The Vallaki Monologues

[Calliope]

For so many reasons, people often make the sad mistake that I'm not smart. I'm very physical – and like to be. As you can see, I'm a woman as well. Put those two circumstances together, and nine out of ten will take you as common. Ordinary. Not special. Someone to be looked past. Well, let them. To be truthful, I suppose I encourage their perception. In the way I talk and carry myself. The way I dress.

I'm smart enough to know that you don't need to be reminding folks all the time how smart you truly are. They'll keep their guard up with you is what they'll do.

But the fact of the matter is I've long known I'm above average in most things. Whether or not others – especially some menfolk – appreciate me. I always knew that someday I'd rise above my raisings as it were. Being brought to this place seemed like a sign, a lucky chance, in that regard, however it was I came to be here.

I didn't have no one or much more than the clothes on my back when I woke up. Never been content to wait for opportunity to hit me upside the head, let me tell you. I take whatever crosses my path and make the best of it cause smarts aren't near enough. You have to work your ass off and not be afraid to cut a few...corners, as it were.

I've overheard the rest of them – the other four – saying to be careful about me because I can't control my tongue. Little do they guess. I know a damn sight more of their secrets than they know of mine.

Not that I mean them any harm. Or that I'm strong enough to hurt them except for the rude wee one. Ah, her with the flying critter. She's as smart as me, I warrant, but one quick movement of my blade when she's napping and...

Now, now. I don't want you to get the wrong idea on that score. I'm simply saying just because I talk a lot, don't mean my lips reveal any more than a babbling brook. For certain I know how to be keeping what's important to myself.

Aren't you enjoying this fine summer weather? I know I am.

[Calliope]

I told you I was good at keeping secrets, and the last few weeks have proved it. So many things I've been witness to, conversations I've overheard, and kept to myself. Someone once told me that the best way to hide something was to leave it right out in the open, and I believe that's true.

I'm quite proud of myself: how with so little help I've accomplished so much right under their noses. You'd think the company I keep someone like me wouldn't stand a chance in a place like this. Oh sure, those four are all honorable--except for maybe the wee one I told you about before, but believe you me I have my eye on her all the time. The one with the hood insists on us all treating each other with courtesy. But not everyone in Barovia is like him, and to be honest I never have much use for his kind and all their high-flown ideals. Give me a break. The pretty one, though, she stuck up for me the other day, so that's at least a point in her favor. And then there's you-know-who: the one I would give my heart to if he would only take it. That's not a secret!

Where was I? Oh yeah, I'm talking about when I'm not with them...when I go off on my own. It's exciting to feel so vulnerable and take such risks, knowing that all these months of preparation and work could be undone by one misstep. That's what keeps me going, though, in this often dull and dreary town where so many others have no hope at all. I can only press my nose to the grindstone for so long between uncontrollable impulses to run into some patch of darkness and see what lurks there.

Not having much use for honest men or mousy women, I'm not sure why I took a like to the lady scholar. It's certainly not a natural friendship. Perhaps I was attracted by how she had secrets of her own.

[Calliope]

I pushed my luck a little too far.

Maybe I was trying to impress the scholar...not let her and her timid manners do something I'm clearly better at. Not around those two big, strapping men, anyway. At least one of them was a man. Not so sure what the other was. My tastes run to broad shoulders like RB has--why would I want a man who needs me to carry things for him?--but that one? If I met such on the road, I most likely'd reach for my weapon. He was friendly, though, if a body could get past that mug of his.

All of us took a beating, the scholar included. I don't know why she likes to ruin those swell duds of hers going down among the rot and decay. Her fine pants sure had some deep rends in them by the end of the night! I had to chuckle at the rear view she was presenting without even knowing.

The worst part aside from almost dying was having to be rescued by that infernal dwarf.  He's got some nice things I wouldn't mind helping myself to, but after someone saves your life, stealing their valuables seems almost wrong.

Haven't heard from the gang for several days. Despite the thrashing I endured, I feel--no, I know!--that I'm growing stronger and more skilled all the time. I've recouped all the money RB took from me and then some.

I just know he's going to be impressed with my progress. He'd better be.

[Calliope]

I'll tell you one difference twixt men and women: strong men aren't like strong women. Strong men more like pretty women. Both of them know when they're in a place that's all the folks is looking at. They both can get away with being dumb, strong men and pretty women can. I'm not saying all strong men...only they act that way and everyone puts up with them. Sometimes dumb comes to be a habit, though. Habitual idiot, you might call one of the specimens I'm talking about.

Because big men be the way they is -- and they is more of them then of us strong women -- that's the reason everyone assumes a strong woman is dumb too. A she-oaf, an ogress. Know what I mean?

What's got me talking this way is RB. I'm crazy about that man, but sometimes not crazy in a good way. You're not a fool, my love. Why must you act like one?

He told the Hood I'm not "self-reliant" enough for him...too clingy. Always wanting his help, like I was a weak, scared female. How can he be so stupid? Why can't a man with a strong back and shoulders like mine match me for smarts and above all understanding of folks? I may not be educated, but I read a man or woman good as the scholar reads her book she keeps her nose glued in.

No. RB's not that stupid. He just can't admit he's wrong about me and so he comes up with jackass reasons. I get it.

