Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus

[3Piece]

"The light reveals every ugly facet on the surface,
and induces people to judge on those first instances…"
Heart watches over me, my companion in the light.
The Watchers keep their posts, in the shadows.

While dangers lurk in both light and shadow,
I am safer, closer to the shadow, bonded.
Bonded in a way no being of light can be bonded.
I accept all it means, all it has to offer, even what I have yet to learn.

I could hear them, the whispers just out of reach.
They know all, they see all, hear all.
The Watchers, waiting, protective of their own, of our bond.
The embrace, taking from me that which I no longer need.

I feel her even now, perhaps if it's dark enough,
quiet enough, far enough away from all that is light,
perhaps then, I can hear her.

Perhaps soon, I can hear them clearly.

[3Piece]

Family protects, embraces, accepts you for who you are.
This family is special, with a bond to that dark domain.
It is here I feel safest, where so many feel terrified.
Cloaked by shadow, darkness, nothing louder than whispers.

Shadows protect, keep me safe from all that is harm.
Heart understands now, as I have for so long.
Comfort and solace found only in shadow.
The pains of the bright lights, loud noises.

Now Heart is part of this family, bonded as never before.
Beyond what can be inked on parchment,
beyond any mortal speeches or bindings or rings.
Heart's price was the anguish as his light fought to remain.
With that taken from him he has found solace.

How can that which comforts, loves, protects, be anything else?
This can be nothing other than the strengthening of the bonds.
I feel her anguish, pain, feelings I used to be oh so familiar with.
I welcome them as a burden I must be strong enough to carry.
Our bond has been strengthened, we are more in harmony.
I feel more drawn to the shadows, my own solace.

Thank you for taking away the nightmares of light.

[3Piece]

Lies, deceit. My own foolishness.
A moment of weakness and curiosity started this.
I wanted this, craved it, shutting out the warnings.
Skeith never asked this of me. Envied perhaps, but never took.
I shut out his whispers, straining to hear Hers better.

I broke promises, to myself, to my loyal friend, to my tutor.
Heart. My wise unwavering Heart. I thank the stars for you.
May your mind remain intact and your soul yours.
I offer prayer to Shar, as Heart has taught me.
May she grant them.

I am not alone in this, or in anything I might do.
I share a unique bond with Heart, one I pray he never forgets.
I share a bond of comparable sort with another,
May he endure this trial, and every step along the way,
And never stop searching for the truth of things.

Am I afraid? Oh yes, I have no doubt in that fact.
I do have my doubts of this being so dreadful.
But that is a risk I am not willing to take,
for it's not only my life at stake.
Afraid, seeking comfort where I feel most secure.

-MY- shadows protect me.

[3Piece]

My intentions were to keep this journal so I might be able to reflect.
Look back over events that have occurred, cogitate on my reactions.
Instead I find myself staring at the pages night after night,
Until at last exhaustion drags my mind beneath the covers and I sleep.
Even then, the sleep is restless and wrought with dark images.

So long has passed since I last place quill to parchment.
In some ways much has changed, in others, all remains the same.
From one perilous journey to the next, all in the name of what?

Heart now named as Captain, and a fine one he will be.
Inheritance is not always brought with cheer and fine wine.
Soon though, even those bits will be in the past and buried.
Perhaps it will even begin to feel like Family.

There's something to learn in every experience.

[3Piece]

How do you express loss when you work so hard,
Tending and maintaining cold indifference?
The only flavor of emotion I can not contain, is fear.

Any other fleeting glimpse,
Access to a window of weakness.
A fickle shift of fate to be used against you,
The first foothold gained, weakening your resolve.

I can not lay blame upon any.
Heart did not know and I did ask him not to go.
Would a blubbering show of weeping,
Pleading, have changed the outcome?

No. It is better to wear the unseen cloak,
Keeping what little wisps I do feel,
Hidden within its folds from all prying eyes.

