Ruxandra Stanga; The Turmoil Within

[nakedxXbeauty]

Here I am once again, alone, and kicking myself for it.  I sit in the dark and ask myself how did I truly bring things to this point?  The ocean, the breeze, and the smell of salt air; they keep me calm.  At least calmer than I have been for the past few weeks.  Ever since the death of Lumi... my sister, I have felt as if I couldn't catch my breath.  My thoughts have wild and chaotic and I feel as if I will never be myself again.  This is normal, isn't it?  Grief is the only way to cope with such tragedy... perhaps this is not grief, but madness instead.

My emotions have been bottling up, finally spilling over in an eruption of anger and frustration.  I don't know why I do this to myself.  Maybe I truly don't have control... Elton is gone now, just like Alexi.  I didn't think it was possible to feel so scorned again, but I was wrong.  The fault was mine.  I owe it to him to be supportive.  I know how hard he works, and the dangers he puts himself in front of.  I don't know what I was thinking...

I begged him to come back, to give me another chance.  It was like having my life flash before my eyes, except much, much worse.  Knowing what true happiness is and then losing it because of one's own mistakes is the worst pain I've dealt with in my entire life.  I want to have the strength to let him go, to give him the chance to be happy with someone who he can love unconditionally... maybe I'm selfish, or maybe it's too soon... maybe I'll never get over this, and live to be an old, bitter maid. 

As I sit here alone near the docks of the Port, I ask myself what can be done to cure this pain.  I haven't touched a bottle since leaving Vallaki.  I haven't eaten since.... it is not clear in my mind.  Maybe it was yesterday, or the day before.  Maybe it doesn't really matter.  Does anything matter now?  I don't understand this person I've become.  I feel as if my body has become some host to an invader, someone out to ruin my life and leave me bitter, abandoned, and alone.  I'm paranoid.

I think I'll give up the hun-... I have to give up the hunt.  What was my reasoning?  Was it the desire to protect those I care about?  Was it the pain caused by my sisters death that made me feel if I didn't do it I would be betraying her?  All I wanted was for her to rest in peace... why did it become so much more than that?  When did it become so much more than that?  Thoughts are swimming through my mind and I cannot think straight. 

I close my eyes and I'm back in Immol, a child, carefree and easygoing.  Dimitry is there and we are sneaking about in the forest clearing.  It's noapte, and my parents certainly think I'm sleeping.  We lay side by side on our rock, trying to count the stars.  I hear Luminata in the distance, giggling and gossiping.  Pirates, that's what we were.  We were fearless little pirates with not a care in the world.  At what point in life does one lose the innocence and fearlessness of childhood? 

As my eyes open, the darkness closes in on me, washing away any ounce of happiness that remained in my body.  I sit in silence, doing what I can to remember when I became this monster.  Minutes, maybe hours have passed.  I'm tired, and hungry, but food and sleep are not a concern for those who have no reason to continue, right?  The first rays of sun shyly begin to show themselves.  I squint and wish that the darkness never left.  Maybe Vincent was right...

[nakedxXbeauty]

"Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime."

The days have begun to pass painfully slow.  My mind wanders from time to time, back to Vallaki and sometimes Immol.  I sit near the ocean side of the Port and write alone, watching the nobles from time to time.  I don't feel excluded, but it is clear to me that I am not quite accepted by them.  Yet.  I feel a sense of calm beginning to surround me.  Last night I slept for a few hours.  The nightmares were there, and I woke up crying, but rest is rest and it is something I have not had for days. 

I decided that staying with my parents is better than locking myself up alone in the inn.  The house was built to be an exact replica of the fine manor we lived in during our life in Immol. After waking I tiptoed across the hall and stood in the doorway of what should've been Luminata's room.... The grief was overwhelming and I couldn't keep from crying.  Mama woke and came to hold me.  We cried together.  Both mama and papa are asking questions.  Where is Elton?  Why are you not eating?  Why does your face look pale?   I tell them that Elton is extremely busy with work.  Even though it's over, I don't want my parents to hate him... perhaps it's that small beacon of hope that I hold, dreaming that maybe he'll come for me and beg me to return to Vallaki with him.  I cannot bear to hear papa say "I told you so" yet again.  I'm not ready for it.

Dragomir has been here since the day I arrived.  I left a note for him, and he came just as quickly as he read it, it seems.  He's the best kind of friend to have; loyal and honest, brutally so sometimes, but I appreciate this.  I know he will look out for me.  He has agreed to speak to Elton but I refuse to let myself be hopeful.  I can't bear to feel so hurt again. I wear the twin of the wedding band I gave to him.  I bought them special, for our wedding... It reminds me of him, and in a sense offers me comfort.  It's hard to explain. 

Papa is leaving for business.  He is worried about me, I know, and I'm sure suspicious.  The last time I saw him I was overflowing with joy and happiness, and now I am this empty shell of a daughter.  I know he doesn't need this, especially after what happened to Luminata... but I feel as if I can't pull myself away from this sorrow.  Not yet, at least. 

I met the most peculiar witch man the other day while cutting down bandits in a dark alley.  The man didn't frighten me, but he was odd.  His sword was aflame and he wore a white tunic.  I thought he would attack me, but instead he approached me and spoke of Ezra.  Warden Nell presented me with the first book during one of our first meetings.  This odd man gave me the fifth.... funny, since I thought there were only four.  The cover makes me uneasy.  I will ask the Warden about it when I next see her, if I do... I don't think I can return to Barovia, at least not at this time.  It's almost out of the question.

