Updated my Journal.
Oh Morninglord,
Dawnbringer, how I hate the Vroloks.
I wish that by your guidance I may become an adept slayer of these creatures of the night who mock the living, destroy families and shatter relationships.
People mock my being a virgin. They tell me the solution to that is visit a brothel. I don't... Feel like that is the answer.
I think love might help. There is that empty feeling... The one that says no matter what you do people will never 'like' you.
The one that says you will always be an outsider.
The one that says aside from helping people with their problems when they have run out of other options you will never be able to serve any use for them and that you are not, can never be their friend.
It is hard at times to be good when it feels, you can almost sense the evil there being sympathetic to your cause. It preys on our insecurities and tells us what we want to hear with its honeyed, deceitful tongue. It promises us the things we desire most but yanks them away at the last moment when they are tantalizingly close yet just outside our grasp. Then it mocks us for wanting them and being foolish enough it reasons, to have felt they were ever anywhere near within our reach.
Those who are allegedly good will look their noses down upon you for not being, matching their preordained idea of good.
This lack of unity... The darkness thrives on sewing fear and confusion.
The new dawn brings with it fresh hope and the promise, one often realized of new opportunities which were not available the day before. Its providence allows us second chances to do right those actions we neglected to perform adequately before, too.
Laywoman Kaliara told me I should reflect upon what the Morninglord is about, look often upon the icons and when in the sanctuary to examine the statue. That I need to have almost conversational prayers with Him in order to discover my own source of faith. A connection to the Morninglordian way.
Thus far I have not felt the stirrings of much anything divine seeming but I like the ML church. There are many things about their outlook with which I feel I can identify.
Maybe He chooses to guide my mind, heart and arms in other ways that are subtler than those employed by a priest or paladin.
Perhaps I do not *need* divine or otherwise extraordinary power to do things in His name.
Someone asked to see my Morninglord amulet outside during the day and as I was about to hand it to him it felt as though all of time stopped and I faded from existence. I know not where or when I am. Instead of all being dark there is blinding light all around.
Maybe this is a test of my devotion.
I can write in my journal but that is about it.
Inexplicably there is just me with a quil, the journal and the amulet among my other effects. I cannot see more than a scant few inches ahead of me.
Morninglord, I want to prove myself.
I want to show these Barovians there *is* hope.
Even without the love of Reveka or the friendship of the Matron I can still be a force for good.
I have had a few blackouts before but never a whiteout.
Not like this.
Perhaps I am suffering from a fever induced delerium. That would explain a few of the oddities.