Concealed, unnoticed, and thus protected.

[3Piece]

A friend lost through honesty for a past deceitful act
Ripples of fate billowing open that unseen cloak
Flickers of weakness growing to more than mere glimpses
Apology after apology for what I could have stopped
My resolve to keep that cloak wrapped tightly, dissolving

Family brutally attacked, all of us targets now
One of the few I trusted from the start, ailing and weak
The feeling of being helpless to aide him
Aside from striking out at those who caused this.
Just adds to the growing lake of emotions
Once kept securely under wraps

Heart wading through his new job
The future seems a bit more focused,
Even with the risks involved,
The fates of those once holding this office.

Through it all, I have gained a rare gem in these lands
Shahal as Heart calls her, Skeith curious of my Saheva,
More than a peek beyond, more than a glimpse seen,
Witness to some of what I hold inside my unseen cloak.

Unguarded as I was with him, I find myself with her, and it feels good.

[3Piece]

I watched Heart working deep into the night,
And I noticed the deepening lines across his face.
I wonder how much shorter his life is now,
With all the worries and stress his job brings.

I fear it will be too short and I will once again be alone.
I have no desire to walk this land without them.
Should I lose Heart I will have no choice.
Remember the smiles, the kind words and yes,
The lectures as well.

Never forget, I tell myself each time I watch him,
When he thinks he is alone.
How I wish I could drag him away from this place,
If only for a day.
A day of sunshine and talks like it used to be,
Just the two of us.

Is that too much to hope for?

[3Piece]

There is a balance to everything,
even beyond the land, all that is in it.
What is taken is somehow returned,
different forms but still returned.
Shahal balances the loss,
with a trust beyond the surface.

Skeith persistent with his constant murmurings,
until finally I agreed and so it began.
A promise broken, a risk taken.
I believe this well worth any risk.
Shahal is a worthy trainee, insightful.

Wise is the apprentice who can also enlighten.

[3Piece]

We are brought into this life with nothing,
and so we depart this life the same.
Fault lies in no one place,
blame only feeds guilt which none should harbor.
The land beneath my feet is once again firm,
no longer do I feel the frantic shifts.
Memories will remain always, held dear,
as I continue to live and continue on my path.
Goodbye my old friend,
may you find peace wherever you go.


[Carefully drawn Untheric glyphs below the written entry depict a lovers embrace with words written in Bocchi beneath]

No sacrifice is too great to protect that which I hold most dear.
I will remain by your side always, Heart.

[3Piece]

The order of retrieval seemed simple enough,
Went smoothly without many mistakes.
Shadows kept me well concealed.
For that I am ever so thankful for the bond.

Choices are supposed to be just that,
A choice you make based on you,
What you want, what you know, what you believe.
Some choices however are different,
While offered as a question such as,
"Do you Comply?" saying no means certain death.

And the Count is one I would rather not defy.

[3Piece]

All who have gone to that place,
Returned not the same as they left.
While he seems intact, he is not the same.
Torn and broken inside, weaker maybe.
Time will tell if he is who he claims.

Perhaps I have changed since that day,
Much I have gone through, endured.
Changed, or just thickened my unseen cloak.
It is better to keep all hidden within its folds.
I will not become cold unfeeling, dead inside.
No, just to appear as such to remain secure.

Heart remains my constant, my strength.

[3Piece]

Days become like a routine.
Nights quiet, empty.
Few dare to challenge Heart,
those who do will soon learn.
Learn, or vanish like so many others.

Confidence.
While I still fear so very much,
I feel a changed way of being.
Perhaps it is the bond,
strengthened and protective.
Perhaps it is my skill,
both with bow and blade.

And yet, I fear that confidence could be easily shattered.

[3Piece]

Should have known it would not last,
The routine and quiet now gone.
News travels and brings tidings
The sort I would rather not hear.
Just when Heart has less to concern himself with.

