Ravenloft: Prisoners of the Mist
Within the swirling Mist (IC) => Biographies => Topic started by: TherapyCat on October 01, 2017, 02:31:32 PM
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[ In a Leather Journal, Rests the words of One Aziza Nerfertiti]
My Mother,
I remeber her well. The soft honey undertones of her golden skin, her emerald eyes and curls of midnight draped around her face like it was an art form.
I wish I didn't remember the cuts on her neck, the bite marks in her shoulder. I wish i could forget the bruises that covered her body like a blanket.
I remember the way she used to teach me how to dance, the gentle swing of the hip, the beats hidden in the melodies that haunt my dreams.
I wish I didn't remember the way her body would ache after he was done with her, the way she couldn't dance with broken bones, or perhaps her feet didn't remember how.
He asked me if I remembered my mother, of course I remember her.
I wish my existance didn't cause her the pain it did.
I wish she was ugly, undesirable to the human eye.
I wish she was dull, I wish she was a bore.
But she wasen't, she was bright.
And her light is something I'll always remember.
Kryolin, I find him to be one of those people.
The bright kind. He is beautiful, white as snow. His kindness and snow it's self was something I was a stranger to before I came to these lands. However, I do not share romantic feelings towards him, it's something deeper than that, friendship perhaps even family.
He is kind, race aside. The people here have words to say towards him, but I wonder what they say about me behind closed doors?
He is kind, this I know. Few men in this world are kind.
He is beautiful, and his beauty is measured far more than his looks.
He is thoughtfull, he brought me robes the other morn.
Drow or not, he is my friend.
He is my family.
And I will remember that for always, as will I remember my mother.
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Ryatt,
I am rather fond of Ryatt. Simple as the words were, he was the first man to ever call me beautiful. Women will never admit to this, but we all desire to be told these words. I know he had likely said this to women before me, but the moment we met in that tavern, enticed me. Three secounds of living in the clouds before being drawn back to this harsh world. He is an outlander, as are all my friends. I do not suppose the locals like me too much, for I am an Akri. I wonder what the barovains think of us, a local ezrite thought my people were obesesed with the dead. But the dead are a constant part of Akiri Culture, how could we not be? Ryatt, is very beautiful as well, his physical appearance is ordinary, but his soul, his personality is vibrant. I've never met anyone like him.
My heart. It's never been given to anyone, my body has been passed around, and discarded, but my heart is something I have been saving, saving for someone who I thought would deserve it. Until I met Ryatt, I did not think I'd ever give it away. Dryjka is like the Albu I never had, and I listen to every word he says, lingers even. He warns me not to give my heart to Ryatt, but he had it the moment he flashed one his handcrafted smiles at me.
I'd love to save my heart, but he holds it in his hand unknowingly.
His eyes are the only ones I'd desire to get lost in, I care for him deeply, I have never been showed love, and I have never uttered the words to anyone.
I have fears, and they are only brought to life when I stand next to Ryatt.
He is here now, but would he stay, if he knew the truth?
If he knew my story, all of it?
If he did, would he return my love?
Or would he grow uninterested? Would he see me differently?
How do you say, I love you? When you don't know if they'll say it back?
You dont. You wait.
Less pain that way.
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Vayn,
My first friend. Weeks ago, I had desired he would be my first love.
I know we had something, that spark I had read about.
But I let him go, he was trying to fill his emptiness his wife let with women that meant nothing.
I am not nothing.
I had hoped he'd learn to love himself, but he's too busy trying to find people to love him.
I suppose that's why he surrounds himself with women.
Anna,
I have never felt this feeling. This Jealous feeling. I do not desire vayn, perhaps once I did, but that feeling has passed.
However, I see him with her. How she is disturbing his healing process. I only wish for him to be happy, and he will never be if he has women breathing on his neck all hours of the day. Does she not care for him? At times I feel I am the only one who cares with vayn, for I had the control not to push him into a situation that he was not ready for..
Perhaps no-one will never understand that more than I do.
She knows, I can see it in her perfectly crafted eyes, she knows.
She enjoys it, to some degree.
To watch me look to them.
I have Ryatt, and he holds my heart.
But Vayn does not need her to hold his heart, he needs to find it on his own.
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Dryjka.
My dearest albu. I owe him every smile that is ever painted on my face that reaches my eyes.
He is my world, I don't know what I would do if I were to loose him.
He has wisdom in his years, far more than I will ever hold.
I find my self struggling to write more sentences about him.
It's not that I don't have the words,
it's not I have so many that will never express the love I hold in my heart for the man who become my father
when I had not a single one.
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Kaine,
The good-willed idiot. I have never met someone so sure of their capability's and yet not posses any of them.
Into battle he charges, without planning and without fear.
He is kind, but the sands have raised me better than to grow attached to him,
for with his ignorance he will not make it through the winter.
Shame it is, how the good die so young.
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Astarte,
I remember her well.
There are times when your mind makes you remember things, you wish you couldn't.
This was one of those times.
