Author Topic: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus  (Read 7604 times)

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Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« on: July 27, 2010, 08:45:04 AM »
[A very well cared for book.
The corners showing much wear from being wrapped tightly and riding around in a small bag inside a pack.
The first several pages are crude drawings of common items, with block print below giving their proper name.

Several pages beyond include Untheric symbols in rows, with printed words under them.
Perhaps thirty pages in, begins the first diary entry.
The handwriting clearly written with slow deliberate strokes.]




Never before have I considered keeping any sort of journal containing my thoughts.
Before the mist took me, rescued me from a life that knew nothing outside of fear and pain,
I knew nothing about forming letters to a page to represent the spoken word.
My love [Untheric drawing "Heart"] has taught me more in this time together,
than I could ever have dreamed of grasping an understanding of.
Yet, I have so much more to learn.

Perhaps this will turn out to be a mistake, once more something to use to hurt me in some
cruel way. Some things should never be written or spoken, while other things I simply choose
not to speak. I don't want to hear the lectures, or to be told how wrong I am yet again. I want
to appear strong and clear in my thoughts, able to handle what I've gotten myself into.

Maybe he was right. I was doomed to fail. So much I wanted to prove, as I tried to be something
I am not. It was not my intention, and I had no fore knowledge of the events that transpired.
Tugged, pulled, two directions. How much I longed to be what I tried. Did I not try hard enough?
Their blood is on my hands, and no matter how much I washed them in the lake, rubbed sand between them,
the stain remained. Why is it this blood bothers me? Have I not had blood on my hands before?

The name stung deeply. Is that what I am? I fought it, even presented my side to her. I still do
not fully believe that is what I am, yet doubt lingers. Maybe I am in the end. While I did everything
I thought to do, was in their best interest, deep down what was I? Afraid, but is that even an
excuse? Maybe he was right, I never belonged there. Fear can not be a leader.

He saw my fear of that slithery creature, whose name even sounds as horrible as the sound it makes.
He knows my weakness now, should he ever feel the need to...  I must not think that way.
Does he still see the fear in my eyes when I look at him? Remember to keep that hood pulled low.
He thought I hesitated, questioned my loyalty right away. Remember not to hesitate.

Is this living finally, or merely surviving still? The lines have not only grown hard to see,
they are no longer lines at all. At the very core of my soul, my choices are still very much
based on fear. Fear is what drives me, pulls me, and fear is what has made me who I am. Fear is
why every moment of my life I have wanted to pull the shadows around me and hide. If I could have
been able to hide before my life here, I would have been a much different child.

In all the winters I have seen, I have never felt I have a focus. I found love in the most
unexpected place, in a most unexpected person, but I did not feel I knew who I was, what I
wanted, or what direction I was meant to take. I had no focus, nothing to pour myself into being.
That is, until this day. This is why I wanted to write down what I am thinking. Today I found
something to focus on. I learned something that will stay will me, and if they are willing,
will change me forever. I will practice every moment I get, until I perform it perfectly. Perhaps
they will see my determination, and decide to use me as I learn to use them. I will find the way
to appease them. She has only begun to show me the way.

L
Sehwyn Masys

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Laila Folquin-Retired

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2010, 04:42:28 PM »
I've made the trip between them so many times, and it tires me.
I never enjoyed the fancy noses in the air before, why should I now?
What is there to enjoy in a pampered cell?
Everything someone could want, soft bed, warm bath, books, music, even a place to draw.
I spent several hours there, and only grew more and more restless.
I longed for the open fields, the wind caressing my skin, the sounds of
the animals scurrying in the brush, even the rain pattering over my hood.
I craved the long walks to some unknown destination.
I actually missed the walks along the lake.

So, I've not returned to that place that feels so unfamiliar.
I stood out in the rain, as hidden as I could, watching those neuri chase them around.
I actually found it amusing, the panic in their breaths.
I remember when it was I who ran from those creatures,
when that was my greatest fear in this place I now call home.
It's not that I don't fear those wolf-neuri, just that there is so much more to fear.
These past few days, I fear as much as when the master was in control of my fate.
No place is safe, no place can I rest without keeping one eye open.

The only thing I cling to, is the hope I can appease them enough.

