Light under Darkened Wing - Raven Greymantle

[swbf2lord]

[This entry is written on sheets of papyrus]

It's not working. I thought coming to the desert would help me get over him, but I feel more empty than ever, here. The sands, hunting undead, killing trolls... it's not enough. I still have moments when my mind wanders.... I shouldn't. I make sure to work hard, so I sleep as soon as I hit my bedroll, but I still have downtime...

Every time I see him I feel sick, and I can't bear to be nearby. People come and apologize, or sympathize, but how can they understand what it's like to love and be loved, then to have that love destroyed by the person you trust most? He was all I had... he knew it, and he still left... Sometimes I want to run my sword through his gut for how much he's hurting me, but I know I couldn't lift a hand against him. I'm still wearing his necklace... I'm not sure whether to toss it in the sands or give it back to him... He said he would come back someday, but I think it's too late. How can I take back the man who's putting me through the worst hell possible?

Therion tells me it's not on me to wait, or to be faithful, since he left... but even the thought of caring about someone else is painful. It means putting myself in a position for something like this to happen again. And if I don't wait, whatis there for me? I don't think he understands, if I don't wait for him, there is nothing else for me. I have to keep fighting, keep writing, otherwise my blades start to look inviting, and in the desert, there's no one to talk me out of it, at least in times like now...

Therion and Quinn are the only people I can talk to about it, even Quinn sometimes I don't feel like dealing with, he was with Gabriel too often. Slivarses is Gabriel's friend, and every time I'm with him, I start to remember things I don't want to... I know he's worried, but this is the only thing I can do. It's getting harder and harder to talk to people...

Caiora is dead. She was the woman who loved Gabriel, now Raven's coming back. The real Raven... cold... distanced.... I'm scared.

[swbf2lord]

It's getting better. I think maybe this journal is helping, sorting out my thoughts, making it easier to see things clearly. Every day I get up, and breathe a little easier, a little slower, even without him. Seeing him is still painful, and makes me feel every emotion possible. Anger, frustration, love, sadness, the whole range. I want to hurt him, and I want him to love me, I want to see him happy, and I want to see him sad... It's so confusing. I tore off his amulet, to hurt him, but I doubt he cared.. it's not like he cared enough to stay...

No. No more thinking about it. He didn't care about me enough to see that leaving hurt me more than anything else, so I can't think on him, or on us. It's over. I'll have to accept that.

Quinn and Therion are such a help to me right now. Talking with me, spending time with me when I can't bear to be around anyone else. They're helping me get back out there, talk to people again. I've grown to trust them as friends, true friends, so much that I told them my darkest secret... and with them, put it to rest, finally. I do hope his spirit finds its way home. It was such a mistake, and I don't know anything I can do to make up for it. I still feel dirty, unclean... but I'm going to keep trying to make a difference, to clean my soul. They're the closest thing I have to a family anymore, and I desperately need a place to belong....

I feel almost whole again. Sitting here, with Owl, Therion, and Quinn.. it's almost like I'm my old self, I'm even making jokes throughout the days! One day, I'll find what I'm looking for, Therion says, and if I don't, I can find something to be content in. There's hope now.

Raven is falling back into her cage, that mask not needed, Yashila is enough.. I hope. If she comes back, it won't be good.

[swbf2lord]

I think I'm finally moving on... as hard as that is to imagine. I'm almost angry with him now, for what happened. I feel rejected, abused, even. Maybe now I can become my own person, without his influence. At least it's getting easier to talk to other people now, but it's still hard, even with people I would have called friends. Maybe some day, but not right now. On the other hand, I'm applying my self more to my crafts, herbalism, fletching. Those help to keep me occupied in my free time.

Therion, Quinn, and Owl... that was an odd mix last night. Tears of Lethe didn't help, and... I'm scared to think of the implications of what all was said, and done. "Too soon", was my motto for this morning. Things are moving too quickly, more quickly than I'm comfortable with.

I'll have to work on my people skills.. I think I offended Quinn last night. I didn't mean to say all those things, though... And Owl, did he really mean what he said? He wasn't drinking..