I'm alone here, save for my family.  I don't know how I'll react when Dragomir leaves.  I spoke to him about the thoughts I have when I'm alone.  He worries, and so do I.  Maybe that's a good thing; it shows that I care.  I'm desperate not to lose myself through all of this, but at this point it feels like a losing battle...

[nakedxXbeauty]

I laid in the tub for some time.... hours, perhaps.  I lost track of the time after my mind began to wander.  That seems to happen often lately, perhaps from the lack of nutrients my body is receiving... When I came to my skin was wrinkled and sensitive to the touch.  I went back to the once happy room I called my own and laid in bed.  No matter how many blankets I piled atop myself I could not get warm.  There's a vase of flowers on the nightstand, dead and dry... perhaps symbolic to the rest of my life.

I have come to the conclusion that love is a bittersweet poison, invading the mind of those who drink it and taking any wisdom that they once possessed away.  I wear the ring still, but have considered taking it off.  How can I possibly allow myself the chance of moving on if I keep this one piece of him with me... ?  Love is such a cruel thing.

My thigh is not healing, in fact it looks worse than what I remember.... What I had thought to be a few small cuts are actually deep wounds, piercing through my flesh.  It looks as if a clawed animal swiped my skin numerous times.  It will heal in time.  Pain has a way of providing relief... a thought I cannot explain.

Dragomir is worried, and I know I do nothing to reassure him, but I don't want to become a liar... all my life I have prized my honesty, even if others find it brutal... I won't deny the fact that my own mind scares me.  I won't deny the fact that I'm paranoid.  I won't deny the fact that at times, I wonder if unbirth is easier than life.

Do you feel sorrow after death? 

I wonder if it is peaceful...

For now, I will do what I can to make the pain subside, maybe by creating a different sort.  I have seen my sister more and more.  The hallucinations had stopped for some time.  The fact that they have returned causes me more grief than when I first experienced them.  What would she say?  How would she advise me? 

Don't let a man bring you down, Ruxandra, they are not worth it.  There are always others who would gladly accept you into their embrace.

I miss you, Lumi....

[nakedxXbeauty]

I sit here alone in this empty, cold room, listening to the sound of footsteps down the hall and patrons below; eating, drinking, talking about their days at work.  I ask myself, what is it that happened to Barovia?  When did it turn into a land full of undead, neuri loving citizens?  Where did the pride at what was once ours go?  The painful truth angers me, but then again when have I not been angry lately? 

Elton and I spoke last night.  It was painful, almost unbearable, especially to see him so emotional... I love him, and he loves me, but love is not and will never be a simple thing.  He gave me the ring that was intended to act as an engagement band.  It's beautiful, and no matter what the future brings I will hold it close to my heart.  This ring stands for a symbol of our love; a reminder of what once was and what could've been... I know I must let go, not for my own sake but for his. 

I have come to the conclusion that Vallaki is not and will never be Immol.  I feel like an outcast here, and it's obvious that few people want me here.  I know I'll never be able to let go of Elton if I remain, and seeing him so easily content without me is painful to a point where I can hardly bear it.  Port-a-Lucine will be my new home.  I have ever reason to want to move there.  My family would be close by, the work opportunities are endless, not to mention it's much safer than any place in Barovia.  Barovia will always be dear to my heart, and I'm certain I will visit often.  I don't know how I'll break the news to Dragomir.  He's come to be one of my closest friends and leaving him will be difficult.  Elton promised to come visit.  Hopefully I find something there to occupy my time with... being idle leaves me alone to my thoughts, and that scares me to no end. 

I wrote to my father last night.  I told him that I left Elton.  I told him that he was the best kind of man, but it was just not going to work.  If there's any anger from my father for this second failed engagement, I hope that it's towards me and not him.  I keep telling myself that things will get easier, but I'm not convinced yet...

[nakedxXbeauty]

I sit at the old wooden table in our room.  The first rays of shy sunlight begin to peek through the window.  Dragomir lays motionless on the bed, sleeping soundly in a tangled mess of blankets.  I feel at peace with myself, and with life.  It's the first way in months that I've felt content.  Things have taken such an odd turn, but I can't say that it bothers me.  I'm happy, and I feel that things are the way they should be.  I'm... truly happy.  This scares me.

I saw Bernard last night.  I spoke to him of the thoughts I've been having, and the things I've been seeing.  I allowed him to hypnotize me, and afterwards I felt peaceful.  He told me I have a fear of being parted from those I care about.  He said that stress is the trigger of the visions, so I should do what I can to keep myself calm.  This is easier said than done, but I fear if I don't make some effort to change things I will completely lose myself. 

For now, I feel as if I am in control once again.  It's hard to think straight when his arms and the softness of the bed look so inviting....

[nakedxXbeauty]

Time moves so quickly when everything is perfect.  Maybe this is some cruel trick to keep us from grasping reality.  The visions have ceased for the time being, and I can't say I miss them.  I feel a calm in my mind, although at times my anger surfaces in waves of aggression and frustration.  I miss Eliza.  After everything that's happened, I feel like I can talk to her about anything although I haven't had the chance yet.  The Bell isn't the same without her. 

