The Spark of Dawn

[Boots]

Too much has happened. I am exhausted, my mind
and body hurt more than ever. I worry for his mind
more, for he is losing it slowly and making bad decisions.
We had to leave home. We cannot go back. I am alone
with Ubul, in the place where it all began for me.

What is going to happen to us? I know he is worried.
He has always been the stronger one. The one to fix
the problems and carry the burdens on his shoulders.
I want to do that for him. But I need to get away. I
need to clear my head.

[Boots]

"Nobody will know who we are, anymore."

"That isn't a bad thing, Rika."

I haven't touched this journal in months. Maybe a year. Time is strange for me these
days. It's just me and Ubul, now. Everyone is gone. Dead, probably. I shouldn't care.
I don't. They made their own decisions, and we weren't going to be a part of it. We
took off. He is the only family I need. In the end it boiled down to simple morality;

Was I really just going to stand there and do nothing?

Restraint is an insane notion for me, especially. I've always struggled with the balance between
right and wrong. I find it hard to stop myself from doing something stupid to help someone who
suffers the way I have. The way so many of us have. We were once, all of us, one heart- one mind, one goal.

Those days are long gone. They've forgotten why we fought and bled. Greed and hatred are powerful enemies,
but even more of a threat when you embrace them.

I felt bad for abandoning Ubul for those months, but I needed to be
on my own. The woods were quiet, and gave me peace of mind until I came to terms
with everything that had happened. Being in his arms feels the same as it always did.
I am home when I am in them. It is almost strange to look back. Things are so quiet,
now. It's almost like a fresh start. Almost. I won't make the same mistake twice.
I've learned my lesson. The past will stay where it damn well belongs.

I won't ruin our luck by saying it's good to be back.

[Boots]

A soft wind whistled through the bare branches of the winter trees. Between the spindly branches, a pair of sparkling green eyes watched a small fluffy animal digging in the thick blanket of snow.

"I am a stone."

Closer, closer still moved the eyes- until they were right behind the little rabbit. The smell of it's warm flesh and rhythmic thump of it's beating heart a siren's song only a predator would hear.

"I do not move."

Softer, the sounds of paws sinking into the snow. A desperate, hungry panting, hot and heavy- small puffs of steam in the freezing air, closing in on dinner.

"Very slowly, I put snow into my mouth. Now, he won't see my breath."

A child, about seven- hidden in a bank of snow, drew back the string of a small bow. 

"I take my time. I let him come closer. I don't tremble, because I am a big girl now."

"Ready, Rika? Now!"

A single arrow flew towards the wolf.

[Boots]

I see them, in my dreams. The expressions of horror on their slack faces as they swing lifeless in the
cold, Barovian air. My brothers, my parents- hung on the gates like vermin. While they watched, proud
of their catch of the day.

Now, I lie in my cot watching the same leak drip onto the floor I have for three years. I used to have a
dog in here, but he's gone now. These walls reek of old blood and sweat, and I wonder how many people
have been where I am now.

No, I'm not in a cell. Don't worry. But it might as well be. I've become so comfortable hiding out here that
I've started to think everything that's happened to me is nothing more than a dream, and maybe it's for the best.

I've mopped the floors and tended the bar for several managers now, and always they end up in the kind of
trouble one can only escape from in death. The latest lot have a bit more spunk, but I will always miss Kafka.
It's not often you meet someone who understands you, truly.

Ubul is gone. The connection we had once wasted away after our return to Vallaki, we just aren't the same
people anymore. I will always worry about him, of course- but he's better off without me. Every time I looked
at him I was reminded of the past, and I couldn't do it anymore.

As for Izzy- well, you know what happened to him. I thought that when I found dear old Papa again I would
be overjoyed, but I was only filled with sorrow, because I had to tell him what became of poor Izzy- and what
poor Izzy himself, became in the end. What I could have become had I stayed much longer.

But it's not all sadness and tears, for the first time in years, things are starting get interesting.

[Boots]

I saw a creature in the sewers tonight.

It was unlike anything I'd seen before. It ran on all fours, like some kind of rabid beast-
with yellow eyes and a lolling tongue, and the stench! By the dawn, the stench... it is enough
to make even the most seasoned street rat's toes curl in disgust.