Life goes on, and we continue to live.

[swbf2lord]

Freedom. Something I never thought I'd ever have again. I've been hunted for so long now, I thought for sure they would catch me, drag me to the citadel, and torture me...

Now I don't have to worry, don't have to hide. I'm free again! Lucadia.. I didn't believe he could actually do what he said, but Vasile listened, it seems, and removed the price on my head. I've never felt so happy, so relieved, as when I left the Citadel today. The world seemed clearer, the sun brighter, and even the rain sweeter. Still no Gabriel to share it with.. but I'm not sure I would want to go back to him, with how he was those last days. Distant, cold. Life is more than that, and love should be too. I've been thinking, been talking with others, but I'm still concerned. Is it right to change your heart so suddenly? I don't see how it could be. I'll just have to go along with it for now, see where this goes.

In other news, the Silver Hand thing seems to be picking up steam, maybe it'll actually come to be something, some day. It might be good to be a part of something like that. The Vardo seems too... decayed, these days. Dealing in things they shouldn't and things I have no desire to be a part of. This "Silver Hand" looks to be more honest.

I've come through the long night, and now I see the sunrise.

[swbf2lord]

I guess it's a good thing I haven't felt the need to write lately. I've not been sad, not been hurting. Gods, it's so good to breathe freely. I don't have any hidden fears coming to torment me, no doubts, no worries. Everything Gabriel said he gave me, I have now, but I never had then. The more and more I contrast them, the more I begin to realize just how "disadvantageous" [A small note is made to the side: "That's a good word."] that whole situation was, for me.

I really, really hope this is something that will last. I put myself in the situations, and it never works out like I dreamed. I hope I'm not worrying him... I -do- care, it's just hard for me to show it when I keep expecting to get hurt... And then I worry that by being with him I'm being selfish, long-term... but it's not something either of us want to talk about.

Quinn's in a bad way now, too. I worry that he might do something foolish when he needs to distance himself from a bad situation.

I've found myself fighting up front more and more. What surprises me, is that I can actually go toe-to-toe with the desert trolls. When I watched others do it, I always assumed it was something I'd never be able to accomplish, but now, I can actually do it. Therion's growing more and more powerful, too. It amazes me how much he learns, and how much he puts up with from me. Trying to read these scrolls is hard work, and I've blasted him with magic accidentally more than once. I still have trouble figuring out whether the scroll is helpful or harmful...

A last note. Elves are -very- different than humans. In every way.

I like being spoiled.

[swbf2lord]

Life's been peaceful, so far. I've been studying alchemy, and trying to get into fletching, to further reduce my dependence on others.
It might not be a bad idea to start working on other things, as well, making my own weapons, armor, even. Right now, though, I'm
focusing on alchemy, and learning as much as I can there.

Therion seems to think I need a "patron" of some kind. A god. It's not that I don't want to... I've never seen the need personally.
How can you be free to do what you want, and still follow some higher diety? I do well enough on my own, and I don't think
suddenly deciding to convert to some new faith will make me stronger in battle, or more pleasant in speech. He mentioned one called
"Branchala", supposedly from his homeland. A patron of singers and musicians, or something. I might try what he suggested, to pray
to this god, but I'm not sure yet. I don't know if I could actually commit to it, to make something out of it. Every time I see someone
devoted entirely to some god, their entire personality seems strange. Even Therion, he practically worships the moon, and while I'm
glad it makes him happy, it seems odd to me.

Speaking of Therion, I hope I haven't upset him too much with my snapping. I get frustrated though when he keeps speaking to
Quinn in a language I can't understand. Right in front of me. I can't seem to pick it up either, he gave it a good try, though. One
day, I'll learn elven, and be able to speak to him in that tongue, but for now, I can hardly speak anything other than Common.

This other issue... it might be drawing me back into a place I didn't want to go. It's providing benefits, certainly, and not just for me,
but I don't want to be any part of it. I wonder if it's too late to leave it all?

