Author Topic: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier  (Read 1628 times)

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[all text is written in High Mordentish unless explicitly stated otherwise]

25th March 772

Sermon ideas: truth. Why is it important in the eyes of Ezra? Is it subjective? Is it objective? To what degrees? Tie this into the notion of duty. Do we have a duty to be honest and truthful with ourselves, first and foremost? Don't get too philosophical, remember what old Sister Clarisse used to say: you're addressing a congregation, not a a seminar.

* * *

Helped negotiate peace between those hot-heads earlier. Hope it lasts. Dalensbane more reasonable than expected. Said a woman mellowed him. Go figure. Kinship still needs to heal. Will be a lot of work. But there's a lot of work in Port too. And that's not even counting the damn vampires.

Wish I could be two places at once.
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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2nd June 772

The Grand Scheme is unknowable, at least to we poor mortals. This isn't so much an axiom of faith as it is a rational deduction; whatever created this Hollow was as beyond our ken as I am to the simple cicadias making their music outside my window. Yet so many people crave certainty, either seeking it out within their own scope, defiant to external tests; or pour meticulously over every note, each secret, perch an ear to every whisper, to try and understand what, whom, where, how, why?...

I find it odd to contemplate of the worlds outside the Hollow; beyond the Mists. They sound so big, so vast! By all accounts a single average-sized realm is as big as, if not larger than, the whole Core! So many people, living countless exotic different lives, thinking new and strange thoughts in their multitudes. And they all drain here, into the Hollow.

It's a tiny place, this Hollow; a single dark grain of sand on the vast beach of the multiverse. It's so small and petty compared to the vast and infinite glory beyond it. Yet, outside, according to some, an alien metaphysic of gods, angels and fiends locked in some aeternal war; a place where individuals are eclipsed by the grandeur and power that surrounds them. Within the Hollow, the Mists; and within the Mists... within this Grand Scheme...

This odd quest for meaning, that is somehow unique because of its particular context rather than in spite of it. The old cliché states, "it's the journey that matters, not the destination" -- yet it's the destination that keeps us guessing.
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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17 June 772

Without exception the most harrowing day of my life. My nerves have recovered, thanks in part to a quiet fire and some wine, but I imagine I shall spend many nights staring at the ceiling of my bedroom as the events of tonight replay themselves endlessly in my mind.

I suppose it ought to be frustrating that there are now yet more questions than were answered; but if being a member of the Third Sect has taught me anything, it has been to expect and accept that this is the nature of questions; like a Hydra, where two heads regrow for each you cut off.

Yet it can not be said that no progress was made. My instincts tell me we are closer. Our prey's message to us had a sense of the fatalist: as if she is becoming resigned to what must happen because she can no longer stand to be what she is. All we can pray for is that no more unfortunate souls are shuffled from this mortal coil before this closure can be achieved.

I do wonder if our group is capable of surviving further in-fighting. Dalensbane is a capable enough leader -- if too impatient and too direct -- but even he struggled to paper over the obvious divides. In his defence, he did not ask for this brief. Like any person in his situation he must make the best of it with the materials at his disposal. Though the less said of that Company of the Fox arcanist's outburst, the better.

I suppose that I shall have to mend fences with that awful Lamordian; though I fear both Martel and Dalensbane may have insisted too much and too far. It is ironic that Lamordian prejudices can be worse than Barovian superstitions; but sometimes, if you keep hammering away at a stuck door, you risk only making certain it stays closed forever.

It will be harder tonight, going to sleep knowing that the monster behind these crimes is still at large. More wine will help. But, though I am confident that we will eventually find and end this one, I must make my peace with the fact that there will always be monsters out there, tormenting the innocent. For it is the nature of the Grand Scheme: where there are people, there will be monsters (be they monsters in physical form, or monsters in thought and action). And there will be those of us who choose to stand up and make a difference.

Alright, sleep now; and tomorrow, reports.
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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9th July 772

Notes on Rashad the Ice Spectre (?)
 - appears as a ghost; elements turn much colder than normal around him
 - somewhat sentient; could talk, appeared able to reason and had glimmers of conscience -- albeit within limits
 - hunger for warmth; touch drained life; desire to consume life overcame reason & conscience displayed above
 - died in the Ghakis (?); destroying the corpse may end the haunting
 - many similarities to the Jezra Wagner legend

Yet another monster to plague Vallaki. This land is truly a nexus of some sort, drawing to itself so many lost outlanders, but bringing to it in equal measure so many evils and dark things.