Self-reliant? He's always palling around with the pretty one and the Hood. He gets a nosebleed and it's "patch me up" to the Hood. He gets a little spider bite, and it's "gimme an antidote" to the Hood. Me, I go round for days with wounds festering because nobody tends them and I got too much to do to rest right. Who made all the fang slaving all on my own he "borrowed" from me like he was my pimp? And gave to her, I might add.

By and by, just wait and see. Everyday I'm discovering new talents I never know'd I had. I don't need or want your help, my love. But...desperately...I still want...and will have...you. 

[Calliope]

Looks like I have a new job for the winter thanks to the professor. He told me not to call him that but he sure seems like one to me. He's not as rough as me...oozes education and breeding...but we have one thing in common: we are doers. We don't wait round for things to happen. We roll up our sleeves & seize every opportunity offered & then some. He's too pretty a man for my usual tastes, but I do enjoy his enthusiasm. Such a breath of fresh air and possibility in this tiresome grind.

The professor introduced me to a new woman who put my teeth on edge. I don't think it was jealousy, but she started running down my clothes. Even my best duds that show off my bosoms! If he hadn't been there, I would of ripped all her hair off her head & made her eat it. She promised to make me a new outfit, though, & I expect we'll get along after all. She assures me she has no interest in the professor. We do have to work together, & I don't see no reason not to overlook that first bit of rudeness. I don't always make the best impression myself out of the gate.

Maybe I can get RB to come see me in the threads she's making for me. If they's scandalous enough and he sees me scampering around with the professor in them he's libel to go berserk & wreck the joint! I wouldn't let him kill the professor, but it would sure be fun to watch him try.

[Calliope]

Those who already have all they want in life can sleep & lie about indoors during the damnable cold winter. I'm working more then ever. I'm most excited by my new job with the professor, but that hardly aint enough to keep this girl busy. My arms are bigger & sore from swinging the hammer, & I feel its ringing still in my hands as I write this here. At least the forge is warm. Not like digging & scratching in the mountains. Ran into a couple of critters down in the mines the other day that I aint never seen. They sure was sneaky tho & caught me by surprise. I scrambled out right quick, both cut &...sparked it felt like. They was working together to get me I think even though they weren't the same kind of critter at all. & meanwhile the stupid bats got a peck or two too & even a rock bounced upside my skull.

Shadow & hell!

I'm starting to get hold of some of the local tongue from over-hearing it & dealing so much with the men in the warehouse & smithy. I told you I was smart, & now I'm starting to get educated too. Not in useless book learning mind you. But so I can overhear what people are saying when they don't think I can. My Dwarve talk may soon be passable too. I heard some local gossip about the ghoulie--so it's still around--but I've stayed clear of it for a good while now.

The Hood told me to show the wee one how to lead an ox around & make money hauling. Bwah! She needs two oxes because she can't haul a feather herself. What a useless hank of thread that bare pocket  is so far. & the mouth on her! She told me the job was boring. & her getting more money then she ever got in her life afore. I suppose she'd rather be off doing her conjuring. All I've seen her do so far is card tricks & call that nasty critter of hers up.

I reckon the Hood & the pretty one had some kinda big argument later. Don't know what they was arguing about. Don't much care. More & more I think me & the pretty one sees eye to eye about things. Nobody likes the Hood too much & his bossy ways which do get worse every moment. Too high-minded to be of any use, he is, if you ask me.

RB seems to be avoiding me, but I'm going to try to get him to come to the show. If he's not impressed then I'm libel to do I don't know what.

[Calliope]

Speak of the devil. No sooner do I mention the ghoulie before the thing shows up again. I went looking for the scholar because I miss that gal for some reason. There's always this love-hate relationship between me & book learning & the people who knows it. Something lacking in me I'm always scheming how I might get ahold of it I suppose...draws me to the one thing I'm unlikely to ever get. I only ever learn by doing.

I didn't find her, but I come upon the professor sitting & praying in the temple. What a sight for sore eyes after all these hours in the mines! Tho I'd not expected him to be a knee-bender. He seemed right happy to see me too and had brung the dress AL made for me. Only as soon as we commenced talking, two people come running up from the crypts, a man & a woman. The man said something had been trying to eat him & the woman said it was the ghoulie. I reckon she rescued him just in time. (Typical.)

I don't think the ghoulie remembered me, but I sure remembered it. That woman started rassling with me because she thought I was fool enough to do down into the crypts after it. Bwah! Another one taken in by my simpletonian appearances.

All the work I been doing paid off because I was prepared when it started threatening to come up into the temple. I had a little surprise planned for it but I reckon it's a crafty ghoulie because it never showed its bug-eaten face.

The real fool was the man she saved. He run back outside & chomp, chomp. That thing made short work of him & begun knocking on the temple door wanting to show us all its handiwork like a child playing with clay. No thank you.

I stayed safe inside with the professor, who despite coming to pray had a bottle with him that he let me have a snort from. He told me about posh places like Dementheliu that my heart pines to see. We would have been all alone if not for that woman & I kept wishing she'd go outside too.

[Calliope]

I have to be careful about prosperity. Everything is coming up rose bushes for now & that makes it easy to be a good girl & play by the rules. But I mustn't lose sight of the fact that those who really get ahead know the rules is only for other people.

Take the Professor. Here I was getting all smug & satisfied with my progress, but that man knows how to take it up a notch, let me tell you. He had this old crate that I got to peering in & it was filled with all kinds of goodies. Even better then that hard-nosed dwarf was selling. I was sore tempted to help myself but controlled my desires by digging my fingernails right hard into my palms.

