Author Topic: Reflection on The Oath: Lucille Kelter  (Read 804 times)

TedFromDebate

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Reflection on The Oath: Lucille Kelter
« on: May 09, 2017, 01:46:04 PM »
[Sitting down before resting in a room in the Lady's, Lucille sits, in comfortable clothing, her armor laying on the floor beside her, and her sword leaned onto the desk, close to her bed. She pulls out her journal and a writing impliment, and writes, deep in focus and thought.]


 I have, in my month and a half (or so)
of being here, seen and felt many things that have changed my viewpoint on many things.

On the role of love in the love of a Oathbearer, the offical statement from my elders back home was that it was condoned, but not in anyway reccomended. And, while some divisions have stricter rules, and some would reccomend the pursuit of love as a means of reaching the full experiance of life (as does the branch I have put myself on the path of, though of course unofficially), it is hard to feel the pursuit of love after having been burned (so to speak) so quickly with my relationship to Michael. Though, in retrospect, I fear that I was looking to free myself of the burden I put on myself, and mearly the ordeal that occured gave me a out.

However, it is why I felt such a desire to leave that alarms me. Was it perhaps, that I felt compassion for him to the point that I wouldnt want to hurt him by making him be in the relationship? This is the path that I tell myself I was following, but then why do I pain when I see him with other women? This is something that I must reflect on, and will observe myself on while I am seeing him with others. 

Lucille Kelter - Oathbearer of Atlas
"And what if the dawn comes, and with it, a corpse that was grabbing for the light?"

TedFromDebate

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Re: Reflection on The Oath: Lucille Kelter
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2017, 02:11:03 PM »
[In the same session as the previous writing, though some pacing and walking has taken place, along with some cleaning]

More inportant affairs are present, however. Though I follow the Ecce Vitae branch of the Oathbearers, devouted to enjoying the benefits of life, I can not say I primarily agree with the purpose of enjoying life as a means to redeem onesself. While I can believe the cause of wishing to enjoy life so that you may try to make up for the lives you have wronged (and, of course, enjoying life while also helping people) I feel that there is a differing purpose to pursuing the Ecce Vitae path. Perhaps is the purpose of enjoying life to deny the guilt that one should feel in their life? Not to deny as to reject that it happens, but to deny by means of stopping the negitive impacts guilt may have on the soul? I remember a speaker disscussing the role of the rejection of guilt that caused the great cathedrals in our capital to be converted into philosophical establishments, and he said a major part of it was that "The mages of the royal courts and even the peasants on the poorer farmlands all were swept under the same revoulutionary idea. That idea was that if a divine being did exist, then the true strength that it would possess should be to help us bear our guilt. (In that time, the church had major influence on the country of the Union, no matter role or class). I think, though, I have lost my train of thought in the matter, so I will write about this matter later.
Lucille Kelter - Oathbearer of Atlas
"And what if the dawn comes, and with it, a corpse that was grabbing for the light?"

TedFromDebate

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Re: Reflection on The Oath: Lucille Kelter
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2019, 11:20:53 PM »
[she sits in the Lady's again, plate armor and greatsword to the side of her, as she quietly writes to herself, a piece of cheese from Port and Tsuika on the table with her]
I am surprised that I have had this journal after all of my travels, rather it be on the Old Road of Barovia, or the harsh social climate of Port, but perhaps this is some sort of sign that I should continue writing after stopping for so long.

I as of late have become fast friends with Nastia Caris and Jeremiah Locke, two likely contenders for change and good in Vallaki. With Nastia I see potential incarnate, her divine strength and belief in herself becoming a very compelling drive in following her activities, if nothing else. She reminds me of myself in some ways, that I perhaps am afraid of. She has a certain bullheadedness to her that I find might lead her to make the wrong choice, or defend the wrong people in a scenario, and may infact prove a divisive element in not only Vallaki, but the Kinship as a whole. I write this fairly negatively, I realize, but I do not feel this way to be true. I think Nastia is also easily a force for greater good, and perhaps her bullheadedness will become a conduit for change unceasing in this land. 

In Jeremiah I see a much different picture. If Nastia is the bull, he is almost like a owl, planning things out and wishing to see the grand scheme before making choices, much like the game that his god is represented in, chess. He is calm, collected and wants to know which side to choose rather than act on a whim. I also see alot of Micheal in him, and I admit to myself that it clouds my judgement, but I feel a connection to him that makes me at unease, though I would never tell him that. 
« Last Edit: January 16, 2019, 11:25:18 PM by TedFromDebate »
Lucille Kelter - Oathbearer of Atlas
"And what if the dawn comes, and with it, a corpse that was grabbing for the light?"

TedFromDebate

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Re: Reflection on The Oath: Lucille Kelter
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2019, 11:23:54 PM »
Perhaps I am too tough on Nastia. I see much of my younger self in her and I see that as a negative, as something that can be corrupted like myself. But, I know she is not the fool I was. She is much smarter than I was at that time, and I should realize that before I worry about her. I know she will be a conduit of change, but I can not tell if that change will be a permanent one.
Lucille Kelter - Oathbearer of Atlas
"And what if the dawn comes, and with it, a corpse that was grabbing for the light?"