I've furthered in my training which may or may not be a good thing... For now, it seems like it will be beneficial to me, but I don't want to abuse my own strength.  While in Port-a-Lucine, Dragomir and I fought side by side.  It felt good;  it felt right.  He asked me to join the militia.  I don't know how I feel about the idea of working side by side with Outlanders, and having to take orders from someone... I doubt I'll go through with it.

I think I'll ask Dragomir to take a trip to the Port with me soon.  I want him to meet my parents.  They'll be shocked at how quickly I got over Elton, but in my heart I hope they can feel at least somewhat happy for me.   They don't know what really happened, and I prefer to keep it that way.  I've decided to be baptized into the Church of Ezra, specifically, the First Sect.  I haven't told Dragomir yet, but in my mind I feel certain that he'll be supportive of my decision.  I don't know if he'd ever consider joining the church with me.  I won't worry about it now. 

I spoke to Elton about mediating a conversation between myself and Denisa.  I can't handle the hostility anymore.  It's driving me insane and causing me to feel on edge even at times when I should really be calm and relaxed.  I'm not one to humble myself, but I feel like this can't go on any longer.

[nakedxXbeauty]

Dragomir has been gone for days.  No word, no sign, no nothing.  Just... missing.  In my heart I fear the worst.  What is the worst, though?  Being apart from him is nearly unbearable.  I've been so idle these past few days, just laying in bed, only getting up to eat or paint.  I don't know what happened to that girl who first arrived here in Vallaki in search of her sister.  I feel like a dried up flower.  Things will never be the same as the once were, and I have come to terms with this...

[nakedxXbeauty]

Time passes at an agonizing, slow pace.  They days crawl by, dragging along as I lay alone.  The room is silent and the only thing I can hear is my own breathing.  Where are you, Dragomir?  The candles I bought have all melted down to the plates.  My paintings sit scattered about, the oil paints drying.  I don't eat in the dining room anymore.  I have no will to socialize or even see the faces of my fellow Barovian's. 

In the mornings I can hear the creaking wood in the hallway; peasants rising to begin their toilsome days.  The bed is lonely and cold.  I once thought it to be too small, now it is much too big when I'm all alone.  I've considered painting my feelings, but in my mind the only thing I can see is a canvas painted black.  Maybe I'm losing my gift. 

I've considered taking a short trip to the Port.  I miss my parents.  Bernard is right in saying I fear being alone, but here I am once again, pushing everyone around me away and secluding myself from any form of interpersonal relationships.  Tomorrow I'll go downstairs and eat and socialize... maybe.  Maybe Dragomir will return soon... maybe.

[nakedxXbeauty]

Dragomir, where have you gone?  What have I done?  First Alexi, then Elton, now you.  The days grow ever so longer and my time is spent alone, for the most part.  I forced myself out of bed today, and took lessons with Nell.  She taught me about the First Revelation, and Yakov Dilsnya... He was murdered by his sister.  I begin to worry that my ties to the Ezrites could in someway provoke Leo... time will tell, I suppose.  For now, I feel as if she will guide and protect me. 

The inn is quiet.  Denisa, Stelian, and that Bobboc woman sit at the bar and drink.  The door opens, the door closes.  There is silence and a stench of fear, but I will not let anyone know it.  Put on a brave face, and they cannot smell your fear.  My neck has healed nicely, and I think that after some time the scars will fade to a point where they are no longer noticable..  I have been feeling so tired recently.  Perhaps a fever is coming on, or effects from my attack. 

Once Nell finishes educating me on the important points of the Ezrite Faith, I will be baptized.  Dragomir... you were supposed to be here, but I feel that this is something to do, with or without you.  I trusted you. 

Posters have been fluttering about the city; propaganda.  This will lead to nothing good, and I don't want to be around when there is backlash and rebellion from all directions.  I thought the Outlanders were foolish, but this wave of drunken Barovian's who have crawled from their holes in the slums seems to almost be even worse. 

I have considered making a permanent move to Port-a-Lucine.  My mother has written me and begged that I return to her and my father.  It would be nice, the Port.  Good food, good company, a respect for the arts and a job alongside my father.  I cannot leave yet, not until I know what has become of Dragomir.  He is my love and I cannot give up on him just yet...

[nakedxXbeauty]

Life has been a hill of ups and downs lately.  I may be pregnant, and the thought of this both frightens and angers me.  Not only that, but Dragomir has been absent.. so absent.  I feel as if we're falling apart; holding on by barely a single thread with nothing to look forward too.  I've tried so hard, but these separations are taking their toll on me.  I know this is selfish, but I feel as if I've put every effort I have into making him happy.  Am I asking too much?  Perhaps I'm destined to be alone...

I'm planning a trip to the Port.  Adrian will accompany me.  I want to see my parents.  I need to talk to them... I have to tell them that there's a chance I could be with child.  They will be furious, but I prefer to be done with the conversation sooner than later.  They'll need time to grow used to the idea.  They'll need time to forgive me. 

Elton has been making things especially hard for me lately.  Or perhaps it is my own fault.  Maybe I should've distanced myself from him.  It's difficult, and I'm not sure if I can while living here in Vallaki.  Leaving me to protect me...? Never have I been fed such a load of garbage.  If this is so, Dragomir has all the more reason to toss me aside and walk away. 

