Sable Hart - The Compassion Within

[Kilaana]

(As glimpsed in her train of thoughts...)

Month 4, Day 19, Hour 22
In all the months I have lived out in the woods with the men of my village, still nothing prepares me for the bitter wet and cold that pervades this land like an omnipresent plague. I have not travelled to this part of the land before, but I can still smell the scent of the lake from this hillside despite not seeing the shore. The fire is warm and the figs I have plucked nourish me, but my heart stands empty, drained, meaningless.

How could this have happened, my Lady? Have I been so wrong? How could a pleasant conversation and a gift of flowers have turned into such a nightmare? My Lady...will you fault me for defending Wallace's honour, and standing up to that garda? See the way she shackled him, and tied the bag to his head. The way she poured water over him when I asked if he might have a drink. If he had choked, she would have been a murderer!

Perhaps Unuldor was right... . Perhaps I am a fool, when there are much better ways to deal with this oppression. But I am only human, my Lady! ...and alas with my mother's temper as well... . I know not why he betrays our love by calling me a fool in public and then smiles at me the next time we meet. Is this the way of the elves? You said you were trying to use her for information, but did you think you were using me too?

Now he has accused me of loving my faith more than him. I can't believe it. I went into that portal after him! How is that turning my back on you, Unuldor? How?! How could you ask me to kill you - when you know full well that goes against all of Mielikki's principles?!

...I'm sorry, Torben. Don't think of me. Forgive me, Eldur. Sadness is the last thing I wished to leave you with. Kayne, I hope you will find your mate someday, you are indeed a good man under all that brashness. Unuldor was right, you know? - I run away. I run from my problems. I tried to face up to them today...that much you should know.

I loved you, Unuldor. You never saw it. You never saw the pain I felt too, when you spoke and did things to me that hurt my soul. What deeds do you do, Unuldor, that you never told me about?

I've run out of chances, my Lady. Forgive me if I am a whore to other eyes...but I trust you know the truth in my heart as sure as you guide us through your forests. Forgive me....I have travelled a long way across the stones of my heart, I am weary, and darkness calls. I will not depend on fleshly embrace tonight, but take comfort in the silence of your domain...

[Kilaana]

Month 4, Day 20, Hour 0
I know you are watching over me, my Lady. Meeting Miss Nara'ia and Master Werner in the South Woods tonight must have been your blessing. At least this cave they took me to seems safe, and there is an underground well where I won't grow thirsty.

I told them everything, and of Unuldor's dragon ancestry. Oh, my Lady...I fear for his life, his sanity! You were right, Miss Nara'ia - Unuldor is not himself, is he? He was never like that when we first met. She too agrees that it seems like we are addressing someone else at times when we speak to him. I know Unuldor will never forgive me for telling them about his dragon blood, but it is only so that we may all find some way to help him...from this darkness that consumes his soul. Mielikki bless you, Miss Nara'ia...I hope you will be able to speak to him and his friends, so that we can help him.

Master Werner is an extremist; a man of black and white. I admire that he finds solutions to his questions so easily, yet of course nothing is black and white in life, my Lady. Compassion is a weakness, he says. If that is true, then who will aid the weary, the sick, the troubled?

...Master Werner has returned with news that Eldur is near. I never thought he would be able to track us, but it seems I have underestimated him. ...I've got to leave this cave, Eldur must not find me. Though I long for his company...the light that he brings to my path....I fear his wrath that I have been a coward and run away. I can't go back to the forest either. Torben will find me in a heartbeat; he is a far more expert tracker than I am, what chance do I have in his territory?

That's what I am...a coward....Unuldor was right.

I must leave...but where to, my Lady? Show me your path, lest I surrender to Kelemvor's whispers again....

[Kilaana]

Month 4, Day 22, Hour 8
Unuldor is sleeping soundly. Or at least, that's what he seems to be doing after the surgery, for it is said that elves do not partake of such rest, but indulge in reverie. This bed is too small for him, and I have had to ask Bianca for an extra blanket just to cover up his legs. He said they melted when he walked into a fire trap at Bluetspur...I shudder to think of how that felt. At least they are restored now, thank Mielikki, but part of me seethes that I was not there to help him. Miss Lyndis' spells seem to have closed up the worst wounds...that burn which re-opened, and from what I can see, the other marks on his body seem to have faded slightly as well. Perhaps I should remove those stitches I did for him, when he awakes.

