You have been taken by the Mists

Author Topic: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner  (Read 4951 times)

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Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« on: March 08, 2012, 07:06:53 PM »



 Eme is still missing.  I fear she is lost to this place.  I feel as if half my soul is gone.  I saw her in my dream, saying to me that the search can stop that she won't be found. I have not slept much since.  
 
« Last Edit: April 13, 2012, 11:03:13 AM by madness comes »

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Benthur
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2012, 09:14:34 PM »
I have been spending my time with Tabitha.  I want so to see her happy, to see life and light in her eyes instead of the sadness i find there far to often.   I try hard to make her happy, however every time i feel like i am succeeding she sees Inari.  What is it about that woman that draws Tabitha in so.  Goddess help me I don't know what to do anymore. 

Inari came to me speaking of rebuilding our friendship.  I am leery, but because of my promise to Tabitha i will give Inari the chance. 

I met a man the other night Taka, he knows of my goddess and did not insult me over a misconception of her.  He made my heart feel joy, His small acknowledgement of my Goddess renewed the faith that was dwindling in my heart.

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Benthur
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2012, 09:38:35 PM »
I traveled back to Vallaki last night. I ran into Tabitha leaving the Village, just seeing her makes me happy.  I told her about the dream.. about how i don't sleep.  She told me not to think of it and that i should look for Emelle.  I know in my heart she is wrong..i feel and hear Emelle near me all the time now.  We ran into Inari on the road.  Of course the Tabitha thought it best we all travel together.  We fought many things on the way back, I was hurt but not badly and by the time we reached the lady's rest I was feeling so... well I was confused by my feelings that i only wanted to sit in a room alone and try and think things through.  Tabitha asked if I wanted her to rest as well or if i wanted to be alone, I felt so guilty telling her i wanted to be alone.  Perhaps that's what lead to my weakness.. to my falling pray to the man with the icy blue eyes.  He was upstairs talking to Kia as i entered the hallway.  He seemed to take interest in me... rather in my bleeding right away.  He told me he was a doctor that he wished to care for the cut on my left palm that was bleeding.  Why did i follow him into that room?  Once inside he set to the task of cleaning and caring for the wound.  Then as he pulled a razor out to cut the thread of the stitches...

*the writing abruptly stops *

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Benthur
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2012, 09:37:04 PM »
I dreamt of his eyes... those blue eyes and the sensation of his mouth on my neck.  I am bothered by the dream.  I tried to talk to micheal about this but, I could not finish before a man approached telling Micheal he was needed.  All i wanted was to talk to someone... anyone i could see as a friend. I got upset and snapped at Micheal it was unfair of me to do so.   I see now the error of my thinking.  I was wrong to assume that Micheal saw me as a friend.  I know Emelle there was a reason you teased calling me invisible and unimportant to anyone but you.  Tabitha says i am important to her, and goddess I want to believe that is true.

I went with the Warden on a mission to the Lich tower.  I am not sure why we were there really but i still feel the need to be of service to the warden, she make me feel useful.  I do not think i was of to much help on the mission however.  The mission was tough and gave me time to think through some of my thoughts.  I know now the path set before me.  I know i need to focus on my weakness and how to over come it.  I need to become the person Tabitha deserves.

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Benthur
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2012, 11:52:02 PM »
The night we spent at Midway was wonderful, I have not felt so peaceful in all the time i have been here.  But sadly peaceful feelings never stay long in this land.
Tabitha said she had a surprise for me in Port.  So we traveled east... in the mist camp we ran into Inari.  She looked upset and of course Tabitha stopped to see to her.  I know she is important to Tabitha, but i can not feel hurt that everything seemed to be put on hold as she focused on Inari.  When we arrived in Port Tabitha suggested that we head for the open cafe to get Inari something to eat.  I excused myself and left them to go there.  Instead i went and got Tabitha and I a room.  And here i sit... waiting.

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Benthur
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2012, 12:38:55 AM »




Tabitha's surprise was wonderful!  She said she wants to spend her life with me.  Roses and flowers everywhere it was beautiful.  I felt very special in that moment, She looked nervous as if she worried i would say no.  I told her I wanted the same thing. Happiness over whelmed me and i almost could not find my words.  SHe means everything to me now.  She is the reason i seek to be strong and confident.  I slept peacefully last night, for the first time in months.


