I didn't go into the city last night to rest, I just needed some time to think. It's been so long since I slept in the wilderness, to lay here on the grass next to the fire and watch the alien sky. I miss the solitude.
I'm so tired of hearing of Joachim's past from others; what he's done, who he is. Dimitrie has reminded me of this again while at camp last night, but I don't blame him. He seeks justice for Melina, as would most people. But, am I wrong in believing that Joachim can be forgiven? I am starting to wonder if I am somehow making a mistake. Don't I deserve some happiness? Don't I deserve some reprieve after being caged within the mists for so long?
I can't help but to be drawn to him, as he is like me. We have so much in common, finishing each other's sentences, often speaking at the same time, saying the same thing. We are also at the same stage in our abilities as Paladins. But, did I allow myself to become immersed with this emotional need for him when I should have remained true to my oath? The Girded Healers would have forsaken me for such a thing, being with someone like him. Someone who tried to barter with a daemon.
Dimitrie also spoke of Torm. And, he is right, even though he didn't come right out and say it; I don't hear anything. When I pray, silence greets me with open arms, as it always has. Torm doesn't guide me any longer. All I have from him are my powers, but recently, I've even been questioning if it is truly Torm that is granting me these gifts. The books that tormented me are burned, but I still see the words upon their shadow pages.
What do I do about all of this? Who do I seek to guide me along when I need someone to talk to? Tessaryn understood me, guided me, provided clarity when needed. But, she's gone now, with Arianwen. I can't blame them though, after being surrounded by evil for so long. Joanna and Adalia are all I have left, but where have they gone to? Did they also leave together?
I need my old friends back.