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Author Topic: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)  (Read 8537 times)

Legion XXI

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #25 on: July 24, 2012, 05:27:50 PM »
   I barely slept last night, I keep hearing them in my dreams.  I keep hearing the Owl and the Raven.  They question me and I try to give answers, but it is all for nothing.  I do not know the answers.  The questions they ask make no sense.  Everything fades away as I write.  I sit here, alone.  In the Nest.  Alone.




   -"Have you no loyalty, domn Vakan?"
I didn't know how to answer that.  I looked around the dark room, only a few candles illuminated the walls of my makeshift prison.  Of course I had loyalties, but was this another test?  Was I going to be wrong again if I told him who they were?  I could never say the Owl's name.  I can still not even bring myself to write it.  I just waited for him to continue, and he was all too willing.  The Owl soon joined us, weighing in with his displeasure.  I no longer had any allies here.  They were all in this together, and I had failed them all at once.

   -"There was ONE rule Valkan.  You had just ONE thing to remember and you could not do it.  What are we going to do with you Valkan?  What are we going to do with you?"
Kill me, probably.  I had given up Drukker.  I had made the Owl look like he made a mistake.  He went out on a limb for me and I rewarded him by failing him before he even arrived.  He stood beside me, hand on the table, and spoke the words at me as if they were knives.  I have never seen the Owl this disappointed, not since he warned the Dyka about Morgan.  Was this really what it had come to?  Am I now Morgan Amas?  I do not even need to record what that would mean for me, for I feel like the disgust alone would cause me to vomit. 

   -"If you refuse me simply leave this room"
Sure.  Just walk away, as if nothing had happened.  This whole thing was a charade.  The bottles of ale on the table, the kind offers of free drinks from a Borcan.  If I had accepted, I would have deserved to die.  That was one of the first things the Owl had warned me of.  Well...not that the Owl's instructions had stopped my failures in the past, but I could still save this.  He had trained me well and the knowledge was there, I just needed to do what I had been trained to do.  I was being given options, that means I still have something to offer him.  I still have worth to him, and he does not wish to kill me.  I had to carefully push this tiny advantage.  Speak carefully, Valkan.  Keep it simple, become useful.

   -"If you can nu discipline yourself ..... you leave it to me?
    I am a slow walker....by the time I get to that side of the table you will be bleeding, decide quickly if it is by your hand or mine."

I was going to do it.  At first I refused, but there was never any real choice.  He stood, staring across the table at me.  He took slow steps over toward me as the Owl continued to yell into my ear about things I had not considered.  He told me to make a sign that said a caliban cut it out and get a priest to cast an advanced type of regeneration spell on it.  I took the dagger into my hand, running a finger across the cold steel, preparing myself for what was to come.  This was the price of failure.  I had nobody to blame but myself.  In the end, I was saved from such a fate, but not after being broken enough to agree to the demand.  I suppose in a way, I had already cut my tongue off in my mind.  And that was all that mattered.  I had felt the pain, and it was far worse than I had imagined. 


The Owl had told me to say a prayer to Tymora before I was spared.  Maybe I should start taking his advice more seriously, as it seems she had an eye on me after all.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #26 on: July 24, 2012, 06:02:51 PM »
-"Have you no loyalty, domn Vakan?"
-"There was ONE rule Valkan.  You had just ONE thing to remember and you could not do it.  What are we going to do with you Valkan?  What are we going to do with you?"
-"I am a slow walker....by the time I get to that side of the table you will be bleeding, decide quickly if it is by your hand or mine."
-"I could just kill him now and save the Doctor the trouble."


   The hardest thing to deal with was not the embarrassment.  Not the edge of complete and total disappointment in the Owl's voice.  Not even the fact that I narrowly cheated death yet again.  I had panicked.  I had acted without thinking about what I was saying.  The hardest part of all of this is the reality that my actions in that room were feeble and pathetic.  Just like the Owl said, I sounded like a troublesome teenager trying to worm my way out of a punishment.  I was not the professional he had trained me to be, and there is no excuse for my actions.  It is the reality that despite all of the owl's lessons, I am still not a fraction of the man he is.   At one point he even asked me if I still wanted to be part of the game.  If I was still even interested....

   I wanted to scream...I was letting all of my work slip away.  I had come so far since the days of wasting my time trying to keep Sev alive, or drinking in the inn with Nephis and Nik, carefree as one can possibly remain.  Was I ready to simply throw all of that improvement away?  To just hang up my cloak and blade and drink my nights away in Tigan's as I had done before the Dyka found me?  No.  I have had a taste of the game and there was no way I could walk away now.  The old Valkan is dead, and I'm the one that killed him.  He is not what I want to be.  He is a failure, and he brought his troubles upon himself as fast as others could get rid of them.  The game is where I belong now...it is what I long to be a part of.  What I dream about.  The food that I eat.  Everything has to do with the game, there is nothing else.  Even people are merely pieces on the board, to be manipulated by the players who have risen above the ranks.  To rise to such a position, you have to be flawless in your thoughts and actions.  I am no such thing, I have shown it time and time again.  If you are not perfect in the game, then you simply become a pawn of someone who is.  The Owl, the Raven, the Ferret, the Doctor...they are all the players.  They make the moves.  People like Jax, Blue, .....myself.... we merely serve them in one way or another.  They tell us to move, and we move.  We play their games, while they use us as pieces in THE game.  But I can change things for myself.  I can fight and struggle, twisting my own fate with theirs.  With a bit of help, I can become more than I ever was....more than I thought I could ever be.  I have come too far now to accept any less.  I first got into this wanting gold.  Later, I decided it was power that I needed, to keep myself and those I care about alive...   but now, I know why I am here.  I am here because it is the only place I ever truly feel alive.  I have to play, because it is all I know now.  The thrill of the hunt, the pursuit of your enemy, walking the shadows....I do all of this because I would have it no other way.  There is nothing else I would rather be doing, no line of work more suited to my tastes.  The thrill of the game.  It is a drug that keeps me coming back for more, and always will.

   I will keep pushing onward.  Double my effort and sharpen my mind.  I have learned more from the Owl than I give myself credit for, really.  It shows when I train Blue, I find myself quoting him, using clever training techniques that I hope he would approve of.  I see a scared Valkan and Nik in her eyes, and I become the Owl for a time.  I wonder if he watches me?  I wonder if he sees me train her, recognizing his own techniques in the assignments I give her?  I wish I could be as confident in the Owl's presence.  When I stood before him and the Raven, I felt like a child compared to them.  All I could see was my many mistakes before my eyes.  Hear the edge of their voices at my ears.  I lacked the strength to stand before them and show them that I was the right man for the job, that I had many talents that they would NEED sooner or later.  I simply took my beatings, and retreated, leaving me now to make up lost ground.  The game will not wait for me to become ready.  It is time for me to jump into the waters before the tide retreats.  I will become flawless in both mind and mission or I will die trying.  It is open to us all, whether we play as pawns or Owls is up to us, and us alone.  



-Tymora be with me, I know I am still drawing breath for a reason.  Weather it is a chance for redemption or simply because I amuse her with my efforts remains to be seen.  I am starting to think that Agatha the Seer was wrong.  Maybe the gods have not abandoned this world after all.  There is still a chance for me to save myself.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2012, 06:57:04 PM by Legion XXI »

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #27 on: July 24, 2012, 06:23:06 PM »
   I ran into the Doctor again.  He ran into me...more like it.  I was in the wash room of Tiggan's and had just finished preparations to my armor to head out into the night, when he simply walked right in.  He secured the door behind him and spoke to me, his voice cold and laced with a poison that would make even a Borcan assassin kneel in awe.  "Valkan...I was going to wait for you, but I have waited long enough...jo?  I figured by now you would have gone the way of Morgan."  Morgan.  Killed by an assassin.  I knew this moment was coming, and I had prepared myself mentally.  I thought of the Owls words - "Expected to die?  Valkan, I expect to die every day, and that began long before I entered these lands."  I could not fear that this meeting would be my last.  I had to simply focus on what was happening, focus on things I could do something about. We had a short and slightly heated discussion, in which I ended up giving him the thirteen thousand fang I owed him, and he was generous enough to call off the man he had sent to "find" me.  He also mentioned that he was made aware that I had used his name in my meeting with the Raven, and was quite...displeased....but we managed to end the meeting on good terms and we found a way for me to earn back my good name.  It is a choice that leaves me contemplyating the very meaning of the word.  The meaning behind it.  What it REALLY means to me.  It will requite much more thought, but every time I try to think about it I can only hear the Raven's voice in my mind again.

-"Have you no loyalty, domn Vakan?"

Hells, I don't even know what the word really means any more.  Do I follow the Owl out of loyalty or fear?  Can you even have one without the other in some way?  I would defend him if he were threatened, but it very well may only be because I feel that he may be able to kill me from the afterlife if my incompetence in combat was the cause of his fall.  As I write, I can't help but consider the same for all of my "allies".  They are loyal to me, this much is obvious.  Luca, Dec, Blue...they would defend me without me even asking.  Surely I would do the same for them....


I would do the same for Scurvy.


   He is the closest thing I have to full loyalty.  He does not threaten me for failure, and has never raised a blade against me.  Back in the Dyka, I wanted to succeed simply to bring him power and success.  I would have walked into the hells at his command, not because I was afraid of failure, but because I wanted to earn him victory.  Perhaps this is the loyalty I should work on with the others.  I saw him yesterday...but we did not get to speak long.  I will search him out again.  Maybe I can ask him of the topic.  We have much to discuss, it has been far too long.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2012, 06:57:53 PM by Legion XXI »

Legion XXI

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #28 on: July 26, 2012, 08:03:20 PM »
   I saw a ghost today.  Not like the pale specters that roam crypts and graveyards.  Not like the restless spirits calling for vengeance, longing only to drag others with them into death's cold embrace...

This ghost was far worse.  It was alive.  It was a brother long dead, come back to life.  I had suspected that he had never truly died many times, but was too fearful to bring it up to the Owl.  Too worried of how foolish it would all sound coming from the lowly Valkan.

The water - The only thing he ever drinks.
The farewell - Reminding me to be as the blade is, or be cut down by one.
The Red Widows - A fear from the stories of the night.
The dagger - It was one of the last things he showed me before he died.  Always in his left hand.  Always cold and ready to strike.


   This was him.  It always was, and I was too blinded by fear.  Too afraid to be right for once.  I immediately heard the Raven's question of loyalty in my mind.  Saw the Doctor's face, offering me a chance to redeem myself.  Heard his proposal again and re-considered it now that I had found my brother.  Could I carry out my mission now after looking into his eyes once more?  He told me everything...or at least most things.  I have no way of knowing if it was everything, but it was far more than I could have ever imagined.  We have both changed, since the old days.  The Dyka has been long dead, and it is not coming back to life any time soon.  Now there is only the Company.  The Game.  -and we both play now.  Brothers once again, bound by the blood I shed before his eyes.  He and Scurvy both saw it.  They told me to prove my loyalty, and I did.  A scar that I would not see fade away any time soon. . .  my loyalty for them still burns strong.  The cut was only skin deep, but the loyalty was set into the blood.  It is a part of me like anything else now.


- Welcome back my friend, may Tymora guide our steps this time around.  May our backs always remain defended, our blades always face the enemy.


 Loyalty... I now know the meaning of the word.  I am ashamed that I ever forgot it.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #29 on: July 30, 2012, 01:46:41 AM »
 
A few current notes on the Owl


  So as outlandish as this sounds, I am starting to believe what the Ferret said about the Owl.  Maybe he is human after all.  And not... magically altered, all-seeing human.  Just a normal man who has honed his skill to such a level that it would just seem as if he is something else.  I was skeptical at first, but Ferret told me stories of Owl having emotions like anger, fear, paranoia....   -Owl?  Really?  I always saw him as the cold observer, silently dropping in to offer advice or supplies, then fading away as quickly as he came.  The man was a shadow above all others.  