I am weary...but sleep eludes me this night. I can run no longer, my Lady. I do not know if this is a blessing or a curse. Admittedly, I didn't expect to fall sick so easily after a few nights out in the wilds. But in this weather, even a good fire is sometimes not enough, I suppose. I should have been more careful when I headed back into town...to seek out Mother Lizuca; only to be discovered by my friends. I thought I could hide, but Eldur has somehow found my trail, and Miss Eloise-....well...there is no escaping her either. She seems to be a powerful mage of some sort, but I am not sure. Something about her seems vaguely familiar...the way she talks, perhaps? Or how she seems to appear at my side just when I am in need of aid.

Mortent used to say, every so often - "Pride comes before a fall, my child." He'd repeat that line to me during his lessons in the apocathery. I just thought he was being an annoying old nag then. "You have your mother's fire, and your father's strength, child. These are honourable qualities, the elements which - like this potion I am about to teach you - are hallmarks of the great heroes of our time, but that which, if not handled in the right doses, will lead to your fall."

I can't admit to that, my Lady. I can't. And yet....have I been too proud to see what my friends have done for me? Too quick to think Unuldor was in the wrong?

Mortent...my beloved teacher. May Kelemvor's judgement be fair upon your soul, and Mielikki guide my hand as I endeavour to continue your work for the good of people.

...Dawn draws near, my Lady, yet I have not found my answers the the questions in my heart. Perhaps I shall take Master Werner's advice, and turn my eyes to the task I set before me, before this nightmare began...before the Mists took me.

I shall be friend to all, and love none... . My Lady, grant me the strength of the oak, cleanse my spirit with your spring waters...and let my divided heart bleed, for it is through no one's fault but mine that I have looked upon the men in my life, when I should never have strayed.

Ut penuriosus , infirmus , defessus , permissum nos tribuo donum of vita....

[Kilaana]

Month 5, Day 2, Hour 20
After what seems like weeks, Torben has returned, looking like he has just barely escaped death's grasp. A quick glance told me that he seems fine physically, but what is more troubling is that he cannot recall parts of his memories. I thank Mielikki that he still remembers me, at least.

He spoke of Mists; where he has been, I have yet to discover. He keeps reminding me that I am the leader of our little group...of a task we have promised to do.

"Do not change, Sable. Stay true to yourself, when all around us are changes."  Dear Torben...I hope I may accomplish what you ask...

Yet when I look at him, I fear that I may somehow lose him, or has a part of him been lost to me? Perhaps not. I know at least his feelings for me have not changed, and neither has mine. But who am I in the light of his responsibilities? We are both believers in the Great Balance...and he has always been so much more attuned to our Lady's calling. Torben is my mentor, but how can he be a lover as well? Is this even possible, when we must keep our eyes on the larger picture? And do I even have any right to dip this balance, and ask him to put me before his work?

I've not slept again tonight, and doubt I shall find rest soon. The more answers I seek, the more they elude me...

[Kilaana]

Month 5, Day 23, Hour 22
Sleep eludes me once again this night. Unuldor is in reverie, but here I am lying wide awake with my thoughts.

"If you change your mind, Sable...", and I remember the way the candles lit my name carved on the gold band he showed me.

I expected a huge argument. I waited for him to give me another one of those cold looks before turning his back to me without even a goodnight, but they never came.

"Is that all?" he said, nodding as he sat among those pillows. His legs still hurt, but we'd visited the temple crypts earlier that evening anyway with Lady Fadra Alowen; Unuldor insisting that he wished to keep his mind sharp with a few spells in the right places. Finally he said, "They are both good men, Sable. I don't blame you. After all...what right do I have to judge you?"

Yet tonight I feel Kelemvor's whispers upon my soul again. I am ever thankful to Unuldor for his loving understanding, though I can see that it must take great effort on his part to tolerate this. But can I trust him again? Unuldor, like a steady blue flame...and me, the wild autumn winds. What will be our end? Will we build the greatest bonfire to warm our lives, or will we smother each other in darkness?

Forgive me, your Majesty, Great One of the Forest, but each day that I live, brings me closer to Kelemvor's embrace.

"Choose one, choose all, or choose none, Sable," were Miss Maria's words. Should I not be glad I have found my answers? Nay...not in this despair that cloaks my heart in an iron grip. Would that I surrender...but what of young Alyntha? She is terrified of this new world she was thrust into, and so, so naive. An innocent, like a young doe. She needs my protection, and I will watch over her as much as I can. She will not know my work, but I should at least be there for her....yet His whispers are difficult to ignore..

[Kilaana]

Month 6, Day 14, Hour 20
Megan has been very accomodating for the past few weeks, but I fear I have overstayed her welcome, even though she insists I should remain for as long as I want. I have learnt much from her, though there is a lot more to the local flora and fauna I have yet to discover. Even Megan herself says her studies are neverending, and I can certainly understand. This was a break I needed, some time alone, focusing on the work I've always set out to do. Ever since we escaped the orc raid, I've not had much time to devote myself to furthering what Mortent has taught me before he died.

I left her house early this morning, but by nightfall, there was trouble in the temple graveyard...trouble from the restless dead, trouble by the name of young John Ferro, who proclaims to be a paladin. I can't quite figure out this young man, marching up and down the street like a garda, yet a garda he is not.

New faces too, dwarven ones, elven ones, I have not seen...ah, the elves. Unuldor. Same long-legged walk, same smile, same golden eyes. Yet he wears his hair differently now, and it seems he has acquired some new armor. I see a few lines on his face where I never noticed before - Mother called them worry lines, the ones that appear between the eyes, and around the corners of our mouth. Unuldor also has laugh lines, those appear at the ends of our eyes when we laugh. Still...I sense a melancholy in him, a certain sadness, or is it just my imagination? I know he does not seem the youthful elf he was when we first met. This one is older, wiser.

What irks me is that Joey has seduced Eldur. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him put his arm around her. I'm not actually jealous...yes, perhaps some...but more than that, I worry that he will end up getting hurt. Does he know about Joey's unstability? I hope for his sake, she is still the gentle, loving and kind person I knew once, long ago...

Long ago..... .

[Kilaana]

Month 6, Day 27, Hour 8
Much has changed, and dare I say that is an understatement. A part of me is amazed at the leniency of the Count the allowance of a marketplace outside the Lady's Rest. Perhaps he assumes it will be easier to keep an eye on outlandish activity if it is all gathered in one place. Though, I must say, it warms the heart to see something so familiar again...the markets on the first mornings of each week in the town square....the smell of bread, spices and wares from afar, and the little pantomime shows in the street corner....

There is a change in my friends too. Eldur seems so troubled. He is not the person I once knew, who walked with his head held high and a steady spirit. From his eyes I sensed a profound loss; his angry words, his desperation, his frustration, his restlessness. Now he curls up in dark corners, as if turning his back on the world. He is in denial, the path in the grey woods of our souls where we struggle with what we don't want to accept. But I know that once he reaches the Great Evergreen at the end of the road, he will find peace in his heart. He will need reminders, of the love and care from the ones around him, and his noble spirit and strength must not be crushed if we are not to lose such a dear friend.

Of Unuldor, I sensed a change as well, though perhaps it seems more subtle than I thought. I cannot believe he is taking alcohol, the taste of which he likes not very much, and its effects even less. He seems to be losing a certain edge, that which kept him in fine control of his mage powers. It sounds silly, but instead of lighting our campfire last night, he obliterated it entirely with a column of fire. This worries me...Unuldor is an elf who knows his strengths and weaknesses as a hawk knows itself and its prey. To see him lose control worries and pains me.

He spends a great deal of money on me as well. Yesterday he bestowed upon me an exquisite ruby ring set in fine gold. It is beautiful to behold, but the cost...I dare not imagine. Each gift he brings me is becoming more expensive than the last. Is this a recklessness driven by love, or something else? I am concerned.

That reminds me...I must procure that bastardsword soon. My training must begin quickly, the longer I wait, the more darkness falls around me. I will not lose the ones I love, and I will die trying to prevent it so.

[Kilaana]

Month 6, Day 30, Hour 2
Everyone has gone to bed. It is quiet at the inn for once, and I am glad. Just me, the fireplace, and a glass of tsuika...

What is this blasphemy, that arrived in the form of an elven child with emerald eyes and hair black like the night? Is this supposed to be Unuldor's child? ...It does not look like him. Wait...it has his nose, and his steady, calm gaze. It has his father's blood, but none of mine!

...Mielikki, steady my heart, stay my hand, I am so close....so close to sending that child to Kelemvor's cold, damned grasp!

Karavas protects the child too, I see. Perhaps because it is elven? I cannot understand their language, but I am no fool. Or does he do it because we are his friends?

Stop. Stop, Sable. Be still, my heart. Let not the darkness claim me...you have pledged yourself to the service of our Great Lady, and so you shall preserve an innocent life, Sable, even if you hate it. Even if its very existence torments your soul. ...But I can't....that witch seduced him and took him to her bed! How I detest her soul! I want her DEAD! I want to send a quiverful of Vajra into her and watch her body bleed and tremble with a thousand electric currents....I want to watch her cry out for mercy...and give her NONE!

I must find him soon....and tell him i am ready for my training. I have found my sword, but its hilt is unwieldy yet, I must train with something simpler, lighter....where is Suzannah?! I will seek out her wares tomorrow. Surely she will have a simple blade for me to work with...yes...yes...there will be blood....no...I can't...Be still, Sable! This is not the way! ....but this is betrayal! That child will be a bane, a thorn...No! ...Stop...stop it...be calm, Sable....

[Kilaana]

Month 7, Day 16, Hour 3

Sleep again eludes me, but this time for a far more pleasant purpose. Ameldor stays awake virtually all night, every night, but if I were to blame it on anything it would be just his elven blood. Even though his smiles and the keen intelligence in those bright green eyes lift my spirits no end, I fear the lack of sleep has started to take its toll on my health, made worse by the persistently cold weather.

I have been harbouring a bad cough for a few weeks now, but I try to ignore it. The food in this land is not like what we have in Tantras...this doesn't promote wellbeing at all.

I have to continue working on my medicinal studies, and attend class at Kitty's school. She must be wondering what has happened to me - I've not even attended a first lesson there at all. As for Unuldor, work seems to preoccupy him a lot, so I try not to get in his way now that he has found a new career that seems to bring him the sort of fulfillment and happiness I've not seen in him for a long time. The work is dangerous, but Unuldor thrives on danger, just like how it was in Athas.

My worry now iis how I can provide for Ameldor when Rose is not around. I can't keep on feeding him goat's milk...if only I was carrying a child, I could be more of a mother to Ameldor. But...are we ready for more children?

[Kilaana]

(Hey folks, thanks for keeping up with Sable's ongoing story. To quote words from another player here, please do remember this is meant to be the inner thoughts and feelings of said character, and should be kept OOC. I have no issues if you wish to address her events in-game, PM or something so we can work something out, but please remember this knowledge remains OOC until your character discovers it through playing in the game. Thank you.)

Month 9, Day 6, Hour 13

I have not rested this well in a long time. This bed, luxurious and more than anything I've ever slept in; we have for the first time in many months, Unuldor and I, made love till the wee hours of morn.

Sometimes I think I can trust him, other times I wonder if he keeps things from me? I questioned him last night, yet I get the feeling that his faith in Marle, the Ezrite Toret, is blind. I have seen how pale she looks underneath that cowl, her gaze chills me, and whenever we are in the chapel, she watches me and Ameldor in a way I don't like. I stay away from the Keep as much as I can...as much as possible without arousing Unuldor's suspicions. I don't like how that place feels, and if the things the other Ezrites are telling me are true, then I must find a way to inform Unuldor without offending him. At least he is open to believing it is possible that she is an undead...but most of the time, he still believes she is just an unfortunate soul.

The other Ezrites seem too willing to believe the rumours. They came to my aid the other night, with Belinda's help of course...- admittedly I have read the First Book of Ezra and sympathise with the Pure Heart - such a relief to be in the light when darkness surrounded me, my Lady!  The face of death upon a purple sun!  He appears in my dreams and my waking moments...I know not his name but his image is familiar...was I ever so unsure of myself, my Lady?

Which is truth and which is deceit? Who is friend and who is foe? Is he the one closest to me my eternal true love, or will I wake up at Kelemvor's gates with his blade in my heart?

I hope I don't need to stay too long at the Keep. I should check if Kolgrim and Gina are fine...and I have questions to ask the Church. Those three men who attacked us...from their speech and manner, they must have been Barovian. I am sure of it now, the more I think upon it. I don't trust Unuldor's commander either. He mentioned he has someone in the garda to help, but the Boyar work for the Zeklos. And the Zeklos are under the Count. If what I've heard is true, we are in a lot more danger than we know.

[Kilaana]

Month 9, Day 8, Hour 11


Marle. ...Marle. ...Marle.

...What good will these tears do for her? They won't heal her wounds nor erase the horrendous suffering etched in her memory. I cannot forget her words, and the pain in them. She was ever honest, and hid nothing from us. 

She cannot accept traditional healing. I think I will talk to her about repairing the chapel at the Keep instead. I know that will cheer her up. We will need carpenters, masons, new rugs and fresh flowers. But how can we get those? I wonder if the Zeklos family will be willing to sponsor us some funds.