I was walking from Tser pools, I just finished conversing with Albu. He misses home, I wish I knew how he felt. He was fearful of the future, of my future. I know that better than anyone. I placed words upon his heart. I hoped it soothed him, however only time can truly tell. I love him dearly, more so than I have loved anyone else, and pehaps more than I ever will. (Apologies Ryatt, if you stumble across this someday).
As I was walking, I looked up to the moon, and it reminded me of the girl that had done so, so many moons before.
I was eight, perhaps nine. We were in the slave quarters and mother was asleep, somehow through the pain.
I was looking out a small window- the only window. My arms were rested against the stone as my eyes washed over the moon, wondering who else was staring at it, this night.
I felt a hand with sharp nails resting on my shoulder- It was Astarte.
She was older, she was beautiful. She had hair identical to my own, but her eyes were a piercing blue, rather than a sweet honey brown.
" Should'nt you be working, Desert Flower?"
She smirked. Only my mother called me that. I wanted to kill her in this moment. I wanted to take off the chain of gold around her neck and strangle her with it.... I suppose it's true, what they say about the quiet ones. But I was young, young enough to know my place, to know my strength.
" T-t-t-he sun has not c-c-ome up yet, Miss A-a-starte."
I stuttered even more so then, I didn't stand a chance.
She stepped forwards, striking me with a slap to the face. I was so frail at the time from the undernourishment that I fell to the floor, my heart racing, and my body quivering.
I wanted to fight back, I wanted to throw her to the ground and watch the life leave her eyes.
My mother was stirring, my life didn't matter, but hers did.
She was everything,
I couldn't risk it for her.
" Father wishes to speak with you, get to it."
With that, she turned smirking, she was proud of the red mark she had left to my cheeks.
I looked down to my hands, how I could've fought back.
But then I remembered.
Slaves don't get to fight back.
I stopped looking up at the moon then. I adjusted the gem that Ryatt had given me around my neck.
I walked along the path, having pity for the girl I was, but proud of the woman I have become.
Never a slave, Never to be made a victim again.
-
Ryatt,
I never intended to love anyone so deeply, but as the days pass I cannot help but hold a flame within my heart for him.
Sometimes I wonder if he's frightened for my sake, or frightened for his own.. but there is hesitation within him.
Small steps, we are making together. But my life has been a series of constant small steps, would it be so foolish to run for once?
To love without fear, without hesitation, without caution, without reasoning?
We are young, afterall, are we not supposed to be foolish, to be reckless, to be stupid?
As strange as it sounds.... For once, I don't want every action to be calculated so perfectly.
I just want to be young- to feel youth before it leaves me forever.
Perhaps that is a foolish thing to wish for.
-
Aziza.
The name that I have carried since the day I was put on this earth.
The name has been slandered, sang, loved, adored, hated, and amongst many other things.
As have I.
The time in Barovia has made me change, not only internally, but as well as my outward appearance.
The henna lines on my hands, they have nearly faded.
I never thought I would miss them.
I have grown into a woman, in any and everyway .
Men stare.
Ryatt stares.
I'm not sure if it's a positive thing or not..
My power has grown with me.
When I came from the sands, the most intricate thing I could do was create light.
Now I create fire.
I've had friends.
Something I never had in the sands.
Dryjka,
Ryatt,
Wall,
Kaine (most days)
Sister Neph,
Kyrolin.
I never thought this day would come. That I would have a list of people that I hold close to my heart.
I never thought I'd let this many people in.
I never thought this many people would know my name.
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The outskirts.
This is were my work seems to keep me of late.
I try not to complain I do.
For this work I never have to worry about money, nor shelter.
I have food to eat, a plenty of it, and it is work that I can do in any season.
I try not to complain because I know life could be worse.
It has been.
But in these pages, the one place I can confide in, I feel if I never utter these words to anyone, it will do me good to get these feeling out of my heart and unto paper , if nothing else.
Things I wish the costumers would stop asking:
"Do you make the goods?"
Yes, I am a master with the herbs, and well as steel, various regiments, and advanced with leathers. Yet somehow I still wear worn shoes with tired laces and holes on the bottom. No- I do not make the goods, and even If I did, I fail to realize how this is relevant to the discussion of you buying them.
" Can you lower the prices?"
No. I cannot. I did not make the goods, the goods are not mine. There is a reason there is a price set, if I wanted to sell the goods at a lower price, I would. Once again, this question irks and frustrates me when asked repeatedly.
" Can you give me a deal Because ___"
Can I treat you specially for some reason because you rule a land that is not mine? Or you serve a god that is not my own? I don't set the prices, and if I did I would not set them specially to you or your friends.
Actions that Costumers do that annoy me:
- Chat for extended periods of time. I am a merchant, not your friend. I am simply here to take your fang.
- Coming up behind me and offering advice. Do not come near me, I am a witch with trust issues. Do not whisper to me, I hate secrets, and everything that cannot be spoken out loud is likely a secret.
- Offering Judgement. I'm surviving. Leave me be.
- Offering what they think to be "Helpful advice."
-Making fun of how I speak.
I will never understand why these individuals must make a scene about buying arrows.