A.   -Ferret warned me...pay attention during his training.  If he thinks you are not listening, he is likely to become very upset.  Do not try and change the subject, do not refer to anything not being directly spoken about.  The Owl is a busy man and he clearly does not appreciate his time being wasted.  Though...this means his time is valuable.  Therefore he must have a finite amount of it, yes?  He is not immortal.

B.  -He told me that Owl was gripped by an emotion almost resembling fear when his spells wore off.  He would shout for him to stop speaking and retreat to a safe place to restore the magic.  I suppose if I had spells that allowed me to see the unseen as if it were wearing a bright pink cloak, I'd do the same thing.  Though, this fear shows that Owl feels vulnerable with his spells down.  It is an obvious sign of mortality.  Again, he is seeming more human as we speak.

C.   -And then there was last night.  We were alone in a room, I was giving my report on a pressing matter that had been eating away at my mind.  He spoke to me as he did the other night when we spoke to the blood-mage caliban.  Almost...casually...if I may use the word here.  It feels wrong, yet it is the only way I can describe what his tone was like.  He was businesslike, though slightly different than in the past and less to the point.  He actually wanted to know my thoughts on the matters, and wanted for me to report in full detail.  I still remember the cold edge his voice took on as Victoria later entered the room without permission.   "What the hell are you doing in here?"   I have to admit, I was hoping he would let me kill her.  The woman is trouble, and she is going to drag us in with her if we let her.  She speaks of things that she knows little about, and thinks herself a higher station than she really is.  Of course...I am not one to be able to judge her....though he allowed me in the room, didn't he?  Owl let me stay while he told her to leave.  That has to say something.  He has to have noticed how I have been trying to improve in everything I do.  Maybe I have made more progress than I give myself credit for.  Maybe less.  I'm not about to ask him.


   At any rate, back to the correct order of the story.  As I neared the end of the report, there was a....shift...in the air behind him.  He stands and turns to face what appears to be a woman in the room with us.  My mind raced - how had I not seen her come in?  Heard the door?  Was she an assassin?  I tensed slightly, hand on the hilt of my blade under the table in case I would have to defend the Owl.  I knew where my loyalties were now, and I was not about to take this one sitting down.  Though, it ended up not being needed.  She was a strange one, to say the least.  She spoke in riddles that seemed to even take the Owl a minute to decipher.  Most of it was beyond my reach, so I merely watched the door with Ferret, listening to them in the background when they spoke above a whisper.  The Owl was so...relaxed...around her.  He offered her help.  Asked if there was anything he could do.  At one point he even joked about how his time here has been nothing but a long list of bad choices.  He later referred to me as a man who made a lot of similar bad choices.

   Was he trying to say that he had been in my position before?  Was it POSSIBLE that the Owl was not always what he is now?  I hardly find it believable, yet every story has to start somewhere...right?  I hardly dare entertain the thought that one day I could hone my skills to the razor edge that would be required to operate as he does.  Though his words gave more hope than he probably intended.  To know that even he has made what he considers to be a lot of bad choices, and has recovered to what he is now?  I can do the same.  I can rise up to what he needs me to be.  I will do whatever task is put before me.  He has not given up on me yet, and I am sure that he has to have a good reason for it.

   This is all quite a bit to take in, even as I write it.  The Owl is human after all, there is no doubt about it any more.  I have seen firsthand what appears to be a variety of emotions from him, and he has even hinted at things that seem hard to believe after seeing him as he is now.  Why he has kept me around this long is unknown to me, but hopefully my recent actions have earned me more of a place in his circle.  Hopefully the reports I have given him and the information passed along are something to show that I was worth saving after all.  I will have to examine him more to get more information on exactly WHO he is.  There is really no need for me to know, but now it has become more of a personal interest.  What makes a man become like a god?  What has he gone though to sharpen himself to the point that he now is?  I am hoping I get the chance to work closer to him now that I have been running tasks with Ferret.  He even told us good job for our work today.  "Good job, you two."  He was pleased, and let us know.  Perhaps Tymora really is favoring me for now....?  I have a good feeling about the next few days.



---As a small final note...His dialect...Dalespeak, we call it...  I uh...well, I am somewhat surprised.  I mean...it's the Owl.  Did he never learn to speak proper Draconian?  I'm not going to even entertain the thought of asking him about it, so I write it here to get it out of my head.  I wonder if he sees me as more intelligent than before because of my speech?  Or at least more formal.  It has to count for something....hopefully he does not notice the curiosity in my eyes as I listen to him speak that (slightly laughable and ridiculous.) dialect.  I'm not writing any more about it, however.  I already am getting the tingle at the base of my skull, like when I consider writing his name.  It's almost like he knows I am thinking about it, and-  er...  never mind.  Let the record show that I do not think any less of him because of his backwards way of speaking.  I'm sure he could speak proper Draconian if he wanted to.  It's just...er... easier...or something.  I don't know.
« Last Edit: July 30, 2012, 10:58:30 AM by Legion XXI »

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #30 on: August 02, 2012, 12:04:11 AM »
   This is it, time to go all in.  The Owl and Ferret have given me a name.  A name earned through hard work, and worth more to me than the ten thousand fang he tried to pay me for what I have done for them so far.  The Fox.  That's who I am now, down here in the Drain.  Valkan was just a merchant, but the Fox can be so much more.  They said it was because I showed cunning in my dealings with others, and coming from them, that means something.  I was sitting across from the two people I respect most in these lands, and for once I felt like I actually belonged in their presence.  Finally, after all the training, the fighting, the days and nights crawling in the shadows....  - Though now is not time to let up.  I made a promise to myself to double my efforts.  Focus my studies.  Hone my skill.  I will never truly be satisfied with my skills until they are as sharp as the Owl's.  A goal made entirely of fantasy, I know, but why not try for it?  He said himself that he used to make mistakes, was nowhere near what he is now.  He managed to do it - to reach true, unmatched skill.  Maybe I can at least come close...after all, I have the benefit of working very close to him and the Ferret now.  If there was ever a time to push myself even harder, it is now.


   Sure enough, an opportunity rapidly presented itself.  The Owl spoke to myself and Ferret about an idea he has been putting together - A group of intellectuals who can pursue studies freely and share learned information with each other without fear of moral judgement.  An amazing opportunity to learn things that would otherwise be lost to us.  Magic, lost lore, the very nature and workings of life and death itself...the possibilities are almost endless.  We are on to something, I can feel it - and the Owl is going to lead us there.  We have been gathering people, bringing them to one of the rooms in the drain, sharing our vision with them.  Dragos naturally found his way there, he is developing rapidly - a good sign.  He will make a fine addition to the...well...we do not have a name for it as of now, but that will come in time, we only heard the idea recently.  It was a pleasure to see Cael again as well, I'm glad he has managed to survive all this time...it is rare for me to see old brothers now.  I spoke to Scurvy about it.  He is hungry for information of shadows and shadow dragons.  I know a little of what he is planning, and honestly I don't know what to think about it.  I told him of the group, and I'll have to ask the Owl what he thinks about having him there.  This is my chief concern with the group...too many intellectuals...too many people who are used to leading in their own circles.  We will have to be careful how things proceed, as if everyone can not break away from their own agendas long enough to cooperate and share information freely and in a businesslike way, there could be complications.  I know not of the relationships between people we bring in.  So far it has been fine, but eventually we will surely have people show up who are at odds with one another, and we will have to make peace.  Though, it is not really a problem exactly...I am fully confident that we can handle any conflict that may arise.


   For our first meeting, we all stood in turn and spoke our names and a bit of what we were interested in studying.  Owl went first, stating a few things that caught me by surprise.  A few of the items he was particularly interested in were dreams, the manipulation of dreams, and how something like this could go on to influence an individual's actions in the real world.  Interesting, to say the least, and maybe I should make it a point never to fall asleep in front of him.  Maybe that would be a fitting punishment if you fall asleep during a meeting, allow him to test a few ideas on your careless and apparently sleep-deprived self.  Though it would be a shame if he accidentally broke a mind in the process.  Still - interesting stuff.  I felt a great deal of pride when my turn came and I stood and declared myself as the Fox.  As for my studies,  while I am one of the only non-spellcasters in the group, and the only one at that particular meeting... I seek knowledge of arcane magic and to a lesser extent, divine blessings.  I want to know the nature of it all...it fascinates me.  Power in it's raw form.  Manipulating the very world around you with mere motions and commands.  I do not desire to cast these spells myself, of course, as it would take too much time away from my never-ending practice of my own skills.  I wish to remain adept in all the skills of infiltration that I have picked up over the many years, and taking time away to study the actual casting of magic would cause my advances to falter.  Though, I CAN learn everything else about it.  I wish to know the intricacies of how it all works...the many spells and what they do as well.  A major area of interest to me is how mages actually come to store magic in seemingly mundane items, and then allow them to be used later to produce spell-like results.  I myself have used a few of these items, and even managed to get a scroll or two to respond to my commands - yet I want to move on to bigger things.  More advanced scrolls, stronger items.  I want to harness the magic stored in them, and fully understand just how it can be used for my advantage while in the field.  Without the ability to cast spells of my own, and the high possibility of me being caught alone in my line of work, having a high understanding of these items I wield and the spells that may be coming at me would be very advantageous. Besides, the Owl says he likes the idea of me undertaking this study.  He approves, and that is all I need.  Clearly it was a good idea, and I am ready to begin my studies.  As for Dragos and Cael, they both are delving deep into the fields of life and death. . .Necromancy.  Dragos for power, Cael for what seems like knowledge of how it could be used against him.  Though maybe he was just nervous to say he wishes to command the dead.  Still, he has hid it rather well so far and he seems to be tenfold times smarter about the use of such magic than every other mage I've seen in this land, so I support the idea.  He is also extremely interested in defensive magic, which will prove useful no matter what.  Cael is a great addition to the group, and I am honored to share the company of so many established spellcasters as if I belonged in their presence.  I suppose it is a mark of just how far I have come since my days in the Dyka.  Today, I am proud to be what I am.  The Fox.  And I will only become better from here, failure was never an option and I have all the tools I need to become something more than I had ever imagined.  Now I just have to chase what I want.  Follow my instinct, as Scurvy always tells me. 


Hells....I'll admit it.  I'm actually a bit excited about the idea of it all.



-On another note, there was a strange caliban man who spoke to us for a while about a number of things, then immediately left as we described what out group was.  Seemed to head for the back room.  The Owl didn't want me to follow him, but the man makes my blade itch, and I don't like it.  I'll have to be twice as vigilant for a while, I don't trust anyone who walks out on a peaceful meeting that fast.  Dragos seems to be convinced a war is coming to the Drain, and wants us to pick sides.  I just wish we could all focus on our own group for a while.  As long as none of us do anything to upset either side, we will be fine.  I'll have to keep an eye on Dragos to make sure he does not do anything rash.  He seems to have a rather good head on his shoulders, but blood-mages tend to have that...other side to them.  Though...he did show a good amount of leadership in getting this rather small runt caliban to give him information on what is going on around the darker corners of the drain.  It was surprisingly valuable information, and he handled the whole situation very well, maintaining an air of authority and a calm attitude through the entire thing.  He is proving his worth to our group already.  I actually look forward to working with him more, and that does not happen often outside of the Owl and Ferret.

Legion XXI

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #31 on: August 06, 2012, 06:38:35 AM »
   By the hells, I have never seen so much gold in one room in all my days, and I doubt I ever will again.  


