Ravenloft: Prisoners of the Mist

Within the swirling Mist (IC) => Biographies => Topic started by: Raven Credale on September 11, 2021, 11:01:47 AM

Title: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on September 11, 2021, 11:01:47 AM
These mist filled lands always seem to hide some sort of Illusion or lie to them. As entertaining as it is to see individuals stride towards an unknown foe or battle, I find it all so pathetic in the end. Even those that seek power through dark arts and means hold a sense of liability in my eyes. This doesn't mean I haven't found some to be a good card to have, though I still don't know if I -should- fully trust them yet.

People change like the ocean waves. And those waves can be unforgivable. In any case, I will keep my guard up and avoid the strings of manipulation. I do so hate when others believe me to be a puppet for their meaningless games. It makes them far to boring and predictable.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on September 11, 2021, 10:55:11 PM
Something in my gut tells me it's time to start looking for new companions to travel with. Sad as it may be to cut some ties...it's for the betterment of my survival to not get tangled up in certain webs. Suppose it will be many days advertising my skills once more and not actually getting a chance to use them...perhaps I should remove the Merchant part of my sign...I am...still not as good as I could be for that...not as good as others anyways...
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on September 12, 2021, 11:04:08 AM
    Winter is drawing closer, fall has started already bit as it passes I cannot help but remember the days back in Baldur's Gate. Before I was an assisted to the owner there and before the Mists. I remember the harsh cold, the icey air as it stabbed my lungs. I remember my feet, bare to the frost covered ground and chilled to a point I thought I'd lose some toes of my feet themselves. How I managed to survive for so long is both a mystery and a miracle to me. I...had no one...it was just me for a long time.

     Just...Fleurina...the only real part of my identity. I can't really remember the earlier parts of my life. I feel like there was someone there that let me alive when I couldn't keep myself alive. I heavily doubt an infant can really steal or take care of itself. So this mysterious person was there then they left before I could remember them. It's funny to think of such things now when there's really no point. That person whomever they might have been, is possibly long gone by now. And with me being in the Mists I may never find them. It would be ironic to come across them here. But...heavily unlikely.

     In any case, I need to keep focused on my own survival and not something lost to time. I've only myself to care for, so I won't let the past consume my conscientious mind. Here and Now, that's all that matters.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on September 13, 2021, 03:33:53 PM
It still perplexes me, the idea of showing a person like me kindness. It is...hard for me to fully wrap my mind around. I know what it is...And I have been exposed to it before getting misted but...even in the past I have always felt there was some alternative motive behind such acts. Where the other party sought to gain something by offering me friendship.

  I recall in the past that there was a time where I was oblivious to the harsh reality of the world. Where people wore fake smiles to mask their real intentions. That is what I am use to. The only person I wasn't so guarded with was my old mentor and Foster Father. He was a sweet man, use to call me his Darling Lilium. There were even days where the flower would be in my room by the window back home...I think it was the one flower that held meaning for me. Then again, he would always ask why I never wore any of the pretty clothing or dresses he bought me. Why I would always go out with my face covered and dressed in dark clothing.

 I don't think I ever gave him an honest answer when he asked. I think I just lofted a shoulder and said why not. I even remember there was a day that he and I got into a fight...and how I blatantly shouted at him that 'he wasn't my true father'. I remember seeing the pain in his kind eyes...and I remember seeing how my words caused his heart to break a bit.

I... shouldn't have said such a hurtful thing. Not to the person who gave me so much back then. A place to stay, to learn and to grow. Why...did I say that? What was the fight even about? I can't recall that part...Maybe in time I'll remember.

  I just hope he's forgiven his Darling Lilium...
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on September 17, 2021, 04:05:39 PM
These past few days has me recalling a story my Foster Father once told me. It was about a girl who became a muse for a devil. In the story she was made to hide her face at all times, if she showed it to anyone they'd scream in shock and horror, not because she was hideous or ugly. But because she had an unparallel beauty about her. So the girl hid her face from the whole world. Little did she know, her beauty caught the attention of a young Devil. He would watch her from afar and secretly send her gifts. At first the girl was scared and unsure of the gifts. She was afraid it was a mere joke, but as time went on and the gifts continued to come, the girl became more and more curious. Who was this secret admirer that had gone to such length?

Eventually she got her answer, on a moonless night the Devil appeared before her in human form. The girl shook at the sight of him, but it was not fear that caused her to do so. Surprise yes, but something about him made her...relax. As if she did not need to hide.

"Why do you keep such a beautiful face hidden from the world my dear?" The devil asked as he softly drew the girl hood back.

"Because, many run from the sight of me. Or they call me a freak." The girl replied.

"I see no such thing about you. I see a sad and lonely girl. Tell me, did my gifts bring a smile?" He offered her a toothy smile.

"They did. And for the longest of times I was unsure of who might have sent them. I knew it was not one of the towns folk, and the gifts felt more mysterious than something from the gods. But...I must ask, why have you taken such interest in this mortal woman. You, who is a devil and can out live me." The girl asked.

The devil was quiet as he studied the girl before softly chuckling. "I will admit that I had no intentions of being interested. But it was your smile that swayed me my dear. Each time you opened a gift, you smile made something in this cold heart beat again. And though I may out live you, your beauty will never die in my eyes." ...

It was a sweet story, however the ending is all to sad. The girl is killed by the towns folk for being a devil worshiper. And the Devil, after going through the necessary means to become human for the girl, learns of her fate all to late. And so...he joins her in death. Even if it meant that they are suffering in different ways. I remember how I'd look at my Foster Father and ask "Why can't they just meet again in the next life and live there?" His answer for that was always "Some souls are not meant to cross paths more than once in existence my Darling Lilium. Some souls merely graze one another and some simply stay with each other. But death is one thing that separates them. But the souls that do meet again? Now that is true eternity. We are not meant to fight death, it comes regardless of what we try. Those who reject death become undead."

"What about life?" I'd ask.

"Life happens much like Death. You may try to shut it out, and you can ignore it all you want. But life has a funny way of always happening. Even for broody little girls in dark clothing." He was reply while a boop to my nose.

I've not thought about that time for years now. And I still feel sorry for the two lovers in that. Never together and forever apart. But I suppose there's a lesson in there somewhere.

Never fall for something like a devil. No matter what they might say or do. It will end fatally.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on September 18, 2021, 03:11:28 PM
Lately I find myself thinking of my younger self. Of the little girl that would do what she needed in order to stay alive. How the strings she would pull and the lies she would tell to avoid unnecessary trouble. Sometimes I wonder what she would have been like if the world was not so cruel to her. If she would have lived a normal life. Or a life of someone who's name meant something. I wonder if she would have been one of the Ladies like those in Port. Ignorant of the reality outside the city walls. Where bandits and thieves are the only thing to worry about. I wonder if that Fleurina would be able to have had a better life. One where it is not so dark of a path to walk. She would have shown her face more, graced suitors with a smile even. But ...I know that is not me. Perhaps in a different world or in a different life all together that might have been me.

   But that is not the path I choose to walk. No, the little girl I had been chos to walk in the Twilight of the world. She sees the Shadows and what lurks within, she sees the light and what basks in the glow. Yet she and I feel more at home within the Elegant Twilight. There is a somberness, a mysterious to the twilight hours. The feeling that you are in one place but also in another. As if there was a Fable twenty fifth hour to a clock. But the moment is fleeting and many do not realize the beauty when Light and Shadow dance with one another.

