You have been taken by the Mists

Author Topic: More things in the Mists than are dreamt in your philosophy. Carola's Thoughts.  (Read 4489 times)

--GlamRock--

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Levkarest, some time ago.

I really don't have anything against them. They have been careful, and they have always looked after me, in any circumstances. Only that one thing they never accepted. But that is over, at least for now, as well. My path was paved, but nobody asked for my opinion. That's the rub of the Grand Scheme. Even if I choose, who tells me it's not a superior will's choice? I am not a simpleton, this kind of doubt can cause me a great deal of harm. My family, even with good intentions, oppresses me, and so does the Church. Wherever I decide to go, I can be far from them for awhile, but maybe I won't be wholly free from the latter. And my love, the one who made me think differently, he has paid a high cost for this, he had to let me go, and what he was left is some far hope I will come back. It may happen, as it might not.

I need to go. Levkarest won't ever let me free. The places where I could make a living with my own education won't give me room enough for my personal growth, for now I have to discard them. I need something to make me busy on some practical terms. The simplicity of the peasant sets them free from pointless philosophycal struggles. The simplicity of Barovia may do, and Krezk is not far.

I shall miss home, my parents and my love. I won't miss the Church. Yet I've the feeling I will meet soon enough what I don't wish to. However it goes I feel I'm ready for my new path.

Vallaki, 20th December 769.

I lost my path and I found myself in Vallaki rather than Krezk. I'm trying to settle here, I found a minor mindless job, though it will demand a great deal of application on my term: finding places to deliver things has not ever been my main skill. Local Garda told me there is no temple of Ezra here. Grand Scheme or not, maybe I've stepped in one of the better paths I could wish for.
« Last Edit: December 21, 2014, 05:35:10 AM by --GlamRock-- »
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Vallaki, 21st December 769.

The course of a repeated action may lead in any case to a progression. One may not feel it like that, but it is not an external travel which may lead to a change, in fact the repeated action can reveal a sudden epiphany in some form of unexpected novelty. As a matter of fact I've repeated for a couple of days some actions, forced by need rather than proper choice. I know this path quite well by now, soon I will find a way to learn new ones. I miss what I've left behind me, I wasn't forced and I am not allowed at this time to regret it.

People here are strange. I would have thought Barovia being quieter, but the large amount of foreigners makes it quite impossible. They speak names and mention places I've never heard of. More things in the Mists...

I need to consider the joint venture I was speaking with the only friend I've found so far, and invest in it. It may lead to a new series of repeated actions. Grammarians speak of permanence in the use of the Present Simple tense, which is used also for the routines. Despite being routines, at this time I feel I'm just in the temporary gap of time of a Present Continuous. And I hope it is temporary. An epiphany must come sooner or later.
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Vallaki, 22nd December 769.

The repeated actions actually led to a further movement. I've had the chance to enlarge my own vision of the world and existance through two new acquaintances. However mundane things have prevented to deepen the interactions. One is a member of the clergy of the Morning Lord - who, alas, informed me there is actually a temple of Ezra in Vallaki, clearly the Garda lied to me- and the other a dwarf. I've noticed, moreover, people here use magics more commonly and openly than what I'm used to seeing, and than what I believed being the norm in Barovia. On the nature of magics I'm pretty sure more than one scholar has already speculated, my own experience, though, has been only related to Ezra cult. I was told it is like an axe, it depends on how you use it. I may agree on that, but magics, in my view, is not wholly, let's say, inanimated and selfless as an axe. I need to ponder more on this.

I've joined a party of adventurers and discarded another one, probably because of the first experience. The first was quite rewarding and I felt properly alive, despite useless: I felt adrenalinic. I'm not sure that is my path, I will need to consider it further. The second party was aimless, they appeared unorganized properly and I didn't wish to risk more than I already do in my daily routines.

Tonight I will ponder about the meaning of life, if it can be considered on an individual basis or on some common ground. I'm aware, now more than ever, that I cannot stop at considering only humans.
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Vallaki, 23rd December 769.

I have revealed myself, my doubts and the sense of my own research. I think I found a friend. The long waiting for the night to pass, some chairs and a table, we didn't have even to drink anything, it simply happened. My statements, I am aware, normally cause more doubts to those who listen to me, rather than an explanation. And this is simple, I've not an explanation myself, as yet, and I'm always considering the chance I will never have one. This is the big irony of all this, I have at any rate to research, otherwise leaving Levkarest has been meaningless. She told me this kind of thinking may lead to insanity: this is why I keep in touch with reality daily, the simple routines, the real life, the basic needs. If we had to live only for the basic needs, we would not differ from animals.

