Author Topic: Journal  (Read 823 times)

haifisch021

  • Undead Master
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  • Posts: 256
Journal
« on: February 07, 2018, 09:54:20 PM »
Woe betide me! Sorrow fill my veins
and flood my heart again!
I stand now upon a hill,
and from my vantage point I see the cobble laid by Fate,
a path that twists and eddies like a violent river
a path borne from Easterly light
and fades in yonder Western chasm.

In the light of dawn I see a schism form,
the progeny of light segregated by the flavor of the soil
that served as their nursemaid.
The men and women boil in the fever of their passion
until the brine of their hearts rends the land asunder.

At the cusp of daylight they flit around me,
Iron eagles circling, taunting each other.
Their plumage bared upon their chest thrust boldly into the light
gleaming in the noonday sun.
LIke a whirlpool they make their circuit,
crashing like waves, screeches tearing the sky.
Iron plates and iron drops kiss the ground,
blood of broodmates glistening like starlight.

At the sun's rest I bear witness,
a grieving father among the wreckage.
Briefly the sun lingers upon the horizon,
a tombstone for the filicidal spat.

Woe betide me! Sorrow fill my veins
and flood my heart again!
I stand upon the hill and weep;
is it the fate of this mortal lot
to be the bearer of their own demise?
Must he be the bringer of libation
and his own essence the wine?

I stand upon my hill
and see the the valley drink,
drink the blood of brothers,
growing fat from this unhallowed tide.
I watch the sanguine ether of mankind trickle to the chasm
into darkness, forgotten by all but He who stands at the end,
He who stands at the end of everything.
Me miserable! which way shall I fly
Infinite wrath and infinite despair?
Which way I fly is hell; myself am hell;
And in the lowest deep a lower deep,
Still threat’ning to devour me, opens wide,
To which the hell I suffer seems a heaven.

haifisch021

  • Undead Master
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  • Posts: 256
Re: Journal
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2018, 11:55:45 AM »
<Yet another page is torn from the journal.>
« Last Edit: March 06, 2018, 03:46:08 AM by Barris »
Me miserable! which way shall I fly
Infinite wrath and infinite despair?
Which way I fly is hell; myself am hell;
And in the lowest deep a lower deep,
Still threat’ning to devour me, opens wide,
To which the hell I suffer seems a heaven.

haifisch021

  • Undead Master
  • ****
  • Posts: 256
Re: Journal
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2018, 04:07:20 AM »
These nights are getting so quiet.
I find myself looking up at the moon a great deal on nights like these, when I am not working or sleeping.
I wonder, if the moon is a mirror, who is looking back at me? If it is a portal to the past, what memories do I see?
The sound of fire crackling echoes in my ears. The idle chatter. the rumination and planning of my friends, these thoughts are brought to the forefront of my mind. I hear them but in the night the sounds flee from me and are lost in the darkness. They are gone now, and I do not know when I will see them again. I do not know that if I do, things will be the same. Time pulls people apart from each other, and I suspect there are few I was ever truly close to as it were.

I hope that some day I will have an impact on others as others have on me. I hope that some day I will be a beacon for those in need of guidance. I hope that someday I will find myself in the company of people who I may truly call my friends. I hope that someday I will escape this loneliness that has rooted its way into my heart.

I hope that someday I will find clarity. I would be ignorant to state that there are none who care about me. I have found a family in my faith. These feelings of loneliness persist though, and I tell myself that I am perhaps crazy. But I am feeling like this, then is there not at least some truth to my condition?  Will I ever find any form of self assurance such that I might push back against the tide of wilting humor? Even in my own journal I do not feel secure. I return to my old entries and am filled with disgust, not warmth. Do I truly loathe my own peculiar disposition that it turns my stomach to see it with my own eyes? Or am I just disgusted by my own self-pity?

Whatever the case, I may only be grateful that I am saved by the Morninglord, for as my self-doubt grows, I take further refuge in my unending faith in Him. He is my master, He is my shepard, He is my shining light. He will guide from this morass of darkness in which I am so deeply steeped. In my faith I will be set free of my bonds, in my faith I will be set free of my cruel heart and this needling pain that fills me.

O Dawnfather, save me! Save me from my wretched state! Help me purge my mind from the pain of these memories, these brief glimpses of a selfish love that I am so lustful for! This love is not Your path. This earthly desire is one of licentiousness, one of corruption, one of darkness. O Father in my lust I sin... Hear my confession, I beg you, so that by Your eternal grace I may be saved...
« Last Edit: March 06, 2018, 04:09:42 AM by Barris »
Me miserable! which way shall I fly
Infinite wrath and infinite despair?
Which way I fly is hell; myself am hell;
And in the lowest deep a lower deep,
Still threat’ning to devour me, opens wide,
To which the hell I suffer seems a heaven.