No sighted re-occurences. May have to organise an expedition to climb the Ghakis and find Rashad's corpse before winter begins to bite.
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2017, 07:27:46 PM »
Vallaki, Barovia; 11th November 772

Time marches on. The civil war (not everyone wants to call it that with the memories of yesteryear still painful, the graves yet fresh, but such it is nonetheless) burns low through Dementlieu. People find the time to go through the motions of regular life -- throw parties, host balls, fight in tournaments; marry, sire children, die of old age. Yet in the background is the threat of war; and perhaps even greater still, the threat of the war ending. One summary execution will beget others: who will be safe from Madame Guillotine when the crows come to roost?

I know Martel only wishes to protect me; and, more importantly, to protect the Church. But as the snows fell on the battlefield I felt it impossible to stand aside; wounds fester and kill more men than bullets, doubly so with frost. What is one life weighed against that? But I see now what he feared: the symbol created, the example that could be emulated. I took to the battlefield swearing not to draw my sword against fellow countrymen, with permission to attend to the fallen of both sides. Such stipulations may satisfy my conscience, but other Wardens may follow in my footsteps and show less discernment. While their actions are their own, I realise now that my own may exceed the humble scope I had ascribed to them. And thus we return to the first issue...

All this death has changed me. I understand now the weight of one life; great, yet finite. It makes some of the conflicts I witness so laughably petty. Am I jaded? Or just arrogant?

Vallaki is in chaos and turmoil, to a degree spectacular even by the standards of the Grey City. Heresy, the sewer, personal conflicts abound. I miss being home already. I shall attempt to keep on top of the spinning plates: the mission is the key.
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2017, 10:40:38 PM »
Vallaki, Barovia; 7th December 772

Consider the chessmaster as a metaphor for the master manipulator. I've often found myself wondering how many nobles and powerful people see the land in such terms; a game board with pieces, with pawns to direct, promote or sacrifice. What a lonely mentality it must be, to see all transactions with your fellows as patterns of power.

Being a commoner and then a simple anchorite, I only ever dimly perceived these in Dementlieu -- I was simply beneath notice, and thus not privy to the miasma of gossip and rumour that surrounds the game. Only since the new civil war did I become aware of the sweeping moves cutting swathes of blood through my countrymen and women. Knight takes Rook; and hundreds of soldiers lie bleeding on the field of battle.

For perhaps the first time, I have begun to feel the same way in Barovia. The lure of silver and the mountain's dark secrets project their own arena of contested power in which invisible claimants have begun their dance. Though I wish to stay away, I can't. Does that make me someone's pawn?

May Ezra guard over me. And may the Grand Scheme send Inquisitor Martel to our aid. He has a better knack for these things than I.
« Last Edit: December 31, 2017, 08:55:16 PM by aprogressivist »
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #6 on: December 28, 2017, 08:00:17 PM »
Port-à-Lucine, Dementlieu; 28th December 772

I'm never going on holiday, ever again. So much is happening, so much is in the air; so much uncertainty. I yearn for a little of the old boredom I knew back before war tore Dementlieu apart, before I ever set foot in Barovia.

I think it'll be a miracle if we get to March with few casualties.
« Last Edit: December 31, 2017, 08:55:40 PM by aprogressivist »
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Road to Ameranthe, Dementlieu; 4th January 773

Captured.

Writing the word lacks dimension. So much has happened already that I would never have expected. I expected to be bound or chained; instead I have been treated well. I expected that perhaps my frustrated captor would demand to know what secrets I possess; fortunately they perhaps sense I know little. I expected to have little value as a captive in their eyes; instead they tell me my value is greater than I realise. I expected to be interrogated by the column commander; instead it was Maitriser himself who talked to me, and cordially at that.

The Duc is also nothing as I expected. In truth he reminds me a little of some Richemulot noble knight. He acted with restraint and composure; he comports himself with honour and trusts me to respond in kind. I suspect he is devout, to be on first name basis with Sister Edme. He is, in short, unlike the majority of Dementlieuse noblemen.

Not that I am naive. A man does not begin such a civil war without the stomach to spill a great deal of blood, and to do worse, much worse at that. The Mists of Death can worm their way into the hearts of even the greatest men and women, as taking excessive pride in our greatest virtues is itself a vice. Can Maitriser be entirely free of such a sin?