The ox: I cannot tolerate using some livestock as a kind of pet if it's normally something I eat. I will overcome this, in time, maybe. I am not sure.

Krofburg was a good novelty, a bit steep and acrobatic to get there, too many bridges on the void, but overall I'm quite happy to have visited that village. I had to sign anyway in the local Church of Ezra, I will motivate my prolonged absence by spending more and more time up there. The structure of the Church, and the gossip I've heard about it: it's not what I need right now, definitely not.

Maybe the key is in the afterlife, afterall. I believe I had some experience of that kind, by trying a joint venture to the Village of Barovia. The trip was short and a failure. The only worthy experience was my own... I cannot know how to name it? It was not death, I would not be here writing right now. It was else, but I don't remember much. It might simply be some post-traumatic shock I'm experiencing.

Who knows if I'll be able to build thoughtful bridges upon the void of senselessness...
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Vallaki, 24th December 769.

There more than a way to react to fear. It is similar to pain, and both share a certain degree of threshold. At the same time both are, to some extent, a sort of alarm which prevents us to do harmful things. But while pain is wholly physical and it is clearly felt through our body, fear is something in the sphere of the mind, the soul, the heart, and thus it is more complex to analyze. I've understood in time, fear and pain have different thresholds for individuals. Fear is even more related to individuals. Sometimes we don't even realise it, and remain simply in a state of being upset. This has happened to me.

What did I really fear before moving here? Some people would sell their children or give a whole arm to exchange their lives with that I've left. I was upset anyway, wasn't I? The marriage, the family business, the Borcan people and the Church? Perchance a bit of everything. I was upset, not scared. And I fled.

I believe that unponderable was harming me too, but it was, again, not just a physical pain: in fact, I've always been pretty healthy. It must have been something of both, at the end.

What now? Dangers are more tangible. I've felt more than once my heart pumping faster and faster, because of the unknown things I have witnessed, or things I knew, or better believed, existing but never seen them really. I'm still upset, I've moved here just recently. But I also feel that dealing directly with my tangible fears should help me to overcome my interior sickness. Just then, maybe, I will be able to put up with the past. For now I feel alive.
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Vallaki, 25st December 769.

It was a Fifth Day and I decided to go quietly to the temple to pray. However nobody acknowledged me, nor I saw a great deal of movement in the temple, I believe the Church, in general, won't care about my own presence here.

I wrote him but didn't, as now, let him know precisely where I am, though I do believe the Barovian stamps will be evidence enough. He knew I was leaving and was quite open-minded to let me go without fusses, probably in the hope I will come back sooner or later: which is actually something it might happen but it's not so sure. I wanted anyway to make sure he knew I am fine, still alive, and living comfortable enough. And I'm progressing, in which direction I don't know as yet.

My native tongue is serving me quite fine here, though I have not had yet the chance to expend my High Mordentish and Falkovnian. The latter was meant for some future employement in Sturben, perchance; the former is the language of high culture, and Barovia, right now, as if I didn't know it already, is not properly a devoted cultural land. Maybe there can be a further stage in which I will move north, but it's way too early to predict this. I remember he telling me he would have preferred for me Darkonian rather than Falkovnian. To some extent even in Darkonian there are many philosophical works, but probably, for what my needs are right now, I don't need really to read philosophy at all, in fact my approach to life, during this period, has been mostly pragmatic.

A lady spoke recently about some planetshift. Seen all these people coming, probably, from other planets, other worlds, I have started pondering wheter this may be related to the mysterious ways of the Vistani travel and the gift of the Warden of Ezra. Again, there are more things in the Mists, and even beyond them, that my philosohpy may dream of. I will investigate this further.
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Vallaki, 26th December 769.

My staying here is starting to be slightly rewarding. Of course I've not yet found what I'm looking for, but I would be delusional if I thought only a week could do for something which may demand a whole lifetime - and even then, one may find nothing at all. Through observing several adventurers parties, I selected a couple of them and I had the chance to experience that kind of life. The results of these two adventuring journeys were quite good. The ruins below the temple of the Morning Lord hid some ancient history tracks and this made me ponder about human mind and memories. We are now what we were too, to be more specific what we have beem so far: on the ruins of the past we keep building, on the ruins of our memory we keep going on. This is, I believe, how it works mostly, however this is about the past, what about the future, or even the present state? Further observations and thoughts will be needed. For now, I can just say most foreigners are not really interested at history. I will add this in the list of my personal useless skills...