TedFromDebate

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Re: Reflection on The Oath: Lucille Kelter
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2019, 01:37:26 AM »
I am truly weak. I have lied to both of the people I wish to see prosper in my life, in not telling them of my true deeds.

I am what all members of the Kinship despise. A torturer, a lasher, a terrorizer.

I am unwilling to come to terms with it. I.. I fear they will hate me. I fear that Nastia will disregard me as a fallen one. She will view me with those same eyes, the ones that the villagers gave after I made their friends and families bleed. I can not come to terms with that, though I know I must.

I tremble to think what Jeremiah will think of me. He will grant me mercy, and he will be kind to me. And I will despise it all the more. 


[she writes more, but it is incoherant even to herself, scratching many things out and writing incomplete thoughts]
Lucille Kelter - Oathbearer of Atlas
"And what if the dawn comes, and with it, a corpse that was grabbing for the light?"

TedFromDebate

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Re: Reflection on The Oath: Lucille Kelter
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2019, 04:14:30 PM »
I have been reading the tomes I have had with me for years at this point over again, and admittedly I have forgotten something very important that more senior Oath-bearers have written on the teachings of Atlas.

It discusses the Villa tur Pacht , a Old Phyllian saying that roughly means Desire to Power. He talks about how the teachings of Atlas implicitly goes against the Old Faith's philosophical beliefs, and those made by scholars that were accepted by the old faith which said that man was, simular to that of beasts, only driving to live and procreate, called in Old Phyllian Villa tum Deben, or Desire to Live

Oath-bearer Walden argued in one of his lectures that this Desire to power drives us to use force in the pursuit of bettering ourselves. I remember his distinction between the literal exertion of power that was used in the war, to regrettable usage, and the actual use of Pacht, or power, which wants us to reflect towards ourselves in the pursuit of self overcoming of our brutish selves.

I remember this lecture and the impact it had on me, and I am suprised to have forgotten this. I have, on Karis's word, sought for the mist camp to get away from it all, and while my sword has laid by my side more than I wanted it to, I am happy with the time I have spent in the mist camp in relfection. Though, in order to make myself better for service to the future overcomers this land.

Lucille Kelter - Oathbearer of Atlas
"And what if the dawn comes, and with it, a corpse that was grabbing for the light?"

TedFromDebate

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Re: Reflection on The Oath: Lucille Kelter
« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2019, 01:19:25 PM »
It is a pleasure to be back in the Outskirts and the greater lands of Vallaki. I have already been able to check up with Karis (somewhat, though I wasn't able to talk to her 2 nights ago), and I have talked with Nastia and attempted to help with her current woes. I also have been able to meet some new fellows, most notably is the couple of Ruby and Angelus and Miss Shannon, a Morninglordian.

Ruby and Angelus has been a refreshing change of pace. It is refreshing to see relatively normal people able to live out relatively normal lives out in these lands, where it feels like the only possible profession is a sellsword of some kind. They run the paths of cargo delivery, and they make a good living off of it, and they dream of being able to afford developing an Apple orchard, though I don't know if it's a real dream, or simply a kind dream. They remind me of the fight to make this land better, and in a time of obvious decline in the Kinship's exertion of force, it helps me to find a good reason to try and make this land better.

Miss Shannon, is perhaps an opposite. Her life is absorbed into her church, a life I wish I could lead. not perhaps ignorant, but singularly focused. We share much in the way of drives and motives, especually when I was still at home, but I dislike her devoution to her lord, and the insistance that it is he that makes her strong. Is it not her own hand that dives a spear into the chest of the undead? And is it not her own words that bring men from the brink of wrongdoing, and therefore bring them back into the possibility to overcome one's self?

I will have to hear her more, for sure.

I feel as if I should propose something to help the Kinship. My own thoughts are with the division of the Kinship into the Port and Mist Camp division, and the Vallaki division.
Lucille Kelter - Oathbearer of Atlas
"And what if the dawn comes, and with it, a corpse that was grabbing for the light?"

TedFromDebate

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Re: Reflection on The Oath: Lucille Kelter
« Reply #7 on: February 27, 2019, 01:14:50 PM »
Last night I had by chance gazed into the eyes of the deathsinger, and she was able to dominate me.

I initially felt violated, feeling like I had been had been used by her, until I realized that, thankfully, I really hadn't done anything that I should be angered about. I am choosing to make my.. displeasure in being dominated like this funneled into my displeasure at my forgetfulness in switching out my gauntlets, and towards an extreme dislike in this woman's plans.

Aiden tells me she is sacrificing people, and was planning to sacrifice me, to a demon of some kind. This angers me to no end, as in the case of people like Rhea at least they have the perception that they are trying to do something good. This woman instead is playing with demons that I wouldnt be suprised if she doesnt understand, and even then, to be overly pragmatic, to make ally with a demon would only paint a larger target on her back. Either way, this woman is doing evil actions that are not capable of being sorry for, as they are small minded and do not even attempt to change this land.