The only thin I'm certain of anymore is my upcoming baptism.  Nothing will stop me and nothing will change how I feel, view, or trust in Ezra.  I'm not sure how my family will react, but I'm certain that it will not have any affect on me, no matter how bad they may think it.

There are rumors of Elton and Eliza.  I'm shocked by them and can't bear to think of it.  I know I should have moved on from such concerns, but when he told me he'd never be with anyone else I trusted his word.  I ask myself that if he came back to me, would I leave Dragomir for him?  I can honestly answer no, but I still don't understand why I feel so hurt by the idea of all of this?  I love Dragomir, and I truly think he would do anything in his power to keep from hurting me... but knowing that I couldn't make Elton happy, and perhaps someone else can is unbearable.  I'll speak to him before I go.

[nakedxXbeauty]

En route to the Port.  It feels good, and I feel free.  I spend my first night on the road at Midway.  My room is cozy and warm.  There are no windows, and I've lined the doorway with holy water and cloves of garlic.  The candles cast dim shadows off the wall.  In the hallway, I can hear the soft pattering of footsteps.  Knowing that I'm not alone gives me comfort.  I arrived just before sunset, and ate a light dinner in the tavern.  A young musician played soft music throughout the evening, filling the room with a sense of calm and ease.  In the morning, I'll soak in the tub before heading out for the Village. 

I left two sealed envelopes with Samvel; one for Adrian and one for Dragomir.  I couldn't leave them in the dark, especially Adrian.  He hasn't done anything to push me away, and my hope is that he will join me in the Port soon.  My parents will be glad to see him and hear of life in Immol.  I look forward to spending some time in the Port.  I think it will calm me some and give me a sense of hope to deal with the trials to come. 

Before I left I ran into someone who saved my life.  His name is Nicolai, and he is a talented smith.  Months ago I was foolish enough to risk my life fighting neuri unarmed to rescue a helpless man.  My lack of armor and shield left me badly wounded, and this man aided me, even knowing that I was... a Barovian witch.  He fed me and tended my wounds as best he could.  He stayed by my side until it was safe to go back outside.  I owe my life to him, and I intend to repay him in some way.  I just don't know how yet.  Meeting him again lifted my spirits.  He is kind and genuine; both qualities that are even hard to find in some of my own people.  On my way to the village I will collect a few small bundles of oak for him. 

For now, I will spend the rest of my evening reading through the Books of Ezra, and studying my prayer book.  After, I will write to Nell, just to inform her as to where I am and the thoughts that are going through my head.  I want to be baptized as soon as possible, but her and Warden Draven must both be present.  It is important to me. 

[nakedxXbeauty]

Being in the Port calms me.  Everything about it is beautiful, for the most part.  I love the culture, the food, the architecture.  My room is large and comfortable; a wonderful change from the small, cramped room of the Broken Bell.  I've set up my easel and purchased some new, high quality paints.  When I'm here I feel as if my imagination knows no bounds.  I wake up, eat a large breakfast of sweets and coffee, and then return to the inn to pain my morning away.  I spent my first afternoon here in the huge library. 

I haven't met my father yet, but I suppose this is a good thing.  I need time to gather my thoughts and figure out how I will break the news to him without breaking his heart...  I feel almost as if the Port has cleared my head.  I feel quite certain about my feelings for Elton and Dragomir, and it seems as that I can now let all jealousies I feel towards Elton regarding others can be freed.  I will write to Elton and apologize... once again, for how immature and foolish I've acted, and how poorly I've treated him.  I want him to find happiness, even if it isn't with me.  I have Dragomir... and hopefully things with him will work out.

I met the most pleasant woman this morning.  She's a seamstress who has come to the Port in search of silk.  Her hair was long and white, almost silvery silk, though she didn't appear old enough for such.  Her name is Elle. 

For now, I will get as much rest and relaxation as I possibly can.  Perhaps I will see about selling a few more of my paintings, but I will not concern myself with it too much at this point.

[nakedxXbeauty]

Rest has never come as such a sweet savior.  My body continues to ache as if my insides were twisted into many knots, pulling and stretching me into a state of never ending soreness.  Today was my first day of bed rest.  It's not what I thought it would be.  I imagined being bored; restless.  Instead, I have slept through most of the day, waking only when Marilena enters the room with platters of her delicious home baked food.  I eat as much as I can, though after only a few bites I feel sick.  The pain itself has lessened since yesterday, but I'm still in quite a bit of discomfort.  After my evening meal, Marilena warmed a folded towel and laid it on my belly.  It seemed to ease the knotted muscles.  She made me a cup of my favorite tea and talked quietly to me until I fell asleep. 

I have no idea the time that it is now.  I know it's late into the night.  The hallway is silent.  People have not yet begun to stir or prepare for the morning work.  I have yet to write to my parents.  I feel that, despite the fact that I don't want to, I need to tell them the news in a letter.  I doubt that they will come here so that I can inform them face to face.  It's important for them to know before something further happens. 

Dragomir has been working hard, spending nights at the Citadel and seeking information on Le him.  He wants the best for our family.  He wants us safe and sound from any form of danger.  I trust him and I must put faith in his judgment.  I don't want him to worry and I know when he hears word of what happened he will be anxious to see me and be with me.  I need him to feel reassured that I'm fine, and will bear him a healthy child.

