Zefram Ster - Diary of a psychopath

[Marius]

((This character is quite insane. Everything you're about to read is supposed to sound ridiculous, and some of it will make little to no sense. I look forward to developing this character with all of you.))

It’s quite amazing where the portal in the basement of the Friendly Arm Inn has led me. Barovia, you’re my new lover, we’re going to have so many children together… I’ve established that much of the populace tends to be rude, ignorant invalids.. oh how I want to lick out their brains and make them adore me – but, in due time I have a feeling those who share such cruel words will be powerful allies! Yes, yes indeed.

There is one man though from Sigil named Caidrac, I like him, I wont harm him. There is a woman here named Aliss that reminds me of mother. She is cruel, and tries to assault me with her cane – perhaps she is mother? I HATE YOU MOTHER, I HATE YOU MOTHER, I HATE YOU MOTHER, I HATE YOU MOTHER, I HATE YOU MOTHER, I HATE YOU MOTHER, I HATE YOU MOTHER, I HATE YOU MOTHER, I love you mother.

I’ve learned about several groups thus far but the one that interests me the most call themselves the “Zeklos.” I was told by the Morninglordians to avoid them, which of course makes me seek them out more. If the Morninglordians don’t like them, I will. WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY?! If I don’t find out, I will take my vengeance out on orphans and use their entrails as fertilizer for my rose.

I’ve been having hallucinations again, but I think I’ve finally figured out why; it’s because my mind is so perfect, yes, it has been handcrafted by Lord AO himself! I’ve always wondered, who created Lord AO if he’s the God of gods? I’m starting to think that I am the one who created him, how else did I get to Barovia? That is also why, I’ve been having these visions… I pictured the barkeep in the Lady’s Rest melting from a horrific fire… then I saw some patrons of the Inn getting their eyes plucked by rabid crow, it was so beautiful yet so horrific at the same time. The locals seem to love my stories, but how could they not? I only speak the truth.

HAHAHAHAHA, even more astonishing news! The undead rove Barovia! Rove Barovia? Yes, Rove Barovia! Xzar would be so happy. Oh how I wish he were here, this land would be our playground and we would piss on the land and grow DEATH.

If I meet one more person with apostrophes in their name, I’m going to rip out my rib-cage and use it as a xylophone. They have to stop it, right now, right now... do they not understand the complexities of such a horrible never-ending brood of filth? Nonetheless, I love them like my very own bastard children.

It is my hope and dream to die and live as one of those who mock life… Xzar would be proud of me… remember, life gets you when you sleep Zefram…we can never go to sleep…

[Marius]

Caternina Fumosa or Kitty… is the queen of Barovia. She answered every question I had about the Zeklos; what an absolute peach of a woman! Victory is mine and soon I shall show the world that the end is coming; for the darkness is the feces of the moon…. I promised her I would fetch her herbs in return for the content of her brain; a wonderful trade!

Sometimes I sit and wonder what people are thinking. If they’re thinking anything bad of me or my rose I’d like to walk over to them, bash their face in with a bludgeoning weapon and watch their brain slowly ooze from their eye sockets… then perhaps the mockers of life will feast upon the offerings. Sometimes I get sick of this nice act I have to continually put on, I want to just walk up to someone and break their nose. In due time you fool, in due time….

Yesterday a woman named Anya Von something or other lost her two pathetic children and now she sits in the Morninglordian temple all weepy. I’m glad your children died, perhaps if you kept a better eye on your two diseases of kindred they wouldn’t have gotten themselves killed. B-O-O H-O-O. Maybe I can make you feel better by laying you down in your bed chambers and having my way with you. When I’m finished I’ll make fun of your dead children and make you take your life like Douglas. I hate you!

 I think the people of Barovia are crazy…maniacs, insane, lunatics! A bunch of think for yourselfers they are! They fear the night, the NIGHT??!?!!? Xzar would laugh and spit in their faces. The undead need soil for their seed to grow. Xzar always said we are their seed… WE ARE THEIR SEED!

I love it when people say, “I don’t have a story to tell you Zefram.” Then burn yourself fool!! Well I do have a story for those crazies…my mother once told me she watched a man get hung when she was a little girl. She told me when the rope went around his neck, his head flew off, rolled on the floor and kissed her on the big toe. I think that’s the only good thing about my mother. I wonder if it was the head that told her to beat, burn and hurt me? She was such a wonderful wench.

