(Author's note: Not sure if this belongs here but this was a funny rp with Alan, Beatrice, and Velindrena. The gag with the books he had to help him understand how dating an elf came up and Beatrice stole them and copy them. This is for her publication as she thought it be funny if it were ana ctual thing. Enjoy)
Copies of two books were taken from Alan. Hard when the one was Beatrice of the Company of the Fox. She had cast some spell to make copies of them which were embarrassing. But Alan couldn't convince her otherwise as her concern was such knowledge could be used against Elvish kind especially the women.
Guide to Elf Snag
by Julian Piccolo
The Book of Carnassus titled "Elf Snag" was my friend a warriors idea I as the author only reproduced his work in hopes to give that lonely warrior a chance with an Elvin maiden.
*The book has an illustrious cover magic seems to cause the image to move compare to the older book that seem to have lost some of it's luster from its travel.*
*The first page of this book has the picture of a muscular warrior snagging an elf woman around her shoulders with his broad arms by her expression she seems flush and surprise by this. The imposing title reading. "Elf Snag"*
Author's Note: As a bard I have traveled Faerun to many lands and as a worshipper of Sune the goddess of love I record and transcribe the lessons of love in its many ways. This is the lessons of a friend I traveled with a Human fighter named Carnassus. Not an overly bright fellow he oddly had the ability to charm or woo an elf maiden to his side. Was it his handsome human physique built like a brick wall or his chiseled tan features? Surely not his charming personality or choice of words but lasses couldn't seem to get enough of him. However in his early days elves would elude him so this is a short tale in how he developed the feat "Elf Snag" which seems to be convincingly working well or some odd hex. i still to this day do not know how he does it with out dying.
Lesson 1 Technique
The physique of a man is the primer to her desires of any woman's dreams and fantasies. Elvish men are lean and short but a human man can be built brawn and thick most Elvin maidens who fell trap to a human male is first not use to the physical movements of a human male. Do push ups every day develop those muscle by lifting swords bigger than you, irons, anything that could help grow strength in your tiny arms. Each day with a combat dummy reach over practicing your "Snag" remember Elven Maidens are swift and dexterous you have to catch them off guard the quicker your reflex and the stronger your arms less likely they are to beat the "Snag" but don't just develop those arms do you want to look like a muscular dwarf appendage, no. Develop each muscle on the body do runs around the Tavern till you can't do no more, crunch your knees to your chest lifting your neck, work those tiny fingers with coins strap to string, and above all ensure your neck thickness with a crown of worthy metal. Compare to the tiny elf man a brawny human should glisten sweat over muscles that are thrice his size. So Says Carnassus in following these various training techniques.
*it goes on with various heavy muscle building techniques and a heavy regime of tavern food diets including dwarven ale*
~~~
Lesson 2 The Words
You can't just "Snag" an Elf with out disarming her doubt. Find the right words to impress her and don't be so valiant all the male elves speak proper fruity words last she wants to hear is a human male constantly trying to woo her with pretty words and possible chivalry. Tell her out right how her hair is like a sun that brightens your day that ignites the passion in your chest. Find things of her she enjoys but don't be sweet be bold any fool get's flowers real men learn what his woman desires! Brazen your words with short and few yet deep meaning "Your Beautiful" or "I want you." too many words complicate things make it short and sweet and don't always be polite a smug look or sometimes just ignoring her giving her doubt or teasing her. If your words don't peek her interest never Pre-"Snag" or else there will be Elf Maiden Retribution. Remember like a Ranger hunts a deer you must know an Elvin Maiden's Weaknessess and strengths only than can your arrow strike true to her heart.
~~~
Lesson 3 Inspire courage, boldness, strength, passion, and above all else the Temple
Arms and words alone are not enough you must breathe elf must know elf, hunt elf! Knowing what type of elf they are know their customs and their vantage points and disadvantages to your liking. For example a scholarly elf maiden of the sun enjoys books and may enjoy that you know a little of her kind of their dislike of Fey'Rai and how they are closer to Corellon than any other of the elves will surely win her over in the first meeting but you must learn a little more. Massage her natural knowings til she is ready for you be brave to learn more of her wants and simply continue to nod your head in things and matters important to her unlike human women who tend to be viciously angry little hin women whose toes you stepped on. Be strong to endure failures and forge the Temple that is your body and mind by cramming knowledge of Elvin women types the common likes and dislikes the things their men will not say or do, her personal likes and dislikes, know also the secret gestures or Elvin language will swoon most to interest.
*The lesson goes on teaching some basic Elvish phrases and words.*
~~~
Lesson 4 The "Elf Snag"
These simple steps have gotten you this far self descision and the right moment to ascert all these steps into place takes timming, patiance, and cunning. You have adventured with your traveling elf, know of her culture, her type, and some things she likes. Show concern and interest in her often remind her how elf maidens are better than the normal women you meet. A good body with a witty mind will let you prepare for the "Elf Snag" when she is not expecting it when she is distracted in the victory of battle or in a moment of reverie or thought reach over pull her close so her long ears can fall to your chest where your heart lays. Let your heart beat furiously for her and share the words you long to say or simply say what she wishes you to say. Your large arms will encourage safety, strength, and above all else dat grip of no escape. Sensitive are the ears and skin of elves taking these into account find the moment to build and the right reach or touch in the approach to snag your elf and you too can eventually get an elf maiden of your own or twenty. Now go Brave Warrior make Carnassus proud!
*There are a few hints how elf ears are like handle bars, and some other elfish comparisons and innuendos. Obviously Carnassus wants his pupils to be prepared for some of the other things of later night affairs. The page ends with interest in buying the next book called "Snag After Hours"*