For now I will follow Doctor Larcen's orders and spend at least five days resting in bed.  I can tell my body needs the relaxation, and perhaps it will be good emotionally as well.  I long to have Dragomir here with me, but I know he's working hard and will be with me as much as he can.  Eliza shared her secret with me, and mine with her.  I feel that she will do her best to protect the baby and I.  That gives me a sense of comfort and ease. 

[nakedxXbeauty]

I feel even stronger today than I did yesterday.  I managed a few steps around the room. Doctor Larcen says it is important to prepare myself for full mobility.  He said I will be extremely weak at for, at least for the two days I am officially off of the bed rest.  Marilena stopped by a few times today.  She brought me a large bowl of succulent stew filled with vegetables and meat, and a loaf of soft, still warm bread.  She also left me a jug of milk which I drank throughout the afternoon. 

I had Marilena take a note and some coins to Mariska who, hopefully, delivered him a basket of sweets at the Citadel.  I miss having him by my side every night, but I know he's doing good things and once he's finished he will be with me as much as he can.  I look forward to this, especially since things have been calmed so much due to complications with the baby. 

I'm still waiting for Marilena to speak to the Red Vardo about fashioning the most exquisite cradle possible.  Also, I still need her to seek out the seamstress "Elle".  I need someone with a skilled taste in the art of fashion who would be willing to create a wardrobe for the baby once the time comes closer.  I was so nervous at first, and almost... disappointed.  Now, though, I can see how much I truly do care and how much this really does mean to me.  It's an exciting time. 

I'll spend the rest of my day resting and drinking the tea that Doctor Larcen made me.  He's been taking very good care of me, running tests and making sure my body is healing.  Tomorrow I'll try some more walking.  Doctor Larcen promised me he'd bring me another book to spend my time reading.  I woke up a number of times last night, but the pain is much more bearable today.  Hopefully I'll be able to sleep through the entire night and wake rested in the morning.

[nakedxXbeauty]

The time has come just as I knew it would.  I put it off for as long as I could possibly stand, but I feel I can take no more.  I'll admit, I haven't been the same since finding out about Luminata and I fear I never will.  This is something I can and have come to terms with even if those who claim to care about me never will.  My belongings and person have been moved to the Port.  My old bedroom is restocked with my items; it once more looks like someone inhabits it.  I finally admitted the truth to my parents.  They were both furious at first, feeling as though it was irresponsible, which it truly was especially seeing the predicament I've put myself in now.  After an afternoon of anger they are both speaking to me, promising to hire the best doctors to keep watch over me and the baby.  My mother is urging me to be wed and I told her that I wasn't sure how Dragomir felt.  His long absences from me seem almost... purposeful.  I fear this move will be the last straw in his eyes and he will choose not to come to me.  I left him a note telling him I would understand if he needed to just.... let me go.  Deep in my heart I pray that he won't.  The thought of being without him tears me apart.  I don't know how I would ever bear it.  I tried sticking things out in Vallaki, but it has proved to be futile.  My nerves and heart can't take it.  Perhaps my past haunts me.  Literally.  The fear of Vincent, Lavinia, and even my own blood, Luminata, lingers on me frequently.  I know the stress is bad for both myself and the baby.  I may consider moving back after the child is born, depending on the state of my life and personal relationships.

I sent my crates of artwork ahead with Jespe.  Caterina promised to store them for me.  I plan on speaking to her further about finding potential buyers.  I desire to begin my next collection soon but I don't feel that I should until the old pieces have been auctioned off.  Perhaps Les Chats will offer something which can keep me busy.  It would be beneficial for me to have something taking up my time and keeping my mind off of certain subjects.  I rented out a room at the Governor's though I do plan on staying in my family's manor.  It's nice to have a place where I can get away from everything and truly be alone to do work. 

Luminata's room has finally been cleared and converted into a small home office for my father.  I cried when I saw it, but I know it's healthy for my family to move on from such tragedy.  Dwelling on those loved and lost will not allow us to move on with our lives in a healthy manner. 

I plan on having my father write Doctor Larcen a letter, asking him for a visit to the Port so that he may share his records, charts, and information on myself and the baby with the new physician which my father will hire.  I doubt Doctor Larcen would be willing to travel back and forth so frequently just to make sure I'm kept healthy, so I think this plan will be a compromise for everyone. 

For the time being I remain at the manor, resting in the living room and sipping hot water with lemon and munching on freshly baked almond cookies.  The hired help, who is almost as close as family, has been very supportive and encouraging of my situation.  They are glad to see me back and I must admit the atmosphere here is so much easier to rest in than that of the Broken Bell.  I will miss Eliza dearly and I even wrote her a note telling her to visit anytime, even though I know it will be rare for her to do so.  For now I will rely on the support of my family, despite how upset they are with me, and begin to move on with my life and stop dwelling on the past.  I wait for Dragomir with hope and love though have already started to prepare myself for the worst.

[nakedxXbeauty]

My time is divided between the Port and Vallaki.  While in Vallaki I remain hidden safely in my room.  The door is sealed with garlic and I don't leave the building without my robe and mask.  I fear for my safety as well as the safety of the baby.  Dragomir has been working hard on an important case, but he promised me that we'd be wed soon.  He comes to see me at night.  There's nothing more comforting than falling asleep and waking up with him at my side.  He has a way of being so understanding of me.  Sometimes I take him for granted.  Sometimes I take my own happiness for granted.  I've promised him I'll try to make more of an effort to show him how much I really do love and appreciate him. 

