"Remember what you have told me, and your doubts will flutter away like leaves on the wind" - Mini
Entry 30Last Entry was a disgrace, unclear and foolish... I have settled down somewhat now... I can make a mult better documentation.
It helps often times to talk about the good before we speak of the bad... it helps cushion our falls, however that is the fall of being optimistic. There is such a thing as being too optimistic. Just because you see kindness in people, just because there is good news doesn't mean we should ignore our falls around us.
I was blessed to see Warden Hyde the other day... he had preformed the most wonderful baptism ceremony for me in the church in Dementlieu. The Baptism was held in-front of the stained glass I have become so fond of...
"Cry no more, for I will cry for you."
Nu one deserves to cry...
...I made Mini cry... I feel miserable absolutely miserable... there is mult too much going on at once... what is happening? what in iadul is happening to me?
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwA7KW-uSIE[/youtube]
Lost love, bright eyes fading Faster than stars falling. How can I tell you that I've failed?While I have not delved into darkness... I see it, I can nu believe it... I am falling from grace.
What once made me a powerful strong and righteous man has become weak with time... I've become a sniveling fool, who thinks he can just get things he wants from pity... what has become of me? Why aren't I there?
WHY AREN'T I DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THAT
BASTARD!?
"In the end; you will either endure long enough to be truly recognized as a hero, or you will live so long that in the end you will become what you fight and in turn only cause more suffering"
"You must not become what you fight"
"Never give up, never surrender" - Warn Windwill
...I am angry with him, and while my anger is rightfully justified and of righteous means... It's blinding me of the other problems I am facing...
That filthy dwarf has brought much suffering onto my self, I speak about how he has taken mult from me. How my craft has been taken from me, how the woman of my dreams has been taken from me, how my friends and congregation have been taken from me...
I am fooling myself... the dwarf has made things mult harder, da. but has he truly taken these things away from me? Is he the sole reason why I have lost what I have lost? Perhaps...
but has all of it truly been lost?
...It is difficult to answer this question I have for myself... I slept on it Ezradammit! I slept on it...
Perhaps the stained glass has heard my pleas for justice, for an answer... I realize it all now... This is all an illusion I have given myself... Frenar has nu right to be in Vallakai, using it as his stomping grounds to hunt innocents. That disgusting dwarf has less right than I do! The pitic is an outlander for Ezra sake... he nu belongs here, he belongs back in his own world. It is nu him that is holding me back... it's me.
Everything I have been doing has been well, frankly selfish. I've worried my friends, my religious allies, I have frightened off the woman I found to have fallen for... I've disregarded her completely, ignoring her wants in needs and just pushing it aside so she could accommodate for my weakness... I was upset when I had found out she had not come to visit me, but instead to deliver a package... when I had NO RIGHT to be upset. When she visits me, it would be out of pity nu love. She does nu love me. Nu matter how much I may want for her to, nu matter how much I am fond of her that is not the way, and trying to expose her to this city life when she is here... it's disgraceful.
I've been nuthing but a burden and a disgrace to everybody... nu just her. I talk about how my curse should be my own burden and nu one elses... yet it becomes someone elses burden when it benefits me. Dredo is right... I'm becoming less of the man I was... I need to speak with her immediately and do the right thing instead of sitting here and looking for hand outs. What can be done however?
It doesn't matter I need to do something to stop the bloodshed and violence. Vallakai is going to erupt into a war with the Drain because of the way Frenar is killing them off... and it is unfortunate to hear Lady Bella has now been doing this as well...
I am disappointed. Frenar, have you nu learned yet? have you nu learned that just because someone appears unsettling that doesn't make them less of a person. I thought you would learn this after I had saved your life and that woman's life, when it probably would have benefited all of Vallakai to just finish you off while you were weak. I value life... and I despise bloodshed.
Yet now I am given a hard choice, Dredo tells me if something is nu done blood will be on my hands for my ignorance. That I will become as bad or worse than the villains I fight. I need to fix things up, get myself properly suited up and ready, speak to my friends, apologize for my insolence, and get to work. I'm starting with Mini, sent her a letter... hopefully I will be granted a second chance with her. If not, that's alright, whether I deserve her forgiveness or not is at her discretion, and her discretion alone.