L.
Sehwyn Masys

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Laila Folquin-Retired

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2010, 05:07:27 PM »
[Written in a shaky hand with frequent pauses]

So much has changed in such a short amount of time.
Just this past night, I watched them as I tried to learn and understand.
I was distracted by her project, clamoring about her hunger.
I should have listened to Artemis, but then I would not have learned what I have.
As I slipped into the shadows, I felt lighter.
It was as though a protective spell or something was cast over me.
I was so distracted by the goings on after, I barely had time to react.
I just accepted it, for what it was.

The mark means nothing now, just a scar to remind me of how foolish I was.
Foolish to trust in a mark, foolish to think it would make a difference.
He made it clear, I was at as much risk as any other.
I remember being overcome with such intense fear.
Those images that haunt my dreams, being real and after me.
Even now, I've barely ceased the shaking in my hands.

L.
Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2010, 10:56:42 AM »
As a child I can remember an early faint memory of wrapping a blanket around me,
feeling comforted if only by a small measure. Still, it was comfort.
This is the best word I can describe when I wrap the shadows around me.
Some measure of comfort, an escape from most eyes.
Most, but I must remember, never all. Some can still pierce the shadows.
Even with what I can draw from the land, the shadows can not always keep me hidden.
Maybe it's just that I've not learned to keep my breath as quiet as possible.
I'll have to practice that as well.

Everyone connected to him is a target.
How many times have I heard this? I've known this since the beginning, before it all started.
I knew then, the dangers, the risks. I still do. My reasons have changed of course.
"Neither help nor hinder"  I'm told, but I can't help myself.
This is something I must do, something I owe.

"Mists and shadows walk hand in hand"
Coming from nearly anyone else I would have dismissed those words as meaningless.
Tredow would know, he'd never make something up like that.
Any other day I doubt it would remain a thought to dwell on.
After those events he spoke of, the mist pulling randoms, or some force was pulling them...
It's beyond anything I understand.
At least there is comfort within the shadows, a sense of security.
It is there my fears lessen, there I can close my eyes and not see those slithering creatures,
those bared fangs, those images from my nightmares.
Not yet peace, but as close as I've ever known.
Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2010, 11:43:26 AM »
Hearing about his death should have felt better than it did.
Perhaps I let him affect me more than I should.
I feared him, who he was, his ways. I'll never forget.
I do wonder though, if what he said was honest, or lies.
Not that it matters anymore, he's long gone.

I expected things to settle some, find some quiet time for brewing.
I have continued working with what she had tried to teach me.
Nothing has changed yet, at least, I have not been able to master what she has.
Not even close. I slip up even sometimes, when I try to mimic those moves.

Maybe this is why I've been haunted by those shadow beings lately.
Have I somehow disturbed them? Upset them in some manner?
Tredow seems to think if I have not appeased them, they would no longer conceal me.
I have my doubts on that, and worry I have failed them in some way.

I have not been able to locate Sofiya to ask her.
She'd most likely be upset anyway, that I've not been much of a student.
I don't understand it like she does, and I fear my lack of wisdom in this.
Perhaps our recent troubles are because of me.
I need to find out, figure out what must be done, or find a way to prove to myself it's not my fault.

It's been such a long hectic few days. I've not been this tired from exertion in months.
Hopefully answers can be found with the latest goings on with the plants,
as well as if there's a valid reason for the recent shadow issues.
Maybe tonight the dreams won't come, and I can rest fitfully.
Maybe.
Sehwyn Masys

Also: Semisi Joleim; Rayla Mardanel
Laila Folquin-Retired

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2010, 10:08:02 PM »
I allowed a moment of weakness today, receiving a hug. Not just any hug.
Like a loving mother would give to their child, a warm hug. Not a lovers hug.
I always avoided such contact, but I never really understood why.
I had this vague memory of seeing my mother hug me, yet feeling pain.
I realize now, it's a memory of seeing my sister receiving the affection I never got.
That sister is dead to me now.

My sister here understands me, my reasons for doing what I've done.
To see her alive, the flicker of those emotions in her eyes,
to know she is well, gave me hope again.
She understands how the power of fear can drive someone, anyone,
to do things they would normally never do.

Fear is what drove me to the shadows embrace.
It is only there that I feel secure, wrapped in a blanket. Protected. Safe.
Only there can I close my eyes and let my mind wander where it will.
Only there are the horrors of the night distanced in my mind.
Surely it is within the shadows I can learn not to fear?

What lesson or message those shadows intended to bring, if any?
Along the shore it was as if they singled me out, once again.
What have I done to displease them? Have I not been able to appease them enough?
Surely the shadows understand I need them?
More than anything, I need them.
Whatever the cost, whatever they want from me,
so long as they conceal me each time I reach for them.




Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #6 on: September 29, 2010, 09:23:08 AM »
There are few circumstances, or emotions, that manage to push back
or lessen the one I feel as strongly as I do fear.
After such a close and intimate encounter with a being so powerful,
so determined to bring up every twisted memory from my past,
I wanted nothing more than to sink my blade deep within their guts.
The images, words, emotions, cumulated into a raging hatred,
searing my mind, blurring together until all I saw was red.
Red, and their faces.

Slowly, I pushed the more violent images from my vision,
grasped some semblance of control over my own mind.
The hate and rage however, was much more difficult to manage.
How easy it would have been to let that wash over me,
be all I thought and felt, the driving force of my actions.

However, my love for one has been what I grasp onto tightest,
hold closest to my heart, and depend on when things fall apart around me.
My love for one, is what keeps me from becoming what I was before,
from letting this rage and hate become what determines my actions.
Without him, I am nothing more than a frightened child lurking in the shadows,
ready to use what skills he has taught me, not just for survival.
Without care or regard for emotions or consequences, mine, or theirs.
Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #7 on: October 04, 2010, 08:15:44 AM »
Alex has returned from her studies,
not lost to the mist or the horrors of this land.
She smells more of books and dust,
than the usual scent of herbs and that cauldron.
I was finally able to speak with my
 [several lines are scratched over nearly through the page, rendering it impossible to make out what was written.]

What makes us who we are now?
Who would I have been, here in this forsaken land,
without my Heart by my side?
His guiding hand, hard yet gentle like a lover.
Firm like a master, without the cruelty of those in the past.
Without his direction, those lessons and endless lectures,
what would I have become?

Sloppy work, he told me later. As if done by a first year.
"Anything less and you're no better than a footpad."
What I told him, was that it was personal.
What I did not tell him,
was what I saw when I looked into that man's face.
At first it was just him, young, well groomed, and afraid.
Then he was all those from before,
each face with their cruel snarls before they...
I don't care that he was already dead,
although I would have done it even as he still drew breath.

I have a lot to learn, and Heart is the perfect one to teach me.
Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2010, 03:48:33 PM »

It was an almost helpless feeling
 unable to do anything more than just watch.
The two closest to me, one a dear friend,
the other my Heart. Surrounded, taken down.

I carried Grevis to the mouth of the cave,
only to watch my Heart thrown about,
dragged away to be torn apart by them,
his blood staining my cloak.

For the while I stood there, I felt so lost.
Unsure what action to take, where to go,
what I would do without Heart.
That's when she came, Sister to the land.
She who tends the land, and those who walk it,
eat from it, prey on it.

What we take from the land must be returned to the land.
Hunt the land, and it will eventually hunt you.
Heart's city ways have pulled me from these ways.
I doubt he understands this balance.

While Grevis feels his abilities come from his heart,
I know mine pull from the land.
He asked me a while back if the land could take,
prevent the way I use it like Heart reads stories.
I wasn't sure then, but now I believe it could happen.
Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2010, 01:57:12 PM »
Heart reminds me to never forget my past. Days blend into seasons here in this forsaken land.
How am I do ensure I never forget? My journal is always with me, so it is here I will write of my past.
Time fades some memories, but others remain as vivid as the moment they occurred.
There is little to speak of during the first six years I spent in Red Larch.
Life was uneventful, and as normal as can be for a place where you knew everyone.

Mother was a local healer, herbalist, and hunter. She spoke often of Mielikki.
Perhaps this is why I find it like second nature when I work with the local herbs.
I rarely spoke with my father, but I remember the smell of his smith-work and his lectures.
He was such a staunch Gondite, the two making such an odd pairing yet loving balance.
Both tried to force their misguided ways and strict beliefs onto my twin and I.

Lilly, my twin, was always so bubbly, cheery, happy to be the center of attention.
Everyone fawned over her, showered her with gifts, let her get away with everything.
It's such a pity the fire didn't claim her as well, even if the intent was attention of my own.
It was the fire I set, which destroyed the cabin and took the lives of my parents.
I didn't regret it then, and I still don't to this day. They got what they deserved.