But I need the fang, I need this work. Despite how frustrated I get I am grateful, for I am buying my freedom with every encounter.
For this is a world, where you are either the merchant, or the item being sold.
And the gods have given me a second chance to be the merchant.
I will not forsake it.
-
Upon my adventure to the Terg Ruins, I met a handful of people.
Craig McCraigor,
I cannot say that I met him this day, for I had met him several days previous.
He reminds of Dryjka, at least in his style. He is a very humorous man, one that speaks his mind so fluenty that there is no reason for me to believe he thinks while doing so.
He's rather kind as well, I've wanted to say hello multiple times, but given that he is often surrouded by women, I have assumed that he is quite popular.
I don't do well with those that are popular.
My anxiety and my need to have personsal space are often ignored.
Still, I am curious to know more about him.
Lady Deavera,
I hope I wrote that down correctly. These names are quite difficult to comprehend at times. Aziza is rather easy to write A-Ziz-A. Anyways, this woman is strong in combat, and in her talents with the arcane. I made note to establish her as an ally, for if she was to mistake me as anything else, I fear I would perish almost instantly. She moves beautifully.
If she were not so young, I would suggest her to Dryjka. She's rather cunning as well, I noticed this while I watched her fight.
Pie-ro,
A very interesting man. He is as mysterious as he is charming.
Something about him scared me and fascinated me at the same time.
I watched him stare at me, point blank with no shame.
It gave me chills and excitement in one breath.
We should'nt speak again.
For there is Ryatt.
The Knight "Micheal."
I was not found of him in the slighest.
For he comes up to women and touches them without any introduction nor dialouge.
Yes, I would understand if my injuries were lethal, and needed to be attended to
But that was not the case, nor did I ask for him to heal me.
He is lucky that I controled by temper, because my gut reaction was to set his skin to flame and watch him burn.
.... Needless to say, after this encounter I prayed for father Geb to grant me paitence.
-
Piero,
A part of me wished to see him again this day.
It feels wrong.
It does.
To want to be near him.
It feels like I'm betraying Ryatt.
If feels like I'm letting him go.
It feels like I'm moving on.
The whole Idea is insane anyhow.
I am in a comfortable relationship,
Is that not enough?
I should be happy,
I should be grateful.
Ryatt's given me a life that I would have never gotten in the sands.
Not to mention,
The likely hood that Piero would swoon for me
Or rather- not swoon for another.
Are encouragingly low.
I wish I could just be satisfied with comfort.
But for some reason being around Piero makes me strive for more.
When I sat down to write, I did not even mean to mention his name.
The quill wrote it before I could stop.
Ryatt and I spoke of the future several days past.
There was no urgency.
There was no need.
There was no passion.
Is that a bad thing, to desire Passion?
For him to be so crazy devoted to me, that the thought of marrying one day thrills him?
Sometimes I wonder if any of these feelings are normal, are natural.
I have not a soul to confide in.
It would break Dryjka's heart.
It would break Ryatt's heart.
I am happy enough.
I am comfortable.
I've never been one to take risks,
Why should I start now?
I ask myself this question many times.
But yet I still cannot spend a minute without the name Piero crossing my mind.
-
(She'd write this name, in all caps, the ink on the quill thick with Anger)
VONN,
Vonn is a thief, a lair, and a pest.
If it were not for my faith, and for my morals, I would've set him to flame.
Last night, I desired to go into the catacombs to put the dead to rest.
I was doing just fine on my own, nothing was overly concerning, nor challenging.
Then, A group of dwarves approach me, and a half-elf.
They all agreed, that If I allowed them to come, they would not touch the dead's belongings.
I explained to them, that it was important to my faith, and they all pledged not to.
I will try not to sound conceded,
but my power was unmatched compared to the rest of the party, I was doing the majority of the work,
Needless to say, I was not paying attention if there was a graverobber among the midsts.
We reach the central room, and this "VONN." takes out a amulet from the sarcophagus, right in front of me, with no shame.
I calmly, the first time address him by asking
"Did we not agree to leave the dead's possesions alone?"
He ignorantly said
" I did not agree to anything."
.... It took everything in me, to not set him ablaze.
Everything.
However, I am a better person, and more in touch with my power.
I simply prayed that Orsis to forgive them, and vacated the scene.
Next Zuia, today. He comes and approaches my wares.
I told him I do not sell to Liars and thieves.
Simple enough, yes?
Wrong.
He throws a fit, saying that I am not being factual.
I could care less, I still refuse to sell to him.
So he suggest that I leave.
Me the merchant, with the crate that weighs more than I do -leave-.
That is not going to happen, no.
So he decides to act like a child, and plant himself down besides my crate
He stays there for the entire day.
Once again, the thought to set him ablaze raged inside me..
But like always, I put it aside.
Night falls,
and I see the half elf, talking to two female halflings , they descend below the temple in the outskirts.
I warned him not to steal from the dead.
Orsis has his methods of dealing with those that do so.
Not even an hour later, the same halflings return to the surface without "VONN."
They are screaming for help, saying that he had fallen.
My faith has never been stronger...