To think all this time I was being oppressed... I had my friends helped me through the whole time. While things have been mult harder I had not lost it all... I had no lost my craft, my friends come by with help and gifts all the time to push me along, Herbs, ores, even ectoplasm... while not much it hasn't been truly taken away from me, Warden Hyde came to visit me, Koryans been working his hardest on the home front to help me even though he risks excommunication himself and Antonio helped me on a hunt, My friends have always come to visit me, knowing that my time is rough... It was by my own hand alone that Mini was driven away... I have made too many mistakes now... I must return to my proper place, my proper grace, my duty to Ezra, my friends, and those wrongfully persecuted.
"In the end; you will either endure long enough to be truly recognized as a hero, or you will live so long that in the end you will become what you fight and in turn only cause more suffering"
"You must not become what you fight"
"Never give up, never surrender" - Warn Windwill
Warn, you truly understood my life and it's struggles... I have failed even you. I gave up, I stopped fighting and ran off to hide in Dementlieu... and by doing that I have become what I fight... I am only allowing more suffering by sitting here idly and doing nothing. Need to send another letter to Mini, I think I understand what must be done... I am the hero dammit! When things got tough for Thy Holy Knight, did he sit and bitch? Nu, he slew the dragon bravely and saved everybody. The warrior would fight evil at all costs... I haven't given up anything, I have nu paid my price.
Somewhere there's a reason why things don't go my way
Somewhere there's a reason that I cannot explain
Just like the change of season just may not be my turn
But I know there's a reason the lesson's mine to learn
Maybe I don't like it,
but I have no choice
I know that somewhere,
someone
hears
my
voice [youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xj3QEI1wTXQ[/youtube]
I was foolish... thought I knew all of it, thought I was so righteous... I've become full of my self. Nu one is without sin, it is what we do in our life, the decisions we make, the people we touch... this is how we absolve ourselves of sin.
Maybe I don't like it, but I have no choice... I have the power to save many, maybe at the cost of my nobility. I must make a choice... I will make this choice.
I must pray again, to the stained glass... Ezra, I know I have asked for much, I know I have asked for too much in fact from you, my friends, Mini, and anyone I can get my grubby blue little claws on... but even I know where I am powerful and where I am powerless... speak to me, confirm for me that things are going right the way they should. I ask of thee... not of answers, not of solutions, not of direct divine interference, but instead I ask for guidance... guide me to the path of righteousness... show me where I should start...
I must head to the cathedral again, I must pray, pray unlike I have before... I'll make sure to bring Dumas with me as well.
"Cry no more, for I will cry for you."
Legends say Ezra will take the sorrows away from those who pray to this stained glass. I am undeserving, I know this much... but regardless I shall pray. Pray out of my deepest devotion, pray in order to seek out the light that she wants us to see, pray for my friends who have done all they could for me to ease my sorrows....
How lucky am I to have such wonderful friends... and I took terrible advantage of that... I must redeem myself, but how? how? I have thought much... my conscious weighs heavy on me with a dark yet righteous question, and with dark yet righteous solutions...
For now I will pray, pray until I come back into contact with Dredo and the others, pray that I can be forgiven for being so... pitiful, and useless, pray that I can be forgiven...
Blessed Ezra, Our Guardian in the Mists, She who sacrificed Herself to fill the Hollow,
Healer of the sick, protector of the weak, guide to the lost,
To You we pray. Watch over us, Your people. Take us under Your protection,
Show us the light when we are lost in darkness, defend us when the Legions of the Night draw close,
Lead us to our place in the Grand Scheme, and bring us through the night to the shelter of peace.
Ezra... guide my bolts, guide my heart, guide my mind, guide my friends...
I beg of thee... please. I must do what is truly right.
"This world is a test, let them heap all of their pain and troubles upon me and I will stand unbent" - Eliza
"You will find your life tested in so many ways, Micajah; but there comes a time where you must make difficult decisions... You must not become what you fight. Never give up, never surrender" - Warn Windwill
"Remember what you have told me, and your doubts will flutter away like leaves on the wind" - Mini
Nu Mini... it is me that needs to remember what I have been told.