   It was the morning of the Auction, and I had just finished preparations for the trip to the Port when I saw none other than the old man Janos wobble by, clutching his stick as if it was the only thing holding him up (which....it probably was, hah!).  Naturally, I followed him in the direction of the Sewers, and then soon the Drain.  He descended into the domain of filth and darkness, unaware that a shadowy Fox drifted along silently in his wake.  I did not make a sound as I stalked him, and could not help but feel the itch on my palm...it longing to meet the hilt of my blade and drive the weapon into the temple of the old man's head, feeling skin and bone wither and break as the blade ends his pathetic life.  But...it was not his time, not yet.  I would yet speak with the man, and see if he can be convinced to give up his foolish game.  To surrender to me, and go his own way with his throat quite un-slit, no loner spreading his poison into the minds of others.  Before long, we came across a strange woman.  She was one I had seen approach me a few nights before and play the music full of sorrow.  The notes seemed to draw the feeling from the very air around you, leaving only gloom and shadow.  She had come down into the sewers and was headed for the drain, but rats jumped onto her.  She fell to them, teeth at her throat, but Janos stepped in and beat them away with his walking stick.  He helped her up and they continued inside, - myself still shadowing them.  I snaked my way between a pipe and a pillar, watching from the shadows as they conversed.  Before long, I heard s small rush of air in the hallway, and heard the quiet footfalls before I saw the man.  Around the corner strode none other than the ex-garda vampire, Nicolae.  Suddenly no shadow seemed dark enough, and every breath I took seemed to strike out at the room like the shattering of glass.  As he passed by where I was, I held my breath entirely.  My mind was screaming for me to flee, but I knew he would catch me.  I immediately calmed myself...I had been trained for situations like this.  I calmly stepped out of my hiding place and approached him, my boots feeling as heavy on me as if they were filled with sand.  My legs awkward and tensed, as if my very body was trying to hold me back....yet I approached him.  We exchanged a few words, and a deal was struck.  It appears Tymora has favored me yet again, he was willing to let past disagreements go if I would only accompany him to the Port and pose as his employer, buying goods for a collection.  We set off after that, leaving Janos alone with his caliban woman.


   Upon arrival at the auction, it soon became clear that the magic competition was still underway, and most people were there spectating.  I was forced to make small talk with a few of the others there, and after what seemed like an eternity, the rest of the guests arrived.  We all took seats and watched a few men set up a curious device on stage, casting off lights and other nonsense.  I was curious to how it all worked, but I could hardly even think about it on the count of me being on the edge of my seat and using all of my mental focus to try and see what items were being brought out.  Owl had taken up a spot on the first row, but due to my....associate...I had to sit off to the side where he would not draw suspicion.  The bidding began for the first few items, none of which were of particular interest to me.  The Owl seemed to be looking the items over and judging their worth for himself, occasionally making an expression or comment that would show if the item was going for less than it should.  I observed some of the others in the room...one person of note was a well-dressed and flamboyant man named Mr. De'Roth, I believe it was.  He had placed a few silent bids, one of which was a staggering 250 thousand solars.  Another was just over 100 thousand....where was this man getting this kind of coin from?  What the hells did he DO?  The man from the class I am taking....Magnus was his name...was in attendance.  Making an annoyance out of himself as always, of course.  I can not for the life of me find out why people tolerate him, but they do.  At any rate...the only bid he placed was a generous 5 solars.  The man reminds me so much of Victoria, it almost makes me more angry at her just to look at him.  Still, as the items passed...more and more coin came forth.  Half of the crowd would respond in anger at the prices that some of these items were reaching, the other half merely held tightly to their coin purses, knowing full well what was on the line.  And yet another man (They call him Victor, I have met him before with Luca) simply stood off to the side with the most utter look of sheer confusion so thick that it makes a mink look as it could pass classes in the university.  He made embarrassing sounds, and spoke out of turn, utterly defeated at the sight of so many people that had so much more wealth than he did.  Owl did not bid on many things, which surprised me at first.  He simply sat there, content to watch things come and go, placing a few moderate bids and then backing off as others drove the price skyward.  He seemed rather keen on a shortsword, yet as Victor flailed himself about in the background, others placed serious bids and the blade was taken away for a modest twenty thousand.  After a short time, I began to notice a bit of a pattern.  The Owl was bidding on items that seem to be especially useful in a certain line of work.  Coincidentally... exactly the line of work I do with him.  I thought back to when I first met the Ferret...I had offered him a set of armor at a very low price, and he assured me that what he had was better.  The Owl had smirked at this, and I was not sure what it all meant at the time.  As I sat there in my seat, reality was dropped on me...and it weighed more than all of the million solars that had been spent in that very room already.  The Owl had taken me in as one of his own recently.  He was buying gear that was comparable to what he and Ferret use.  I knew I had seen that belt..the blade....the boots...all before.  They were of a similar make and quality to the ones that they used.  And who else did he have to give it to, if himself and Ferret already had them?  Fox, of course.  He had lost the bid for the belt, but seemed content, as if he was holding back something that only he knew.  Knowing Owl, he would have at least three backup plans for any given situation, so all that remained was for me to wait and find out.   The bidding reached fifty thousand solars - more gold than I have ever had.  Then sixty.  Eighty.  As they broke one hundred, the room was nearly in chaos.  People were making sounds of disgust and outrage, a man who had just taken part in the bidding himself was screaming about how outrageous the idea was.  A hin exclaimed that it was enough coin to last him ten lifetimes.  I was in near shock...the Owl met every bid swiftly, clearly having no intention to lose.  He eyed the other bidders with a fire in his eyes, and it waas clear that he had no intentions of backing down.  How much coin did he have?  How much was he prepared to spend?  "One hundred and ten thousand solars!" Well, apparently that much.  Wymmer was clearly beside himself at the idea.  He was going to be a very rich man tonight.  If I ever did happen to wear these boots, I would almost feel ashamed to let the bottoms of them touch the ground.  The damned things were probably worth more money than the entire cost of the Citadel's active garrison, counting armor and weapons.  

   The auction ended and we all went out own ways.  Dragos was not allowed in the Governor's hotel, so I proceeded to the penthouse alone, looking for the Owl to congratulate him on his success.  Upon my arrival he was engaged in conversation, so I started up a few of my own with the Ferret soon arriving behind me.  We spoke to a man with a rather forgettable name about the most mundane and routine of all topics one could come up with.  Blending with the wealthy men and talking the talk of merchants an business was interesting at first, maybe even enjoyable, but I longed to have my blade at my side again and dark leathers over my skin.  Here I was vulnerable, I was Valkan.  The Fox was sleeping, because he was not invited to the party.  Probably best though, as Victoria yet again used the Raven's name to try and get recognition.  The damned woman is going to get herself killed like that one day, even if I have to do it myself.  She should know better.  Some time passed and the Owl come over, joining the conversation for a time.  I soon became uncomfortable, everyone's eyes resting on me slightly too long...people staring at me even when I was not speaking...it became too much.  I bid them all farewell and as I turned away, the Owl told me to wait.  I turned back to him, and he was holding an all to familiar set of boots and a belt.  He had that wide grin on his face, that knowing look in his eyes.  He told me they were for me, and it was all I could do to keep a level voice as I thanked him.  I was smiling like an idiot, I could tell, but I did not care.  I was holding in my arms roughly two hundred and fifty thousand solars worth of gear, and all I could think about was getting out of there and putting it on.  I must admit, I rather enjoyed the jealous looks of the others in the room as they looked on...especially Victoria. I was right...he HAD been trying to purchase gear for me.  He had lost the bid for the belt, so how he came up with one is entirely beyond me, but he did it.  The man is a complete mystery to me at times.  I had done a few things for him, but surely NOTHING to warrant this kind of generosity.  I do not think I was able to wipe the look of pure excitement off my face until I had crossed the street and entered the bathroom of the Golden Fig.  I quickly changed into the Fox's armor, and donned my new items.  Ducking out of the doorway into the cool night air, I walked the streets a bit.  I was not even trying to hide, yet I barely made a sound as I moved.  The enchantments on the gear was obvious, I could not have walked with a heavy step even if I tried.  I was a ghost in this gear....and it was once again all made possible by the Owl.  I owe the man everything....hells...he has even saved my life more than once.  I'm still not sure what he saw in me, or even what he dos not to make this as worth its weight in gold as he apparently thinks it is...but I can only be grateful and do my best to carry out his will.  This new gear will help me carry out his orders, advance our cause.  When the Owl speaks, the Ferret and the Fox make it so.  It is that simple.  Failure is not an option, and I have no intention of letting up now.


- I recall Wymmer's voice still, with a bit of amusement...

"Und vhere vould you be, vithout friends like zhis?"  

And my response,

"Probably not in a hotel as nice as this one."

As I walked out of the room, veins running with excited fire and a smile crossing my face - I was truly honored to work with the Owl.  I don't know about what I have heard...the gods being dead to this world and all...but I knew that the man in that room who had done so much for me was the closest thing to a god in this world I was probably going to find, and in that frozen moment, I was actually alright with that.  Hells....I think I still am.  I owe him everything I have, and I can only strive to be half as skilled as he is one day.  One step at a time, I suppose.
« Last Edit: August 06, 2012, 09:22:10 AM by Legion XXI »

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #32 on: August 16, 2012, 12:39:05 AM »
   I have not slept in days.  I can still feel the cold chill of truth blocking out all emotion.  I force myself to keep thinking, keep moving.  I have a job to do and I must do it. 

   It's almost funny, really.  In the past I have passed on information that has gotten people betrayed, hunted, killed.  Today, I deliver a report to the Owl that will play a part in the efforts to literally stop this world from ending, and I feel like I have been beaten by a caliban brute.  I'm no hero.  I never will be.  Owl said that was his job....and I am thankful.   As much as I desire to be at the forefront... as much as I want to see everything for myself and help...I am but a pale shadow next to people like him.  I would be of no help, and I know it.  My place is in the background, doing what I do best.  The Owl is like a god among men...that grey wizard Ana...she is one of the the strongest spellcasters in the Core, I hear.  For them to be targets of this "Blaze"....for them to have the worry that I have seen...

   I can't finish this entry right now.  Perhaps I can re-visit it soon when the icy grasp releases my thoughts.  When the weight of what has happened lifts just a fraction.  Tonight I heard the Owl say that the world was ending.  This is what it has come to?  A small glimmer of hope...  a slim chance of a narrow escape?  Lucadia insists that because of the nature of the magic being used, we can still stop this.   Perhaps that's what the Owl hopes to accomplish.  I don't know...all I know is that I feel as if the entire world is pressing down around us.  The mists haunt the corners of my vision.  I see shadows, and when I turn to look there is nothing there.  I have not slept.  I hardly eat.  I saw Daryl scratching his arms again, flipping his dagger...  he feels the old craving.  I could see it.  Hells, I might join him this time.  Anything to ease the pain...  anything to make this just a dream...

   Owl said he was in over his head.  I can hear it as I write...the cold resignation in his voice.  He gave us a few things to hold on to...should he not return.  He told us that if he does not come back, we will work for Drukker.  I would have protested, but in all truth...if the Owl does not come back, we are all going to die anyways.  The world will be consumed in another Great Upheaval.


  I made peace with the old man Janos, today.  When you look into the future as see your world in roaring flames, a past dispute with one old man seems like nothing but the memory of an ember by comparison.   Tymora be with all the ones who stand against the Blaze.  I feel as if the entire Core is being forced to "Pick a sword", and soon we are going to find out just how lucky we are.  What the Seer told me is right.  The gods have abandoned this world and everyone in it.  When there are no gods, we become the masters of our own fate.  I blame this for why things have ended up.  We are not heroes, we are not gods.  As a whole we are too unwise to command our own direction. 


-They should have left us at home.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Valkan)
« Reply #33 on: August 16, 2012, 08:00:55 PM »
  I sit once again in the corner of a dark room in the Lady's rest.  No candle lit, not a sound other than my quill scratching the page.  This is the only place I can find peace, for a time.  I sat here for a small eternity before I had the focus to write.  I remained silent, my eyes lightly closed.  In my hand - A small tarnished silver pin.  I removed my gloves, ran my fingers across its surface in deep reflection... everything made sense now.  I saw images in my mind, things long forgotten.  Shadows of stories told long ago in my homeland.....


