Author Topic: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner  (Read 4945 times)

madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #25 on: September 22, 2012, 05:39:42 PM »
I was wrong, So very wrong I can not be that person.  The madness in my head is just to much now.  I sat with Tabitha she wants to know why Sedrik  effects me as he does.  I told her it is guilt... and it is but that's not all it is. 

I ran into Inari, she called me sister.  I know she does not care about me i wonder why she still calls me that.  She said Tabitha and I should visit  Port more, I simply said yea and walked away.

Emelle has been very talkative.  She has told me many times she is my family, that she was wrong to suggest others. 

We are twins after all and all we need is each other.

madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #26 on: November 16, 2012, 04:50:08 PM »
A baby... we are having a baby.  This thought above all others has sobered my thoughts, calmed the madness. Or at least it did till the other night.

I met up with Tabitha at Midway Haven.  I was happy to see her.  We talked for a few moments then we decided that a soak in the heated bath would be nice so we headed to the upper house.  Once we were seated in the bath, I asked Tabitha what she had been up to since I had seen her a few days earlier in Port.  When she said what she had been up to... My stomach soured and I felt a rage crawl across my brain.

What in the nine hells was she thinking! Gods still even now sitting here i can not help but feel rage penning these words.

I know she did it to help save the forest we call home, And to help the others that went with her to see where the sickness had come from.  But for gods sake a BLOOD GOD.  She said it demanded she pray to it or lose her companions.... that it wanted our child as a SACRIFICE. 

I did not scream or yell.  I did my best to stay calm.  I am just not sure how much more i can take.

madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #27 on: November 18, 2012, 04:48:28 AM »
She is going to hate me.

I sit here watching her sleep, and the hate i feel for myself only grows.  This rage is eating at me.  She said I am enough and i almost screamed at her.  I know that is not true, she must know deep down it is not true.  She said i say things that make her feel guilty, like my knowing i was not there when she needed me is not a guilt i will carry on my soul forever.  Even if I had been there i would have just died.  Some damn protector i am.  How am i going to keep her and the baby safe if i can not keep myself safe.  She will be alright, she is a strong person.  She is more then capable to care for herself and the baby. 
So tonight, I will write her a letter and pray to any gods that will listen that she can forgive me for what i am about to do.

Emelle I just don't see another answer. 

madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #28 on: November 19, 2012, 10:54:51 PM »
The job is not helping me clear my mind.  Now i am watching over others and always I am thinking about Tabitha. 

 Emelle will not stop yelling at me about leaving.  Emelle says Tabitha will never forgive me... that i am stupid for heading off on the job when i did.  She is right. 
 Tabitha can call on elementals. She can change her shape at will.  Her druid faith gives her so much blessings, So much strength.  Then there is me, weak and utterly without faith.  That is why I thought i would take this job.  Get out and practice my training and goddess willing gain strength and wisdom.  I know Tabi will see it as Emelle does, that i abandon her, but that is far from what I mean to do.


madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #29 on: December 03, 2012, 12:58:41 AM »
Emelle,  I did what you wanted.  I came back to Vallaki, Came back to Tabitha.  I think she was less then happy to see me.  She stood there and watched me.  You were right she said i had abandoned her. 

Waking up on the floor of the church in the Village and Seeing Sedrik was oddly calming.  It was like all the madness in my head left me, and for the first time in a long time my thoughts were clear.  He stood there for a moment then asked if i was alright, when i said i was he moved over and hugged me.  How is it that Sedrik seems to always know when i am in trouble?  The Priestess i was traveling with seemed confused by his embracing me. I told her he was my ex husband.  We traveled back to Vallaki the three of us.  It was odd before being brought back that night i had been so angry, every time I saw Sedrik my thoughts would race and before i knew what to do I was so irate i could not stand myself.  Yes Emelle I know what you think and i am now sure you are right about it. 

Tabitha and i sat down and talked.  We talked for a long time and about a lot.  She said she is happy that we were so honest with each other.  She deserves to have happiness, especially now.  No more troubles and being upset.

Speaking of troubles, there is many looming on the outside.  I know Tabi wants to be involved, I told her it was fine with me if she fought for her friends.  Even though it made me sick to say so.   

Now on top of everything else... I learn from Tabi our home, Degannwy has been attacked.  What part of the nine hells is this place.
 

madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #30 on: January 05, 2013, 03:38:56 PM »
Emelle.. what you said to me last night rings true in my ears.  It is time for me to stop being timid and stand up for what i want. 


Tabitha and I ran into Sedrik in port and then again in Vallaki.  Tabitha and i were in the Lady's when Sedrik asked to speak with her privately.  I told her she should go and they left to go upstairs.   I sat down at a table and began to read my book on Port.  After a while they came down and acted very oddly. I asked what they talked about and they said that it was best Tabitha told me later.  The answer made me upset, like i was not able to be trusted.  After some proding by me they finally relented and told me what they talked about how they missed the friendship they had before I came along and ruined it.  It was a enlightening moment for me.  Tabitha then stated she was tired and asked me to join her for a few moments upstairs, I followed, leaving Sedrik sitting at the table.  Once in the room Tabitha told me more of what they said and told me that she felt i was hiding something because i always act "ancy" when Sedrik is near.  She said she told Sedrik that i still think about him, that I still value his opinion.  I was un-pleased.  Finally I just let it out, I told her that yes i think about him, and that if she wanted I would go and find him and tell him so.  Hindsight ... I wonder if i am being played.  I walked down the stairs and up to Sedrik, and I ... *the writing suddenly stops*



madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #31 on: January 10, 2013, 03:03:49 PM »
*the pages of the journal now stained a soft pink*

It has taken days for the pages to dry from all that wine.  Lesson learned about having a drink while trying to write. 