I am not one to leave someone to die, however.
So I went down, unseen to asses the situation.
He was swarmed, surrounded by the warriors.
I couldn't face them, I am no warrior.
I return to the surface.
The halfings are determined to get this "Vonn."
They spend several hours rallying up random strangers to assist them.
Finally, they bring the man to Miss Lizuca, unfortunately she restores his life.
Instead of showing gratitude for the whole situation, this "Vonn." is enraged that someone stole his fang.
The same fang that restored his life.
It humored me.
The grave robber being upset,
that someone robbed his grave.
Rich, it is.
-
Enora,
I saw her again this day. It has been some time since we talked.
She is just as I remembered.
Strong, and free spoken.
Two things I admire.
Two things I strive towards.
-
Albu,
I talked to him several days past.
He's obsessed with some woman.
That's nothing new.
The way he described her made he sound just like the last.
Not that he'd listen what I have to say this time,
for he didn't listen before.
I love my albu, my dear Dryjka.
I do.
But times I feel he is more ignorant in matters of the heart than I.
There was a time when I stopped loving Ryatt, I know it to be true.
There was a time, where I longed for him to say things that he wouldn't.
When we stood in the woods, and I poured out my heart to him
when I spoke would of love and genuine sincerity
He said the words, like they were rehearsed.
Not like they were felt.
That does not make him a bad man,
he is one of the best I know.
But I deserve passion.
Albu warned me not to confuse lust with love,
ironic it is to me, for that is what he did every time with Meren.
The older I get the more I realize that
lust is void without love
and love is void without lust.
If there is not both,
the other can only stand alone for a certain amount of time.
-
[ An entry seems to be ripped out here]
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I visited him.
Kaine,
The goodhearted idiot.
Like animal in a cage,
he'd gone mad.
He wasen't the man I met when I arrived.
He wasn't Remorseful.
He wasn't Kaine.
He deserved to die,
to break free from the shell he was caught in.
The lies he was caught in.
I will not go to his drowning.
It's better to remember him strong.
My only fear is Dryjka,
he loved that ignorant fool.
-
Dryjka,
He was fine with Kaine's death.
At times he showed remorse, but he was more focused on talking about this woman of his again.
He's set to wed her now.
It's rather soon if you ask me.
But nobody asked so.
There's that.
While we were going on about his love life, the night began to fall and we found ourselves victims to the night legions.
These were larger than I have seen before,
but I of course did not have time to note anything else of them because I fell quickly.
When I awoke, Albu was holding me,
only then did he care about another life.
Death has been on my mind of late,
I know what happens when we die,
I know all about Orsis.
That is not what concerns me.
What concerns me is how quickly the world gets over our deaths.
With Kaine, it's as if the world didn't even blink for his death.
Yes, he was an idiot.
But do the dead get no respect in these lands?
No remorse.
Jacques,
I hope I wrote that correct.
He's an interesting man for some reason I feel the need to straighten my posture and speak clearly when addressing him.
For some reason I feel inferior around him, which is a strange concept. He has no power over me, other than the power I give him.Which is strangely more than I give Albu. He's a member of the Ezrite faith, their faith is interesting. More loving, more understanding than any faith I have heard of before.
But it just doesn't make sense for me, what with the lady of the Mists want with a woman like me? Anyhow, I'm distracting myself.
Jacques, according to Albu saved my life from the night legions, so I felt like it was necessary to give him my gratitude. Which I did, even if that meant the awkward encounter. Which it did.
Lance Corporal Savu,
I have no idea what a Lance Corporal is, or why it is so relevant to his title, but Albu informed me that this man also saved my life.
I have met this man before, he usually terrifies me, as of late however he's been acting rather... strange.
When I visited Kaine, he referred to me as a "Beautiful domna." when I was standing in the inn, he mentioned that I was "Looking good."
His compliments terrify me more. I don't trust them. Anyhow, regardless I was going to offer him my gratitude but he was too busy talking to some woman,
I imagine that he does that often. That him complimneting even, was just a routine thing for him. A man only interested in bedding women, I presume.
-
A woman told me to choke on my tears this day.
Then she called me a peculiar name, that I am POSITIVE Albu would not want me writing down, so I will not.
One would have to really try to choke on thier tears, besides there are quicker means for death.
Anyhow,
I met a strange group of being this night.
I was stalking around the graveyard unseen, which I suppose deserves some context.
I heard a woman complaining about a group of people meeting in the graveyard, and I was curious what for.
By curious, I mean terrified.
So I went to see what was happening, it was just Savu and some woman walking around, I presumed that they were off to do something I didn't wish to see, so I turned back to stand in front of the temple.
Then I saw savu and the same woman talking to a clad of men and women in black.
They seemed less then interested in conversation.
They saw me spying at them behind the stone then.
I should've ran, but I was far too curious.
They informed me that they were followers of Bane.
There were evil, rude, people.
Only one of them, is worth noting, the rest of them in the safety of my journal we will refer to as "Vile Scum."
Anyhow,
there was a kind one.
Named Dorian.
When the sun rose, he apologized that the group was so brash, with me.