I awoke to it feasting on my arm, the sickening sound of my flesh tearing away into it's maw.
I managed to get up and scare it off, throw it a rat to eat instead of me. I'm not much to eat, anyway.

I think it knew this.

Ruslan is the one that found me in the street. He scooped me up and dumped me on the table
to tend to my arm. I guess I owe the big bastard my life.

[Boots]

"Where does this doubt come from, Rika? You balk at the idea of wearing a dress
yet you confidently risk it all on a dangerous job that could have lost you
everything if it had gone wrong."

The small Gundarakite lay on her back in the same filthy cot in the basement of the
Gaping Wound she had called home since her return to Vallaki so many years ago,
listening to that same leak rhythmically dripping onto the stone floor. But tonight, it
wasn't lulling her to sleep like it usually did.

He had given her a gift. She had never received such a precious thing before, nothing
of such value had ever been hers. She knew it had been important to him, because he
had carried it around for so long. So why did she find herself fearing it?

"You think too little of yourself." He had told her as he had before, but it was different
this time. There was a hint of care in his tone.

After a long while of considering, she rolled off of the cot and went to fetch the bundle-
unwrapping an ancient hand mirror and slowly lifting it to her face.

There she was, the same girl who had come to Vallaki to work the docks and send money
back home to her family. Except her nose was bent and broken. Her skin had been marred
by the knives of men who had wished her dead- and were probably now long dead themselves.
Her gaze had hardened, and lost its youthful vigour.

It wasn't the mirror she feared, she realised. It was what she would see in the reflection.
What they had made her. Deep down, she had feared she had become the very thing
she left her family to avoid. But as she stared back at the girl in the mirror, she realised
she was wrong about herself. She was strong, now. She ran a business- a proper business.

She had at least one friend- at least she hoped.

Things were starting to look up, and as she realised this, a new fear gripped at her.

The fear of losing what she now had.

[Boots]

Today was a good day. We stole a rare moment of peace out there in the woods,
talking like two old friends around the warmth of our fire. The grass felt crisp and
new beneath my feet. It was great, truly. But every time I look at him, I am reminded of -them.-
Widow's scarred features bearing down on me as we trained, every day- even in the
rain and the snow. She pushed me so hard, that woman. But I knew it was necessary.
Because if it wasn't for her, the woman who became my mother- I know I would be
another corpse alongside the rest of them.

I saw Izzy, with his stupid, stupid smile that made me want to strangle him. I saw Ubul,
his face pressing against mine in urgency. I remembered how frustrated he got with me
and my habit of taking risks. Janos. Brawler. [The final name is scribbled out as an after-thought.]

I remembered the fire in all of them.

I remembered the pain I felt when that fire was snuffed out and I could do nothing to fix it.

Today was a good day, but I never thought it would end the way it did.

[Boots]

[This entry is messy and penned by an unstable hand.]

I suppose I should write these things down. But it was all so chaotic
I fear I cannot find the right words. All I will say is that I do not regret
my actions, and I am confident he feels the same way.
BIG things are happening!

On an unrelated note- after all these years, I finally shared my secret with someone.
The only other living person who knows. I felt giddy as the words left my lips- because
they made it seem real. Like it wasn't all a crazy dream.

Talking about it keeps it alive.    

[Boots]

It is so often that I have to use restraint these days- that word that I never would have associated
with someone like myself. I've gone from being the liability, the hot headed Gundarakite that would
pick fights with anyone that gave her trouble- especially Barovians, to a mentor of sorts.

Kazmer reminds me so, so much of myself back then. He is so full of anger and hatred towards them, for
things that are far beyond his control. Beyond any of ours. I want to protect him, groom him into
compliance, so that he won't meet his fate at the end of a rope- but I know better than anyone that
he won't be swayed so easily.

We met with two men in an undisclosed location, from our homeland. They were brazen and strong,
and brave- braver than I have ever been or at the very least, more stupid. They had outlawed weapons and
spoke with such pride I have never seen in a Gundarakite, not in many years. Still, it was nice to
be among my countrymen. To speak our native tongue freely, it felt like I was home- at least for a
 little while. It was there in them, the fire I remember. Like the people I once called family. Part of me wished-
no, longed to open up right then and there. But I kept calm, for there is far too much at risk.

I've come too far to fall back into my old ways, to become that person again.