The legends were true.  This was not a simple farm boy from the Dales who happened to pick up magic from passing adventurers.  This was not a man who had survived this long by luck alone.  He had risen above what most would ever dream of.  He had made more of himself - GAVE  more of himself - than most could in two lifetimes.  I will never look at the Owl the same way after these last two nights.  The information...the shadowed movements...the refined, unmatched skill...  I say it again - The legends were true.


  "Hold that pin and feel confident, eh?  That what it represents means something."
  "Don't lose hope, because in time like this, it's all we have."



   It was strange to hear the words.  This Owl was not the one that I had met so long ago, not anymore.  Here he was, speaking to me of hope...telling me that things like this are what we live to die for.  Here we stood, in the darkness of the underground's most infamous location.  The floor dusty and cracked, the walls bearing bloodstains of struggles long forgotten, a simple wooden table and chairs - more than a luxury for those who are forced to hide their face.  It was here that the Owl looked me in the eyes and told me to have hope.  Hope, in a world already lost to blackness.  Hope, as we rapidly approach the end of all days, only a few brave souls willing to stand against the onslaught.  Hope, while I watch everyone I know turned against me... while I watch the puppet-master pull his strings, knowing there is nothing I can do to cut them.  He asked me to have hope, yet each word he spoke echoed in my mind...

  "There's no gods in this world, you know...  No luck, no fate.  We are in this only for ourselves.  It's terrifying, sort of.  But you know what?  It also means our wills are purely what drive us.  Stay strong."

  
   He meant every word he said.   I felt my entire body go numb, it was all I could do to keep focused on the conversation.  I felt the pin in the hidden pocket I made for it yesterday.  I offered it back to him, telling him that he is going to need it more than I in the days to come.  He just smiled.  Without looking, he produced a similar pin and held it up. 

   "You and Ferret have both made me proud."


   In that very moment, I knew there was no way I could express the pride I felt.  No possible way I could ever describe what it meant for me to hold that pin...to stand beside him and face whatever comes out of the mists.  I don't care what he says, he is a hero.  A true hero. Before me stood a man who was going to walk into the flames, knowing full well he may not emerge again.  He stood as tall as any paladin, as strong as any priest, yet he was not in this for the glory.  He was not in this for the name and banner of some forgotten god, some shadow of a once great being.  He was not in this for some blind crusade to rid the world of evil.  No.... when the generations to come tell of how the day was won...of how the entire Core was dropped to it's knees - a cold and unforgiving steel blade pressed to its throat- ...when they tell the tales, the people like me will be but the shadow of a footnote.  He will have his name spoken by bards in this land and every other.  He and the ones who stood with him will be forever immortalized in word and song.  History will remember him, but not that the reason he takes the front.   He does it so that the ones in the back can move undetected.  He exposes himself from the safety of the shadows - steps into the light with the back-biting knives and clawing demons so that my work may continue unopposed for as long as possible.  He is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice because he truly believes my work to be that important.  It is the greatest honor one could hope for, knowing that my steps in the dark and the prey that I stalk were deemed the important enough to shed blood for.  The idea that my work could very well be more important to him than the battle being fought, the blood being spilled.  I was unable to express how in that very moment, I felt nothing but honor and thanks for the man that had brought me this far.  He considered me worth saving back then, and when the time came around again...he did not change his mind.  He looked right at me and thanked me for all that I had done.  He told me my work was just as or even more important than what was happening on the front lines, and to keep it up.  He said that what I am doing now is usually his job.  He lets those at the front take the fall while he works from the shadows...but this time was different.  He was trusting the task to me, while he took the brunt of the attacks.  It was true, too.  I had overheard that he is being hunted now.  He has been deemed dangerous to the enemy.  He endures all of this because he believes that I will not let him down when the time comes.  It was all I could do to simply bow my head a bit, showing respect for the man that had brought me this far.  We were in this together, and if we were going to come out of this with any hope of survival, he needed me at my best.  I owed it to him, after all he has done for me.  I will continue my mission until the ground beneath me fades to mist.  I will keep up my search until every corner of the Core has passed under my tread.  I will hear every word spoken - every hint of a whisper carried by the wind.  It was this very moment that all my training had been building to, this very moment that my entire existence in this world had been preparing me for.  This was no training mission.  The Owl needed my help, and I would sooner see myself tortured in every last hell of Baator before I became the one who let him down. 


  He stopped me as we parted ways.  Looked at me one last time before he headed back to the front, back into the the darkness waiting for him. 

  "You know how I said there was nothing I could ever offer as enough payment for your work?  ...I hope this was a start."

   Again, I knew there was nothing I could have said.  But he knew.  Owl knows what an honor it is.  Owl knows everything....and if I can help to add to that, I will do whatever it takes.  What he said is true, the world -is- ending.  But honestly...there is nowhere else I'd rather be...no other role I would have myself fulfill.  He needs someone he can trust, and I was lucky enough to be that person.  No - there  is no luck.....  I earned this.  This is my place, and I have fought and bled for it.  I'll be damned to the hells for all of eternity before I give up hope now.


  It's all I have at times like this.   A glimmer of hope reflecting off a dull silver pin in a dark room.  Nobody will ever see it.  Nobody will ever know.   ....and I would not have it any other way. 

  If a time comes when I never see you again, then I will bid you adio, Zachary.  You are more of a hero than the holy warriors everywhere.  Every last soul in the Dales would be proud.  Until that day, I hold onto the hope that this can still be turned around.  I would be lying if I said that such selfless and willing sacrifice did not cause me to think about my own actions.  To consider what is really important to me in this world.  For once my work is helping this land, rather than taking away from it.  I suppose I have changed more than I thought.  


Maybe we all have.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #34 on: August 18, 2012, 04:00:23 AM »
   I still remember the look on the man's face as Owl, Ferret, and I revealed our hiding place.  As we stepped from the shadows and brushed past him and his allies as if they were of no worth to us.  He drew his blade, but it was out of fear.  A fear that was all too familiar.  All spoken words ceased as the three of us silently made our way to the door, our footfalls scarcely making a sound, not even disturbing the dust of the tomb as we glided by.  One by one we left the room and then closed the door behind us with a metallic echo.  The rest of the night passed, and at first light I went to my room in the Lady's Rest and settled into my corner.  I closed my eyes and felt sleep's welcome embrace for the first time in days.

   The next morning I awoke, feeling strangely relaxed.  The worry, the fear, the impending doom of everything I know - it had all faded.  I wanted to go for a walk, to breathe the cool air blowing in from the mountains.  I opened the door of the inn and pulled my hood up to shade my eyes from the bright daytime light.  As I passed by the camp, I noticed a familiar man - It was the scared one from the night before, Dumas.  I walked over and took a seat beside him, a strange moment of sympathy as I knew what was in store for him all too well.

   "They are going to drag you down with them.  You know it as well as I do, I can see it in your eyes.  They are going to get in over their heads, and you will die trying to save them.  You will do it because you will think that you owe it to them.  You will do it because you will think you can save them and they will learn of their mistakes.  But you will fail... and when you do, you will lose everything.  Don't make the same mistakes that I did.  It's not too late yet, you can still save yourself." 

   The man just ignored me.  He sat there, staring at the fire as if I have never spoken a word.  Here I was, trying to save his life because I thought he had potential, and this is how he treats me?  I grew angry and reached forward, moving to pull the hood back from his face and get a good look at the man who would probably be dead within the week if he kept along his path.

   And then I saw his face. 

   As I pulled the hood back, he looked over at me slowly.  His cold glare locked with mine, identical deep green eyes staring at each other in matching rage.  I stood and took a few steps back, then he stood as well and we faced each other.  As I looked across from me, I saw myself.  Not someone who reminded me of myself, I saw MYSELF.   He had on my old Dyka Vasany armor.  He had the rapier that I used to hold, his hand resting gently on the hilt as if ready for a fight.  I sensed a presence behind me and turned, now face to face with the Owl. 

"Just let him go, Fox.  It's up to him now to decide if he likes living or not."

   The world grew dim and fell apart around me.  I opened my eyes to reveal the dark room where I had fallen asleep.  It had all been a dream...but still.... things had changed.  I realized now why I follow Dumas.  Why I watch him.  He reminds me of myself, hells, I was him about six months ago.  It is almost unbelievable how far I have come.  I have become more like Owl than I could have ever thought possible.  I watch his every move when I get the chance, and through time I have started to pick up on the subtle things he does.  Learning from a living legend has its benefits...and maybe if we can survive all of this - maybe if I could just have more time to follow in his steps - I can become something of a legend too.  Perhaps one day years from now people will look at me as I look at him.  Maybe with time and practice, I can hone my skill as sharp.  There is that small hope that it is possible, and that is all I need.

  ...Or maybe I am further along than I give myself credit for.   The last week, for example...I wrote the report...delivered it to the Owl.  He was pleased with it, told me he was proud.  I'm really not Valkan anymore, am I?  I am finally becoming the Fox that he saw in me, all that time ago.  This is why he saved my life.  I feel a great deal of pride when I say the name.  Countless hours crawling through the dirt, intertwining in shadow.  Endless blade-work and combat with Lucadia and Sabel.   Gathering information through stealth and cunning with Ferret.  Through the trials I have passed, I have become something else entirely.  I am the Fox, and I could not see myself as anything else after all I've been though.


   I walked out of the inn, feeling the warmth of the light.  I looked over, and saw Dumas sitting by the extinguished fire.  He wore his own face this time, no longer the grim doppelganger of my past.  I approached him and simply told him "Your friends are not going to learn, you know.  You still have time to save yourself."  He acted as if I was bothering him.  Acted as if I did not know what I was talking about, and asked what business of mine it was.  Yes...just like Valkan indeed.  "Just think about it, yeah?" was my reply, and I left him with his thoughts.  There would be time for you later, my little friend.  Maybe if we all survive the end of this world, I can save you like the Owl saved me.  Maybe.  First we will have to see if you enjoy living or not.  You make your own luck in this land, let's see what you do with it.  For now, the Fox has more important matters to attend to.

Legion XXI

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #35 on: October 05, 2012, 11:21:08 AM »
  I ran into Dragos down in the Drain yesterday.  I was on my way to the Foxhole, and there he was... just sitting at the table.  I was somewhat surprised to see him there, but as long as he does not set foot into my side room, we will have no problems.  



   And then he started speaking.



   I have never...in all my days in this land... EVER.... heard such a completely ill-planned and downright suicidal plan.  I should just write up a request to join the Dyka Vasany and tell him to sign at the bottom, they would have welcomed him with open arms!  Behold, the mighty witch-spawn Caliban!  Arch-mage of the third circle!  Who heroically plans to-   You know what?  I'm not even going to write it down.  When the Kargat come and ask where he is, I'm just going to tell them to follow the trail of horrible ideas and blood.  That should put them on the right path.  The only reason I did not walk out of the room as soon as he started speaking is out of the respect that I held for the Owl and his choices.    He saw some potential in him, and that still holds weight with me.  But the Owl is gone now, he has made his choice.  Now the Ferret is doing the same old work with some very new and impressive friends, and I'm doing what I do best.


   So much progress has been made, my mind feels entirely worn out at times.  I am more like him every day, yet different.  I no longer want to be exactly what he was.  End the end he gave up everything....and for what?  For her?  I refuse to believe that.   I will endure.  I will use the skills in the path he set me on.  I will make something greater of myself.  And as for Dragos?  Hells....he will either succeed, or that problem will take care of itself.  I wished him luck, but his ideas are just damn crazy.  There is no way he is coming back alive, and anyone he drags there with him is going to share in his fate.  A shame...he seemed quite talented at times.  If only that University doctor had replaced his head instead of clipping his wings...



As a final note - I have done some business with the Red Vardo lately.  I was pleasantly surprised....it's good to see them going in an upward direction for the first time in a long time.  They might actually gain back some respect around here at this rate.
« Last Edit: October 05, 2012, 11:23:48 AM by Legion XXI »

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #36 on: November 13, 2012, 01:38:27 AM »
  Getting away from the Drain for a while has been nice.  I no longer have to worry about people wandering into my room or trying to overhear my conversations.  I almost forgot how enjoyable the fresh air was.  Still, I'll keep accepting reports from my eyes and ears down there.  It will be useful to know when the current group of extreme individuals gets replaced with a new one.  I suppose it's only a matter of time, even sooner if Hoth steps on one of the caltrops they like littering about the area.