He's a sly boots, the Professor is. He made like he couldn't do nothing about the ghoulie the other night, but when I got to quizzing him about where he come by this & that, it sounded to me like he's faced some pretty fiendish foes. & his face don't show nairy a mark. To top it all, the varnishes he let me have a stock of was way better then any I knowed afore now. I can only gnash my teeth they is so far out of reach of my mere capabilities.

Boy howdy am I glad to get hold of them tho because they suit my other projects.

Contrasting the Professor with RB, the nice thing about RB is I know where I stand with him, which is far away. He is repulsed by my physical yearnings. By the by, as much as I think the Hood's a pain in the arse, he's not going to let RB do anything too fatal to me.

I met the writer of the Professor's play & he told me the Professor was his best friend. He didn't even know about my upcoming grand debut. Well!

We was locked out of Vallaki, & the writer fell asleep & left me to keep watch over him & the fire. I snucked down the sewers tho instead. I hope he didn't freeze to death, but setting all night with my shivering ass watching him snooze was not this girl's idea of excitement. Anyway, he had his ox to keep him warm & the wolves would have to be awful starving to have et them both.

Later I was in the bar snorting a couple & this other woman with a high-class accent told me the Professor was friends with everyone & I shouldn't put too much store by how nice he was to me. Well and well.

(Saw two of them wee people come in for their honeymoon while I was drinking. Even a midget woman got her man to love her & buy her a pretty gown. Why can't I?)

RB...there's no surprises. But I expect the Professor is full of them. The only surprises I like is the ones I know about ahead of time.

[Calliope]

Fortune's wheel once again dropped me in the slop bucket.

The professor postponed our little confab, & I was left with not much to do. I was plumb tired of the places I've already seen & studying the hauling list at the Warehouse when I spied this job for Midway Haven. The gang took me there once afore, so it wasn't entirely new, but I remembered liking it. They play the daintiest music & you can dabble in making things that help in my little...hobby.

Very smart people, I must say. Like the professor & the scholar (who I aint seen in a Drow's age). If my life had gone another way, maybe I would be working & studying in some similar place, but you have to play the hand you're dealt--provided you've not thought ahead & slipped a few extra cards betwixt your bosoms, that is.

So I set out for Midway with my good & faithful ox. Which reminds me. If I catch who keeps leaving all their crafting crap in the forge & anvil, I'm going to slit them from where their food comes in to where it goes out. Some damn fool filled it with useless tin ingots & left it for me to dump. If I wanted to waste my life cleaning up after a gormless idiot, I'd already have me a husband.

Me & the ox made it a fer piece down the road with her being a good baby. She stood still while I checked ahead for danger, just munching her cud through two different packs of wolves I dispatched right smartly.

We was almost to Midway when disaster struck like a silver-gilded werebaby pacifier. Great globs of some kind of pale yellow snot or something was filling the road in front of me. Worse it started moving closer. I'd heard of such before & knew you didn't want to try to cut into it, so I put up my trusty rapier in exchange for my forging hammer. BAM! BAM! I powed that sucker.

Before I knowed it, though, more and more of the gross jelly was all over me & even trying to eat chunks off me my leather didn't protect. The sensation was none too pleasant, sister.

I wasn't going down without a fight, let me tell you, but I think I would have been a goner except...old Babe charged over & lit into them too. Thanks to bovine intervention, I lived to relate this to you, but poor old Babe is no more. What's left of her would likely make reliable glue if I had a way of getting it to the knacker's.

As it was, I limped to Midway where I drank a toast to the finest ox this girl ever shared the road with.

[Calliope]

My dogs are so tired from this last fandango I'm bound to keep the telling of it short. & anyway, I was sworn to secrecy by a stranger it seems wise to me to fear & respect, despite how nice he was to me. I saw what he could do to everything what tried to cross mine & his path, & I don't intend to join them.

Those slime snots I told you about? They're more of them then I ever knowed living in a cavern along the roadside where I spotted them four or five that et my ox. With help from the mysterious stranger, I must have killed a number higher then I can count. I do know I scooped them up in my flasks until I couldn't carry no more snot & I'm a right strong girl. Meantime, this feller just kept laughing a kind of spooky laugh and showering me with all the treasure we found.

Sister, I thought for sure the other shoe was going to drop when he got me alone by the campfire at night. I knowed if he wanted to have his way with me there was little I could do to resist except mebbe run for it--he complained whenever I walked fast that he was old & couldn't keep up. Running at night tho might lead to worse dangers then a gropey man who if not for the laugh wasn't such a bad sort anyways. He wasn't so old I'd not at least have entertained the notion versus being vittles for some wolfwere. But danged if all he wanted was some conversation & news of the city, which I was more then willing to oblige, seeing how generous he'd been.

I told him about the professor & my big debut. I shore hope him & RB both come. Nothing like knowing three powerful men is watching to make me perform at my hair-raising best.

[Calliope]

Such grand news the Professor had for me today. He has moved me to the lead in his extravagant production & I'm about to explode as a result of this unpredictable development. I arrived only a few minutes tardy to rehearsal which is pretty good for me to find the Professor alone with his mighty thoughts. It seems AL had let him down I reckon but her misfortune is my gain. She should stick to dressmaking in my professional opinion anyways as the outfit she made for me I am quite happy with, but only some of us is naturally born to stardom.