« Last Edit: March 19, 2012, 12:51:25 AM by madness comes »

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Benthur
« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2012, 04:49:03 AM »
My happiness in Port did not last... the peaceful feeling left.  We were in the room in the governor's hotel when there was a knock at the door.  I was dumb and opened it without being cautious.  Two men burst past me.  They were upset yelling about food and how the wealthy are staving the commoners.  I was stunned when Tabitha stepped towards the men trying to talk to them and show them she is helping them Inari stood there protectively near Tabitha.  I am dis-custed at myself for not being like Inari.  There was a knock at the door Tabitha had the two men hide in our bathroom.   The second knock at the door was a guard.  I wish i had never let him in the room.  Inari acted funny the moment the guard walked in.  As the moments moved on Inari became more upset and then she turned and started yelling at the guard.  I could not understand what was being said.  The man did not seem to act as a guard should,  Suddenly Tabitha got up and walked over locking the door and pulling her sword.  I did not know what to think.   I moved closer to her, as i did the man turned and placed the end of his rapier at Tabitha's throat.  He slashed her throat.  I have never felt such rage as i did at that  moment when i saw her blood spilling to the floor.  As she fell to the floor Inari attacked the man and missed him... His back was turned to me i grabbed my sword and I stabbed him in the back pushing until i heard the hilt hit bone.  I killed him.... Oh Goddess help me i killed him.

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Benthur
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2012, 04:26:00 AM »
Family... The thing i wanted the most is the thing i realize i will never have.  Tabitha said we are all family but i know i will never be.  I will never have the bond that her and Inari do.  Emelle where are you.. I need you so much now.  You were the only family i had and i miss you so.  I finally said something to Inari... not that anything i say matters.  Inari said to me that i was the better person.  I am not. It was Inari that saved Tabitha in Port.  It was Inari that knew what to get her to help with the pain.  It is Inari that has that bond with Tabitha.  Maybe in the end it was stupid of me to even think that i could be friends or family with her, stupid to ever hope that she and i could find common ground. 

Tabitha was upset... I was upset and i told her how i was feeling.  She thought i was going to leave her... her the only thing i have in this dark place that makes me feel alive at all.  We were upstairs in the hallway of the lady's .. she asked me to say out loud that she was mine. I did.  My heart told me that she is mine now and forever... my mind cried out that i am being stupid again.  Perhaps it is my place to be here when Tabitha needs me, my place to be pushed aside when she finds strength and happiness.

Tomorrow I will head to Port,  I have received a letter saying that there is information about Emelle there.  Goddess please let it be good news.

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Benthur
« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2012, 03:27:00 PM »
So much time as passed, so many events i could not put into words.  My anger tonight though keeps me from even attempting to sleep.  I sat here for the longest time watching Tabitha sleep so peacefully.  Tonight was supposed to be a happy night... a night for new family to enjoy their new bonds.  It was not.  At least not for me.  and of course i ruined it with Inari again.  Emelle you told me in the dream Inari was my reward that she was the one i could stand by that would fill the void left with your death.  Then why is it so hard. 

Sedrik... I have lost him now too. He did not even care just asked for his ring back.  Told Tabitha he gave his blessing.  Am i really that unimportant?

Emelle, I need your strength.  I feel like i am standing on the edge of the abyss.  Tabitha is the only one that holds me keeping me from falling in.  Everyday the lights get brighter and i lose a little more...

*the end of the page seems to have been torn out leaving only a ragged edge*

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Benthur
« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2012, 10:20:50 PM »
Inari ... She is treating me with such care now.  She is worried about me... well not so much me as my feelings towards the wedding.  She keeps asking me if i really want it, if i am sure i am ready for it. On our walk back to Vallaki Inari stopped me on the bridge over the falls, she once again asked if i wanted the wedding, she made me promise i wanted nothing else.  I gave my promise, and it was the truth.  I know i love Tabitha, know i want to spend my life with her.  My doubts are of my own self, and no matter how hard i try i can not shake them.  How does Inari see into me so well?   