   But enough about the rabble, there is intelligent work to be done.  Sarkath and I came across some rotting animals today.  This would normally be nothing of note, but these animals had strange properties about them and were still very much alive.  We made some observations and spoke to a few others.  We have enough information now to make a few theories about what is going on and why.  I have also started compiling a file on "Subject 01" for study.  It will help us to understand any changes that take place due to experimentation.  If all goes according to plan, they will all be improvements.  Due to his own personal importance and usefulness to our Guild, we must ensure that we are successful.  His strength only adds to our strength.

   Ashin has also proven himself unstable.  When he showed us evidence of his little incident, we forced him to leave.  We refuse to be associated with any who demonstrate such a small amount of self-control and forethought.  I can personally think of at least five ways he could have avoided the whole thing and still furthered his research, but it was no use.  He did not even understand what we were upset at him for, despite us explaining it multiple times.  His methods needlessly endanger himself and others.  The projects he chooses to involve himself in are extremely strange and unorthodox, and provide little in the way of reward or gained knowledge.  He also has a tendency to wander off and do strange things without telling anyone, then poorly cover his tracks.  We are keeping an eye on him for improvement, but after having been forced to witness him actually shed tears upon leaving I can only recall images of Dragos.  Aurore.  Whatever he wishes to be called.  I want nothing to do with either of them, they attract attention to themselves like flies to a carcass.

   Then there is Sarkath.  It is with no small amount of amusement that I note that the entity I feel most relaxed around is a snake.  Or that I have more in common with a cold-blooded reptile's way of thinking than that of my own human or elf allies.  At first I was suspicious, I would be a fool to have not kept a hand near my blade hilt. The only reason I even conversed with him a few months ago is because I know full well that nobody looking to get information out of me would think a plan so extreme would succeed.  Not to mention, a talking serpent is by no means the strangest thing I have seen in this land.  In the end, it became clear that we are more like-minded than I had first thought and I have come to enjoy working with him.  Our skills combined are exactly what we need for the things we are to be doing, and the knowledge he has acquired through his previous travels remains extremely valuable.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #37 on: November 19, 2012, 05:20:44 PM »





   Despite the exhaustion, I was unable to find sleep for most of last night.  Some of it was what we saw.  Most of it was what I consider to be a dangerous personal failure on my part.  I am supposed to set the example.  I am supposed to help mold the ones that come after me.  How can I accept such a task if I exhibit anything less than absolute perfection in my own work?  I was once shown how Zachary's paranoia crippled his own progress.  I was told to do better and avoid his mistakes.  I thought I understood, but I didn't until last night.  I wanted to destroy the link, dispel the mark.  I thought it would provide safety.  I wanted to ignore the whispers and refuse to take part in the game they played instead of turning it for my own advantage.  It was my own fear of failure that caused me to hesitate.  My fear of being defeated by that which I do not fully understand caused me to hold back and miss my opportunity to seize the reward. 

   Sarkath's mind was strong.  His focus was absolute.  Why did I not think of the rat?  Such a simple solution, yet all I could focus on was the human across from me.  I knew he was not a threat, yet I could not look away from him because I knew he was hearing the whispers as well.  Have I learned nothing?  I know I am better than this.  I will not fail myself in the future.  I have learned from this.   When the time comes to continue down the path and claim the reward, I will be ready.  I must remember why I am taking part in all of this.  We followed the trail for a reason.  I can not become predictable in paranoia or self-preservation.  I will not be a slave to the instincts that they use to control us.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #38 on: December 09, 2012, 10:31:21 PM »
[A detailed drawing of a shadowy man covers the page.  His hand reaches forward, as if to grab something.  His blade is drawn back, ready to strike at an unseen foe.  On the next page, the same drawing is replicated with careful detail, yet it is facing the opposite direction.]



    What is a man's greatest fear?  Is it an enemy that can not be defeated?  Powers far beyond himself that can not be reasoned or bargained with?  Is it time, the ever eroding hand of death that presses in on us all?  Or is a man's deepest fear himself?  He would not realize it, but it would be there.  A whisper in his ear, holding him back.  An enemy to match every step, a mind to contest every thought.  "You are not strong enough alone."  To defeat him, a piece of yourself must be given.  There is no victory without a defeat.  No purchase without a currency.  You can not add something unless you first remove something else to make room.

    This time I was lucky.   This is why I put pressure on the others.  Shed that which weighs you down, or it will drown you.  They will take you into the darkness and fill your lungs with smoke.  Your so called friends will forget you in but a few fleeting moments, and this world will bury you with the others in a great pit of souls.


   I wonder if they could have done the same.  Though, I was not given much of a choice.  I saw the blade and old training took control.  I had armed myself before I even knew what I was doing.  Time slowed to a crawl as we clashed blades, our fates intertwined for a brief moment.

Sparks fly in all directions as the magical blades lock and separate.  Both men step back in perfect synchronization and the air charges with energy.  One rushes forward, blade moving forward for the kill.  The other deviates from his role, and smashes a small round object against the charging man.  They both wither, one worse than the other.  A price is paid.  The fight concludes and mist surrounds them both.  One living, one dead.  Or perhaps they have both died.  Perhaps neither of them were ever alive to begin with. Two shadows in one grave.



  "We play no games...."

   "You seek to see, to hear, and to know...but this requires sacrifice"

   "We can give anything you choose, you need but ask"



   In the end, I gained something I already possessed.  Though perhaps this is the lesson of it all.  In thought of the conflict, I have gained much more.   I now realize that I was right to speak to the others the way I did.

   Fane referred to me as a "Nameless and faceless shadow."   Maybe he is right.  Though that is hardly all that I have given up to become what I am today.  Some things willingly, some things stolen.  In the end it matters little, they are gone and I remain.

Morgan Amas - His foolishness brought his end.  He impales himself upon his own blooded blade.
Nikkolaz Maccon - A whisper within a shadow, gone into the night.
Taliya - She never understood.  She did not belong in the world we brought her into.  One of confusion and darkness.  It swallowed her whole.
Severo - His own ambition exceeded his capability.  He should never have showed his face as openly as he did.
Sywyen - Control is a difficult thing.  Some men should never be gifted power.
Elo'Dreth - One of the wiser among us, yet he walked with fools.  He was above what he was dragged into.  Perhaps he saw it in the end.
Dragos - One life shed, another one born.  Was it worth it in the end?  Do you still hear the memories?
The Captain and the Lieutenant - I tried to help them, but they are slow to action as they are to thought.  The latter lives, yet he walks a twisted path leading nowhere.  His tracks lead in circles.
The Jester - He wanted to fool them all, and in the end he succeeded too well.  His passing was hardly noticed.  Nobody searched for him.  Even his Captain abandoned him.  He died alone, and I watched.
The Wolf and the Blue - Neither of them were ready.  They went their own ways.  Both devoured by separate means.  Neither remain.
Zachary - A hero's death.  But what does that mean, to one who is not a hero?  You knew the rules of the game.  You can't ignore them and expect to walk away.  Why didn't you follow your own advice?  Surely you knew it could not have ended any other way.  You knew they would not be able to resist the temptation to save us all.  To save themselves.  In the end, was a difference even made?  Do they even take time to remember your name?


   And so I am left to wonder.   When so much has been taken, what remains?   When I cut parts of myself away, piece by piece, what do I call that which is left behind?  A shadow - maybe.  A man - hardly.  If only you could see the world the way I see it.  If only you could hear their words the way I hear them.  If only you knew your friends as I knew mine.


I could free you of your burden.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #39 on: December 16, 2012, 11:04:12 PM »
  I did not sleep.  I lay there all night, clutching my pack and its contents to my chest.  I slowed my breathing, calmed myself.  I wanted him to think I was asleep, but I was watching.  I saw the look in his eyes when sacrifice was asked of us.  I saw the cold claws of fear wrapping themselves around his throat.  I recalled my own fear upon the Raven and Owl telling me to remove my tongue.  Perhaps this is the real reason I was not hesitant to take his place this time.  It was a small way of trying to prove to myself that I am not that man any more.  I could have easily forced him to remove his own finger, though what would that have show of my leadership?  No, this was the only way.  I could not help but he cautious of him, after that.  He had seen so much, so soon.  How could I have known the spirits would approach me again so quickly?  I had assumed our deal to be complete.  He will pay the price, though he does not know it yet.  You do not simply see something like that and walk away unchanged.  Even after all I have seen, and felt, and heard.  Even after all I have done, I am ever changed by their hand.  It is impossible not to be.  It would be like them to play on this fear.  I will continue to watch him.  I will ensure his loyalty, that he does not repeat the mistakes of my own past.


   At first, I wanted to understand.  Why all of the games?  Why the shadows and trickery?  It was not long until I realized the truth.  The only hand that can truly bring change is the unseen one.  Forced and aggressive change has its place, but its effects are fleeting.  To ensure that the change you wish to happen endures, you have to make the people believe they want it.  You have to convince them to do it themselves, as if it was their own idea.  They will fight to protect this change, as it is held close to them in this way.  It is something they can own and be a part of.  This is why the spirits and shadows play the games.  We are not following their orders, they are making subtle suggestions.  And we are all to happy to play along.  It is who we are.  They know us better than we know ourselves, because they are honest in a way.  They do not hold the illusions of ourselves the way we do.  They see us for what we truly are.  They take pleasure not in the ends, but in the means.  They want to see how far you will go.  They want to know how much it means to you.  And they are watching.  Always watching.  Every move is calculated, every asset accounted for.   Sarkath was right about one thing above all else.  When you follow your own nature flawlessly, you play into their hands.  This is why I perfect myself.  This is why I strive to overcome the base desires of my nature.  I want a fighting chance, rather than to mindlessly carry out my orders.  I want to negotiate.  No wise man works for free, and it seems they expect no different.

   So why me?  Others would do the same work for less.  For free.  Simply for the enjoyment of it all.  Perhaps this is the reason?  There is no reward in commanding that which can not make decisions of its own.  This game is more interesting.  A trade, both sides trying to gain.  The choice of honesty or deception.  I am not foolish enough to think I can outsmart them, though I would at least wish to understand to a small degree.  I would like to be aware of my actions, so that I may learn.  For who else in these lands would make a better teacher?  The finest arts can be learned from them.  I can study, adapt the methods, employ them where I may.  The cold reality of what I have observed is that they are not that different than I in the way certain ends are achieved.  Have I not done the same thing in the past?  With all the voices in their whispered chorus, one can only wonder if perhaps this is the fate that befalls those who pass their tests.  Perhaps at the end of your time, you join them.  Then what happens to the unworthy?


  I have more to write.  So much more, yet I should sleep.  He is not here now.  I can hide and rest without worry.  I feel as if other eyes are upon me now.  The shadow guard of the Ruler.  The ones who I saw twist darkness itself, and steal a hin away into the night so long ago.  I feel that if I betray any hint of my reward, they will drag me away and I will have to answer for what I have done today.   I can only hope that the Ruler will be true to his word, and forgive me a single trespass.  If anything, it will delay a public capture.  It will buy me time.


   Time to find the one I freed.  Time that can be used to make another deal.  Bring forth another sacrifice if needed.  And it will be needed, it always is.  After all, no wise man works for free.  Nameless and faceless - It is the only way one can truly understand things.  It is the only way to dispel the illusion of the world and those who walk it.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #40 on: January 03, 2013, 04:04:33 AM »
 "A Fox in a cage..."

   I can't sleep tonight.  I spent a long time pretending, but every time I closed my eyes I was back behind the bars.  Powerless, no hope of escape.

"I know about you...but this log is dated"

   I knew, even before he said that.  I was not dealing with the rabble I have become so accustomed to.