I found also a past time, that is trying to brew and mingle the local herbs. In this I'm following the stereotype of the Borcan herbalists, and I don't expect to be finding specific recipes for poisons, though it may happen. So far this has taken some of my time, which is, at any rate, spent also for reflection. It is a metaphor that all which is never is completely destroyed, it just transforms into something else. And I've got back in the dead end of afterlife again.

I have no wish to go back, right now, I'm enjoying myself and I've not felt so alive ever before. Only time will tell if this is just a temporary condition, or a state going to remain.
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Vallaki, 28th December 769.

I've had not time for myself yesterday, I found myself deep in adventuring with a quite powerful and skilled party and I had the chance to improve my abilities to defend myself. So, at the end, it was time well spent, I don't believe I would be able to think deeply if I were dead. In spite of that this may be worth of further meditations.

Today I've fought as well, but I had the chance to share views with an elf coming from another world, and, later, with a dwarf. With the former I could explore the differences in religion between our own, specifically the Church of Ezra, and the elvish beliefs, which are definitely politheistic. Furthermore, they deeply believe they are connected by blood bonds to their ancestors, that is their gods. This makes them a sort of unicum, part of the whole, I proposed the metaphor of the chain and its links: he replied it is not this simple. I will investigate further on this. However what I found out is that needs, despite gender, race, country, or even world, always resume to the same ones: survival, happiness, justice, just to name a few. When the dwarf arrived something odd happened. They came from the same world but, apparently not from the same time, because it was mentioned a "drow war" (I eventually asked what a drow is, but this will be for some other note), which apparently happened for one and not for the other.

Now this is what is rummaging in my head. The other worlds could be something beyond the Mists, not connected to our known lands, such as Rokushima. The uneducated, let's say, Borcan and the uneducated Rokuma might well consider each other, even through normal and plain speaking, as if coming from another world: the history of trade negates this possibility. So, it may be likely these other world people are from lands which are still undiscovered and up to recent times no trade has been possible among them. The way the Mists work are undisclosed. Let's suppose there are other worlds, though, and different times: would it be possible there are many other worlds depending on invidual choices which influenced the overall? This though is highly complex and I badly need to meditate and confront the several hypothesis with someone else. Not just matter of space, lands, physical places, but also about the big wheel of history. More than a thousand possibilities for different roles in the Grand Scheme. My head hurts now.
« Last Edit: December 28, 2014, 08:30:29 AM by --GlamRock-- »
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Vallaki, 29th December 769.

So apparently I've some form of purpose and a medium term goal. I've joined a group of loreseekers and I'll be working with them on several fronts. We discussed a lot, we almost clashed on a couple of topics, we failed at our first attempt to start a mission. However I believe there can be some future to the group. I will be, at least for now, as the only let's say local, the one who will retrieve books on local lore. Many things I've already shared with them, but probably by reading them alone they may grant a different perspective, the untold which my eye cannot see right now. I believe also I will deal with the diplomatic side of the organization, provided I know more local customs and three local languages.

We clashed on the topic of necromancy. I won't enter details whether these documents are found. Is it right to remove completely this discipline off the omnicomprehensive lore? Is it right to exclude the chance the secret of the Mists can be related to it in some form? Is it right, on the other hand, studying or even using something which is clearly evil according to most religious dogmas and culture? There is a stand on that, some steps which won't be taken. I cannot help thinking about the known fate of Il-Aluk, though: maybe Necropolis is the result of similar good starting intentions. I said I would have pondered on it, and am still. For now, my stance is provisory and prompt to take this risk.

We are not well equipped. We are not all scholars, some of us are good fighters, but we miss the means to harm some of the Legions. I suggested to contact the Red Vardo Traders, it is likely I will be the one to make this step.

On another topic, Moreen is acting strange. She has been daredevil and twice I've risked my life by going with her.

I have found a castle managed by the Church of Ezra, Moreen told me they belong to the Fourth Sect. By it there is an evil crypts which seems even more dangerous than that below the temple of the Morninglord. Maybe it hides some secret of worth. I will speak to my companions soon about it.
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Vallaki, 31st December 769.