He was kind,
but I still don't desire a friendship with him.
Considering the other people he surrounds himself with..
Still, I am a woman to appreciate an apology,
especially when I know they are rarely given out in these lands.
-
Harleen,
She didn't remember my name.
I wonder if she'll remember it now.
"Her life does not concern us."
"All life concerns me."
The beady eyed halfling ordered me not to heal the fallen Ezrite Paladin.
I couldn't leave her to die.
It was not her time.
I had to do it, even if it cost me my own life.
I've never lied.
Not once.
Never had a reason to.
With freedom comes the hardships of telling the truth, I know this now.
"If the corpse is not there, you are a dead witch."
The halfling was powerful, I have no doubt she could've ended me with a lift of her finger.
I could'nt die.
I have so much to live for,
and what of the tears, that Albu would shed at my grave?
I could'nt die.
I couldn't fight her, I couldn't outrun her.
"Did you heal the paladin, witch?"
"No."
I repeated.
I repeated the lie, I had wasted bandages upon bandages on the woman to cease her bleeding.
I couldn't leave a life.
I just couldn't.
I lied.
For the first time in my life.
The lie was the means of my survival.
I left then, after the halfling spared my life.
Perhaps lies are what is required for my survival in this world.
-
J'qarr.
I've spent so many hours with this individual that I have not had the time to write of such.
Where do you start, when writing about the one you love? Loved.
So much has changed. Only weeks ago I was speaking these words to Ryatt.
At the time I felt them to be sincere, but looking back on the matter I know now it was not the same.
With Ryatt, it was a brief thing, childish almost in its innocence, in it's ignorance.
I Stopped wearing his necklace, the night I met J'qarr.
It was as if Lady Isis was moving through me, each step walking closer to him.
Is this my destiny?
I think this to myself often, before I close my eyes for the night.
I believe I had a purpose in meeting Ryatt.
He made me open enough,
Caring enough,
even human enough,
to know and experience love with J'qarr. Stupid Girl.
Is that all life is then?
Are the people we meet just metaphorical stepping stones, in our journey towards our inevitable death?
I fear I think too much.
I fear I love too much.
I care too much.
If this must come to an end,
if J'qarr is just another stepping stone.
Then I vow to myself to enjoy every little step while I have it.
For friendship in these lands is uncommon,
and love is nearly extinct.
Cling to what is good.
Even if it is unknown.
-
This is a note to myself, a mental one..
To explore caves more often.
Alot more often...
....
Never Visit that cave again.
Thank you, Lady Isis.
-
J'qarr
I took him to the sands.
It was a rather foolish thing to do.
The risks were high.
If someone pulled down my cowl,
I would be killed then and there.
So why did I do it?
It started off as punishment
For an unacceptable comment he made.
Then he showed me beauty in these lands that have harbored nothing but darkness my entire existence.
We walked to the Oasis.
The wildlife was beautiful.
But so was he.
Something wild, something new,
something beautiful.
-
Barovia,
Words are wasted in these lands.
Why waste breath, words, space?
Why ruin the humble silence if it is not needed?
Why tell a merchant that you are not interested, but not offer them a farewell?
To this day it puzzles me.
They speak constantly, yet say nothing of importance.
-
Love is confusing.
J'qarr,
I stare out at the pond in the mist camp often.
I make excuses to sale my wares there.
I hope that he'll pass through.
I hope that he'll stay.
And he does for a time
And when he is there, by my side
Everything is perfect,
everything is beautiful.
Then he steps away.
As he does so often.
When he steps away,
It feels as if I am staring at a stranger.
When he steps away, my mind paces
my heart races
Where is he stepping?
To another woman?
To another Brothel?
Away from me?
Love is confusing.
Because even though he steps away,
my love for him still grows stronger.
Antatoly,
I saw him several days ago
it was brief
it was strange
Then he stepped away, perfectly fine
as he went to sell his wares .
it was confusing.
Ryatt,
I have not seen him several weeks now.
Last time we talked it was odd
We spoke of children, Marriage
He lacked light in his eyes
Then he vanished.
Stepping away.
As he did often
it was complicated
It was confusing.
Its alright if J'qarr wishes to step away,
but the fear of him running haunts me.
Why I am scared of love?
Is it because I have finally found it?
Why am I so paranoid of getting hurt?
These are the questions I ask, that seemed to never get answered,
Because Love is Confusing.
-
Risks,
I am not a woman of risks.
I have made a total of three in my seventeen years on this earth.
The first was a year ago, when I ran from the sands.
Away from the sands
and towards my freedom.
The first was loving Ryatt.
Staring into the pools of his eyes.
Trusting every word he ever said.
Loving him, was a risk.
The third, was touching J'qarr
Letting me know his heart
and letting him have mine.
He is my biggest risk,
and he is worth it.
Risks are never worth the pain they bring.
But with risks come consequences.
and I have yet seen the one that comes with J'qarr.
This, is what fears me.
-
I saw a ring today,
A simple gold band.
I looked to the Vistani man who was selling it.
I wondered of all the men, or women that had worn it before.