Inari planned a special picnic for just the three of us.  She said it was for our family.  For the first time I felt like the sadness was gone, that i had my family again.

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Benthur
« Reply #10 on: April 09, 2012, 02:28:12 PM »
Everything is falling apart so quickly, Especially me.  My family broken and splintered because of my weakness.  Inari is gone I have not seen her for days.  Tabitha is been quiet i know the loss has hurt her.  I am to blame for all of this.  I went to Inari that night and asked about Kala.  I know that Tabitha does not understand why that woman's lack of honor bothers me so.  I wanted our bond to be made by a honorable person, what kind of bond would it be if the one that joins us is without honor.  Inari brought it up because she knew i wouldn't, she knows i would fold and do what Tabitha wants just to make her happy.  I tried to fix what i have destroyed. It is not working.  Tabitha still sees what happened as Inari trying to hurt her... trying to ruin our wedding day.  She was not, she was just trying to help me.  I had talked to Inari because she is family and i knew she would be honest with me, if it was my fear talking she would have plainly told me that.  I have broken their bonds to each other and now i know i will pay the price for that.  Goddess forgive me I am so stupid and now i have ruined the only family i have left.  Damn me and my weakness.

Sedrik has been around more again, we have been talking and he has been kind enough to take me out  for some hunts.  I have to be honest with myself and admit that i miss him.  It sounds crazy and maybe i am insane but part of me still cares deeply for him.  I am drawn to him.  I have spent a lot of time with him these last two days.  My mind is in chaos now.  I thought all these feelings were dealt with and gone.  I was wrong.  Then last night as we stood in the room he said something to me that made me think ... that i do not feel complete alone.  He is right about that.  Then he said if you are not complete on your own, finding someone will not complete you, only make the combined couple incomplete.  He is right about that to, what kind of person am i if i allow Tabitha to bond herself to a weak and broken person.


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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Benthur
« Reply #11 on: April 11, 2012, 05:16:03 PM »
What should be a happy time... is not.  I have lost my family.  Emelle is dead, Inari has decided others can better help her then me, and Tabitha ... She and I spend more and more time in silence.   Tabitha came to me saying Inari asked for help from others, Family does not mean what it used too.   Tabitha is also disturbed that i am speaking with Sedrik.  That i can not help but put stalk in his words.  She thinks he is just waiting to prey on my weakness.   She says he just wants to tear me down,  I don't think that is what he is doing. Sedrik has always been honest with me.  

 But I will not fight this anymore, I am going to do what i must to make happy those around me.  I am unsure what else to do.  

My dreams get ever darker.  I feel the abyss more.  Every time that Tabitha or Inari say how i am strong... how honorable i am.  It makes me sick.  Tabitha tells me that i must be perfect, that i can not falter.  That if i did, it would cause a rift that could not be healed.  She says my honor would keep me from faltering.  What is the hells am i supposed to say to that?  
« Last Edit: April 11, 2012, 10:00:41 PM by madness comes »

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #12 on: April 13, 2012, 11:58:28 AM »
I am tired of all this chaos, tired of pretending.  I am everything i hate.  Tabitha still insists that I stop talking with Sedrik.  Still saying that he is only trying to harm me.  " You have to choose Chali.  Let go of your past and embrace your future" those words are like a knife in my heart.  I wish sometimes i had never returned to this place.  The pain in my heart now is much worse then the emptiness i felt before.  I am not as stupid as everyone seems to think I am about Sedrik.  The letter i wrote Inari in my moment of weakness seems to have been a mistake.  She told Tabitha, I guess I should have thought she would.  I know what i said was the truth, I have failed them.  Failed everyone.

Maybe that is what draws me to Sedrik... Knowing that I can not fail him because he expects nothing from me.

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #13 on: May 08, 2012, 03:03:03 AM »
So much has changed, Tabitha and I are married for near a month.  The ceremony was beautiful and quite surprising.  Tabitha was beautiful in that gold dress.  Everyone seemed so happy that night.   Inari and Tabitha stopped talking for a while but Tabitha says they have worked things out.  I hope for their sakes that is the truth, they will need each other. 

