Nicoleta Nistor - The Little Witch

[TherapyCat]

Let them think  that  I am ignorant.
 
It's more fun that way.

[TherapyCat]

What's the point of being good, when the world shows you no mercy for doing such?

[TherapyCat]

This one

He's going to make me stupid in love
I can tell it.

He's going to make me ridiculously happy.
I can sense it.

He's going to make me mindless and weak.
He's going to be my demise.

That's how I know that he's worth it.

[TherapyCat]

Why was his touch so cold?

When it made me feel the warmest I have felt in months?

Just a another question left unanswered.

[TherapyCat]

She's likely going to kill me,
mother said to never trust her kind.

Mother also said never to do half the things I do.

Interesting.

[TherapyCat]

Roses.
I used to hate Roses.
Guess they're starting to grow on me.

[TherapyCat]

Names are pointless.
I don't understand why it means so much to him.
What I'd give to get rid of mine.

"Nicoleta- The little witch."

It has a good ring to it, I'll admit.
But I'll never be anything more than my name.
even if I try to outgrow it.
And that is what infuriates me.

[TherapyCat]

The letter I'll Never Send To My Brother.

773.


Dumitru,

You'll never be an uncle. Never like we planned.
Not that you'll let me see your children anyhow.
I'm a monster. I know this.
I hope that you will.
Though I've never liked the name Nistor,
you always wore it well.
I'm sure pa is proud.
In comparison to me, it shouldn't be that hard.
I love you nessie. You being the first man I ever did.
But  before this one, you were the last.
If you met him, you'd say what you did about all the others.
That this wasn't love, that it was just lust.

And it did. It started of in such a manner.
I was lonely and he was there.
I liked him because he was different.
Or.
He seemed.
Now I see, twisted or not. He is just like anyother man.
Here to hurt me.

If I didn't have so much Iadul pride,
I'd come running home.
Tell you that you were right.
Tell you that I wasen't ready to go off on my own.

I used to be good once, I did.
I used to do everything you said.
I was "Yes Nicoleta, Kind Nicoleta, Good Nicoleta."

And yes, we can blame Vargas.
We can.
He's not the best of men.
But he's not the worst either.

We can blame skyla.
But that's hardly fair.

We could blame Alexandru.
But he wanted to give me what was best.

We could blame syras.
But I scare everyone away, so why not him?

And Tubur.
You can blame him.

I Know I'm supposed to .
But I can't.

Why do I love the ones that hurt me?

When I try to answer that question, the only one I can blame is you.


It hurts to step.
Every movement is a constant reminder.

You know me.
I was never that "little domna."
I never cared about having children.
I never wanted to be a mother.
But the feeling.
Knowing.
That I can't.
That I never will.

That is what makes me barren.


And sure, I am sure there is Varja.
I am not ignorant to think there is not such.
But the risks. Of having a Caliban.
In this world.

This world is cruel to those that are different, Nessie.

The calibans, the twisted, the dragons, "The little witch."

The us.

We never stood a chance.



I don't know what I'm doing with my life, Dumitru.
I come home to you, all confident.
I'd love to have actual confidence.
Sometimes I'd love to chop off all my hair, become unknown and become some kind of ezrite.
But do you think they'd take me?
Do you think anyone would take me?


Iadul. You won't even take me anymore.


I've never been a woman of faith.
Because I never needed it.
I'll never admit this to you.
I'll never send this later.

But I might say  a prayer, just one.

It's my last attempt at hope.

It's my last attempt to live.

[TherapyCat]

A letter to the daughter I'll never have.

I never dreamed of having children.
Growing up I hated the Idea.
I never played with dolls.
They never suited me.

But If I had you.
My dear.
You would've been my everything.
Because you would've been mine.