My paintings are safely tucked away in the Port.  Two have already been sold, three will be shown to private buyers, and the remaining five will be sold at auction.  Caterina and Constanze promised me that the event will be huge and bring much more attention to my artwork.  I hope this is the case.  I will be starting a new collection soon.  I have already begun drafting ideas for a few of the pieces.  This collection will feature both canvas paintings and a few sculpted pieces.  I plan on working mostly from my parents house and my rented room in the Port.  I'm on good terms with my parents now, despite the fact that they still show a bit of disappointment at my current state.  I feel that once Dragomir and I are married my parents will relax a bit and show a bit more excitement for the baby.

I told Constanze to contact my father.  He may be willing to donate a piece or two of his custom made jewelry to the upcoming auction.  This would be helpful to Les Chats and also make my father proud, I think.  I plan on  taking Dragomir to the Port and introducing him to my parents after the wedding.  This is a choice that I don't want my parents involved in.  I know that my father will automatically assume Dragomir is marrying me for the money, which isn't the case.  My parents my not approve of Dragomir at first.  I don't worry for my sake but for his.  I want him to feel welcomed and accepted by my family. 

At this time I'll continue to move between the Port and Vallaki, depending on what business needs my attention.  There is also the problem of Denisa... This seems to be an ever growing thorn in my foot.  Dragomir has asked me to wait until he's met with the vam them before I concern myself with the matter of her.  I made no promises but for now I won't seek her out.  If I do bump into her I'll do what I must, but until then I'll sit and wait things out.  I just pray that he stays safe.  I've longed to speak to Nell.  I'm feeling myself stray and I need her to help me back onto the right path.

[nakedxXbeauty]

Business has been moving forward at a steady speed.  I feel confident in the work I've been producing, and even flattered that I have those willing to represent me and help me find buyers.  My time remains still divided by Vallaki and The Port, though i have to admit that I do prefer being in Dementlieu.  I miss Dragomir.  As usual, he's working hard to provide us with a good and safe life.  I'm grateful to him for this but I wish we had more time together.  The work he does makes me proud and I know he believes in it.  This is all the justification I need to be so willing to allow him to be away from me so often.

The baby's been growing steadily.  I've made sure to keep a healthy diet as suggested by Doctor Larcen.  I've noticed changes in my body.  My stomach has begun to swell, though at this point it's hardly noticeable.  Doctor Larcen warned me about traveling and the effects it can have on the unborn.  Thus far I've been careful as to keep my trips slow and steady.  I take the boat as often as I can to prevent myself from having to walk long distances.  It would be much easier to find a doctor here in the Port who could cater to my needs but for some reason I doubt I'll be able to find someone as skilled as Larcen who isn't some type of witch or cultist.

I'm currently sharing a room with a number of Les Chats.  The shortage of suites and the lack of Dragomir or even Adrian around to watch over me makes me nervous.  I spend most of my days relaxing and resting as well as drafting up new ideas for paintings and sculptures.  I've recently entered contract with Les Chats and will soon be having another contract drawn up between myself and the Vardo. 

I had another meeting with Bernard.  I asked him to hypnotize me again.  Just as the last, I was extremely relaxed afterwards and I can't wait for the next session.  I'm not sure how hypnotism even works to be honest, but I just know that after the process I feel as if I awoke from the best night of sleep that I've ever had.  At this point I'll do anything to keep myself calm and healthy both physically and mentally.

[nakedxXbeauty]

There is nothing more comfortable than being curled up on a soft bed with a book in hand.  As I write I ponder over all of the events of these past few days.  Some are good, some are bad.  Some cause confusion and others concern.  Right now, all I can do is feel excited for the upcoming events.  As I stare across the room I gaze upon my dress; pressed and fluffed, waiting to be worn to the ball tonight.  Suzannah has decided that three or four of my pieces will be on display and that if private offers are made they will be considered.  I'm nervous to see how people react to my new medium creations but if they are anywhere near as loved as my paintings things will be fine.

Still no word from Dragomir.  I just want him to know that I'm safe and always thinking of him, no matter what's going on.  He is my rock and without him I feel a bit lost.  Kitty says that love is somewhat of a curse.  It makes you unable to depend completely on yourself.  In a sense she's right, but I feel that all the dependency is worth it in the end.  When you find that person who makes you completely whole and happy it doesn't matter. 

I'll spend the rest of my day napping and relaxing.  I've completed my latest collection and I feel as if it's time to rest my creative side.  I've been milking it dry and I need time for it to recuperate.  Of course, if I do get any ideas I'll work them out but until that happens I won't push anything. 

[nakedxXbeauty]

My latest session with Doctor Larcen has eased my fears and concerns.  He assures me that the baby is strong and healthy and that I am doing all the right things to care for my own health.  I'm beginning to miss Vallaki.  I feel idle here in the Port.  Events have come to a stand still thanks to the never ending stream of murders.  How hard can it be to catch one person?  Honestly.  After my rent for the suite in the hotel went up I decided to move to my parents once more.  I've been feeling a little more tired each day, which is understandable for my condition.  I often stand in the doorway of what would be Luminata's room.  I wonder what she would be like if she were here.  What would she say to me about the baby?  About Dragomir?  I can come up with a few ideas, but none for sure. 

Dragomir.  He is on my mind constantly, yet I feel no bitterness for the amount of time he spends in his work.  I had hoped we could be married before my belly began to swell so noticeably but I hold no ill feelings towards him for the fact that we haven't yet.  It will happen in time, one way or another.  I can wait for him and I will.  My parents have yet to meet him and I suppose that is possibly a good thing.  At least for his sake...

My thoughts are of Vallaki; Adrian, Eliza, and sometimes even Denisa.  I'm not sure if she resides here still but I do wonder about her at times.  Did I misjudge?  It's possible, but then again not likely. I haven't seen or heard from Nicu for months... I hope he's well.  I know he's always meant well.  Sometimes I suppose I come off more harshly than what I intend.  When I get the chance to return to Vallaki I will make things right.  For the time being I will remain in the Port with my parents, resting and relaxing under the watchful care of my mother.   I know she is still disappointed in me for becoming pregnant before Dragomir took me as his wife but I can tell she is excited.  She shows it in subtle ways and I appreciate that.  Even my father has the slightest trace of excitement.  I just wish Dragomir was here more often to share this with me.

[The_Reapers_Wraith]

It's been a long time since I've found the time or courage to open you up dear journal.  So much has transpired.  The baby is gone.  My body was not strong enough to carry him and he died.  Bion said he felt no pain and his life after will be calm and peaceful.  Things fell apart after this happened.  Dragomir was spending a bit of time outside of Vallaki.  We slowly began to lose touch and our relationship crumbled completely.  No words can express the sorrow or loss I felt.  It's hard for me to reflect on the past knowing that for a time I was happier than I'd ever felt.  Having that taken away from me so quickly is a hard tonic to swallow and I'd rather dwell over other things.

On a lighter note my latest collection of sculpted works and pieces of finery will soon be auctioned off.  After what I feel was a failure of my last auction by Les Chats I'm nervous.  Suzannah is very trustworthy and one of the best, if not the greatest, merchant who I know.  I'm sure she will do right by me and see that my pieces are sold for a price which they are worthy.  I have been spending quite a bit of time in Dementlieu mainly for the reason that my artwork is much more appreciated here than in Vallaki.  I'd rather stay away from that land... it brings nothing but pain, sorrow, and sadness.

I feel like I should express my thoughts on Bernard Du Bourg but in all honesty I'm not even sure what to think or say.  When I'm in his presence I'm captivated by him but when we're apart I hate him so much.  He's a horrible, vile man.  No better than Alexi with his scandalous desires for an affair.  I pushed him, in fact.  I don't know why and I don't know what I feel I could gain by doing so.  Either way I came to my senses and told him I was not a lady who would allow a man to share affections on her and another woman, especially one of such weak, lesser birth like that fey he bed's.  I've asked Suzannah to gain information on Dimitry.  I saw him at my first auction.  I was with Elton at the time, and Dimitry of course had two ladies accompanying him.  He seemed interested in me which makes me think that he's hardly forgotten about our past.  With my luck he's already betrothed to another but you never know. 

My time now will be spent drawing up sketches and beginning a set of pieces for the Ezrite temple.  I must confess that I've lost all confidence in the faith and even question it's existence.  After the poorly handled sermon I last attended I'm not sure if I want anything to do with the church.  The only reason I stay is because of the kindness that Warden Ward and Svari have shown me since I showed up there after my attack.  I've told Warden Lavoie that I need to see Nell as soon as she's available.  Despite my dislike for this newer Warden I will do my best to stay on her good side.  She may be of use to me.

[The_Reapers_Wraith]

I suppose I do not even know where to begin.  It has been over a year since I last had the urge to pick up a quill and write.  Many things have transpired in these last few, long months.  Dragomir is gone.  To where I do not know.  Since I became ill I have heard no word from Les Chats.  Have they all left the beautiful Port?  Have they sought after new artists?  

Today was my first day out of my parents manor in over a year.  Pathetic, I know.  I felt unable to face the world in my poor state of mind.  Things look nearly the same as the last time I saw.  Perhaps I will try drawing again... though I'm not sure I'm ready.  I suppose I will take each day as they come.  

[The_Reapers_Wraith]

Many things have transpired since I last wrote.  I am feeling much more like myself these days.  I suppose this is a good thing, but it's also frightening as well.  I believe I've finally come to terms with the fact that Dragomir is gone.  Where is gone?  I can not say.  Gone could be death... it could be abandonment.  All I know is that it has been over a year since I last saw him... Fate is a strange thing.  Perhaps I will someday understand it, but for now I feel scorned by it.

Two days ago I met a man by the name of Henri.  He was most interested in my artwork and claimed that he had attended one of my auctions.  We spoke briefly of Dimitry though he claimed he had no idea who he was.  He promised he would make a few inquiries and leave word for me at The Governor's Hotel.  I am still waiting.  After talking with Henri a young girl approached me.  She gave me news that Dimitry was well and had recently thrown a grand soiree.  I have not seen him for quite some time.  I doubt he even remembers me, but I can still hope.  There is something that tells me to be patient on him.