I met the rest of the cast too & was more than relieved to see that the wolves had not et the writer. I would hate to think my boredom cost the world a literary genius that he so blatantly obtains to be.

I was thoroughly tickled when the Professor put us through our rites. He seemed relaxed even though folks showed up whenever they felt like. Most of the jobs I have worked my arse would of been in for a whupping had it waddled in so complacently. But he knowed what he was doing because we artists are a temper mental lot and would not take kindly to our arses being whupped.

His example inspired us all to leave our egos in the theater seats watching rather than participating in the spectacle before their view on the stage.

What a spectacle it was, let me tell you! You will have to come see & hear it to get a full appreciation of the gyrations we intend. But I would be forgetful not to mention the beauteous singing this little Elven girl came & chortled for us. She was like the Hood in her standoff do-gooderism so that I wonder whether all them Elves oozes it just so. But when that girl began to play & sing I felt my grievous heart burst clean free from my bosoms.

I had to dab the mess it made of my eyes right quick before anyone seed it.

[Calliope]

My tremendous debut is now in the history books. I felt a might giddy until one of my partners in the job reminded me to relax with a drink aforehand. He was having a pain himself that caused him not to want to set & I reckon the booze helped numb that.

Then I couldn't find my costume or my shepherding crook, but that Elf singer girl helped me out. Otherwise I guess I would have had to go on & just pretend like I was holding & wearing something. She also warmed the crowd up for us & sounded even better then in rehearsal. I think her beau might of been in the audience cause she dashed off stage to talk to some feller as soon as everything was over. None of the gang came to see me like that. I suspect it is they are jealous of my developing cultural ways. I don't care none except I wish I could of had some arms (RB's) to dash into like the arms she dashed into along with the rest of him.

Afterwards I drunk me a snootful & passed out alone in my toasty warm bubble bath. It was cold & the bubbles had all popped when I awaked.

The Professor is always free & easy with his cash, so I'm not worried too much he aint paid me yet, but my fingers are sorely itching to feel the touch of that gold. It will help me forget missing arms & popped bubbles.

[Calliope]

It seems I have much to catch up on. After my notoriotous debut, I was in great need of a holiday & that's what I observed. All work & no play was making this gal a bit dull. I was loosing my joy de fever.

So I set out to see what this wide world has to offer. Not much. If there is one place grimmer then Vallaki it is the town of Barovia proper. Along the way I seed a mighty castle up on the hill side I thought about visiting but seeing how I was getting wetter then an otter's back & it did not look the least bit inviting I went on my way. While in Barovia I did have the fine fortune of crossing paths with my beau RB & we even shared a wagon ride together. He stunk mightily but little did I care as I nuzzled my head into his spacious & welcoming armpit.

There was others in the wagon with us but I pretended we was all alone in the kind of fancy carriage I will one day be able to buy.

One of them was a bold fighting man who had injured his eye by contacting it with a thrown glass. Even so he proved a brave warrior. Me, him, & RB put down several fancy ogres who crossed our paths without so much as drawing a scratch on ourselves. I snucked up behind of them big critters & impaled one's arse afore it knew what it was up against. The pretty one was there too but I can't honestly say she contributed much. She wouldn't even flirt with the stranger no matter how much I tried to show her how.

Back in Vallaki the Professor made good on my pay. Lands sake but it is a lot of money. I like this theatre business. I am more likely to get that carriage strutting my bosoms on stage then gathering herbs and carrying fish I reckon.

Sad to say, the Professor reports many of the troupe have departed the calling due to mysterious death. He even lost his beloved. I told him life goes on tho & patted him right heartily on the back. I cannot stand to see a man like him laid low & tho I am not a sentimental creature by nature will take it upon myself to drag him out of the ditch his ox has fallen into.

It is the least I can do for someone who pays me so well.

[Calliope]

RB is libel to learn Barovia teams with affection-starved men more appreciative of my charms then he sometimes shows. In only the last couple of weeks I've had one after the other swooning for me until I feel heartless in how I must refuse their bold approaches.

One mysterious suitor tramped miles through the mountains merely to fetch me lumps of charcoal for fueling my forge to its fiery hottest. He was not the best talker, but his simple romanticism earned marks in my ledger of love.

& speaking of hearts, this other passionate swain presented me with one he had plucked from the chest of a vampire. Or so he claimed. I looked at it but having never seed a vampire's heart could not tell in whose chest it had once beated. Dead or undead. I am keeping it with me for now until I come across an expert who can reassure me of its authenticity. One way or the other, the man is either as brave as he claims or a very great liar. Which I do not fault. I would hardly blame him if he employed such a skillful tongue in trying to woo yours truly.

Then there was the most handsomest of all who would even put RB to shame in the face department. He was so dressed up I could not see any of his other parts to compare so RB might have the edge there.

I heard of a big to-do they was having at Court & knew it would be a fine chance to show off my new duds. I hope I did not ruin them in my hasty preparation. I was fresh from scrounging & still reeked a bit without the chance to wash my carcass.  The sweat did help me slide my womanly figure into the tight-fitting clothes.

All thoughts of cleanliness disappeared when I saw the feller I am talking about. I hoped to slink away once the talking began because I would rather slit my wrists then set still & listen. But I was smitten like a alley cat lured to a flame. To my great gusto they invited me into the court & I was able to set by the manly creature. He kept playing hard to get with me like RB does but I could see him looking with misty eyes at me all the same.