One day I will get my revenge on the Flaming Fist… just you wait and see you silly white page you… don’t laugh at me… DON’T LAUGH AT ME!! Exile me from my own home? I will kill their pets first, so they can suffer the little things in life… Then I give the lads a good shave… but the blade will accidentally slip and cut the white right off of their eyeball so they will have the ability to truly see what they did to us.

If Caliban really do steal babies then when I rise to power they will be my selected, blessed warriors and Lord AO will be my second-in-command. Cultist, cultist, cultist… I need a cult, but it wouldn’t be a cult because I would preach truth. I would love my followers, care for them and scare them to sleep. One day my name will be known to all, and I will be loved and feared.

I slept in Bervis the Beekeepers shop today… the stinging of the bees is comforting… when I woke up I found a letter, written in blood “We laugh at your mental anguish in life, why don’t you join us in death…” HA! Ha…. Xzar must have blessed me before coming to these lands!!! They see my mental prowess and they’re coming! Those who mock the living are coming…! I will give them the ale of life, and we shall be merry.

[Marius]

Who, what, where, why, when and how?
That is all my mind knows now.
Repeating like the metronome,
Fearing that which I do not know.
My thoughts are like a buzzing bee,
The pest in which I only see.
Why doesn’t he leave? Get out of my head!
I swallow this herb, and now he is dead.

Page, I cannot stand when children whine… “I want to go to Grandma’s mommy!” Well guess what? We’re not going to Grandma’s house! I cut her up into little pieces and I’m going to use them for confetti at your birthday bash… There is nothing more that I hate than a whining pest. When they piss and moan in that high pitched voice it makes me want to kill them, their mother, everyone around me and myself. Children are a festering disease.

I had a dream last night, I buried myself alive. It was wonderful… I was in a coffin… it was so dark, so quiet, still like an untouched glass of water… life could not get in, but slowly every last breath of existence was coming out. It was an orgasm of death, so very splendid… when all of the air was gone, I could feel my lungs collapsing, seeking oh so very hard to succor on the essence of life, but all they received was the miracle of death….

I tried to explain to a naive Elven girl named Tat-something-something what love was after a brief discussion about my rose. I should have told her the real truth about love. Love is a lie. “Oh let me give you these flowers so I can plant my face between your arse cheeks,” not truly “Oh here are some flowers because I care about you.” Honestly, who would spend coin on someone just to tell them “I care about you,” they do it so they can bathe in their fluids and bask in filth. I love myself. I LOVE myself. I don’t want to bury my face between my thighs; though I would if I could…I’m ready to die.

Everyone stands against something in Barovia. Be it a wall, a tree, a rock, a shrub, a tower, a boat, a goat, an ox, a mink, a fence, a building, a sign… perhaps they don’t want their souls sucked out from the back of their neck; I have news for them, they have no souls, they are my children and I am the keeper of their souls. When I see someone standing up against a building I simply think to myself, “I own you, you are my slave and I want to violate you.” I can stand up against anything I want though, I created AO.

People should be enlightened by looking at the world through my eyes. I pity those who don’t have the abilities that I possess. For instance, I can feel the grass growing… I can convince people to do things they don’t want to do. Here you go miss! Take this herb right here, it will make all your troubles go away, yes indeed, yes indeed! She dies and I do what I want with her rotting carcass; delightful, isn’t it?

Sing me a song bard! Sing me a song bard! Sing me a song birdie… blah… when are they coming?! When are the mockers of life coming!? Who are they? I can’t sleep, for I may miss them.

[Marius]

Jenilee is a mocker of life, an image and a vision. I will not harm her, no, never. She came to me at night under the shimmer of the stars. The note has come true, yes… true and true it has… Soon my plans will be complete, and my ruling of Barovia will become a reality. She will be my left hand, for my right will cut out the hearts of all who oppose His Supreme Lord Zefram, creator of Lord AO. If you are not with me, you are against me… my take-over will begin in several stages…

Stage one: The great deception. I must continue to befriend those who reside here in Barovia, yes… more friends. A Lord needs vassals when he rules. I must continue my friendly front, my kind touch… my inspiring music… and then when the time is right… my intentions will be revealed… our take over will begin with Vallaki and move to other settlements.