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #14 on: May 18, 2012, 03:29:01 AM »
I sit alone in the book store, this seems to be the only place i feel at home now.  The smell of the books, the comfort of their words.  Though the silence here lets my mind wander and I begin to see my future falling apart.  I miss Emelle so much these days.  The dreams gone, no longer do I get to talk to here there.  Inari's gone, I know she is busy with more important matters but i miss talking to her.  She seemed always to understand me.

My moments with Tabitha are happy.  I feel complete when she is close.  She is busy, trying to repair her relations with the kinship.  I do hope she can return i know it means a lot to her.  She says that if she returns she would like me to go with her and be part of it too... Inari said she thinks that's a good place for me, but i can not help but wonder how am i supposed to want to be a part of a group that has hurt those i care about so.
« Last Edit: May 18, 2012, 12:36:58 PM by madness comes »

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #15 on: May 27, 2012, 02:36:12 AM »
I think i am loosing my mind... I sat down to talk with Inari today, and all i did was hurt her with my words.  Inari told me of the happiness she finds being part of Rose's family and all I did was gave her harsh words.  I know that I was wrong to say those things out loud.  Inari says i an pulling away, hiding in all my books.  Shes right I am.  I know her and Tabitha have been getting together to adventure, that Tabitha has been spending time with friends and i am glad she has been with people that care.  But like i told Inari, I know what my dreams show me.  The three of us together standing before the mirror then Inari and Tabitha being pulled into the mirror by their reflections, me being left alone and dying.  Perhaps i was meant to die with Emelle.  The dream is consent now.  The dream will come true. 
 
I also talked to Inari about my fear that Tabitha will soon want to have a family.  I saw the look in her eyes when we ran into Miss Teresa and her baby the other night in Port.  Tabitha had me hold the baby, I have never known a more heart wrenching fear as i did then.  There is no way i can be someones parent.  Inari said i have to talk with Tabitha about my fear.  But how can i deny Tabitha something that she wants, something that means so much to her.

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #16 on: May 30, 2012, 01:25:16 AM »
Family... that is a cursed word.  I  just walked away from Tabitha after a fight, but i can not stand there and listen to how I am the bad one... how mean I am because i will not lie to Inari and pretend everything is fine.  Inari was asking us if we would help her, Like either of us would refuse to help her.  I would always stand with my family.  Then the conversation turned to how Inari wants to be in Port because that woman wants to move back there.  I about screamed right then.  That woman is taking from me the only family i have in this place.  Emelle how i wish I had protected you more... at least then I would have you.

So now i am alone in this bookstore.  I hope Inari is there for Tabitha.  The future is not as clear as it used to be.

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #17 on: May 30, 2012, 02:16:29 PM »
They made fun of me.  They stood there and told me how silly i am for believing my dreams.  I felt my heart stop at that moment.  These are the two people i am supposed to be family with.  Inari pulled out a mirror and my heart sank, Tabitha picked it up and held it.  They teased me and made it very clear that they do not believe me.  All i could think about was wanting to run away like i did the night Sedrik said he loved me but that i was not what he wanted.  I would never have treated them as they did me.  They walked me back to the inn, my heart hurt so much... I told then they should talk They have so much together why should my pain be in the way.  After all as they both told me i am the only problem here, I am the one hurting them.

I came back down after a while to leave only to find Inari sitting there alone.  I was surprised she was there, I really did think she and Tabitha would have gone somewhere to talk.  Inari told me that Tabitha went off to start her day, i know that's not the truth.  I can see Tabitha's pain.  Inari said i am a idiot for thinking she should believe me about the dream.  That i am going to loose her and Tabitha out of my own stupidity.  She asked me to remember her dream and what heartache it caused.  I do remember her dreams and what happened.  But our dreams are simply not the same, her's told her to hunt people down, Mine warn of the loss of the only "family" i ... have. 

Emelle... Maybe if they had met you, they would understand why i am so... Broken.   If they only knew how things really were for us.  We were literally all each other ever had.  Tabitha scolded me about Inari having only had a good childhood for twelve years with her mother.  TWELVE YEARS!.
We never knew our mother and father, Not even a name.  You were always stronger, how could you die here and leave me alone.