I still don't understand why the other Ezrites condemn her...I don't even know how to approach Erik now! If Ezra was here, I'm pretty certain this is not quite the thing she had in mind when it came to helping the weak and battling the legions. No...not this petty politicking. Is it even possible to bridge this gap between them?

I wish I could hold her and tell her that everything will be fine. That she has friends. I should start with the chapel first...

[Kilaana]

Month 9, Day 15, Hour 2

I have crossed the Boundary and the Gates...all I can remember now is pain and a distant linger of what was and what should have been.

Mielikki my Great Lady stands under the Eternal Tree. She beckons with a toss of her horn, a great sweep of her hooves, and the light of the World shines upon Her, that She may drive out the Spawns of Malar, and protect the Great Balance.

I see Her in every leaf, in every sparrow, in every cloud, in every soul.


She calls to me, I am one of her Wardens, but This Day I cannot reply... . A great darkness swirls about us, and suddenly I am ever so far away from Her, too sudden, too soon.


"Wait!" I cry, but then a great Voice speaks to me:

"Come, dear Sable. Do not be afraid."


It is a woman's voice. Gentle, brave and kind. Strong. Demanding. Mysterious.


I step through an invisible Boundary, knowing what must be left behind, and I weep.
The darkness surrounds me with black endless shapes, but they do not harm me, and I realise this is merely illusion...a vision perhaps, of what I have embraced.

I am buoyant, feeling keenly the sword in my hand and Ezra's light inside me. A white mist chills me, yet I am warm. There is no sun. I turn around, to see the Great Tree, and Mielikki, and I weep once again...

[Kilaana]

Month 9, Day 18, Hour 11

Mordent, my most beloved teacher of medicine, once said to me: "To be afraid is to be human; to feel pain is to realise joy." He often came out with quotes like that when I least expected it - especially in the middle of a lesson - at the time it simply annoyed and intrigued me, but now it all makes perfect sense.

I cannot remember much of what happened yesterday. All I know is the rush of adrenaline, standing there in front of our small humble congregation, leading them in prayer. My first time! Bless Toret Marle, who gave me a chance to bring our Faithful to Ezra.

And then...the first rocks fell...but I carried on! The prayers had to be finished, lest they did not reach Ezra, and for certain we would need her Blessings as we started the new day. Everything else seemed to rush by then. I felt a burning white light behind me, I was somewhere else. In a void lingering between nothing and reality, I prayed that Ezra would guide our hand and hearts as we did Her Work.

I saw Mordent, lying face down in a pool of his own blood, that wretched axe buried deep in his back. I remembered my mother's screams, and Father crying,

"Get out of here, Sable! LEAVE!"  as the house collapsed unto itself, with the wretched brutish war-cries of the orcs around us.

The Heat was unbearable, but I pressed on!

And then...blackness surrounded me...Unuldor....a man whom I knew not but whom I recognised in our congregation...they must have brought me in somehow, and then I could remember nothing more.

Later, Unuldor told me that the Sword was crying. Whether from pain or anger, I know not, but I found that hard to believe. How can a sword cry?

[Kilaana]

Month 9, Day 20, Hour 2

The candle burns late into the night, but sleep eludes me. I lie awake staring at the ceiling, searching for the answers I have yet to find, but am determined to seek.

Her Voice echoes in my mind over and over, like a plea...a cry for mercy. I saw at once again her Altar, bathed in the greenish glow of Life and the twin likenesses of Herself on either side.

Truth. What is Truth? What is Truth when one man's Right is another's Wrong? How shall I judge them? How should We bring them forth to Ezra?

It takes not a wise man to know that it is near impossible to change the minds of men who have been set in their ways and opinions. Even when you wave Truth in their faces, when their Hearts are blind it is of no import at all.

But there is the matter of Truth again...and there are also my questions. From whence did the Sword come, and why is it ensconced with Us and not the Church in Vallaki? What else is there that i must learn? I feel like I am standing in a sea of rushing water...going with the tide, yet the current flows all too quickly. Again that sense of urgency. That feeling that I must know more, and that I have so little time!

May Ezra my Blessed Deliverer give me the guidance to be discerning, and the wisdom and compassion to be Her Servant...for it is She who saw the Suffering, and suffered Herself to lay down the Path in this Darkest of Nights.

[Kilaana]

Month 9, Day 25, Hour 1

We had dreams. Dreams of life together, away from all this darkness. I told him tales of Waterdeep and the icy cities of the North, legends told by my grandmother, but never saw with mine eyes.

With Unuldor, we would find a home together, and start a family.

