Vilaera's Journal

[Lightweaver]

It was only after the deal was struck that I felt the true weight of the book. It is a simple enough thing with a supple leather cover and rough pages the gold-kissed color of autumn wheat. It unnerves me because it is my book and I am responsible to fill the vast emptiness of its pages. The purchase was the promise I made to the gods within all things.

I doubt I will live so long as to complete this book. It may be in one of the many hundreds of disasters that I will face that the book will not survive me. It is a sickening sort of gamble that makes me regret the thought.

I will be mindful that this might be my legacy. Hundreds of such little books must exist from all the Outlanders who had been taken and summarily brought to their ends...

Better to focus on something positive.

[The sketch occupies its own page]

I do not think I have done him the justice of any sort of accuracy. It is a sketch for myself, and I only tore out a few pages until producing a scrawl that stuck. He is a peerless fellow and I could fill this book attempting to capture him with some accuracy. I am not sure what the others would say if I spent my days staring at Edward while sketching, so I think I will let this depiction from my memory be the last of it.

It may be something to remember him by, as well. Paladins are notorious in their duty and Edward is no exception. I have come to know many paladins in my time here and I think Edward makes me happiest because he is so ridiculous.

He uses roses for bookmarks.

I saw him the other day going about his morning routine and it involved complimenting himself in the mirror.

I could not make this up if I tried.

Thankfully, he is also rather genuine. It is a fine sort of combination that makes him wonderful company. I have met so many here that give me some hope - not of escape - but of some joy to combat the darkness.

[Lightweaver]

I am learning to recognize which plants are safe for consumption, be it for the flavoring of a meal or for greater medicinal property. It has involved some trial and error that sees my evenings either comparing drawings to the pickings, or consulting directly with the veteran herbalist. The resource has saved me countless hours and I cannot even begin to imagine learning without aid. I would have poisoned myself by now.

The search for these herbs gives me a great deal of time in which to think. I try to distract myself from the sense that I am being watched always, that I am pursued by some predator that I cannot hope to contest. It is a prevalent shadow when I am alone, a fear that I cannot quite shake. It seems to heighten that all I do is worry …

...I worry for every person I know.

...I worry I will be too slow to learn how to help them.

...I worry that I will be too slow to learn how to stop hurting them.

I am happy in the distraction of their company but once alone I worry, and I worry … It twists my insides with a thousand possibilities all dire and unwanted.

Despite it all I enjoy the study because it represents productivity. A step forward toward defeating some of my many concerns. I just hope it will be enough when the time comes.



The sun is shining right now so I think I will sit down and draw Clay.

[The painting occupies its own page]

Vayn said he would find some paints for me when he travels to Port-a-Lucine. The country is evidently suffering from a civil war and so I will worry for him, though I lied and told him I wouldn't do such a thing on account of his many survivals thus far. When he returns I think I will add some color to this. I could only find drab tools in Barovia. Perhaps I simply don't know where to look.

There are some details that are off but I think it is recognizable as Clay. I am happy to see him.

I should sketch him smiling, soon.

[Lightweaver]

Vayn found me. He returned safely from his troubles and brought me the oil paints I had requested. I wish I could thank him more.

Today was eventful but I am beginning to feel discouraged. I cannot do enough for anyone.

Whining never makes one a likable person so I'll need to nip that habit.

Edward and Oliana wish to sponsor my art on behalf of the Sunite church. I have agreed to take a commission from Edward but I think it may be my last - I am not talented enough to make a career of it.  People do not have interest in art when their survival is at risk every moment of the day.

Priorities...

I wish I could go home.

[Lightweaver]

I was so oblivious …

I should have never contradicted my initial sense to be afraid. He had filled the threshold; a giant of a man, with a fierce great axe resting over his broad shoulder with confident ease. He was alone in the horrible place we had brought ourselves and he was at ease.

I had wished to believe him some lone champion. He conducted himself like a leader of man and his words appealed to me in a way like no other. He had passion, ambition, strength … he would bring change.

He was to make ripples.

...But he is a monster.

I was foolish enough to give him my name but by the same awe I held toward his presence, I cling to the belief that I am too meager for his like to trifle with. Even so, I have caused myself enough turmoil with my foolishness and will take the advice to remain at the Temple.

I will cower away because it is all I can do.