I thought of every boy I've ever loved this day.
It was a rather somber process I admit.
I didn't understand the words, when I said them to Ryatt.
That didn't mean I don't care for him.
But looking back on it, I realize I didn't know how.
I wish him the best, where ever he roams.
I keep his pendant in storage,
for it is too painful to hold to my heart.
I think of J'qarr.
I know I shouldn't but I do.
He wasen't an evil man.
He wasen't.
He just couldn't fight away his own temptations, his own demons.
Then again.
i was no saint.
Isolation became my form of Brothels.
And paranoria became my brandy.
I was addicited.
Scared, enthralled by what I didn't know or understand.
neither of which were healthy.
I think of Timond the most.
guilty. I feel this.
Because in my heart, I knew he loved me.
I know I adored him.
I never wished to cause him pain.
But like the suns light, I burn.
without intention.
I couldn't have made him happy.
He deserves a life, a normal one.
With children, a legacy.
I would be a risk.
A libaility.
He knew it,
but he cared for me too much to realize it.
I loathe myself for not being strong enough, to resist Bhalt.
A charming face, and voice of silk.
I was captivated, and he wasen't even amused.
He made it clear, what his inentions were.
And I was Naive enough to think I could change such.
I hope what he wishes has given him what he wanted.
Admittedly, I don't think he'll ever find genuine happness however.
Contentment, perhaps.
then there is Matty,
who pulls me out of such thoughts.
Hence, why I love him, truely..