I suppose that was the first time I felt it, but had no word for such an emotion.
I do now. I feel it, and I have a word for it. Hate.
Such a powerful emotion. Goes well with anger.
Remembering those days brings back those emotions.
I need to release them, so I'll have to write more another time.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2010, 12:15:04 PM by 3Piece »
Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #10 on: November 17, 2010, 12:13:58 PM »
I suppose the tragedy of the events, and those that followed, forced these memories from my mind.
That is, until one of those Vistani seer's offered to look into my past, told me my sister lived.
It was her, in those broken memories of looking into a mirror and seeing not me, but someone like me.
Over time I have remembered more, of seeing her taken by a loving family, arms open to her.
Nobody wanted the sullen-faced child with a permanent pout and unkempt hair.
After all, who wouldn't prefer the bright eyes and zest for life Lilly always had.

I was bounced from family to family, never staying long with any, withdrawing within.
There was no purpose to speaking unless spoken to, or attempting eye contact.
Avoidance was the best rule, as I learned quickly in order to remain safe from harsh hands.
This would prove vital when the time came and I was sold to a whore house as a maid.
A cleaner I was called, to tidy up after clients and to tend to the injuries the women received.

What can I say about ďThe Night's EmbraceĒ, that horrible brothel in Waterdeep?
It was run with an iron hand, the girls mistreated by staff and client alike.
The only reason I wasn't forced to work as they did, was my youth.
Too young, but only for a few more years, he always reminded me.
I tried to become a mouse, always trying to stay out of sight of the cruel giants.

As quiet as a mouse is, it still makes noise and leaves a trail, but less frequently is caught.
Back then I believed the mouse trapped in even the cruelest of traps had it better than I...

Beware the mouse backed into a corner with nothing to lose, and only pain to gain.
While some may break inside, others...
Others just might find themselves with claws, even if only for a moment.

« Last Edit: November 17, 2010, 12:17:04 PM by 3Piece »
Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #11 on: November 23, 2010, 11:19:48 AM »
So many times I've been asked what my life was like before I was taken by the mists.
The majority of those who ask, say they miss their homes, loved ones, things left behind.
There was nothing I missed about my life before it began anew here.
When I mention what I did, the place I was forced to work, I don't feel ashamed.

The Night's Embrace was something I endured, survived. I wasn't living.
What most would consider cruel, were common and normal within the walls of that place.
Sleep was not something to be enjoyed, but rather a result of exhaustion.
Tasks had to be completed quickly, and to the expectations of the master, or be punished.

Punishments at first were simply denial of food, which actually were rather frequent.
It didn't take much. Not getting the task done quick enough, or to his liking was sufficient.
It's not like I didn't give it my all. My fingers were small enough to get what others would miss.
Dishes, linen, windows, walls, bedding, the rooms of clients, all had to be kept clean daily.
Even those rooms reserved for punishing the more rebellious girls.

I don't need to write the details of my memories of that place.
I am reminded of the sounds, the screams, often enough.
Just the sight of a whip brings those sounds and images vividly to my mind.
The feelings of fear and helplessness drowning out any other emotion.
Remembering, I feel it again. This place I write can not be the safest, even with the shadows.
Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #12 on: December 05, 2010, 12:31:22 AM »
I encountered one of my greater fears today. Not alone, and certainly not the one who killed them.
Huge shadowy snakes, with horrible burning venom that curses through you just before they eat you.
Three times before, these same snakes have done this, ending my life in quite a painful manner.
I've developed quite the fear of snakes, even the smaller ones causing me to freeze in my tracks.

I've not tasted that level of fear often, and I remember the first time clearly.
The manager of the whores had beaten one rather severely for some minor infraction.
We grew close, becoming friends and planning our great escape together.
We stole food from the kitchen on our way out the back door, thinking we'd finally gotten free.
I remember her laugh, her soft lilting tones, the soothing presence, her high hopes and dreams.

You don't break the rules of the house and suffer lightly, and we'd broken more than a few.
For this act of betrayal, we were to be stripped of all we owned, whipped and tortured in vile manners.
She was first, and I remember the steadily growing fear as I watched, helpless.

I don't remember just how, but at some point I was free of my restraints and I...
I was holding the blade he used on her, determined not to suffer under his hand.
I remember her eyes, dull and lifeless. She had escaped.
I remember his eyes, as I used that same blade on him, far from skilled.
His rage left, fear replaced it as his lifeblood joined hers on the stone floor.

