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The following text it’s written in balok, with careful and elaborated calligraphy.
I have been thinking about writing this for some time now. I think what made me take the decision was a conversation I recently had with Warden Laydon. We spoke about Bastion Raines' prophecy. I don’t know if the world is coming to an end within two months or not. Maybe something bad will happen, or nothing at all. But given the chance I might be dead within that timeline, I wanted to do this, if not to preserve my feelings, maybe for having a better understanding of myself before the Grand Scheme unfolds, and puts an end to my existence.
I’m not sure if this is gonna be just for myself, or if someone would read it in the future. Either way, It would feel strange if I didn't start by stating who I am.
(https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/768740787642433546/769178134213427230/1_myself.png)
My name is Danika, I'm eighteen years old, and at the moment I’m writing this, I am an acolyte of Ezra’s church, of Her second Revelation.
I am Barovian, and I was born at the Village of Barovia, or that is what the people that found me believed at least. You might have noticed at this point that I lack a last name, and the reason behind this is that I’m an orphan, abandoned at the Morninglord’s temple doors, not much time after my birth. I have been told that I was barely alive when they found me, I almost froze to death out there. Barovia can be a really cold place.
The priests took me to the orphanage, and I was raised there.
Not me or the people who found me know anything about my parents. So they just gave me a name.
When I was a kid I used to wonder about who my parents were. I made up lots of these stories. In one of them they were a couple of an outlander and a barovian girl, they had to abandon their daughter because they were in danger, and were afraid they could not protect their girl from the dangers of the night. In another, they were a noble and a peasant, and they had to maintain their relationship as a secret.
Those were kids' fantasies. And I am a little bit embarrassed remembering them. The thing is, I never knew how having a family was. How it felt.
When I left the village, and came to Vallaki I had nothing. No family, no friends. I made a lot of outlander friends, and lived the outlander life. Sleeping in the ground, eating what I could find, risking my life in dark places for little reward.
I was just like them. A local, lost in her own homeland. At that time I had nothing to lose, but my own life, and I gave it not so much value.
But one day I found Her light. I remember the day I first walked inside the Refuge of the Fifth Light as it was yesterday. When I heard about Her teachings and the values of the faith, I realized that it was what I have been looking for, and what I have been trying to achieve all this time.
The faith gave me a purpose, a meaning to my life. But it was not the only thing that it gave me. I found something I was not expecting to find. Something I was not aware I could even have.
A family.
For the first time in my life I started to realize how It felt to have a brother, a sister…(maybe even a father and a mother). How it felt to be loved. And how it felt to have a home to return at night. I'm starting to have a glimpse of that thing called "happiness".
But every rose has thorns. And with these gifts also came a fear. A fear that’s taking root inside my soul. The fear of loss. And I feel this fear growing with each passing day.
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There are some remains of a torn off page between the previous page and this one. The torn off page is wrinkled in the floor, it has lots of ink stains, as well as some other stains of a clear liquid and it seems to have a lot of cross outs.
Despite this, the current page is clean, and the calligraphy is as delicate as it was in the previous ones.
Something happened to me recently. Something bad. I’m not in the mood to do this. I tried to write about someone else, but I can’t think clearly. I can’t do it right now, so I decided to write about someone that makes me feel more comfortable.
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Lloyd was the first friend I made since my arrival at Vallaki. I met him at the vistani camp, near the outskirts. I travelled with the vistani, and that camp was my temporary home at that time.
I saw him come out of the Mists. It was winter, he was shivering. I was carrying everything I owned at that moment, and between my belongings was a backup winter cloak. I gave it to him, and guided him to the campfire. He still has that cloak, I have seen him wear it this winter. It reminds me of the woman I was back then. The memories are not always pleasant.
He is one of the few people that hasn’t caused me any pain yet. This is why I chose to write about him in this painful moment. I always enjoy his company, even if I don’t see him as often as I’d like.
I remember a day, almost a month ago, when I just made the decision of leaving the adventurer’s life behind. That decision made me sad.
At the time I used to go outside wearing my robes, instead of my armor. I did this to remind me of my retirement, because I didn’t trusted myself, and wanted to be sure to keep the promise I made. It’s ironic that this decision was caused by Warden Laydon, because I think he would be angry at me for doing this.
So that day just started as any other routine day. By the time I was trying to learn herbalism, and Lloyd offered to come with me to the herbalist’s hut. When we were by the forest entrance, three enormous worgs were chasing a deer. The beasts noticed us, and for some reason the animals decided to let their prey go and try to eat us instead.
I drawed my sword, and fought them unprotected, wearing just my robes. I would have died if Lloyd wasn’t there. He managed to contain the three beasts while I did what I could to help.
The last beast, wounded, tried to run, we chased it, my robes were dirty, they had bloodstains, but I can remember I started laughing like a kid. I don’t know if he noticed why I was so happy about a situation that could have got both of us killed. That made me feel alive again.
I asked him many times. About conversion, about joining Her flock. He refused every single time. Without long theological debates, without asking much questions, almost with disinterest.
This fact makes me a little bit sad. I used to fantasize about him being a Templar. About him protecting me, as he uses to do, but wearing green and white this time, about him joining me in my Trial. More kid’s fantasies.
I consider him family. Even if he is not of the faith, even if he is damned. He is like a brother to me.
As I write these lines Lloyd is exploring Krofburg’s surroundings, patrolling the mountains to help the travellers. I miss him.
On the very end of the page there’s a clear stain. It has been carefully dried, and it’s barely noticeable.
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The calligraphy on this page is not as careful as it was before. It seems to have been written in motion, with little mistakes here and there and some ink stains
As I’m writing this we are on a wagon, in route to Levkarest. What I hope most from this trip is that it helps me collect my thoughts. My Trial is closer every passing day. I might be physically ready (or at least I hope I am), but I don’t think I’m mentally prepared. Since I was told that my training was finished, I have been doing meditation, speaking to people wiser than me, trying to prepare my mind and my soul.
I feel weak. Exposed. And even though some past experiences have helped me toughen up, I feel like I'm still too easy to bend.
Maybe is for that reason, that today I’m writing about the man who once pushed me to the breaking point.
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It’s hard for me to explain my relationship with him. My thoughts about him have changed so many times. I think it is best to go in chronological order.
He was the first person of the church that I spoke with. My first impression of him was that I found him imposing, and after hearing him speak, I felt admiration too. Those two things haven’t vanished. But the mixture is now more complex.
When I started my path as an Acolyte, I asked him for advice many times, and I spoke to him with sincerity with no regards. And that led to our first conflict.
I missbehaved. I knew that what I did was going to get me into trouble. But I did anyways, because I never felt that way before, and I wanted to explore those feelings, and I was weak. I didn’t knew what kind of penalty to expect, but what I got was a direct, blunt and brutal statement from Warden Laydon.
He told me my friends were The Legion, trying to lure me, and that I should stop seeing them, especially “that one friend”.
I need to put this into perspective. At that time I was not fully aware of how Warden Laydon thinks (not that I am aware of it now, but I had more insight on it), and I wasn’t aware of his reasons for telling me that. Now I know that he was trying to protect me, and he was doing this in the most effective way he knew. Cutting the root of the issue. He was not aware of the pain he was causing.
That felt as if he was ripping my heart from my chest. He was pretty much forcing me to choose between my friends and my faith. And that was a choice I could not make. I felt trapped. So I started to look for a way out. At that time I considered suicide.
I’m not gonna get into details of how I recovered from that. And about who and how took me out of that pit. I will address that in a future entry of this book.
This experience brought new feelings and thoughts about him. For some time, I was afraid of him. I was barely able to speak to him. I didn’t want to lie to him, so silence was my choice. For obvious reasons, at the time I was also angry at him. We had some arguments because of this. I’m pleased to say that these feelings have indeed disappeared.
The last time my thoughts about him changed was when we had the conversation that I mentioned at the beginning of this book. I’m not getting into details. But now I see him in a very different way. After that talk, any anger or fear towards him vanished. Now he gives me hope.
But also, a new feeling is taking hold on me. I feel pity for him. I think he doesn't allow himself to experience joy, love or pleasure. He is fighting to save a world he is not being able to enjoy. This makes me sad.
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This page and the following one are slightly darkened by the effect of the smoke, the writing interrupts suddenly in the middle of a sentence and then it’s resumed as if it was written in two separate moments and not in one single session, as it was the case with the previous chapters.
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As it happened with Lloyd, as I’m writing this entry, Vaeldian has been absent recently too. I think I know why, and I hope to have him back soon.
I remember meeting him as “Acolyte Melthar”, it was during the atonement of my sins, after my first confession. That night watching the walls of Raduta is still fresh and vivid in my memory.
He is a warden now, and he has overseen most of my training, But that is not the reason he is so important to me. He saved my life, not from the Legion but from my own sword. Since it was he the one who gave an answer to my impossible choice, saving me from suicide.