But...I suppose that can be understandable. Humans, mortal creatures are the two combined into one being. We dance the mysterious waltz of light and shadows, and it ends when we break off to dance with one or the other. Not many remain partnered with the Twilight,either they are lead to ruin by the Shadows...or carried to valor by the Light. Yet, I refuse such partners. For the Twilight of the world and those that dance with in it's grace, are the only partners I ever wish to dance with. Those free to choose their own paths, their own fates and not be lead by Light or Shadow...those are the partners I enjoy dancing with.

They may not last, and we may stumble at times. But the beautiful Twilight is still there casting it's glow and shades upon us, it's guest, while we dance through the waltz we've come to call Life.

....Looking back at this now, after writing it all out. I find myself amused. Mayhaps I am losing myself to to much thinking. Or maybe i am enjoying the dance.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on September 19, 2021, 02:14:49 PM
The fancy rooms of the keep make me uncomfortable. It feels like I'm out of place. A black blot of ink on perfectly white parchment...I do not like the fancy decorum, the posh feeling of the rooms or the brightness of the colors. And when I dreamed last night, it was not pleasant.

Again I saw my younger self. She smiled a moment before she kneeled down and covered her ears. She screamed in silence and I could already tell it was because of some loud noise. The sounds of a busy market day, the sounds of merchants peddling their wares along the streets. Performers and bards being to loud for her to fully take in all the noise. She longed for the silence, for the one place she felt at ease. Where hardly anyone would see her or hear her. For only the select few to notice her.

I knew, I saw, and I felt that need. I hate fancy and posh things. They're not for me. As far as fine clothing and expensive jewelry...I would prefer the latter or none at all. If anything my tastes In jewelry will go only as far as something that I can hide. Perhaps in time...that lone piece could hold a secret meaning. But...I'd need to figure out what the meaning would be and if it can be shared with select others.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on September 21, 2021, 03:27:11 PM
I am young and I am still willing to learn and experience new things....

It's been a long time since I've said that phrase. It was something akin to trust for me. A way that I would show someone that I've no reservations about them. Part of me wonders if I should change that or phrase it better ...or use it in better context than what I used it for today. Regardless, there are very few who I trust here. Even fewer back in Faerun. Though what still perplexes me is why someone would take an interest in me.

These thoughts spawned from a conversation I had, and I began to wonder myself about why someone would take interest in me. Sure I've moments of wisdoms and playful comments, but deep down...I don't believe many would maintain an interest with someone who can act as a simple shadow. Hmmm...perhaps I should cease these thoughts of mine and get back to something more productive. This new weapon of mine will not clean itself.

But to be honest, I never considered myself to be an eye catcher. I simple go about my days as if no one will notice me. Even when the spot light is on me I've the urge to simply turn it off and act as though I am not worth the praise others give me. Ridicule and scorn are more common to me than those who are nice. Perhaps I have detached myself from morality as a whole and only allow a small select few to get close.

Not a very big social circle I have....but...I suppose it will have to do. I think all I really need in this life is that one very good friend....or at lest a purple swan in my little bevy. Who knows.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on September 22, 2021, 09:34:25 AM
Winter...a terrible season for me. Not only is it cold but it is a season that stole someone dear to me. Someone who...I may not have been able to survive without til now. The first person I ever loved really. I can see it so clearly even now. It was a harsh winter day, we had just gotten done warming ourselves by the smith in the Lower City. I was still in rags, no older than ten as well. My friend, a boy named Xhi, was unfortunately a half drow. A run away from the Underdark who was lucky enough to smuggle himself onto a traders cart. He never told me which drow city he was from, but he hated it there. He also said that he wasn't like his fathers people...I assumed the drow at the time.

     But...that was something I never got confirmed. Because that night is when the mob came. They had seen Xhi and they knew what he was. I...I was afraid, Xhi told me to hide and to stay quiet. Before the mob came for him. He looked at me, offered me a warm smile then left into the darkness of the night. Eventually the mob showed up and was about to find me when one had a rock throw at the back of his head. A wave of dread washed over me as I saw the mob turn their head like a collective towards the direction the rock had been thrown. And that wave crashed down on me when I saw them all run. I knew Xhi had caused it...I knew they were going to kill him.

     But it didn't lessen the sight and pain of seeing -what- they did to my beloved Xhi. In the morning I came out of my hiding spot. I'd fallen asleep but I did not dream that night. I remembered that Xhi told me if anything happened to us, we'd meet each other in out little secret hideout. I went there and was expecting to see him poke his head out from around the corner to scare me. But when he never did I hurried my pace. The winter air was stinging my face, the snow freezing my feet as I ran. And then I stopped, my knees met the cold snow and my eyes welled with tears at the sight before me.

    Xhi was string up in a tree near our hide out. A bag had been placed over his head and a noose tied around his neck. And what took it even farther than a simple lynching was the evidence that Xhi had been skewered by spears multiple times. His blood colored the snow a crimson red...and I could hear the crows cawing in the trees. On the tree was a note as well. I remember it saying "All who have red eyes will be killed on sight. No exceptions."

     I never felt so much anger in my life, I never wanted to ruin something as much as I wanted to at that very moment. But...I was only a child. I couldn't even cast a single light spell back then without really worrying someone would harm me. Eventually that anger turned to sadness and grief. I cried that day, ugly and terrible tears for a boy who had been the world to me. A little ray of light in such a grey and unforgiving world. Even if he was only Half Drow, he was still a friend to me. He at lest told me that he believed in Eilistraee more than Lolth. When I had managed to regain some of my composure, I took Xhi down from the tree and buried him that snowy day, beside our secret hide out. And when I had finished all that...I looked at everything and took a torch to it all. I didn't want someone to disrupt Xhi's resting place, nor did I want anyone to know where I had buried him. So I set our hide out ablaze and watched from a safe enough distance. I was still crying but Xhi's memory is still in my heart and mind. After that, I closed myself off from others. Kept my thoughts focused on staying busy...Yet every winter, I'd recall that day, and I would fight myself to not break down into an ugly mess of tears.

I fail each year...
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 08, 2021, 09:29:03 AM
     Seems I've found myself alone more often than before. Taking time for myself and sorting out all that I think is right or what may be excess. It's hard to really describe things...emotions. Father would say "That is Life my dear. An unpredictable force that is forever changing. The greatest mystery with no right answer". But...I'm not sure what to think at the moment. I look at myself and wonder things. I...find myself worrying most of all. Some chance that whatever lights I've been keeping in my dark little world will be taken way or snuffed out. Some little joys I've come comfortable with will be snatched up...Part of me wonders if...that's already happened. If I've been 'Replaced". I know I haven't made myself well known...but there are some people whom I don't want to forget me...or act as though I'm not there.

     It seems silly...to worry about such things when there are creatures and people out there that I should be worrying about. Yet I'm right here, thinking that I'm back to being in my own little grey world again. How silly...and so utterly childish of me to worry about this...about them...
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 12, 2021, 12:59:42 AM
  I was a fool....I should have known better than to get attached to anything...Serves me right I was suppose. And 'They' were right once more. I really am a waist of space. Something that amounts to nothing and there is never going to be anything to prove that otherwise. I screw up...I mess up and whatever I find joy in...It never lasts. Why can't these emotions just die off already? Why do I still feel these things? I hate it, I hate them. I hate all of them!

    I hate myself most of all. So weak and fragile...so pathetic it hurts to even see my own reflection. What they see in me...whatever good they see in me or whatever worth there is...I can't see it. All I can see is someone who isn't worth knowing, someone who isn't important or walks with a purpose. All I see is another orphan from the slums who can't do anything right. So why...why are they so persistent in keeping me around? Just get rid of me already! What am I to them anyways?! I'm nothing! I'm just a stand in for something better to come along. I'm not....I'm not....

It sees some drops of water have fallen onto the page as it abruptly ends.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 12, 2021, 06:21:02 PM
   Why do I exist? What is my purpose for living? What was it that I was meant to do?