"Coward.  That is the first thing noted under your name.  Coward."

   I was not going to argue with the man.  He was right, I used to be a coward.  I remember how I used to sell out others to save my own life.  I remember how easy it was for me to betray the trust that was given to me.

"Lapdog to the Owl.  Employee of the Old Bird.  Outlander.  Faerun."

   This was getting out of hand fast.  Who were they?  The accent was familiar, it was burned into my mind after that first encounter with the Raven.  Why had I not seen them coming?  It has been so long since I have had anyone sneak up on me.  And now, I was entirely at their mercy because I became comfortable in my ways.  I was forced to accept the reality that I was beaten.  That for the first time in a long time, I felt nothing but failure.  Tasted the bitter poison of defeat at the hands of those more powerful than me.  Memories flashed before my eyes as my mind raced, trying to analyze the situation.

Quote
"Have you no loyalty, domn Vakan?  If you can nu discipline yourself ..... you leave it to me?" - Raven
-
"Valkan...I was going to wait for you, but I have waited long enough...jo?  I figured by now you would have gone the way of Morgan." - Old Bird
-
"Expected to die?  Valkan, I expect to die every day, and that began long before I entered these lands." - Owl



   How could I have forgotten the lessons that made me who I am today?  Why is it that when I am finally given a chance, I can not remain calm enough to think things through properly?  The snake is right, being insolent was clearly not the way to go about it.  I knew better, yet I did it anyways.  I was afraid, I knew I could not give them what they wanted.  I could have put them on the trail, yes, but at what cost?   I was not thinking properly.  I wanted more time, but there they stood, waiting.

"The Owl.  The Ferret.  The Raven."

   It has been so long since I have heard those names used.  I tried to keep speaking.  Work something out.  When you deal with men who have everything, what do you bargain with?  The reality is that I had nothing to offer but what they wanted.  I had no alternate suggestions, and they knew it.  That was the purpose of it all.  All I was doing was making it worse.  These are not the kind of men you play games with.  I should have considered my words more carefully.  I spoke simply for the sake of keeping them talking, but it got me nowhere.  I was swiftly reminded what it meant to be involved in organized operations.  They had left no room for failure.

   As for the rest of what happened, it does not matter now.  I have been dragged into yet another web.  Things are quickly getting out of control.  It's always choices.  Every day, choices.  While others live out their carefree lives of adventure and nights in taverns, I am forced to deal with the spiders who weave their silken traps.  I did not ask for this, I did not seek them out.  Yet they find me, they always find me.  Every time I think I have learned the rules of a game, a new one is presented.  I feel that every option placed before me is wrong, no matter what choice I take I will fail.  I have not felt so beaten since the Raven ordered me to cut my own tongue out.  As I lay here in my haven beneath the sands, I feel the same thing.  The same burning sickness of defeat.  How many times must I vow to do better next time?  How many failures must I suffer before I awaken to a victory?  How many nights will I spend tangled in the webs of my own choices?  

   It's time for a change.  I have suffered in my defeat long enough.  Tonight, I remember what it means to have been given the name Fox.  I am a professional, and I will conduct business as a professional.  There is a reason my name has reached so far.  There is a reason I was given yet another choice, instead of the death I tempted so carelessly.  Tonight I focus myself anew.  I remind myself of who I am, and what that means.  Tomorrow I begin my work, and I know exactly where I am going to start.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2013, 04:07:11 AM by Legion XXI »

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #41 on: January 14, 2013, 01:35:08 PM »
   Valkan awoke, but did not move.  He just lay on the bed, looking up at the ceiling.  With each breath he took, he could feel the sting of the air in his sore lungs.  He had seen torture before....he had methods of extracting information himself...but that?  He could not recall a time in his life when he had been in more pain.  To be withered away to the very core.  To be mentally ravaged and drained of all that you are, then feel your body break and crumble while you are trapped inside, powerless to halt it.  If he did not still feel the pain, he would have thought it to be a dream.  But it was no dream.  He had made a mistake, and he knew it may yet cost him everything. 

   He forced himself up and walked tentatively into the main room, looking around the inside of the warehouse slowly.  He took it all in.  Everything he had worked for, all he had hoped to accomplish...was here.  And yet, all he can now see is the memory of the man standing over him.  "This is your fault.  It was not essential." But in truth, he know the blame was equally his.  He knew that withholding information had a price, yet he insisted.  Why?  Why all the trouble?  Why not turn him over, like you did the others?  There had to be a line.  There had to be a point that he refused to cross.  For a man who has brought so much ruin on those who would trust him and remain loyal to him throughout it all...even he had his limits.  If he were to give the man what he wanted, he would have finally made a full circle.  Finally brought harm to every last person who trusted him, one by one.  But where to go from here?  Did it even matter?  He could barely move, let alone fight.

   He made his way back to his bed, falling into sleep yet again.  While the day dragged on, he dreamed.  He dreamed of the sky turning black, great thunderclouds forming above him.  He saw the sky open up and rain pour down, lightning striking anyone foolish enough to be caught out in the fury.  There were a group of travelers riding on the road.  One by one, they all fell to the great storm.  He watched as they tried to escape to higher ground, but each path they tried was worse than the one before.  Slowly the water rose above them, and they sunk into the icy depths of the flood without a sound, forever forgotten to those who lived on.

   When he finally awoke that night, the pain had started to wear from his lungs and his muscles.  He cleaned himself and put on the black suit that had been given to him for the occasion.  As he dressed himself and laced his boots up, his features remained the familiar neutral that he had become accustomed to keeping.  Though something was different now.  As he finished preparing himself, he stood staring into the mirror for a long time.  No words, no movement, just the cold unrelenting gaze of the man across from him.  A raging intensity burned just behind his eyes, as if lying in wait.  He stood tall, his breathing slow and rhythmic.  He recalled months ago, Lucadia had found him staring at his reflection in a polished blade.  He had asked him what he saw.  At the time, he did not quite grasp the weight of the question.  Maybe he still didn't.  One thing was for certain, though.  The man in the blade and the man in this mirror were not the same person.  They did not even know each other in passing.  No, this man was something else entirely.  He could see it.  Feel it.  He understood now what it would take.  On one hand, he despised what he had become.  The Fox.  The name only reminded him of all it had taken to get here.  All it still took to maintain.  The sacrifices, the blood, the pain.  On the other hand, he saw what it had given him.  He knew that without it, he would be nothing.  He would have died long ago.

   Valkan grabbed the flintlock off the table and tucked it into the back of his belt, out of sight.  He made a few final adjustments to his jacket and ducked outside, blending into the crowd effortlessly on the busy streets of Port-a-Lucine. 

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #42 on: January 24, 2013, 03:57:23 PM »
-Leadership
     Many types, many methods, but what does it all mean?  What is the common idea?  Leadership is the clever balance of control.  Resting your hands around someone's neck, but making them think you are holding their hand.  You want it to be tight enough that they understand you could kill them if they resist, but loose enough that you do not let the fear paralyze creativity or accidentally kill them if you become upset and tighten your grip.  The key is to leave yourself a bit of room to tighten the pressure, show them they have made a mistake, but not kill them.  That would be a needless waste of assets, and good workers are always in short supply.  They can learn their lesson, and you loosen the grip as they do so.  You want them thinking freely, but freely in the direction your influence pushes them.



    It's always something, though.  All these people, yet so few of them understand.  They ask me questions.  Oh, so many questions.
"Are you happy?"
"Do you enjoy what you do?"
"Do you have a woman of your own?"


Oh how they are endless.  Talks of things as fleeting and meaningless as FUN.  Perhaps I have missed something in my upbringing. Perhaps while I watched those around me starving in the streets, literally KILLING for an evening meal, I failed to learn that I should take pause every day to observe how much I had to be HAPPY  for.  Maybe instead of fighting for my own survival, I should have tried to ENJOY  myself.  Even now, when I am in a position to relax, to enjoy, I don't.  That is not what this is about.  It never has been, and I don't intend to take the commoner's road now.  It's about more than that, but they refuse to understand.

  I swear on the luckiest coin in Tymora's pocket that I'm going to impale the next person who asks me about my tongue.  The shadowed man wants it taken from my mouth.  We will see about that, my oldest friend.  We will see.  The others watch me warily, questioning me on my habits as if it had ANY BEARING on the life or death of those around me.  I am under control.  I could stop it if I wanted to.  Why should I?  It is just a habit born of a stressful situation, no need to worry.  It could be worse.  People should not focus so much on small trifles, it causes my blood to warm.  Lucadia has damned claws for hands, but no, everyone wants to know why Valkan's tongue leaves his mouth seemingly OF ITS OWN DAMN ACCORD.  No matter, no matter.  There is nothing wrong with me, I will catch up on sleep and everything will return to normal.  No more burning the midnight oil, tonight I will rest up and everything can calm. 


  But what about those I see when I close my eyes?  I see Lavinia and her two shadows hunting for a ghost, but that is the least of my worries.  What of the ones who would press a knife to my tongue for old disagreements long past?  What of those who would destabilize the structure of my plans?

  Unacceptable.  Unacceptable.

   I do not enjoy being deceived.  I wonder, how long did she think it would be before I found out?  How long did she think she could keep up the facade?  I bet she is laughing to herself even now, clever woman.  What are we going to do with you, hm?  What are we going to do?  Diplomacy, of course.  No need to do anything extreme just yet.  I wonder, does she think she is saving people from harm by doing this?  Surely she understands that she is just putting them more in harm's way.  Surely she knows that if things had gone as planned, nobody would have been hurt, only deceived.  Only made to look like a fool in private, nobody would have even known.  But she has changed it now, and whatever happens is on her.  Time to worry about that later.  For now, I will repair the damage done.



   And lest I forget, there is Mr Reed.  My blessing and curse.  Greatest asset, and biggest liability.  I know the words are true, he is the harbinger of ruin upon all the work I have done.  Everything I accomplished will be burned by those who would hunt him down.  But is it even a crime if I could not have done it without him in the first place?  I feel a certain responsibility to the man, and I will see us through this.  I do not abandon my friends so easily.  Not him.  That is where the line was drawn, and I will not move it.  It is one of the few values that I have not been forced to give up while at the tip of a sword.  So far.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring, I'm sure someone out there would see the last piece of decency ripped from my grasp.  Here's to hoping it takes them a long time to find me.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #43 on: January 31, 2013, 04:37:19 PM »
   It is truly a strange situation I have found myself in.  The most recent few weeks past have been challenging, devastating,  and rewarding in equal measure.  There are times when I wanted to give up.  Times when I was tired of being forced to do things that normally go against my personal code.   I meant what I said, Lucadia.  I regret what I was forced to do.  I don't like to play games with a man's mind who has put his full trust and loyalty into me.   I'll do it, but I get no joy from it.  There is no honor in what I did.  No satisfaction. 


   But then I ask myself...was my hand truly forced?   Was that really the only way?  I could have taken another road, I know.  But to do that would mean to sacrifice some of my own reward.  Put myself in danger rather than him.  I could not do that, not after all I have done to get myself this far.  I trusted in my own skill to extract him from the horrible situation I put him in.  I trusted that I would be able to put together the pieces after I caused him to break while pretending to help him.  A trust that, in the end, has payed off.  I was successful this time.  Everything went as I hoped.  Better than I could have hoped, even, but lessons were learned.  I still remember the Raven and the Owl trying to stress to me the importance of having a strong word.  Of being someone who could be trusted.  So I reconsider things now.  I ask a lot of those who work with me, it is only fair that I begin returning the favor.  I am going to help Lavinia get her locket back.   I am going to ensure that Lucadia is safe.  I am going to make sure that Reed gets his new life, and the past does not find him unprotected.  I owe that much to them.