Once his eyes were as lifeless as hers, I ran. Panic overtook my senses.
Once I might get away with, but twice? I was doomed for sure, and I knew it.
I was certain I could hear footfalls not far behind, voices crying out my crime.
They'd blame me for her death as well, so I ran until my lungs screamed.
I was near exhaustion when the mists rescued me from certain torture and death.
Frightened, alone, a helpless child in a strange new land.

That was then, this is now. I don't dwell on the events of the past, or look for sympathy.
Those events shaped me, but I am not that helpless child anymore.
Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #13 on: December 22, 2010, 08:44:55 AM »
As I sit here curled up in this small place, so full of old memories,
I recall once again memories from my past.
Reading over what I've written thus far I can't help but wonder.
What would someone think if they read it, without understanding me?
So many look at one glimpse of a life, and assume so much.
Even what I've written is just that, a glimpse.

Fear was my reason for killing the second time.
Certainly not for the first.
I only felt hate, pure and simple.
Heart gives it a name, retribution.
That fat lazy bastard killed my only friend,
so in turn, I placed that knife in his throat.

Do I dream about those I've killed? No.
They mean nothing to me. Just worthless scum.
Just stains on the cobbles nobody notices.
It's something Heart says I need to control.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about it though.

What I dream about is what keeps me from restful sleep.
Added to those nightmares, a new threat.
I'm counting on Heart to see us through this one as well.
Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2011, 10:32:36 PM »
Before Heart, I was always the hunted.
These years with him, I've been the hunter.
Now it seems I am once again, the hunted.
It's a whole new game now though.
I'm not a tiny mouse in a brightly lit room,
trying to hide from angry hungry giants.

Perhaps I have changed in subtle ways, ones not seen.
This place changes people, usually for the worse.
What drives someone to look within themselves,
and decide they want to see something different?
What prompted me to take on his request,
go places I once did anything to avoid,
risk every bit of freedom and anonymity?

So what drove me to do this task?
Certainly not reward, there is little I wish for.
Obviously not fame, I'd rather be unknown,
but for a select few I would trust.
It certainly wasn't for his faith, for I have none.
Perhaps it was simply the look in his eyes,
the sound of desperation in his voice.

I do not doubt the gods others so revere,
have no existence beyond what they once were.
Mortals with tongues of silver,
greedy bastards.

I suppose I'll ponder it some more,
along with words said by one who shares...
Shared the shadows secrets.
May she rest in peace.
Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #15 on: February 02, 2011, 01:38:12 AM »
My mind is racing, thoughts seem hard to keep on track.
A lot stems from the sheer intensity of recent events.
I'm supposed to be focused on something... else.

She taught me all I know, how they will try to take me.
"I wish we had more time. I wish I had spent more time with you. I'm sorry."
No, I'm sorry I didn't seek you out, ask you more,
request your guidance and wisdom.

Is this what it feels like to lose a piece of your heart?
This heavy feeling, this ache in my chest? Is this because of her?
She says I don't need her, that I can learn for myself.
I was ready to stand beside her, not leave her side.

When she taught me, she made me promise I'd do as she asked.
Whatever it was, regardless of my thoughts or feelings,
she asked, I had to comply. No questions asked.
Today, she told me to go back. Leave her to her fate.
I did, because she asked, and because it meant Grevis did as well.

And I did, because those feelings, that sensation, was still fresh.
Facing myself, shrouded by shadows.
Fear so intense, so overwhelming, I couldn't think straight.
Everything around me was tainted by darkness.
As the profound state passed, my mouth felt like ice.


The shadows clung to me.
That I remember and draw comfort from.


Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2011, 10:52:53 AM »
I've notice lately the ease in which I slip between here and there seems simpler.
As I sit here in my usual place, watching the forest life, I've notice something else.
At first I thought it was nothing more than a flicker of light dancing off a leaf.
Paying more attention, I see it's much more than that. I feel it as well.

As the light fades and the shadows blend together I feel almost comforted.
I find it difficult to place to words how I feel things have come to be.
My curiosity is peeked, as I watch him pull from the shadows, watching me.
I don't feel threatened, instead it's more along amusement than anything else.

I'm hesitant in sharing this with Heart, yet in a way compelled to tell him.
Would he simply dismiss this as trivial, insignificant flickers of shadow
or figments of my mind due to my lack of fitful rest? I know it's not that.
Regardless, this is a product of my bond, and one I wish to nurture.
Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #17 on: March 22, 2011, 11:58:06 AM »
Fear.
I've felt my share of fear, often times frozen in place.
Swallowed up in its brightness,
That heavy weight pressing down,
The shaking from my very core.