They say they will try to trade me for one of theirs held by the Council. I would be surprised if the negotiations didn't last a while. Perhaps it is for the best, the working of the Grand Scheme. Perhaps my presence here can plant a seed of diplomacy. Perhaps I can learn something here. There is a saying, the exact wording escapes me now, but the gist of it is that you can learn a lot more from your enemies than your friends. The Grand Scheme works in mysterious ways.
« Last Edit: January 04, 2018, 10:06:40 PM by aprogressivist »
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Road to Ameranthe, Dementlieu; 5th January 773

Maitriser appears to be that most dangerous of things: an idealist. I find many of his qualities admirable, but he looks at change with mistrust and sees compromise as betrayal. In his mind, the restoration of a virtuous nobility will salve the Republique's woes. He is a man of East Dementlieu, believing we in the West do not understand him; that may be true, but equally I suspect that he does not understand us -- or at least, he rejects such understanding. The reality, as I see it at least, is that the people of the Port -- having tasted liberty -- will never be truly quiescent again. He can not turn back the clock. Even his victory would contain the seeds of his future failure. Yet he would never accept peace on any terms but his own. It is a recipe for repeating the cycle of disaster that has afflicts us, not a balm.

Furthermore, the antipathy towards the Council of Brilliance and Roissy feels personal. If he must have heads on pikes for his victory, then a bitter fight to the death is inevitable. Violence engenders more violence. I do not see a way of averting more bloodshed.

This meagre enlightenment offers little comfort and small hope. I pray Ezra will guide me.
« Last Edit: January 04, 2018, 10:43:26 PM by aprogressivist »
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Quote from: the previous day...
Marius de Mortigny: Let us hope you are right, and not naive.
Agnès Gauthier: Maybe I am right and naive.

Maitriser's War Camp, Dementlieu; 9th January 773

I should have written into my diary last night when my memory was fresh. Yet I couldn't put pen to paper. The Maitriser's accusation was a difficult one to digest.

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And yet... and yet... some claims gain a certain credibility from being preposterous, as only truth can be stranger than fiction. As with de Vayrenne yesterday, his claim that he tried to escape for true love was absurd. Perhaps it was a jest; perhaps it is delusion. Yet if one accepts that such a claim has little value as a stratagem, that a liar would resort to something more prima facie believable, then the choice of possibilities becomes constrained to the claimaint either (a) being idiotic or delusion; (b) believing his audience to be so; (c) telling the truth.

This is the chain of logic that led me to say I believed de Vayrenne. Perhaps I was naive; and perhaps I was right.

Along similar lines I assess the Maitriser's claim. Either he is delusional, thinks me easily deluded, or he is telling the truth. I can not categorically eliminate any proposition. Which means I must contemplate the possibility that the claim is wholly or partially correct.

All this is uncertain, of course; some might find that off-putting. But I am a Warden of Ezra's Third Revelation; fathoming uncertainty is my métier.

There is only one person I trust enough to share these discussion with.
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #10 on: January 11, 2018, 06:40:23 PM »
(A scribbled note.)

- Upon adoption of an agreement, all hostilities to cease, immediately.
- All prisoners will be released, both sides.
- Council to proclaim suffrage once again for nobles, and nobles alone.
- Election to be held in which all nobles, Covenant and Council, will participate.
- A pardon for all commoner soldiers who fought.
- For Maitriser, Auclair, & other signers of the Covenant: no pardon. To be tried by the Council, as is their ancient right. And if found guilty, to bear the sentence.
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #11 on: January 14, 2018, 07:48:22 AM »
14th January 773

Freed. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. The reality of being home hits home after my debriefing: the damnable vampire going after the Kinship. It's dangerous for any of us to be in the Port at night. What he did to Anya and Zephyr... what he made Anya do to Zephyr... it was but a warning.

For all its werewolves, dark cultists and mad Cyricists, Barovia feels calmer. Its predators hunt at the fringes, preying on the weak and lonely, for the most part, while the rest of life quietly trundles on. The Barovians have learned the bitter lessons of the War of the Copper Knives. My country repeats the senseless bloodshed of past years while blind to the wolves in sheep's clothing among its own citizens.

We can frustrate Roquefort; even anger him. But what next? I need a plan, a new approach...
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #12 on: January 17, 2018, 05:40:39 AM »
Vallaki, Barovia; 17th January 773

Perhaps I spoke too soon of Barovia's calmness. The Banites (Laurier's last allies?) are present in force and a Cyricist openly announced his allegiance to the God of Murder at Kaine's execution while the Vallaki garda looked on. The rot runs deeper than I imagined.

