
The illusions appear to be safe, they never are. The reality is quite horrible, learn to recognize it.
Friends and loved ones are dangerous. They will be used against us in this cruel game. We must learn to stand strong, alone, to minimize the harm caused to ourselves and others.
Our own emotions will be used against us. They are a core thing to us that the Dark Powers push us to chase. Hope, joy, hate, greed, sadness, all tools.
Violence is never the answer. Recklessly killing is never the answer. These too are tools that will be used against us.
In the end, we will walk alone and make our choices alone, no matter who stands beside us. At home, the goal was to allow everyone personal freedom. This world is a dark mirror to the goal. Respect peoples' choices, for nothing we do shall change them. Realizations are something someone has to come to themselves. Many people cannot be saved, for they've become blinded to the darkness they chase.
This is all in stark contrast to the old code, but it is the only way to truly work in this world without bringing harm to everyone around us. The Wayfarers hurl themselves at every monster they can, but to what ends? The only light in this world comes from within. We are lone candles in the dark, and very very few will ever understand what this truly means.