Many things have happened in the past few days. As far as my personal development and growth, I feel more  resistant towards the dangers of this land, as I have had definitely less troubles at the subtle art of surviving. My dwarf friend  showed me the blacksmith who sells gear in silver, which is quite expensive: I will know, anyhow, where to go shoild I need weaponry of that kind. With him I also went to the place where other dwarves live, and the experience was twofold. Despite rewarding in terms of money, and of furthering knowledge in general, the place is quite horrid because it shakes and seems about to collapse a moment or another. It seems nothing is being done to fix it, and the source is unknown. It may be worth of investigation, but it's nothing I will pursue in full will. I got drunk there and I wish not to go back there and have dwarves laughing at me.

I am trying to be less shy, and as a consequence I found out there is quite a group of people comining from Richemulot, the land of my grandparents. They all, more or less, confirmed what the stories told by my mother and what I read in books. A land of opportunities, where you can become anything if you put the right effort, alas with a very strong political hidden game. If the "game" is true also in other lands such as Dementlieu and my homeland Borca, let's say in Pont a Museau there is less the too immobile Dementlieuse social classes and less natural Borcan backstabbing: even the Church has less and less power there. The stories about rats, also those confirmed, are not however making it a place where one wishes to live for good. Who knows, maybe after my Barovian experience I might be ready for it.

I believe I'm building a network of acquaintance which should serve my purpose good in the time to come. MY knowledge is still partial but I've the feeling I'm on the right path, thus results will arrive, sooner or later. Tomorrow it is already 760, the new year will take me elsewhere, a path I have started just a week ago. Who knows what's going to happen.
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Vallaki, 4th January 770.

Planes of existance, tieflings, the rules of the Church, and other more mundane business have kept me busy in these days. Tiefling was nothing I knew of before coming here and I had my hard time to understand in full what they are, and I don't believe I have grasped most of it. An elf had already explained me the matter of the half-blood and the difference between devils and demons. At that time the conversaion derailed on the planes of existance, in which, it seems, there are proper different worlds, which can communicate through what he called portals. As a matter of fact, that elf was still in doubt whether this world is just another different world or, in fact, a world in another plane, different from all the other worlds. He said also there is also a sort of corridor, a plane of illusion he called it, which somehow links everything, a sort of main road. I have no books confirming this, maybe I will find them in time, but the theory is worth of speculation. The Mists may actually work as this form of communication, however all the Outlander were quite surprised to be dragged by them, thus it cannot be anything usual in their worlds (or planes), while for us born here it is quite the mystery, but something we know being existing and working in specific ways (sometimes unknown too).

The tiefling, thus, is a creature of partial human and fiendish blood. Templar De'Scusa confirmed what I had thought about this matter. Though fiends can be actually listed among the Legions, as Stealers of Breath, the tieflings are not inherently evil or Legion themselves but it depends on their chosen or provided role, more or less the Church considers them as the calibans. Of course, for matters of circumstance, they may tend to be outlaw because spurned from society and of course in some societies they can be labelled as abominions (such as in Barovia); and of course the Church would never too openly accept them in their ranks, and for sure not in any official way. However they are not to be hunted or fought just because they are what they are, the chances they can enlist in the Legions are the same of any human, elf, dwarf, hin.

I was finally welcomed to the Church in Vallaki, and I found out something odd. It seems a former Toret is now Bourgemester of Vallaki, and it seems also that this is not really helpling the Church, though I have doubts this is true, at least on an unofficial level. The Refuge of the Fifth Light has not great relationship with the Raduta in the west, and this probably lays more on the dogmatic different views than else. As a layman I am, moreover, forbidden to spend nights in the temple of the Morning Lord. On this, I will return later on.

I provided my confession and I had a little epiphany as I talked. I need a conversion, as soon as possible, to the Third Sect. A pilgrimage to St.Mere was mentioned, maybe that could be the occasion to mark it as official. Time will tell. For now I will focus on the immediate needs.

« Last Edit: January 07, 2015, 09:54:32 AM by --GlamRock-- »
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Vallaki, 7th January 770.

I have not had time to think. But this came almost alone, by itself. I will record it, in time I will ponder about what it meant when I wrote it.

In an unknown path there are mistakes,
The ultimate goal to achieve will be unclear,
Among some minor roads the main fakes,
And will be forgotten what once was dear.
If you soak bread in a cup, that is not bread,
Not the real thing, external structure:
Once everything is dry, before anything dead,
Clearer will be the path for the future.
All this cannot be wholly painless,
One cannot even say who's suffering more,
I can just say I am not yet hopeless,
But I'm aware it will not be ever as before.
In the darkest hours these thoughts I meet,
The lonely sail has approached another fleet.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2015, 11:46:05 PM by --GlamRock-- »
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Vallaki, 11th January 770.