Stage two: Conversion of friends. I must begin to convince my friends and allies of my divinity; I shall do this through my music. “How could sweet Zefram lead us astray?” How could I? They must see that I am the being of light, creator of Lord AO himself. Worship me and the rewards shall be endless. Barovia will be our holy grounds, it is here that the portal in the Friendly Arm has led me and it is here that I shall stay. If my friends will not join me when the plan is revealed then I shall will rip out their bowels, their kidneys and spleen. I will then force feed the other unbelievers their entrails to sway their decision; if they still refuse, I shall continue until the very last non-believer is dead; my friendship is not easily betrayed.

Stage three: Conversion of others. My friends and I shall spread my word to those who are unfamiliar to Lord Zefram. Those who will bow down to Lord Zefram will prosper. Those who refuse shall suffer “The judgement of Lord Zefram.” A mink will be placed on the unbelievers face and a large metal container will be forced over the mink. A torch will then be placed close enough to the container to heat up the environment surrounding the mink. Naturally the little critter will try and escape, his only way is through the non-believer's face; it will be a beautiful sight to see! My judgment will be performed in front of all to see. I am a kind and forgiving God so those who wish to change their mind are free to do so.

Stage four: Conversion of faith. All temples will be destroyed and new temples of Lord Zefram will be built in new locations. Mordinglordians and Ezrites will have the opportunity to worship me but if they refuse they will suffer the judgment.

Stage five: Cleansing of taint. All of my Caliban warriors will seek out the children of Barovia and exterminate them. Children may seek vengeance in the future, and I shall not be the one to give them that opportunity. Only children born under those ruled by Lord Zefram shall be allowed to live.

Stage six: The final movement. New laws shall be set forth and followed, I will have utter obedience from my new followers; if they fail to accept my greatness, they will be set ablaze and I will not even piss to put out their flame. The undead will have free reign of the living, there will be no burnings, no witch hunts… it will be utterly wonderful… I hate all of my children equally. All wizards and sorcerers will be gathered forth to discover a method of travel between Barovia and other planes… this will be kept secret, and no one will be allowed to use such portals except Lord Zefram, his left hand and others that I see fit...

I must go for now page. I must get these clothes to Jenilee… yes… it has begun…

[Marius]

Jenilee and I still see each other at night, though our meetings are becoming more and more brief. Why? Do they not take my plan seriously? Do they not know me? WHERE ARE THE CLOTHES I GAVE YOU?!? Someone should die for this…

Sabel is a very sweet girl, follower of Tempus; a good friend you see page? No harm will come to her either. When the time comes she will be a good ally to have during the domination of Barovia. I think she’s in love with Caidrac; they would make a great couple – though I hope it wouldn’t interfere with the domination of Barovia. I think I would let them both use the portal that I will open…

I miss Xzar, such a good friend he was. I wonder what ever happened to him? Did he find out about the iron shortage? Is he even alive? I remember the time we decided to go on a little adventure near Candlekeep. There was a nearby school with children playing outside; we couldn’t help ourselves he had to make their pissy little lives miserable. It was they way they looked into my eyes; it was as if they wanted to latch onto my soul and barter it off to the first whore that came walking across the yard. Their crimes couldn’t go unpunished so Xzar used a spell to transform one of them into a badger; quite funny. They threatened to summon the Flaming Fist upon us. This wasn’t acceptable. Pissy little brats aligning themselves with monsters such as the Fist… they had to die… I lured them closer by with one of my cheery songs. Tehehehehe! Silly little idiots, they fell right into our gripping hands and Xzar finished them all off with a swift fireball. The best children are cooked children. I should have ate one of them so they could be apart of me forever, reminding me that children are diseases.

It’s snowing in Barovia; the nights are becoming even more hauntingly beautiful. I’ve seen people slain by horrid creatures in the middle of the night. It makes me want to rent an inn room and have fun time with myself – death excites me page, you excite me page… Jenilee excites me page… soon death will become more and more prevalent as those who challenge my word will live in the ground where they belong.

People think they can push me around because I carry a flower… what does that even have to do with anything? I carry a flower because I love myself more than them. Just because the only people who love them have lost their minds to the endless notion of “Oh here we go, lets not make nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice.” Say uh, what happened to him? Shut the hell up you green idiot, can’t you see I’m enjoying myself in the cemetery alone? I killed him, drank his blood and kicked his head around like a ball. What the hell does it look like you oversized bean?