You would've been wild
Crazy, bold, intelligent, creative.
You would've been good.
I would've given up everything for you.
Catina.
I would've named you.
For innocent and pure,
I would make sure you would be.
I would'nt have wanted you.
I would've hated bearing you.
At times you would feel unwanted or, unloved.
But.
That's just because I'm too selfish to ever love anyone.
But.
I would've loved you.
Perhaps you'd have emerald eyes like me,
Or brown eyes like those in my ancestry.
You could've had no beauty to others.
But you would be beautiful to me.
Because you would've been mine.
I'm a mess.
Iadul. I'm a mess.
But I would've cleaned up for you.
I would've dropped everything.
I'd become the woman I was supposed to be.
I'd sell everything.
Everything Arcrane.
I'd never be a witch again.
I could'nt be.
No.
I'd change for you.
I'd buy a room in the village.
It is dark there,
but you would've been the light.
I wouldn't try to find love in a man.
You would be my world,
and we'd survive.
Because we'd both be persistent and somewhat mad.
I would've learned how to make you meals.
So you would never grow up as weak as I did.
I did get three occupations , I'd even  pick up a craft.
I hate dresses but I would have made  you however many you wanted.
I hate ribbons but I'd tie them in your hair,
I hate books but I would've read them to you.
I hate music, but I would've sang.
Off key.
I hate commitment.
But I would've been committed  to you.
Iadul,
How I would've committed to you.
You were the only one that would never see as a monster.
You'd be my little girl.
Everyone would say I'd mess you up.
But I would'nt.
Because I've failed so many times I'd warn you before you ever took a step in the wrong direction.
You would've been educated.
I don't know how I'd afford it, but you would.
One day, we'd move to the port city and you'd study there.
You'd become fabulously wealthy, but have modesty.
You'd be a proper lady, just like I never was.
But you'd be strong.
Strong enough to not need a man.
Independent.
Yes. Independent.
And everyone would love you.
Because you'd be genuine.
You'd be kind, and loving,
wild and bold, but modest and reserved when needed.
I'd save up everything, I'd never over spend,
never take luxuries for myself.
If you wanted,
You would've have an extravagant wedding.
You'd find a good man.
A great one.
Kind.
Gentle.
But wild, just for you.
He'd give you children.
Me, a grandmother.
Me a mother.
It seems absurd.
But I would've adjusted.
I would've told the children stories of my youth,
and they would've laughed, not knowing the pain all my mistakes have made.
I would'nt have been perfect.
But I would've tried.
And I hardly try at anything.
You'd be perfect.
Because I'm imperfect.
Yes.
You would've been.You... would've been.

[TherapyCat]

I miss him.
I know I shoud’nt but I do.

That’s the thing.
I’ve always done everything that I shouldn’t have .
And that’s how I wound up here.

At the mist encampment.
Not sure what caravan I should or shouldnt take .

Part of me wishes to go home
To stand in the graveyard .
And just stand.
To just remember .
To remember what it felt like
To be loved
To love
To be .
Naive .

But that’s the thing about innocence .
It’s just temporary .

And If I went back
And I stood in the graveyard .

He wouldn’t be there .
He would be there with a crooked back and a kind smile .

He used to be innocent .
But that was just temporary .

As I hope my love for him was .

[TherapyCat]

Words.
I struggle for words to write down on this sheet of paper.
Should I really be doing this?
Should I Leave a note for the man who hurt me?

He did love me.
Atleast I tell myself that.

Although there's only a true way to know.
A note.
A brief note.
Something that would be overlooked but anyone elses eyes but his own.
Yes.
A note.

And if he doesn't respond to such.
If it's neglected, Ignored.
Discarded.
then I'll know.
That this love, was non existent.

Closure.
This will be closure one way or another. Something I desperately need.


Because I believe Tubur is still in there.
My sweet Tubur.
My twisted Tubur.
You don't have to be a Za'am to be loved.
Come home.
For I loved you first.

[TherapyCat]

I put out the note.
Because I'm weak.
Or perhaps I'm strong.
Brave enough.
Stupid enough.
Girlish enough.
To fight for something.
Something I care about.
I rarely care about things.
Especially other people.

To this day I still don't understand.
How he got through to me, when so many others have tried before.

I suppose it was because all the men in my life never needed me.
Is that stupid,to want to be needed.
What would anyone need from me anyhow?

Alexandru, needed a wife.
But that wasen't me.

Shyla needed someone to love,
and I wasen't ready.

Dumitru needed a sister,
but I was greedy.

Vargas never needed anything.
For anyone.

Sylas,
needed a woman.
But I was a girl.


And Tubur.
I don't know what he needs.
But I need him.


I'm not sure what it is, what I'm doing.
Or why I'm doing it.

I don't know what to do.
What to wear.
what to say.

I don't know if I want to forgive him.
I'd like to be this martyr that forgives everyone,
but I'd also like to be strong enough to not need him.
to not need anyone

But I posted the note.
I don't know if he'll even see it.
If he'll even come.

But I'll be there.

.. But I won't always be.
I kid myself that I still have some dignity.

[TherapyCat]

Remember this feeling.

And Remember it was worth it.

One smile.

was worth it.

[TherapyCat]

Be smart, my love.
Be smart.
Don't do anything stupid.
Please.

Be smart.

[TherapyCat]

This is never the life I imagined for myself.
But yet I still want it.
Desperately.

[TherapyCat]

He's delusional, but I love him.

He's Mental, but I love him.

He's mad, but I love him.

When he's sleeping.

He's just the man I met in the graveyard,
with a shovel and an open heart.

And I love him.

I'm a mess and Murderer, but he loves me.

I'm violent and unreasonable, but he loves me.

I'm  irrational, and unpredictable, but he loves me.

Because when he makes me smile,
A real smile
To him I'm the girl of his dreams.
Perfect he calls me,
Nothing I could do wrong.


Perhaps Perception really is everything.

[TherapyCat]

Mrs. Za'am.

On one hand, I should be honored. I love Tubur, as much as a person like me can..
He calls me his bride, and that is one thing. Because then I am still Nicoleta, his perfect, little Nicoleta
That he adores.

But Mrs. Za'am?