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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #18 on: June 02, 2012, 10:36:42 PM »
The dreams still come, but now i know to keep them secret.  I will write them here and tell no one of them again just as i have told no one of the visits Emelle has made.  Tabitha, I love her so much... and i will do what i have to to make her happy.  Inari,  I just have to accept things are as they are and wait to see who is right, This also means i have to accept the woman... Rose.  Perhaps i was stupid when i turned down the offer of help to expose the threat i see.  Inari said she is not my reward.  I will respect that, and will not bother her about things again.  Nemien offered to listen to me again, but i worry a little about that after what happened with Tabitha and her hair. 

Oddly I miss Sedrik, I miss the ability to just speak freely, and hear a honest turn on what i said. 

I am starting to hear Emelle more now.  I know she is dead, but i hear her softly whispering.  It comforting to hear her voice.  I know Inari would freak knowing i am hearing her, Inari would worry that the voice was something bad trying to lure me to darkness.  She would be wrong, I know its Emelle.

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #19 on: June 12, 2012, 08:41:04 PM »
The last time we were all together, I made sure to seem like everything is fine.  Tabitha told me after how happy she was.  I am glad she felt happy she deserves too.   


I have not spoken to anyone about Emelle's visits, really not sure who i should.  I really do not see anyone understanding what has happened, Understanding that it really is Emelle.  Maybe it is the bond between us as twins that keeps Emelle close.   Maybe that bond is the only one these damned mist can not break.  All I have to do now is sit and listen, I can hear her so clearly.  She is happy I am with Tabitha.  Disturbed that Inari does no longer believe in the dreams.   

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #20 on: July 12, 2012, 01:17:04 AM »
Emelle's with me constantly now.  Always at my side like before she died.  I ran into Tabitha at the mist camp, she walked up as i was talking to Emelle, she did not question me about it and i am not sure how i would have explained myself either. 

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #21 on: July 19, 2012, 11:14:48 PM »
I have to think of how to explain this to Tabitha.  She asked me about my talking to myself, and i lied.  My stomach soured as i did, i will not be able to do it again.  She will never accept that the voice i hear... the face i see is Emelle.  I know Inari was haunted by Furies.  Emelle is no Fury, she has not demanded i do anything.  Not tried to sway me to do anything evil.  I will not accept that Emelle is evil.  She is simply my sister and she is staying with me as we swore we would.

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #22 on: September 02, 2012, 04:01:07 PM »
I stay close by so Tabitha can always find me, I have given up on having more family then that.  Tabitha wanted to move into Degannwy, so we did.  I feel awkward there, But it is where Tabitha wishes to be. 

Emelle is my sanity in this place.  Her words, her presence.  Tabitha knows about Emelle now and she says she believes me,  She asks questions about what we talk about, I can not tell if she really does believe me or if she just simply is trying to pacify me.  I will continue to be close and try and be a good partner for Tabitha.

Ran into Sedrik... not sure what that feeling i felt was... maybe it is best leave it at that.

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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #23 on: September 07, 2012, 06:50:51 PM »
Emelle... you said it was time to stop fearing things and step up.  I talked to Tabitha, told her that i want her to start being careful.  That if we are to have a family i would like her to ... try... and be safe.  She is always so willing to help anyone in need, no matter the danger.

A family for us will not be as simple as it sounds, there are many things we have to face along the way...

First we have to decide who will carry the baby.

Then whom the "father" will be, somehow i do not see this as a easy task.  Someone we know... or don't know.  Will they want to be involved.. will we even want them involved.  Part of me wanted it to be someone we know, and tabitha wants it to be someone who is not known.  I guess Time will tell .


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Re: Private thoughts of Chali Dalenner
« Reply #24 on: September 19, 2012, 01:15:10 AM »
Emelle,

What the hell is going on .... why does seeing Sedrik make me so crazy.  I even assaulted a man, for laughing about me with Sedrik.  I told the man i was sorry after and helped him up.  Sedrik walked off.  I am not sure what to say anymore. 

Tabitha seems happy, I will make sure she stays that way.   I think she wants to be the one to carry the child.  I think she is the better choice.  I will do whatever it takes to  make sure she gets what she wants.  She said i am a better person, because i share all of myself so freely.  Because i am loving in a way others are not.  I will not let her down and if that is what she needs from me that's whom i will be.