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Author Topic: Who am I?  (Read 977 times)

Griefmaker

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Who am I?
« on: October 23, 2013, 04:16:21 PM »
"Nem Apa!!  Please!  Nem hurt...nem beat!"


Pain

Another day you shall be my constant companion...the only thing in my life I can count on to always be there for me, and me alone.  At least until you diminish to a muted ache and then depart so that only a memory is left of your former presence.

Please do not leave me!  I do not want to be alone again.


Pain

Every breath is fire, every movement agony.  I cannot open my right eye again and my lip throbs...is it still bleeding?  I am certain my arm was twisted off.  Wait, no, it is still there.  But trying to even lift it makes me wish he had torn off like he said he would.

Please someone...anyone...make the pain go away.  Why will no one help me?


Pain

My right arm slowed me today and I was unable to finish my chores around the farm before the day fell and dusk began to settle.  Apa threatened again to lock me out of the house and let "them" get me.  "They" would stalk me.  "They" would tear at me.  "They" would rend my flesh.  "They" would drink my blood.  "They" would steal my soul.  And it would serve me right, because that is what I deserved.

Apa only allowed me in when Anya said something to him.  I could not see or hear what she said as my tears blinded my sight and my sobs drowned out all sounds.  I do not want "them" to get me.  "They" already haunt my dreams.  

Another dream, another nightmare.  Apa is pointing to the kitchen and growling at me to go there.  Anya and my thirteen brothers and sisters stare at me impassively, silently.  They sit at the dinner table with our meager meal of mamliga before each person.  They never speak up or offer support or sympathy, not openly, and usually not in private anymore either.  Not since it was forbidden and trespassers of that rule found themselves sharing the punishment.  Now they only watch with shadowed eyes and subdued expressions.

I bend over and grip the sides of the small table Anya uses to prepare our meals, noting the coarseness of the wood beneath my hands.  How many times have I gripped this over the years?  Surely by now the wood should have be smoothed by my farmwork-calloused hands wearing away any burrs that had the misfortune of being under my rough grip during these frequent events.  A grip that becomes a bit more slick as my palms become sweaty with anxiety at what is to come.  Especially as I hear Apa's belt being removed.  I hope...I pray...that he only uses the strap of the belt today and not the buckle again.

This is no dream, but it is a nightmare.  It is my life.



As always, Apa's first stroke is accompanied by his grunted words:

"This is what you deserve, sertas megvetett!"

Pain

I am Fredek Sandor.  It is a name, but holds little meaning to me.  I am nothing.
« Last Edit: October 23, 2013, 09:59:35 PM by Griefmaker »
The beatings shall continue until morale improves.

Griefmaker

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Re: Who am I?
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2013, 05:56:03 PM »
"Nem let "them" get me!  Felek!  I nem want to die!"

Fear

"They" come for those who are naughty, those who do not do as they are told.  The Neuri and Vrolok and Nocnitsa and Majr and worse.  Things of nightmares.  Things of darkness.  Things of terror.  Their realm lies in the shadows of night and those who would venture forth during that time become their prey.

Or so Nagyanyo would tell me and my thirteen brothers and sisters, the youngest of which were still pressed to Anya's teat at the time.  Even I was young enough to have just started my first year working in the fields of the farm...the year every boy-child on a farm looks forward to because it means they had "grown up" and can do the things their Apas and older brothers were doing.  Of course, we still had a decade before we would be considered men, but it was one of the milestones in the life of a poor farmer.  I remember being happy during that time, or at least content.  Apa did not hate me so much then.  I even was able to play sometimes.

But even then "they" were always on everyone's minds.  "They" were what men and women hoarsely whispered about with guarded looks when something ill or unexpected and unwanted occurred.  When someone mysteriously got sick, disappeared, or died, it was always "their" fault.

By the light of a flickering candle, which caused the blackness of the rest of the room to seem all the more oppressive, Nagyanyo would speak with her voice that sounded like two pieces of dry parchment being rubbed together and tell us about "them".  Each time we heard the stories, the rank fear that permeated the room was thick enough to smother any life or happiness or joy that may have been there before.  Even Anya and Apa wore grim faces tight with barely concealed anxiety, whilst the youngest or least brave of us would cry out in horror and terror, then brush away tears drawn forth from witnessing the terrible tales.