Our missing man has yet to be found, but I'm keeping my eyes open, and my ears ready for any sign of the scholar. We'll find him,
soon enough. There's still the other objects on the loose, but they -have- to get back to him, there's no other option, even du Maare
has said so. It's just a matter of time.

Peace. What I want, but there's always something in the way.

[swbf2lord]

Magic.
What is magic? This "weave", this force that people wield both to heal and to harm.
I was without it for a few moments, and I felt like I'd lost a part of me. How does it control us?
Ezrites tell me magic will dominate my mind before long... is it too late already?
And what -were- those things? Feeding off the power inside me and the others?
So many questions tonight.. and no answers.
It gives power to break bodies and to mend them, but people can do that without magic.
I've never forgotten the chirurgeon or how he told me that humans were becoming too dependent on-
magic to do things for them. I can do things without magic, right? Why do I feel the
need to rely on magic to accomplish things for me, then? Why does anyone?
It makes us stronger, and more dependent.

Is my mind my own?

[swbf2lord]

I'm get tired of fighting, protecting. Not hunting, but fighting against every evil in this place.
Some, I've found, are closer than I would've suspected...
I know it's for our future, but if we fall what did we have? Neglecting the present for future
dreams, we find that we missed out on so many opportunities...

Even still, I feel like I'm glowing. I feel stronger, faster; my songs more inspiring, curses more debilitating...
The excess of my heart overflowing from my limbs and voice in a torrent of emotion.

The song I wrote last night expressed everything I wanted it to. My desires, fears, confusion, love.
I do so love seeing him embarrassed, the tips of his ears turn red when he does. I ought to try harder,
see what happens...

Everything about these mysterious forces have been pushed to the back of my mind, the uncertainty of my reality...
If rather focus on whatever illusions or temporary existence is in front of me than searching for the truth of whatever this
pace truly is. Not that I have that option when I'm following such an inquisitive mind.

Now all I need to do is find a student. Been feeling like teaching someone how to hold an instrument properly. Hearing some
of the musicians around Vallaki last time I was there gave me a headache. Maybe I could help with that. Beyond performing,
they need to know how to use that to channel their own passion into others more effectively... I'll have to think on it carefully...

What I've always wanted is right here in my arms...

[swbf2lord]

So many questions.. so many things I don't understand, can't make sense of. The books, the...
whatever that happened last night, with that group I dare not name even here. I don't have anyone
I could ask about these things. Makes me wish I'd made more of an effort to speak with Clydessa. If
anyone would know what's going on, who these people are, what's in these books, and all my other
questions, it would be her. I may try looking through the library in Dementlieu sometime, and the
more obscure book shops scattered throughout the Core. I'll figure this out sooner or later.

On a brighter note, I'm feeling better than I have in many, many months. I don't know if I've ever
been this happy since I've come to this land. I'm participating more, talking with people more, even
performing more than I've felt like in a long time. It's also helping me to look into these other issues;
split my focus. I'm concerned still, but able to trust again, able to breathe freely, even. Traveling again,
exploring the reaches of the Core, searching out hidden secrets. Something I didn't think I'd enjoy,
but I really, truly do. Maybe it's the company.

There are always fears in this land, always doubts, always questions, always concerns. It doesn't
phase me anymore, these are a part of life here. Everyone will experience loss, and we all will
have to sacrifice things close to us. I'd still give up myself first.

We'll make it through to the end somehow.

[swbf2lord]

Seems Ezrites do get around after all. I always imagined them preaching all day and then telling others
about how they were sure to die without Ezra. I guess I was wrong. Not that it's any consolation; I still
can't make much sense of what happened. The little girl was mentioned by someone else, and those with
me seemed to know something more about her than I did. All I know is the air was bitterly cold when she
was near. I can't make out whether this Vrolock the Ezrites were mentioning was related or not.

In other news, I still haven't figured out anything more since I last wrote here. I've asked several people,
with no success. I'll keep looking, I guess.

A confusing tale, but one worthy of hearing.