I begin to genuinely doubt the viability of the Wayfarer Kinship, at least in the short term. If the Cyricists could infiltrate the Morninglord cult, they could do the same to the Kinship. Already, I guard my words more carefully in the reports I share, wary of which secrets I expose, to whom. Are the leaks mere indiscretion or treachery? I trust most of the individuals I know face-to-face, but the organisation...

Even the Church should beware. The Shield of Ezra offers some protection against direct infiltration; but anchorites can stray; and even the most devout of Templar, as recent history proves, can fall. Perhaps that is why I was so angry with Varian...

Already I am homesick. Life here seems more frangible than I remember it. Barovian complacency looks less like discretion and more like irresponsibility... or even complicity. Who was that vampire mage? How do all the moving parts relate?

If my visit here has done one thing, it has made the problems back home shrink in perspective. I suppose I will take what mixed blessings I can.
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #13 on: January 20, 2018, 04:29:04 AM »
Port-à-Lucine, Dementlieu; 20th January 773

I spent last night composing my thoughts for the report to the Council. This morning finds me restless, but with new insight; some fresh meaning hinted at between the lines of my notes. There may only be one person, a single person, worth discussing terms of the peace with. But if what has been said about him is true, I fear treading into the manticore's den.
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2018, 03:03:15 PM »
[An amanuensis'd letter copy between the pages of her diary]

Quote
Dear Ailne,

Sorry for not writing sooner. I find myself once again amongst the Maitriser's camp. Don't worry, I'm not a prisoner, this time; rather I'm a failed diplomat. The war is to resume; or perhaps more accurately, it never ceased; and now preparations are complete for it to enter the next, bloodiest stage...

I wish I could say things were improving here, but with bloodshed imminent I fear I have abandoned hope of finding some civilised solution to this conflict. My only consolation is that I may prevent things from becoming too much worse; I have managed to foil a plot to poison Maitriser's Ward, Edme Tourette. In his gratitude, he granted me a boon, for which I obtained the release one of the Fox soldiers most likely to be the subject of a ridiculous and overblown rescue attempt. I like to think that in this manner I have saved not one or two lives, but many. It is a small comfort going into the days ahead.

How are you? How fare the Kinship since Lexington's departure? Does conflict yet brew? I wish I could be there to offer voice of reason; I know how often tempers fray and reason departs even the most well-intentioned.

I miss you, my friend.

Yours faithfully,
Agnès
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #15 on: February 05, 2018, 09:03:56 PM »
Port-à-Lucine, Dementlieu; 5th February 773

I had a nightmare last night.

I dreamed of a great connection of veins and arteries, pouring blood as if around some mighty body; great chambers, like hearts, collected this blood, letting it mingle and pool, then contracted and pumped it around the vast network, ensuring warmth and vitality reached every remote part of it.

Then in the greatest chamber, at the centre of the network, a black growth appeared; a tumour. From its central position, blood flowed against it, becoming dark and corrupt. Where this corrupted blood flowed, new dark growths appeared in distant chambers and along veins and arteries. Slowly the whole body became blighted, néfaste. Even the natural replacement of fresh red young blood became tainted sooner rather than later.

I know what this dreams means. I had always hoped to unite my countryfolk by becoming a bridge; by repairing the connections that war had sundered. But now I see that, as a vein, I am sometimes oblivious to what passes through this medium. Innocent blood becomes tainted or killed not because of me, yet still through me. Err too long I may yet find myself corrupted, as well.

It is too much. I must meditate. I must choose.
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #16 on: February 06, 2018, 07:15:37 PM »
Port-à-Lucine, Dementlieu; 6th February 773

Promoted to Toret. In any other context it might have been a moment for celebration.
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #17 on: February 14, 2018, 12:39:30 AM »
On the road, Barovia; 14th February 773

The Harbinger is dead. The victory feels hollow, however, knowing what lurks beyond; one head of the hydra is cut off, how many will grow in its place?

Maybe this will bring the Morninglord Church some sense of closure, allowing them to move beyond their betrayals and rebuild. Oh, what would Teodorus Raines think, if he knew a Warden of Ezra -- a Toret, no less! -- was wishing a speedy recovery to a heathen Church? I can imagine in my mind the fire of his accusations of apostasy. It is diplomatic to guard my words here in Barovia, especially with Warden Creek around, but I know Inquisitor Martel would agree with me: in the difficult times ahead, better an ally on their feet, albeit battered and bloodied, than one on their knees or riven by self-doubt. We must stand shoulder-to-shoulder and, once the final tally is accounted, Ezra shall sort Her own out.