He replied. He said he cannot be my guide anymore. I had relied on him since I had entered in the early stages of my adulthood. It was my fault anyway, I was the one who gave him up. I thought we could somehow still keep in touch, for him to know about my progresses, for me to receive his advices. I thought we may have overcome the distance and the temporary separation, but I was a fool. I don't think I cannot go back now. I will need to build a new network here, selecting those I trust and those I don't.

I feel my life is collapsing around me. I will have to work with its ruins...
« Last Edit: January 13, 2015, 11:45:50 PM by --GlamRock-- »
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Vallaki, 11th January 770.

I didn't expect that. The whole story. I felt I needed to share part of mine, which is less dramatic. He taught me many things in the few days we spoke. I am willing to help him.

I managed to go and come back from Port a Lucine. The journey wasn't completely safe, but the Templar protected me. And he also reassured me about travelling with Vistani. I have bought many books and I have prayed in St.Mere. It has been an overwhelming feeling. I feel I know what I have to do next.

And I need to speak to Lydia, I feel she may have problems but I've not spoken to her for ages. There's much to do. Much to read. Much to live for...
« Last Edit: January 13, 2015, 11:45:39 PM by --GlamRock-- »
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Vallaki, 14th January 770.

I have an explanation why somehow my parents had forbidden me the approach to monsieur De Penible's works. They are mostly addressed to those who are born rich, those who complain of minor things without seeing the big frame around them. Mamma Patricia is Richemuloise as De Penible and I'm almost sure she was anyway acquainted with his works, as I'm pretty sure she had somehow spoken to PapÓ Francu about that too. However they were not, before moving to Levkarest, of that kind, they had worked so hard for all their lives. And I've always had the feeling they could actually buy a minor noble title, but they did not: it was better keeping am low profile, probably, and anyway most people they were acquainted with them treated them as nobles. My elder brother Fabio seems the one who might succumb more easily within De Penible's theories. He was born in a rich family, and since a child he was educated to eventually run the family business, all business my brother. Probably they thought I am like my brother, but for sure I am not.

And as a matter of fact, right now, I've given up my wealth, my own chances of social advancement, to do all alone, and this path is revealing painful. But I am feeling more than alive. De Penible's works are those which, at the moment, have shown me a more paceable path. I will need to confront about his theories with some of my friends.
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Vallaki, 19th January 770.

My life is apparently in a stall. Apparently, in this case, being the key-word. I have new friends here, I have, I believe, integrated with the religious community too. My jobs keep going quite quietly, I have been improving my exploring gear. Yet, there is something which leaves me still not completely satisfied. Of course I miss him, and at first I believed the separation was consensual, he believed it being temporary, I thought we could still communicate, he felt hurt by me, I believe in time things may patch up, but things are going to be overly complicated.

The other thing, not less important, is that I feel in danger and the Church agrees I may well be. I have, on my part, reason to give some equal chances to the possibility I am and I am not, right now. At any rate, I was told to be ready to be relocated, and I really do not like this chance, I do not like the place they have thought for me as safe. I shall be an Outcast there in the south, and it is not even just matter of relocation but of proper resetting of my own life. I do hope things fix before they escalate. If things go as I do not wish, I will try to get the best out of the worst.

My tasks for my prospect employers are at a stall too. I was offered another job which I will not accept, I really do not believe I can be any fit for it. Before things escalate, if they do, I need to attempt, at least attempt, to perform this task. I am sure I can do it.
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Vallaki, 26th January 770.

My life seems suddenly being in an unarrestable downhill. Not in positive sense, the sense is things around me are happening, I have just a few seconds to glance and ponder, and then new things happen, which surprise me, upset me. What were, and still ar, my main goals, even if temporary ones, are not completed, and not even scratched on their surfaces. I am failing compltely the task of my prospect employer, I am not finding anything new in my research: yes, I have earned enough money to grant me at least a semester in Dementlieu, but also that seems to be a different story. And I believe I've lost a friend for good, and evil.

Civil war, brother who kills brother, and with the shadow of a foreign force incoming and overcoming both. And people do not understand how I need to detach from things, sometimes hiding myself behind irony, which sometimes is even bitter, I'm aware. It seems I've upset many people with my words, and my own pride didn't allow me to try a mediation, if not an apologise, so far. The few time spent in Port a Lucine didn't do me any good. I understand I cannot go now, beyond simple sense of survival. It is clear that I need to stop going down and try somewhere stable where to start climbing on from.

Time will say.
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