    This, of course, is not without complications.  Spineless is the word Bevel used.  Spineless.  I only found it so insulting because I knew he was right.   All my life, I have  played second to someone else.  First Nikolaz and Scurvy, when I first arrived here.  Sorril.  Silivasi.   Drukker.   Always taking orders, always nodding my head and just doing what I was told.   It is not as if I did not try to think on my own.  It is not as if I did not make my own insights.  They were always just better informed, better connected.  By the time I found out about something, they were already acting on it.  That is all the difference, in this game.  And now, I am in a position where I need to become something else.  I put on my new uniform, stare into my mirror at the silver and black, run my hand over the coat of arms on the brooch.  I hold the cloak up, taking note of the three subtle letters stitched into it before I place it over my shoulders.  B.T.C.   Here I am, after all this time.  Here I am, being asked to play on a stage a thousand times more complicated than all the ones before.  And it is not just my life I gamble with now, for there are those that are willing to follow me.  To do whatever I need them to do.   I am suddenly being asked to make choices not only for my own survival, but my elevation as a businessman.  I am now squarely in the affairs of those who I would never have thought myself to even have the honor of speaking to. 


And the truth of it is...        I was afraid.    Afraid of failure.  Afraid of the punishment if I were to speak out of turn, say the wrong thing, insult him in some way because I was not well enough learned of his culture.   I have gotten along so far by letting my actions speak for me.  Despite how pathetic I have been in my dealings with him, when he tells me to get something done I do it.  I do it well.  That is undeniable.  It is the other half of the game that I must sharpen.  The time between jobs.  The politics of it all.   When Sorril asked me, those many months ago, what I wanted from all of this....I wanted to become more.  So much has changed, but that remains true.  Even now, I must not be content with myself.  I will continue to climb, if only to stop myself from falling to my death. 


"You should endeavor to know everything"


   So now, I set aside my fear.  It is time I acted like the man I have become.  No more clinging to the shadows, afraid of what people will see if I face them.  If I make a mistake, I would rather it be while I was facing it like a man.  Not hiding in the shadows, paralyzed with the reminders of my past failures.  I must have confidence in what I have accomplished.  Confidence that I will accomplish more.


Sometimes it seems like the only person I cannot to prove my worth to is myself.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #44 on: January 31, 2013, 09:24:14 PM »
   At last, things are coming together.  I spoke with a man of the Theatre today, pitching an idea that Terrell had come up with.  It could not have gone better, he was very receptive to what we had for him.  It does trouble me a small bit that Lavinia seems to think he is digging for information as if we would not notice, but he won't find anything.  We have nothing to hide here, everything I am doing out of this location is entirely legitimate.  

   I am truly fortunate to have two associate such as Lavinia and Terrell.  They are everything I could have possibly hoped for.

   Lavinia is showing a skill set that is of great interest to me.  Not only is she good in the field and all that would entail, but she is smart.  I tell her something once, she understands.  I correct her on something, she won't make the mistake again.  She is a fast learner, and is showing a great motivation to progress further and further.  She also functions wonderfully in a social setting, something that most people in her line of work fail to grasp.  Hells, something that I failed to grasp when I was in her position not long ago.  The way she helped the negotiation go through was brilliant.  I told her to improvise, to come up with something on her own within the guidelines I set, and she did.  She followed orders while still showing creativity within the parameters of the command.  She's going to be a useful asset, I will ensure she is taken care of appropriately.

   Then there is Terrell.  I am offered some product by an operative.... "No." he says.  "I can get you three of those, easily." he says.  Alright, I give him his chance and I go to sleep.  By the time I wake up and prepare myself for the new day, the man has seven of the damned things!  Seven!   He even has additional goods to go with them, and presented to me the very idea that I pitched to my new associate in the Theatre.  When I give Terrell a job, he does not just complete it.  No, that would be too simple for his talent.  He completes the job, does it faster than any of my other agents could have done it, and then he goes an extra step and shares a wealth of knowledge on everything related to the current situation.  Advice, numbers, people, goods, history.....the man knows it all.  His knowledge and skills are an irreplaceable asset for me.  Truly he is the most skilled agent in the Core, and I am lucky enough to have him work with me.  He is helping train Lavinia in his spare time, I find myself wondering if he even sleeps at all.  I see the truth in his eyes, though.  The weight of his past constantly hangs on his shoulders.  I know what his concerns are.  I understand the risks that he brings to us all simply by being here, but what can I do?  My hands are tied in this situation, and I can only hope that the one who would see him undone finds himself a new plaything to amuse himself with.

 "If something belongs to you, you should not let anyone take it for any reason"  

Well, he works for me now Enrico.  I suppose time will tell who has the strongest grip.

 I don't intend to back down this time.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #45 on: March 04, 2013, 10:57:20 PM »
   It's funny how the times change.  How quickly those you once felt lucky to be around now bring nothing but ashes in their wake.  The paranoia.  The strange icy clawing of an old familiar fear.  I thought I had risen above it.  I suppose one never truly forgets his scars, only hides them under the new skin.   Hours, days, weeks - all spent crawling in the dirt, sliding with the shadows.  A whisper here and there.  A hand always on the hilt of a blade.  Always ready to take lives rather than endanger my own.  Is this what I've become?  No, it's what I always was.  I just now gained the courage to look into the mirror and see.  I forced myself to stop doing it.  Took the mirror out of my room.  I would stand there, having no idea how much time has passed.  I would stare at the serpent looking back at me.  Note the tongue's subtle darts.  I would force my eyes shut to break the moment, but I could still feel it moving.  I would snap my eyes open with the irrational fear that he was going to reach from his cage and put a blade through my neck the moment I took my eyes away from him.

   Valkan.  This Fox that has been placed on my shoulders so long ago by a man I knew so little about.  I understand him more now that he is gone.  I understand him because in no small way, I've become him.  I tried everything I could to avoid it.  I saw what bound him, I spoke with the snake about what caused his fall.  I swore that I would not let the same become of me.  I spoke of the man like he was the one making mistakes, while I unknowingly followed in his path.  Each life I signed away, each blade that found blood because of me - I did it because I felt I had do.  I did it to prove to myself that I would not follow his path, falling because I could not allow those loyal to me to die.  That's the problem though.  People like him would risk everything for the unworthy.  Those who can not help but find their way back into trouble.  I'm starting to think I found a few of those myself.

   I can no longer do it.  I refuse to spend my days with my eyes on my own men.  I should be able to trust Rilfore and Widow, but I know I never will.  Just like Volterri, they can't be left alone.  I tried to help them.  They won't listen.  They think themselves clever, meeting while I am known to be away.  Do they truly think I would not be so thorough as to include others in the game?  Do they think themselves so skilled in stealth that nobody can see them?  I almost feel bad for them, in a way.  Perhaps I did not make it clear enough that they were the lowest ranking of anyone I worked with.  That despite what small success they have had, despite the rewards I give them, at the end of the day they are expendable if they can not follow orders and think at the same time.  By such blatant disregard of my commands, I can only come to the conclusion that they take me for some kind of amateur.  That they place their own ideas and needs above mine.  Above the organization.  I see they way their gaze lingers upon one another.  Doubly so when they think me not to be present.  They waste good potential on petty things, fumbling about for meaning or worth to their lives.  I know what I used to do while the Owl was away.  I have been them before.   The difference is that I made something of it.  To this day I still learn from my mistakes, I am not so arrogant to believe I am flawless in my execution. 


   I know what I have to do, though.  I'ts a shame, really.  I seem to have brought in the wrong people.  I'll admit, half of why I even wanted the Widow was because of the others interested in her.  Simple asset denial, because they were poking into my affairs.  In the end, I should have let them have her.  She'd have brought Rilfore in, and the two of them would have been someone else's problem.  If the Old Bird thought I was an amateur, I can only imagine how he would treat the two of them.  I've been forgiving, really.  If I'd have acted as rebelliously as they do, Silivasi and Sorrill would have simply executed me.  Hells, I was ordered to cut my own tongue out for being tricked into speaking a name I was told not to speak.  I do not understand this sense of entitlement that they have.  It is as if they are offended I even approach them with rules or corrections to their behaviors.  People like this are worth nothing to me.  I'd take two good men over ten average ones.  Thankfully, I have people like Jaguar and Ghost.  People like my other more personal agents that I never speak of.  People that understand the way of things.  People that don't question my orders, but are not afraid to offer council when it is needed.  What I would give to find a few more of those.  Seems the Vardo is renewing efforts to snatch up all the people who show a hint of promise.  That's the problem, really.  I feel rushed to take on promising members before full evaluations are complete.  Other groups get to them first if I don't.  I've reviewed the way I do things.  I've improved on the process as a result.

   The next group of recruits are going to ascend to places this failed one never could have reached.  I'll see to that personally.  I'll break them into nothing if I have to, but when the product is complete, they will fit my template.  I don't take blame for what they became, that was a result of their actions.  I do, however, see where more appropriate motivation could have been given.  I may make mistakes, but one thing I do not do is make them twice.  I expect the same of those I take under my care.  All I expect is that they do their damn jobs.  At the end of the day, they are my employees, not my friends.  It amazes me how people will throw away good work and security in life for something as trivial as love and friendship.  Those are the first two things that are destroyed when you put someone's life up for renegotiation.  It's not the bond people make it out to be.  I have tested it many times in the past.  All with the same result.  Everyone has a price.

   I told myself I would stop thinking about it after this entry.  Eyes on the next mission, Fox.  It's the only thing that brings me any sense of purpose any more.  It's the one thing that I've always had, and will always have until I meet my end.  It's why I wake every day. 

   I never really appreciated what I had until I was stripped of everything else.  I should have done the same for them.  Maybe then they would have understood.  My anger has been replaced mostly with a cold resignation.  I will seek them out and debrief them.  Perhaps they will find their own place in the game.   I know of places where the two of them would fit nicely, but some things need to be learned instead of told.  That's something I owe to the ones who came before me.  They were all wise in their own unique ways, and I have the utmost respect for them.  I almost feel a bit of sorrow that I had to watch them all die over this last year.  I would enjoy having their company these days.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #46 on: March 13, 2013, 03:58:45 PM »
   It's been a long time since I've spoken to another person like that.  Talked freely, let down my guard.  Told him things that could be used against me.  But it's more than that - I showed him who I really was.  The side of myself that nobody else can ever see, for fear that they would recoil in their inability to understand what I am.  Why I am.  I tried to explain why I had done what I have done.  Why I made the trades I did.  Why I sold myself in the end.

   Even as I was giving my excuses, I could hear how hollow they sounded.  I could feel the emptiness in my words.  It was not so much a lie, as it was the realization that I have skewed the truth so far in my own eyes that I no longer understand what is real.  Having to face myself like that was painful.  I've stood face to face with a mirror image of myself before.  I was told to kill, and I killed.  I cut him down just like the common thief he was.  I didn't feel a thing, either.  But when I'm asked to look inside my own mind? When I am forced to stare into the soul of all that I've done, and all that I've become, and I'm told to explain it?  It scared me more than any physical danger I've ever faced.

   Back home we tricked ourselves.  We would say we killed, lied, and stole because we had to.  There was no other way, we would complain.  It's not that we enjoy the suffering we inflict, we just do it to survive.  It's the way of the world.  After a while people would stop asking.  After a while we stopped asking ourselves.  It's a hardening of the mind, a type of sleep your conscience slips into so that you can commit horrible acts in the name of survival, and it's all fine.  You want to stop thinking about it, so you tell yourself that you are just growing up.  You tell yourself that you have no feelings, no emotions.  You just have the next job, and that's all that matters.

   In a way, that's the least important thing we had to do.  All along, I had options.  We all did.  We chose not to see them.  Selling yourself is easier, you don't have to make your own choices.  Freedom is nice to the ears but the horrid truth of it is that not many people can bear true freedom's weight.  So we settle for a half-freedom.  We allow certain people to tell us what to do, and as long as we pick who those people are we can consider ourselves free men.  I was afraid, nobody can fault that.  I was lost, I was alone, and I wanted to ensure my survival.  But it was more than that.  I wanted to survive and become something greater.  I wanted to be the one people went to for their false freedoms.  I wanted to climb and climb until there was nothing left to do but jump from the top and enjoy the fall.  It's a strange mentality that men can so easily slip into.  The excuses come forth with little effort, and nobody asks twice because they know better.  But it's not an existence of freedom.  It's only easy because freedom is responsibility, and responsibility is scary in itself.