The truly frightening thing?  The tales are real.

We believed and feared even before finding Nagyanyo's mangled and broken body lying torn and partially devoured outside by the door to the house one morning.  So that had not been a nightmare.  The pounding upon the door and pleading shrieks everyone pretended to not hear had been the poor old woman begging to be let in.  Of course, Apa and Anya did not unlock the door.  No one did, no matter what.  Why had Nagyanyo been out of doors after the sun set?  No one knew, nor would we ever learn.  What we did know, however, is what everyone who lives in this land passes on to each new generation:  Do not go out at night.  "They" will get you.

I do not want to die.  Darkness scares me because "they" could be hiding in the concealing shadows, waiting for me.  Waiting to kill me...or worse.


"Apa scares me.  "They" will get you if you go out at ejszaka.  Apa gets me all the time.  Even if it is light, I nem safe."

Fear

Always more shouting, always more punishment, always more pain.  When I think of Apa, I do not think of the man who is supposed to raise me...instead I see a monster slumbering lightly and threatening to wake at any moment.  And when the monster awakens...

I cannot remember Apa ever really being nice to me.  I only remember that he used to not hurt me, used to not hate me.   He never was really nice to any of his fourteen children, but he usually was not mean or abusive, beyond punishing one of us when we did something wrong.  As I started to get a little older, after a year or so of being old enough to work in the fields, a Barovian from the boyar who owned the lands Apa farmed came for the tax as he had done each season for as long as I can remember.  I do not know exactly what happened, but Apa noticed a look the man gave Anya who in turn paled like she did when we found Nagyanyo's body.  I think something was said too, because after that Anya ran into the house without looking back and Apa's face looked like he was choking.  I heard Apa call the man a "Sertas" when he left burdened with a sack containing that season's taxes.

That night Apa had me and my thirteen brothers and sisters line up and he looked at us carefully, not saying a word.  Anya was crying and she must have fallen because her face was red and puffy, but I already saw signs of a bruise forming upon her cheek.

Everyone was grouped to Apa's left or right after he examined us.  I was the only one on the left. 

I thought I knew fear before...but my nightmare had only just begun.
The beatings shall continue until morale improves.

Griefmaker

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Re: Who am I?
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2013, 09:53:22 PM »
"Nem friends for sertas megvetett.  Even Anya sees through me, after Apa's fist knocked out her tooth.  Only Sera see me and sometimes whispers something nice when we alone.  Once she held me and sang softly when I hurt so much I nem stopped crying."

My sister Serafin, or Sera as you most often went by; you alone were a shining ray of sun piercing the mists that darkened my days. 

Our other brothers and sisters at first offered quiet sympathy to me when Apa began to hate me and beat me for slights I could not begin to guess.  It only took a time or two under Apa's "tender ministrations" for them to pretend I no longer existed.  At least they no longer teased me about things large and small as brothers and sisters are wont to do in jest.  I suppose the welts and bruises that decorated me oft were badges they did not wish to contribute to, even if the scourging was by nothing more than words. 

Still, for a while Anya and you, Sera, would still show the sertas megvetett some small kindnesses, even if you would not do it where others, especially Apa, could see or hear.  When it was all so new and Apa's rage hot, Anya and Sera would try to comfort me and tell me it would be alright.  One day when Anya came back after speaking to Apa in the barn, she clutched at her face which was bleeding heavily and ran into the house, while Apa ran after, saying bad words to her and yelling for Anya to take her tooth out of his hand.  She ignored me too after that.  But you did not, Sera.

I still do not know why Apa named me sertas megvetett.  That he despised me was as obvious as the cuts and bruises upon my body after one of my beatings.  But I do not look like a pig, no matter what Apa said. 

I do not know if you remember, Sera, but you even called me handsome once, long ago.  It was the first time I could not open either of my swollen eyes and my jaw felt like a rusty bear trap I was trying to force open.  Ubul, before he pretended I did not exist, weakly joked that I looked like a monster.  But when I began to whimper in fear because I was afraid "they" were going to come out at night and kidnap me and force me to join the rest of the monsters haunting the dark, you whispered that I was handsome and the only person who would kidnap me would be the prettiest girl in the lands, who would beg me to marry her and take her away to a farm of my very own.  A farm far away.  That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Sera, sweet Sera with the sad smile.  I miss you. 
The beatings shall continue until morale improves.