He had a bunch of stuff to say about some friend of his who is in trouble. I am picking up some of the local language after all this time here & I would have followed it cept for being so distracted looking at him from behind whilst he spoke it.

He dashed off when he finished & I wanted to jump right after him but lo & behold they called me to speak!

So I asked the burgomeister about all the recent going ons with the rulers & old Strahd being dead. Several jealous folks hissed at my intemprance but I do believe the burgomeister found me charming. No doubt he gets tired of all them dull people with nothing but one complaint after the other that he could care less about. I gave him the relief to talk about what was most on his own mind I am sure.

The whole time tho I was wondering where that fella had got to.

[Calliope]

More I improve, the more Barovia seems to remain the same & my fortunes long with it. I done a good deed but the gods seen fit to lay me as low as always. It did help my love life as I met a new feller to give RB a run for his money (& RB is durn fast or I would have caught him a long time ago).

His name is Don. Most women might not appreciate Don on account he has an ugly gash on his neck where something tried to lop his head off, but it gives him some charm if you ask me. Most charming of all is how he talks or mostly don't. That means when I say something he don't have to respond which is how I think conversation in general should work. When he did have something important to say, he give out this growl that warmed all my blood and made me want to scratch him behind the ears.

According to RB, Don carried me all the way from Midway to some hole in the slums that I aint never seed afore. Then with the tenderest of loving care he nursed my damaged but still beautous body back to health. I do believe he was too much of a gentlemen to take advantage of the situation but I woke wearing his coat & scarcely nothing else.

Both him & RB was standing over me with the most mournful of looks on their faces. Deciding betwixt them for the time was relieved by the presence of another woman, the pretty one. I didn't want to embarrass her by having me two lovers while her for all her perfumed finery had none.

It was not the most romantic of settings, with all the heaving sickness about, but Don's ardor was evident. He went to remove his coat that draped my undefended ramparts knowing full well he would expose my bosoms to the hungry gaze of all. (I suppose only him & RB's gaze was truly hungry for the exposing, but that aint the point.)

Though he had been gentle until now, he tore the coat from me. I cried out in pain despite myself because my wounds were still unheeled but he ignored my pleas as his lips sought mine & he took his reward. If the other two had not been there, who knows how far he would have gone?

I wonder. When I am all better, I will have to ask him in person.

[Calliope]

I am so excited to report I have found me a tutor. She reminds me greatly of Eribeth, that bug scholar who tried to straighten me out once before, but to no avail. I wonder whatever happened to Beth. Most likely something et her, but that's another way Miss Farthingale reminds me of her. She does not want me to call her by her first name.

Anyhoo, Miss Farthingale is teaching me so many things my head is like to explode with all the knowledge she is squishing into my skull. Oh & my stars, but she gave me a fine gown to wear. I would have said my stars & garters, but she has taught me it is important that ladies not reference their underthings except at the appropriate time. I think she means with your beau.

This gown is all of silk, but like a damn fool I managed to rip the hem of it while standing agape in Port Lucre. I walked right on it my eyes were so besotted with the sites of that fair city. Miss Farthingale was very kind. Not like how they would have whupped my arse for making such a mistake back in the day at the mill even for spilling a bag of grain. I'm sure this gown is many times more valuable then spilled millet. Unfortunately it is a tad rank this morning on account of my own stink while wearing it. I'll put the lye & washboard to it, tho, & have it good as new.

I got sweaty because on the way to Port Lucre we run into all kinds of evil doers. At least in that respect I held my own with Miss Farthingale because that poor gal didn't see fit to bring a weapon with her. I was so busy defending us both I didn't she how she managed, but somehow she come through with little more then her hair a mite tossled.  I got wounded pretty bad but she sewed up a couple of them & her tidy work on my shoulder gives me confidence she can stitch this gown as well. I had my armor on during the fighting of course but had to switch into the gown without even a chance at bathing between.

Oh & land's sake but I met a honest-to-god baron. He had so many fine things that if Miss Farthingale weren't there I'd been libel to try to help myself to some of them.

[Calliope]

I don't feel I fit in this place, but I want to. Having seen the fine life & tho I'm missing of my companions, I'm resolved to better myself worthy of my aspired station. I've not seen Miss Farthingale in a fortnight, but in the meantime I've not let the moss grow under my arse neither.

I've explored this amazing city & looked for work because that has always been my way. I've yet to find any means of applying all the talents I'm spectacular at so thieving was awful tempting, especially after they refused to let me work at the place I most wanted to: the grand library. The man looked at me & shook his head sorrowfully like he thought I was a idiot. But I commenced studying them books & I aim to prove him wrong someday. Plus, I want to impress Miss Farthingale with my progress next time we meet.

What books they have here is countless. Reading them has filled my head with more lust for knowledge & expandable horizons. I wanted to hide one in my bosoms & sneak it out for later reading, but again I stayed good. I don't want to disappoint Miss Farthingale & make her feel she has wasted her efforts should I get nicked in the process.

That dress she give gave me is doing better now that I found a tailer what mend it for me. I bet she won't even tell the difference.

I'm so lonely tho without RB & the rest. All this improving myself is a isolating experience but I will surely bust asunder when he sees me afterward.

[Calliope]

Making my way in this beauteous city has been difficult & more then than one time  I've wanted to tuck my tail between my legs  & go back to Vallaki, but I'm convinced coming here was the right decision for me.