Even the Kinship may be mending at last; or at least, no longer rending itself asunder. Perhaps now the healing can begin.

I would make some metaphor about a glimmer of hope, a flash of a rising sun, but then that might be apostasy...
« Last Edit: February 14, 2018, 12:47:01 AM by aprogressivist »
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #18 on: February 14, 2018, 11:44:11 PM »
On the road, Vistani Mist Camp; 15th February

The Council has become increasingly shameless. They did not even attempt to hide their assassination attempt on Edme Tourette from us, their subordinates. Now, for them to openly invite Falkovnians into the city beggars belief. Do they want civil discontent? Are they that desperate?

I will wait a while longer, to see if we can learn the terms of this alliance or contract. But I fear I cannot wait much longer.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2018, 01:02:36 AM by aprogressivist »
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #19 on: February 16, 2018, 11:06:22 PM »
[In somewhat drunken scrawl]

16th February. Grand Opera Massacre
« Last Edit: February 16, 2018, 11:39:39 PM by aprogressivist »
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #20 on: February 17, 2018, 10:12:41 PM »
Port-à-Lucine, Dementlieu; 17th February 773

The Grand Opera Massacre. I can't walk by the building without flinching anymore. Roquefort's final outrage.

I can't help but feel that I failed; that I should have seen it coming. The moment I stepped into the room, I knew; all those strange, pale-skinned and thin-haired aristocrats with their predatory smiles. There were so many. There must have come from covens all throughout Dementlieu and Richemulot. For what purpose? How naive to think they would come only to offer light applause.

And then Zephyr came and told me Blue would not be making it. I saw the fury in Roquefort's eyes. Perhaps his threat to my mother made me think he would still attack us indirectly? Yet I should have known better.

The only thought that brings some comfort is that it could have been worse. Far, far worse. Yesterday was a victory, albeit a Pyrrhic one, far too close for comfort. And the war is not even over yet...
« Last Edit: February 18, 2018, 02:13:24 AM by aprogressivist »
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #21 on: February 19, 2018, 04:38:00 PM »
Port-à-Lucine, Dementlieu; 19th February 773

The Falkovnian General is a reminder that sometimes, monsters wear human guises.

I try to divine whether he is trying to manipulate me. No, that's incorrect. I try to divine how he is trying to manipulate me. He knew his demands would outrage me; he knew I would immediately report back to Roissy. Does he therefore want me to denounce his presence and the Council desperate enough to consider his employ? He would gain by this: the more of us abandon the Council, the more certain they are to invite the Falkovnian serpent into our very home.

Or am I over-thinking things?

One thing is certain: it is no longer about choices. I have chosen. It is now about timing.
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Re: Ne jugez pas un livre à sa couverture -- diary & notes of Agnès Gauthier
« Reply #22 on: February 20, 2018, 09:50:53 AM »
Port-à-Lucine, Dementlieu; 20th February 773

I don't think I can stand it any longer. Yet more violence; and to be regarded with suspicion merely for trying to restrain it. I feel my soul being torn in half. Suddenly Inquisitor Martel's words make more sense. The path I walked has always brought me to this fork; I just didn't realise it until now.

Who is Agnès Gauthier? Toret Agnès Gauthier? How do I best serve Ezra? What is my role? It was never clear, but now I fear I am losing my way...
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Dementlieu; 3rd March 773

A week has passed and I have found some peace in reconciling myself to my new path. I am back in Port yet tread lightly; the time is coming close, I can feel it. I think everyone else feels it, too: the timid recuse themselves while the brave get ready to settle their affairs and their scores. I believe the final acts of the war will come upon us soon. Where shall the dice fall?

Still I am divided, Agnès of the Port, and Agnès of the Kinship; duties requiring me to be in two places at once, to be two different people. Will I ever truly be whole?
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

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Dementlieu; 8th March

I am afraid. Afraid for the future, afraid of what I... what we... could lose. It is the same manner of fear I felt before battle; the tense anticipation, the troubled wait. Only now I fear for more than soldiers; I fear for friends and family. It is deeper, more personal.

I shan't get much sleep tonight, I fear.
“Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo