You have been taken by the Mists

Author Topic: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within  (Read 14719 times)

Kilaana

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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #50 on: July 27, 2009, 12:43:18 PM »
Month 14, Day 5, Hour 22

In these times of darkness, I thank thee Ezra that there is light and hope. I thank thee that you surround me with friends, and whether or not one may find them foes in future, I cannot of course ascertain, but should not one enjoy life as it is for its moments?

Commander Fynolt, it seems, has been excommunicated from the Church for his actions. From his portion of the tale I can sympathise much, though I cannot disagree that his attack on the Warden Poisson was, in all consideration, too hasty perhaps...? It is so hard to assess when one was not at the scene. Fynolt mentions something about his actions as having done it for the greater good, and that the Vallaki congregation fails to see beyond that. I myself, despite my regard for Warden Ward in particular, have to agree. Are they perhaps over-cautious, to the point of complacency? Sometimes I think it is so. It pains me to know that they, in larger part, still condemn my Saint despite Fynolt's report that she brought Poisson back to life. Have they hardened their hearts just as they accuse the Fifth of hardening ours?

Yet still do I find myself associating with the Fifth, if only in my thoughts. How should I explain it? How do you suddenly hope to denounce something in which one saw a measure of truth in once? I do not condone what Wurtbeich has done against Vallaki, yet what if his prophecy was truth? Yet, such a dark truth it is....and how dangerous a truth it can be. ...How can I continue to believe if by doing so, it brings harm to the innocent? Indeed, how could I adhere to the words of a Bastion who would willingly do such deeds, and then endeavour to cleanse himself of sin, and hope to be redeemed?

As for this man Raul, I know not what to think of him. He possesses the courage, of course, but he is brash in his ways, and lacking the subtlety that would be the hallmarks of a Templar. He has expressed an interest in joining the Faith, but I still have my doubts. He no longer goads me with ill-placed wit, but somehow manages to lay bare all my insecurities, my flaws. ...Wretched man! Why should I continue to care for him! Yet I do not understand why I feel the way I feel for him; his logic seems simple, so clear, almost too black-and-white; he is, like the eye of a storm, and I the restless winds about him. I suppose I should find it incredulous that I find myself relaxing when he tells me not to worry so much. And what about him? Does he worry for anyone even, or is he truly as insensitive as he makes out to be? Who is this man? I confess I cannot understand him at all, except that he infuriates me in a way no one has ever done before.

Dawn will come in a few hours, and I shall seek Warden Poisson's audience. I believe him to be a man of fair reason, perhaps he may share his opinions on Fynolt and my Saint, Ezra willing.

« Last Edit: July 27, 2009, 02:35:27 PM by Kilaana »
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Kilaana

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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #51 on: July 27, 2009, 09:18:27 PM »
Month 14, Day 6, Hour 6

Dawn arrives, and my candle burns low. My belly cries out for nourishment, yet that too is overshadowed by these thoughts which have kept me up for the better part of the night.

I recall again the conversations I have had with my Saint Marle and the Wardens of Vallaki. The rather inflammatory cautions and testimonials from Erik Draven. The way I walked into the Great Cathedral at Levkarest with Bastion Wurtbeich and brothers of the Fifth, withstanding the stares, the accusations, hurled like rocks against our souls. For the hundredth time it seems...I wonder again if there is really any truth in the Fifth Revelation. For if Ezra, in all Her divinity and mortality, in Her place among the Mists where She sacrificed Her liife upon, could see the immeasurable task laid out for Her faithful...could it not be possible that, in Her infinite wisdom, we would need to be as one with the Legions in order to fight them eye to eye? And yet this fight would not so much be as a physical battle, but a spiritual one? ...And then the question remains, perhaps - what else would I have been willing to sacrifice for this faith? My life? Just like my Saint Marle...would I have been willing to allow the Great Scythe sweep down and render my soul from my flesh, lingering in the flicker of life and in the shadow of death, for Ezra's cause?

My friends warn me otherwise, of course. The good Wardens argue strongly against such a notion: This would not be Ezra's will, to demand that Her faithful fall for such a cause. That this was not the compassion of Ezra. Yet it is difficult to resist asking in return: How do we know this isn't Ezra's new message for us? How do we ascertain that She, in Her great wisdom, did not intend for us to fathom the light to be found in the darkest, darkest deeds?

Yet more and more I recall the recent actions by my Saint Marle which were the reasons for my leaving the Keep and the resignation of my duties as Toret. I still am unable to come to terms with how violence was used to settle what seems to me merely a small matter of inappropriately and ill-expressed disfavour of the Faith by an unbeliever. Who are we to judge those who do not agree with our ways? Should we not occupy ourselves better with endeavouring to understand their prejudices, and presenting them with the truth that they may find more reason to know about Ezra's compassion? ...Such a simple concept, yet both sides seem oblivious to how much they are unconsciously disassociating themselves to Her intent. Violence gets us nowhere, and prejudice does no better!

I have considered paying my Saint a visit, if only to tell her what I believe about the Bastion to be true, and to hear her opinions again on this. I wish so much to reason with her, to talk to her and hold her cold hand in my own warm one, to find out what madness has taken hold of her that she should resort to such violence. Yet part of me knows that reason may never find any ground with her, and to return there would indeed be fatal.

I knew her loneliness, and I was her friend. Did she ever view me as such? Can a Legion care for a mortal in such a way? Perhaps she endeavoured to demonstrate it...I recall the times she healed my wounds at the expense of her health. Perhaps that was her way of expressing her affection for me, in the best way possible for one unliving such as she. Yet her heart beats, and blood flows through her veins. She is Ezra's devoted, yet as Vallaki would say - She has gambled her soul with the darkness, and what mortality that now grants her the ability to be amongst the living, is ill-gotten. Is this truth, or is it again a biased judgement?

Warden Poisson's words come to me now: "Do you not think it vain to try and remake ourselves in Her likeness?" How true his words are! Yet how much I wish to respond, and say, "Why should we not, indeed? For She is the example by which we follow!" Alas, I am too late, and perhaps I doubt myself too much to affirm such a reply.

However, I must not forget one thing Draven said to me. He mentioned how Ezra cried in great distress in the presence of my Saint Marle, that she was tainted and of Legion. Yet I have heard Ezra speak in our chapel, urging Unuldor to protect Saint Marle when she was in pain. ...I pray for Your guidance, Ezra! What is truth and what is deceit?

(the next line seems to be added, as an afterthought, with the weight of deep contemplation after the above prodigious entry)

"...And the absolved shalt be; in the flicker of life, and the shadow of death."
« Last Edit: July 27, 2009, 09:46:18 PM by Kilaana »
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Kilaana

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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #52 on: July 28, 2009, 11:50:37 PM »
Month 14, Day 9, Hour 22

For a moment, I thought my life would finally be at its end.

The garda, I know not his name though I recognise by voice, must have been tipped off. Boots was right; he was not in his uniform, yet he demanded that our hoods be removed while we enjoyed drinks in the tavern. Granted, the garda seemed a lot less aggressive than usual, yet I shall never know fear again as the moment I did as was asked. Now, it all seems a blur of of images and voices, but I still recall Boots coming to my defense with as much bravado as his little body could carry. Yet amongst all these I shall not forget the accusing stare that burns my soul as he stood over me, reciting such familiar passages from the Fifth.

What surprise it is that this tidy figure - in darkest midnight and a face that would have been more handsome were it not for the perpetual arrogance writ upon it - did not choose to put me away in a cell! Despite what I can see of his obvious prejudice, he allows a sliver of chance at allowing me to roam freely as I do now. Compassion? I dare not assume he could be ever capable of such an emotion! Or could I? Of course, I understand his distrust; the same distrust that Vallaki shows me. I have naught to hide, however. My shame perhaps, in not being more vigilant? Have I not sought hard for answers, for truths, only to be denied by some, and told half-truths by others?

He fascinates me, this man whom they call the Inquisitor. A man who carries himself with great control in his mannerisms, yet whose soul wrought with a certain hatred for everything apart from himself. ...Why is this so? What things has he seen in his life to warrant such a violent storm within him? For a person with the weight of responsibility on his fair shoulders, perhaps there is reason enough for his narrowed view of the world - much like a sieve, sifting the precious wheat from chaff. Complacency, is it, weak-willed, that he mentioned when we spoke - nay, argued - of the Pure Hearted, echoing this very same thought of my own. ...I hesitate to write further, for I should attempt to look at this from more perspectives, and with more evidence to support such a statement. Yet there is that feeling in me once again, that this day, he and I agreed upon something, even though he knows this not.

Yet how can I express what I feel for Saint Marle? She is condemned a monster; yet can I say this is true? When I worked alongside her, were not her intentions good, given what she knew and endeavoured to share with me? But then again...what else did she not share, what other secrets did she keep from me? ...Why, my Saint! What have you not told me?!

(the above last few words are pressed deep into the page, the ink dark and heavy, the handwriting frustrated and angry)


Patience, Sable! Calm. Prejudice and anger never garners any good! This I write again: Saint Marle, as much a victim of the twisted machinations of the Mists of Death, and that compassion shall be her final redemption. I write this, and make my mark against the page, that I may seek to know more about the woman she was and is, and in doing so, I shall on the contrary not bestow hatred nor prejudice towards her, but look upon her as one whose soul fought to stay faithful, yet was lost to the Mists. How and why, may Ezra reveal to me the truth in time.

I shall end this entry here with mention of the man Raul. Simply put, he baffles me. Sometimes obnoxious to a fault, and saying the right things at the wrong times. In other moments he demonstrates a good intellect, yet the Warden Ward and I agree that he must learn more subtleties before he can hope to enter the Faith.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2009, 12:02:41 AM by Kilaana »
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Kilaana

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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #53 on: August 02, 2009, 12:28:36 AM »
Month 14, Day 17, Hour 8

Morning is beautiful here, if only for the moment. Even this grey city, as Saint Marle would call it, has its bright corners, just as Ezra teaches us that there is hope in darkness. I hear the song of birds outside my window, and feel the summer breeze against my cheek. Again, thus, do the final words of the Fifth Scripture come back to me - "Glorious in the vestige of virtue, each soul a cleansed spark that would bring succor to the bleak Hollow. The Mists of Death come, and the flock absolved shalt be; in the flicker of life, and the shadow of death."

I know the Scripture of the Fifth by heart; many times have I studied it during my time in the Keep. Endeavoured to understand it, and sought a message of hope in its texts. At the time, as my Saint Marle explained to me, that the spirit fills every fibre of our being, and not simply our heart or mind. This was the teaching of Bastion Sarlota Otrava, of course, she said, and thus it was why we would bear the lashmarks upon our ownselves, purifying our spirit of our sins. To me, sin represents the mistakes every mortal soul would do in his or her lifetime. Intentionally or not. Just as those who have committed crimes out of malicious, purposeful intent, so should they repent and absolve themselves of their mistakes if they truly regretted what they have done before. And so I sit here, wondering again the crimes against Vallaki that Wurtbeich - dare I say again, Bastion Wurtbeich? - committed. I know now that the records of his misdeeds are true, but what of its circumstance? How indeed did Wurtbeich receive such a revelation from Ezra? Was it a coincidental result of his guilt over having performed such a hideous, cruel act that led him a new insight to pen such words, urging us to accept ourselves as less-than-perfect beings and turn to Ezra for succor? If that is true, then why are these words that he has authored, seem on retrospect, so frightening, confusing?

...My thoughts now turn to Miss Lyndis, whom I truly hope that You, oh Ezra, will extend, in Your infinite compassion, a hand to protect her from the ills that haunt her in these dark days. Perhaps I ought to applaud her efforts to speak out, to attempt to change things for the better. If only those of the Home Faith and of the Pure Hearted had more of such courage as she...! But I fear she is but a seashell adrift in the open sea, and now the tide has turned against her. I pray, oh Ezra, that You may give her the peace and love she deserves for such a woman of courage.

I must pen here the regret I feel for last evening, whereby my actions contributed to such an unpleasant and abrupt end to my friends' enjoyment of a late wine and supper. However I will do anything in the name of defense, for my friends, and not in the least Sylas. I cannot imagine what Lady Bianca must have been thinking when she employed that waitress! ...The girl seems too familiar....was it Camila..? I remember clearly that voice; just a few nights ago she seemed to be very helpful to Wulf and Sylas when we kept watch outside for vroloks. Still...there is no excuse for discrimination, and indeed it was -I- who paid the coin, and so should that girl have served Sylas the same soup as she did Raul and I! ..and let us not, of course, forget that barbarian Kayne, whose insinuations against me will turn on their heads and bite him back someday. Until then, I hope he enjoys the dishwater soup that I threw in his arrogant face.

I am grateful to Raul for being in my company of late. Though I have come to understand him a little more, and he is not as shallow as he makes out to be, I fear very much for his life if he should spend too much time in my company. Celor has attempted to remind me of the very same thing, but I do not like the way he tries to make me feel guilty for "converting" Raul. I think it not a very fair thing to say, for it was Raul's own choice to seek this calling. ...In addition, I find it infinitely odd that Celor should advise me to speak to Dagon about my Saint Marle's attacker, instead of telling me the name himself when he so clearly knows. Perhaps he does not fathom the dangers I would run into if I reveal myself to one of the Fifth's brethren.

And yet...I should mention that there is slowly a little less reason for me to hide as much as I do. I long for the freedom to answer when a friend calls out my name, and I admit I have done so sometimes when I think it is safe. I am only human, Ezra...forgive me, for this road is so long. I am lost, but ever Your faithful, and seek Your guiding hand.
« Last Edit: August 02, 2009, 07:31:24 PM by Kilaana »
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Kilaana

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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #54 on: August 02, 2009, 10:11:10 PM »
Month 14, Day 20, Hour 21

I lie awake in the darkness, and for once my bed is warm. For once, I no longer feel alone. Still, sleep eludes me this night, and so I write here by candlelight, careful not to disturb his slumber.

We are watched, as I have been warning Raul so often; the trees that have eyes, the winds that have ears. He seems to have taken it upon himself to watch over me, just as I realise that the other Ezrites have been watching our movements so carefully. And today still, I thank thee Ezra, for the protection of Kolgrim.

...Dear, dear Kolgrim, the one and only person I dare call family in this harsh lands. What is Kolgrim, you may ask? A friend? A brother? A lover? A guardian? ...To me, he is perhaps all of the above. Perhaps even, beyond definition. Alas, I realise perhaps I have a tendency to put him on a pedestal, so to speak! But I do so with the knowledge that there is truly no other who faces me down with matters of the soul, wades through the waters of fire and ice with me, and emerges at the other side hand in hand still. It is Kolgrim, who stays behind, and encourages me with his own brand of strength and courage, when everyone else has walked away. But Kolgrim does not bend himself to accomodate me, my Goddess! And therein lies the beauty of his person. He holds himself steadfast, perhaps at times too much, to his opinions and perspectives on the world. Yet it is with this that he shows me what I fail to see.

And it is with much frustration that I write thus, for not even words may put to comprehension what Kolgrim means to me, and how he touches my soul. Should anyone find this journal someday, may they also have the good fortune of finding a friend like Kolgrim is to me.

As Master Simon has so aptly pointed out, the man Kayne seems to have become more of a threat than a passing annoyance in recent days. For a person of such great strength and physical prowess, I find it a pity that his wisdom remains wanting in so many ways. If it were so, perhaps Kayne might have made a worthy addition to the Militia. I fear his capacity for spiritual guidance is as limited as his intellect, so I cannot even suggest what good he might do in Ezra's name. Kayne is not a stupid man, but I fear he may be foolish in the way he allows his primitive ways alone to drive him. In deep contrast is Raul, whom I have much opportunity to study. He smiles too much for my taste, yet there is a feeling I cannot shake, that that smile conceals a mind sharper than what he really wishes everyone to see. Yet much of him reminds me of Unuldor - the reservation, the unwillingness to trust, perhaps. A surprise today, to hear him suggest to me, that he is a dislikeable person! Such a self-awareness, speaks much of his sensitivity.

On that note, I should mention also one Henry, a soul whom worries me very much indeed. Elves even in my homeland have somewhat of a prickly reputation at times, but Henry....what words can describe him? I find his philosophy extremely interesting, yet his ethereal manners and melancholic ways worry me. Something about him....disturbs me deeply.

It is late, and I must end my entry here. I hope tomorrow brings me a reply from Warden Ward on the letter I have sent her.

Ezra bless and keep us all in Her safe hands.


« Last Edit: August 02, 2009, 10:29:03 PM by Kilaana »
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Kilaana

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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #55 on: August 04, 2009, 01:08:36 PM »
Month 14, Day 24, Hour 1

The hour is late, so I will make this entry brief. Winter is upon us once more, and I wonder what new horrors the bitter cold will bring.

Some nights ago, the Mists of Death pervaded the land around the inn and outside the city walls, larger enmasse than any I have seen in my time here; emerging from their grasp were numerous Legions of the Night - Beasts that rendered the flesh, and Stealers of mortal breath. With much haste did I seek to exterminate a few of these with well-placed arrows, and with the help of some friends, but they kept coming and coming! Over and over, the words of Raines clamoured in my head!

"The Time of Unparallelled Darkness falls fast upon the Land; we live in days of dying light! Signs and portents surround us, and only those who admit Ezra's light shall be spared."

Fear. Fear gripping me, choking my throat, staying my hand! ...the great Juggernaut of Flame, charging towards me as I hastened to seek the whereabouts of my friends. I felt wretched and weak, and I despise deeply the moment of doubt in my heart as I fled. Would that I should have stayed and fought back these Legions of the Night, but they kept coming....and coming...!

Oh Ezra! Have I been weak?! Is this the prophecy of the Fifth coming to light?!

I must redouble my efforts on focusing on the studies of the Scriptures, and indulge further in prayer. Yet I desperately need the guidance of those who call themselves Faithful; I require the affirmations and knowledge that the Wardens and Templars carry with them, to shed new insight on my path. Fortunate am I to have been present for Warden Poisson's sermon - I have waited so long to hear more from this man of wisdom. Yet it would simply be foolish of me to linger in the Refuge of the Fifth Light...I am not part of their clergy, and while they demonstrate much compassion towards me, I know I am outside, looking in.

It is with some distress that I close my entry; Raul, my companion of late, seems to have found something in me to hate. I am at a loss as to how I have offended him. He demands to know my whereabouts and what I've been doing, and seems to take every opportunity to suggest I have been up to no good. He is not behaving any better than Kayne in this regard, and certainly I am not his property or anyone else's. The other thing that worries me is Vasten, former Templar Commander of Ezra. He denies the eyewitness report that he was felled in some incident outside the inn, and was brought into the temple to be revived. Piecing this alongside his past attacks on Unuldor and my beloved Sharia, and of late his questionable behaviour towards the Warden Poisson, I begin to suspect something is not entirely right within him...or at least, something he might not wish to truly acknowledge within himself.

I should take some chamomile before I go to bed and hope this headache does not worsen.

« Last Edit: August 04, 2009, 04:51:33 PM by Kilaana »
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Kilaana

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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #56 on: August 04, 2009, 05:14:43 PM »
(This particular entry, unlike the previous ones, seems not to begin with a date or time. The words, written in print, are straight and careful, as if the person behind it put much thought into it before writing it down. Around the edges of the page are littered small notations, question marks; many are cancelled or scratched out, lending an oddly picturesque frame to the bold words. Somewhere near the bottom of the page, the ink appears blurred in several places. Upon closer inspection, these could be identifed as possibly spilt tears.)


BLESSED BE THE HAND THAT SCRIBES, THE EYE THAT WATCHES, THE EAR THAT WILL GIVE HEED, THE LIMBS THAT WILL RUSH!

FOR THIS IS THE CLARION ANNOUNCING HER COMING, THE END OF ALL AND NONE, THE FINAL EMBRACE, THE BLESSED UNION.

EZRA WATCHED TIRELESSLY OVER HER FAITHFUL FEW, THEIR WORKINGS TRUE AND VALLIANT; YET FOR ALL THEIR EFFORTS, THE LEGIONS OF THE NIGHT STILL PREVAILED.

FOR EACH FALLEN REDEEMED, FIVE MORE WOULD BEFOUL THE WORLD WITH THEIR DEPRAVITY.

THERE WAS MUCH SUFFERING AND ANGUISH AMONGST HER SERVANTS. AND EZRA ANSWERED THEIR DESPERATE PLEA.

“LET NOT THE WAYS OF THE LEGIONS DAUNT YOU, FOR THEIR TAINT WILL GNAW UPON ITSELF, AND YOU WILL CLEANSE ITS DESPICABLE REMAINS.

BLACKEN AND SIN, ACCEPT AND BE SWEPT FOR NONE ARE WITHOUT SIN, AND ONLY IN REVELING AVOWING THEIR VILE WAYS SHALL THE CLEANSING EXACTED BE MEANINGFUL.

FOR IF IN DEED YOU ARE FEW AND DISTRAUGHT; PURGE RELENTLESSLY THAT WHICH THE LEGIONS FLAUNT OPENLY, BEGIN WITHIN YOURSELVES.”

AND HER FAITHFUL OBEYED. AND THEY SET TO ADORNING THEIR BODIES AND SOULS WITH THE SIGN OF THE PURGE OF THE LEGIONS’ MARK IN THE ABSOLUTIONS OF PRAYER AND A TRUE HEART.

GLORIOUS IN THE VESTIGE OF VIRTUE, EACH SOUL A CLEANSED SPARK THAT WOULD BRING SUCCOR TO THE BLEAK HOLLOW.

THE MISTS OF DEATH COME. AND THE FLOCK ABSOLVED SHALT BE. IN THE FLICKER OF LIFE AND THE SHADOW OF DEATH.
« Last Edit: August 04, 2009, 05:30:26 PM by Kilaana »
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Kilaana

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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #57 on: August 06, 2009, 10:09:01 PM »
Month 14, Day 30, Hour 23

It is with sorrow that I write here, my contemplation of the Church in Vallaki. Many are estranged, some of those who have provided service in Her name as long as my memory recalls, perhaps even longer. Disillusioned with its political workings, perhaps, and many other disappointments within the clergy.

I have reminded both Vasten and Logan to continue attending chapel, studying the Scripture, and indulging in prayer. In such moments of peace, may they be able to reflect on their actions and find absolution for their deeds thus, that they may emerge with new insight to be better persons for themselves and for Your cause, my Lady. Logan finds it difficult to present himself in the company of those who he has lost his faith in, but I hope he will heed my words, and Ezra...that You will speak to his heart and find him devoted still. Vasten, for his quick, quick temper; he does not sit idly by and suffer fools, but he must endeavour harder to mold calmness into himself if he hopes to live a day longer.

What things have these former Templars seen and done, to have caused them to act as such? I endeavour to fathom, with what little information I have of them. They know and have seen much more than I have. But the best thing I can do right now is to guide them back to Ezra's light, and remind them of Her infinite compassion and kindness. I thank thee, Ezra, for Your succor in these words, uttered by a woman present at the time, when the man Kayne sought, once more, to accuse and cause discontent: "Miss, your mouth did not speak such foulness, you ought worry not."

Ezra, I pray that You will continue being the Holy Flame in my heart, keeping this night warm, and the Legions in their place until the time of judgement comes. Until then, we endeavour to keep our blades keen, our eyes watchful, our ears to give heed, and to hasten our limbs.

« Last Edit: August 07, 2009, 09:13:35 AM by Kilaana »
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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #58 on: August 12, 2009, 11:14:00 PM »
Month 15, Day 11, Hour 21

I met with the Warden Poisson the day before last, coming upon him on his knees deep in prayer at Ezra's altar, with naught but the company of two candles, like Ezra's guiding light in this darkness that cloaks the land. The Sentire and his assistants of course tended to their own affairs as usual, and it is as I feared after exchanging some words with the good Warden; the clergy lies divided, not by the machinations of the Legions, but by things closer to the heart. Personal allegiances, as the Warden says, and to this I share deeply his dismay, at how the clergy has forgotten....forgotten, oh Ezra! That they are Your Faithful! Can they even deign to call themselves such, when they put their petty squabblings above duty?

And this...what is this attitude I hear of the Templar Card; such venomous attitude to his brother in faith! Nay, the innocent shall never deny the truth. It is with despair that I fear Vasten is not free of such prejudice as well. I did not care for his snide remarks about the so-called prostitute Alana. As far as I am concerned, she was there, at the auction, to perform a task as a waitress, and she did her part well. Who stirred up such a commotion? The garda, as usual. One wonders how someone as reputedly powerful as the Count Strahd could tolerate such unprofessional fools in his army. but is it not true that what adorns us, reflects upon what we are? Indeed...the garda perform their roles with the same iron-handed blunderbuss as the Count does with his personal threats dotted all over the landscape. ...If Alana was indeed guilty of a crime - in this case perhaps, prostitution - surely they could have picked a better time than during an auction to press charges? Could they have not done it right before, or after?

Calm...calm, Sable! You allow your impatience to overcome you. Think instead of your friends, and the beautiful days Miss Maria and Vasten showed you at Port-a-Lucine. Did they not take the time to cheer you, and take you to the shops? When you were lonely, and wondering at the sudden disappearance of Raul. Wondering...perhaps, if you were somehow useless, a bane to all men, and completely incapable of keeping a man by your side any longer, much less a marriage?

Give thanks to Ezra, for She has provided you with such friendship even in dark times, as She has always done.

...And stay this heart, for it is not seemly to look after your brother in faith, the one they call Vasten, or think too fondly of him. Do not ever mistake his protection or his kindness for something more, lest you fall into the same trap three times over!

I am to focus on my studies of the Scriptures, and confirm with Warden Poisson which Revelation I wish to be baptised in. I wish it were not so that my Saint's baptism of me were false...but if I am to truly give aid to the Order, and not just to those outside of it, then I must make myself known officially amongst the clergy, and not simply as an outsider.

I end my entry here, making note of the day. I have not seen the Corporal for nearly three weeks now. I am still anxious about the revelations Logan has confided to me about; but I trust it will all work out in the end.
 
(the below line is added, seemingly detached from the rest of the entry, in a prose very different from the above, as if it were a profound sentiment written aloud)

Walk close to Ezra, my Saint, walk close! For in the end, She is our Judge, and She will seek what is within us, and find us faithful...
« Last Edit: August 12, 2009, 11:25:16 PM by Kilaana »
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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #59 on: August 13, 2009, 10:48:04 PM »
Month 15, Day 14, Hour 22

How should I write these words without sounding biased? ..."Judge not with haste", is what I have endeavoured to remind Warden Erik Draven the other day we spoke in the Cathedral. I can of course, in good conscience, put aside the insults and thinly-veiled accusations behind Draven's concern for me. His mind is wracked with what he has heard and seen, that sorrow and self-pity cloud his good judgement, hindering any progress to see beyond the darkness. Even with Vasten's efforts to shake some sense into him - literally - seemed not to do any good. Too dangerous is such a dark view; where the flock lies divided, this is the last thing we want...doomsayings from a Warden himself. Yet I cannot but help look upon Warden Draven with some sympathy, for the knowledge of what he has seen must have terrified such a gentle soul. He is slipping...losing his faith...perhaps in his delirium he does not even know it. Even the Sentire Costinus' words he seemed not to heed; I worry endlessly.

What can I say about Vasten? It is all too easy to see that he is the black sheep of the flock. In my time spent alongside him, getting to know him, questioning him endlessly about things hitherto and there, I glean a picture of a man - not perfect of course as we all are, but a man of great drive, courage, motivation and initiative to mete out Ezra's work. Vasten is a leader, it is in him, but he may be blunt, abrupt and lacking a few qualities that only time and a supportive hand will bring out in him. As with great leaders, the one thing I note is that he listens. To whom? one may ask, for it is with both surprise and dismay I learn that the admonishings of the Church make less effect on his soul than my own words to him. For this I am thankful, and I pray that Ezra will continue to guide me as I endeavour to guide Vasten...hopefully, back into the role he so deserves, Templar. On the other hand...worrying is the task as to how Vasten may heed the Church's advice as much as he heeds mine. I only hope that with time and a little encouragement, he will find wisdom in this matter.

And what of the continued cautionary warnings about Vasten from Logan? I hesitate even to write it, but if he should think that Vasten is not to be trusted, then should I trust Logan for such a point of view? Instead of saying such things, why does he not endeavour harder to heal the rift between himself and Vasten (it is clear these two do not get along) and find out the truth?

There is naught more I detest than false accusations...words and insults hurled by a people who do not take the time to understand what lies behind. Just like how they accused me. Just like how they accused Alana. The woman who finds freedom in selling her body, but not her spirit. The woman who would do anything not to be reminded that she was once a slave to cruel masters. Can we judge her for the creature she is, and her motivations for her actions?

Yet I close this entry with the words of a friend and fellow Ezrite - Cerdic Virthan:

"...She...a deity....that would expect her followers to aid others, and offer mercy. If that fails, then death may be the only way to protect others."

Ezra, only You shall be the Judge of all. And should this role be bestowed upon us, your Faithful, for a time...then I pray that we will do so with exacting impartiality, never relinquishing compassion.

« Last Edit: August 13, 2009, 10:55:29 PM by Kilaana »
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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #60 on: August 14, 2009, 10:50:12 PM »
Month 15, Day 16, Hour 9

I am weary, both of body and mind, but not soul. Indeed, my soul...my spirit, soars to greet this new morning in spite of its cold welcome this winter. It has been a trying day that just passed; however as much as part of me is glad that we have reported the actions of the two garda, Mihas and Dragomir, I cannot help but feel pity. Is the pay received by these men who pledge their lives to secure the Count's lands, so poorly, that they need to resort to extortion and falsities? Or is the motivation deeper, darker - perhaps a personal grudge against us, whom they call "outlanders"? I am not so much disturbed by the unwarranted foreclosure of my stall as the fact that the illegality of it was never actually an issue at all. But on retrospect, perhaps by reporting these two garda, we have helped smoothen the ranks of the garda. For certain, surely not all eggs in the basket are rotten?

It is thus with pleasant and most touching surprise to see that Vasten sought and made confession to Ezra and to the good Warden Poisson this evening just passed. I feel as if I would leap and dance for joy; sleep be damned! for my spirit soars like a bird! To know that he has taken heed my words and endeavoured to change. Not an easy change of course, no...for nobody likes to be corrected against their reasoning; but it is this first step towards humility that I am on my knees and thanking Ezra for.

And then too, do I pray earnestly that Warden Poisson may come to realise that forgiveness is not just another decision to be left to Ezra's judgement. For are we not an extension of Her hand, Her will? And so should we offer the love and compassion for our brothers and sisters as Ezra has shown us. ...Underneath that stern exterior, I sense a man of great emotions, perhaps all the more greater for the way his upbringing has repressed it so. A brilliant mind, yet he attempts to conceal and push aside his true feelings under a blanket of ideologies. My admiration for such control is great, yet I also hope that the Warden Poisson will allow himself to realise that sometimes things require more heart than mind to deal with.

...Warden Draven speaks of Winterlass' name, and that of sweet Androvia. The pain in my head and my heart tolls like a bell....and yet...these must be nothing in comparison to the pain Vasten feels, losing family to the Drinkers of Blood and Stealers of Breath. This too, has Kolgrim felt...I sense it in his manner, the way he has distanced himself for such a long time. Detached, unwilling to commit again. ...A reflection of m...me....No...no....not me! I am fine! Perfectly, truly! And cease this manner you look at Vasten, for you shall not resign yourself to the same trap, you shall not lust, you shall not be anything but focused on Ezra's work!

(the above last few lines are scratched deep into the page; angry, dark, almost as if some other mind seems to have taken over the quill for the time)

I have been advised by Warden Draven to spend some time with the other Ezrites, in particular the Wardens of each Sect and even the Inquisitor Veritas, so that I may gain more insights as to the workings of the Church as a whole. It will be a good few lessons, for I have always believed that no one Revelation stands alone. This is in fact a teaching my Saint Marle taught me. The Scriptures, as parts of one whole. Seeking out the Wardens will be difficult, for Warden Ward I am told has gone on a pilgrimage for a time, and I am not sure where to start looking for Inquisitor Veritas; perhaps a letter might help. Still...my decision remains firm in that my baptism shall be under the Book of Secousse. I find it should give me room to explore matters most spiritual, which I deem to be the crux of my work: For without spirit, there can be no body, no mind, no soul. This nourishment, hence, I cannot emphasize enough especially in the light of the state of the flock.
« Last Edit: August 14, 2009, 10:59:25 PM by Kilaana »
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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #61 on: August 16, 2009, 12:34:29 AM »
Month 15, Day 18, Hour 22

Evenings with good friends are always a balm for the soul. Yet even good tsuika could not chase away this feeling of terror and helplessness in my heart as Sylas recounted his adventure - nay, a nightmare - to Miss Maria and I. A sordid, dark tale; the near-fatal battle, I presume, with a coven of no less than six vampires, and later, more horrfiying still, the old man who was not what he seemed; the detonation of his person into hundreds upon hundreds of all manner of insects. These which insinuated their way into Sylas' flesh, the burn-marks on his person the only reminder of the pain and terror he must have felt when the last worm burrowed its way through his innards and under his skin. This, together with the appearance of Mists a few weeks before, larger than any I have ever seen in my time here, encroaching the land; from within its depths poured minions of the Night. The Beast of Flame that Rends. The Ethereal Stealers of Breath. The Invisible Drinkers of Blood. Arrow after arrow I recall firing; only later did I realise the numbness in my arms as I and my friends sought refuge inside the Lady's Rest.

And so, what if the heresy was true? Some things about it that drove me to reject it under the witness of Wardens Poisson and Draven, but now I am not so sure. The Time of Ultimate Darkness falls fast upon us! It is just as it was prophecised. They are coming...they have always been there before...but they are growing. Don't you see? And one day, they shall overrun this land. And this Church...this Church which lies divided, how can we stand against it all? There is no time, no time at all!

....How good this pain feels. Almost artistic in its own way; a simple act, without any further thought to it. Lasting no more than a split second. The sharpness against my skin. At once, so! Left to right, or right to left! It does not matter which way it goes. I detest the way my body shudders at the pain. ...Have you not learned anything from your lessons at Zeklos, Sable? Are you still shivering like a newborn pup? Are you still hiding in your corner?! Lusting after your brother in faith?! Are you so worthlessly lonely for company?! Watch it bleed...yes, focus on it....and everything will be alright again.

Vasten believes that there are other ways to release this pain. Ha...I think he tries too hard to protect me, perhaps. After all, he is a capable warrior, having seen more battles than I ever will, I suppose. The scar that adorns his back reminds me of this one I have. And I am pleased. His is far larger, and I shall not lower my standards just because I am a woman!

Tomorrow, yes. Tomorrow I will prove myself worthy, that I will never again allow this wretched fear to overcome me. Where is it? ....Yes....just a little bit of that acidious varnish to test it at first.

And then, of course...we will go for the kill.



(somewhere along near the bottom of the page is scrawled a number - "84", with two other numbers beside it, 42 and 42 divided by a rough dash. Below these almost mathematical-looking symbols, hasty scribbles dot the margin, listing the words "pie", "broth, "orange" and "bloodberry".)


« Last Edit: August 16, 2009, 09:52:44 PM by Kilaana »
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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #62 on: August 16, 2009, 07:56:17 PM »
Month 15, Day 20, Hour 12

Did you inflict this on your own...?

..when?

Last night...when you were asleep. I went out.

Do you enjoy pain?

N..not exactly.

Then why did you do it?

It makes the pain inside more bearable.

....Explain the pain inside.

I couldn't help Sylas...

...couldn't stand up to the Legions...I ran...when the Flame Beast came.

...I miss Marle. Why did she lie to me? Why does Unuldor look down on me?

I can't do anything right, Vasten.

...Because Marle called you a traitor while I was at the Keep.

No...no...I love her. She's my friend...

It's one way.

No. She loves me. She would never hurt me without good reason.

You betrayed her in her eyes.

Yes...yes...I can't do anything right, you see.

Oh yes, you can.

...This will hurt a little.

Unnnghh.!!!

I can't regenerate your arm if there is dead skin and infection on it, Sable.

...Be strong, Sable...for me...for Ezra. ...Physical strength is not all there is, Sable. What's in your heart and mind counts for more than that. You could not help your friend Sylas, you say. ...I say you did...your compassion for him, your friendship...you helped him...and I'm sure he is not angry at you for not being able to protect him, not even Ezra would be mad at you. For you give the people around you...much more happiness...

...She listened to me, Vasten. We were a team.

And I won't deny such a thing. I'm pretty sure you two worked well together.

You...believe that? Why?

...because otherwise you would not worry so much for her.

...did she miss me, Vasten?

Sable...she called you a traitor and she was very angry about it...

But do know that...if I was Marle, I would miss you a lot.

You would...but did she?

......I do not think Marle misses you, and if she does it's probably for being used as a tool.

No... . No. No.

Please don't say that...don't say that...!

Sable. Every wound can be healed...some just take more time than others. there are all kinds of wounds...wounds that heal fast, wounds that heal slow...some wounds leave scars and some don't. But no matter how big the wound...it will always heal.

You're very wise, Vasten.

...Ah, no. There is still so much more I don't know.

« Last Edit: August 16, 2009, 09:23:15 PM by Kilaana »
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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #63 on: August 21, 2009, 07:11:39 AM »
Month 16, Day 11, Hour 21

Port-a-Lucine.

Here I am once again, dear City, as always your beauty lifts my spirits, if only for a while. Yet once more do joy and pain follow my footsteps. Today will be the last day of my brief respite here, and I have chosen to spend it by the Bay as is my habit. The sky - an artist's canvas of vivid pinks, purples and golds as day tenderly gives way to night. Tenderly...like the way we endeavour to make room for those we love so deeply. And at the same time, such tenacity! Such a grip we find ourselves effecting on those we hold close to our hearts.

We are, creatures, at once infinitely humble, and distressingly selfish - in love.

So many words of poetry and prose has both these worlds I've been in, dedicated such an amount of effort in capturing all that defines this feeling we find ourselves, instinctively, yearning towards. I speak not merely of the love between two amours, but also that of friends and comrades. Once again, do I find myself at Ezra's feet...laying my heart bare of all its joy, pain and sorrow to Her Infinite Grace. And not a word passed between us, except those tears shed beneath Her sacred window. Asked not I, for anything else, but for Her to take away this pain which haunts me so. And as we left Ste. Mere des Larmes, my hand in his, I cannot help but wonder...if the legendary myths of the Sacred Window were true; that those who bring their worries to Her icon, may leave the sacred Halls with lighter hearts, or, on the contrary, with fivefold anguish and pain, should She find our motives questionable. ...Is this then Her answer to my call? This love I hold in my hand, or is this only just...temporary?

There is a task that awaits my return to Barovia. The healing of a rift between a friendship that none fathomed its true depth. And what of me? Can I truly say I have given my best in this friendship? Or have I once again taken, kept taking...and not given back? Are we both guilty of using the other? So easy, isn't it...to take one's dependability for granted.

There is a shadow on that bright horizon; in this land there shall always be shadows that outnumber the light. Yet I have always felt for certain that we were brought here for a reason. And I recall his words in my ear - "What do we do when we fall, Sable? We get up and try again." And then too, the words of another one dear: "Stand up to him, Sable! Don't give in!"  

Have the words of both I love so dear, fallen on deaf ears? Must I hurt again, to protect those I love? Turn them back and send them on their way? Just who am I trying to protect, him or me? Or is it fear that stays my heart; for how may one hope to be a voice of impartiality in the Church if one is swayed by love and desire?

"All dreams have to end, don't they, Vasten?"


« Last Edit: August 21, 2009, 10:15:38 AM by Kilaana »
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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #64 on: August 24, 2009, 12:49:03 PM »
Month 16, Day 16, Hour 11

I sit here beneath this tree, where my friend Sylas lies in reverie in the shade, and Vasten, my companion of late, takes the opportunity to rest as well. Atop this hill, where the misty mountain clouds beckon each passerby like gentle whispers of the wind, peeping hither and there amongst the secluded woodland groves. This village, a reflection of my soul, with its quiet vineyards and rolling hills; where beauty speaks for itself without the artifices of man's hand. Here, I am once more in Faerun, in the Moonsea where I once called home. Thus I begin today's entry with a carefree heart.

If only every day could be as beautiful as this; the simple joys of being in the company of those one trusts implicitly, and that of all our sorrows and worries left behind. Yet as the sunlight chases away the dark clouds, so too, does the stormcloud rush forth anew. All of a sudden, the dangers surrounding me become ever so clearer, and I wonder if I am being fair in dragging those I care about into it. They say it is their choice, of course, but I cannot help but feel perhaps I should be doing more to put a distance between them and I. In this way, perhaps nothing can be associated between myself and those I care about, should I be blamed  for any mishandling of affairs within the Church. I know I speak much too soon, for I am not even myself baptised; a figure officially recognised with the Church. Am I getting ahead of myself? Is pride or ambition the motivation for such thoughts...or am I simply too much in a hurry to see that this complacency and dismal state of affairs right themselves as soon as possible? I do not, of course, ever believe for a moment that I have the answers to all the problems. But to stand outside of something I care so deeply in, and feel entirely helpless, is not what I wish at all. Nay...never, to see the Wardens so distressed. I cannot sit idly by!

Yet a friendship healed, and another lost in the space of a few short days. How can I apologise for something I need to ensure doesn't get in the way of my sense of fair duty? Like the strongest rock in the middle of the vast ocean, must I endeavour to remain unbiased, unswayed by such emotions of love and desire. No...I was not sorry that he decided to leave the engagement. Nay, not sorry at all, for I know deep down he deserves something better than to be left alone by the one he once pledged his heart to.

"In fiecare zi ma gandesc la tine - Everyday I think about you."


No...I won't apologise. I must not give us...him..or I, any hope that this will come to any great ending. No matter what Joey says about him being a good man, about how I deserve my own happiness for once. And so I remind myself again thus - this done in Ezra the Judge, the Most Holy, the Blessed Guardian - this in Her name.
« Last Edit: August 24, 2009, 04:32:02 PM by Kilaana »
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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #65 on: August 24, 2009, 09:05:28 PM »
Month 16, Day 17, Hour 3


Do you see yourself, princess,
In that mirror
Gilded with the butterflies
Of blood, tears and pain?

This fortress, your heart,
This moat, deep
With the raindrops of your soul
That you shed once again

The gates are sealed,
With ebony staves
Arrows laced with poison and silver,
Pushing back those who tread your domain

Do you sit by your window, princess,
Waiting,
For that White Knight in disguise?
Waiting, yes, waiting, in vain...

« Last Edit: August 24, 2009, 09:18:11 PM by Kilaana »
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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #66 on: August 26, 2009, 09:10:46 AM »
Month 16, Day 20, Hour 23

(Tucked between the pages of this entry are at least four separate parchments, each folded up carefully, each containing the words written by a representative of the Fifth Revelation)

Marle. My...Saint..Marle.

I know these words. Such devotion, such beautiful spirit. Such compassion and understanding of what it means to approach one's Duty with open heart and open hands. Such complete subservience to Her words.

Yet these are not Her words. Or are they? How can they be; such cryptic verses, such violent words. ...How can the Fifth Revelation be a message of light and hope from the Guardian in the Mists? I know that all too well, don't I? Of course, for I have delivered the Fifth Book, the Book of Wurtbeich, to Levkarest itself. 'Twas my tongue which bade the Praesidius to look for the message beyond those damning words.

Can I blame her for thinking me a traitor? ...I have given much thought over these past days, and I admit that I cannot, despite knowing that there is a bounty on my head, feel hatred towards her. Anger, perhaps, and fear...but above all, I find deep down in my heart there is no capacity for hate towards her. Just as one loves so dearly a friend, a companion; loving him still even if he commits a shameful crime, so too do I love her, Saint Marle.

The clergy scorn such a self-bestowed title. I indulge it, because it is the only way I can remember her for what others did not see. Yet how can I turn a blind eye to the reports of her misdeeds and of Wurtbeich's? How can I forgive them, yes, for the way they treated Sharia?

I must offer more prayers tonight and seek Her guidance. I must hear again what the Wardens, the Templars and the laymen have to say, even if I know already what their words shall be. How I long for the solace of Ste. Mere des Larmes. But do I need such answers, when I think I already know?
« Last Edit: August 26, 2009, 09:14:31 AM by Kilaana »
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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #67 on: August 27, 2009, 08:00:09 AM »
Month 16, Day 22, Hour 1

(The handwriting of this entry seems rather unsteady, as if whoever wrote it did it either too hastily, or had some trouble steadying the hand wielding the quill)

...The hour past midnight, yet even in his arms this night I cannot sleep. This wretched trembling! This fever of heart, mind and soul that threatens to consume me.

Do we fear the truth of Ezra's fifth aspect? Do I?

Who am I..? What am I...? Dare I say I have felt more unity in duty and cause when I was with the Church of the Fifth Revelation? More sacred devotion we gave there - if it is indeed sacred - than those I have glimpsed amongst the clergy here in the Refuge of the Fifth Light, these who seemed to have gone their separate ways out of personal conflicts and resentments.

I m..musn't bend now. Musn't....

(the entry stops short here, and a few speckles of dark, dried blood dot the rest of the page)

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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #68 on: August 30, 2009, 10:45:52 PM »
Month 16, Day 25, Hour 23

"...You cry too much, Sable."

"I..I'm sorry. Can't h..help it, see."

"Please...be careful."

"You still keep saying that."

"O..only because I care. I have never stopped caring about you, Unuldor. ..But too much has happened."

"Let us not forget what we once were. I don't want you to get hurt. I couldn't come after you, to bring you back."

"I c..can't come back, Unuldor."

"....if something happens to me, can you take care of Ameldor? I know it's a lot to ask."

"Please don't s..say that..."



Memories...so many memories. Coming back to me, as I stepped through the still-smoking rubble. This Keep, where I once spent so many winters, in the company of the most devoted follower of Her Name. She, who taught me many things. Sacrifice, devotion, to keep on giving even when others only knew to throw the stones. She taught me courage, and with that she gave me respect, offering me the chance to lead the congregation in service. In turn, I gave her my compassion, my love...a hand turned up in offering when all others turned their backs on her. The great hall, where I shared meals with the hard-working Corporal Kruschev and his men. This courtyard, this chapel.

I recall a dream I once had. Awashed on a beach, whose grains of sand were instead the skulls of hundreds, thousands, as far as the eye could see.

And then him, one with the golden eyes and charming smile, yet with the harshness that brought him more enemies than friends. The product of a harsh desert land, a wielder of the arcane. The blood of dragons that fuelled his being, and which drives him to darkness. That darkness he once begged me to save him from. I was his anchor; he was my protector.

Yet how strange it is that time changes us, or does it? Perhaps we never change at all, just our motivations, our reasons, our actions, as we steer ourselves through this journey of a life in this harsh land. Perhaps I should have tried to understand Unuldor more...but then again, he did not allow himself to be very easily understood. Is it I who has failed then? Or is it him? What things seen and felt, yet remained unspoken, to cause such strife? Were we just too different, or was it meant to be...a part of this Grand Scheme?

It was night when we stood watching that place of darkness falling upon itself. The den of evil, as they say. Never have I heard such sounds of joy as coming from these ragtag group of comrades, some whose names I don't even know; blood and sweat and tears that must have been shed across these years for those who fought valiantly this night, for those who lost their loved ones to the darkness within. Bittersweet....in more ways than one.

Why did he really remain? ...Why did she, my Saint, leave? How could she?! Left...and then..chaos...

Come with us, Unuldor...Come back to Vallaki.

I will remember what we once were. And I will never forget how you held strong against those who sought to abuse you for what you could do for them. And perhaps one day...one day, Unuldor, may Ezra bless your strength of mind and courage, and reward you for what you truly, truly are.
« Last Edit: August 31, 2009, 02:03:26 PM by Kilaana »
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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #69 on: September 02, 2009, 08:36:50 AM »
Month 16, Day 29, Hour 10

In darkness, so shall there also be light.

What feelings within myself I need suppress as I watched the bride coming down the aisle, led by the man I've sought to deny myself to? So beautiful, she - the Templar Falon, in her gown of snow and lace, glowing with joy as she joined her husband at the altar. I have never seen Warden Draven so enraptured, so blissful at the sight of her. How different from the times I've met him previously; a herald of sorrow and destruction. If I ever thought Vasten was a harsh man in his ways, then Warden Draven would have been twice that, simply in a different way. I have heard a few things about Warden Draven, and I believe his intentions are pure, as is his faith in our Guardian, but paranoia and unnecessary suspicion do not go well together. Nonetheless, I should put such thoughts behind me, and take joy in their union; for if two are in love, what greater thing is there than to be a part of such simple, wholesome joy?

Why then, do I feel the urge to escape once again? Is it caution that tries to warn me from rushing headlong into another union that could end in disarray, or is it guilt, paranoia...that such dreams are never ever possible for this wretched soul? That I have tried to conceive and failed, twice, and let Unuldor down? The shame that I am no longer able to bear a child? That I couldn't face the fact I was far too careless with myself, rushing to defensive aid, only to be struck down? That I, indeed, am a failure - one who knows not how to draw a line between duty and sacrifice?

But how can one be selfish in the service of Ezra? It is impossible.

It is time, soon. The one thing I have sought ever since I left the Keep; to enter into Her service again. I confess, oh Ezra, that I am afraid. Will I be able to stand against those who've served much longer in Her service than I, will I be able to withstand the accusing looks, the whispers behind my back? That I was once One of Them. She, who brought the Book to them, She the Heretic. She....Zeklos whore.

On my right stands Vasten. On my left, the Warden Poisson. Behind me, as always, Warden Ward, Kolgrim, Joey, Miss Tarinyar and Master Simon. And who can forget dear Arthur? And ahead of me stands She - my Eternal Guardian.

What have I to fear?


« Last Edit: September 02, 2009, 09:02:54 AM by Kilaana »
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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #70 on: September 06, 2009, 08:02:33 AM »
Month 17, Day 8, Hour 22

No matter what others may say regarding the Count Strahd, it is with some kind of bittersweet gladness that I acknowledge he is at least a man of reason. Yes, at least perhaps when it suits his purposes. But the removal of the bounty on our heads is only logical, and it is thus with a hopeful heart that I wish my comrades well, in particular the Corporal and Meik - both fine men of valor - that they may find renewed purpose after such trials.

I have made my confession the day before last in Ezra's presence and that of Warden Poisson. Any day now we shall be travelling to Port-a-Lucine for this long-awaited ceremony. I cannot in good grace, however, say that I am truly happy, for worrying news I have come to learn from the elven mage Ven'eala, that the remnants of the Fifth have made their way to Ste. Mere des Larmes. The "City of Hidden Undead", as Vasten so eloquently puts it. Try as I might, I cannot shake this sinking feeling of despair that the baptism will end well.

We visited the Zeklos ruins last eve. A darkened, anguished shell of its former glory, this fortress which was impenetrable without, yet seething with wickedness within. Who could have thought? I did not know either, though I was aware of the many rumours. Still, I had no facts to believe at the time. How disturbing that such a dead shell can instill more fear in one's heart than when it was teeming with life? Ven'eala speaks of a poltergeist that haunts the ruins of the chapel; by his accounts I reckon it is Aleyi's vengeful spirit. And what part of this disarray does Unuldor play? Was he the "Quessir", as Ven'eala puts it, that fled through the gates? How would that make him a traitor to the Fifth? ...Impossible. He, after all, has an oath to keep.

There is also that worrying matter of the cursed mirrors in the Morninglord crypts. I wonder at the foolishness of some men, really! It is never wise to break a strange mirror, much less awaken its potency with known incantations. But perhaps I make my judgement too soon. I ought to investigate this matter further.

It has been a long day. Vasten is asleep; I shall not wake him. Perhaps the Wardens are still up....

« Last Edit: September 06, 2009, 08:09:46 AM by Kilaana »
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Kilaana

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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #71 on: September 07, 2009, 08:07:45 AM »
Month 17, Day 11, Hour 0

I am, at last, Sister Hart once more. The baptism of last eve hovers like a dream at the very edges of my memory, the vows I made an affirmation that have just now begun to settle upon my soul; their gravity, their significance. Still, I admit herein I find it difficult to forget that I was once a child of the heresy. My ecclesiastical knowledge is little, yet I have been complimented by a few for practical wisdom. Perhaps in the coming days, when I may begin at last to study more about the Faith, I will cease feeling like some kind of prodigal daughter.

I wish I could say the long-awaited ceremony held such joy for me; alas, I could not stop my mind dwelling upon the murder of my dearest friend Miss Tarinyar.  Nay...I admit that whatever joy I found at being entered into the Faith again, was short-lived. The shadow of her gruesome, mysterious death has shocked us to the core. Try as I might, nothing can distract me from the bitterness of her untimely death. The only remnants of her sweet, gentle memory lie in the pouch upon my belt - that wretched, burnt scrap of what she wore at the time of her death. Helpless fury - the feeling I am sure pervades the others close to her and who are aiding in our investigation. Nearly half a day's search, even with Arthur's far-seeing eyes, turned up naught but tracks that seem to lead nowhere. Nonetheless, I have my eyes and ears where they may be; I am not alone.

What is this two-headed snake that twists and turns its way into our lives? I should never have trusted him again. I shall never forgive again, even, if what we believe it to be true - Unuldor, Miss Tarinyar's killer. Such irrationality, such unwarranted violence. I wonder what exactly transpired right before her death to incite such an attack. Was he operating on orders from Marle, or from his own whims? His tongue is gilded with silver; I shall not trust his word again.
« Last Edit: September 07, 2009, 11:07:06 AM by Kilaana »
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"She is dangerous; What will you do? ....I will make her my queen."

Kilaana

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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #72 on: September 08, 2009, 05:20:51 PM »
Month 17, Day 15, Hour 2

(Upon this page are sketches of various architectural angles of some ruins, a female figure of sorts in a window-frame, a singular rose next to it, the words "te iubesc" scribbled as an afterthought, and several other depictions of Ste. Mere des Larmes )

I met her as I made my second inspection of the Cathedral's facade, in the beginnings of an amateurish attempt to record the beauty of these ancient ruins - before they completely crumble to dust; these which I hold close to my heart. In the pale moonlight did her figure seem more ethereal than ever before, the trail of mist unmistakable, the thin frame that walked with such purpose, such surety.

I struggle to put these thoughts on paper; a hand's width did she stand before me, yet an unspoken chasm that separated us. I had not the means to take her down, but more importantly...how, in all conscience, could I? How can I disagree, that denying the Rite would be denying all other Sects apart from the Home Faith? Amongst all other things...can I doubt her absolute faith? This faith that I seem to find wanting, in the Warden Ward, Poisson and Draven. True that they perhaps have seen much more than I, but have their experiences instilled more doubt than strengthened their faith in the Eternal Guardian?

Deep down, I have wondered: Is it possible, ever, that to truly fight the Legions, we must become as them...?

Why am I reprimanded for my questions? Are those who say they are faithful, afraid to face the truth?
« Last Edit: September 08, 2009, 05:39:21 PM by Kilaana »
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"She is dangerous; What will you do? ....I will make her my queen."

Kilaana

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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #73 on: September 13, 2009, 09:31:18 PM »
Month 17, Day 23, Hour 22

Well, what now? What of this sense of restless unease that shadows these days, that sliver of guilt that I have returned to Vallaki under Warden Ward's instructions, leaving both Wardens behind? I am assured that the Wardens can see to their own welfare, yet I cannot help but worry about them. I wonder if Warden Ward has sent for Templars Card, Kaeyna and Brynne; I have not seen any of them in Vallaki at all.

Part of me has been reluctant to leave Warden Poisson's side. If I had ever wanted a new mentor in my life, then he is that now. I appreciate his wider world view, to me he is a well of knowledge and philosophy my mind and soul has thirsted for ever since old Mortent died. How long ago has it been now...? Nearly a year, I think, since I have fled the village and lived in the wilds, and then taken by these Mists... . There are indeed days when I feel as if I walk on eggshells with the Warden Poisson; I fear saying the wrong thing, to seem unintelligent around him would be quite distressing, and I certainly do not want to give him reason to doubt my capabilities. Yet beneath that stern veneer, I sense something quite fragile. The Warden is a man of great discipline, control...indeed I would go as far to say that he is the exact opposite of Vasten (dearest) in terms of disposition, yet both share certain qualities that they do not fully realise - a tendency towards good discipline, manners, a love for knowledge, and not least a very caring and gentle heart; however both standing divided by a distance that I hope in time will lessen should the Warden find it in his heart to forgive Vasten's trespasses against him.

What shall I say to this offer he has made me? This shell of a person...am I really enough for him? ..Does he know what it means to have failed a marriage...? Vasten will be thirty-three come January, and I barely twenty-two summers old; yet he looks infinitely younger than I do, for all he has seen and done. Children...children are out of the question too. What, indeed, can I possibly offer him? And will my association with him only bring him more harm from enemies unseen? ...Who will protect him, when he protects me?

And yet...how long can I continue to keep him at bay? When he is out of sight, a thousand things I wish to say to him, I fear sometimes I may go mad; that if he should leave my side forever, I would not know what to do or think or say. When he is beside me, my traitorous lips fail to find the words, and I wish, as Ezra is my Blessed Redeemer, that he may know what I feel for him in each thought and deed...these, which pale in comparison to the kindness he has shown me.

All dreams have to end, Vasten.


« Last Edit: September 13, 2009, 09:48:17 PM by Kilaana »
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"She is dangerous; What will you do? ....I will make her my queen."

Kilaana

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Re: Sable Hart - The Compassion Within
« Reply #74 on: September 15, 2009, 09:52:52 AM »
Month 17, Day 27, Hour 8

She is gone.

One with the Mists, Sable. She is with Ezra, at peace.

Gone.

What would she say, if she saw me? She would have taken my sorrow upon herself, held me, and wept together with me. Yet it seems absurd that she should weep for herself, as I have wept for her. Selfless in her devotion, the pillar of faith I still find myself clinging to even after all these months I've left the Keep. The last memory of our meeting, painful...so painfully awkward...a thousand things I wished to say to her, yet could not. And now I will never be able to do so again.

My rage...short-lived...and in that space of a few short moments I thank the Eternal Guardian for the insight in what it must be to bear the duty of a true anchorite. To do what needs to be done, regardless of the insurmountable difficulties, both mental, physical, emotional, spiritual. What is this bitterness within...that I did not see her in her last moments, as she was, beautiful and whole again? That I left her, when I could have perhaps brought her back into the light? No...she never really needed such, did she?

My Saint Marle...Bastion of Faith.
« Last Edit: September 15, 2009, 05:02:58 PM by Kilaana »
Sig by Blacky Rose

"She is dangerous; What will you do? ....I will make her my queen."