My horizons have been opened wide as a harlot's bedroom door by the sophistication & high-stepping manners of Port-a-Lucine & its people. I've not told Miss Farthingale about my job at the warehouse because I'm afeared she would think it likely to worsen my manners despite all her efforts to polish my coarse bits. But it pays good & I hope to make more money from my big news that I'm fixing to tell you. I have a second enterprise working with the fine drama house.

The professor did his best in Vallaki to put on a good show, but the theatre here beats the Broken Bell all to pieces. So I was more than surprised that they welcome me into their troop even after I made a damn fool of myself. This handsome rake who is going to star in the production had my heart beating out of my bosoms just to be close to him. So I proceeded to try to put myself forward as much as I could in hopes he would notice me.

I was trying my best to be entertaining & witty when come to find out he's a widower likely in the throws of grief. I'm too embarrassed to relate the worst thing I done did. He was gracious about it, but I'm mortfied to show my face again in his presence.

I'll suck it up & do so tho because Miss Tabitha (the big boss) is going to be depending on me & no matter how much I showed my arse & my face will burn when I see him, my heart will burn if'n I don't.

All the women at the rehearsal seemed impressed with my amulet, which is strange because more often it catches the eyes of men. One lady in particular kept looking at hers & seemed disappointed not to have as nice a one as mine.

I'll ask Miss Farthingale about this widower situation when next I see her. She has her a beau after all & I expect he's from these parts so she must know the secrets of wooing the local gents.

[Calliope]

Dark nights of bottomed-out lonesomeness in Port-a-Lucine give me a spell to think about my experiences herebefore. My work during the day keeps me sweaty & panting, & evenings at the library I absorb so much I can't think straight. But as I flop down on my cold, barren bed with nothing & no one I reflect.

Some who have wronged me:

My daddy. When my mama died, he neglected to encourage my finer qualities. I didn't think much about this afore now. I always tried to be the kind of brat he wanted & earn his love by being strong like him but a sight more so. I never fell weak-kneed before the bottle for one.

After Miss Farthingale told me about her life on her own with neither a mama or papa, I saw that with some education I could have had another path. Not approaching her, of course, but not the crate-carrying clod I so long was. Reading these books I know I am already smarter than Daddy & that's maybe why he always dismissed book learning. Instead of bettering me, he kept me brutish.

The Gang. Some were indifferent or even kind in their way, but like my daddy they generally saw me as a beast to exploit. Them & their confusing cause. They used my feelings for RB to take my money while laughing at my ignorance, sometimes right in my face. I haven’t forgot when I was alone and they sicced that critter on me, either. How I would have quivered for a word of praise from any of them!

Enough feeling sorry for myself. Here are people I owe something to:

Eribeth. Wherever that bug scholar has gone, she saved my life when I was too crude to appreciate it. If not my head or my virtue, that horseman would least have stole my wanton tongue without her intervention. I was disrespectful to her tho & now I regret it. I chafed against her well-meaning reins. But I will learn from my mistake & not do the same with Miss Farthingale.

The Professor. He took me as a diamond in the buff & tried to lift me up from all my muddy wallowing. I don't think he cared for me except as a project--not the way a man ought care for a woman anyways--but he stuffed me with his mighty ambition.
 
I always aimed high before but only for gold. I enjoyed nothing so much as counting my coins. Each one added to my purse meant a measure more of go-to-hell security. The professor showed me the better things of life & gave me some of them with both hands. On the stage under him in front of all those people I learned how not being safe but rather being uncomfortable can also be thrilling. He once told me he was charmed by Vallaki’s lack of sophistication and stayed there to improve it. Polishing my rough bits I reckon to him was whitening one more stone in the Gray City’s walls.

Miss Farthingale. I believe every person makes her own fate, so me asking for a tutor was what brought her into my life. Even so there can't be too many like her in this dreadsome realm. I was guarded of her to start with because nobody can really be good as she acts. I wondered whether she might, like Daddy & the gang, cast a covetous eye on my strength, blade, or hoarded booty. But once I saw her with this wounded Falkovian boy & how she is just that way with everyone...what use could anyone make of this sniveling helpless kid? Yet she is tender with him & stays shut up with him instead of showing off her finery & swanning about with the other snobs.

I know I make bad decisions & can't help it oftimes. Wading into those black puddings wearing nothing but my underdrawers & trying to strangle them with my bear hands was one…I see that now.

It’s because I don't care for anyone who tries to tell me what to do or says I can’t do something I’m itching to. But I believe Miss Farthingale can show me how to find the right way in my mess of a life. She gave me this book to study, which is good because I can't take the library books home. For now it & my script will be my night-time companions.

[Calliope]

[The handwriting is unsteady.]

So giddy I feel at all I’ve poured from these big tomes into my head & above all at my startling plan! I wandered the past few evenings, itching to get out for a time from the quiet of the library.

Strangely, I miss the sweaty heat of the forge & its rhythms. I have found one here but lack for the iron to release my stifled anger upon. Bereft I tossed a lump of charcoal I brought with me in & watched it smolder. Gazing at the white-hot flames, I had my first idea—to make some small armor for Franz & perhaps even Miss Farthingale, so as to protect them from future mobs. I could almost see my art flickering therein, like in a vision. But I know she’d be skittish to wear such as no one hereabout does.