Such is the nature of this land,
Leaving the unprepared vulnerable,
Forcing the rest to adapt and learn to live,
Or fail in the attempt to merely survive.


Steady rain against the window,
Soothing sound, Reminder of where we are.
I miss the sound of the rain,
As it patters over the leaves.

New names new faces new directions.

[3Piece]

Sitting in the corner with the whispers while I watch Heart working.
Wrinkles crease his face deeper with each passing day.
Thinks I am not around as he lights that smoking paper.
His eyes shadowed underneath as he sighs yet again.
Here I sit with the most  helpless feeling.

Longing for the long walks away from the stone walls.
Wishing for the care free way we used to live.
Yearning for the days we used to dream of a life away from here.
Wondering what keeps us bound to this place now.

I know all I have to do is speak up.
Heart always listens, but what if this is not what he dreams of?
I could insist and stomp my foot, but I want his heart in it as well.
In the end, all I need is Heart and all is well.
I would give up everything to keep Heart safe and with me.

Choices, and yes, I do have a choice in this.

[3Piece]

Pieces slowly put in proper places.
The end of another chapter,
But hardly the end of the story.
What awaits Heart and I outside,
Is the once familiar path we both prefer.

A taste of freedom only increases the desire.
The longing deep within strengthens as well.
I am aware of the dangers of this land,
Confident we can not only survive together,
But live as a family. A true family.

I trust in Heart, his words, his ways, his reasoning.
I long to see that easy smile,
The way it lifts his eyes and lightens his load.

Soon, I tell my shadowy friend, soon.

[3Piece]

Lost days spent wandering in search of nothing
Countless nights spent listening to the tranquility
So long without the disquieted sensations
Nearly forgetting the weight of unease
Yet feeding the yearning and ache of all Heart provides.

Impulse longing or a fleeting weakness?
This land hardly fit for such inclinations.
The prospect of a dream seen through
Outweighs any apprehension.
Heart would agree, reluctantly.

Especially after my failure
A moments hesitation
Found my head on the floor
How I dislike that deep dark place.

Skeith warned me
I should heed those whispers more often.

[3Piece]

I should have known first
It is my body after all
Those silly animals
Always protective, watching over me
Caim should have said something
The way he nuzzled in my lap and purred.

Together through it all, no matter what
And in nine months time a new life for Heart to behold
While he claims it is all instinctive
I have plenty of doubts and fears
Never in any number of lifetimes
Did I see myself like this.

Eventually I will have to pack away Anguish and Lament
Even the bow I keep over my back
We know a name for a girl
But what if it should be a boy?

Skeith has been quiet all night.

[3Piece]

What better way to spend a name day!
Off with Heart to watch the story act out,
The narrative drawing me in,
The twist at the end exhilarating.
Anything less would have felt odd,
In this land of constant surprises.

Let them worry and fret over the who and why,
Today I just want to enjoy the peaceful time,
Smell the lovely scent of the rose,
And push from my mind that word "Comply"

Heart and I have faced countless foes,
Shared every thought, secrets too.
For once I protect him not with those blades,
But with my silence.

[3Piece]

A simple quiet walk becomes a chance.
A new friend unlike any other.
Similarities even to myself.
Moments so rare, must be cherished.
Rare memory to file under enjoyable.

Topped off with piles of Cheese!
Gifted from someone so very dear.
Like old days but better,
As we sat chatted and ate our treats.
No worries, no weights on our shoulders.

And yet lingering in the dark corner,
That feeling of something coming.
Impending, looming, threatening.

Good things never last in this land.

[3Piece]

Orders given, followed, carried out with precision.
Barely time to lean over each.
The wet gurgling exhale as they stain the cobbles.
That moment when the look changes,
Hate melting into fear then fading away.

The wet coppery scent filling each inhale.
Just a hint of iron mixed with salt and fright.
Managed to resist the temptation to taste.
Heart would have thrown his temper.