I would show him what life was like without the desert sand getting into his eyes - that desert land he called "Athas" -  and monstrosities lurking in every corner, where survival of the fittest was supreme...and all of that which he sought to escape from.

And yet tonight, I feel at once elated yet terrified. Have I walked into a lion's den...is there a way out? Should I die, will Unuldor die with me? He always says that without me, he would have failed his oath to protect me, and so would he leave his life too. An oath he made by my very eyes - the symbolic rune burned into his flesh when he asked me. It was over so quickly, yet for days he lay weakened from the self-inflicted burn. And in those worrisome days, I cared for him, and from then on he has ever been faithful to me.

I am so tired...I can barely focus on Ameldor's needs, but he has been a good child. Yet I will wait and watch....and learn, if Ezra wills it, She will Deliver me to the Task. She will guide me, to my role in the Grand Scheme.

I feel Her light in me, burning sometimes like a white-hot flame when I call to Her, and She answers....yet not in the way I want. Light surrounds me...and I wonder if I am truly Blessed...?...but I keep on, and pray for Her Guidance.

Unuldor...just you and I...a house by the sea. You will like the sound of the water, my love. So calming, so pure. ...Is it too much to ask for?

My Lady Ezra....please show me, Your True Self...!

[Kilaana]

(Please again, keep this information OOC for your reading pleasure. It is really dismaying if a player has to resolve to meta-gaming, that is just not gaming professionlism. Please be considerate, thank you!)

Month 9, Day 27, Hour 3

(voices, disjointed, a male and a female, in her head, as if recalling a memory)

"We are the Fourth Sect...!"

"...This is the Fifth Sect, Marle has the papers."

"This is the Fourth Sect!!"

(an angry murmuring) "...Why must you accept it?"

"This is the way to the Fourth Sect......Don't you understand? We will be!"

"....We will be!"

[Kilaana]

Month 9, Day 29, Hour 7

Ameldor cried for the first time in his entire young life today. He has never cried before; the brave, good child he is like his father. And surely only those truly cold-blooded, would not endeavour to comfort such a wanton call of distress! Though I am not his true mother, he is mine and I thought I loved him before, but today brought me on my knees in realization of what sort of mother I really have been, to have caused him such distress. Forgive me, my little one, what a mother I have been!

I tried so hard to protect him, I took the pain for him, yet his heart-rending cries still echo in my ears long after the ordeal was over. Besides that, I have failed my husband, Unuldor. For the first time, seeing him lose control, frightens me. I feared he would die had I not stopped him - commanded him to do so - by Ezra, I love him..! I wish not to lose him.

Ezra, my Guardian, my Guide....I am on my knees. Is Truth enough? What of Hope? My Blessed Lady Ezra...how does one stare in the face of death and find life? She means so much to me. I have lost two mentors - Mordent, bless his soul, to darkness; Torben, may Mielikki grant you health, his memories to the Mists...memories which make who we are. I will NOT lose Marle now!!!

I tasted pain this day; for a moment I reveled in it..Haha! I reveled with my Toret Marle! I felt that something, buried deep within her, a kinship?...as we both reveled in our pain! Oh Ezra....forgive me! It was wicked, wicked, but WE REVELED!! Reveled to see those who deserved to suffer, suffered at OUR HANDS!!

I fear not pain now, yes...pain will not daunt me to my task. I will cry out to you, oh Ezra, Blessed Guardian in the Mists! ...But what it is to linger between that fine line between the living and the dead...that soul-less, cold grey wasteland...how painful it must be, to move amongst the living, yet not be one with it. Such denial to a life that once was. Indeed cruel, indeed hateful. What dark deeds could have caused such a state of agony...?

...What is it like to look death in its face? Embrace, and die with it?....my Lady Ezra, if You Guide Us, then, like seed bursting forth in the dark into the sun, would You bring the dead back to life? Shall I, by Your Will, sleep in the Legion's cold, dark embrace and slay them in Their slumber?

May I be Your humble servant. Amen.

[Kilaana]

Month 10, Day 2, Hour 2

Pain. Neverending this night. The wounds were healed, yet the heart hurts, bitterly.

Solace comes in his arms, I remember his breathing, the sound of his steady heartbeat. He has never slept so soundly, nay, for elves tire less than us. And yet I thank Ezra endlessly that he finds trust and peace enough to sleep in my human embrace.

How little they understand you, my love! Only the wise will see your sense of duty, that fierce devotion and limitless strength, both in body and soul that you love me with. That fey, they laugh, a madman, so arrogant, keeping to himself all the time! But do they know the burdens you carry, my precious? Do they know what you face alone, in the Darkness?