Someone asked me if I have even seen prison or been in one. Stupid question, go drink some piss. We are prison. We’re prisoners of life, I’m doing my time and so is everyone else that prances around thinking they’re some great being because, “Oh I’m in the Red Vardo,” or “I’m an Ezrite,” how about, “I’m a Morninglordian.” No you’re all prisoners of life. My salvation will come through death, when I walk the world at night and seek the innocent, when I rule the land of Barovia. Everyone does their own thing, that’s great… I do what I want, if I want you dead, I’ll take a dagger, slit your throat and peel your face off and wear it as a mask if I want to. Oh, you’re going to put me in prison if I do that? Go ahead, I’m already in prison, in my mind, and so are you. I’m the warden in my own prison though, these fools think they’re their own warden, but they have no grasp on reality.

Same person asked me, “Zefram what are you afraid of?” I fear one thing; I’m afraid of living. Death is salvation. I do things over and over and over each day like I have some curse, see the same people outside the Lady’s rest, doing the same thing, talking to the same people. I’ve seen people day in and day out that have never even walked up to me and said “Hello! I’ve seen you every day, but I wont say hi.” but the mockers of life, the undead, befriend me at night saying “Hello Zefram, we like you.”

I can’t see how anyone would fear death, living is too hard.

[Marius]

Today I saw a woman carrying a baby around like it was a pumpkin pie. Oh how I love pumpkin pie... Little does she know it will have to die when the cleansing of taint begins. How could she be so foolish to carry around that disease in a place such as this? She deserves for it to be taken and eaten like a crouton on a salad. I can see it now, someone picking it up and tearing it down the middle like a piece of parchment; how wonderful.

I need to start looking for a queen to help me rule Barovia when the time is right. There are so many options but honestly, who can I trust? I met an Elven girl named Aeverie, very charming – yes indeed. I was introduced to her by a Zarusian that supposedly abused her, not really my business. There are so many pearls that walk around, but are any of them for me? What would happen if I revealed my intentions to her? How would she react? What if I told this lady that I wanted to murder someone and make pasta out of their hair; their bile being my sauce? Is she loyal? If she betrayed me I would have to end her existence. Loyalty or death, there is no other way about it. Maybe one day I will find my queen and all shall be…

You know these Druids have a good point about not hurting animals. I love dogs, honestly. A dog is truly a friend; they’re always happy to see you, they love you unconditionally, they’re loyal and they usually do what they’re told. If I killed a person, good old Rover would be right there wagging his tail. See Page, Killing children is okay because a child will grow up, have delusions of grandeur and eventually think he’s some kind of this, that or the other thing. Kid grows up to be some kind of big bad adventurer thinking he’s something he’s not; he may even try to kill me. A dog isn’t going to hurt me, and if he does it’s because it was raised by someone who should have been killed when they were a child, proving my point to be correct, just like I said!!!! The only thing is, Druids would take it a step further and have sex with the dog, no thanks.

I met a thief today also named “Kittie,” the pisspot won’t tell me her real name quite yet. She seems promising, though I don’t trust her. When I mentioned how a bard could be used to do evil deeds she seemed to get wet in her knickers, so maybe I’ve got something good. Nonetheless she will be a good addition to my court, perhaps even my queen if she’s good enough for the one who created AO.

I “accidentally” set one of the rooms of the Fisherman’s Lodge on fire today. Whoops! The owner wasn’t very happy, especially when I threw hard liquor onto the searing flames which irritated them even more. Oh well, maybe he shouldn’t be so damn fat.

Ah, Jenilee came to me again during the night. Honeycakes? HONEYCAKES? The things I do for her… HONEYCAKES?! It was like a knife coming though the dark which pierced my heart… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Looks like we’re all a bunch of people who need each other now? Eh? Right?! “Ah it’s just Zefram he doesn’t know this, doesn’t know that,” that is what the first person I killed said. Same goes for that Wizard, he underestimated the bard, called me this and that, brushed me off, took nothing of a bard…. Guess where that is going to land him? Well his skin is going to fertilize my garden and I’m going to make knick knacks out of his kidneys. The assassin’s blade shall pierce his neck and not a finger of mine will be raised...

