Dementlieu; 15th May
Insomnia strikes again. It has been a frequent visitor these nights, as the noose closes around the city. We have finally had some success in getting people to evacuate; Verinne did more than her fair share of the work, and deserves the credit for it. I hope Claude lived up to her part and spread the word for us, too.
As the war returns, paradoxically, I feel as if awakening from a depression; my mind, surrendered to fatalism and crushed expectations, once again begins to focus on the here and now as trepidation and urgency begin to replace lethargy. Idealism has been tempered with bitter experience. I know I can not save many; but nonetheless I must try my best, for that is the path I have chosen.
Duty, obligation. These are the bedrock of our faith. Without them, we risk slipping into the kind of monomania that has afflicted Pineau; his fanaticism blinding him to the breadth of our mission. Duty, of course, is defined by faith; the nuances of each Revelation lending them their priorities. It is worth, as an exercise, writing these duties, that we may be reminded of our commitments and obligations, and refreshed in our purpose.
These, then, are mine; re-affirmed. I choose the People first, of course; it is to them I dedicate myself. Every old couple I can help, every family I bring to shelter, is a small seed that may survive this madness and ensure that the storm about to crash over us doesn't destroy who we are.
But next an unexpected name comes next on my list. The Lamordian, Saskia Niederhauser. It's the grandest of ironies that I must consider it my duty to secure the return of a Lamordian who scorns my religion and personally loathes me. Yet she didn't deserve her fate; as dimly as I perceive it. The truths she knows will, one day or the other, cease to matter poltically -- but truth for truth's sake always has value. In this eventuality, I shall not forget her; but the war must come first and settle the rest before I fear anyone might allow her to be found again.
Juste Marceaux: a pall has hung over him ever since the catastrophe of Chateaufaux. I do not know the truth in its entirety. I suspect it matters little. I believe the Maitriser will come for Juste; I will do my best to try to stop them killing each other; given the animosity they hold for one another, I fear this may prove futile. The Maitriser might relent and offer Juste a fair trial, but Juste will never trust it.
Magda Marceaux: Juste wanted me to help her leave Port if he was killed. I fear she will not be inclined to run away, but towards her husband's slayer.
Edme: Maitriser asked me to take care of his Ward if he died. I shall do my utmost; I fear the chaos into which the Covenant army would be thrown into in such a case.
Verinne. She has done more than I could; I must continue to offer her my full support.
Joachim, and even that fool Otto. I can't allow them to end up lynched. Yet I fear the possibility is high if the city is sacked; either by a mob or disgruntled soldiers.
Etienne: that rash young man and his choice to become baptised.... it may be rash, or it may be the will of Ezra. I suppose only time will tell.
The other outlanders, some foolish, some helpful; all these I have a duty of care to.
And, finally, Pineau again: it is a different sort of obligation I feel towards him. His fanaticism is extreme. It damages Mother Church, blinkering Her Third even further. Yet it was foolish of us to confront him so directly previously. I must learn to be circumspect. Starting by investigating the tales of the Dread Crypt Heresy...