Long quiet walk to clear the mind,
Deep and peaceful sleep for once,
A rare glimpse into what life may come,
I can not help but wonder what lies ahead.

Whatever comes I know WE can face it. Together.

[3Piece]

Head pounding pains little can soothe
Heart with his bitter drink and wet cloth
Me with our Caim and sleepy Nebibi
Lingering tendrils in the dreams.

Of all the places I have seen
That place I never wish to repeat
Bright flashes of light were not enough
Knocking us to our feet blinded and sizzling.

Thralls empty vessels birthing with empty stares
Hungry eyes looking to us as a meal
Games played to test our… resolve?
Enormous all-knowing brain-thing.

To feel the grass between my toes once again
The touch of Skeith with his whispers
Nebibi's rumbling purr as he sleeps
Caim insisting he deserves his share
Heart watching over us all.

Safe. Comforted, for now.

[3Piece]

Even an ox can only carry so much
Before he limps, goes lame, falters
Burdens can be heavy
Words as weapons cut deep
Wound deeper than blades

Battles rage inside and out
Until finally it is all said
Presented without mercy
Without malice or hate.

Time will tell if the words went deep
Deep enough to take root
May they find fertile soil
And my Heart keep his promises.

I want my friends.
No. I need my friends.
I need my Heart as well.

[3Piece]

Knew better than to rush
Eager to see them through
Only wounded pride in the end
A good end I have to say
We all make it out alive this time.

Decisive blows until that last door.
Things feel quite different
Our minds our strengths
Each takes a turn willing into being
From the depths of our fears, faiths, familiarities

At first many fail, our failure imminent
Then slowly, one by one, we succeed
Until with the final conjuration
Shadowy rats consume the Caller.

My first thoughts were of what I feared most
Slithery creatures that haunt my sleep
Fangs seeking out flesh with every step
Memories of their venom burning within
Agony until finally slipping away.

And yet… that fearsome creature did nothing against the Caller.

[3Piece]

Sat staring at the page until light faded to dark,
Ink drying on the pen.
Nebibi curls up in the corner, content to sleep.
Caim tightly wound in a ball on my lap.
Thoughts continue to go unwritten,
Until I too close my eyes and catch a short nap.

So much we have seen, done, changed.
Left not a single enemy standing to threaten her life.
A few might think to threaten but none would be a threat.
She will learn from each of us, our skills to keep her safe.
Even if she is the he Heart desires.

I missed him, missed him calling me "lellers",
His unique patterns of speech, his laugh.
At his request I will train another, show her the steps.
She seems eager to learn yet wary enough to survive.
Trust however, has yet to be earned.

Two months and counting.

[3Piece]

Soft and black, Silent and deadly.

I come,  Slowly,  Surely.
Creeping out from the shadows,
Slipping up on people unawares.

I am the answer to their wishes,
I bring relief, and happiness.
I am the herald of joy.

Creeping out from the shadows,
Slipping up on people unawares.

I am a hopeless wish, I bring pain, and sadness.
I am a herald of nightmares.
Creeping out from the shadows,
Slipping up on people unawares.
I am a dark beauty, I am silence, Darkness itself.

My cloak is pure black,
My many eyes are white,
and lethally cold is my bite.
Where I leave my mark, You can always tell.
Shadows, In the corners of your eyes.
Little voices that you can't quite hear, and can't quite understand,
Vying for your attention.

Beauty, Playing before your eyes, Distracting your mind
When shadows, words, and beauty, have you so confused,
you can't remember, who you truly are.
Then I bare my teeth, and swallow your world.

Creeping out from the shadows, Slipping up on people unawares.

Where I leave my mark, You can always tell.
When you hurt, When you cry, I will come to comfort you.
With a numbing, silent,darkness.
But do not trust me.
For I know you, Your deepest, darkest secrets.

And I will use them, To haunt you, To strike fear deep into your heart.

I am watching, with countless eyes,
I am listening,  with countless ears.

And I will always come...