    Three questions that I've yet to address, I was to tied up in my mind about something else that I've neglected these questions. So...what is it that I am alive for? I've always had a fascination with locks and the arcane. I even remember when I learned my first beguiler spells and used them I felt something akin to being whole. As I grew older and found myself sticking to the shadows a lot or attempting to keep out of sight...I felt...oddly free. Perhaps that is what my purpose is in this world. To be a shadow that slips in and out of places unseen. To get through locks and to know more than what I should...To learn and hoard secrets. I may not be a people person, but I'm more comfortable with doing things my own way. Learning things my own way.

     I'm still young, but this doesn't mean I'm not unwilling to learn some things. And when those things comes to secrets, hidden or forgotten knowledge...I want to keep it all for myself. Perhaps...I'm not so different from a regular mage after all in that area. More so since I can get past locks and traps. Perhaps one day I'll even be multi-lingual so I can translate things or decode them from some unknown or uncommon language. But...who knows. Hard to say what the future has in store, and it's hard to say who will be in the future.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 13, 2021, 10:33:18 AM
Now with my mind cleared up further and some sort of Order has been put back into place, I've started to think more and more on my purpose. I've time to figure it out, I forget that I am not fully human. I've elven blood in me but growing up in a human city it's easy to forget that I can out live humans. My foster father did teach me the language of the elves but rarely do I speak it. Though if I am honest, I don't really take my hood down out in the open or around people I don't fully trust. So many just assume I'm human.

   Though speaking of others, this concept of friends...it is...still something that I need time to process. I've only ever had one friend in my life and when he was taken from me or rather killed, I had a hard time trusting others. So...this is still all new to me. Even with others calling me friend or giving me some sort of praise. I still don't think I'm worthy of it, same goes for is someone compliments me or says I'm pretty or beautiful...I just...I'm not use to it. Mean sure I can act like it doesn't affect me, but this hood does a wonderful job at hiding my blush when I'm out in the open. Surprised no one has questioned how I can see when it's hiding half my face. But in any case, I need to get back to focusing on what I wish to do with my extended life.

   Shall I seek out hidden and forgotten knowledge? Or go follow the path of a rogue and seek out lost treasures. Personally, I think hidden and forgotten knowledge is more important than some lost treasure. Who knows maybe one of the two will lead to the other. Maybe there's other ways of getting out of the Mists aside from tampering with a Gate Spell.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 14, 2021, 07:15:21 PM
   'Think of everything that you hate Fleurina. Picture it in your mind. Do you got it? Can you see it clearly? Good, now swing that stick with all our might on to the Teddy Bear.'

     That's what Xio said to me one day when I was child. I had a bad habit of bottling up my anger, honestly I still do. And it seems pretty easy for the Harsh Twins side to feed off that pent up anger. When I think of everything that I hate, everything that just gets under my skin when I'm in the room (usually the center room on the right hand side) in the Harsh Twins side of the Keep, it feels like I can't control it. That I need to lash out at something in order to feel better. That I have to try and ruin something just to make myself feel good again. Back then as a kid I hated how my original parents abandoned me, how the gods cursed me to live such a terrible life...and later I cursed them again for taking Xio away from me. My one ray of light in the darkness back then. But...as I got older, I found myself hating more thing, more people and the gods even more. I'd curse their names and say they never cared. I'd hate the nobles for looking down on the poor because of some back stabbing that happened. And then I'd hate myself for getting worked up over something that wasn't my business. Eventually I learned that I can't do anything to change the hearts of corrupted people. I couldn't change the souls of those to lost in their greed and petty selfishness. Eventually I started to close myself off to others. I shut my heart away and locked it up as tight as I could. I didn't see the world as one full of people, I saw it as one full of backstabbing monsters and Liars.

    I learned to disguise myself through the use of my beguiler spells when I was older. I'd go as a beautiful woman to the noble district and flirt with the men. I'd put up a metaphorical mask and play the part I had in mind. Some men were easily enticed by it, others....took a bit more tact. Regardless, those men never noticed the leaked information til after it was to late. Anonymous tips and clues given to either the local rival gangs or the city guard. But only what they needed to know. The rest I kept to myself. But...it never really filled the whole in my chest. Seemed nothing did. My Father began to worry about me more and more with the passing days. Days became Months, Months turned to years...And I was so lost in a Greyed out world that even he was mere noise to me at the time. He barely knew me at that point. He looked at me one day and asked. "what is our plan now Fleurina? What is it that your going to do next? The little girl I adopted so long ago is now this black shadow in my doorway. Her once bright smile holds no warmth and her heart is as cold as the fifth circle of the Nine hells. Tell me Fleurina, where did you put my darling Lilium? What pit is she stuck in?"

   My answer to him. "Your Lilium is dead Asher. She died in your arms from the Wailing Death and you couldn't save her. You only survived because the cure was made in time to save you. I'm not your Dead fecking daughter."

   I never seen a heart shatter as much as I saw his. The intense sadness in his eyes, the pain of my words hitting him like a knife twisting in his heart...at that time I felt nothing for him. Not a single thing. And I made it clear that back then, I had murdered my own emotions. I had killed them off to the point I didn't know my own reflection. I would see it, but all I could make of it, was just another faceless person in a sea of back stabbing monsters and Liars. Another Mask to wear and fool people with. M mind was focused on seeking knowledge that others didn't dare to look for. To find something that was be valuable to pawn off. Myth of lost treasures, tales of forgotten kingdoms...something that would get me away from Baldur's Gate for good. My plan was to head to the Underdark and explore there, to find something unheard of. Even went so far to outsmart a drow into teaching me Undercommon, little did I realize how that would back fire and put me in the Mists. But even before then...a stranger came to me, knew I had been looking for hidden knowledge and secrets. I never did get a look at their face, they were hooded just like I usually am. But they offered me a book, told me of a place where I could find what I was looking for. All I needed was a few 'simple' ingredients.

   Naturally I collected them without a second thought, and made my way to an abandoned house. I made the magic circle when the alarm spell I had up went off. I turned just in time to catch the crimson red eyes of the drow I outsmarted. Though that wasn't enough when he reached me and physically lifted me up by the neck. Assassins as usual always have a plan for getting rid of people. This one wanted to catch me off guard. And he nearly did. Had I not gotten enough air and could still mutter the words, it is quite plausible that I would not be writing this now. That I would be in an unmarked grave in Toril. But I had remembered that the eyes of a Drow are sensitive to light, so I muttered off a Flair spell. The assassin dropped me, messing up the magic circle and when I activated it...I found myself running into Barovia, rather than the Shadowfell itself like the hooded individual wanted me to.

    Entering these lands...woke up my dead emotions. I began to wonder, recall and reflect on many things since I've been here. I've lost myself to crippling doubts in the past few weeks. Questioned my own reason for being and why I am even alive. I've had others tell me that I have worth when my mind screams at me that I don't. I've had others tell me that I am kind, even when my heart shouts that I am not. I've had others tell me that I am beautiful, when my eyes yell they're Lying. These Mist filled lands have made me start to question things more than I would have normally cared to. It's made me reflect on m past actions and my past doings. I know there is no god here who can hear the cries of those damned to this Misty Prison. I know there is nothing that can undo what I have already done or said even before the Mist claimed me. I knew long before the mists that I was a lost soul in the eyes of gods and goddesses. Abandoned by blood, by friends and by faith...I became one of the Lost.

    And that is fine. I sought forgotten knowledge. I sought a way to leave Baldur's Gate for good...to run away from the pain that lingered there even after Xio was gone. I ran from my own light and became the very shadow I always see myself as. This Keep of the Dyad, it's given me a chance to...reflect more. To realize that I am...a shadow and that my light is not in the form of another person. My missing light is else where. Somewhere searching for me but is unable to find me in all this mist and fog. It sees the shadows of others, but perhaps my own heart is over taken b darkness that I blend in with the other shadows around me.

   But perhaps I am simply mad now. That I've lost my mind from how long I'm been in these lands. So young, yet now so utterly mad. Perhaps I am looking into this more than I should.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 15, 2021, 02:24:17 PM
    Another night spent in the Harsh Twins side of the keep...my previous entry seems to reflect just how easy it is for the keeps sides to influence me. That or I really are losing my sanity. I can't really say now, perhaps all this idling I've done and all the times I see large armies of people head out on an adventure has made me to docile. Ugh, if it wasn't for my elven blood and these terrible food rations, I think I'd be more than plump now....In any case, I need to start heading out more if I want to find some sort of lost or hidden knowledge. Even if it means I need to head out alone into the Mists. It's far better than not doing anything like I have been. Just writing in my journal waiting for a reasonable group to form that needs a trapper or locksmith is becoming painfully boring.

    I miss the days where I was always dragged out to Vestibale...even if back then I'd just stand back and look pretty. Be a muse for the groups bard some others felt more inspired....I do miss those days. Not the mess ups and having to wake up to the temple ceiling though. Or the fact I wasn't good at sneaking like I am now...Part of me misses the little interactions I had with those I use to travel out with. Now things are back to just....lil ol' me sometimes. Gods, why do I find it so hard to people sometimes? Why can't I just throw myself out there and not have to worry bout my brain saying 'Fleur, shut up. No one cares about you'. You would think some nineteen year old who's good with locks (Not the best, no where near the best) would have the courage to just say "Hi" every once in a while....Gods I am terrible at conversations...The hell am I suppose to even talk about? Mask be damned what do I even start off with? Is it the usual "Hi, names Fleur and I can do magic and stuff along with opening locks and traps."

   That.....sounds very out of character for me...Mean I've built up a image of being quiet, mysterious and possibly unapproachable by some. I don't really talk much but again my mind tells me to hush up and let others talk. It's so exhausting to appear broody all the time...what I wouldn't give to have a friend or friends just ask me random questions about nothing in particular. To just chat and forget that the mists are cruel. I don't even care if it's something like girl talk, just anything. Heh...If someone even got a hold of this journal and read it, they'd definitely think I lost my mind a few entries back. Some good person would probably tell me I'm going to the nine hells for my previous entry, then then others just wouldn't care.

    But as usual, no matter where I go, it is the silence that accompanies me most of the time. Just wish I was use to it like I had been before the Mists. Suppose I should cut all ideas of future love interests out as well now that I think about it. Mean, I've got time to not worry about that. Why am I even rushing it? I'm not some human that'll live for a hundred years then die...or die sooner than a hundred years if stupidity is involved. But that does remind me that I'll be around to see my human friends pass away. Much like how the elves see their short life span friends pass away. The drow just don't give a damn I guess. They're...still ones I would not want to mess with and avoid if at all possible. Anyways!

    Back to my point...what ever my train of thought was going with all of this. The point is, I am bored of standing around with nothing to do and no one to talk to. This silence is more than likely going to be the death of me and the tree I lean on will eventually grow around me....I -really- need to venture out more...
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 16, 2021, 02:46:50 PM
   The past few days have been rather eventful. Seems The temple to Anubis has become my new playground. The traps are simple enough, it is the locks that still stop my talents. I'll have to seek out more of the good Lock picks, or ask if others can keep an eye out for me. I was told of the Black Market in Port, but I've no idea how to get to it yet. Regardless, it has been better than standing around and allowing my thoughts to run rampant. Though one memory has come back to me. The sound and feeling of playing the piano.

    Seems rather silly to think about now, but if I one day have my own home, I think I'd like to have a piano somewhere. If I got my own mage tower then I'd enjoy having a piano on the second floor. The first would be either a shop or Library with a kitchen off to the side as well as the bathroom. The second floor a living area where the Piano is. Third floor would be the bedroom and there would be a trap door that leads to the roof, where I could simply sit and watch either the world below or the skies above. To count the stars or find constellations in them. Heh, rather whimsical of me, one who tends to be so quiet. I've always liked looking up at the night sky at the stars. It felt as though that was the only time where I didn't wear a metaphorical mask. Where I could look out and imagine what else could be out there in the blackness of the night sky. How beautiful the stars where along with the crescent moon. And I didn't mind how small I felt.

    It's rather odd of me to be thinking of such things now. To have some sort of future hope. I know that nothing is set in stone and that life doesn't always go as planned. But it's a dream I wouldn't mind if it was made real. Though if it happened here in the Mists, I've need to find some way to get my tower back to the prime material plane...Can't really call myself a mage in Toril if I have no fancy tower after all. Hahah, it is an amusing thought though. One I do not mind entertaining more than negative thoughts. Ideas of how things would look, where things would be placed and the sound of the Piano playing.

   Asher once taught me how to play, simple tunes and scales to practice with. Eventually I experimented with the keys and started to create m own melodies. Xhi's memory would come to mind as I played. I'd imagine him standing at the corner of the piano watching me play. A smile on his face while I ran my fingers over the keys. I could almost hear his voice 'You are oddly talented Fleur, A quick learner and everything. Say, think you can play a brighter tune next?'. I'd try of course but the melancholy of losing Xhi always changed the tune back to a somber one. Then I just stopped playing one day. I don't know why, it may have been after I shut myself away from everyone that I didn't go near the piano again. M Foster Father began to worry more about me, we then had our fight and I then came to the mist after everything. If there was a piano somewhere where no one else was around, I think I'd try to play it again. I wasn't one for big crowds, I'm still not, so if one or two people hear then that's fine with me I suppose.

   I'd rather not have a gathering around me.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 18, 2021, 08:48:36 PM
   Looks back at the start of this journal and look at recent entries, it seems like I've opened up more. Like things are less grey and colorless now. Curious really. I've started to divulge some truths, even to myself. Perhaps it is because I've started to divert away from the person I once was. That I've taken a chance to try and atone for somethings I probably shouldn't have done. Maybe to atone to Xhi's memory and how he tried to lead me on to a good path. Thinking about it now and looking at my previous entry...I'm reminded that I've been to the beach before. Sure I saw from my high advantage roof tops, but I've never buried my toes in the sand or let the wing flow through my hair. Then again, I don't really take my hood down when I'm outside.

    Perhaps one day I'll do that. For now I am to fond of my higher elevated loitering spots. A shame the walls of some cities and tows are to smooth. Other wise I'd enjoy climbing up to the highest points and looked down at others. To get away from the noise of the ground and be in the air. Heh, if I were a great mage and not a beguiler, I think I'd like to find a way to have a Mage tower in the sky. One that moves with the clouds to stay hidden. Be my own little castle really. A fancy idea, one that might not work really. Though I wonder if it could be made in the Mists? I know they like to shift quite often and they can be rather dangerous. But it would be a safe resting place for adventurers to recover before exploring the Mists more. I'd have to get a priest out there though so others wouldn't have to travel back to the Vistani for aid if they've no cleric in their group.

    Interesting idea, possibly not the most practical and my home would also move with the Mists too. I'd need to devise a way to find my home if this idea ever did come to pass. Perhaps devising some magic runes? Or perhaps creating a spell? Hmm teleportation does not seem like it would work here. And if it did, there are possibly terrible outcomes where people become one with walls or trees. Magic Runes would be my best option, Perhaps I could devise them to be a sort of compass that always points in the direction of my tower? But I'd need to think of a way to link the two to myself as well. Perhaps a bit of blood magic? Or imbuing a part of m soul into the two? Hmm, I may need to look into this a bit more at a later point. It'd be interesting to see if it would really work. I could make the magic rune first, maybe make two so that when I am in danger or over my head while out alone, the person I trust the most would be able to tell and come to my aid.

