Wyn's Journal

[Merrien]

I've never kept a journal before.  It seems-- stupid.  Pointless.  Whose going to read it?  Not me.  Who wants to see what's going on inside my head?  I don't-- why the hells would anyone else?  

So -- why am I starting one?  

It's a good damned question, and here's my good damned answer.  

'Cause I think I'm going fecking crazy and I'd like some kind of record of it in case they need to figure out how to put my damned head back together.  

Eh, it's an excuse really.  I think I'm just being lonely and narcissistic again-- plus bored.  

I landed myself in Port-a-Lucine, of all the godsdamned fruity names--it's the additions to their language that make it so fruity-- why do they do it on purpose?  D' this and Au' that.  Pfft.  Give me straightforward language any day.-- I am in a fruity place, where the guards prance around like fops and --  eh.  Yeah.  I should probably stop the railing.  My whole point was that I'm happier in Port-a-Fruity than in Barovia, so.  

It's no Waterdeep.  That's for damned sure.  But it's better than where the Mists DID bring me.  --What kind of joke was THAT?  I've heard a few people say deep and convoluted things about FATE when the mists are invoked.  FATE, huh?  Here's what you can do with your FATE.  I think if the Mists are sentient, they got one godsdamned twisted sense of humor, and they just wanted to screw with me.  They're probably snickering right now.  If Mists can snicker.    

I meant to go back to Vallaki and try to bring Coinny here.  He'd like it --oh so much more-- than Barovia.  But then I couldn't bring myself to go back to Vallaki.  It's sort of like escaping from a prison and then saying, "ya know, I think I'd like to visit my old cell."  It just doesn't happen.  Plus I found some gold to keep me here.

I thought at first I was going to have to head back to Barovia simply because Port-a-Foppy is so godsdamned expensive to live.  But this professor sat next to me and Braithe when we went to a gods-awful play.  --Sylas was in it-- I hope they don't let him on the stage again, it'd be a good punishment for criminals to tie them to the seats and make them watch Sylas act--  And the professor made his way in and sat next to me and Braithe.  Ha, she's the nicest elf I ever met.  If I were a man, I'd scoop her up.  Looks like Sylas may be in process of it.  Probably the only thing that damned elf'll do right.  --gods, if he manages it, ha.  

At any rate, so this Ernst fellow was cracking me up the whole time-- what a weirdo.  It made the play much more enjoyable.  What can I say?  I like eccentrics.  He's got a sense of humor at least, so.  He keeps saying I'm his future wife.  But then, he says it to every female he comes across practically, so I won't let it go to my head.  But, I'm ahead of myself-- point is, he hired me as his assistant, paid me 1,000 gold up front, so I can officially live for a bit here.  I just have to help him out with his classes and the like.  Shouldn't be a problem, assuming I can find the University again.  I missed the last one cause I got so lost.  But . . . eh, he seems tolerant.  Likely because he wants to bed and/or wed me.  

Also met a man that's interesting, Hawke, but he's hung up on some girl.  He says they're in an "open relationship" --ain't that the way?  I asked him if SHE knew they were in an open relationship, ha, but he said yes.  That doesn't mean he's gonna get what he wants.  He actually had the nerve to assume I was a whore when he first met me.  What the hells??  Why do so many people think I'm a whore when they first meet me?  I ain't wearing little shorty skirts or showing off that much.  Just cause I have a mouth and I'm crude?  Gods, they don't know my part of Waterdeep then.  It'd be throat-high in whores and bandits.  --Well.  I guess now that I'm thinking on it, my part of Waterdeep IS throat-high in whores and bandits.  

...Gods, do I miss it.  

I still have my pendant with Tymora's coin and Selune's starry eyes.  Thinking they skip over this place though.  That makes me more sad than I ever thought I'd be over a religion.  I never thought I'd be so homesick.  

Gah, time for a refill on my flask.  At least they have whiskey in this godsforsaken place.  It's the only thing that's tied my head in place.  Which just reminds me of the headless horseman me and Coinny dodged and ran from outside of Vallaki.  Still makes me cold.  Now I REALLY need that whiskey.  

[Merrien]

Oh, P.S. -- next time remind me to talk about Nem.  She's another weirdo that makes me laugh.  Mostly because she's too godsdamned serious and I so enjoy twarking her off.  I think she'll murder me in my sleep one day.  I really, really do.  ...I probably shouldn't be staying in a room with her then, eh?  --ha.

[Merrien]

Oh gods, I'm so stupid.  