[swbf2lord]

Barovia. What's happening...?

Elves rounded up... rumors of... it's getting bad. Legos and Lucadia were called to the citadel.
I can't imagine what for, they didn't have anything to do with Sywyn. I have to admit I'm glad
it was they and not he, though. I went to Vallaki last night, and it was quiet, more so than
is normal.

With times like these, I don't know if I should go ahead with my plan or not. It doesn't seem
fitting.

And, I do hate keeping secrets, but I'd much rather avoid the anger sure to follow. Not
to mention the lecture I'm sure to get.

I thought I was done with hiding things. Now I wonder if I'll ever be...

[swbf2lord]

It seems war will break out any day now, and what will that mean if it does?
I've never been in a way, nor seen one. Only heard the tales. I can only pray
that those I care about remain safe during the conflict.

I need to contact him again, for something more.. high profile... this time. He's
yet to come up short, and I suspect this time will be no different.

And here we are, doing something that could get us killed or worse. We'll have
to be careful, more so than usual. Provided he can keep a low profile, I see
no reason why it shouldn't be successful. We work well together. We'll have
a chance at doing what needs to be done, helping to alleviate the situation for
some. There are only doubts, questions, and concerns about the nature of the
task, and the measure of response we might suffer, if things don't go our way.

And the other concern... can -they- be trusted?

[swbf2lord]

Some things change. Others never will. Problems in Barovia, changing figures. Some die, some survive. Heroes don't always make it to the end, and the evil ones sometimes are never caught.
If there's anything I've learned in this place, that would be it. There are other, harsher lessons, yes. He wouldn't argree, I don't think, but it's for our own good. His as well as mine.

I so hate it when he's upset and won't tell me, or the things he hurts for that I can't understand. I want to, but I can only be there when he needs, to comfort.

Thank the gods above this auction is done. It was sloppy, and lazy, but I told the dwarf I was no merchant, and I had no interest in selling. This got everything out of the way quickly, and almost
painlessly. I'm sure he'll appreciate the lack of interruptions. They always came at the worst times. I'm thinking of getting out of this whole business. It's more headache than it's worth, and I don't
need the gold. The "competition" says it was never about the gold, but I can see how well that's doing for them. Falling apart, in-fighting. That can't bode well, and leaves me with no desire
to be a part of something like that. I can do other things maybe, but not sell. Never sell. Not on that scale.

Life is easier, and better with around. Don't know if I could ever put into words what he means to me, or just how much I care. I hope he knows.

I'll have to tie up loose ends, before I can officially leave.

[swbf2lord]

Writing lately has been.. a strain. With all the stresses, changes, business, and questions, I can hardly find time to record my thoughts here.
Talking with Arron has helped, significantly. I can relate to him, as one bard to another, more so than I could Therion, even. He's so much
like I was, and it saddens me to see how far removed I am from who I used to be. I made a promise, but it's a hard one to keep, when it's
not something I've done in ages, it feels like. I can't even remember where to start. I can play better than ever, but the soul of the music, lacks
depth, outside of a time I'm using it to destroy...

Therion remains ever vigilant, watchful, and careful for my soul. He cares about me, far more than anyone ever has, and I him. I feel at home with him,
when I'm around him. A peace, that calms the chaos inside. Even so, I worry, he's hiding something from me, but I don't know what. Trent
insists it's nothing to worry about, but I can't help but think he's planning something that will end him prematurely.. At least he seems in better spirits.

As for this most recent auction. Shock won again, and I avoided getting into a costly bidding war with the other bidder, whoever they may be.
The cost was more than I'd initially planned to lose, but only the smallest of setbacks. I still have plenty of funds, and gold is the least of my concerns.

I feel.. unsure of how to write this.. but, I feel my song may soon turn to something more deadly, and perhaps, unsavory. The energy seems to be
directed towards destruction and death, something I can't say I.. want. I must be careful of what I do from here on, for the effect it may have on me.

A raven is a bird of good or ill omen, as I have been told... which am I?