All I can think about when I hear that name is his awful father.
What I'd give to set that man aflame and watch as the skin melts, and falls away at the bone.
To share his last name? To bear it?
To carry it?
It nausates me.
It does.

Oh. But it makes Tubur so happy.
It does.
I know it does.
To point to the young barovian with the raven hair and call me his bride.
I should be honored by that,
and I am.
To my core I am.

But to be Mrs. Za'am?
That's a whole other matter.

Of course. I'll never speak a word of this to Tubur.
I couldn't.
He loves that sorry excuse for a man.
I'll do it for him.
I'll do anything for him.
For all I want is to be his bride,
but no part of me wishes to be a Za'am.

[TherapyCat]

I think a part of me tells myself that I'd be an awful mother,
So I don't have to deal with the reality that I'll never be one.

Why would he want me anyhow?

Can't he see I'm broken?

[TherapyCat]

I found that writing the first letter to the daughter I'd never have seemed to help me.
If anything can help I twisted person as myself at this point.

So with that said,

To the Son I'll never have,

The charmer. The breaker of many hearts. I know you'd be.
If you're anything like me, or like your uncle.
Nistor. I'd never make you bare that name.
Never. That name brings imperfection within it, and never would my darling boy bare it-No.
Black hair. Curls, perhaps. It wouldn't matter. You could have enough hair to stitch a blanket, or not a hair on your head,
but you'd be perfect. Because you'd be mine.

Jade eyes.
Bright. Loving.
Hopeful, and kind.
But intimating and passionate.
Round, and bold.
Just like your mothers.

When I imagined settling for some barovian man.
Living some boring life.
I always thought I'd raise a son better than a girl.
I was never really girly.
I suppose I was always a bit odd.
I blame nessie for that.
Mother always wanted me to be her proper little girl, learn to be a good wife.
I never cared much for that.
No, never.

If I had a boy, I'd never let how he acted be an excuse.
You'd be kind. You would. You wouldn't pull pigtails,
or cause such a ruckus. You'd be kind to women.
I'd teach you that.
You'd be the sensitive type. Iadul. You'd write poetry.
The most beautiful kind.
You'd be so talented.
You'd have a good heart too.
You'd be hardworking, and strong.
Sensitive, but never weak.
The weak get abused in these lands.

 A garda, I'd never let you be.
You'd have an honest profession.
A farmer. something humble.
You'd never be a witch like me.
Never.
I wouldn't let you.
It causes more pain then it does protection.


I'd love to name you Dumitru.
But the boy I loved is not the man that bares the name now.
Umil. Is what I name you. Because "Humble" you'd be.
Or I would die trying until you became such.
You'd love me.
I'd be your mother.
You'd be proud.
Someone in this world would be proud of me.
You'd never see me as the monster that I am.
You couldn't.
You wouldn't.
Because you'd be mine.


I'd never let anything or anything or anyone hurt you.
I'd never let this world corrupt you.
I've seen darkness, and perhaps I can't shield it from hurting you forever.
But I could keep you from becoming it.

When you brought a woman home,
I'd be judgmental,
I'd bully her.
I'd be awful.
If she's any type of woman that deserves you, she'll stay.
And You'd hate me for doing this, telling me that you love her.
But only the ones that truly love us, stay my love.

But if she stays.
I'll love her like my own.
I would.

And perhaps one day she'll give me grandchildren.

Even though I never ate, I'd feed them a plenty.
And they'd laugh. And they'd call me sweet and short abbreviations of my name, because Nicoleta is too long of a name for small children to pronounce fully
You'd beg me to stop feeding them, but pleading me to keep watching them. Because you need a break.

A hardworking man you'd be.
But your family would come first.
They would.
You'd struggle you'd survive.
You'd survive.
The Persistent ones always do.

Just look at your poor mother.

Crazy you'd call me.
But a monster, never.
Because I'd be your mother.
And you'd be perfect.

Because you'd be mine.

[TherapyCat]

this entry has been ripped out..

[TherapyCat]

I used to be good once.

The last few months I have spent in solitude,

trying to find such.

Out of practice with the Arcane.

But in practice of other arts.

This is the longest I have gone without a man beside me.


I'd be lying to say that I don't miss him,

but I'd be even more foolish to run to him.

After all, he is the man that stole everything from me.

Including his love.

There is nothing for me, there anymore.

In one breath, I miss Tubur,
and in the next, I loathe Mumed.

He used to be good once, too.

[TherapyCat]

It feels empowering,
to look in the mirror,
and see how my body is changing.

Muscle.

For once I have Muscle.

And for once I have strength.

Strength to finally fight back in this life,

So I wont be the victim again.

Never will I be the Victim again.

I miss my power however,
in the Arcane.
I´ve forgotten so much.
I lost so much.
Of myself.

But I look in the mirror, knowing now
That I should´ve forgotten it much sooner.

Because the woman I see now,
is better than the girl who stood before her.

I was good once,

I can be good again.