My frustrated desires at last eased when I found this gun shop. I never cottoned to shooting as RB is the only wight I know whoever used a piece & he said it singed his hand right fierce. Him who never felt any pain including my own that he was the instrument of. But a musket would be just the thing to equalize the situation for a boy or a delicate lady like Miss Farthingale. She wears gloves so a gun would not burn her fingers & would of certain be an improvement because her hands are bruised from having to punch & slap the louts that bedevil her.

Me & Franz could lark about together discharging the gun whenever our brains need to escape their confines momentarily. That sullen hussy who sometimes attends Miss Farthingale scowled at my suggestion, but I could care less what she thinks.

I was further convinced of my plan’s cunning last night. Again restless I took a stroll through town when a ne’er-do-well fell upon me. My rage & mettle set him running like a vile coward but the underhanded bastard led me a merry chase to where his mate was roosting. His craven partner had an ax & fetched my back a delicious blow that gashed my shoulder profusely until I nearly swooned. My survival instinct alone bore me back to the nearby gendarmes, leaving a trail of steaming blood on the cobblestones behind. I must have spilt a couple of gallons.

I missed a whole day’s work as a result of the wound & yanking the stage light chains like Miss Tabitha told me to now hurts to good hell. If me & that ax meet again I aim to put a bullet through the eyes of the devil swinging it.

Since Miss Farthingale brought me here, my speaking & writing have improved so as to shame my former ignorance. Every day I subjugate a new word!

[Calliope]

[The handwriting is steadier. The writer's penmanship has also begun to improve in the last few entries. The letters are less exaggerated and florid.]

My shoulder is almost good as new, but the ache has only moved to my bosom. More of that later.

First the good news: I presented Miss Farthingale with my gift & it was well received. She even told me a viscount had recommended the same idea to her. I'll be sure to stick my tongue out to its full length next time I see that sullen short stack who told me not to do it.

My victory was pieric tho in that my tutor seemed disappointed in my understanding of her book. She asked for it back after I told her what I thought it meant. I tried to explain to her that some kinds of learning come easy to me--memorizing & talking, for one--but philosophies like hers are harder to understand. I couldn't call up the right words until later, but I know what is concrete and care little for what is abstract. When her mind travels to mighty questions of good & evil & what we have twisting inside us, I am unable to keep up. If it doesn't help me in the here & now, I don't see much point to thinking about it.

I don't believe she has given up on me completely, tho. She has provided me a place to stay & we shared some secrets of sisters, not just tutor & student. I am thankful for the lodging as the gift put a dent in my horde & it is difficult to rebuild it in this expensive city.

I have made at least one possible friend in the crew of the play. I was talking to the costumer during the last rehearsal & like me she is a practical woman who works with her hands. I was also much better with Edwin because of something that happened before rehearsal.

Which leads to the cause of the throbbing in my bosom.

RB came to see me & was so nice! I bought him dinner & showed him some of the sights of the city, but he was not so impressed as me, grumbling & such. Still, I could tell he was moved by all my changes & accomplishments & I could see in his eyes how much he approved even if he wouldn't tell me so. While we were swanning about together, some ruffians jumped us. I took little hurt from them but they mangled his winsome self up like a dog that's got hold of a juicy, mouth-watering steak.

After I finished off the last of them & we was alone, he let me bandage his wounds. I'm not much of a nurse & my hands are far from soft or smoothe, but I bestowed all the tender loving care on his bleeding holes I have in my body. He looked at me with love in his eyes, I just know it.

[A huge blot stains this part of the paper.]

When we were sweet talking I got him to promise to take me to the big ball they were holding to restore the city museum. I was so excited I thought my head would explode.

I resolved not to throw myself at Edwin anymore because of wanting to be loyal to RB. This made rehearsal much easier because I could concentrate on my work & not be distracted by Edwin's ever-present manliness. It didn't even bother me when the two of us were close together & practically alone at the end. I just told him I needed to practice operating the lights some more.

Alas, my loyalty to RB got me nothing as the scoundrel failed to show when promised. I was too humilitated to go by myself, no matter how much my legs itched to take me there.

Miss Farthingale has her philosophy of depravity deprivation to comfort her in her solitude. But despite all my self-improvement, I sleep in this queenly room tonight all alone. What is to be gained by so much sacrifice during my green & salad days? I can read books when I am old & my hide cured by Tanner Time, but my body will not always be so strong & affording of pleasure.

[Calliope]

How tired my mind is between my lessons & the hard work of the play! My eyes look packed & ready for a Barovian holiday.

The lights are becoming second nature to me now like most activities I set my mind to. We had so many horn in for the rehearsal that I wonder whether these mooches will still pay when it's time to fork over Solars (the money hereabouts). I spied in the audience a dreadfully ugly gal I used to know back in Valakki, even more of a hulk than me, & I must say I was surprised that such womb freaks are let to attend shows. As I told Miss Farthingale, some of my best friends have been Calibans & I almost took me a Caliban lover that one time, but then I'm not a high-society snob like the regular locals.

Maybe I was cross because the one I most wanted to see at rehearsal was not there. But that Caliban had told me to stop running when I was hustling my arse to rehearsal just like she used to fuss at me about my ox getting in her way on the road to the mines. She carried her own ore by gum but then she looks like her mother was an ox (including in the mug) if you ask me.

I thought, “Who the hell does this snoutface think she is now? A garda?” If I had not been in such a hurry & in my nice duds I would have give her what for. Turns out, they let Calibans wear uniforms & everything here. Maybe even carry guns!