Griefmaker

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Re: Who am I?
« Reply #3 on: October 27, 2013, 06:05:22 PM »
"Neuri spoor said to grow mushrooms that look like White Caps.  But White Caps supposed to taste good and help body nem be sick.  Mushrooms from Neuri spoor said to taste bad and make black blood that is thick like mamliga come from people's mouths, until they run out of blood."

People had been getting sick in the surrounding farms and villages, though our farm was far away from the sickness and Apa, along with my two oldest brothers Baltasar and Csepan, walked the fence to make sure no one came to see us.  Apa put his dagger on a stick and made a spear, though Anya shrieked at him that if anyone saw him the Garda would come for him.  Apa made her quiet with his fist in her mouth.  Then said it was my fault, though I do not know what I did, and hit me in my stomach with the butt of his spear three times until I could not breathe and vomited breakfast.  I do not like to throw up, it leaves a disgusting taste in my mouth.  And I was hungry all day too.

The sickness was a really bad one.  High fevers and shakes weakened the body and many died, most oft being a young child or older gray-hair who did not awaken after going to sleep.  Villages whispered of the sickness when one is bitten by a Vrolok but not directly killed, only to waste away slowly, suffering without relief until succumbing to death.  Dark looks and frowns were given when a family member of a sick person was spotted, and more than one had fled potential death from frightened men with drawn daggers who were trying to ensure the infection did not spread.  Because everyone knows that the sickness from a Vrolok bite is contagious and easily infects another, especially those in close proximity to the ill.

After a week of sickness hope came when news of a Lightbringer who was said to help sick people came into the village.  All know the Morninglord is supposed to help those who are in need, even if many scoff and do not believe it.  Or pretend they do not believe it.  Nothing is worse than getting your hopes up, only to have them dashed away viciously.  When that happens, the pain is amplified by a magnitude of ten.

Anya and Nagyanyo would tell us stories about the Morninglord and what would happen when he finally came to our salvation.  Stories of freedom from those who oppress us, of not needing to be afraid anymore, of no one being sick or going hungry, and so on.  And so I would pray each night that he would come and help me.  I always prayed for him to stop the beatings, stop the pain, stop the fear, stop my crying. 

He never did.

But I kept praying anyway.

When the Lightbringer first arrived with a golden holy symbol of the Morninglord held high so that the light of the day shone brightly off its surface, he did so to no fanfare or greetings.  In fact, the streets quickly emptied and doors were barred from within because the man was an Outlander, though we knew that some few Outlanders had become Lightbringers.  However, Outlanders come from the Mists.  All know outlanders worship demons and practice witchcraft and other black magics without proper fear...and that is just the smallest portion of the reasons to stay away from them. 

I had never met any Outlanders and even my experience with Barovians was limited because Apa and Anya did not like them for some reason and tried to keep them from the farm.  Nagyanyo went so far as to spit and curse when she used to see Barovians and mutter "I am a Gundarakite", though not loudly for any to hear her more than a step away.  I do not know why and if my brothers and sisters were told exactly what made Barovians so bad, I, the sertas megvetett, never learned the reasons.  We just knew that they were and that we had rules to follow that they did not.  Maybe the resentment and anger was due to chagrin that we had more rules to obey than they did?

For a week after the Outlander Lightbringer's arrival people continued to get sick with the fever and shakes and...and eventually die.  Finally a goodwife was desperate enough to bring her child, the last of ten that still drew breath, to the Outlander Morninglord and begged for aid.  The tale of the event was that the Lightbringer prayed over the child and then fed him a mixture of White Caps and other herbs and berries.  The next day, the child stopped shaking.  The day after the fever disappeared.  It sounded a miracle.

After that, the village and surrounding areas were scoured to find all who were ill and brought before the Lightbringer, apparently ignoring for the moment that he was an Outlander.  Sickness that brought death was far more frightening than a tangible man of flesh and blood, regardless of his shrouded origin.  At least this man, since he apparently performed miracles.  The man prayed over the sick and then examined each one by one, though would do so from a distance without actually touching the infected ones.  I can understand why, because most had the reek of sickness on them and were dirty with their own fluids and excrement.