[swbf2lord]

New troubles arise in Vallaki, and here we are, Therion and I. The search is proving more.. difficult than we initially expected.
Some unexpected allies have arisen, but also unexpected foes. Right now, the difficult part is telling one from the other.

Unsettling news about myself. Possibilities. I tell Therion I'm fine, that I'll be okay, that nothing is wrong, but I suspect he knows
differently. Most days I try not to think about it. When I fail, and it comes to mind, it's hard to think, hard to breathe, even. Fear.
I don't blame him, but I can hardly move through a day, with it on my mind.

Seamus and that blasted Halan witch who hit me with a broom (and got a sword slap to the face in reply), were imprisoned by the
Ezrites in Von Zeklos keep. The fools in Vallaki were actually urging her to attack it. We don't need another Sywyn. Gods no.
Thankfully she appears to listen to reason. As for what she uncovered under the Keep... that will warrant more investigation.
Too many witches these days go around openly practicing. It's Barovia. A country that tortures and hunts down witches.
I hope she'll keep it more hidden in the future.

As for Therion, I worry about him these days. He seems different, bothered, tired, in some ways. He's more doting that usual,
more romantic even.. but I still get the feeling something is wrong, something bothering him that he's not telling me. He said
something the other night, about not being able to feel what I'm feeling, but refused to say more. I'll have to get it out of him somehow.
I do have to wonder what's become of this plot of his with Sesto. I still remember what I heard, and I'm almost certain I didn't
misunderstand him, though he was dreaming at the time. Something else to keep an eye out for.

On a side note, there seems to be a plethora of those newly drug into this land who think of themselves more highly than they ought.
I wonder if they'll ever learn..

Change, the season of twisting lines, and newly curved paths.

[swbf2lord]

Despite all that's happened since my last entry, I can't help but think of the last.
Her. She looks like -his- love. What will become of her now? In the chilled morning
air of Hazlan, as we realized the horrible truth, and that there was no way for us to
change fate, we saw her. Despite all Therion's words.. I still feel responsible for letting
her go. Reneé could've done something to hold her in place, I could've knocked her
unconcious.. something. It's too late now though, she's gone. If she's in Barovia,
then -he- knows....

Tragedy is the strongest drink; the most bitter wine.

[A small entry tacked on the bottom]
Therion seems to be developing a cold.. I'll have to spend most of my time caring for him.

[SingASongOfDeath]

[The leather-bound book is more worn with age. It's become faded, and dark. The writing on these
pages bears little resemblance in substance, although the flowing script is the same. This entry is
written entirely in Chondathan.]

So much time has passed since I last wrote. So many seasons have come and gone, bringing with
them change beyond imagination. One whom I expected to remain, eternally, has departed, and
those I expected to find death easily, have remained. There are so many new faces in these lands,
yet much remains the same. There's been and ended a war since I last opened this book. Somehow,
I doubt I would've found myself embroiled in that conflict, even had I not traveled far away.

These days, I find more and more that my travels are solitary. There is a peace to it, and yet, there
also lies within, a special kind of torment. Memories of those long-gone still are present in my mind.
I find a modicum of catharsis in exploration. Seeing that which hasn't been seen before. As of yet,
I feel I am still not understood by any who would claim me as a "friend". I feel I've lost something
along the way, with the passing of time. Others remark upon it, and I recognize it readily, yet I feel
caged; unable to break free of this gravity within me. I see those who remind me of myself when I was
younger. A young girl who was both trusting, and naïve. Now, I am neither of those things. Trust is
far and away from me. For the better, in some ways.

I'm asked to help others at times. Most recently, someone I'd call a friend. What baffles me is the life
they've chosen. Why? I ask myself this often. They burden themselves with unnecessary cares. Do
they not realize these problems are of their own making? If I am caged, then they are at the gallows.

I've taken to writing in Chondathan, more and more. I fear that, if I do not, I'll forget it entirely. How
many speak such a tongue here? I've not met any for a long time. A small part of me misses the
familiarity of the words.

Time is cruel to march onward when our hearts no longer do.