I met a man here in the Port by the name of Absalom.  He is a hin who is trying to rebuild the good name of the Theatre.  He is quite anxious to feature five of my pieces in an upcoming auction.  Two of the pieces are old works that I did before my hiatus from art.  The other three pieces will consist of two paintings and a sculpted work.  I have been unable to finish anything I've started as of late.  This is very strange for me... normally I have no trouble coming up with ideas but lately my mind has become blank halfway through the creation of anything.  I suppose I will just continue trying.  Perhaps I will find the motivation soon.

On a lighter note;  I spent today out of the house and enjoying the city.  Upon taking a tour of the Maison de Cire I came upon a man painting one of the scene's.  The work was done beautifully in pastel's.  He captured the emotion and depth of the scene perfectly.  I came to find out that the man, Sergei was his name, was a Barovian native.  He is a handsome man with a very charismatic demeanor.  We finished the tour together.  Once we finished he walked me to Chez Leon.  We spoke briefly.  Sergei will, if all goes well, be doing business with Joseph Fogg.  His favored artwork is much more scandalous than what I am used to.  I am anxious to learn how his meeting transpired.

[The_Reapers_Wraith]

Barovian winters are bitter cold, just the way that I remember.  I have arrived at the Bluewater and claimed my old room back.  How strange it is to be here... I feel so at home being in this place that I was once so happy to be rid of.  My first few days here have been dull, to say the least.  I have had the pleasure of meeting a new resident of the inn.  The man goes by the name of Zavier von Servovich.  It seems that he has come to Vallaki in hopes of parting from his father.  He's a handsome man though appears to be somewhat... helpless.  For the most part he seems like a well mannered individual and took a great interest in my love of art.  I think we will get along quite well. 

Last evening I had the chance to meet two members of the...improved Vardo.  Captain Vasco Silivasi and... some red headed man who's name I didn't catch.  Both were quite handsome and well mannered.  They spoke to Zavier of business while I listened in.  I should've taken the opportunity to speak with them about the contract that I have, but it will give me a perfect excuse to track them down at a later date.  For now I will focus on getting myself settled in Vallaki.

Since my arrival I've made one stop at the temple of Ezra.  Absalom was in town and I must admit it was somewhat of a relief to see him and his little fiance.  I have heard nothing more on the whereabouts of Warden Ward.  I worry for her and greatly wish to see her once again.  I owe so much to her.  She was always a good friend to me. 

[The_Reapers_Wraith]

Perhaps returning to Vallaki, or even Barovia in general was a huge mistake.  It seems that hardly anyone has forgotten about my past... scandals.  I suppose this makes it all the more fun, but I am getting tired of random domn's coming up and throwing my failures in my face.  I have yet to find any form of inspiration in this cursed city.  In fact, I feel more uninspired than when I arrived!  The only thing that is encouraging me to continue to try to paint is the fact that Domna LaFleur suggest I donate a few works to be auctioned off in a charity to aid the poor and sick in Dementlieu.  This gives me reason to press on with my goal but I need not overwhelm myself with frustration.

On a side note, I had the opportunity of meeting the Outlander named Michael.  I had heard of him in the Port but was unsure that he actually existed until tonight.  He is the man I have to thank for seeing Vincent slain.  And people say Outlander's are useless.  Maybe having an affair with one of them would give me some inspiration.  Or... give me a bit more scandal and gossip to deal with.  Probably a terrible idea.  While I'm ranting about affairs, I must admit that my mind is still stuck on that Barovian painter, Sergei.  I know so little about him but continue to crave seeing him again.  I've asked a few people here in Vallaki but to no avail.  For all I know he could still be in the Port.  The last I knew he was going to be doing some work for Joseph Fogg... perhaps he is the one I should be writing to in order to get more information.  For now I suppose I will just wait and see what happens.  It is no secret that I'm in town.  People love to gossip and I give them plenty of that.  If he is in Vallaki and truly does want to see me, I'm sure he will be able to find me.

I need to start thinking of things to fill my time with.  Focusing on the fact that I'm having trouble painting is just creating more pent up frustration.  Celine has me thinking... I have an ungodly amount of money sitting in two bank accounts.  Perhaps this is my chance to do something to help others.  Maybe I should begin devoting my time to different charities.  I will speak with her about this and see what she thinks. 

[The_Reapers_Wraith]

I've finally begun to paint again.  It's taken me some time to really find myself loving it, but I'm painting and that's what matters.  I've completed one painting thus far, have begun two others already, and have an idea for another as well.  I suppose this is a good thing, as it will keep me quite busy.  A new domna has arrived in town;  Daciana Starkovich.  She's a sweet girl and already we've become good friends.  Unfortunately the poor thing was attacked by a vampire a few nights ago... proceeding that attack were two others which left a handful of men at the Bluewater dead.  How hard is it for these idiot guard's to realize that they obviously need a security increase?  Leave the brains of the operation up to the women, as two domna garda's accompanied by a domn who "retired early" showed up last night.  One of the women told me that the guard would now be including the Bluewater in their patrols.  About time someone used their head.

Zavier has been hired to work at the Citadel.. unpaid.  An unwise choice, if you ask me.  He hopes to gain a spot in the life of politics.  If that's the case, he's going to need to work on not judging every single person that he comes across.  I don't think he realizes how much power some of those guard's have.  He will find out soon enough, I'm sure.  He's pleasant to be around, for the most part, but I will admit that it grates my nerves when he talks down to people he hardly knows.  Perhaps that's the business side of  me speaking.  I guess I just grew up knowing that in order to get what you want you have to give people a chance.