    Something to ponder for awhile I suppose.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 19, 2021, 11:05:58 AM

   Asher Krovanoff.

     It's been awhile since I've recalled his appearance. His eyes were always kind, just like his smile was. I remember there use to be days where he'd tap me on the head with a book if I fell asleep during one of his lessons. He'd scold me too for it and say I was up all night causing trouble again. Now that I look back on it and how he treated me, he really did care and worry about me. So the day I told him he wasn't me real dad or that I wasn't his daughter...I'm just reminded of how hurt he must have been. Makes me wish I could take it all back and tell him I'm sorry. That I didn't mean any of it. But I can't. I left him alone in the shop...I can only imagine how things must have changed for him. He was to sweet of a man to warrant such treatment from me. It was him who told me that my last name was Du'Parcina, said that I had trade mark black hair of theirs. But he seemed to understand why I was abandoned. It was a noble house of just humans. A half elven child was....well frowned upon by them. So by some technical right, I'm the daughter of a noble house. But I don't care for that. I never did really, that sort of life was never for me. And it makes sense of why Asher tried to have me dress like a lady instead of how I normally dress. He wanted me to have a life that was better than one in the slums.

     But I didn't want that. I hated that idea. How prudent nobles can be, how their games involve to much back stabbing. And even if I were to live a life of luxury....It wouldn't be me. I'm to use to the struggle. To use to the dark underbelly of things. I'm use to the twilight of things than the dawn. But...I need to rest. My trip through the Mists last night took a toll on me...and I cannot seem to focus as well as I could earlier on things. My mind still feels like I am here....but not at the same time...Like there are two me's....Maybe with some rest I'll feel better. That tower I came across in the Mists....I knew stepping through that door was not a wise idea. Not while I was alone...Well....Curiosity did not get to kill this cat at lest.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 19, 2021, 10:23:29 PM
   My mind is still a haze, hearing others makes my head numb. Like there's a ringing in my ears that's low enough to over look but still be there. Maybe I took a hit somewhere in the Mists last night? Did one of those little devourers get me? I can't remember clearly. But I was out there for a long time last night. Out on my own...on my own...much like I am now. Funny how that works, guess I'm good at being a sneak to get away from crowds without anyone noticing. Heh, lest I haven't lost that bit of knowhow yet. But it was stupid of me to go out there alone. I should remember the first rule of adventuring, never go alone.

    That's how I'll end up dead and my body never found in the Mists. I'd hate for my soul to end up getting twisted...by the Mists. I'd stop being me...I'd stop being Fleur...I don't want to think of the person I might end up as if that happened. But this idleness isn't keeping my mind off those thoughts. I need to think of an anchor. Something that will keep me from getting lost in my own thoughts and keep me in the Here and Now of things. I need to think of something to ground me. Something that can shock me out of my thoughts and bring me back.

    But what that is, I can't fathom a thought that's good enough to be the anchor for my mind. Perhaps I'm looking into this to much....thinking to much makes my head hurt though. I feel the fuzziness come back and  the ringing sound in my ear gets a little louder when I try. Perhaps I have suffered a head injury when I was out in the Mist last night...Though I don't suspect sleeping in the temple with demons and devils in Perfidus was a bright idea either. I got so lost that I found the way. I slept in the temple and woke up in the Mist Camp. Strange how that happened...something to question that is for sure I suppose. But I'll save that for another day. A day where my mind isn't throbbing.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 20, 2021, 08:50:24 AM
   Well I can say with certainty that whatever was affecting me yesterday and the night before no longer has a hold of me. From what I've been told I died twice in that Shipwreck and was brought back both times. It would explain why my entire body feels so sore...like my bones haven't quite healed from those tentacles roughly wrapping around me. I...I think I became full of quills at one point too but I can't remember...All I do remember is many tentacles and a lot of pain. Well....lest I am not dead for good, not sure if I'd be missed really. Maybe by one or two but...I think I'd only ever really die if everyone who knew me forgot about me. A rather sad fate that would be.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 22, 2021, 01:09:51 PM
   It's been awhile since I wrote in this. Bit has happened and I've done some reflecting of my own again. Pondered some thoughts and entertained a few others. Some of which may never come to pass. Like having my own Mage Tower. Regardless of that though, I've noticed how clearer my mind has become. How easier it is for me to answer others and sort of set myself out there with things. I'm getting better at selling for some people. I'm slowly getting better with locks and traps as well. My magic still needs some work before I can fully delve into what could make me a threat to people with weak wills. But...I am not so cruel as to go that far unless pushed.

    The mind can be a fragile thing, shatter it and a person will never be the same again. They'll either be lost to the insanity you show them or become more violent and unpredictable. If I had no other choice or if I messed up...I think it would be a mercy to put a bullet in that persons head. Rather than have them live with the unyielding pain of a Trauma or experience...I think I'd put them in a sort of Coma and let them dream of better times before ending their pain for good. If I were better I'd try to reconstruct the bad memory and ease its affects. Maybe that's why I know these spells? Not just to be sneaky, but to perhaps heal those afflicted by some sort of Trauma? To help ease them through the memories...or to shatter their minds beyond repair. A savior...or an Angel of madness...Both seem to be a lot of work. Perhaps later I'll decide which I want to be more.

   For now, I do not mind helping one or two people through some thoughts. Perhaps if I get my Mage tower I can have a little office where I listen to what is troubling people and give them some advice on how to overcome it. Would be an interesting career path for me.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 24, 2021, 09:39:53 AM


    Even if it's been so long...even if I can't fully remember somethings about him. I would still recognize his silhouette. Even now I can hear his voice softly speaking to me...as if telling me I need to get out of the Mists before it takes his memory from me and twists it to torment me. My best friend...a half drow stolen from me by those who hated and feared the pure blooded drow... I doubt I could ever forgive those that took his life. But...the past cannot be changed, His soul was already gone and couldn't return. How I miss him. More so with winter coming.

    I still hate the sight of snow...even if it's dyed red. But the pain isn't lessened by just hating something. If things had been different...perhaps he and I would have left Baldur's Gate to go somewhere else. I know his eyes would have given him away, amber almost red...I can't properly remember. And I've nothing but my memory of him to help with his looks. All I know for certain is that I miss his warm smiled and brother like habits. I did love him...but it was like an Older Brother. And I could see he saw me like a little sister when we spent time together.

   If he were still alive now...I'd say he'd be in his twenties...possibly twenty seven or eight. It's hard to tell with age when someone has elven blood in them. I should know. A bit ironic that a regular Half Elf and a Half Drow become best friends. As if to defy both the standard of our elven blood. But...perhaps I shouldn't say that. It's not like we tried to be better than the other in the Slums. We worked together to get by when we could. It's thanks to him that I'm even alive today, even if he'd greatly disapprove of the fact I'm well....stuck in the Mists. I'm pretty sure this situation I'm in is making him roll in his grave and shouting at me in the After Life. Pretty sure he's been scolding me every chance he can, even if I can't hear him. Just...a feeling that's what he'd be doing.
Title: As of late...
Post by: Raven Credale on October 26, 2021, 04:12:46 PM
   Things have taken an interesting turn for me. I find myself with something good, something I do not want to lose. But I know that the idea of Forever is an illusion. Much like it is with my things. Regardless, this thing that I cherish, I'm going to hold onto it for as long as I am able. It's funny, for some dreary girl like me to find a precious things such as this. You would think it a ploy for some Dark Comedy later. As if fate deemed it necessary as a build up before attempting to shatter me. Perhaps a test of sorts?