Emelle what you have said the last few days has sunk in and finally made since to me.  I must change.  Must become more like you had been.  I changed my armor again, more like ours had been.  Time to stretch wings, to get out there and live.  No more sad Chali hiding away. 

madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #32 on: January 17, 2013, 08:18:48 PM »
Tabitha gave me her journal to read.  A few of the entries surprised me, and some not so much.   My thoughts were confirmed that she thinks i am crazy for talking to you Emelle. 
She also talked about Sedrik and my feelings for him.  Not even going to deal with that.  Sedrik is my friend that is all i have to say, Yes Emelle i know how you feel about it.  But all that matters is how i feel right now and for the first time in a long time i feel better.

Last night the madness finally came spilling out of my head,  Sadly it was Tabitha and Sedrik that caught the bad end of that.  That and the fact i freaked Tabitha out by burning pages from my journal.  It was the only way I could think to try and clear my thoughts.  It was then i confessed about the dagger accident.  They both looked at me like i was crazy.  But i talked to them both and i think we are all fine. 
Time will tell if Tabitha and I are strong enough to weather this change in me.  Sedrik and I are on the same page with things.

madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #33 on: January 29, 2013, 03:37:12 PM »
My thoughts are now divided between them, though i feel no guilt now.  I finally have what i have want. 

No more secrets. No more lies.  I now have the ability to be myself and not worry.  She asked me if i wanted him in my bed, why i don't know, she knew the answer already.  I am attracted to him, always have been.  Which is silly considering the pain i felt at his hands.  Past is the past right? 

So much has happened in coming to Port.  In this room.  Too much for me to process, him in my bed with me.  Her watching.  I stopped him before we started asking him if he really wanted this.  He flashed me that grin and said he did.  I looked back at her, the fear i felt melted away as she smiled softly and nodded. 

Things seemed tense the next time we were all together.  He asked to see my sketches.  Including the nude i had done of him.  I showed him, as he looked at it Tabitha looked over his shoulder.  I wonder what she thought at that moment.  Was she hurt, was she upset i had asked him to pose nude for me.  They kept whispering to each other, And goddess help me i was losing my mind, I kept thinking that there was secrets.  He lead her off to the bathroom, I waited a few moments, then yelled that they could come out as i left shutting the door behind me.  Then Tabitha came running up behind me, what the hell was she doing?  Then he came down behind her, And again they started to whisper.  I left again telling Tabitha to let it be.  I went to stand and look out over the water. 

He came up and touched my shoulder.  Asked if i wanted to go have a drink.  We went to a cafe.  He and I talked about things, his concerns.  I simply told him that i am unwilling to give up what i have now.  I will not give him up, he is important.  I told him why i left. That it was all the whispering that upset me.  He explained what was going on.

I hear Emelle... warning me that my heart might grow cold walking this path. 

madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #34 on: January 30, 2013, 04:40:20 PM »
I told Tabitha about my fear.  She smiled softly and touched my cheek telling me have nothing to fear, that my heart will never be cold.  She always makes me feel stronger, loved.  Things change so fast the only constant in my life is her.  I know my behavior is hard on her.  This last month i am sure came close to her walking away from me.  I did not tell her but it scared me to think i would not have her love any more. 

I try to show her how i feel, try to make her feel my love.  Hopefully she sees and feels it.



madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #35 on: February 02, 2013, 10:42:10 PM »
Tears... It bothered me to see tears.

 Snapping words, apologies and hugging. 

I must remind myself to never drink that stuff.

madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #36 on: February 14, 2013, 03:48:27 PM »
Emelle, I feel like i am not prepared for then effects the pregnancy.  Her emotions run all over.  One moment she is fine with things the next moment she is not.  I never know how she is going to be.   I will have to try harder to be understanding and compassionate.

madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #37 on: February 23, 2013, 03:10:40 AM »
I thought everything was going well. Tabitha and I were doing so well.  Then tonight I get hit with how Aurore decided to pass on her judgement about me.  She tells Tabitha that if i loved her like i should that i would not ask to have him too.  She knows nothing about me.  She thinks it is all sex.  Stupid.   I have never been so mad at someone as i was at that moment Tabitha told me.  Tabitha tells me to calm down and not be upset but how can i not.  Aurore tells Tabitha she wants what her  and I have.  I think she wants to have Tabitha so she is trying to poison her mind with this.


madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #38 on: February 27, 2013, 04:28:10 AM »
Emelle has been quiet, so strangely quiet.  It worries me.  I don't want to be alone.

Tabitha and I have hopefully gotten over our recent troubles. Last nights talk worried me a little but at the end she said she was okay and seemed better.  I can hope that things will go back to normal for us now and she can focus her energies on the pregnancy and preparing for the baby.

At least now i am not confused about why i am drawn to him.  I accept the truth about it.

madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #39 on: March 01, 2013, 03:09:12 PM »
Well now i have done it.

Emelle is gone. Tabitha is upset. Sedrik... I walked off.

Maybe i am that "angry" woman.

Maybe that last fight with Emelle and those last words are coming true.
"you'll get what you deserve Chali."

madness comes

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #40 on: March 04, 2013, 11:18:16 PM »
Importance.

Why did he have to use that word like that.  Why that word. 

Tabitha said she is no longer worried about our relationship.  She said she feels like everything is okay now. 
I talked to her about things, Reminded her that things between her and I should not be like things between Me and Sedrik.
I have not ever been the overly affectionate type, that was always much more her thing.  She agreed.