Then I pictured the one I wished to wear it next.
I don't know what I intend to do with this simple gold band,
but it is now in my possession.
Love is confusing.
A band doesn't keep a man from running.
Stupid Girl.
-
[This passage has been ripped out.]
-
[This passage has been ripped out.]
-
The Man I loved,
His heart was the most precious thing my hands has ever held
but it was also the most explosive.
I was caught in a dance with a wildfire
The pure beauty was something unkown to my skin.
I would have thought it to be beautiful,
had it not burnt my flesh.
But it did.
It burned.
More than the sun
more than the fire.
More than I have known.
His feet were always moving
Stepping away from me
or toward my demise.
Paranoia, Jelously, Greed.
All these things he put into me.
All these things that haunted my needed sleep.
Because I was the fool for thinking a ring of gold
and words of love,
could mend the foundation of a house that has been long abandoned.
Someday I will be built again
My walls made of passion
and my floor made of earned trust.
And then never, will the abandoned house be burned to the ground again.
-
"He was just another stepping stone."
That is what I told myself.
In a pathetic attempt to get any rest that night.
I stared at the celling of my inn room,
questioning everything.
Even the wood beams above my head.
I questioned them.
From which tree were they cut from?
From which man?
From which hands?
These questions distracted me from the pain for a time.
Until my eyes fell on my own hands,
and I looked to my finger than bared his ring of promise.
Without it, there is a tan line.
A line that reminds me of him.
Of my own failures.
Of the Love I lost to Paranoia.
-
I met the Owl boy formally in the Ezrite library last night.
He doesn't know, that I know he is the owl boy.
But he knows I am the owl girl.
What can I say?
This whole situation is a Hoot!
[ The line " this whole Situation is a hoot" is crossed out, and sloppily written over it, is a mental note to herself "This is why you are unwed Aziza."]
-
Aziza,
Eventually
"A girl" grows tired from running
and she goes back home
to the man she knows
will keep her safe, will keep her warm,
will keep her sheltered.
Even if she is a stupid girl.
He loves me, He loves me not
I've outgrown flowers and doubting.
He loves me. [/s]
Stupid Girl.
-
I do not care what they say about the one I love under their breath.
These people do not know his character.
They do not know his heart.
I do.
I know this heart, it is the one I love.
The one I broke
The one I wish to rebuild.
It's the one that I listen to when I fall asleep beside it,
the steady beat makes me feel safe.
It makes me feel warm.
stupid girl.
-
With that I moved onwards.
Just another stepping stone.
-
Walking free is refreshing.
Without a hand to hold I have no responsibility.
I also have nothing dragging me down.
Yet the winter is still cold.
and I feel it more so now.
Another stepping stone.
Yes.
Inhale
Exhale.
Keep Walking.
Another stepping stone.
-
I have this ridiculous amount of freetime.
Empty space
Empty Soul
Empty thoughts.
Too much time for thinking.
But yet I keep stepping,
Hoping that one day I'll cross the river.
Till I'm home.
-
Each day it gets easier.
Each day I step further away.
Each day I'm getting stronger.
If I tell myself I'm not alone.
I'm just not next to anyone.
Somedays I walk the lands
without shoes.
I let the earth collect in my feet.
I let the rocks scratch my toes.
Because then,
I feel something.
And I remember,
I'm free.
When I'm alone.
-
Life is practically back to normal.
Just a girl and her snake.
Selling wares with a blank face and an empty heart.
It's true what they say,
It's getting easier.
-
It was raining.
I looked up and squinted at the clouds.
Rain seems to make everyone somber
But I find solace,
to know that the heavens weep more than I ever will.
I just kept walking.
ItŽs one of my habits of late.
to just walk.
I stopped for a minute.
And for a secound.
I felt like a child,
like the girl I never was allowed to be.
I stomped through puddles and barefoot
I ran.
Jubilantly.
Happily.
Spontaneously.
and I smiled.
For the first time in weeks.
I smiled
Because I felt the presence of father Geb.
In the air that I breathe
in the earth through the cracks in my toes.
I could feel again.
And the sky opened up.
And the rain stopped
Once I learned to find solace
with something everyone found so somber.
-
You weren't stupid for loving,
You were stupid for thinking that love could'nt hurt you.
Her words cross my mind quite often.
They hold truth, perhaps more than I am willing to admit.
I've done alot of walking.
It reminds me of when I first came here and I learned the land by doing deliveries.
So many thoughts,
So many questions unanswered.
It used to be haunting.
Now it's more of a vauge fascination.
It's not greiving of what could've been.
But instead wondering.
Wondering without pain,
because I know it will never be again.
In some twisted way, I've accepted that.
Inhale.
Exhale.
It's just another stepping stone.
My talents are getting more powerful.
I've never had this much destruction at my finger tips before.
It's... terrifying.
I preach peace, but I could destroy a sea of men in a matter of seconds.
It's reassuring, to know that my chances of becoming a victim fall rapidly as my power rises,
But it's also terrifying to know that one slip of sanity could take away everything I've ever believed in.