   In any case, that is not all that seems have found me. Lately my patience has been tried time and again and it is safe to say that I have found something rather common about myself and the elves back home. The unyielding migraines only Orcs can give us. One in particular has given me more headaches than I thought possible. And enough times where I wanted to put a bullet in his pea rained skull just to shut him up. But I am reminded that Murder is not an effective way to end a person here in the Mists. ...I would happily ignore the Brute, if he did not shout and hollar at everything on a whim...writing this even make my temper flair a bit. Suppose Whomever my elven father is, I inherited his distaste for the Orc. I've no issues with this honestly.

    Lest some of the Orcs aren't as annoying as the one that called me 'Witch' the other day.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 28, 2021, 06:23:01 PM
   Suppose there is something Decent with Port, they've a Cafe where I can get some coffee and read in peace. Normally I try to stay away from Port but...well...when there is no one around the Mist Camp to take my mind off things and I've gone through all the locks in my pack, it becomes a needed vacation from the silence and headache. Though...I know some would say that I am just hiding from socializing. Perhaps they are right...I'm not very good at striking up conversations, nor am I good at putting myself out there. To use to being an Unknown or a headache when I decide to be a difficult conversationalist. I don't know really. I need something to get me out of this rut I'm in though. I lingered around the Camps to maybe relax and let my mind process things...but when people need a lock smith or detrapper and when there's someone who knows I can do both...It sort of ruins my plans to just relax. Then again I suppose I damn myself for agreeing to such things. For getting to eager to be else where than in the Mist Camps for another day of utter silence or headaches. Perhaps it is best that I just try and sleep this off....to simply cast a deep sleep spell on myself til someone prods me awake...I'm just thankful that my mind has not become something of an enemy to me.

    If my own mind were to shatter and break...I pray that someone takes my gun from me...Because I don't know what might happen if I keep it at my side...It's strange though I've something that can end my life with just a pull of the trigger, yet this thought is common in my mind. I look at it and there's a sort of odd serene sense about it. I know my corpse will be less than pleasant to see. The amount of pain that the act would cause some is immeasurable, yet I'm not bothered by these things. Perhaps in some way, I am twisted or unfazed by the notion of Death. It seems a bit silly as I think about while sipping on my coffee, considering all that has happened to me thus far with my time in the Mists. Perhaps...after Xhi this thought hasn't been far from my mind.

   Beyond the anger, the sadness and the sense of losing myself...Maybe being here in the Mists has revived some humanity in me. From one who use to see others as mere tools to what I see now...it's a bit hypocritical of me. I hate the idea of manipulation yet my magic is meant for that exact thing. Before I probably didn't care of the other once I was done with them and got what I wanted. Now it feels like I've lied to so many and for all the wrong reasons. Perhaps I've been spending to much time with those that have a conscious. I know I sought hidden information and that I still seek such things. Secrets are valuable as much as physical treasure...If I were a full blooded elf...perhaps I'd try to become a Lorenorn....or a Baelnorn that keeps knowledge and secrets to pass on to others if they seek me out. I know it would be a honor to take such a position, but to be like such here in the Mists....I've no idea if such a thing can even be done. And with me only being Half elven....I suppose I wouldn't learn all the secrets before my time is up. Not unless I want to damn myself to Litchdom...A pitty I can't become a Baelnorn...lest I don't think I'd be able to become one due to this human half. If I've a family later on...I'd like to keep watch over them and keep them safe...Wardnorn and a Lornorn....I wouldn't be unheard of...but still a rare thing for elves to do.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on October 31, 2021, 02:32:31 AM
These past few days in the Mist Camp have been...rather pleasant. Part of me is waiting for the other foot to fall and the other part is...vastly entertained by something of my own creation. The Oddens Family.

    Now I know I wasn't fully honest with someone about the book...never told them that I was writing it as something to do in order to get past this mental block I still have. So...I created the Oddens Family in order to help at lest keep me preoccupied when the Camps are quiet or empty. Surprisingly I've find myself chuckling at my own humor with things. And I've a few characters that I adore the most. The first being the Married couple Griztel and Patricia Oddens.A Barovia man who is head over heels for his Mordentish wife, and when she speaks Mordentish he comes running to shower her with kisses. A couple that oddly stays in love no matter the crisis. Then there's Fraya Oddens, little miss disaster or the little black rain cloud. A girl who is smarter than the average bear and can instantly crush a man's dreams in satisfying verbal burns. There's also the family Butler Duramst...I think I may go back and change that later though. Maybe to something a tad more refined or Something from Hazlan....I dunno, it's all a work in progress. But it is enjoyable so far with how over the top I'm making things. Humor, dark themes, and yes mushy romance. At some point I'll have to end this book...maybe make it a series? I've no idea, this is just becoming a favorite pass time for me.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on November 12, 2021, 05:36:11 AM
    I've taken some time to sort out a few things in my head. Yesterday I heard something that I hated, and I knew it was a selfish thing for me to be against. But...I know better than to allow my selfish reasoning get the best of me, so I removed myself from the situation. I know it is not my place to speak on such matters, I do not know the reasoning nor the party involved. It is not fair of me to be against something that I did not show interest in. I understand where some are coming from, and I know that they are simply looking out for another, but...the tightness in my chest yesterday...It felt like throned vines were wrapping around my heart. Perhaps it was good of me to remove myself from the situation. I really didn't want to say something that I would later regret.

    And I know I made someone dear to me worry with how I was acting yesterday...a moment of closing myself off may not have been my brightest of ideas. But...I was not in a good position or mental state to hold a decent conversation. If anything, I know I'd have been too childish about it. To brash to accept reasoning and just looking for something to blame and fight over. I just hope that the stay safe and come back to me alright. That's all I can really hope for.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on November 14, 2021, 04:11:36 PM
I am...not use to having something good stay for very long in my life. I half expect the worst case scenarios to happen that take the good thing away from me. It may be pessimistic to say and to record, but I noticed the trend. It started with my birth mother tossing me aside. Choosing to appease the noble family blood line than keep a bastard child. Then my best friend Xhi, taken from me because of a mob who feared what sort of being he was. And then Asher...a father figure who i treated so poorly. I expect good things to only be a fleeting thing in my life. I expect fate to always rip those happy moments away from me and crush them in it's claws. Just to remind me that I do not deserve to step into the light. That my world has no room for a ray of light or hope...or love.

    I still hope though, that their words can prove this cruel hand of Fate wrong. That I can stay beside them, even if it means having to stand in the middle of a Fire Storm.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on November 19, 2021, 04:34:22 AM
     How long has it been since I've felt like this? This eerie calmness...part of me is expecting the other foot to drop at any given point. Like the other day, my gut, my senses all kicked into high alert when I saw the blade drawn. Part of my thoughts were "The intention is aimed at me." And a memory in which "I want to kill someone wearing blue". Grant it, my clothing is an off blue-ish grey color, but I simply can't ignore those notions. As care free as I may seem, I am not stupid.

   I do wonder though, what would he do if he learned that someone he considered a 'friend' was the same person who killed me? I've no plans on being killed or dying for good just yet, I am simply curious on what may happen.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on November 21, 2021, 06:00:48 PM

   The past few nights I've been seeing Xhi in my dreams. I see him in the Mists, looking at me over his shoulder. His eyes say he wants me to follow him, but his body language screams that I need to stay away. I know that he can't be here, he died when I was a kid. Yet...he seems alive here...He doesn't look like he did when I buried him...He looks older some how. But how is that possible? Perhaps the Mists are playing tricks on my mind? Or is there a chance...a chance that my best friend might be alive? If that is the case...has Xhi been looking for me? Is there a chance I can have my brother back in my life after all this time? Am I putting faith into something that's going to harm me later?