When I was broken, sinked in darkness and lost, he took me to the crypts below the Refuge, and showed me the tombs of the Templars, and right there, he told me that was expected of me, why my path was important, and what it meant to be an Anchorite. His words got seared into my mind.
Now, when I’m about to perform a shameful or questionable action, I remember his words.When I feel lost, I remember his words. When I’m about to break, I remember his words. When I get tempted by sin, I remember his words.
He helped me improve so much, not only as an Ezrite, but as a person.
When we returned from Borca, I remember I was asking all the wardens for advice on my Trial. Perhaps my talk with warden Laydon was the most important regarding my path, and my decision on the matter of delaying my Trial. But what Vaeldian told me when I asked him, has been what had more influence in me, what is truly helping me improve.
He asked me a simple question: “What are you good at?”
I was not capable of answering it back then. Not a single thing came to mind. That made me realize how big my problem was. And looking for the answers to that question helped me both improve and regain confidence in myself.
Now he is worried because he made a mistake. Or what he thinks is a mistake. Because an acolyte got endangered, and suffered, when he was in charge. I can understand why he feels guilty, I felt that guilt too, when Ranata died because I made a bad decision.
And this helped me see how it looks from the outside. It sounds even silly to me. If only he knew how I feel when I’m by his side. When I’m with him, I feel safe. His presence makes me feel like everything is going to be alright, no matter what we are facing. Only two people make me feel this way. The other one is Rannish, I will write about him in a future chapter.
I hope to see him soon again. My life is now like a coin turning in the air, two incompatible sides, two different paths. On one side, a path of light, that will lead to my own salvation and the salvation of many others, but that will demand from me a life of misery. And on the other side a path of darkness, the road to damnation, a road of sin, a life that I will enjoy in some ways, but that will lead to the loss of my family and to eternal torment. I’m now praying for the coin to land on its edge. I may need his counsel again.
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This pages have the scent of perfume, and are the cleanest of them all. The calligraphy is delicate and it was made with great caution and precision. The ink looks of a different shade than the previous ones.
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I have tried to write this entry many times. I was not ready, I had no perspective. But now it’s the time. I will speak about the person who gave me more joy and caused me more pain.
I can’t speak about what he felt. I can’t tell if he was sincere or not. But what I felt along this relationship has been changing with it. This was my first love, my first kiss. This has been very special to me.
At first, when we first met, it was not so intense. I didn’t knew exactly what I felt. When he dragged me along that wild adventure, the feelings were confusing, but the fact that I was denied of them, the fact that I was forbidden to see him, it made me desire it more and more.
By our third or fourth date it evolved to something really intense. To the point I neglected my obligations. Ranata called me out because of this, she told me I spent all my time with Nock. She was right. I wanted to be with him all day, we were so happy together.
There were bad moments. Our first breakup was really painful. I spent all night crying until I fell asleep.
But I believe the worst moment of them all was when I accused him of betraying me. When he recognized that he tried to make me leave the church, I lost it. To this day there’s nothing I regret more in my entire life than having yelled at him, than having caused him so much pain for something that was not that important. When all the emotions calmed down, I realized he was speaking of the past. He had multiple occasions to lead me astray, and he was always loyal to me and respectful of my path in the Church. What I did was unfair, irrational and a big mistake. That day I killed our relationship. I killed his feelings. I ruined everything. Even if our relationship continued after that, it was a walking corpse. A carcass of what it was before. Even today, when I remember that night at Raduta Keep, I can’t avoid crying.
After that ominous night, after I made my worst mistake, we tried to resume our relationship. But it was...different. We were different. And everything crumbled the day I managed to organize my life. The day I was ready to accept the disapproval of the church and live my life with him, all crumbled. He told me he didn’t loved me. He told me he was with me only because he felt guilty. I can’t remember feeling more despair than that day.
Despite the pain, he gave me the dearest moments of my life. Those whispers in the trees. Those nights sleeping together. Our first kiss. The night we made bread together. The night before Bastion Seccousses’s funeral, when I was on my starving penance I wasn’t able to walk, he carried me to Port-a-Lucine on his back. I was happy. Not all the time, perhaps even not most of the time. But what I felt in those moments is the more closer I have been to happiness to this day.
Right now. All of that is in the past. I don’t know if it was because of all the suffering, or because of the mist magic that healed my mind, but right now the feelings are not that intense. They are still there though. I don’t know if it’s because I miss the feeling, or because of the good memories we shared, perhaps it is because I feel more lonely than I ever felt since I arrived at Vallaki, but I still feel something. When I go on my morning walk, and I pass through the outskirts, I always look to that corner, hoping to see him there, standing.