I don't believe you can just face your fear, and conquer it.
The fear remains, but you learn to handle it differently.
You just have to gain the upper hand,
take a really deep breath,
and have someone like Heart there to depend upon.

The encounter was to be expected eventually.
I slipped his grasp just an hour or so prior.
Heart, quick thinking, pulled off the upper hand.
And I, I didn't stand frozen in fear.
I pulled back the bow string, and released it.
I saw my arrows hit their mark.

Was I afraid? Oh yes, and I still fear that one.
However, I am not frozen with fear.
I've grown.
Sehwyn Masys

Also: Semisi Joleim; Rayla Mardanel
Laila Folquin-Retired

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #18 on: June 19, 2011, 08:32:46 PM »
So many times I have gone to where I write,
only to end up lost in thoughts or
Well, for lack of better word for it, distracted.


Given enough time, even the seemingly invincible, are no more.
That which I feared most, defeated.
Ended in a manner permanent to his kind.
I still find it difficult to sleep without the dreams,
and I still jump at nothing.

I find my self thinking over recent conversations,
more so than usual anyway.
While I'm not certain I can trust her,
even less certain I can open up with her,
it's still a decent feeling to know she's there if I so choose.

There haven't been any second chances in my life,
until now. Well, Heart doesn't count.
I've got a chance, a second chance.
I'll show them who I am, and won't lose my temper,
no matter what words are used against me.
At leastÖ I'll try not to lose my temper.

I want this to work out this time.
Sehwyn Masys

Also: Semisi Joleim; Rayla Mardanel
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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #19 on: June 29, 2011, 07:39:41 PM »
For so long I've held fast to the thought no god's exist.
I've said it many times, sworn it to be my belief.
Marle gave me pause in that stance,
bid me read a book, and so I did,
and started to think otherwise.
But as she slipped away from who she was,
I slipped back to what I felt I believed before.

I still dream the dreams of the horrors in the night.
This last dream, I dreamed I woke to his talons.
He found me, even there where it should have been safe.
He pointed a talon to Heart, then dragged it over his throat.
Then bid me follow him, into the darkness below.

It was there, the stench as assaulting as ever, it came.
Mist, like what always surrounded Marle, alive.
It wrapped itself around my ankles, held me fast.
He was furious, bellowed his anger and reached for my neck.
And so there I was, pulled two directions, both ever so firm.

When I awoke, I was covered in dampness, shaking.
I crept out into the night air, back to the forest and my thoughts,
and it.
Only two know of it, and one I will seek out for his thoughts.
While I await the time to speak with him, I'll read what she has gifted me.


What harm can come in simply reading a book? Or two.
Sehwyn Masys

Also: Semisi Joleim; Rayla Mardanel
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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #20 on: July 17, 2011, 02:51:25 AM »
The land dies, neglected, stripped of itís strength.
Carved wood and stone leaving permanent scars.
Full of men hiding behind steel, slaughtering the life without thought.
Hunting down and taking blade to even the white wolf.
Iíve seen the land try to protect itself, try to heal,
only to be weakened once more.

It pains me to bear witness to such ignorance and cruelty to the land.
No longer must I remain caged, weak and fearful.
Iíve my own manner of prayer now.
When I was a mouse, I prayed to all manner of gods,
never hearing so much as a breath of a reply.
For so long I believed no god existed, but Iím wrong.
Perhaps a few do exist, with so many bleating sheep following them.
But they are weak and needy, greedy even.

For so long I felt almost guilty for relishing in embracing the thrill.
No, guilty is not the right word, for I doubt Iíve ever felt that.
I was lost, no longer a mouse, but still allowing fears to manipulate me.
I still feel fears, as I am human, but fears are weakness,
and I must be strong to survive, as I have no pack.

The way it feels when I release that part of me,
when I feed that ember and it roars to life,
when I offer my own manner of prayer,
only then does my heart slip free of its bounds,
only then, am I who I am.
« Last Edit: July 26, 2011, 11:29:51 PM by 3Piece »
Sehwyn Masys

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #21 on: July 26, 2011, 11:34:56 PM »
Am I so desperate to fill this void
that I'll cling to the first thing that makes sense,
even if I have no connection besides that part of me?
That ember that Heart has tried to dampen,
the desire I've been trying to suppress.
What if that's those whispers Grevis spoke about?