    I don't know what these dreams might mean, if anything at all. Perhaps it is just my heart that is missing him still. My heart that holds on to a pipe dream of hope that may never come to pass. If I did see him in person again now...I don't know what I would do. Would I question my sanity? Would I question the reality I've walked into? Would I question the realness of him? Of his memory? Xhi...Would he be a friend or foe in these twisted lands of Mists? Would he be my guide to damnation or another to keep me from falling off the edge?

    I do feel that if he were around still, Xhi would have been a Bard or Dergist. Maybe both? I know he would be something that involved a tune...He always did like to hum...He'd usually hum a tune to help me sleep. Never learned if it had words but...I remember how it went still. If he were really here with me, I'm certain we'd be known as the sassiest duo in all of the Core.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on November 24, 2021, 12:14:45 PM
She woke up with a scream that night. Tears streaming down her face as her chest heaved and struggled for air. Panicked, her emerald eyes searched the dark ess of her room before she casted a silent Light spell. She was alone, nothing in the shadows reached its long limbs out to her but still her mind felt rattled. Taking a moment to hold her head then bury her face in her hands, Fleur took out her journal and started to write.

Another nightmare, though this time it was different.

     I dreamt I was back in Baldurs Gate, back in Asher's shop. It was morning and the light of the sun was just entering my room. At first I didn't want to believe that I was back home, I didn't want to believe it to be real. But as I got out of bed and walked down the steps, I saw Asher in is chair reading a pure Black Tome. He looked up and smiled to me before patting the arm of the chair beside him. For a moment...a moment I believed i was home...that I was free of the Mists. And just as I was about to take a step, about to tell Asher how sorry I was for everything that I had said to him before I stormed out that night ...some one grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

     I looked over my shoulder and there was Xhi. Looking at me with such distress in his eyes that it confused me. I looked back towards Asher and saw...blue flames...the shop was engulfed in them and Asher laid a half charred corpse in his chair. A twisted smile was on his face and written on the floor at his feet in what may have been blood was 'I am coming, my darling Lilium'. The sight turned my stomach, and terrified me. And so...I screamed...right back into the hellish Reality that is now my life. Asher...Xhi... they're both gone...I know it now...I've lost the only remaining family I had left to go back to...
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on November 29, 2021, 05:58:13 AM
   It doesn't get any less painful...having to be torn out of the clutches of death like I have been some time now. Be through Mist Orbs, the Linens of Osiris or spells...the pain of what killed me is still there. I've come to notice that I am gaining more scars for each death I've encountered too...thankfully I can just mask them with a Dsfuise spell and keep looking pretty. Seems rather normal that I wear as much as I do if that's to be considered. My sneak gear doesn't really hide much though. Easier to move in sure, but...well it leaves the scars open and makes ro for more to be added. If I think on it and look on the mirror I can sort of assume where all the scars came from while I as here in the Mists. The first on I got was down in the Burnt House back in Vallaki. Someone...well I know what...An orc brute, cleaved me. Leaving the scar on my back. Still can't believe he had a friend to act as a guard. How pathetic.

   The second scar I got...I want to say that came from the Skeleton tower. A knight slashed me across the chest. Leaving a scar fromy collar bone to me right hip. The third scar I got...was from Perfidus. In that damn summoning Chamber. A claw mark running from shoulder to hip...Pit fiends...how I hate them. The fourth was in Port. After the Aboleth...I have acid burns on my legs mostly now...Acid hurts....but....Divine...divine is like some god saying I need to pray more and be faithful to someone...

   Those burns...oddly look white. Like white tattoos on me...it's....odd. Ghastria is....very odd and I can see why now. But well I've not got some Divine burns on my left shoulder and shoulder blade...

    I really should get better at staying out of sight. Even though many things can see the unseeable. OH! Wait, sixth scar is from Raziel...but I don't thing waking up with a bit more tan skin counts as a scar or burn. Just...a dangerous way to get a tan for those summer beach days. Dang it, I gotta work ony beach bod before summer comes by again. Gotta think less on the negative and get to positive thinking. Like teaching future mini me how to open locks while getting great deals from the merchants that's right beside me.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on December 01, 2021, 06:32:51 PM
   With Mist Camp becoming so dead lately, I've decided to move myself back to somewhere that's more to keeping me less bored. By this I mean Midway Haven. I know that it means I've back on the side towards Vallaki, but the Observatory and the tower there are far more pleasant to look at than these crawling Mists. Those who know about my plan to loiter around the place will know it won't be hard to find me in the area. Those who don't...well it's a chance encounter there now. I do miss gazing up at the stars at night. Or tracing lines from one constellation to the next. Even if it is not the real night sky or real stars, it is something that I still find enjoyment in. And it keeps me from having to get sucked into anything involving mini armies.

    Keeps me away from those of faith too. But, I know that this idea of mine will be a rather lonely one. I honestly don't expect anyone to come looking for me in that place. Might be the perfect for me really.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on December 02, 2021, 08:13:33 AM
   The silence of Midway...makes it so much easier for my mind to recall memories I'd rather forget. Harshness said, actions that weren't right...makes me wonder just what sort of person I am under all that I show others. Perhaps I am not a good person like others think me to be? Or maybe under everything I am but a shade trapped in a meat suit? I can't really say. I know I've a soul. I feel things such as joy and hate. I weep for those that refuse too and I scream when there is a need for it. Why did I move myself back to Barovia? Knowing that where I am at is not a place many choose to linger in. Perhaps this was a mistake on my part...but...where else should I loiter now that Mist Camps has taken all my leaning trees? Or nearly all of them. Where am I to lean if I have no tree to lean on and appear broody?

    Tis an injustice! An injustice i say. Someone call the Tyrrannts, have the lawyers of legality sort this hypocrisy out....I need a very long...very hot bath...someone of Noble quality I think...wonder if the pool guy will yell at me for heating the pool? But...there is something else I've noticed about my talents and skills...I've become quite dangerous to normal people. Some of the spells I know now, I could possibly use them to cause great despair in the weak willed.

    Perhaps there is one I can ultimately break later on with a few of these spells. Maybe overload the mind til there's no hope of repairing it. Ah...but what would he think? So terrible and cruel I can be. For now, I shall refrain from such actions and just keep these thoughts to myself. At lest...until I'm given a reason to act on them.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on December 03, 2021, 05:55:21 AM
  It's strange to play the piano again. I'm...sort of glad that there is one here in Mist Camp now. Givese a chance to remember Xhi better as well as Asher. Sort of helps quell the lonely feelings I've been having lately. Luna keeps me busy when she carries boxes full of stuff to sell. Best Money maker she is, and she walks away with more coin than I do. But I can be thanked for that I guess. Managing to put what I learned from Asher to use if not throw in a few mixtures myself for Djordi. I do know of one other merchant I've more pull with though. But I'd rather avoid making unnecessary trips to them. Still need to get more magic Bullets. Wonder if Tatum will be around soon so we can hunt for them again. I'd like to have at lest three full stacks of them in my pack. They're rather helpful, more so than these normal lead lined ones.