Midget Magda was there too, so it seems my bedevillers come in all shapes & sizes to pester me.

A new man showed up to act in the play. Well, I'm not going to throw myself at this one that's for sure, although he was toothsome & it was cute the way he stammered around on his lines & had stage fright. I well remember before I became an accomplished actress when I was in his fearful shoes but I ribbed him about it nonetheless. To put him at ease I told him to do what I do: imagine everyone buck (or is it butt?) naked.

I did not have to imagine long about him because I stole a peak into the dressing room when he was changing. Actor soldiers are all some nice-looking man flesh, & I have decided the stage must be the best of places for a resourceful woman to hook herself a beau.

[Calliope]

Some observations I ought not reveal even here. Miss Farthingale told me when we last spoke it was best not to let the poison of others poison us – not to hold bitter, spiteful feelings close for example. Why do I still let these destructive feelings of frustration & loneliness seep into my moments of greatest triumph?

The last few days I had so many successes & everything seemed to be going so well. Miss Tabitha let me practice not one but two parts in the play! Unfortunately during rehearsal I made a mistake & hit Laura so hard I knocked her to the floor. It was not my fault. No one told me what they expected me to do! Or that the little hank is as fragile as glass when it comes to being socked. That was the first fire beetle in the ointment of my hair-raising victories.

Schmoozing with so many artists & studying so much fine writing at the library set me to try my own hand at being creative with words. After practicing my Mordentish greetings & numbers & colors for what seemed like hours I wrote a highly personal poem to clear my noggin. I could not get it to rhyme much but I liked the sound the words made when I belted them aloud in the library. It made me feel real good about myself whether those shushing scholars approved or not.

That wore out my welcome with the big heads for the time being & I had to get some fresh sea air on my skin anyways before heading to the hotel & bed. As dusk fell on the shore I found this new club they just opened. My how inviting it was! Inside a strong muscled man like I fancy rubbed my shoulders till I fixed to melt into sun-kissed butter in his pleasurable grasp. He talked real sweet to me too. I was around the moon but then something happened I am keeping to myself that spoilt the mood. Also a serving woman there gave me a bottle of wine that would be the real agent of my dreadful downfall.

It was called Temptation & had a peculiar picture of a saucy wench on it & I saved it to share with Miss Farthingale a day or two later. I got to drinking it a bit much with her because I enjoyed her conversation & how it made me feel & I was tired I reckon. So very tired from all the studying & rehearsing & working at the dock. The syrupy wine was not as seductive as that lout's groping fingers had been but at some point I stopped caring.

My teacher & friend retired for the night but I commenced to wandering the city & I don't remember much after that. The next thing I knew I was vomiting in public. All over the Quartier Marchand before pitching down in a gutter near where that ax murderer plies his trade. Luckily for me I don't think any of the theatre troupe witnessed my shenanigans or I would be too embarrassed to ever face them again. But now besides being worn to a ghost of myself I have a miserable headache & a suit of duds to wash the puke out of.

Resolved: 1) No more wine. 2) No more trips to L'Envie. 3) Most important, no more mooning over RB. Let him keep his arm candy if that's what he prefers.

Feeling sorry for yourself means you think you have not been done right. Well, look at Miss Farthingale's example, Cailey girl. In her you have a lady who wants to do selfless good but has her high-flown aspirations dashed for the basest of reasons by the basest of weasels. Who says I deserve my own reward of a loving man's passionate embrace? No, you have to make your own way in this world & not expect the wheel of fortune be just or greased up for you. You must twist Fate neath your own will & strength. Life is not fair & it is mostly indifferent to what you hope for.

Feeling sorry for myself is not the way to make any man desire me. If I want to catch a big fish, it is up to me to sweeten the bait.

[Calliope]

Beneath the beauty of this city lurks much evil. At least in Vallaki it was more out in the open.

I heard a speech tonight calling for the local citizens to rally & shaming foreigners such as myself & even Miss Farthingale. But despite all the incitement, whose labor builds this city? The streets are not cobbled by the strutting velvet of the nobility's shoes.

My eyes have been seared open that no matter how much I better myself or how hard I work here -- no matter the virtuous paragon I might aspire to copy -- without a title, a foreigner is fated to be second class. That injustice makes us always prey to any snuff sniffer in search of a vulnerable plaything.

This is civilization? Bah.

I have let myself turn soft in my dreams of romance & education & "play-acting" on stage.

I do love all this new learning & would banish the piteous brute I used to see gaping back at me in the mirror forever if I could. But if that brute's return is necessary to protect everything I now cherish, then I pray to the Night to strengthen both her savage arm and animal cunning.

[Calliope]

I told Miss Farthingale I have shed more tears the past week than in all the rest of my life. So much worry & sense of helplessness fill me. She says not to blame myself no matter what happens, but perhaps all the good that has come into my life must be balanced now by evil.

The gods have given me something I never had or even knew I desired until now, only so by awakening that feeling they can again steal it from me as they did from a defenseless mewling infant years ago.

I am no longer so defenseless.

An empty boast. If my tutor in all her wisdom & with all her allies cannot outwit this spider, how can an uncouth ignoramus hope to?

From what Miss Farthingale has told me of the cruel evil we face, I wonder whether it will perversely spare me. It--he--will delight in leaving me undevoured in his web...but cocooned in the knowledge of my own miserable failure.