I was prepared to bring my questions to her, but she's been called back.
Perhaps it's for the best. I already have great trust in him.
I wouldn't have to explain things, urges, or tell things I've done.
He already knows, and there's no judgement when we speak.
And even if I turn my back on his ways, the bond will remain.

So many doubts, so many questions, so much to learn.
I've nothing to fear, so why then am I afraid?
I don't doubt his words, but they raise more doubts within me.
It's not as simple as it's made to sound, when you doubt, and fear.

Uncertainty, reservation, and more questions than answers.
Should I grasp what I feel and hear, allow the whispers to guide me,
or should I take the more difficult path, challenge the darknessÖ
Either way, I know two things with certainty.
I am not alone, and I am not a mouse.
Sehwyn Masys

Also: Semisi Joleim; Rayla Mardanel
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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #22 on: August 02, 2011, 01:44:26 AM »
I'm not emotional, in fact I feel very little.
I'll never understand Hearts emotions or ways
Never be what he thinks he sees in me.
Heart says I grasp at every straw, cling to bits and pieces,
but never the whole, never totally accept or become.
Yet he only see's parts of the picture, never the whole.

Are we both simply pretending to be something we're not?
This place changes all who are brought here.
The dark whispers lure us with promises and gifts.
It's easier to forget, to be dark and just enjoy the thrill.
The thrill of the kill, the staining of the ground in lifeblood.

It was easier at first, just trying to survive. Or was it?
Drawn to someone strong, wise, a guardian.
Now? Heart suffers, and so do I. But for different reasons it seems.
I have choices before me, and for once, I'm afraid to make them.

I've pinched myself several times in the hopes I would feel something.
Thrust myself into situations just to experience the thrill.
Then hidden away from everyone, to enjoy the seclusion.
Only to find myself opening up to the least likely to listen,
And finding something I never expected.

Heart deserves more than I can offer, more than this place will ever give.
Maybe he will wake up from his nightmare, far from here.
With a family, loving, secure, needed and wanted.
While I doubt it could happen, he deserves the best life can offer.

I'm trying, seeking this light they so insist I have within me.
Sometimes though, it's just easier to enjoy the thrill.
At least Heart and I have that in common still.

I'm torn, I'm afraid, and even with those I am bonded to,
In many ways, I am alone. Loved, but alone.
Maybe it's easier to just be a mouse again.

A fierce mouse, with claws, and shadows that whisper.
Sehwyn Masys

Also: Semisi Joleim; Rayla Mardanel
Laila Folquin-Retired

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #23 on: August 06, 2011, 11:49:30 AM »
By the time I returned to the comforts of the shadows,
my eyes were streaming as though Iíd been in tears.
My head pounded for most of the night,
even now it lingers, like a whisper I keep hearing.

While the building was impressive, what I saw of it,
I would never miss it should I never return.
So bright, driving out nearly every shadow,
even the whispers were stilled for a time.

Sat up there like nobility or gods,
clamoring for blind admiration.
Listening to them brought back memories.
Cruel, hateful, chaining up those who defied,
disagreed, those who simply walked a different path.
I remember the chains, the sounds of torture.
They are as cold and dark as I am.

[written in the margin] Was?

Even with knowing what I may one day face,
keeping the company I do,
I will not, could not, turn my back and leave.
I will not cower in the corner, a defenseless mouse.
I am not totally alone in this forsaken land.

Even a mouse can have big cats for friends.
Sehwyn Masys

Also: Semisi Joleim; Rayla Mardanel
Laila Folquin-Retired

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Re: Personal notes thoughts and scribbles of Laila Laelinus
« Reply #24 on: August 19, 2011, 08:35:55 PM »
And so the hunter becomes the hunted.
ShadowShark is the name Heart gave it.
Living where I find concealment and solace.
Drawn to me as my Skeith is, only not protective.

Perhaps Heart is right as he often is.
He was afraid, feels I was in danger.
I was not afraid, but then I recall little of what went on.
I remember the huge shadowy being, shadows around me.
But mostly after, when Heart insisted on overlapping light.

Surely they mean me no harm.
How could that which protects and heals, be a danger?
I am confused, curious, and doubtful.
Doubtful that Heart knows best.
One thing I am certain of...

How soothing it was to slip within the shadows once again.
Sehwyn Masys

Also: Semisi Joleim; Rayla Mardanel
Laila Folquin-Retired