   Not sure why, but playing the piano calms me down more than I thought it would. Even hearing something appalling didn't last long when I started to play. Still hate the idea and I still find it disgusting. Far to...creepy and unsettling. Should really see if Osi can burn this 'problem' away for me. Or melt it. It clearly doesn't take a hint or accept "No" as an answer. Then again...I do not believe anyone will miss this 'problem' if I just put a bullet through its skull. I dunno, something that will get my point across. Ugh, I need to play the piano again and calm myself. Getting worked up right now is not going to help me.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on December 09, 2021, 05:19:06 AM
   So much time has passed since I've been here in the Mists. What feels like years is really just a few months. And to think...in those months I've changed quite a lot. I feel...alive. Like I am not just a machine for breaking in and out of places. Or a mere shadow being casted on a wall from a bright light. I'm a bit more...defined perhaps? A more complex being now than just the typical mundane person I appear to be. It is...still difficult at times to fully comprehend the sort of mind set I have now. Before I would not care for the opinions of anyone and do as I pleased. Following impulse over rational thinking. Now, now it feels like I'm in a bit more control of what I do and think. There are still days where I want impulse to take over, but rationality prevents that from actually happening. This isn't to say I don't give in to those impulsive ideas. Some are just...to enticing to ignore. While others just seem like more trouble than they're worth.

   I also seem to be gaining a bit more attention than normal. Though sometimes it can be due to a Prank from Tatam. Always the Grease...regardless it's...nice. Part of my brain says "It's just because of the person beside you is why others notice you. They're just being nice... probably could care less." Then there's the voice in my head that sort of sounds like Xhi and what he'd say on those matters. "Well look at you, miss popular. See told ya people would enjoy your company like I did. Just give them a chance. Well...some of them. That one just screams creep or danger. I'd avoid that one."

Yesh, pretty sure I'd sound insane if others read this. Hi, I've got voices in my head that talk to me. Ones of my dead best friend and the other...well the other is a broody teenager that likes to brood more than the actual person. Mean really, have you seen her nails? Kelemvor black. So broody and gloomy...a real Debby Downer I tell ya. Ya know, looking back at the old entries in this journal, I swear you can see the progression from 'Feck everyone' to now...whatever now is...Lippy? Sass? Smart-alik remarks that really make people question if the hooded girl by the tree is secretly insane...mean...wouldn't be wrong I guess. At lest I don't talk to myself or act like there's someone non-physical next to me talking to me. Nah, I just write a bunch of stuff into a journal and keep it tucked away. Most of this is just ramblings and recalling things.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on December 17, 2021, 06:20:15 PM

   Lately my dreams have become something that's...abstract is the best way I can put it. I see...images and fragments of something in them. Sometimes a Raven looks at me or I find myself following it. I see an old abandoned tower with the birds flying around the spires. At times I see Xhi in front of me before he blows away in black feathers towards me. I cover my eyes only to find myself in some chamber filled with a green-ish blue hue. I can't make sense of these dreams, I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind or if something is toying with me. Perhaps my mind is trying to show me some sweet lies with these illusions. But...is it odd that I find it comforting to see the Raven in my dreams? I know in Barovia that the bird is common to see, but is used in was by those there to view the realm in secret. Part of me wonders though, why am I seeing these things? These fragmented images?

    I wonder...if this is Xhi's spirit trying to reach out to me. Or...perhaps it's the forces of this Misty realm. It's...getting hard to decern truth from the illusions here at times. I want to know things, secrets and memories of the past. But...what price is there to be paid for knowing this? What will I have to lose? Part of me feels like this spire is just a creation of my imagination, and that the Raven is just there because Ravens are my favorite animal. They remind me of the foggy Autum mornings where I sat on the Roofs in Baldur's Gate. A raven would fly overhead for a while then land nearby, at times I would have bread for it. And even when I didn't the raven would still come to me. If I were a mage who could have a familiar, I'd have liked to have a Raven as one. I wonder if there's not some meaning to these images, something about me that I've yet to discover. But who knows, maybe in time these dreams will just fade and not return.

   Though...the image above the sketch...I feel like I've seen it somewhere before. The face mostly...Or perhaps the mask? Whatever the case may be. I'm certain I've seen it somewhere before but I can't remember where.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on December 18, 2021, 08:59:09 PM
   To think of the future...a day that's to be a joyous one...but first...there's the day of my birth that needs to be faced. Soon...the twenty fourth of this month... Christians call it Christmas eve. I fail to understand their faith and Holidays really...it all sounds...odd and headache inducing. Regardless, I won't be nineteen after that day. I'll be twenty years old. I wonder...would Asher have gotten me another dress? Would he have played the violin for me? Or...would we have spent time at Xhi's grave. Seems that i can't do those things here in the Mists. I could get a dress...design it to how Asher would have known I wouldn't toss it away. But the other two...suppose I can just reminisce about those days. It feels odd...the seasons change so much here than the concept of time seems to just lose itself. Perhaps...it is a ploy to drive people mad? I'm not sure.

   But...that is just one day out of 365. One day will not sway the ideas I have for future events. And to know that the thoughts are reciprocated...it makes me wish for them a little more. But I can wait. I want to savor these days while I still can. To savor this time. Who knows...maybe when I am old and grey I'll depart for Sithicus one last time and linger in Har-Thelen. To merely recall my good memories then pass on into obscurity. Hopefully leaving behind a legacy of sorts.

Though...I do need to know the way to Sithicus and Har-Thelen first in order to make that last bit of my life possible. I'm not in my hundreds yet after all and there's still enough time for me.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on December 23, 2021, 04:54:31 AM
Something feels strange, as if part of me is just...melding together so to speak. Perhaps I've lingered in the Mists a bit to much and they've begun to affect my abilities and skills. I don't feel to different though. I can still sneak, still talk Djordi into good deals, and still be a lock or trap slave to groups that need it. Aside from that...I just don't think I can ever get a sneak attack, not that I was really much of a fighter anyways. I don't know...maybe it's just my imagination from how often I stay in Mist Camp. I really should get out more though with groups and venture around. Might takey mind off this feeling.

Though if I had it -my- way, I'd like to stay in a nice comfy bed...amongst other things. Perhaps I'll just sleep my birthday away, forget it was even a day and just be a year older with no one knowing.
Title: Re: Illusions and Lies: Journal of Fleurina
Post by: Raven Credale on December 24, 2021, 06:29:20 AM

It's always winter that I hate the most out of the seasons. But...I remember one winter, where it wasn't so bad. It was back during the first months I was living with Asher, he had set up a pin tree in the living room and decorated it with various ornaments. I questioned him on what he was doing and her just smiled to me while wearing some red hat.

"This is a tradition I've come to quite grow fond of. Why not come and help me my little Lilium? There's some lower parts that I can't get to thanks to this old age taking a toll on my back."

I gave a shrug and helped him with his thing. Not really paying attention to where things went...at first. But when I stepped back and looked...I didn't like his placements then made it more spread out. Then he brought out one last ornament. He said it was for the top of the tree and asked if I wanted to put it on. I told him I was to short to reach the top, so he lifted me onto his shoulders.

"There, now you're taller than me. Go ahead and place the angle on top Fleurina." He chuckled.

I had to lean forward a bit to reach bit I managed to get it on without to much trouble. He took a step back with me on his shoulders still.

"Today is your birthday right? I've a gift for you up in the attic, bit you'll have to take the scenic route to get there." He smiled then set me down.

I knew Asher didn't like it when I took the "scenic" route of anything as it was dangerous. So back then hearing him let me take it, I was over joyed and ran out the front door. I scaled the wall of the shop up to the arrive window, the cold and ice made it a bit tougher than  normal but I got there... eventually. Once inside I looked around, normally it was full of boxes or junk but not anymore. It was furnished into a room, my room, and Asher was already there with a box in his hands for me. He gave me a warm smile then held the box out. "Happy birthday, my little Lilium. I hope you like it."

I took the box and opened it then pulled a dress out. It was a beautiful. Asher had noticed that I liked dark colors more as well as purple. It may have been the only dress I wore around the shop til I out grew it.

Part of me wonders if I should recreate that dress nowadays.