The thoughts and memories still haunt me. So many things leave horrible, dirty trails in my mind. I often can’t quite comprehend how I make it through the days. It’s all a large, senseless blur.
Mainly thoughts of him. And the blood he forced me to spill. I didn’t have much of a choice, did I? And I saved her. Or is that not a redeeming quality, considering what she went on to do? Why, I don’t know. I did what I thought would keep me alive. Sometimes, though, I do wonder if it was worth it. Perhaps it would have been better to join Rémi in the ground. (Rémi still lives in my head. I shall never forget.)
But no, guilt is thought for cowards and weaklings. And I shall never allow myself to be weak again. I will never again be anyone’s marionette. A lowly toy.
It doesn’t help that rumor says Ardmora has suddenly returned. Quinn (I will still ruin you, Quinn, if you attempt to threaten me again) has told me that she has visited Bernard, and that she wants me to apologize. As much as I cared for the whore, I refuse to apologize… However, in retrospect, death would have been a kinder punishment. I thought it would help her, truly. Such utter naivety.
I miss him on occasion. Not Domi- Never him. The other one. I still wear the hideous ring he gave me.
Sometimes I wake at night, thinking they're watching me. And who is to say they aren't?
I've come so far from that bumbling, scared little girl that was never able to do anything on her own. Perhaps that's the only good thing he ever did to me.
V