I remember when I was under, that for whatever reason I was much more casual towards her, talking about her form and clothing and the like. This reminds me of the woman I was years ago, and my deep, yet false connection towards her reminded me of Auhne.

To be honest, this is what upsets me the most, to remember her. I remember our nights in the fields, moving supplies and fighting together. I remember when she had taken a serious injury, and the captain of our rag tag group had allowed me to go with her. I haven't remembered those simple times in so long, i must had blocked them out of me, like a bad dream.

That part of me has died however, killed by either the war itself for my own choices in it, my joining of the Iron Talon doomed me to a path without her or other companionship. I am alone in this land, and the deathsinger has, regardless of if she meant to, forced me to look at the grave of past selves, and I both hate and thank her for that.

I am not as disturbed by the domination that took place at the hands of the deathsinger, that is an easy burden to uphold, as I mearly was ensnared and attempted to be killed. I have fought with that kind of evil before. It is what was brought out of the encounter that upsets me more, but I must resolve to be happy. I am the teacher, I realize, much like Atlas, and much like the Adder that Atlas encountered, I should thank my enemy for helping me realize my faults, and return the wrong back to this she demon.

Oh Auhne, I am only happy that you are safe at home, and not in this hellish land. That you did not succumb to such depths as I, I am only thankful for. .
Lucille Kelter - Oathbearer of Atlas
"And what if the dawn comes, and with it, a corpse that was grabbing for the light?"

TedFromDebate

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Re: Reflection on The Oath: Lucille Kelter
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2019, 02:06:56 PM »
I haven't written in here in quite sometime, and I am both suprised and happy to not have done so. Looking at the significant passages, I see that I always come here in crisis. My crisis now is my resolve to make this land better, and to be happy with my cherished Zexori.

I went with the Kinship to help an past Wayfarer by the name of Elthric, and what we found was chilling to myself. Long abandoned by past Kin, he was murdered by a vampire after he had stolen an amulet of a vampire tailor. His family was also killed by the same vampire, and while we murdered the wretched vampire, I acted in anger instead of virtue, wanting to see the vampire feel the pain he inflicted on so many others, and feel the pain his kind has inflicted on many friends.

While it is not something strictly enforced by the Oathbearers, Atlas once said that the best way to respect your enemy is to give him what he has given you. To do otherwise would be to discredit them and treat them as a lesser. I feel that perhaps I am persuaded by the baseness of this desire, to give the wretches a taste of their own medicine.

I know that this is truly only a part of the problem. Truly, I have been starting to consider some form of retirement. I saw what happened to Elthric, and I.. I welled up in anger. I imagined this happening to Zexori and a child we might have someday and.. I couldn't handle it. The oathbearers, and hence Atlas told once that an excess of making oneself orderly can cause a violent reaction of chaos, and perhaps this is what has happened to me. I must endeavor to save my orderly self more, and to not put up walls where none belong.

Nastia is right. The Old Faith, for all the anger and hate put into it, was once a strong and worthy thing. It fell, in the desire to better help the people, to the forces of the devil and his ilk, and caused what I saw as it's modern faith. I can not let my lack of balance to destroy me, for it would destroy much more than myself. the life I have made here, with friends and comrades who are wanting to make this world a better place, and truly overcome
Lucille Kelter - Oathbearer of Atlas
"And what if the dawn comes, and with it, a corpse that was grabbing for the light?"

TedFromDebate

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Re: Reflection on The Oath: Lucille Kelter
« Reply #9 on: July 17, 2019, 07:00:57 AM »
[she stands infront of the bank, standing while looking around, taking the time to write in her journal]

Much, like last time, has changed since the last I wrote this. Upon reflection, as with my last entry, I see that I am usually set in crisis, as even then I was in intense crisis without even realizing it. I almost chose selfish love beyond the Kinship, beyond the struggle, and for that I am only hopeful I do not fall to such a crossroads again.

Snarin's wedding on the eighteenth of the next month brings with it both great joy and some sorrow. Perhaps if I had not done evils in my past life, I could had simply settled down with Micheal, or perhaps someone else. I do want love, but perhaps I want it to be something more casual, more friendly. Not something controversial, or with the pursuit of the bettering the other. Something just, well, happy.

The Kinship has been a promising recently, and though the death of Sora happened since my last post, I would like to think we are doing her proud by trying to cooperate better and unify better for teamwork. I was happy to be able to help Morrigan with the bat, and I was happy we were able to get her out of that awful ravine she almost succumbed to her wounds in.

The struggle as a whole is still a hopeless fight, now to me. It is one that I have hard time making any meaningful change to, but as i told Eva once, the struggle is not something that can be aided with a days work. The struggle is something that no man can fix alone, and to impact it takes much toil.

I suppose my current crisis is a distinct loss of purpose. I can easily find a place to become stronger. I already have, through Dextan and our runs through the devil lands of Perfidus, but where to apply this newfound strength? That is the question of my current time.
Lucille Kelter - Oathbearer of Atlas
"And what if the dawn comes, and with it, a corpse that was grabbing for the light?"