How can I tell you what transpired today as you were sent out of the chapel? You barely spoke to me after the first time it happened. I won't tell you of today, my love...let not your dreams be twisted nightmares, for you have laboured hard and long for us.

And yet how should I say to you what I know? Time is so short, and the Darkness fast approaching. I am ill-equipped for this battle; I know you will defend me with your life, but who will defend you?

I love you....and I will do everything in my power to see that you are by my side always. Should we fall, then we will fall together.

As for this pain, it lingers, the pain of deceit, of loss, and now emptiness. What I thought I was, now I am nothing.

[Kilaana]

Month 10, Day 5, Hour 9

My Toret....we have reached a place called Port-a-Lucine. The journey seemed quite short, but the gypsy man mentioned the mists, so I guess that must have played some part on the strange reduction of travel time.

You will like it here; it is a city of beauty, my Toret, with many parks and natural scenery to outmatch those of Vallaki. They sell a strange liquid called 'coffee', of which Unuldor seems to take to it like water. Three cups he downed at a go...! But I made him buy me a silk gown of white and red in return for his indulgence. Can you believe that? They have a marvelous jewelry shop too, items of splendour that none could afford too easily in Barovia. Ah...someday I shall return here and purchase that emerald necklace I have set my heart on!

I wish I could start from the beginning, but I know not how to express what I feel at this time. I suppose Unuldor has already told you of our plans to take a holiday for a while....if we like it here maybe we might not even return. I feel terrible leaving you at such a time...but...you see, my Toret, I am not sure if things can ever be the same again.

I know what you are. And yet to face you with an accusation is not something I want to do. Not when my heart is reeling with the emptiness that still lingers from the ministrations dealt by your hands. ...I know what you will say; this is pain we should endure, as part of the Fifth Revelation, if we are to battle the Legions and understand their ways then pain is an enemy we must first overcome! But when you struck me with those blows, it broke my heart.

I have seen Ezra's angels touch your hand, and I have seen your work done in Her name. If others had asked me....I would have said that you never harmed anyone without reason; when you did, it was because we were fulfilling the Scriptures of the Fifth. But is this a right way, my Toret? Or is there a better way?

Twofold is the emptiness within my heart - one as I have described, the other a sense of loss...of what a great role we would have played together, as Ezra wills it, in the Grand Scheme! Yet I know truths that I wish I could talk to you about but I fear your wrath! Who is right and who is wrong!

"What we take, we keep..."  sayeth the dark visions that appeared to Unuldor as he traversed Bluetspur.
My Toret....you will not hear these thoughts of mine now, but I wish by Ezra you could! My Toret....the dead have no mercy...nor will you. The battle rages on inside of me; you have shown me nothing but kindness and compassion as best as your role allows. But how do I know your intent is not deceitful?

I dared to believe the best of you. I want to. When everyone else says naught but the worst of you, I wish to cry, "No! See what is good in her!"
But I do not know if I can do that right now. What should I do...oh, Ezra, what should I do?

[Kilaana]

Month 10, Day 8, Hour 7

It was no surprise that we would be back from our brief respite so quickly. Even then, a few days of the blue sea, enchanting sights and sounds of Dementlieu made me happier than I have ever been ever since the Mists snatched me from Faerun. I sensed this coming anyway...Unuldor still has his job with the Boyar Garda to continue. Regardless of all the rumours surrounding the Keep, it is at least a steady income.

I wish to speak with Toret...this may seem mad in the light of recent events, but I still care about her, and I feel I owe her an explanation at least...

[Kilaana]

Month 10, Day 12, Hour 11

I haven't had a chance to talk to Toret, and at this point I am not sure there is anything I can say to her without invoking her ire. She has found her herald, her knight, and her sacred purpose, and regardless of all the rumours, I wish not to intervene. I wish not to pick sides at this point either - it seems so futile to me. The more I think of it, the more it draws me away from what I see as Ezra's true intent. Needless to say, a part of me is disappointed that she never saw fit to be honest with me about what she really is...imortji as everyone calls her.

I fear for the safety of my family, my friends, and the people on both sides of this spiritual war. Somehow politics got involved and now it is not just about the Church but about Vallaki and the Boyar as well. Strange...I thought the last trip with Ambassador Lavinia Niculaie to see the Burgomaster went quite well. But now things just seem worse than ever.