The days are long, but I apperciate everyone of them.
The pay is nice, from being a merchant.
So many women find other ways to gather coin, in much less ideal situations.
I should be grateful, and I am.
But it gets lonely.
The only conversations I have these days are "Yes, you can open the crate."
"No I can't lower the price.", "Thank you." , "Peace be with you."
I suppose I crave that thing most people do.
Compassion.
Real Compassion.
Something I've never been showed.
Not undivided, anyhow.
I have power, I have wealth.
But I have no one to share it with.
What's the point?
-
Rivas,
A dream for a moment.
A friend in the next.
It was the right thing to do.
Didn't make it any easier, however.
I'm beginning to learn it never is.
-
Rory,
The stranger in the night.
If I was wiser, I'd remind myself the last time I trusted a man with a charming smile that greeted me in the night.
Although I never claimed to be wise.
You'd think a girl would learn.
But he didn't run.
He didn't act like I was insane.
Or stupid.
Or Controlling.
He just smiled.
Like I was a woman.
and he was a man.
His smile may never mean what I wish it too.
But it made me feel human again, if nothing else.
This would be simple.
This would be easy.
He is good, he is kind.
He is honest.
He is humble.
Lady Isis.
Please.
I'm begging you.
I'm Pleading to you.
Don't let me mess this up.
Don't let me scare him away.
Help me not to be afraid.
Don't let this be my fault, not this time.
Please.
-
I used to love that tree.
How it sheltered me from the storm.
But I shared that tree with another,
who brought the storm with him.
This should be a lesson learned,
I should be regretful.
But I think about that trickling flame on the candle
how the flame blew out quicker than we did.
Perhaps it was a sign.
I'd like to think however it was just a coincidence.
That this flame within us will be burnt again.
I always lingered unto hope when there wasn't any there.
For I used to love that tree.
How it sheltered me from the storm.
But I shared that tree with another,
who brought the storm with him.
-
"What Did That Candle Mean?"
It meant I would've waited.
For that pigpen
For that tree to shed its leaves and grow anew.
But all candles wither away eventually.
Some quicker than others.
For fire is destructive as it is beautiful.
Something You'd think I would've learnt by now.
-
I've spent my life being peaceful.
Keeping my mouth shut, giving my smile unfaltering..
One heartbreak too many,
One word too many,
One day too many.
And I snapped.
I erupted.
I don't know what's worse.
The fact that I said it,
Or the fact that I don't regret it.
I'm sick of bottling it up when every other heart around me remains hollow.
What's the purpose of peace in this violent world?
Another Naive girlish fantasy of mine.
What's the purpose of love, in a world that won't spare me any?
Another Naive Girlish fantasy of mine.
I need to calm down.
This isn't me.
None of this is me.
So why do I like it?
" I hope you drown."
-
HeŽll love, someday.
I know that he will.
HeŽll give away that heart I wouldŽve cherished.
I know that he will.
And SheŽll be lucky, but she wont even realize it.
I know he will.
Perhaps a part of him already is.
-
An Apprentice
I've had one before.
I taught him everything he knows.
Then He loved me
Then He out grew me.
Then he left me.
But this one.
He has promise.
He will never know me
He will never love me
He will never outgrow me.
I promise this.
-
Timond,
I have no idea what to do with Timond.
Not in the slightest.
-
I had one promise that I had kept to myself.
Just one.
And Yet again, I broke it.
-
This is my chance.
This might be my only.
This might be the last.
I can't mess things up.
No, Not with him.
This time It will be different.
Everything will be different.
It has to be.
-
There are a great many things I find beautiful.
But nothing compares to his smile.
I often find myself thinking in my spare time exactly how I could recreate it.
-
I am a woman of many mistakes.
But I am never afraid to own them.
Never.
I hope he reads the letter.
My words strike true.
-
Timond.
I only got through a quarter of the letter before he kissed me.
Sweet.
Just as it should be.
Just how its never been.
He won't be another stepping stone.
He'll be the last..
-
How I adore him, my sweet Timond.
Even when he is not in my presence.
Gutter Understands my desire not to be wed so quickly.
Not that Timond has even asked.
Who would, so early?
We are young true, but we are far from foolish.
Tinu,
She is a kind woman
But she is the epitome of foolish.
That is evident in the fact that she ever had romantic affections for Kaine.
Respectfully, who is she to comment on how I choose to live my life?
I am ready for love, and I have found it.
But Marriage is completely separate matter that I would rather postpone.
Timond would wait.
He will wait.
The best wait.
And he is the best out of those I have found.
-
In a way, The more I encounter Gutter, The More I think myself to grow fonder of him.
Its nothing romantic, not in the slightest.
I am fond of him, how I am fond of Dryjka.
Or.
Was.
Am.
I'm not sure.
We haven't spoke since the J'qarr Incident.
I have too much pride to admit I was wrong.
That Albu was right.
Albu was right.
If I was a less prideful woman, I'd admit that Albu was always right.
Even writing the words makes me angered.
Gutter will never replace Dryjka.
But he does make me feel safe.
Wanted.
Cared for.