   I see the way people look at me now.  People that once held me as friends are wary of me.  They know what kind of blood is on my hands.  They know I have a price, and somebody or something has purchased it.  The ask me why my habit persists.  I feel myself get angry and defensive, but the truth of it is that I'm afraid of what they will think.   They ask me what I do now for work.  I deflect their questions with a practiced tongue, but in the end they know their questions were not answered.   In the end they know not to ask again.  People joke with me, small verbal jabs with hints of truth within.  Testing the waters.  They want me to confirm that if their name came up, I would not follow it through.  The truth is, I can think whatever I want.  Until someone puts the blade in my hand and whispers the name, I don't really know what I'll do.  I like to think my loyalties are stronger than that, but if it was a choice between my life and theirs? I Just don't know anymore.

   But oh how we talked.  I was directed to lay down on the sand.  Stare up at the unfamiliar night sky, into the face of what I used to be.  I had memories long suppressed brought back.  Things I've spent a lifetime trying to forget, now laying on the sand beside me like blood pooling around me from a deep wound.  Perhaps that would really be the end of me.  Perhaps that night it would simply be too much to face, and the last bit of humanity within me would crumble away leaving nothing but a ghostly shell of a man who would never face the truth of his deeds.  Or perhaps it would be the top run of a new ladder.  I am tired of climbing.  Perhaps it's time to jump in the name of someone else's ambitions other than my own.  Having interacted with some of the greatest heroes of this land, I can only think of one man fully deserving of that kind of sacrifice.  He looked me in the eyes, and he told me if I never saw him again, it would be because he is home.  I laughed to hide how much that statement unnerved me, but I could see it in his eyes.  He was telling the truth.  He's done playing the game.  He's a man who has walked both paths, felt the heat of the desert and the ice of the mountains.  He knows what it is like to give life and take it.  Having tasted all of the sweet and the bitter, all that this world has to offer, he told me what he found most satisfying.  He explained to me why he rises every morning.  Why after all the sorrow and pain, why after all the rage and fear, he presses on.  Hearing him describe it was something I had only ever experienced one other time.  A man with convictions so strong and beliefs so unshakable that he would look the dark gods of this world in the eyes and say he has found their world unsuited to his tastes.  He would take a step back from their twisting game and start one of his own, by his own chaotic rules.  He would offer up a challenge, stop him if you can, but it is easier to give a man like him what he wants than it is to stomp him out.   Even if they were to strike him down, they would be losing an impressive piece to their game.  They don't want that, but he may yet force their hand one way or another.  It's an inspiring sight to see someone so dedicated to a cause.  So pure to a belief that he can set his compass skyward and not falter from the path ahead of him.  This is not courage born of ignorance like the holy warriors from countless temples.  This is true heroism, and this man is the best and worst of us all.

   At first I was upset, the way he made me doubt all I've done.  Why would he do that to me at a time like this?  I felt the knives of his words sliding into my skin.  Though instead of turning them away I allowed the blood to flow, soaking my clothes and my soul.  Invading all that I thought I was.  I knew he was right.  I knew that if I were to hide the truth away again after it had been so freshly unearthed, I would be lost to it's touch.  My mind was screaming for me to turn him away.  To stand up and tell him he is crazy.  To turn my back on this man who was no longer the friend I had found so long ago.  But he was not doing this for himself.  He has nothing to gain by breaking me down in this way.  No, he was doing this for me.  And to hear his words and see how fully he had committed himself to this one belief, this one idea -  something changed in that moment.  In that time I saw everything that I had been.  I was standing at a great crossroads.  It was no easy choice, as both roads lead to a pit of unknowable darkness.  See, that's the nature of this land.  You don't take the high road.  What's right is never clear.  It's a thin line that few ever stumble across or care to take note of.  And here I was, staring the path in the face.  Too afraid to take the first step.  He told me where he would be, but didn't ask me to come find him.  He knew it was going to be my choice, and in the end would likely not change his own path all that much.  I let him walk away while I remained sitting on the sand.  I could hardly make myself move as the dawn came.  It was a daze, I found myself in a dream.  I fell asleep in the Rest House, never more uncertain what tomorrow would hold.

   Having had considerable time to ponder the words that he said, things feel different today.   I'm unsure if it's better or worse, more orderly or further in turmoil, but it's different.  It's freedom.  Now all that's left is for me to decide what I want to do with it.  To stop following the paths set before me by others and make my next action my own, whatever it may be.  If I don't see you again, my friend, don't forget me.  Who knows, maybe his Julie will sing songs about us both.  My old friends back home will hear my name, and know that I became something other than a orphan Westar who would kill for his place in the world.  Maybe it will inspire them too, make them reach for something greater than themselves.  That would be a cause worth dying for.  That would make it all worthwhile.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #47 on: March 15, 2013, 04:09:41 AM »
   Tonight, I don't sleep.  I tried.  I lay in my bed.  Minutes turn to hours.  The light is creeping up with the dawn.  Still, sleep will not embrace me.  I saw the look in his eyes as I stabbed him.  The wound was not meant to be lethal.  No, it was far worse.  I stabbed his very soul.  I ripped myself away from him.  My friend, my oldest living friend in this land, and I stabbed him.  Why?  He tried to help me.  I told him to take his damned reward and go home.  Back to Faerun.  Back to Julie and his family.  Why didn't you do it?  Why did you have to stay?  I can hear the cold ice of the voices still, telling me he is selfish.  Telling me he is in this for himself.  I know that's not true.  I hope it isn't.  


   No, Terrell Reed is still in this land for the simple reason that he could not take what was rightfully his.  He is here because he came back to save a man who can not be saved.  I'm sorry, my friend.  I really am.  If I could have forced you to go, I would have.  I would have sent you away, made you return to your home.  I would have stayed and taken the deal, whatever becomes of it.  I would have faced it myself, alone.  Risen far above in this pitiful existence of a world.  You had a moment of weakness, and it cost you in the end.  It's going to cost you everything in the end.

   But no.  You refused to leave me behind.  You are loyal.  You are a better man than I, and I can hardly stand to look you in the face now.  I will never be like you.  I was born into this life, and I will die holding onto it.  I don't have a choice, like you do.  I don't have two paths to walk.  I just have one.  One that I will be forced to walk for all my days until it finally reaches an end.  An end I will have to face alone, knowing there was no other way.

Alone.  All to myself, after all who are friends to me have been turned away.  Turned away because I do not want them to see what I'm becoming.  What I've already become.   I'm sorry, Zachary.  I'm sorry.  If a day comes where you must strike me down, I will understand why.  We can't both continue to exist in this world.  For both of our sake, I hope you find your way home.  Rest your eyes, my friend.  You were always better than this world.  That is why you don't understand the game of it all.  You are too idealistic to play the game now.  You nearly damned us both in trying.  I hope you save them, I really do.  I hope you save everyone and leave me here to my own games.  I hope you go home, and I never cross your mind again.  I will remain here.  Take what has been promised to me.  I will not hold back any longer.


   One thing became clear.  The curse was lifted, for just a moment.  I could feel the power fade away.  Feel myself free again.  In that moment, I knew I could never live that way.  The voices told me of my failure.  Of my suffering.  I was afraid.  How could I face something like that alone?  No, I needed to secure my place here.  I refused to die a pauper.  Not after all I've done in the name of ascension.  I can't let it be a waste now.  I am committed to the path.  My greatest wish is that it does not cross with yours.  I do not know if I could live with myself if I had to draw steel on you again.  I may have stabbed you, but I felt a piece of myself die in that instant as well.  For all your mistakes, for all your hesitation to claim what is yours....I still know I betrayed a friend tonight.  It is a feeling that I will never forget.  It is burned into my mind.  Burned onto the insides of my eyes.  I will never escape the shadow I cast over my soul tonight.  I will never tone out the accusing whispers that linger in my mind as I drift off to sleep.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #48 on: March 19, 2013, 02:49:18 AM »
  An interesting past few days.

   Ardmor has proven most entertaining.  I expected him to be wary of us, but his version of the fable was rather impressive.  A clever tool to ensure that we all work as a team.  It was unnecessary, but he had no way of knowing that.  I applaud his caution, I would have done the same thing in his position.  We gave him was a simple tale.  It had to be, so nothing got confused.  We gave him the facts, now it's up to him to make it a production.  Make it into art.  Make it a story worth telling.  Make it come to life, if you will.

   Aside from that, I knew it was only a matter of time until the white hunter's master found me.  It watches from the sky, the rooftops, the shadows.  So peculiar, so specific.  A bird of prey so fearsome that I watched a man who has faced his death with open arms run from it.  I saw a serpent dream about it.  Nightmares.  The claws, he would say.  The claws.

   Well, that serpent is gone now, and two more rise up in his place.  I thought the Noble had intended to take from me, as is common in cities as busy and crowded as this.  But no, he gave me something.   I know where to go, now I just have to wait for them to see I've arrived.  I'll hear what they want.  I already know, but I'll hear them say it anyways.  I just hope it does not drag me in as it did the one who walked this path before me.  He told me how they do business, and I can't say it made a desirable picture.  I'll tread lightly and hope it turns out better than expected.

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Re: A Crumpled Notebook - (Notes and Thoughts of Valkan)
« Reply #49 on: April 01, 2013, 02:01:48 PM »
"Impressive....a Vardo boss on her knees"


   Valkan rested his head against the wall of the Caravan, trying to relax.  Trying to decide what his next step was.  He had taken a slight joy in recalling the day's events.  A small sense of accomplishment.  He should have taken her gem.  It would have disgraced her, surely.  But no, her blade would do just fine.  A type of trophy, in a strange way.


"How Borcan of you.  Loot a lady before you kill her."


   He remembered the ice in her tone, the look of cold resignation on her face as he held the flintlock to her head and pulled back the hammer.  Florence.  She was either prepared to die, or didn't think he would go through with it.  He would have, too.  He had no idea who he was dealing with, she looked just as rank and file as the others at first glance.  He was wounded and nearly trembling as the adrenaline rushed through his veins.  He knew he did not have long before help arrived, and he planned to be gone before her body hit the ground.  But no, she was something else entirely.  Above the Captain.  The Vardo that had ambushed him in his warehouse was from Krezk....  That explains the higher level of training, the better gear.  Valkan had not been ready to defend himself and was wounded in the process of killing his attacker.  He'd never been struck with a Vardo blade before, it was a unique kind of pain.  His thoughts wandered back to Vasco, twirling his humming sword.  That high pitched whine it made as he slowly walked around the table.  But that was another time, another place.  A past life, long buried.  He shifted in his seat, trying to focus on the task at hand.

   Something Montarri lost long ago...   He had been told that he would rather not know what it was. That was fine with him, he just knew that things had become rather personal now.  Krezk had made a move on him, and his escaping it had given him a temporary advantage.  He had the element of surprise in that they would have expected his piece to have been taken off the board at this point.


"In a strange twist of fate, it is said that both Silivasi and Nightlyre are both buried on this same level."

   He could not help but wonder what would become of himself at the end of his days.  Would he too be buried in some tomb?  Would his soul share a resting place with the legends of the Core?  Perhaps he would simply be lost to the mists, never to be remembered by anyone.  It's not something he thought of often, but in this rare moment of quiet he allowed his mind to wander. 

  Most importantly, he was alive now.  It was time to make things happen while he had the chance, and there was plenty of work to be done.  As the Caravan pulled into the mist camp, Valkan gathered his things and quietly stepped off.  He was somewhat thankful not to see the Captain or Lieutenant there, even though they were not aware of what had just happened.  Still, the two made him uneasy, and he was looking forward to sleeping without a hand on his blade for a night.