I don't even want to talk about it.  Allright, maybe I do.  But yeah, first of all-- Nemien wanted to keep me locked up in her room a bit.  I think she likes girls?  She kept touching my face.  

She let me go-- I swear the locks in the Govie are a lot more durable than most I've come across.  

Second of all, I stayed with Hawke the next night.  That's where the stupid part comes in.  I know, I know.  Eh, what can I say?  I'm weak and idiotic sometimes.  

I seriously was not intending to let things happen, but then I thought, aw, what the hells?  

--How many times has the phrase "What the hells" gotten my arse into trouble?  I need a coin for each time and then no more problems for me.  I'll be wealthy and retire somewhere off--  

...yeah, I'm going to have to learn about the "vacation" spots here.  I was gonna say somewhere by the Sea of Stars or something, but yeah, it seems I'm a LITTLE FAR from home now.  

This whole place has me on edge and unsettled.  I'm already paranoid; I don't need more crazy in my life.  I never did.  And yet.  Here I am, where crazy has asked me to dinner and I took it to bed.  

...Not Hawke.  He is remarkably sane.  I'm talking about ME, I'm talking about inside my own HEAD.  

I've been dumber than normal lately and just because I'm trying to hold everything together in any way I can.  I'm drinking more, I'm screwing around more, I'm making stupid mistakes and deals I can't live up to-- all because I'm juggling.  I'm juggling trying to stay sane.  

You shouldn't take someone like me into the Mists, my Misty friends.  Whoever the hells you are that brought me here.  I'm teetering.  Hawke's gonna break my heart to pieces, I can already feel it cracking.  No one is going to notice as I fall to pieces and then one day, it'll just be the looney bin for me.  

People don't know, they don't need to know-- but-- most of all, they don't know.  They don't know that the ground is shaking up inside of me.  They don't know that I may not hold this together for very long.

And furthermore . . . *I* don't even know what'll happen when it all blows to bits.  Not that I'll be murderous or something (most likely, ha).  But . . . but gods, I feel like there'll be at least one casualty.  I'm pretty much banking on that casualty being me.

What I wouldn't give to get out of this place and wake up in my old home, my own bed.  My own land.  My Waterdeep.  

What wouldn't I give for it?  There's dark things here for sure, and I feel like they're eating up on me.  Like leeches or something.  Leeches to the soul.  I'm making a fine dinner right now.  I hope I last.

I really, really do.  I hope I last.  Maybe my survival instincts will be enough.  

Maybe.

~L.F.

[Merrien]

All right.  I'll say it.  Thank goddess for Hawke.  Or Elfric, as he told me his real name is.  I told him my last name.  He's the first one here to know it.  First one-- maybe the only who will; who knows?

I think friendships are the only thing that might save me here.  Talking to him-- we were pretty honest about some of our past pains.  I told him about Cain.  About my son.  He got it, without having to say too much about it, and it was just-- good.  It was comforting to be honest about my terrors here-- to someone else who knows them well, and gets it.  He may not be an outlander, he may not have that experience, but he's familiar with how terrifying this place is, and just how horrible it can be-- the losses that can pile up on you until you break under their burden.

I'm not saying I've been hard hit here.  I haven't.  Not yet.  But I know when I'm being stalked.  Call it paranoia-- I don't care.  Paranoia keeps me alive.  I know the longer I'm here, the harder I'm gonna get hit one of these days.  I know I got a number on my back and one of these days, it's gonna get called.  And then-- I'll have to face something, and maybe face it alone. 

That's all right.  I'll face it down.  It may kill me, end me, land me gods know where-- but when the end comes for me, --Hells these are dark thoughts.  Ha. 

I don't even want to finish it.  Who am I kidding?  I'll probably piss my pants and beg for more time, ha. 

Maybe I'll make a few folks laugh on my way down.  That's about all I can hope for, I guess. 

Like Ernst says.  To enjoy life as much as you can while you have it.  To squeeze out every bit from it.  That's all I can do.  That's it. 

So yeah, every friend I meet along the way makes it that much better, that much more endurable. 

Sometimes I think Tymora's forgotten me and gone.  And sometimes I still think I feel some shining gold of good luck on my face.  I'll take it, even in small bits. 

Light, shine on me.  I'll take your good luck in whatever form it can find me.

~L.F.

[Merrien]

A brief and terse scribbling:

Heading back to the hell hole known as Barovia.  Got too entangled.  Torn somewhere between wanting to kill Elfric and being in love.  Hate being torn.  I knew this was (curseword) going to happen.

~LF