Hope flared up within those present, because the Lightbringer promised that he would be able to aid the afflicted.  That hope dimmed a bit with the knowledge that the White Cap mushrooms were the key ingredient in his mixture, due to the fact that they did not grow in the surrounding areas.  The accompanying herbs and berries apparently only served to increase the potency of the White Cap's healing properties.

Then suspicion grew like sharp and thorny weeds when the Lightbringer assured all that he still had a supply of White Caps upon him, but that they were dearly bought and meant for another purpose.  As he had no means to secure another supply, since his purse was used for the ones he previously secured, a small donation from all who were to be healed was necessary.   All said that the requested donation of fangs was minimal...but most had been duped once in their lives and anyone with a thimble of wits are wary after being burned once.  So regardless of the low requirement, most chose to not partake of the Lightbringer's services.

The few who did partake found that their sick got better shortly after the treatment and lauded the Lightbringer, while begrudging little the small price they were required to pay because life is worth a few fangs.  The many who refused the Lightbringer's services saw more of their sick die in agony.

Finally all of the sick were brought before the Outlander Lightbringer and he was paid his ransom, then those in need were fed the Outlander Lightbringer's healing mixture.  Those present say that a light entered the Lightbringer's eyes.  Some maintain it was the light of devious cruelty.  Others refute it, those who were the first to seek his aid and witnessed their sick healed.  They claim it was the light of the Morninglord's salvation that gleamed in his eyes.  Once all of the ill had been tended to, the Lightbringer offered final prayers and departed to continue on his previous errand.

The next day the screams began.  Shrieks torn from deep within the belly of each who had been tended to.  "Unbearable pain" was what each incoherent wail spoke of to those who were unfortunate enough to hear.  Even at the farm we heard something.  Perhaps it was just the wind, but I stuffed the soft leaves of the Doe-ear plant into my ears so that I could not hear, like I always tried to do when a sound scared me.  Only twice did the screams cease.  Once was when a screaming person struggled violently to vomit thick viscous black blood with a consistency more akin to mush than fluid.  The other time was when they died.

All knew once the tragedy was over that they had been heinously duped.  Many had heard of the mushrooms said to grow from Neuri spoor and what was supposed to happen when they were ingested.  The reasons why the Outlander chose to engage in such sinister cruelty were never learned, but the small number of fangs from each person he tended had amounted to a small fortune in the end and so the man profited greatly from their pain.

However, a well-known lesson was once more strongly reinforced:  Avoid Outlanders. 
The beatings shall continue until morale improves.

Griefmaker

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Re: Who am I?
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2013, 09:53:02 PM »
Anya say Morninglord will come and we all be happy.  Morninglord bring hope.  I pray to Morninglord each night and hope he come save me from black of éjszaka that is my life.  But I must be bad because he nem come yet and I still hurt.

Hope for me is like a wisp of smoke upon the wind.  It may be there, yet each time I struggle in a vain attempt to grasp at its trailing motes, I find my hand coming up empty.  Darkness colors my life and bleakness my future.  Hunger, weariness, endless toil, fear, apathy, and pain.  Will my days ever turn away from this torment? 

Likely not, but I still find myself secretly striving with each breath to place even a single finger upon that elusive ray of light.  That which is hope.

The Morninglord.

Anya would often speak of him and the message of hope his Lightbringers offered the people of Barovia.  Many ignored the message or considered it noting more than a wishful fancy.  Others feared to allow themselves to hope...in case the result turned out to not be fair and they were left in a worse state than before.  And then there were many who had simply given up on hope altogether.  The last are the worst, because they are basically dead, yet trapped inside a body that still clings to life.  Perhaps my suffering is not quite so bad as that. 

Or am I deluding myself?

Each time I felt the sting of Apa's belt or the fire erupt somewhere on my body as his fist or some other object struck me...I felt myself lose hope.  Surely even a wretch as I did not deserve this treatment?  And for what reason was I, the one who caught Apa's dark eye, cursed repeatedly?  Sertas megvetett.  Always "sertas megvetett!" and then the pain would blossom within me.  I had long ago grown accustomed to the state of being in pain.  But no matter how used to something one gets, it still hurts.  It still makes me shriek and beg.  It still makes me cry.  It still makes me shudder in fear each time I think I did something wrong.

How can one still maintain hope when their life is a never-ending nightmare?

The beatings shall continue until morale improves.