Within the first five minutes of stumbling through the mists it occurred to me that this world has been engineered and designed as punishment for my previous sins...
To be perfectly truthful, I don't even know if it's real.
There's no exit at the moment because I'm actually dying.
I must be laying face down in a ditch, dreaming, unconscious, or maybe I'm at that point where a fraction of a second feels like days while I'm bleeding out and no one's able to find me.
Or under a spell. Just...dreaming, floating away somewhere.
and those little temptations, the comfort? The acceptance that you are to never return home? Those are the devious machinations of the afterlife pulling at you, and the instant you accept them, you're gone...
I'd tripped...no, I was strangled until the light around me grew dim.
It was madness really, it's all so cloudy and I was so...I was insane, just so completely insane with grief over the things I've done....and that voice, the whispering.
"You betrayed me, and I will not regret this a single bit."
I'm pretty sure I'm slipping into unconsciousness...and this is the state of being slowly snubbed out.
I think that because the last thing I do remember of home was being stabbed, over and over and over again.
I think it happened because I wanted to die.
I've never been suicidal and I'd never tell anyone this, but at that moment I wanted out, I wanted to escape, I wanted to...just float away and become someone else, somewhere else.
...even if it's not real, it feels real, pain feels real, and the constant hammering rain day after day feels real.
Cecilia on the other hand, is not doing so well.
Eventually she'll forget everything, home, me, herself...she's getting worse by the day.
There are times where I'm tempted to let her forget, and spare her the grief...
but when she remembers, she's sad even though she asks me not to let her forget, so I do as she says.
I find myself so damn envious that she's suffering this ....'amnesia', we'll call it.
Perhaps it's an emotional break down.
The last thing I remember saying before everything went black is...what was it... ? "None of this really matters, anyway."
In a few days, for Cecilia, none of it will.
She told me both our parents died from a sickness when we were little, but...I remember our father being alive and well.
She doesn't remember her middle name anymore and tries to ask me for it, but I remember that she never had one.
She complains occasionally that her ankle hurts after walking or when it gets too chilly outside and she has no idea why...but I know that a very angry man broke it and forced her to let it heal naturally.
I know she's my sister, I feel that she's my sister, emotionally I want to protect her because she's my sister, but...I've never had an older sister.
Even so, when her memory fails her I still can't help but feel betrayed.
But yet she betrays everyone, she can't help herself.
In all honesty, I don't think she's really real. I think when I talk to her, the things I tell her, it's me talking to me.
Sometimes when she's frightened by me, she'll even tell me that I'm insane.