I am always impressed with the efficiency and intelligence of the Boyar-Garda; but I have not seen them deal with prisoners or the "calibans" as they call them, so I should not judge too soon. At least I can say Lance Corporal Meik is by far one of the most well-mannered I have met in so long, and the man Kruschev demonstrates great leadership and fine work. This also I might say for most if not all of the garda under him.

The long chat with Kol and Eve today in the Drain reminded me how far removed I have been with reality, shut up so often in the Keep. I value endlessly their honesty and friendship, they are the ones who keep me grounded. As for Unuldor, he is such a traditionalist that I feel he might not like it if I said I wanted him to take an equal share of the responsibility of our child. I try not to say anything, knowing that he has many other responsibilities to handle, but somehow I can't help but feel my role as a mother/nursemaid is taken for granted.

[Kilaana]

Month 10, Day 17, Hour 18

Summer seems to be finally upon us, but I wonder how soon before the bitter cold returns like a plague upon this land. The words of my friends still echo in my mind, the words of Kol, Eve, Erik and Warden Ward...I cannot fault them for thinking as they do, yet a part of me wonders if I am the only one who was willing to keep an open mind and open heart to seek the Truth, to face It, and to judge It as It is?

I have returned to the Keep against the advice of many, and it is a difficult decision; more difficult still in the light of these rumours and accusations. Am I daft? Have I lost my mind? Have I been turned over to the devil?

And yet I always believed, that there is Light in Darkness. The part of me that always believed there are exceptions to the rule, until proven otherwise. After all, were not the greatest saints once persecuted for their radical beliefs? How quick to condemn the things we find unfamiliar, different...how often we look on the surface of a pool and failed to see its deepest depths and the wondrous secrets it holds.

If I am wrong in my judgement, then may Ezra our Blessed Guardian deliver and show me the right path to my role in the Grand Scheme, because I know then that I have held true to Her despite my mortal failings.

[Kilaana]

Month 10, Day 20, Hour 23

These robes are new against my skin, robes of white and finest pale green chain, gloves and shoes of deepest emerald. Together they are the colours of life and death, purity and submission, peace and eternity. I know not what overcame me yesterday as Toret bid me offer a sermon to our humble congregation, but the words I spoke, I spoke from my heart.

Sitting here in bed, I can barely recall most of it; the ceremony that came afterwards was simple, swift and quiet, like the way our role should be as humble warriors for Her Glory. A part of me still doesn't dare to believe I am now Warden Hart; I suppose I was never one much for titles, or perhaps I feel I should live up to that title somehow. Perhaps I am too hasty to get things done...but there will be much to do in the coming days.

As I walk down the halls of the Keep in my new robes, I cannot help but wonder, the same thing I have been wondering for a long time now - When will the Dilisnya Church allow themselves a chance to understand what we do? I wonder if I should write a letter to Warden Ward, and tell her of my experiences? Do I hope to change her mind? ...By Ezra! If only that notion did not seem so futile! Yes, I wonder how useless this effort would be....surely they will tear apart the letter, and proclaim me lost to the devil! And yet...and yet....could one simple letter, like a candle in the dark, offer some concession to their opinions?

Courage, Warden! This task will not be easy, and it may fall on deaf ears, but no effort shall be wasted when you do it with true intent!

[Kilaana]

Month 10, Day 23, Hour 0

...What should I do?

I can't tell Unuldor this. Not after how he reacted when we lost the first child still in my womb. If he knows about last night's attack...he will...oh Ezra, I cannot imagine his rage! It took us so many tries to have another....But I had to defend Private Arxisdram! Foul wretch who murdered him and stole his body..! I should have known...that thing would not stop to speak even though I bade him halt!

...What shall I do?! I do not want to be locked in again like some invalid! Unuldor will surely do that if he knows about this..!

I fear I might fail to conceive again after this. Two miscarriages in a year and half, it will be several long months before my womb can begin to recover...

Oh Ezra, Ezra...why!


//OOCly, it would have been nice if the player RP'd with me a bit more instead of just bashing me up until I bleed to death...knowing you are much stronger than me also...even if your character intends to kill me anyway, at least let me RP it out with you to make it more meaningful....*sigh*

[Kilaana]

Month 10, Day 25, Hour 22

How little we know
How much we fear
The darkest night,
The smallest dire sight!

A breath, a sigh,
Slam!
Goes the window,
Away! we cry!

Save us, plead we
From the Legions of the Night!
Suffer not our children
The Time is nigh!

But this heresy, we say
Such blasphemy impossible!
Madness, most probable!
How can it save the day?