You see… fools believe bards are weak…. I explained this to that pisspot Kittie. She asked me, “Well aren’t bards harmless?” Harmless? I gave her this example: A rogue murders a family, steals their goods and runs off. A bard, knows this man and his evil deeds but spreads word that he is a kind, charitable soul. Harmless? I never told you Page, about the time back home at Baldur’s Gate which specifically relates to this teaching. There was a man whose wife had died, boo hoo, get over it right? Well in any case, his wife became fertilizer and he was very distraught about the incident. Douglas was his name and he turned to a bard for, “inspiring music to lighten the burden on his mind.” Well, I was a bit curious at the time, I wanted to test my powers… you see we never can fully grow unless we test ourselves? Right Page? Right. Anyway, I invited him into my Inn room where I was going to sing him a song or two to “help him.” Of course, he thought nothing of “harmless Zefram” and followed. When the door closed behind him he collapsed, cried, and spilled everything about his pitiful situation to me; what a little baby, I know. At first I reassured him, manipulating him into trusting me a bit; the asshole got tears on my good shirt, but soon he would pay for it with blood. After a song or two, Douglas, the idiot, got a hold of himself and would finally listen to my reasoning. I explained to him that sometimes life isn’t worth living anymore, no point and no reason. I reassured him that walking through life was like trudging through marshlands and that in death he would find salvation. He took my word as gospel; I handed him a knife, he thanked me and slit his throat right before my very eyes. The blood came down like a waterfall of rubies… it was one of the most amazing works of art I had ever seen. I was his savior, through death he found salvation.

[Marius]

I met the family. Oh how I wish I had a family like that. All three of them, perfection. When the takeover is complete they shall be the royal family of Barovia. Jenilee tailored my new outfit. It looks absolutely debonair; she’s quite talented.

It upsets me how people come and go. I see so many new faces each day that I don’t recognize, it’s starting to really frustrate me. Today the outskirts were bustling with people; I only knew about half of them. Where are they all coming from? What is going on with these mists….? They’re going to be devoured just like all the others who gallivant around dancing like the whores they are on the inside. You know what they do? They bitch, they piss and they moan... “close the door!” Come here and scratch my back you silly bitch-wench. Piss on them, and piss on this Barovia ruled by Strahd, his days are numbered…

The other day a great door appeared before my very eyes, it had lips! LIPS! I hope this door isn’t a minion of Lord AO coming to spread lies about me… no, I doubt that… this silly door spoke in riddles saying something about a man wielding light as a staff. I haven’t the slightest clue what it’s talking about… perhaps this door can get me back home, though I’m not sure I’d want to go back. If anything I’d return to get Xzar, yes… I’d introduce him to Jenilee, he’d love her. I wouldn’t invite Montaron, fat bastard… those two never really got along, always had the feeling that Montaron wanted to eat him like a baked good while he was sleeping.

Caidrac and Sabel wanted to take me to Port-o-whatever. I hear it’s quite far away. It might actually be a wise idea to go there, I need to scope the place out for the takeover. They’re a bit more tolerant of others, not that I give two pisses in a pot.

Hey Page… have you ever had one of those days that no matter what you did, who you talked to, or how much effort you gave it just never seemed like it was enough? HAHA PAGE! I thought so! You know what I get a lot in life? "You’re crazy" or "hey Zeffy, what’s up?" I never get an answer to my many plaguing questions, or a response that even shows that someone can read my mind. I understand, I do, Barovia just isn’t the place to find someone like this, but who gives a damn? In response I open you up every so often and I write, not just here, but everywhere! Perhaps I do it in hopes that someone can actually read my mind.... but still I get nothing. I endure the pain and frustration of day-to-day life with little motivation to even see why it matters. I get this way because they will miss me when I’m gone… but for some reason, I don’t believe that to be true. Sure, there will be some grieving for what they lost and how they will cope without it, but after that, it’s as if I never was... like dust in the wind... a dream that will never be.

These guards in Vallaki remind me of the Flaming Fist more and more each day. Fools they are! But you see Page… I'm the evil and malice that lives inside of them. I live in each and every one these guards. “FEAR THE NIGHT! FEAR THE NIGHT” they preach… These “outlanders,” are going to keep going into the night because you tell them not to! It’s like an idiot child you put in a room with a jar of cookies; "don't touch those cookies," you tell them. The kid never thought of touching them until you told him not to. You through the outskirts and tell everyone “go inside at night,” now you just planted the seed of exploration into their minds, I think you should let it grow. The guards only give the outlanders their frustration; they give them their anger; they only give them the dreadful part of themselves rather than the “grand” part of them; they’ll never listen.