Diary of Aniranya Hatanam

[talitha_kumi]

This is a dream. Though my senses tell me this must be truth, I cannot believe it. More likely Kanan has bested me in the arena yet again, and I am lying senseless in some forgotten corner until a nameless slave summons enough dregs of courage to rouse me.

But I do not dream - Master makes sure of that. He has no use for a slave who dreams. Or have I dreamed this before? I used to dream, I think. Long ago, before he found me and made me his. Before his shadows stole my will and I became his mindless puppet.

Could dreams conjure the coarseness of cheap parchment under my hand, or the odours from the kitchen below that serve to remind me just how many days have passed since I last ate?

If this be real, then Master is dead by my own hand. But if this be yet a dream, then these illusions are cruel. What use have I for hope?

If this be a dream, then I do not wish to wake up.

[talitha_kumi]

Three days have passed since the mists took me. And the people I have found here – I do not think that these could be Master's creations. Whether this is dream or reality, I do not believe that it is one of Master's traps. And perhaps if these are the last dreamlike moments before my death, perhaps that is not so bad after all. Master cannot touch me here.

Zach.

Master could not in a thousand years have imagined Zach. He told me of faraway places where even the poorest in their slums are born free, and where they do not cower in fear whenever a wizard walks by. He told me of paladins - holy warriors who take oaths of compassion and honour. Master has told me that paladins are nothing but foreign barbarians who plot to murder the red wizards. But Tetsara hunts only those who abuse something she calls the Weave. I confided in her who I am – and she did not strike me. Instead she told me that she had seen no evil in my soul. Whatever things I did in Master's willing service, the gods have not laid on my head. She said that my soul is clean, and there is no evil in me.

[talitha_kumi]

I have been remembering more, as time passes. Images of the life I led before the mists – where I came from, what was forced upon me, and the things I have done. Zach said that it is best to remember, even when it is painful. I am not entirely sure I wish to remember.

I was born in the slum outside the gates of the Citadel. I have no recollection of my mother's face. All I have of her is the lullaby that she sang under her breath to keep me quiet and hidden whilst his knights scoured the hovels for me. Master never forgot which of his slaves he had forced upon, and though my mother had tried to keep my existence a secret I was less than a hand of years when he came for me.

From that time forward, the training arena became my home as his weapon-masters taught me to dance with the blade. They would not allow me to see her, although I knew she still lived deep in Master's cells. The weapon-masters made it plain that the price of her life was my obedience and my growing skill. To falter or to turn away would mean her death. And so I learned.

[talitha_kumi]

Ninnie baba ninnie,
Mackhan roti cheene,
Makan roti hoa gia,
Soja baba soja,
Mera baba so ja,
Ninnie nina baba so gaya, gaya.

[talitha_kumi]

“Their knights tend to be groomed from birth to give their lives protecting their masters. Muscle behind the magic. Usually they place a geas on them to ensure loyalty.”

A geas. I never knew the word for his shadows. Anchored by blood, the shadows stole everything. Every thought. Every word. Every waking second was consumed by burning need to serve him – protect him - earn his approval. I forgot who I had been. Forgot even my own name. It was easier to forget – to allow myself to fall headlong into the shadows rather than to remember what he had done to me. Easier to allow him to steal my soul, than to face what I had done for him.

Something happened last night, I think. We ran into the city to find out why people were screaming – only to find an apparition tugging at her own mutilated body. She warned us that the Falkovians were coming, begged us to take the message to the citadel.

I woke in the dormitory above the temple. Zach was outside standing guard, waiting for me. That confused me. It's meant to be the other way around, isn't it?

[talitha_kumi]

I'm "interesting"? What does that mean?

I do not know what he wants from me. First a heavily enchanted sword that he offered me freely, but only if I fought for him. A few hours later, he offered to buy me plate armour to replace my red splintmail.

I think I would like the chance to discard the splintmail. Like my sword and shield, it belonged to Master. Everything I possessed was his - a tool to be used for his benefit. I think I would like to be able to have something of my own. But Zach says that every gift comes with strings attached if you look hard enough, and I must know if I'm willing to pay the price before I accept it. But - how can I know if I would be willing to pay, if I cannot tell what the cost will be?

If not for what he said last night, I might wonder if he wants me for his Knight. But last night - he was adamant that his greatest ambition would be to die protecting someone else. That makes no sense - it's meant to be the other way around. If the Master falls then the Knight's life is forfeit so, what would be the point?

I have no blood with him to anchor the shadows this time - but perhaps an abjurer lays his traps in another form? He knows who I am. Maybe his words and his gifts are the foundation of his own shadows?

I do not want to be a puppet.

[talitha_kumi]

I am a fool. I allowed Karas to browbeat me into accepting his armour - into allowing him a hold over me. I do not know what he wants from me, and I am afraid. I do not want to share his bed. I do not want to become his Knight. He is following me, now. Watching me from the shadows. I do not know what he wants. I learned at least what he paid for this armour. A fortune - it will take me a long time to earn enough to repay him its worth. But I have no choice. I tried to return it to him, and he refused to accept it. As long as I do not pay him, he has claim on me.


The letters are scored heavily into the page, overwritten dozens of times to the point of illegibilty
Armesadhi Hatanam is not my master

[talitha_kumi]

Blade edge shall not cut flesh
Blade facing shall not shatter bone
Blade tip shall not pierce heart

Strike not with blade
Strike instead with Heart

Heart's edge shall cut flesh
Heart's facing shall shatter bone
Heart's tip shall pierce Heart