That's something that I have missed.
I tell myself that I am a woman of Gebs teachings.
It should be easier for me to pick up a quill, and write to My Albu.
But what would I say?
That I'm apologetic??
I'm not apologetic for loving, Only for allowing myself to be so naive.
If I wrote that, would it be enough?
Would there even be a purpose?
Besides.
He has a perfect life now.
The one he always wanted.
I was just a stepping stone for him to accomplish that.
-
On this day, I am a loss for words.
So I will simply write
"Timond."
-
So much has happened since I last wrote.
"Timond". Was one of the most wonderful people, that I have came across.
So much so, that I knew I would never make him happy.
Irionically I think a part of him thought the opposite.
This is the only one, where it felt different.
where there wasn't hatred, and sobbing and tearing each other down.
It was just the end.
And we had both come to accept it.
Bhalt.
then there was Bhalt.
A beautiful face, a warm smile.
But he was never really mine.
It took me longer than it should to realize it.
There is some solace however.
Because I look at all these women around him,
and I know that they will never be his either.
Now, but Now, there is Mat.
And he wishes to whisk me away to the port city.
He wishes to get a house together.
Create a new lives for ourselves.
I flip through the pages,
through the heartbreaks, the joy, and the betyral that I've scribbled down in these pages.
And all along I thought I was being thoughtfull calculated.
Look where it has gotten me.
If a boy, who says he loves me, wishes to give me a fresh start?
I'd be foolish not to take it.
-
Alae,
my first female friend.
It feels nice.
It feels better than nice.
She understands, everything.
And she is so kind, so intellegent, humorous and beautiful.
I am fortunate to have met her, much less allow her to get as close to me as she has.
I thought Enora and me were friends for a time.
But I look at her now, and slightly dispise the woman she has become.
Perhaps she was always that way and I just never saw it.
-
Mattie seems to be inconsistent.
In practically every matter of his life,
With the exception of me.
I Know I've tried love before.
But it's never tasted sweeter
than it has, in this moment.
Here and now.
I do not know my furutre,
I didn't attempt to plan it, nor control it.
Perhaps it was a foolish thing.
But I have lived a life of calculated actions.
I am young, and perfectly content to announce that I am aware, and now wish to live.
Foolishly.
-
Some say the truth will set you free,
I fear mine would do quite the opposite.
-
Where you lay down your love.
Is where you can build your life.
we'll find a way, somehow.
-
I thought of every boy I've ever loved this day.
It was a rather somber process I admit.
I didn't understand the words, when I said them to Ryatt.
That didn't mean I don't care for him.
But looking back on it, I realize I didn't know how.
I wish him the best, where ever he roams.
I keep his pendant in storage,
for it is too painful to hold to my heart.
I think of J'qarr.
I know I shouldn't but I do.
He wasen't an evil man.
He wasen't.
He just couldn't fight away his own temptations, his own demons.
Then again.
i was no saint.
Isolation became my form of Brothels.
And paranoria became my brandy.
I was addicited.
Scared, enthralled by what I didn't know or understand.
neither of which were healthy.
I think of Timond the most.
guilty. I feel this.
Because in my heart, I knew he loved me.
I know I adored him.
I never wished to cause him pain.
But like the suns light, I burn.
without intention.
I couldn't have made him happy.
He deserves a life, a normal one.
With children, a legacy.
I would be a risk.
A libaility.
He knew it,
but he cared for me too much to realize it.
I loathe myself for not being strong enough, to resist Bhalt.
A charming face, and voice of silk.
I was captivated, and he wasen't even amused.
He made it clear, what his inentions were.
And I was Naive enough to think I could change such.
I hope what he wishes has given him what he wanted.
Admittedly, I don't think he'll ever find genuine happness however.
Contentment, perhaps.
then there is Matty,
who pulls me out of such thoughts.
Hence, why I love him, truely..
-
I've been used by so many men in such a short existence.
She offered me a chance to use them.
Part of it sounds rewarding, to get retribution.
The other part of me, knows such is morally wrong.
Then again, Barovia seems to be a place that lacks such.
It's getting harder to hold on to my own.
she told me repeatedly I had the 'Physique of a dancer. '
Little does she know I lack the heart of one.
None of this feels right.
But soon I will be living my mothers dream.
Because it was my existance the reason she was never able to do so.
So perhaps, it is morally wrong.
But for my mother,
Always Retribution.
-
I don't deserve to be his wife.
To have his name.
To have his love.
I know I don't deserve such....
But It's all I want.
It's all I ever wanted.
And it's now, right there, in front of me.
So I will have it.
-
It feels strange, to be stitching a dress of white.
Knowing good and well, that I do not deserve to wear it.
-
This is is last entry that is ever to be written.
Because the Story of Aziza Nerfertiti,
has already been told.
Ended.
Here marks the beginning of my new life, as Aziza Silverkin.
The Story is no longer mine to tell, but ours.
The story is no longer mine to be a burden, but ours, to deal with together.
This story, is unwritten, and we shall write it together.
Thus, Being the End of Aziza Nefertiti.
Alnhaih